New Year, New Me | Stand-Up Comedy For The New Year | Netflix Is A Joke

- Hello, hi. Happy New Year. I know what month it is. I know that's a confusing thing to hear outside of January, but I love saying Happy New Year, I go year round. I bring my Happy New Year's year round 'cause everybody loves it. Happy New Year, just feels good to say. Doesn't matter where you're from, your religion, your country, everybody celebrates it. It's not like Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas can go either way and I hate to offend people, so this whole last holiday season, I didn't let

out one Merry Christmas, that's true. Instead I said, may the birth of the one and only true God Jesus Christ bestow a blessing of grace and peace upon your household to the belittlement of every other false religion, lest you be gay, that's what I say. - I lost about 50 pounds and you know, yeah, maybe you're out there right now and you're thinking like, "Hey man, if you can do that, I can do that." Probably not. I mean, look what I'm doing right now, can you do this? I don't fucking think so.

I'm just an awesome guy, but- You know what sucks? When you lose weight on a public platform like I did, you get all these messages, I get so many messages, people are like, you inspired me, and I'm like, "Oh, I didn't mean to." People ask me like, will you coach me into weight loss? And I'm like, "Absolutely not." One guy hit me up like 50 times, please gimme a message to get this thing kick started. I was like, I'll give you a message, when you look in the mirror, do you say, I fucking hate y

ou? Then you're not ready. Cry more and eat less, send, that's my message. - I tried to, I'm always like trying to lose weight, and then like, you think I'll tape a special that will, you know, that'll do it and then you just kind of, next thing you know it's already started, so. I had a thing that happened that I do where it was like, I gotta get it together, like I, I like to golf and so I would sometimes bring clubs and I'll golf on the road and so I was in Florida and we go golfing. It's ver

y hot, humid, gross, you get kind of feeling gross. So I wanted to change shirts before I drove back and I go to the trunk of my car and I take my shirt off standing there, no shirt, and this old man walks up and goes, "Olivia?" I had to turn, I was like, "I'm sorry, what did you say? I'm sorry." And he was like, "Oh, sorry, honest mistake." And I was like, "I don't know." He was looking for his elderly wife and saw me with no shirt on and thought that could be Olivia at a car that he does not r

ecognize. None of this is making him not, he's like, "Oh no, that's a dead ringer for Olivia." I don't know who he disrespected more me or Olivia to be honest, I mean. We could both have a word with him. - I got back into therapy, anybody in therapy? Mostly women, that's the problem. It's very hard to stay in therapy. My old therapist told me that when I get close to people I have a tendency to self-sabotage and I thought that was bullshit so I ghosted her. And then I finally went back because I

finally dated enough people who all gave me the exact same feedback about my shitty personality. You know that romantic quota you hit where you're like, "Uh, oh. Might be me." Oh, the reviews are in and they are unanimous, that's a bummer. - Had to find a new hobby. Search hard for a new hobby too. I was road biking for a minute, getting miles in on a bike. I stopped though. I stopped, the reason why I stopped, I didn't like the way my dick looked in the outfit, true story. True story, looked

like I had a clit, I didn't like it. Between that and the long balls, it was a bad combination. Shit just didn't look right. You know when you stop at a light, you gotta click out. You gotta snap out at the like, "Hey, what's up?" Cars were slowing down, fuck you slowing down for man, get outta here, stop looking. - Well it was my New Year's resolution to lose 15 pounds this year. I've only got 25 pounds to go. - I like mayonnaise to the degree that it had to come into a New Year's resolution. I

t was a New Year's resolution that I could not order extra mayonnaise on my sandwiches. I could order mayonnaise but I couldn't use the word extra. And I found out very quickly I wasn't getting enough mayonnaise, but I didn't want to break my resolution, so here's how I would order lunch. Hi, I would like a turkey sandwich with Swiss cheese, lettuce, and (grunts) mayonnaise! - I don't wanna brag, but I've kept my New Year's resolution, I've done it, I've had pasta every day this year. Thank you.

To tell ya. It wasn't easy, it wasn't easy, there were some nights when I was like, "Oh my gosh, it's 11:30, I haven't eaten pasta. I have to wake my wife up and have her make me some." Yeah. But I do it 'cause it's about personal accountability. By the way, if you believe I would wake my wife up, you're drunk, all right? - What the hell have I been doing with my life trying to get in shape, man. I hate going to the gym, so I decided I'd go veggie twice a week. It's brutal. I can only make it '

till about five o'clock. Five o'clock, that's what I realized about myself. You know that something has to die every day in order for me to live. Something's gotta get its beak chopped off, it's feathers yanked, upper cut to its jaw just in order for me to survive, I'm trying. Couscous and all that shit. - Started eating apricots. Should've opened with that actually, that's big news. Bought some ready to eat apricots the other day, 'cause I'm trying to be more healthy. They say you are what you

eat, which is true 'cause as soon as I bought the ready to eat apricots, I was ready to eat apricots. - I've been trying to get in shape, woo. You guys, I went to the gym today. Man, I'm going inside tomorrow, but. I had to find it first, dude. It's right next to my McDonald's, I had no idea. It's hard, you ever realize how hard it is to get in shape? 'Cause everything costs money, it's expensive to get in shape, everything costs money. Workout clothes are expensive. You guys, I went to a store

called Lululemon. Now I know why they lose weight, they can't afford to buy food after they buy that shit. It's insane, if you don't know what Lululemon is, it's a store that sells workout clothes for people that don't need to workout. I went into the store, right? Guess what I found out? I'm too fat to fit into their workout clothes. I'm too fat to work out? - I was like, I gotta quit smoking, I felt so weak, you know? I tried going cold turkey, but then I just ate the turkey. I'm a naughty lit

tle pun boy. - I got a therapist recently. Yeah, you have to guys, you do like. Well if you're gonna complain as much as I complain, unfortunately you do have to get one like, yeah. I feel like my friends were starting to be like, you should pay someone to do what you expect of us. I was like, "Oh, okay." I found this therapist and he's really smart and we Zoom and he said something interesting where he said, "Remember, you are not the feeling like, sure, you feel consumed by the feeling, but yo

u are not the feeling." And he said, "Within you and within everyone, there's like a very still, neutral, eternal self and you know, you experience the feelings, but you're not consumed by them." And he said, "Rather than identifying so much with the feeling, like I'm anxious, I'm this." He said, "Don't be consumed by the feeling, just observe the feelings as they come with curiosity." Have you heard that before? Apparently, that's the, so I think you're just supposed to be like, "Huh." I'm expe

riencing rage. How curious, how curious. - On behalf of everyone, can I please say people need to back the fuck off January. We already have dry January, now we have Vanuary. Newsflash, January already shittest the month of the year. That is not the month you should be giving up vices. If anything, that is the month you should be finding new ones for. Oh Jack, are you giving up booze and meat for January? Nope, but I will be taking up heroin. Yeah, the month flies by and that Christmas weight ju

st drops off. Who's with me? 2021 Smackuary. - Ah, I haven't had a drink in 18 months, right? I don't drink anymore. I think if you've watched my career, you have seen that I have had struggles. I did some of my specials, I was drunk during the whole specials. There was a couple of specials, I blacked out straight afterwards and I don't remember the fucking special. I just, I had years that I was good and then I got a handle on it, then I couldn't get a handle on it, and then it got away from me

, it's been a struggle I've had for many years. And so I wanna talk to you about something really important. And I know a lot of you won't like me talking about this, but I had something come into my life that throughout my life, I've always rejected, and this has changed, has given me. Weed. How good fucking good is weed? I had no idea. It was a drug that I just never did, I was doing cocaine and all, pills and all this fucking shit. I never touched weed, I was like, I might get a bit peck, it'

s the fucking best. I never want to drink again, man, I don't wanna drink. I much prefer being high. I don't drink no more, I'm high and dry, baby. High and dry. - I want to get in shape 'cause it's a double standard between bigger people and smaller people, right? Like a bigger person and a smaller person could do the same shit, who everybody gonna judge? The big motherfucker, that's fucked up. How much you weigh, bro? - [Audience Member] 140. - 140. Nigga, I was in the third grade the last tim

e I was 140. You got it good, bro, enjoy that shit, you in the ones. Look, I see you, you could fit H&M, your little fucking H&M outfit, fuck you. I can't fit H&M, that shit don't work for me. H&M on me is more like H&Mmm. At 140, you can do what you wanna do, it's a double standard. You go to Popeye's tonight. Walk in Popeye's, get you a suitcase. Filled with chicken. You 140, ain't nobody going say shit to you. I come out that same Popeye's eating some lettuce, people looking at me, look at th

e fat nigga with the lettuce. Look at big boy trying to get healthy, look, look, look. Look, look, look, look, look, look. New Year, new you, huh?