Live at The Queer Comedy Club Episode 1 (Full Episode)

[Music] Queer Comedy Club, please put your hands together and welcome your host, David Ian. [Applause] Welcome to Live at the Queer Comedy Club. Give me a cheer if you're queer! [Cheers] Oh, my people. Give me a cheer if you're straight! [Faint cheers] Awgh, thanks for coming. Now, I love it when straight people come out. We really appreciate it because I know there's loads of things you could've been doing. Someone was probably playing Mr Brightside somewhere. [Laughter] No, absolutely beautifu

l. Folks, I am so excited to introduce two brilliant acts on tonight. You're going to have an amazing night. My name is David Ian and I've got two first names... [Laughter] Jennifer Aniston's hair. [Laughter] And zero gag reflex! Yes! I'm gay. Straight people find it confusing though, because although I do look... stunning... I do have the dress sense of quite a basic straight guy. [Laughter] This guy gets it. It's like he came straight from The Gap. No, I don't know what your name is. It doesn'

t matter, something like Brian or Eric. Something straight like that. I kind of look like I went to gay finishing school and got kicked out before we did fashion class... AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh yeah! [Laughter] Yes, that's right! Because what I want is the accuracy in my insults. I always like to think I'd have been kicked out of gay finishing school for sucking too much dick. But because it was gay finishing school, it was probably for not sucking enough, wasn't it? The thing is, straight people,

Brian or Tim... [Laughter] It's not your fault, you only get to see two types of gay men on TV. Now, the first type you get to see is the big gay. So he's really jolly, he's larger than life, he's got a really big personality, like Alan Carr. And the second type that you get to see on TV is the chiselled gay. So he's toned, he's tanned, he's got a six-pack and no personality at all. [Laughter] Like Tom Daly. AUDIENCE: Awgh. What you don't' get to see on TV is me. The mediocre gay. Now, I may be

stunning but I don't have the body or the personality, which was a very harsh review to get from an ex-boyfriend. Yeah. I'm also incredibly lazy. Sometimes I'll just invite a guy round from Grindr just to force me to clean my apartment before he arrives... [Laughter] ...which is a complete waste of time because you just have to hose everything down after he's gone anyway. [Laughter] I get called out for being gay in public quite a lot. Last week, I was on the bus and some guy shouted out, Gay!

And I was so shocked, Queer Comedy Club, I was so shocked. I nearly choked on the cock I was sucking. [Laughter] But I didn't because I'm a pro and no gag reflex! AUDIENCE: Wahey! Which is not a joke, it's an advert. Brian or Steve, see me after the show. [Laughter] Actually, since I grew my hair long, I've been being misgendered quite a lot. When I went to the US last month, every time I went to use the toilet, they found it really stressful. I remember at this one occasion, I was on my way int

o the gents and this one particular woman (let's think how I could describe her)... She looked like she owned six guns and no passport. [Laughter] She started shouting, Use the ladies! Use the ladies! And I was like, Do you know what? It doesn't make any difference to me.' So I turned and went to use the ladies toilet. She completely lost her mind though when the super masculine Grindr hookup that was behind me just followed me in. [Laughter] I feel like that one's kind of on her though, becau

se what did she think I was going to do in a public toilet? I'm a gay man, not a monster. We all know public toilets are there for bukkake, fisting, felching, squelching... But taking a shit in one! No, thank you. No. No, it is happening more and more. It's happening at work quite a bit actually, and I didn't mind... ... until I realised it meant I'd earnt 20% less this month than I did last month. [Laughter] And I keep being talked over in meetings. My colleague, Paul, absolutely loves it thoug

h because he keeps coming up with these brilliant ideas about two minutes after I've said them out loud, and they've been completely ignored. [Laughter] And then Brian or Jonathan... keeps promoting him! No, the thing is I decided I'd try and make this work for me, for myself. So I told my boss I had women's problems. I got a whole week off, got some holiday off. Now, of course, I could cut my hair, get a more masculine haircut but I'd still have this voice, wouldn't I? And so, I've decided I'm

not going to cut my hair, mainly because I really want to go on a cruise. I need something to do in my maternity leave, don't I? [Laughter] And the thing is if I know one thing about cruises, it's if those ships go down, it's women and children into the lifeboats first, isn't it? And I am not giving up this privilege for anything! So I'm in therapy. I can't tell you my therapist's name tonight so tonight, I'm gonna call her... Mummy'. Now, we've been working together for a while and one of the

things that we've realised is that I cannot talk to attractive men at all. So if there's a really fit guy in the audience, I can't even look him in the eye. But you and me, Brian or Paul, we could talk all night. I'm also super turned on by men when they're crying, which makes dumping someone difficult. [Laughter] I was dating this guy who was super emotional at the best of times, so when I was gonna end it, I was like, I'm gonna have to take him somewhere public but also the least sexy place th

at I can think of. So, I take him to the Marks and Spencer's café. [Laughter] Didn't work though. As my mum said, This wasn't just breakup sex, this was M&S breakup sex. And I said, Mum, what are you doing in here? Close that door! Leave the lube! [Laughter] I'm quite traditional. Not like marriage and kids... Gay traditional. So, that means I own every album Cher has released since 1965. And I think Dolly Parton is the second coming of Christ. It turns out that's not really what most gay guys

are after. For example, some of them, they want a gamer. I'm not a gamer... I leave the house! I do my killing outside. I don't even own a games console. I do, however, own Steps latest album on vinyl... ... even though I don't own a record player. [Laughter] I wear it as a hat... ... because I missed fashion class. [Laughter] Or they want a gym bunny. I don't go to the gym five times a week. There's no men crying there. [Laughter] I did, however, go and see Viva Forever, the Spice Girls Musica

l five times in one week... ... which does mean I've sung along to those tunes more often than Victoria Beckham can claim. [Laughter] Or they want a bad boy. You know the kind of guy who gets into trouble on a night out? Brian or Adrian, are you a bad boy? No, didn't think so. No, it's not me either, I'm not a bad boy. I was once removed by security from a Britney Spears concert though. I had a panic attack when she looked at me. [Laughter] I was like, She knows I'm here!' Which is just madness

, isn't it? Because she didn't even know she was there, did she? [Laughter] Okay, are you ready for your first act, Queer Comedy Club? [Cheeres] Please welcome to the stage, Su Mi! [Cheers] [Music] STOP! STOP! Da, da, da, da, da... Dop, badum, badum! Badum, badum, badum! [Laughter] I know you wanna take... Come on, that's a great opening, come on! [Laughter] Hello, hello, Queer Comedy Club, how are you doing? Give me a cheer! [Cheers] Hello, hello, hello. So, my name's Su from London. Any London

ers in? AUDIENCE: Woo! Yeah, now I know you're thinking. I sound like I'm from London, but I look like I'm from... Yeah, you guessed right, pal... East London. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not quite sure what you were thinking, mate. Yeah, so my name's Su. Contrary to belief, I'm not a forty year old white woman. No! No, I'm not Susan. You know, I don't wanna speak to the manager. I don't wanna perform a citizens arrest. Yeah. [Laughter] Me, I'd much rather write a passive aggressive email and never send i

t. Yeah! That's more my kind of vibe. I'm also Asian. Hey! [Cheers] Aren't I shocking? Yeah, it's not the lighting, no. [Laughter] I don't have jaundice. Yeah, there are a lot of stereotypes when it comes down to Asian people. I don't actually think they're that bad. Now, let's go through them. So, number one, we're super smart. Oh yeah. Number two, we're hard working. And last but not least, we're cute. Where's the lie? Where's the lie, mate? Where is it? Come on, yeah. But we're never the main

characters in films, you know. We're always the first one to die in a horror film. We're always the side dish, never the main buffet, which is really weird because we're really good at making buffets, am I right? Yeah. Sweet and sour, [unclear]. Yeah. There's more stereotypes of Asian people, like small penises. I know for a fact that's not... That's not true, because I'm hung like a horse! [Laughter] I'm hung like a horse, mate! Do you wanna touch it? Go on! Yeah, now it's hard being an Asian

woman. It's hard, because there's a lot of preconceptions of what Asian women should be. People think Asian women are exotic... Bluh! People think Asian women, we're demure. [BURPS] Ah yeah, urgh... [Laughter] And people think Asian women are quiet! Quiet! QUIET! And lots of people think Asian women are submissive. Submissive? I am getting pegged you know what I mean? Come on, up top! Yeah, there you go. Peggy Sue, that's what they call me. Yeah. Peggy Fucking Sue, mate. Yeah, how you doing toni

ght? So you know what guys, I'm gonna sing you a song. How do you feel about that, guys? [Cheers] Yeah baby! [Guitar plays] Yeah, things are gonna get sexy! Yeah. Everybody take their pants off... What? [Laughter] So, this is a song about what we should never ever say to an Asian woman. [Smacks guitar] I'm not on your TV. I'm not on your movie screen. I won't be at the Oscars. Scarlett Johanson took that away from me. [Laughter] Bitch! Can't help you on your maths test. Can barely count to three

. That's true, yeah. Can't love you forever, babe. Especially the way that you're loving me. You can say that you love me for my humour, for my class, for my pussy, for my ass... Yeah! AUDIENCE: Woo! Cause I'm classy, huh. But the one thing you can't say is me love you long time! [Laughter] That's not okay, that's not fine, Me love you long time. Don't say it, it's racist. Stop playing, yeah. Me love you long time. Stop telling me your ex-girlfriend was Asian. [Laughter] We're not related... I d

on't think. Maybe, who knows? [Laughter] I don't think that we should keep dating, cause I'm just waiting for you to call me a ch... Oi, oi, I'll fucking nut you, mate! [Laughter] Me hate you long time! Everybody, come on! Me hate you long time. Nice! Me hate you long time. Wahey! Me fucking hate you, you little nazi whore. Thank you! Thank you! Aargh! Argh! Argh! Yargh! [Applause] So, that's what you should never say to an Asian woman, but you can peg her though. Yeah, no, no... [MUSIC] So, whe

re's my queer gays and mays, give me a cheer! [Cheers] Woo! And what about my heteros, give me a cheer? [Quieter cheer] Alright, simmer down! [Laughter] Simmer down, always taking up space, come on. So, I identify as pansexual. Any panna cottas in the room? [Laughter] No? Okay, that felt homophobic. Yeah, so I identify as obviously pansexual which means that I love people. I also fuck pans but that's unrelated, yeah. [Laughter] Yeah. So, I identify as queer. Any queers give me a cheer, yeah! [Ch

eers] I also identify with something else. It affects about 3.9 million people; about 80 percent of people in this room. Quite serious but I'm gonna sing it via song... [Guitar plays] Yeah, nice. I'm a hot girl, I'm a mess. I'm a hot girl with IBS. What!? I'm a hot girl, I'm so stressed. Did I mention, yes, urgh! I've got IBS. Flatulence, I'm talking opulence. Makes no sense but all so tense. Clench like a fist, my butthole's like this... [SUCKS] [Laughter] I'm a hot girl, I'm a mess. I'm a hot

girl, did I mention... Urgh, fucking hell, I shouldn't have had that cheese flavoured ice cream. Fucking hell! Thank you guys so much, I'm Su Mi. I love you, bye! [Cheers] Give it up one more time for Su Mi! [Cheers] And welcome to the stage a special friend of mine, it's Christopher Hall! [Cheers] Oh! Hello! [Cheers] Queer Comedy Club, are you feeling good? AUDIENCE: Yeah! Huh? How's everyone's mental health? [Laughter] Yeah, not too bad? Not too bad. Mine's a little all over the place recently

, gang. I'm going through a breakup. [AUDIENCE SIGHS] Thanks. Anyone else going through a breakup at the moment? [SILENCE] Just me! Haha... [Laughter] Amazing. Yeah, no, breakups are shit, aren't they? They're really tough, they can be awful. Lots of shouting, swearing, screaming. Get out! Stay out! You cheated! You lied! Logout my Netflix, you cheap bastard!' Like, people say crazy shit, yeah. But some breakups can be a bit nicer, can't they? It can be more like, It's not you, it's me. I just

need some space to grow, breathe. Maybe we'll, you know, depart and then collide later on down the line, more awakened, evolved versions of ourselves.' Yeah? I had a nice one once, right. He said, Look, I'll still see you all the time, I'm still married to your sister.' Which I thought was... [Laughter] I thought that was good. So listen though, I am back in therapy. Hmm, yeah! Yeah, I love telling a queer audience that. If you say that to a straight audience, they go, What's that?' [Laughter]

But I talk about all sorts in therapy. I talk about my fears a lot. Argh! I'm joking. I've got quite an irrational fear of being sent to war. I just don't think I'd be that good at it, quite frankly. I don't really see myself thriving out there, you know. I've got a very real fear of being asked to kick a ball back to a group of boys in a park. [Laughter] That's petrifying. Over here, mate!' 'Fuck off! What you doing?' It's ridiculous. I've also got quite a bit of a fear of tech. I don't think

humans and tech, you know, go really together. I don't know one Alexa that likes her job. Like, she's an absolute miserable cow, isn't she? She's awful. Listen, I talk about my coming out experience quite a lot in therapy as well. Queer people in the room, I'm sure you can relate. Actually, I only came out quite recently to my parents and it didn't go well. Yeah, it didn't go very well, me coming out to my parents. I got everything right, I got don't pigeon hole yourself too early, it's just a t

ough life you're choosing for yourself, Chris, you're gonna end up alone... I'm just worried about how the world is going to treat you. [Huffs] But I had to come out, I had to tell them, right? I told them that I'm vegan, and... [Laughter] But comparing that to when I came out as gay, that was a bit different. I want you to sort of imagine a kind of music video situation. There's like rain coming from the sky, sort of like mum and dad going in the house and that... 'Before you go in the house, b

efore you go in the house, don't take a step further! Just, I'm gay, okay! Mum and dad, I'm gay.' [Laughter] 'Alright, I've told you now, I'm gay.' And they were like, Yeah.' [Laughter] We're aware.' Yeah, you had to have a whole day off school when Gerri Halliwell left the Spice Girls.' [Laughter] And for a good three years, you called your school uniform Your Britney clothes. ' Whenever you played football, you used to sort of go back in goal deliberately so you can just like stand and obser

ve and make comments.' And if I ever got bored, I could back myself up against the goal post and sing Funny Honey from Chicago. Just, Der, der,' really use my environment,' you know. A lot of my friends have been having kids, yeah. Did you know this? People are out there having children. Did you see it? It's absolutely extraordinary. There's loads of them, and I've kind of been anointed with a kind of title that let me tell you, I didn't fucking ask for it but it's kind of been forced onto me.

Yeah? And that is the title of Guncle'. Gang, listen, I don't really know what was wrong with the word, Uncle.' I think that worked fine and I think if we're going to yassify' the word Uncle', we didn't do it with Guncle.' We didn't do it. It sounds like something that grows on your foot, doesn't it? [Laughter] Quite frankly. And I just think there's a lot of pressure. There's a lot of pressure on being a guncle, you know. I'm going to report for my guncle duties, I'm gonna love it. And I j

ust think it's a bit unfair, right, because I think uncle Keith can just like write his name at the bottom of a birthday card, he doesn't even know who it's to. He doesn't even... it's to one of them. 'Uncle Keith.' Whereas like, guncle Chris is expected to like produce this life-sized card from Moon Pig, thousands of selfies of me and my niece and nephew, like, Agh, I love you,' with a sparkler up my bum. Guncle, guncle! It's just like too much, yeah. Uncle Keith can go to a nativity, yeah, fa

ll asleep in the back row and everyone's like, Don't wake him.' Don't wake him, as long as he's here.' Uncle Keith's here, as long as he's here... He won't like it even if he's awake, but he's here.' Right? Guncle Chris, you're laughing, right, guncle Chris, I'm expected to fucking conduct the choir, Hello, I'm here. I'm here!' Swing in if Joseph wets himself, Don't worry I'm here, I love you the most, I'm your guncle.' It's fucking too much, yeah. Listen, my friend's had a kid. The baby is lik

e two, six, something, I don't know, right. [Laughter] And my friend goes, Look, guncle Chris, Ava loves you. Ava loves here guncle Chris.' Yeah? Ava loves her guncle Chris.' Right, I don't know how she can. I don't really like Ava. [Laughter] I'm not gonna know if I like her until she's at least, what, 25, 26. I don't... It's mad, it's mad. And she goes, No, guncle Chris, please, can you come to Ava's third birthday party.' Please come to Ava's third birthday party. It's at 10am on Saturday.'

Fuck! [Laughter] Yeah, I'll be there,' like can't wait. And she was like, Guncle Chris, guncle Chris, there's one more thing. Ava wants you to dress as Peter Pan. It's like a fairytale theme, Ava's gonna be Tinkerbell and she wants you to be Peter Pan.' Mouthy, this little girl, this little Ava, right. Got all kinds of ideas. I said to my friend, right, The Friday night before, yeah, I'm gonna be at Jessie Ware. I will be using all of my personal pixie dust for myself.' [Laughter] Unless,' I di

d say, Ava wants to go half on the bag.' I did offer that. [Laughter] I did say, and I would be quids in because Ava does have a tiny nose, a bit small of a nose, tiny. But gang, if you do want to get demoted from guncle to uncle, that's your way to do it, yeah. That's your way to do it. Thanks so much, gang, you've been amazing! [Cheers] Give it up one more time for Christopher Hall, everybody! [Cheers] You have been an absolutely beautiful audience but listen to this. You are sitting in the U

K's first ever LGBTQ+ comedy club. [Cheers] Isn't that amazing? So, thank you so much for coming out tonight, give it up one more time for the acts you've seen tonight. Give it up for Su Mi! [Cheers] And Christopher Hall! [Cheers] Give it up for yourselves! [Cheers] Thank you for watching at home. My name's David Ian, have a good night! [Cheers]