Paul Myrehaug Full set from the Snowed in Comedy Tour 2023

[Music] all right please welcome to the stage your final performer tonight Paul [Applause] meerhof good to see you guys this is been a great year for me uh I was uh urinated on um uh this summer I was urinated on I live overseas I live in France and uh I live along the Mediterranean most mornings I'd like to start the day jump in the med have a swim and uh if you've ever traveled there you would know there's jellyfish in the Mediterranean so uh my biggest fear in life was being stung by one this

summer it came true and we all know the cure for jellyfish sting is urine so you're hoping it happens on a portion of your body that you can uh take care of that uh you know yourself I do not know why I did that motion just right now I have no idea I I think that's a different cure I believe that's for ticks um but I was swimming and un fortunately I was stung right here by a jellyfish and uh I didn't have the dexterity uh or [ __ ] lengths to uh I was in big trouble all right I needed help now

there was a family walking down the beach towards me all right there there was a uh father there was a mother the mother was wearing a baby carrier on her chest there was an infant inside all right and they knew I was in trouble cuz I was rolling around on the sand trying to piss on myself and uh they sort of hurried towards me and they were like say problem problem now I speak French but I still work on it every day I take lessons and jellyfish sting has not come across my desk yet okay so wit

h my limited knowledge I tried fumbled my way through it I was like we we gr problem gr problem uh pan uh confer [Music] uh and it worked they understood what I was trying to get at you know now at that point I thought it was going to be hard to find another human being to piss on me I thought that was going to be difficult but right away the French man was like well let's get this [ __ ] party started here we go it was too quick you know I wasn't emotionally prepared for it you know so I starte

d slapping out his crotch I was like you know cuz there's three humans standing in front of me the the dad piss is the last piss that I want in that equation you know what I mean so I said uh fem fem wife wife you know ah ah wife wife you know he was like say my you know I was like let's do the baby then give me that baby you know we'll we'll hang it over the wound and squeeze it like a lemon you know we'll get that baby juice out of there it did not work so I was urinated on by a French man and

the thing that still haunts me today all right it wasn't the temperature of the urine all right uh it wasn't the gentle moaning as he did it um it's the color Colona that's what sticks with me okay it was like a kidney failure Guinness his uh [Applause] so I'm in therapy I really am trying to improve my life you know I've been doing this a long time and uh I'm bored during the days I've been working 20 minutes a night for 20 years and [Applause] uh I'm at the end of my godamn rope I try to make

my daytime fun now I play these like life skits you know I like to do these life skits and right now Starbucks is the best ally in my fight all right Starbucks what they do you order a coffee quite often they'll write your name in big bold letters with a felt marker people forget about that that their names on their cups so I go to all these cities I walk around town I look at everybody's cups all right and I'm looking for the name Marty all right and every once in a while The Sun Shines on me

and I see a Marty out there and what I do is I bolt as fast as I can directly at that human being all right and I scream I go Marty all right and he's terrified he has no idea who I am right and then I go I'm from the future [Applause] Marty there's a problem with your kids my I love how most of you are laughing at that except there's just this one girl from gen Z right here just staring at me like who the hell is Marty what are you talking [Laughter] about it's a motion picture flicker show you

ng [Applause] lady there's a few young people here tonight that's actually my biggest fear in life is losing connection with your Generation all right I never want to lose connection with the younger generation uh so I want to be cool you know I want to be rad you know uh so I asked for help I got on Google I got on the Google you know and uh I just Googled I said what does gen Z care about Google and right away Google told me that they care about sex positive postivity everybody all right and t

hey even have a phrase for it they say you should be able to [ __ ] what you want when you want Jen Z and I think that's beautiful good for you Jen Z but what pisses me off about that is that you're so cocky your generation that you think that you invented it that's what pisses me off okay I've got news for you on behalf of all of us you are teenagers we were all that horny when we were your age okay when I was a teenager I had this uh foam soccer ball is what I had everybody okay and uh and I c

ut a hole in that soccer ball and I [ __ ] that soccer ball for four years that's what I did I [ __ ] what I wanted what I [Applause] wanted oh that soccer ball had a rough High School career I will tell you that I even had a nickname for it it was called uh Messi is uh Messi's a professional soccer or a young lady when I graduated you could have gone five pin bowling with that thing I'll tell you that I uh God I love this town I really do people always ask me if I miss living in uh Canada I I d

o that there's one law the biggest difference between France and Canada this one law just pisses me off is H did you guys know when you're drunk at 3:00 in the morning in Canada it is illegal for you to walk through the drive-thru at McDonald's did you guys know about that L that's a of course Rutland oh yeah oh yeah [Laughter] bud that's insane I I remember the the exact night I found that out I was downtown Vancouver a long time ago and I was planning on drinking so uh I was hanging out with m

y buddy quacy I brought my car downtown quy he doesn't drink all right he's sober uh so uh the plan was go out have some drinks and then during this uh he he bet me uh a $100 that I couldn't eat 60 McNuggets in 60 minutes okay and I took the bet I said let's go to my car we'll hit the drive-thru we sat in my car and uh that's when I realized bless him quy he can't drive manual transmission okay can't do it so I said don't be embarrassed you know we'll walk through the drive-through it'll be fine

so we uh we walked up to the little ordering box which I think is uh the most interesting job for a teenager in Canada uh the 3:00 a.m. shift behind that speaker we you know you get to meet every Canadian at their not finest Hour you know what I mean we're uh we're not classy were there and I'm no different than you guys I walked up and I was like Hey McDonald's man 60 McNugget 60 and right away he was like I'm sorry sir you're not in an automobile I can't serve you tonight you know so I lied t

o him I'm like I am in an automobile I actually am he was like no you're not there's a video camera I can see you so I said you haven't heard the Last of Me McDonald's man right we went back to my car I came up with a game plan I said quy get in that driver seat all right you can't drive manual transmission no big deal you sit there and I'll do the sticking from the passenger seat okay you know you do the steering in the gasing all right we'll get these bloody McNuggets you know completely forge

tting that this is actually not the difficult part of manual transmission everybody all right it's actually the gas in the clutch that's the problem you know this part is easy in fact if you get lost there is a map directly on top of it that you can follow you don't got to be D the Explorer to figure it out you so we put our plan in action and it's going terribly all right quy stalls the car like 17 times on the way up to the but we limp it in there we make it back all right and I go get who's b

ack [ __ ] 60 McNugget 60 now at this point I'm very proud of myself okay I beat the system but the kid inside he is terrified all right he's thinking this Maniac is operating an automobile right now okay uh and he did what every reasonable human being should do he called the cops immediately okay and then he kept his mouth shut he doesn't say a thing all right handed us the McNuggets we're on our way quacy stalls it like nine more times says we're trying to leave top of the drive-thru right cop

s they come to our window they say boys what the hell is going on here there's a kid crying inside uh no you were obviously drunk I watched you stall the car nine times as you were trying to leave now I was the drunk one so I figured I better be the one talking to the cops right that's how that works I'm going to smooth this over right quick right so I said uh listen Big Boy in Blue uh you don't got to worry about a goddamn thing my buddy quacy is sober as a judge he just can't drive the manual

transmission but uh I'm doing the sticking and uh you he's doing the steering so uh well why don't you get back in your Buffalo taxi and [ __ ] off how does that [Applause] sound have you ever seen a cop's eye twitch before have you ever seen that he was so angry he's like you're you know but then he had to have an honest moment with himself all right he's like you guys are morons you're idiots but I'm not sure if you're in trouble or not because I don't know if what you're doing is illegal to b

e honest with you you're the only two idiots that have tried this in my 20 years of policing I'm going to go talk to my supervisor all right anyway I got half a DUI and uh yeah had to move to Europe and in case you're wondering that night I ate 60 McNuggets in 60 minutes colono you're goddamn right I did it I did it 100 bucks [Applause] y ah I want to uh talk to you guys about a special lady in my life this is a reoccurring character in my uh comedy routine if you've seen me before maybe you've

heard of my aunt Christine all right here's the deal quick rundown uh she's in her 90s and she's on Facebook all right and she's very active on it she does daily status updates they're the most adorable thing you've ever read in your life all right so what I do is I get one of her status updates I read you hers and then I go back and get mine from the same day and I'll read you mine and uh we'll see who the better human is okay it'll be fun so the first she says uh as I get older my eyes are fai

ling me though somehow I see more clearly the real beauty of friendships a uh mine from the same day uh saw my buddy Pete take a puck in the balls today still hilarious at 40 on Chris says marry your best friend because in the end it's the laughs you share you'll remember the most mine I like my women like I like my pizza large Hawaiians it's true on CH says the only thing stronger than my new titanium hip is my faith that Jesus will help me heal quickly a uh mine a hurricane in Canada we alread

y have winter pick a [ __ ] Lane [Applause] Jesus I thought that lady was rushing the stage at [Laughter] first I thought you were upset at my Jesus joke you're like I'm going to Will Smith the [ __ ] out of this [Applause] guy she's wearing a mask undetected oh I actually Model A lot of my uh life after my aunt she's still married after 66 years I just hope me and my wife can uh yeah I love my wife you know she her relationship with this world is so different than my relationship a good example

uh we're in our small village and uh we're walking and this mom pushing a stroller was coming towards us and my M stopped her and was like hey uh can I hold your baby I love babies you know and the mother was like of course you can woo yeah and my M uh picked up the baby put her nose in the baby's belly and was [Music] like I love the smell of [Applause] babies that's such a different reality than what I live in all right imagine if it was reversed and I was like hey can I [ __ ] smell that bab

y oh that's a fresh one that is a fresh [Laughter] one I'm going to do one little uh one more skit here um but uh before I do uh I just want to give you guys uh like we had uh 65 cities to choose from in Canada uh we chose here to tape because you guys are always so supportive this is a huge theater it's always sold out and uh we really appreciate it thank you very much Colona you're the best thank you thank you thank you thank you be of me thank you I love you guys uh I got in uh trouble in Ban

gkok um Thailand I do comedy tours over there now you it's one of my favorite places to do comedy tours I I'd never been to Bangkok so this is just advice for those of you that are thinking about traveling there and uh and you haven't yet but when you get to Bangkok uh you're going to be very excited all right you'll probably go [Laughter] to excuse me I don't know how I can continue but uh when you get to bank you're going to be excited all right uh you're going to go to a drinking District lik

e Coan Road or something and uh what's going to happen is people are going to offer you balloons all right and in our culture that sounds very innocent who doesn't love a balloon in Canada right um so I I bought one immediately and I thought I'd walk around bangcock and just show people like hey Ballo woo yeah so I was walking away with my purchase and the man that sold it to me was like whoa whoa whoa whoo no inhale in lung in inside and I was like okay I guess this is Bangkok and I took whatev

er gas was in that balloon and inhaled it all into my lungs okay and then I blacked out for 6 hours uh I have no idea what happened all right but when I came to uh I was missing my wallet my phone and my passport all right all my pockets were empty I was in bad trouble for the first time in my life I needed the Canadian embassy all right now I was walking towards the embassy and as messed up as I was I had the wherewithal to think how am I going to prove I'm a Canadian I got no identification ho

w does this work you know and I got there and I press the buzzer at the gate and uh I'll be honest with you guys I Canadian up my voice a lot in that moment okay just to prove I was part of the club you know went back to my farming Roots they're like how can we help you and I was like oh [ __ ] bud how's she going bit of a brute situation out here pal uh kind of lost all my [ __ ] and uh well I think I need to crash at your house so [Applause] uh why don't you fire that gate open Pal and uh uh P

eter Mansbridge Wayne Gretzky and it worked they opened the gate I thought I was in right home free but then I met the second wizard everybody all right the second wizard was very serious very Stern wizard he was wearing a business suit all right he was uh and he asked me young man did you take photographs of your identification that's what you're supposed to do when you travel internationally in case you arrive in a situation you find yourself in tonight and uh like you guys I'm like no no one

does that I did not do that uh and he said okay well you need a garant tour from Canada that takes a long time we realize you're in trouble tonight we're going to try to help you out what we're going to do to prove you're Canadian we're going to ask you a series of questions similar to what you might find on a citizenship exam [Music] okay I love as a crowd you guys have all decided Well this guy's [ __ ] okay I did not react like that okay I had drunk confidence and I am a citizen of this count

ry okay I've been to high school I'm like I'm going to Breeze through this right in fact I wasn't even taking it seriously the first question he asked me is like uh the province of Alberta what is its number one export and I was like douchebags and that pissed him off okay he was like you take this seriously I'm like oh yeah I'm a comedian I was born in Alberta relax I'm joking around all right he said serious now and I was like okay serious then he threw me an easy one he said uh who was Canada

's first everever prime minister now I know that information we all do that's Sir John A McDonald's right but he just yelled at me I don't like getting yelled at I was nervous I had Alberta on my mind so I was fumbling through and I was like McDonald McDonald uh L Lanny Lanny McDonald and that was it he was like listen I believe you're a Canadian but you were highly intoxicated you go sober up you come back in the morning I'll help you out all right I got bounced out of my own Embassy all right

so now I'm walking around Bangkok I'm scared to death I don't know where I'm going to sleep and uh and I passed by the American Embassy and uh I was like well might as well give these [ __ ] a try you know uh I got the same accent right so I Buzz the gate and they're like how can we help you and I was like I'm an American who that who D who that who that who that I need a Bible and a gun immediately yeah and they're like oh yeah if you're an American answer me this what is five time two I was li

ke seven and they're like welcome to America I love you Colona thank you so much I hope you enjoyed it we'll see you again you're the best good night everybody a