Love it. Love it. Love staying here. Love staying here. Where will you find such a place? Where will you find such a place? 0 lights on the streets and
4 kinds of lights inside a rickshaw. 0 lights on the streets and
4 kinds of lights inside a rickshaw. I saw a man getting down to
place an order in a drive-through. I saw a man getting down to
place an order in a drive-through.
Where will you find such a super power? Where will you find such a super power? Once I saw a man running while a woman shouted, Once I saw a man running while a woman shouted, "Somebody catch him! He groped me." "Somebody catch him! He groped me." The mob nabbed him and asked,
"Did you harass her?" The mob nabbed him and asked,
"Did you harass her?" He said,
"No, I was just trying to steal some
money. He said,
"No, I was just trying to steal some money. It's not my fault
she keeps the money in her blouse." It's not my fault
she keeps the money in her blouse." He didn't deny, "I am not a creep" He didn't deny, "I am not a creep" He was like, yeah I do all of that,
but right now I was only trying to steal money. He was like, yeah I do all of that,
but right now I was only trying to ste
al money. This is my work place. This is my work place. I am a criminal, not a CEO, to do all this. I am a criminal, not a CEO, to do all this. We have a variety of problems. We have a variety of problems. From untouchability to I was touched inappropriately. From untouchability to I was touched inappropriately. We have everything. We have everything. We need both movements here - We need
both movements here - "MeToo" and "Please Touch Me Too" "MeToo" and "Please Touch Me Too" People's concepts are so flawed. People's concepts are so flawed. People are wearing gem stones
to cure kidney stones. People are wearing gem stones
to cure kidney stones. Parents are dressing up their kids as Gandhi for halloween. Parents are dressing up their kids as Gandhi for halloween. We don't know how to
use dustbins. We don't know how to use dustbins. I saw a man spitting tobacco ON the dustbin. I saw a man spitting tobacco ON the dustbin. I was like- "Asshole, you have reached the bin right?. I was like- "Asshole, you have reached the bin right?. Just spit inside!" Just spit inside!" The penguin is standing with its mouth open for you. The penguin is standing with its mouth open for you. You get the level
of fetish being fulfilled here? You get the level of fetish being fulfilled here? I can't get consent to spit on the same species, I can't get consent to spit on the same species, He is getting to fulfill his inter-species kinks. He is getting to fulfill his inter-species kinks. We are the only country where you find
garbage in the garden and babies in the dustbin. We are the only country where you find
garbage in th
e garden and babies in the dustbin. We don't know how to use dustbins. We don't know how to use dustbins. Terrorists are planting bombs
inside dustbins and running away. Terrorists are planting bombs
inside dustbins and running away. The bomb goes off,
all the garbage is back on the streets. The bomb goes off,
all the garbage is back on the streets. We don't know how to use one dustbin and now we have
two - We don't know how to use one dustbin and now we have two - Dry waste and wet waste. Dry waste and wet waste. Now people are confused. Now people are confused. Which one do we put the dead baby in? Which one do we put the dead baby in? Love staying here. Love staying here. What a great place! What a great place! During covid there were women who used
their dupattas and saris a
s masks to cover their face. During covid there were women who used
their dupattas and saris as masks to cover their face. They couldn't differentiate between
the virus and their father in law. They couldn't differentiate between
the virus and their father in law. I saw one man wearing gloves and digging his nose. I saw one man wearing gloves and digging his nose. We just aren't getting it. We just aren't gett
ing it. I know one uncle who was having sex with hookers mid-pandemic, I know one uncle who was having sex with hookers mid-pandemic, and he was paying them using Gpay and he was paying them using Gpay because he wanted contactless transactions. because he wanted contactless transactions. Love it, love staying here. Love it, love staying here. I have made two Aadhar cards. I have made two Aadhar cards.
I want to be reborn here. I want to be reborn here. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to miss out on anything. I saw one family travelling on a bike. I saw one family travelling on a bike. The father had a helmet on,
mother was behind him. The father had a helmet on,
mother was behind him. One kid in the front and one at the back. One kid in the front and one at the back.
I was like he is using kids as air bags. I was like he is using kids as air bags. A tiny bit of criticism
and you have people coming for you - A tiny bit of criticism
and you have people coming for you - "You anti-national bastard,
you are being paid by congress" "You anti-national bastard,
you are being paid by congress" Congress doesn't have enough money to
retain its own MLAs, how will they manage
to pay me? Congress doesn't have enough money to
retain its own MLAs, how will they manage to pay me? I look at their logo and wonder if it's
a hand or the number of MLAs left in their party. I look at their logo and wonder if it's
a hand or the number of MLAs left in their party. I worry that soon they will have to change their logo to this.
It's a genuine worry. I worry that soon they will have to change their logo t
o this.
It's a genuine worry. People are doing MBA
so they get to demand more dowry. People are doing MBA
so they get to demand more dowry. People are learning wealth management saying People are learning wealth management saying “We'll manage it,
after we grab it from the girl's dad. “We'll manage it,
after we grab it from the girl's dad. People are still asking for dowry! People are
still asking for dowry! They ask for refrigerators. They ask for refrigerators. And fathers are okay with it. And fathers are okay with it. I am thinking, "Uncle, this man doesn't own a refrigerator. I am thinking, "Uncle, this man doesn't own a refrigerator. He can't take care of milk for more than 2 days,
how will he take care of your daughter?" He can't take care of milk for more than 2 days,
how will he t
ake care of your daughter?" This is why I have respect for
people who demand luxury cars as dowry. This is why I have respect for
people who demand luxury cars as dowry. They are wrong but with basic necessities sorted. They are wrong but with basic necessities sorted. The woman will be unhappy but in air conditioning. The woman will be unhappy but in air conditioning. She might get beaten up, but at least she can use
an ice pack. She might get beaten up, but at least she can use an ice pack. Because he has a refrigerator! Because he has a refrigerator! Our education system teaches us,
it is 'May I' and not 'Can I go to the toilet'. Our education system teaches us,
it is 'May I' and not 'Can I go to the toilet'. But they don't tell us you're not supposed to
peep into the urinal next to you while peeing. But they don't tell
us you're not supposed to
peep into the urinal next to you while peeing. People are peeping away!
They even ask, “May I?” before doing it. People are peeping away!
They even ask, “May I?” before doing it. Love it.
Love staying here. Love it.
Love staying here. People who have mixed breed dogs People who have mixed breed dogs have a problem with inter-caste marriage. have a problem wit
h inter-caste marriage. Is this happening anywhere else? Is this happening anywhere else? The best compliment any place in India gets is The best compliment any place in India gets is “This doesn't feel like India at all” “This doesn't feel like India at all” That's the best compliment!
"I'm telling you, you'll forget you're in India!" That's the best compliment!
"I'm telling you, you'll forget you're in Indi
a!" They tried changing the country's name. They tried changing the country's name. You guys saw that? You guys saw that? The country's name! The country's name! Some more time and they would have Some more time and they would have changed the name from ‘Bharat’ to ‘Jio Gardens’. changed the name from ‘Bharat’ to ‘Jio Gardens’. Love staying here. Love staying here. I read in the n
ews recently, I read in the news recently, dowry deaths by burning are coming down dowry deaths by burning are coming down because the price of petrol
has reached Rs.106 per litre. because the price of petrol
has reached Rs.106 per litre. They are like we are not wasting money on these bitches, man!
It's too expensive. They are like we are not wasting money on these bitches, man!
It's too expensive.
Love staying in Jio Gardens. Love staying in Jio Gardens. On my way here, I saw an ambulance was rushing On my way here, I saw an ambulance was rushing and a Domino's delivery guy overtook it. and a Domino's delivery guy overtook it. I was like why aren't we getting
this guy to drive the ambulance? I was like why aren't we getting
this guy to drive the ambulance? Isn't that more important? Isn
't that more important? That is where our priority is-
pizzas delivered hot and bodies delivered cold. That is where our priority is-
pizzas delivered hot and bodies delivered cold. We are a superpower. We are a superpower. Love it. Love it. When Kasab was arrested. When Kasab was arrested. Ajmal Kasab, terrorist -
came from another country with guns. Ajmal Kasab, terrorist -
came from another country with guns. There were 206 cases against him. There were 206 cases against him. Out of which one was - Out of which one was - He went on the platform without a platform ticket. He went on the platform without a platform ticket. What kind of terrorist is using receipts
to reduce their sentence… What kind of terrorist is using receipts
to reduce their sentence… Can you imagine
Kasab going and telling the officer, Can you imagine Kasab going and telling the officer, “Sorry officer, excuse me this one time. “Sorry officer, excuse me this one time. I shouldn't have attacked Bombay" I shouldn't have attacked Bombay" Someone behind him yells
"Asshole, it is 'Mumbai' not 'Bombay'! Someone behind him yells
"Asshole, it is 'Mumbai' not 'Bombay'! I have this friend I have this fri
end who promotes menstrual leaves on social media. who promotes menstrual leaves on social media. But she doesn’t give her maid those leaves. But she doesn’t give her maid those leaves. I asked the maid, “Do you want menstrual leave?” I asked the maid, “Do you want menstrual leave?” She was like, “I want a new detergent”. She was like, “I want a new detergent”. Every time I look at them together Every time
I look at them together I’m like,
“Wait till the maid finds out about all this. I’m like,
“Wait till the maid finds out about all this. I won’t call you a bitch, I won’t call you a bitch, but she sure will” but she sure will” That's when I realized women’s day is only celebrated
by women who know about women’s day. That's when I realized women’s day is only celebrated
by women who know about w
omen’s day. You remember as kids our parents always told us,
“Don’t throw away the leftovers? You remember as kids our parents always told us,
“Don’t throw away the leftovers? Give it to the house help,
that’s the nice thing to do. Give it to the maid”. Give it to the house help,
that’s the nice thing to do. Give it to the maid”. You think because of that our maids think You think because of that our maids thin
k butter chicken is just gravy? butter chicken is just gravy? That's the only time we remember her! That's the only time we remember her! I gave my house-help real butter chicken, I gave my house-help real butter chicken, she got super pissed. she got super pissed. “What the fuck is this meat that have you mixed in it?” “What the fuck is this meat that have you mixed in it?” She had no clue.
She had no clue. That butter chicken is women’s day for a lot of women.
We never shared this with them. That butter chicken is women’s day for a lot of women.
We never shared this with them. We say,
“Women’s day is all about feminism, discounts, parties!” We say,
“Women’s day is all about feminism, discounts, parties!” I asked my house help what she does on women’s day? I asked my house help what she does on
women’s day? She said,
“I do a whole lot of dishes!. She said,
“I do a whole lot of dishes!. Because people party and don’t even
bother informing me what’s the party about.” Because people party and don’t even
bother informing me what’s the party about.” “You fuckers say ‘You go girl!’
while you make me stay back and do the extra work.” “You fuckers say ‘You go girl!’
while you make me stay bac
k and do the extra work.” I thought, let me try helping. I thought, let me try helping. I gave her a menstrual cup. I gave her a menstrual cup. She washed and kept it with all the other cups. She washed and kept it with all the other cups. Next morning she served my dad red wine in that same cup. Next morning she served my dad red wine in that same cup. They have no clue. They have no clue. Forget
maids, my mom isn’t aware of these things. Forget maids, my mom isn’t aware of these things. People say things like
“I am comfortable in my body, I will wear whatever I feel like” People say things like
“I am comfortable in my body, I will wear whatever I feel like” Other people are like’
“You go girl, wear whatever you feel like” Other people are like’
“You go girl, wear whatever you feel like” My mom still we
ars a bra while sleeping. My mom still wears a bra while sleeping. And there is nobody to tell her this is not comfortable. And there is nobody to tell her this is not comfortable. How do I bring this up with her? How do I bring this up with her? I know it, but I can't say it. I know it, but I can't say it. I don’t want a MeToo at home, man. I don’t want a MeToo at home, man. How do I tell her?
Mom
asks me to take something off the top shelf, How do I tell her?
Mom asks me to take something off the top shelf, I ask her to take her bra off first. I ask her to take her bra off first. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to feel about my mom. I don’t know how to feel about my mom. My mom is the oppressed My mom is the oppressed but she is also the oppressor.
but she is also the oppressor. My mom takes our maid around so that she feels included. My mom takes our maid around so that she feels included. But she will randomly start talking to me in English
so that the maid doesn’t understand. But she will randomly start talking to me in English
so that the maid doesn’t understand. I have to keep reminding my mom this is wrong, I have to keep reminding my mom this is wrong,
but I too have to communicate that in English
so that she doesn’t understand. but I too have to communicate that in English
so that she doesn’t understand. I don’t know how to feel about this. I don’t know how to feel about this. In school my mom used to dress me up
as homeless for fancy dress competitions. In school my mom used to dress me up
as homeless for fancy dress competitions. And I used to wear thos
e clothes, And I used to wear those clothes, sit in a car, and ignore actual homeless people
on my way to the competition. sit in a car, and ignore actual homeless people
on my way to the competition. And then I used to go pretend to be homeless myself. And then I used to go pretend to be homeless myself. and they would give me a lunch box
for winning the competition. and they would give me a lunch box
for winning the competition. Do you see how wrong this is? Do you see how wrong this is? We’re just not getting it. We’re just not getting it. Since childhood, Since childhood, anytime a homeless kid came around,
my dad would say, “Don't give them money… anytime a homeless kid came around,
my dad would say, “Don't give them money… They have a boss,
who takes away everything they earn,
They have a boss,
who takes away everything they earn, And only shares enough so they come back
and do this the next day. And only shares enough so they come back
and do this the next day. Don't give them money!” Don't give them money!” I was like,
“Dad, that is exactly what happens with you at work.” I was like,
“Dad, that is exactly what happens with you at work.” I asked my mom, “Are you
sure dad isn’t a beggar?” I asked my mom, “Are you sure dad isn’t a beggar?” What brilliant acting we do to not give them money What brilliant acting we do to not give them money “I swear I have no money” “I swear I have no money” “Honestly, I have no change” “Honestly, I have no change” “I just finished all my cash”
I am sure they look at us and go, “I just finished all my cash”
I am sure they look
at us and go, “Between the two of us, how the fuck
are you pretending to be more helpless? “Between the two of us, how the fuck
are you pretending to be more helpless? Once while traveling,
a trans person came and asked for money. Once while traveling,
a trans person came and asked for money. My friend was like, ‘Don’t help this one. My friend was like, ‘Don’t help this one. This one’s a fake!’
This one’s a fake!’ I asked, “How do you know this one is fake?” I asked, “How do you know this one is fake?” He was like, He was like, “His clap isn't convincing!” “His clap isn't convincing!” People just say whatever the fuck they feel like. People just say whatever the fuck they feel like. Not only do we insult them, Not only do we insult them, We also use them as insults amongst ourselves.
We also use them as insults amongst ourselves. “You hobo!” “You hobo!” How is prostitute more offensive than terrorist? How is prostitute more offensive than terrorist? If I say, “Your sister’s a whore”
and I say, “Your sister’s a terrorist.” If I say, “Your sister’s a whore”
and I say, “Your sister’s a terrorist.” Nobody is taking offense to ‘terrorist’! Nobody is taking offense to ‘terrorist’!
I have tried this a lot of times. I have tried this a lot of times. Someone overtook me on the streets,
I yelled’ “Your sister’s a terrorist”, Someone overtook me on the streets,
I yelled’ “Your sister’s a terrorist”, they turned around and called my mom a whore
and I got pissed. they turned around and called my mom a whore
and I got pissed. A prostitute is a strong independent working woman. A pros
titute is a strong independent working woman. We haven’t told them this. We haven’t told them this. She is a strong independent working woman. She is a strong independent working woman. For us a strong independent working woman is someone who speaks English, For us a strong independent working woman is someone who speaks English, posts reels, posts reels, goes on vacations to the Maldives, tries to sell conditioner.
goes on vacations to the Maldives, tries to sell conditioner. They talk in English, say things like - They talk in English, say things like - Sexism, Sexism, Mansplaining, Mansplaining, Patriarchy, Patriarchy, Heteronormative oppression. Heteronormative oppression. Ask them in hindi,
“How to get women’s rights?” Ask them in hindi,
“How to get women’s rights?”
They will be like, “Try Amazon, Walmart.
They have everything.” They will be like, “Try Amazon, Walmart.
They have everything.” Empowerment is very language restricted. Empowerment is very language restricted. The speed at which LGBTQI community is adding letters, The speed at which LGBTQI community is adding letters, old people are struggling to catch up. old people are struggling to catch up. There is
a big gap. It is increasing everyday. There is a big gap. It is increasing everyday. A lot of boomers still think
LGBT community only has gay people in it. A lot of boomers still think
LGBT community only has gay people in it. And they are like, And they are like, “These gay people are all just ladies. “These gay people are all just ladies. They are all ladies, all these gays!” They are all ladies, a
ll these gays!” They have no idea about other people in the queer community. They have no idea about other people in the queer community. L itself is another letter. L itself is another letter. I asked,
“Uncle, what does the L stand for?” I asked,
“Uncle, what does the L stand for?” He said, “Lot of gays!” He said, “Lot of gays!” This is a big gap. This is a big gap. Gay people are
not ladies. Gay people are not ladies. There are other people in the queer community. There are other people in the queer community. There are people who actually want to be a woman. There are people who actually want to be a woman. The thing is they are demanding everything at the same time The thing is they are demanding everything at the same time and I am unable to explain all of it at once to my dad. and I am u
nable to explain all of it at once to my dad. You see the problem? You see the problem? There are people saying, There are people saying, “Just because I was born a man
that doesn’t mean I am a man” “Just because I was born a man
that doesn’t mean I am a man” and my father is like, and my father is like, “I told you, they are all ladies. “I told you, they are all ladies. Just listen
to your elders” Just listen to your elders” How do I explain shit to this man? How do I explain shit to this man? My dad thinks the ‘+’ in My dad thinks the ‘+’ in LGBTQIA+ is for fat people. LGBTQIA+ is for fat people. There is a big gap. There is a big gap. We are in an echo chamber. We are in an echo chamber. Once I told a village woman, Once I told a village woman, “
Aunty, you did not get to choose your gender, “Aunty, you did not get to choose your gender, you should not be forced to choose a washroom. you should not be forced to choose a washroom. Everyone will pee here together - Everyone will pee here together - Gender neutral washroom!” Gender neutral washroom!” She got pissed. She started yelling, She got pissed. She started yelling, “We just got our right to pee
in private… “We just got our right to pee in private… and you want to bring back the men?!” and you want to bring back the men?!” I tried to explain to her that I am an ‘Ally’. I tried to explain to her that I am an ‘Ally’. She asked, “Which caste is that?” She asked, “Which caste is that?” The idea isn’t reaching people it’s meant for. The idea isn’t reaching people it’s meant for. And neither is it reach
ing those it’s meant to shame. And neither is it reaching those it’s meant to shame. I said to a friend, “You are a womanizer!” I said to a friend, “You are a womanizer!” He retorted,
“Your mom’s a womanizer!” He retorted,
“Your mom’s a womanizer!” I had no comeback. I had no comeback. I called his sister a terrorist. I called his sister a terrorist. He turned around
and called my mo
m a whore. He turned around
and called my mom a whore. Women deal with creeps everywhere. Women deal with creeps everywhere. Everywhere! Everywhere! Go and ask a woman, “Who is he?” Go and ask a woman, “Who is he?” She will be like, “Come, let me introduce you. She will be like, “Come, let me introduce you. He’s my sisters husband and a son of a bitch. He’s my sisters husband and a son of a
bitch. Keeps asking for a ‘massage’ when I’m home alone.” Keeps asking for a ‘massage’ when I’m home alone.” Previously women were like - you need to feed me,
take care of me, take care of my family, then you are my man. Previously women were like - you need to feed me,
take care of me, take care of my family, then you are my man. Nowadays women are like - I will handle all of it! Nowadays women are like - I will handle all o
f it! BUT when I tell you I will text you after a shower, BUT when I tell you I will text you after a shower, please don’t go, “CAN I JOIN?” please don’t go, “CAN I JOIN?” We will have sex. We will have sex. We are still not doing it. We are still not doing it. Also, why will you bathe with someone? Also, why will you bathe with someone? It is the most pretentious activity. It is the most
pretentious activity. Nobody showers with their partner the way they actually shower alone. Nobody showers with their partner the way they actually shower alone. The problem with bathing with someone is that The problem with bathing with someone is that after you are done, you have to take a real bath by yourself. after you are done, you have to take a real bath by yourself. Only after I showered with women did I learn Only
after I showered with women did I learn that you shouldn’t pee where you bathe. that you shouldn’t pee where you bathe. Nobody gave us guys this information! Nobody gave us guys this information! Until then it is a game for me. Until then it is a game for me. “Oh wow, cold water - hot water, both at once!” “Oh wow, cold water - hot water, both at once!” That’s what I was doing. That’s what I was doing.
Women deal with creeps everywhere. Women deal with creeps everywhere. Still somehow you look at a man and you’re like, Still somehow you look at a man and you’re like, “Maybe this one’s different.” “Maybe this one’s different.” And we still fuck up. And we still fuck up. The creativity! The creativity! We’ve figured how to be creepy without using words. We’ve figured how to be creepy without u
sing words. (Cat calling noises) (Cat calling noises) We are now assholes in sign language! We are now assholes in sign language! What is even supposed to happen? What is even supposed to happen? How do they think this will convert? How do they think this will convert? For them it’s a mating call. For them it’s a mating call. They think they will go “Chu ccchh pssstpst.” They think they wi
ll go “Chu ccchh pssstpst.” And women will start going “Pssst pst chuch tccchh.” And women will start going “Pssst pst chuch tccchh.” And just go home. And just go home. I am not a creep. I am not a creep. Is what I would like to believe. Is what I would like to believe. Women are like, “Nah, we have our doubts!” Women are like, “Nah, we have our doubts!” I don't know. I don't know.
Here’s the thing dude - sometimes you are
not a creep but you can still creep people out. Here’s the thing dude - sometimes you are
not a creep but you can still creep people out. Like everything that we do revolves around having sex. Like everything that we do revolves around having sex. Everyone enjoys sex. Everyone enjoys sex. Still you can’t smile while having sex. Still you can’t smile while having sex.
Ladies, if you are having sex doggy style and you look behind, Ladies, if you are having sex doggy style and you look behind, and the dude is just… and the dude is just… You can’t do that You can’t do that and nobody told me this. and nobody told me this. I learnt it the hard way. I learnt it the hard way. I was having sex doggy style, I was having sex doggy style, she looked behind,
she looked behind, I was smiling. I was smiling. She walked away on all fours. She walked away on all fours. She left. She left. Then I had to do “Pssst pssst pst.” Then I had to do “Pssst pssst pst.” There is no sex education in india. There is no sex education in india. Nobody teaches you sex education, safe sex. Nobody teaches you sex education, safe sex. In India safe s
ex means In India safe sex means we had sex, our parents didn’t find out, we had sex, our parents didn’t find out, we are safe. we are safe. Let’s do it again. Let’s do it again. Let’s practice safe sex ten times! Let’s practice safe sex ten times! Oldies have a big problem with sex education. Oldies have a big problem with sex education. They say, “Don’t teach kids about sex,
they
’ll start having more sex” They say, “Don’t teach kids about sex,
they’ll start having more sex” ‘Start having more sex’? ‘Start having more sex’? You have been teaching them maths for eight years,
they are still struggling with it. You have been teaching them maths for eight years,
they are still struggling with it. How will they learn to have sex in a six month course? How will they learn to have sex in a si
x month course? And if they are indeed learning sex in six months, And if they are indeed learning sex in six months, shouldn't the sex-ed teacher be teaching maths instead?” shouldn't the sex-ed teacher be teaching maths instead?” Nobody taught me shit man. I had to depend on the internet. Nobody taught me shit man. I had to depend on the internet. What a bad source. What a bad source. Porn is such a bad source.
Porn is such a bad source. Every porn is just a person going, Every porn is just a person going, “Daddy doesn't love me! “Daddy doesn't love me! I suck at maths. I suck at maths. I am broke.” I am broke.” And then there will be that one person who will exploit
them have sex with them in that vulnerable situation. And then there will be that one person who will exploit
them have sex wi
th them in that vulnerable situation. I have been watching this for 15 years. I have been watching this for 15 years. It has backfired. I am fucked in the head. It has backfired. I am fucked in the head. Now I only like vulnerable people. Now I only like vulnerable people. The other day I saw someone’s house being demolished
and a lady was crying helplessly. The other day I saw someone’s house being demolished
and a lady was crying helplessly. I looked at her and thought I looked at her and thought “Oh my god!” “Oh my god!” She was crying and I was thinking, She was crying and I was thinking, “I’d bang her so hard!” “I’d bang her so hard!” This is not how you look at people! This is not how you look at people! As a dude you learn a lot of wrong things about women and sex. As a dude you learn a
lot of wrong things about women and sex. And I am trying to unlearn, And I am trying to unlearn, but it’s very difficult. but it’s very difficult. My upbringing is that. You get it? My upbringing is that. You get it? I was having sex with my girlfriend,
my girlfriend was like, I was having sex with my girlfriend,
my girlfriend was like, “Masoom, spit on me.” “Masoom, spit on me.” I
spat on her. I spat on her. And then I realised it's a game changer. And then I realised it's a game changer. Once you spit on someone Once you spit on someone you just look at them differently. you just look at them differently. Next day when we started fighting she was like,
“Masoom, how can you talk to me like this!” Next day when we started fighting she was like,
“Masoom, how can you talk to me
like this!” And I was like,
“Bitch, I spat on you yesterday!” And I was like,
“Bitch, I spat on you yesterday!” That’s where we are at in our relationship. That’s where we are at in our relationship. I say “I love you” I say “I love you” but my emotion is... but my emotion is... And I don’t know how to separate the two. And I don’t know how to separate the two. Women keep making fun
of men - Women keep making fun of men - “He doesn't know where the clitoris is. “He doesn't know where the clitoris is. He doesn’t know where the G - spot is.” He doesn’t know where the G - spot is.” We found our own G - spot by reading articles online, We found our own G - spot by reading articles online, how will we know anything about yours? how will we know anything about yours? The only reason why men
know where the clitoris is, The only reason why men know where the clitoris is, is because you women told us where it is. is because you women told us where it is. If collectively all the women decided to tell men that the clitoris is here, If collectively all the women decided to tell men that the clitoris is here, we’d just keep rubbing here. we’d just keep rubbing here. We’d give a lot of forehead kisses. We’d g
ive a lot of forehead kisses. Do you guys look at your dad and wonder Do you guys look at your dad and wonder does he know where the clitoris is? does he know where the clitoris is? You thing women of that generation have had orgasms? You thing women of that generation have had orgasms? There is a very high chance if we ask him,
“Dad where is the clitoris?”, There is a very high chance if we ask him,
“Dad whe
re is the clitoris?”, his answer will be, “Check in the drawer,
must be under your passport.” his answer will be, “Check in the drawer,
must be under your passport.” I have no clue. I have no clue. I was bathing with a girl once, in the middle of that she was like, I was bathing with a girl once, in the middle of that she was like, “Shush, Masoom for that part we have intimate wash.” “Shush, Masoom for that p
art we have intimate wash.” I wasn’t aware. I wasn’t aware. There is a different soap for vagina to maintain the pH Value. There is a different soap for vagina to maintain the pH Value. Nobody told me this. Nobody told me this. I went in thinking we are going to have sex, I went in thinking we are going to have sex, I came out thinking,
"If we place a litmus paper it will change colour!" I came out
thinking,
"If we place a litmus paper it will change colour!" That’s how little we know. That’s how little we know. You women know your body. You women know your body. Stomach is bloating. Stomach is bloating. Muscles are cramping. Muscles are cramping. Uterus is bleeding. Uterus is bleeding. Men are just like, “My stomach hurts.” Men are just like, “My stomach hurts.” “Wh
ere is it hurting?” “Where is it hurting?” “Inside the stomach”. “Inside the stomach”. Be it stomach ache or chest pain,
our solution to everything is, Be it stomach ache or chest pain,
our solution to everything is, “Give me some ENO (antacid), I'll be fine.” “Give me some ENO (antacid), I'll be fine.” I don’t go to the doctor because
I don’t know how to identify the body parts. I don’t go t
o the doctor because
I don’t know how to identify the body parts. Even the ones I do know, are because of cuss words. Even the ones I do know, are because of cuss words. I can’t go to the doctor and be like, I can’t go to the doctor and be like, “Hey Doc, there’s pain in my cock.” “Hey Doc, there’s pain in my cock.” Did you guys know there is intimate wash for men as well? Did you guys know there is intimate wash for
men as well? Exactly! Exactly! It’s made specifically for us, and still isn’t reaching us! It’s made specifically for us, and still isn’t reaching us! Even this is known only by women. Even this is known only by women. This is when I realised, sometimes when women gag This is when I realised, sometimes when women gag it’s not because the dick is big. it’s not because the dick is big. They are goin
g, “Ugh, that’s an unwashed dick!” They are going, “Ugh, that’s an unwashed dick!” That’s what the real reason is. That’s what the real reason is. You are not telling this to us You are not telling this to us and we keep shoving your head. and we keep shoving your head. Communicate! Communicate! I recently learnt men can be diagnosed with breast cancer too. I recently learnt men can be diagnosed wi
th breast cancer too. Because breasts are a muscle in everyone. Because breasts are a muscle in everyone. That’s why everyone can do breast stroke while swimming. That’s why everyone can do breast stroke while swimming. But our thinking and logic doesn't go that far. But our thinking and logic doesn't go that far. Anytime a doctor is telling a man, “Sir, you have breast cancer!” Anytime a doctor is telling a man, “Sir, you h
ave breast cancer!” The man is like, The man is like, “Asshole, are you calling me a lady?” “Asshole, are you calling me a lady?” Doctors try explaining,
“No sir, breast is a muscle in everyone” Doctors try explaining,
“No sir, breast is a muscle in everyone” He goes, “Get me ENO and I’ll be fine” He goes, “Get me ENO and I’ll be fine” We are done. You can turn off the cameras. We are done.
You can turn off the cameras. Now we will do jokes that my lawyer had disapproved. Now we will do jokes that my lawyer had disapproved.
Comments
Hey Hi! I have released a Uncut Version of all the three videos that I recently uploaded. Thank you for watching, I hope you enjoyed it. Like, Share, Subscribe, help me spread the word. For regular show updates, you can follow me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/masoom_rajwani To know where I will be performing in your city and other tour details, check out my linktree link. https://linktr.ee/MasoomRajwani Hope to see you at shows!
Used to watch and enjoy him a lot in open mics in 2018. Happy to see him again!
Broo what an episode!
Man. After a long long time, I got someone really good. Great job man. Just subscribed.
Love it man love it here This is different
Been seeing Masoom’s set since my early open mic days. The sharpest, most thought-provoking jokes!
The Legends of Masoom Rajwani🔥🔥🔥🔥
mast yaaar, kuch naya dekhne ko mila finally
Enjoyed listening to it again 😊
My long lost brother, we lost him in khumb mera, seeing his video and finding out he is alive is a big relief.😂😂
hi masoom. I've shared stage with u a couple of times in open mics. I first saw u in belapur performing in a cafe nd tday seeing u release ur spcl on u tube makes me very proud.
Bro deserves respect 💛
Good jokes, uncomfortable, but relatable. Keep is it up.
UNDERRATED❤😂
Awesome ❤🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥😅
mind blowing
Killer.. Tight set
Amazing Amazing Amazing!
U will go far dude
Bhai ka content unic hai lekin kadak hai 🎯