[Music] [Narrator] The decision to foster or adopt, changes everything. [Child; in video] "Here's me!" [Narrator] Including the roles, relationships, and routines that define us as families. Considering
how your family dynamics might change is an important part of the process. In the following
segments, you'll learn how foster care or adoption can impact relationships both inside and outside
your home and how to manage some common challenges as your family's dynamics change. You'll hear
from
experts in the fields of foster care, adoption, kinship care and trauma and meet a couple
who formed their family of six through adoption. [Joseph Crumbley] When we're talking about family dynamics in general we're talking about interactions and relationships between members in
a family. We're talking about roles, we're talking about attachments, we're talking
about loyalties. [Narrator] Foster care and adoption can change the dynamics of the relationships
between family members inside the
home, including spouses or partners, children already
in the home and biological siblings who come into care together as well as extended family
members and friends. In homes with two parents, it's critical to share parenting
duties, communicate your needs, and show unity in decisions and discipline. [Sue Badaeu] When
you're thinking about fostering or adopting, you start immediately thinking about the child that
you want to bring into your family, you start thinking about how it's going to
have an impact
on you as the parent or you as a couple. [Kids indistinguishable] [Kids playing] "Dre." "Tina." "Michael." [Narrator] Meet Jonathan and Alison Douglas. The Douglas' built their family of six through adoption. [Allison Douglas] John and I had been married probably about seven years when we started fostering. [Sue Badaeu] Raising children in general is
hard on relationships at times. I mean, it can also bring you closer together,
it can also be a joy that you share, but there's
plenty of times when it can be a
stress or a strain. [Allison Douglas] We share parenting, I mean it is 100 percent on both of us. It is not, 'Mom has certain tasks and Dad has certain tasks', we share everything. I don't feel like I have the bulk of the burden.
[Sue Badaeu] You really have to be able to, not only have, frequent and ongoing communication, but you
have to have little signals and ways to kind of cue each other. [Allison Douglas] Most of it is just checking in and
if one of us
is feeling like we're not getting our needs met is just saying like, 'Hey, this isn't working right now.' [Narrator] Bringing a new child into the home can impact biological children and other
foster or adoptive children already in the home. [Kids indistinguishable] [Laura Ornelas] Every family is unique, every child is different and so I think what's really important is that the family take a look at who the kids in their family
are and the dynamics amongst the kids and the dynamics in the f
amily. [Allison Douglas] Anytime a new child joins
your family, it becomes this web of relationships so it's not just about you and your relationship
to that child. [Laura Ornelas] If you have children in the home then it's important to include them in the
process, they can even become playful with them. So for example, as you're going around the community, you might say, 'Oh, what would it be like if we had a child, another child with us? What would it be
like when we're sitting here at thi
s restaurant?' [Narrator] As Jonathan and Allison welcomed new children into
their home, they made sure to ease the transition by spending one-on-one time with the new child
as well as the children already living in their home. [Allison Douglas] The thing that we had to be really thoughtful
about was making sure that all the kids felt like they got time with us and that all of them felt
like they were important. [Sue Badaeu] I was intentional about taking a different child grocery shopping w
ith me
every week. So it can be built into routines that you already have it doesn't have to be adding
something on. [Narrator] Family time is important too. [Sue Badaeu] Have some little rituals, some traditions, some ways
you do things that are inclusive and that you incorporate everyone in. [Allison Douglas] We love to go to the
movies together, we go to lots of movies, we like to play games together. Every Christmas, we add
a new ornament to the tree so each child gets to pick an orname
nt and we try to get them to
choose something that they've been interested in, in the year. [Sue Badaeu] So really doing things as a family whether it's when you go on an outing whether, it's just that time you're hanging around together before bed. [Narrator] When biological siblings enter care together, the dynamics of their relationship is
likely to change that. [Tino; indistinguishable] [Narrator] When their son Tino's biological brother, Michael
joined the family, the Douglas' had to he
lp Tino adjust to his new role. [Allison Douglas] Before they came to live
with us, Tino was really Michael's main caregiver and we thought that T would be really excited to have Michael join our family right away. When that happened he said, 'Oh no, do I have to change
diapers again?' [Sue Badaeu] This is something you often find in sibling groups where their experience either of not having reliable parents care for them. One child in the sibling group really does take
care of the other chil
d or children. [Jonathan Douglas] It took years for Tino to get comfortable with us parenting
and taking care of Michael. [Sue Badaeu] But it's really important not to cut that child off from their
role as sort of that parenting caregiving too soon or too abruptly, so it's like enlisting
that child as your support team. [Narrator] Age-related considerations, chronological age, developmental age, and birth order can also change family dynamics. [Allison Douglas; to son] Ray, look how little yo
u were. [Ray; to Allison Douglas] My mom is me my mom
is the best mom." [Sue Badaeu] As soon as you bring multiple children from different families, you're changing
somebody's birth order. [Laura Ornelas] If you have a child who really wants to stay the youngest child then
maybe you're not going to be bringing a child into the home that's younger than that. [Narrator] For the
Douglas', that meant preserving Tino's status as the oldest child. [Jonathan Douglas] It's a little unnatural to
hav
e the oldest kid, who's been the oldest kid and a primary caregiver to one of the other kids
for so long, to suddenly be replaced by somebody that's now the oldest child in the house. So
that's the only real rule we had internally on placements. [Narrator] Adoption and foster care also impacts
your relationship with extended family members. [Sue Badaeu] People like to have time to process. When you are pregnant and bringing a child into the family, your extended family has nine months to get
used
to the idea, get excited with you or express any concerns and so you really want to as much as
possible, engage family members in the process, talk to them, get their views. It's not a democracy,
you don't need to take a vote, but you want to see where your support is going to come from you want
to see where some of your challenges might be. [Narrator] At times, foster and adoptive parents may
feel judged, criticized or even rejected by family members. [Allison Douglas] It's been chall
enging
for some of our extended family to really understand how we parent. Often they think that
we are too permissive and at the same time, like we're overbearing because we are always checking
in, so they don't really understand that. [Joseph Crumbley] I've seen some adoptive parents actually get to the point
where they've told relatives what's expected, how they need to have them treat the children. [Allison Douglas]
We've had to agree that they don't have to get it and that our kids are
our kids and we
know what's best for them. We just have to say, 'You don't get to pick the way we discipline' or 'You may not discipline our children.' [Grandpa indistinguishable] [Allison Douglas] John's dad is a pastor and so they have some pretty specific beliefs about
the way children should behave and when Tino first came to join our family, he had quite a vocabulary
of four letter words and so we had to tell the pastor, 'Listen, we're not going to correct
that because right now, that's
not what's important.' We're focusing on things like building trust
and so that was new to them to think like, 'What? It's okay for a kid to use curse words?' They rolled with it. [Narrator] When the new parent figure is a relative like in the case of kinship care, there are
additional considerations for changing roles. [Speaking indistinguishable] [Joseph Crumbley] The grandparent is now becoming the parent the
birth parent is no longer in a primary caregiver role. The child's line of accou
ntability and
responsibility and respect now changes from birth parent to caregiver. [Narrator] For kinship providers,
shifting the caregiver role from the birth parent to a family member, creates conflicts of loyalty
and authority. [Joseph Crumbley] Family members assume they have the same rights and privileges that they had before
the child was moved into kinship care. It may mean the birth parent saying to the child, 'When Grandmom
speaks, she speaks for me.' It may mean also the caregiv
er saying to that same child, 'I'm not going
to replace mom and I can't replace dad, but these are the things I'm going to do to show you that I
deserve your respect.' [Narrator] Foster care and adoption can also affect a family's relationship with friends,
neighbors, members of the community, even co-workers. [Allison Douglas] I do remember one of our friends saying, 'I love
coming over to your house, but like your kids, man, [Allison wheezes; Jonathon laughs] because they're just a lot for
, for him to
handle.' [Sue Badaeu] Unless they've also been foster or adoptive parents they're not going to really
get the day-to-day things you're going through. [Tino Douglas] "Oh, Mommy, look! Look at [indistinguishable] [Allison] "Oh, come on." [Allison] "I'm actually in this [indistinguishable]." [Narrator] As the roles
and relationships in your family change, you may encounter challenges and stress. Emotional
stress affects all family members. Caregivers who manage stress well are thos
e who can adapt their
expectations, show unity, make time for self-care, and prepare their children and themselves
for change. Adapting expectations can help foster and adoptive parents be more flexible
with the needs of the children in their home, especially if they've experienced trauma, grief
and loss. [Sue Badaeu] Children who come from backgrounds where there's been trauma or loss, often they feel
they don't have a voice, they haven't had a voice. Their voice has been lost or taken awa
y. [Allison Douglas] One of
the things that I have noticed is that trauma symptoms for females and males tend to be a
little bit different. We had lots of externalizing behaviors in the boys that came to us. And then
the girls that came to us, typically had more internalizing behaviors and I wish that I
had known that early on because internalizing behaviors often look like compliance and
good behavior, but really are not. [Laura Ornelas] And so what's going to be important is to be as open
as
possible for the unknowns that are going to come. [Allison Douglas] My definition of what success looks like has changed completely and for me personally, success meant perfection until these kids came to my
life and now success means meeting their needs. [Jonathon Douglas] A great example of that is one Halloween, we were
all going to carve pumpkins and everything was going to be perfect and one of our kids was like,
'I really need to bash the pumpkin with a baseball bat and there was a
moment where we're like, 'No,
this is all choreographed to be a pumpkin carving [laughs] of it [laughs]. But we had the flexibility and the insight to
say, 'You know what? Here's the baseball bat, go at it. [Allison Douglas] And at the end of that pumpkin session,
he brought me a piece of pumpkin and said, 'This is my jack-o'-lantern' and he made a little
face in it. [Jonathon Douglas] So we had three carved pumpkins and one completely smashed one, but four happy kids
and that was success
that day. [Sue Badaeu] So when you can give them opportunities to have that voice again,
that's part of healing, but that also means that they're less likely to need to express their
voice through behaviors that are challenging. [Narrator] To ease stress for all family members in the home,
parents should show unity in decision-making and discipline. [Sue Badaeu] When you're married or have a parenting
partner to the children, it has to show that you're on the same page about things. So I thi
nk it is
important for children especially those coming into your home from a difficult background or a
trauma history to be able to see, you know, in this family people can have problems, they can disagree
and they solve it without anyone having to leave. [Narrator] Making time for self-care often gets lost
in the demands of parenting, but self-care is critical to help you manage stress. [Sue Badaeu] You have to
go into your journey of becoming a parent with a, some thought about, 'How are
we going to
take care of ourselves? How are we going to make sure that we have the ability to manage
stress?' You have to think of, 'What can I do that's even for five minutes?' on a daily basis. [Allison Douglas] Just being
mindful about self-care is really important to me because I could think of 50 things I could do to
fill up an hour, but sometimes what I need to do is just take a nap or read or listen to music. [Sue Badaeu] If
you really build it into your life where you have those da
ily moments, it's kind of like the little
valve on the pressure cooker, it's going to let off a little steam little at a time. [Narrator] For children who
have experienced trauma, unexpected changes to the family dynamic can be stressful. Preparation is the
key to helping children adjust to these changes. [Allison Douglas] It's just really normal for kids to feel
jealous and worried and then if you add in some of the stress from trauma, maybe not getting
enough food then having a new person
come in the family becomes even more stressful. [Sue Badaeu] There might be children who worry, 'Am I going to have to share everything that's mine?' and 'Am I going to lose all
my privacy?' Or 'Am I going to lose my time with you?' Even children born to you and with a pretty
secure upbringing to this point might have some of those fears and concerns. [Laura Ornelas] They might
need space from one another, they might want to spend time with different friends.[Jonathon Douglas] We've created
a lot of separate spaces within the household too where the kids can be and feel comfortable and
feel safe. [Allison Douglas] So we were always very aware of that and trying to also remember with behaviors that
showed up when new kids came to the family that they wouldn't last forever. That really, that's
part of the stressor of adding someone new. [Jonathon Douglas] So just expecting that, they're going to go back to
that very early behavior when there's a stressful situation. Some, somebo
dy new coming into a family, changing the family dynamic is definitely one of those situations. [Narrator] Be mindful of how temporary
placements may affect the children in your home. [Laura Ornelas] When children are only going to be living together
for a short period of time, it's important that children are prepared in advance. Sometimes they
will start to fall in love with one another and they will really want to be connected to that
child and soon after, it might be the time that they h
ave to leave. [Allison Douglas] We would consistently tell them, 'You know, we're a place that kids can be safe until they can go back home to their mom or dad
or until the judge tells us what to do.' [Jonathon Douglas] So prepping and doing a lot of prep work about what's going
to happen then provides them some comfort when it does happen because it's following the script
you've kind of laid down is going to happen. [Allison Douglas] We actually had a sign made for our house and it said,
'Y
ou're safe, you're loved, there's always enough.' Because when someone new joins the family, it
can feel like there's not enough of you as the parent to go around, that there's not enough, [Jonathon; interjects] Food. [Allison] Toys, food, stuff and so just reminding our kids that there's always going to be enough for you was
something that they found really comforting. [Joseph Crumbley] Being able to know that you have children that are
growing up healthy, that have a sense of family, they h
ave a sense of identity, that feel loved. That, that's what makes it work. [Allison Douglas; to child] "I love you. baby." [Child; to Allison] "I love you."
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