Monologue: Check Your Side | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

It was a tough week for America. I mean, it started out good. I'm sure you all heard that Taylor Swift won the Super Bowl. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Uh, which... -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (CHUCKLES) Which drives MAGA nation crazy because the one thing they cannot stand is a blonde billionaire with a cult following. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -Uh... And then, there was a shooting at the parade! We can't have a Super Bowl parade in this country without a shooting? And you know, now it's always the s

ame thing. Every time, there's a shooting, every identity group is like, "Please, hope it's not one of us." Even trans people were like, "I hope this guy has a dick." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -And... -(CHUCKLES) -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Meanwhile, Trump is running around the country trying to balance his big-- (HESITATES) Well, talk about a busy schedule, you know. He's... he's running in all the primaries and he's got four trials going. Today, he had to do his makeup in the car. (AUDIENCE

LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Uh, that's probably actually true. (CHUCKLES) But the first criminal trial is gonna happen, it's gonna be in March. Now, that's the one with Stormy Daniels, the hush money trial. (SCOFFS) Only Trump could pay hush money to someone who is too embarrassed to talk about it to begin with. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And Trump-- but the other ones... I mean, this is just bugging me so much is that we may not get to see any of these other trials, we're not gonna have to have vote blind

on this. I don't know where all the time went. We had a lot of time to do this but that's Trump's tactic, to stall and delay and to stall and delay to try to get out of it. Uh, same tactic Melania uses in the bedroom. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But, uh... -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) -(CHUCKLES) Listen, I-- This sounds like I'm making this the joke, it's not. This is the true part of this. He used Valentine's Day, Trump did this year... (SMACKS LIPS, CHUCKLES) ...just to give a message to his wif

e in a fundraising letter and he said, "Melania, still love you because even after all the indictments, all the arrests and the witch hunt, you never left my side." (CLICKS TONGUE) Check your side. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Because I never see her there. -But, okay. -(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) And of course, the good news is, it's a three-day weekend! We have, uh, President's Day. We celebrate the birthdays of George Washington and Lincoln, boo! Terrible people, I know. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Uh, and then w

e have mattress sales. I never understood that. -What is the point of having... -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It makes no sense. Johnny Depp's birthday, that would make sense for a mattress sale.