My Doctor Disrespected My Eggs - Comedian Keyshia E - Chocolate Sundaes Standup Comedy

"Move to LA," they said. "Pursue your dreams." They ain't tell you you was gonna be picking your baby daddy online based on his favorite color, and his hobby, okay? This is where I'm at. Sperm bank. Look at me. No, look at me. (audience laughs) Do I look like I need to go to a sperm bank? This n*** ain't say nothing. He like, "Well, b*tch, that's what your doctor told you. "I dunno." Damn! You could have said, "Nah, sis," something. And she's looking at him like, "I wish you would say the b*tch

look like "she don't need to go to a sperm bank." (audience laughs) I was like, "You know what? f*ck it. "I wanna be a mom. I'm gonna do what I gotta do." Y'all laughing. I've been crying for the past two weeks. It was Monday, 3:30 PM, I was like, "f*ck it. I'm going to the sperm bank." By five o'clock, I changed my mind. I was like, "Ah, no." Y'all know how sometimes babies come out looking just like one parent? Yeah, and I was like, "If my baby come out looking just like this n***a, "and I don

't even know who this n***a is, "on Imma need my money back." I was like, "What's the return policy on sperm bank babies?" Is it like nine months with your receipt? Like Macy's let you return anything. What, are we...? She's like, "Don't worry, calm down. There's more options. "You can go to a fertility doctor and freeze your eggs." I'm gonna tell y'all right now, fertility doctors talk to you any kind of way when you 40 years old. They talk to you crazy. I went to the top fertility doctor in LA

. She was nice, polite, knowledgeable, respectful, until I told her my age. She was like, "Sweetheart, how old are you?" I was like, "I'm 40." She's like, "Girl, I ain't freezing no 40-year-old eggs." (audience laughs) This is a true story yall. And this was an Asian woman. I was like, "I ain't? "That's not even your vernacular." Like what? (audience laughs) She's like, "I don't freeze 40-year-old eggs." And I was like, "b*tch, do you fight 40 year olds? "'Cause you rude." I was like, why not? W

hy not? She was like, "I'm gonna put it to you like this. "Would you go to the grocery store and buy eggs "that have been on the counter for 40 years?" I was like, "This b*tch gonna make me catch a case!" (audience laughs) f*cking with me, Dr. Chang. I was like, "No, I wouldn't go buy new old eggs." No, no. But if I'm stranded on an island, right? And that's all we got, you dust them b*tches off and you scramble 'em up, right? This is what I'm working with. This heffer told me I'm carrying full

grown Cornish hens at this point. It's just rude. She was like, "It's just gonna be too much. "It's gonna be too much. "You're gonna have to go through too many cycles "and you're not gonna get enough eggs "and it's gonna be, it's 12 to 15 thousand dollars." And I was like, "b*tch, I got it." And she was like, "No, not the period." Because she was like "Per round." And I was like, "Ooh." I was like, "Y'all ain't got a buy one get one free?" Like when y'all having a fertility sale? She was like,

"So I did the math. "It's gonna be like a hundred dollars "for me to have a 2 to 5% chance to have a baby, right?" A hundred thousand. I was like, "This ain't no regular." A hundred thousand? This is a record label now. Like you a hundred thousand dollars in debt, buddy. You gotta get in that studio. I started thinking about it. I was like, I'm too petty. I could never let my kid live that sh*t down, right? I could see myself now. I'd be like, "Wow, that's crazy. "I cleaned out my whole savings

account for you, "and you can't even clean this room? "What? I paid a hundred thousand for you "and you can't even pick these Legos up? "I trade you in for a Tesla. "Quit playing with me. I ain't playing." (audience laughs) So in conclusion, somebody tell Nick Cannon to call me. (audience laughs) I'm Keysha E., y'all. (audience applauds)