Michigan Dems Protest Vote & SCOTUS Tackles Bump Stock Ban | The Daily Show

Let's kick things off with the Supreme Court where the nine justices sat down today. And after Clarence Thomas put out his tip jar, they heard arguments on whether it should be legal to essentially turn ordinary guns into machine guns. The Supreme Court is hearing arguments on bump stocks. The attachments functionally turn semiautomatic rifles into automatic weapons. Donald Trump banned them in 2017 after the massacre at a Las Vegas music festival where a shooter, aiming from a hotel room, fired

1,100 rounds in just 11 minutes. REPORTER: Everyone agrees that machine guns can be banned. And the arguments here hinge, in part, on the very technical issue of exactly how bump stocks work and whether their mechanism fits the definition of a machine gun under the law. The justices really grappled with that today. And what we heard was broad agreement that preventing guns from firing hundreds of rounds per minute made a lot of sense. But there was disagreement about whether the ban was justifi

ed by that machine gun law. [RAPID GUNFIRE] Hold on, the Supreme Court is trying to decide if that gun is a machine gun? Look, I'm not a machine gun expert, but if a gun makes you go ahahahahahahhahahahah, that's a machine gun. The court spent all day throwing around very technical questions about trigger functions versus trigger pulls to determine what a machine gun is. But I'd like to suggest we approach this case with my new legal theory. It's called looking at something with your [BLEEP] eye

s. For instance, if a gun can fire-- [CHEERING] yeah. If a gun can fire 5,000 rounds a second, you can debate firing mechanisms or you can look with your [BLEEP] eyes and see that it's a machine gun. Are the shells flying out of the gun at a machine gun rate? Look with your [BLEEP] eyes. It's a machine gun. And this doesn't just stop with guns. My legal theory can be applied to all sorts of issues like IVF. OK, you could debate viability or conception or you could just look with your [BLEEP] eye

s and see if this was a cluster of cells in a Petri dish, not a person, OK? [CHEERING] Do I have to take this Petri dish to the playground and give it snacks all day? No? Then it's not a person. I've seen sourdough starters more alive than that. But no, but conservatives are saying it's not about how it looks. There's a very specific trigger mechanism, blah, blah, blah. They have the same approach to guns that snobby liberals do to wine. Unless it comes from the machine gun region of France, it'

s only a sparkling rifle. Look, I don't even blame gun nuts. I blame the forefathers. They should have been clearer. The Second Amendment is only 27 words. You'd think they'd put a bit more detail into the Amendment that gives killing power to everybody. But no, they just did 27 words. Even the Amendment that gives women the right to vote is 39 words, OK? That could have been three, "women be voting," done. All right? Yeah. Let's move on to a country that doesn't have gun problems, Scotland. Don

't get me wrong, they have equally big problems of their own. Now to furious parents in Scotland who thought they had scored a golden ticket to an amazing Willy Wonka experience, but instead wound up with something closer to the Fyre Festival. NARRATOR: A new event in Glasgow, Willy's Chocolate Experience, AI-generated images promising a whimsical day for kids with an enchanting garden, live performances, and character appearances, including Oompa Loompas all for about 45 bucks. [DING] Instead,

a near-empty warehouse, a bouncy castle with wooden tables set up, some janky props of candy, reports of kids crying. WITNESS: We've paid money. There's children here. REPORTER: One actor who played Willy wonka and described the event as a place "where dreams went to die." I hate to say it but if you're an actor who's playing Willy Wonka in a warehouse, your dreams probably already died a while ago. Look, I don't know why everyone is so upset that the kids were traumatized. Have you seen the mov

ie? Traumatizing kids is the authentic Wonka experience. They should just be thankful they didn't have to get rolled out. Oh, I'm sorry, you had to drink a plastic cup of lemonade? Violet Beauregarde has to buy three airplane seats from now on. People are comparing this thing to the Fyre Festival. Come on, guys, it's not the Fyre Festival. For one thing, none of the parents offered to suck an Oompa Loompa's [BLEEP] for a bottle of water. But I do get why the parents are upset. They marketed this

thing with these incredible AI pictures. I mean, it looks nice-- unless you looked at the AI written words. And maybe that should have tipped the parents off. I mean, look at the actual text on the website. "Catgacating?" "Cartchy tuns?" "Exarserdray lollipops?" "A pasadise of sweet teats?" Who reads that and thinks, oh, this seems legit? I mean, on the other hand, in Scotland, that's just what English sounds like, so. Finally, let's move on to the political news in our ongoing coverage of Inde

cision 2024. [MUSIC PLAYING] [CHEERING] Yesterday, my home state of Michigan held primary elections. But the big story was who Democrats didn't vote for. REPORTER: This morning, President Biden and former President Trump coming off huge wins in Michigan. But it's these voters who shook up the Democratic primary. If he doesn't get it together and change what he's doing, we will not vote for him in November. REPORTER: Overnight, an extremely unusual watch party for voters who cast their ballots no

t for a candidate, but for "uncommitted," in protest of President Biden's handling of the Israel-Hamas war. The effort's organizers had set their goal at 10,000 votes. They got more than 10 times that. Wow, 100,000 people went outside in Michigan in February to say they don't like you. That is a lot of commitment to uncommitment. Reminds me of my single years. [HOWLING] Anyways, it's horrible what's happening in the Middle East. And ceasefire supporters are sending Joe Biden a strong message tha

t if he doesn't push for an end to the war, they won't vote for him. [CHEERING] And I'm glad, I'm glad they're making their voices heard. This is how you get attention of politicians. You threaten to kick them out of office if they don't listen to you. Of course, in this particular situation, the guy who would take his place is Trump. Not only is he not sympathetic to your cause, he said he's going to add Gazans to the Muslim ban. It's like convincing your sister to break up with that guy who's

no good for her and then the next Christmas, she shows up with Pennywise. You know, he's got kids in the sewer. That's a red flag, sis. For more on the Michigan primary, let's go live to the state capitol with our own Jordan Klepper. [CHEERING] Jordan-- [CHEERING] Jordan, what's your take? What's your take here? Well, Michael, I can speak to the feeling over here because I'm actually a Michigan native myself, Michigander, if you will. Yeah, no kidding, same here. Where are you on the hand? Over

here on the Western palm. Oh, interesting, I'm just a little southeast of the thumb. Oh, you simple stupid thumb folk. I had no idea. It must have been wild cutting class to snort car grease in that abandoned Pontiac factory. All right, OK, like you guys had it so good in the West selling tulip bulbs so you could buy tickets to minor league West Michigan Whitecaps games. You take the name of the West Michigan Whitecaps out your mouth, thumb boy. OK, OK, let's-- look, look, Jordan, let's put our

obviously universal Michigan references aside for the moment and focus in on the primary. It seems like a lot of Democrats expressed dissatisfaction yesterday. True, Michael, but that embodies the beauty of our democracy. No matter who you are or where you come from, in our country, you will be heard, as long as you live in a swing state. [LAUGHTER] [CHEERING] Just the swing states? That's only like 10 states. Not at all, five max-- Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Georgia, sometimes Arizona.

Everything else might as well be Canada. OK, well, what about people who live in New York? They can shut the [BLEEP] up. Oh. No one gives a shit what those people think. OK, OK, I see what you're saying. So, really, we Michiganders hold a lot of power, whether we come from the East or the vastly inferior dimwitted pea-brained West. Yes, even you, the bizarro Eastern Michigan Jordan Klepper with worse hair and a strangely smaller forehead has power. The point is, we've got the Democrats by the ba

lls and we need to squeeze them like sweet Michigan cherries for everything we want. - I like that. Yeah, like peace in the Middle East. Yeah, sure, that can be part of it, but also, we need to build a wall on the Ohio border, keep the Buckeyes out. I love this. We could put Eminem on the Supreme Court. - Yes. - Yeah. We'll need like a federal holiday for Jeff Daniels' birthday and retroactively make the Lions this year's Super Bowl champions. MICHAEL KOSTA: Yep, yeah. I don't know how Biden doe

s that, but that's his problem, not ours. MICHAEL KOSTA: Yeah, we could-- we could declare lakes are better than oceans. Yeah, and Lake Michigan is obviously the best lake. I think you mean Lake Huron. I wouldn't be caught dead in that pill-infested sludge pool you call a lake. Lake Michigan is clearly superior. Lake Superior is superior. You moron, you're as useless as Ohio State's defensive line. [OH] You're not wrong about that. [BLEEP] the Buckeyes. Absolutely [BLEEP] the Buckeyes. Jordan Kl

epper, everybody, good guy.