people pleasers are not the problem...

all right good morning so we need to stop victim  blaming people Pleasers we need to stop victim BL blaming people Pleasers so I've been running  errands today but I wanted to record this thought while it was still fresh on my mind um we have  talked about people pleasing a lot right and in one of my I guess more recent videos we talk  about people pleasing and how it's manipulative and sure right and fine but we got to talk about  why we are people pleasing right we live in a culture where we w

here we victim blame everybody  we victim blame everybody for having a reaction to being harmed to being left out to being abandoned  and we never talk about the real issue right so a lot of people Pleasers people will say like oh  I don't trust people Pleasers because you know they're not trustworthy they're going to tell  me anything that that I want to hear um they're manipulative they're trying to get something from  you right but like it's not malicious right A lot of these people have been

people pleasing their  whole lives as a coping mechanism and a survival strategy right they're they've been in houses  and homes in Friendship circles at jobs right where they've had to perform where they've  had to perform to be approved of to be loved to be taken care of right um because people with  would withhold love and care and affection and attention and kindness because you're not going  along with somebody else's program right so when you're operating like that when you grow up like 

that that does something to you right you start to equate people pleasing with survival you like  I need to be people need to think well of me for me to be loved and for me to love myself right so  I'm tired of people victim blaming people Pleasers I'm tired of it I'm just I'm just over it I'm  over trying to trying to saddle the weight of responsibility with the people who are surviving  that's not it's not right it's not right and it is so lazy to me because if we would just go a little  bit d

eeper right a little bit deeper we will find people who are manipulative we will find people  who are um manipulating people to actually get what they want from the people pleaser the people  pleaser is being manipulated and because they've been manipulated So Long by people who love them  or say that they love them or people who withhold a check from them whatever it is right they it's  almost like their their whole reality is wared and I'm speaking I'm speaking as my I'm speaking for  myself a

s a recovering people pleaser um there's been a lot of guilt that I have been sitting with  like oh you know you're a people pleaser so you don't deserve X Y andz or you're a people pleaser  you need to fix this right and it's like what I need is kindness what I need is soft what I need  is or softness what I need is like understanding what I need is patience what I need is time what  I need is kindness to myself because that self that was people pleasing was surviving that part  of me that was

people pleasing was surviving and sure surviving for food Water Shelter but also  again to not be ostracized to not be harmed like let's stop pretending let's stop pretending that  people pleasing um is somehow inherently evil it's not people pleasing people people being people  Pleasers is a direct reaction or um again tactic what am I trying to say response people pleasing  is a direct response to people being harmed so in order for me to avoid being harmed let me go along  with what you're sa

ying let me do what you want me to do even if I don't feel like doing it another  thing I was watching um uh Fab socialism um her channel is dope please check her out she's dope um  but she mentioned uh people pleasing right in this in one of her past lives and she was talking about  how um a lot of people people please for kindness and compassion and empathy and same right like a  lot of sometimes I do people please for survival and like oh yeah I do want these people to like  me I don't want t

o be left out but a lot of the reason why I people please is because I care it's  because I care about people I want to see people do well and I need to relearn limits right like I  need to relearn like what my limit is and things like that but honestly and and genuinely I want  to see people do well I want people to be well right and so if I have the means the energy the  time the capacity to do something I'm probably going to do it right but the problem is that I  would reach beyond my capacit

y I would do way more than I had the energy to or the finances for  the resources for right so that's when it became problematic but nothing is wrong with you caring  nothing is wrong with you caring for and about people and the the reason why people Pleasers are  people Pleasers is because people take and people don't know enough and people take advantage that's  why people Pleasers are people Pleasers because people take advantage of them does that make sense  so it's not that the people pleas

er the person me right I'm using myself as an example it's not  that the people pleas are is wrong right it's that we live in a world that is malicious we  live in in a world that is unkind we live in a world that doesn't care what the impact is of you  being overworked I mean again this whole country was founded on Stolen labor stolen resources  stolen bodies right stolen energy and so a lot of us have not unlearned that a lot of us have not  unlearned exploitation and so a lot of people are be

ing exploited when they have good Hearts they're  being exploited and then being told that they're the problem that they're somehow insecure or um  I don't know childish or manipulative right and it's like no I just want to do well I just want to  do good for people I just want to be do good for people who won't exploit me because let's be real  a lot of the stuff that we do the kind things that we do for people is inherently beautiful it's  wonderful again the problem becomes a problem when peo

ple exploit and people don't replenish and  people are are um people are not uh reciprocating what they've been given that's the issue the  issue is not the kind person the issue is not the person who was surviving right the issue is  not the person who is working through their trauma or working through that pain of rejection and  abandonment and abuse right you know starvation like let's be real let's talk about the things  people pleasing is not the issue the issue is exploitation the issue is

people overworking and  I'm just tired of living in a in a culture where the person who was harmed and pointed at and told  that they're wrong is the person who wants to do good for people because then not only are they  working through the exploitation the harm the trauma of people in their past who have exploited  them now they're being told that they should feel guilty for caring they should feel guilty for  doing what is good right and then you have people and then the exact opposite of tha

t right I'm not  going to do nothing for nobody ever again forget it it's just me I'm not worried about nobody else  you get harmful reactions from an overcorrection it's like instead of worrying about the people  pleaser let's create a world that is safe for people who want to it's something in inherently  wrong with wanting to please people and I'm not talking about auditioning for them or making them  our guides right but it's something inherently wrong with wanting to please people is it it'

s  something inherently wrong with wanting to do well by people is something inherently Wrong by  wanting to give to people no that's a beautiful thing it becomes dangerous when the person  receiving right Knows No Limits doesn't have enough doesn't know when to stop right and it's  dangerous when the person who wants to please and be kind doesn't have boundaries and for myself  like I'm learning boundaries as an adult because I do ideally right because I'm an idealist ideally  I want to live in

a world where people are not exploited because if I could do things for free  I would if I can do things if I can give right um knowing that I would be replenished I would the  problem is people don't give people don't people don't replenish people don't want to pay people  don't want to give you know they want you to give to them but they don't want to give themselves you  know what I'm saying that's the problem that's the problem there's nothing um uh what is the word  I want to say there's n

othing malicious about wanting to care for somebody this is for my people  pleases out there okay it is not your fault that you live in a trash world it is not your fault  that people have used and abused your kindness and have saddled you with the weight that somehow  your kind your kindness makes you immature somehow or underdeveloped or um I don't know the bad guy I  don't have the words this morning I'm just kind of going with it right like I there's nothing wrong  with you there's nothing w

rong with you how you're reacting makes sense you wanting to please people  makes sense and I don't know if we're telling people Pleasers this enough I think automatically  we're trying to fix it stop being a people pleaser stop caring so much stop stop feeling so much  as an empath as some I don't even like labels but I'm empathetic I know that I am empathetic as  a person who feels a lot like I want to help when I see a problem I feel like I'm going to cry but  I want to help when I see a prob

lem I want to fix it and I don't think there's anything inherently  wrong with it and I'm I'm tired of being told that I'm the problem because I want to fix a problem  when those people who are telling me that it's a problem not putting anything in the pot putting  no skin in the game to fix this said problem you see what I'm saying and so instead of dealing  with the people who are exploiting people who are overworking people underpaying people doing  whatever it is abusing people right instead

of dealing with the problem we like to deal with  the victim because it's easy it's easy to fix a victim right it's easy to put someone as a victim  and make them do what you want to do because you know that they're easy to manipulate because  they care you know like it's wild you know that the people pleaser wants to care for people and  loves people so much they're willing to even fold themselves in half and into pretzels to make other  people be well right but y'all won't talk to the people

who was who are exploiting you won't talk  to the person who's doing too much who knows no reciprocity who doesn't even know doesn't know  what that means right the person who's walking through the world selfishly taking anything they  can hoarding everything that they can right and maybe that is a maybe that's a trauma response too  right but that's still harmful it's still harmful what is harmful about a person caring for people  what's harmful and I'm not talking about people who will being m

anipulative and being a people  pleaser to me are two totally different things because as a manipulator you're doing what you  can to make them do what you want them to do right people pleasing is like I don't want to let you  down I'm afraid of disappointing you I don't want to hurt your feelings right I don't want to see  you go without it's a caring feeling it's a very different feeling it's you caring about the person  and I think I'm just getting into this place I'm just like all these I do

n't know a lot of these  people who are you know the people who study the stuff the people who do the research I'm just not  sorry there's a card that pulled up behind me but I'm just not like going along with what they say  just because they got letters behind their name or just because they are a therapist or just because  they wrote books on it it's like there's something in my soul that knows that that is Insidious  somehow that making the people pleased that the problem is a pro is is the p

roblem is a problem  not maybe not the problem but is a problem you know it's it's not going where we really need to  go we leave we live in an exploited in in in in a world that exploits stuttering excuse me we live  in a world that EXP we live in a world that knows No Boundaries we live in a world that literally  takes the resources of the earth doesn't replenish the Earth at all right and we belong to the Earth  we are nature so why wouldn't we be subject to that same horrible treatment right

again the issue  is not the people pleaser the issue has never been the people pleaser the issue has been people who  are greedy manipulative abusive right that is the problem now I understand giving people Pleasers  or people who struggle with people pleasing and I don't even want to say people who care I  understand giving people who care boundaries letting them know that not everybody has their  best interest at heart I understand that that makes sense to me yes keep the baby safe as in the 

people keep the people safe right but don't leave the work with them that somehow they they are  the problem because you cause more damage than good you do more harm than good by telling someone  who struggles with people pleaseing yeah it's an issue for them you can't make a person who cares  not care it's hard you know what I've tried you can't make a person who cares deeply not care it's  a part of their makeup I was fashioned and formed and created to care I care I care deeply if it's  a if

it's a competition about who is apathetic or who was the most aloof I will lose every time  cuz girl I care I care about everything and um the problem is that a lot of people don't and so when  you when you are Mitch matched right right with a person who cares if you're a person who cares  match with a person in relationships whether that be platonic or romantic um a job right whatever  it is if you're if you're attached to a person who takes if you're attached to a person who  doesn't care you

will be harmed you probably will be taken advantage of right but that problem  still is not your problem you just need to find the right people you got to find the right people  we got to learn to say no and not no because we don't care no because it's not about you I don't  care about you I don't love you no because I don't want to be harmed by you by your inability to  reciprocate or to know enough or to care about me I hope that makes sense again this is like a  fleeting thought I'll probabl

y expound on it later but to the people pleases out there I love you I  see you you are not the problem you never were the problem you were surviving you were caring you  were loving you were giving right expecting and it's not the intim me like people say like don't  don't expect anything in return I I reject that when you do things for people you don't do it for  a return per se right but you do what expecting that the person you're doing it for actually cares  you're doing it with the expecta

tion that it makes a difference you're doing it with the expectation  that hopefully this adds something beneficial to this problem or whatever you're doing whatever  you're giving right you're doing it with that in mind with the other person in mind right  there's nothing wrong with caring and I think we're living in a world that is teaching us to  become uncaring as a result of dealing with people who are uncaring that is not the answer Darkness  the the answer to Darkness is not more Darkness

right who's talking the answer to Darkness is not  more Darkness you know we just got to find places where we can shine brightly safely you know what  I'm saying and sometimes the people that we want to care for and we want to do well for them them  ain't our people right now and we can love them from afar we can set boundaries limits you feel  me to make sure that we are well so that we can do the work that we were put here to do that burning  desire you have in your heart to to help people an

d love people that is beautiful there's nothing  wrong with that I am so sorry the world taught us that we are the problem we are the Beauties we are  the love we are the joy we are the ones that get the thing moving the people who are empathetic  the people who care we're the ones that start the foundations we're the ones that start the  nonprofits we're the ones that start the channels we're the ones that start the schools we're the  ones the caring people the serving people the people with a

servant's heart and not that you  are a servant right but that you want to do well by people because you care I think we do ourselves  a disservice by disqualifying discounting people who care and people who want to people please  because honestly that that plays right in and I'm all over the place but that plays right into the  mind of this idea of white supremacy which we know is fall shout out to Erica daero and um confidence  with love uh for bringing that about like it's the illusion of whi

te supremacy right that makes us  believe that if we are serving if we are caring for if we are loving on people then somehow we we  are less than because the people who have been the servers the help right we're seen as less than  we're seen as less than we're seen as animals we're seen as servants prisoners slaves right we  just don't want to be enslaved you we just don't want to be enslaved I'm like all over the place I  need to journal because I have a lot of thoughts about a lot of things b

ut it all makes sense right  we shame people for caring and for serving because we want to get as far away from that as possible  because that's the place that our ancestors were without a choice without a choice in serving but  also in how they wanted to serve other people and how they wanted to show up in the world the truth  is we don't have to live like that anymore and yes I I do think we need to figure out um better  coping mechanisms and uh strategies to better love people right but you h

aving that want to care  and love people there's nothing wrong with that that you surviving you making it through by people  pleasing because everybody don't let's everybody don't have the privilege to tell people no it's  sad when you say when I say that it makes me want to cry but everybody don't have the privilege to  say no it could cost them their life so for us to then further shame them and tell them that they're  the problem that they're weak that something is wrong with their fortitude

is heartbreaking to  me it is damaging it is uh malicious even if unintentional it is malicious it is malicious um  and I think for me like I'm just kind of breaking through that wall because that really had me bound  like what's wrong with me why can't I get it right and I really Alicia there's nothing wrong with you  you just love people you care you want to do well by people and there's nothing wrong with that you  just live in a world that is turned upside down where good is bad and bad is g

ood where we where  we praise people for being selfish and being a self-made millionaire even though we we all know  that they exploited people to the top we live in an upside down world and my soul cannot reckon  with that and that is why it constantly feels at war with itself like it like I want to love the  people I want to show up free and be all of myself I want to give away the things right but I live  in a nation where I need money to survive because of capitalism and exploitation I need

to protect  myself against people who don't mean me well even though I show up in the world wanting well for  everybody everybody ain't safe but I'm not the problem you know what I'm saying I'm trying to  fix the problem and you blaming me for trying to fix the problem that don't make no sense anyway my  heart is for you I hope what I said makes sense I hope it is uh uh intelligible um yeah I don't know  I'm trying I'm trying to I'm trying to convey what I'm trying to say um but I had to record

this  I had to let my passion speak people Pleasers unite I love you I see you I am you right and  there's not there has never been anything wrong with with you you are brave you are smart you are  intelligent you are caring you are kind you are generous and I'm sorry that you live in a selfish  cold world that doesn't value you doesn't value kindness right that values exploitation or the  dollar from exploitation above everything else you were never the problem you were never the problem  you w

ere never the problem you are sacred you are sacred you are enough and we need this light we  need that light that you have that joy that care that love the energy we need that in the world  we just got to find safe places to share it so this is my first thought I probably have thoughts  later as I chew on it and marinate on it um but that's enough for now that's enough for now but  that's just kind of where I am right now um I've got the people pleasing thing all wrong and I love  that I can co

me back and be like you know what I changed my mind about that actually I disagree  with everything I said you know like um I love it here and I love you and I hope that you're  loving yourself and seeing yourself as enough because you always were okay so I'll talk to you  later all right bye all right one more thing I want to say before I get up out of here right  I was rewatching the video I just recorded and I wanted to add something another thought to this  we we have a lot of grief for peop

le Pleasers we say a lot of things for people Pleasers but  we never ask ourselves you know what if the people Pleasers is overdoing and over stretching  the people Pleasers is usually doing it because because they care right and it has to get done who  going to do it have you offered help to the people please a lot of people people pleaser like a lot  of people Pleasers get a lot of flack for caring right for doing too much but the problem I think  is that the world is not doing enough and so t

he people who care are often burdened with feeling  like they have to do way more because other people are not doing it somebody has to do it I can't sit  around and watch people starve to death I can't sit around and watch somebody be like bludgeoned  I cannot sit around and watch someone be harmed or left out so I will do something to try to fix it  but like to the people who have all the criticism are you doing anything to help seriously when  we want oh you care too much you're doing too muc

h have you have you have you helped them have  you helped replenish them maybe maybe their one of their uh passions is serving people have you  helped them be able to serve people better have you stepped in where they are over overreaching if  you see your friend doing too much do you if you have the capacity do you ever say to yourself hey  let me help you with that I know you really want to feed these people I can fix the meal I can pay  for the meal let me help pay for the groceries at least

let me take you to the store right let me  help you run this errand let me take something off of your plate right like the problem is  not the good thing that wants to get done is that there are lack of hands there are a lack of  willing people a lack of willing vessels sounds so churchy but it's true a lack of people willing  to do the things and so we get guilted into maybe this's a thought for later but we get guilted into  doing all the stuff because no one's doing enough but if everybody wa

s doing their part we probably  would have less people pleasing what what we call people pleasing like overextending overdoing right  um so yeah us not helping is actually contributing to the problem I really believe that us not  helping other people is contributing to the people pleasing problem is contributing to people being  exploited and overworked right we see a person and obviously like to our own ability we should  all I feel like this what my belief when people say like I don't owe you

nothing I feel like  we owe each other everything we owe each other everything that's my own and I'll talk more about  that but I feel like I owe everyone everything and it's not necessarily I'm going to give myself  unto death but it's like okay I you deserve a a healthy place to live so let me not litter you  deserve a kind you know kindness let me smile at you you know what I'm saying like until someone  has proven to me that they are horrible people or they harm me or whatever why not and so

I think  when I think of that this Global like owing that we have each other right because we're on this  Earth together we live here together we are in a house together right and since we are together  we do owe people things this individualistic thing is very Western and it's very harmful  it's very harmful right we don't want to say nothing we don't want to do nothing we don't  want to uh you know rock the boat like no it's because we're scared it's because we're selfish  is because we've be

en programmed to think only of ourselves or only of our family or our spouses  or our children right we don't see each other as kin but we are all kin we are all connected  we are all connected so more on that later but that's because I see myself going into a whole  different rant but um yes a lot of the reasons why people Pleasers please is because there is  a lack of hands and people who are willing to do what they're wanting to do and they don't want  to see people suffer again more thoughts

later