Nothing Is More Terrifying Than A Hippo. Cam Bertrand

It's terrifying how much information is just on the internet at your disposal. Did you all know that hippos kill 3,000 people a year? (audience laughing) 3,000 people a year die by hippo. That's eight a day. That's a regulation kickball team. That's so many people. That's almost all the Kardashians in 24 hours. It's an endless amount. So many people, and nobody cares. I think it's because people don't know enough about hippos, right? We just let it go, but hippos can weigh up to 10,000 pounds an

d run up to 30 miles per hour. To put that in perspective, Usain Bolt is our fastest human being of all time. His fastest clocked speed is 27 miles per hour. He trained his entire life to be the fast human being we've ever had walked this Earth just to get outran by the average hippo. (audience laughing) Not the Usain Bolt of hippos, just David. Just any hippo out the swamp, better than us. You know how much money I'd pay to watch Usain Bolt race a hippo and lose. (audience laughing) Insane. So

many crazy-- they spend 16 hours a day in the water, which means they're only on land for eight hours a day murdering people. (audience laughing) That's a part time job. That is a shift at the Arby's and they're putting up Hall of Fame numbers. (audience laughing) And nobody cares. Nobody here is hippophobic. (audience laughing) There's not a single hippophobe. Nobody's got hashtags. No picket fences, stop the hips, nothing. We just let them do it. There's more arachnophobes in this building rig

ht now than hippophobes. (audience laughing) You know how many spiders I've killed in my lifetime? Thousands. I kill them in my sleep. Num num num. Num num num. They're so dumb, they crawl in your mouth while you're sleeping. I'm not afraid of anything I can kill while unconscious. (audience laughing) I wasn't even trying to not kill you. Num num num. You know how you kill a spider? Just like that. (audience laughing) That's all you gotta do. You can headbutt it if you're ambitious. (audience la

ughing) You know how you kill a hippo? A rocket launcher. (audience laughing) It's the only way. Nobody cares. (audience laughing) Baffling to me. They're not even cute. I know it sounds mean, but nobody's favorite animal is a hippo. They're not cute. Like, at least if you told me that penguins kill 3,000 people a year, I'd be like yep, they do this. (audience laughing) They're like quack, quack. I don't know if they quack. I don't know. (audience laughing) Nobody here knows the sound a penguin

makes. (cough by audience member) I don't know why that cough sounded like that. (cough sound) I'd be, like I don't know, maybe. (audience laughing) 3,000 people a year have to give a eulogy at a funeral in front of friends and family, coworkers with a straight face. (audience laughing) And just have to be up there like, "we're here today to honor Steven, "whom last week was brutally "hippopotamussed." (audience laughing) If I die by hippo, lie at my funeral. Lie to everybody. Don't you dare loo

k my mother in the face and tell I got hippoed, all right? (audience laughing) You tell her I fell off a cliff, I had a heart attack, Carol Baskin's got me, anything but the hippos. (audience laughing)