People Pleasing: Keep It From Making You Miserable

hey there everybody and welcome  to this episode on people pleasing how to keep it from making you miserable  i'm your host dr dawn elise snipes in this episode we're going to  define people pleasing identify signs that you might be a people  pleaser explore what causes it and the impacts and finally review  nine strategies to begin addressing it so let's start at the beginning what is people  pleasing sometimes it's called codependency or insecure attachment because when people engage  in habit

ual people pleasing it can be at their own expense and it actually causes more problems  causes more harm than good people-pleasing often looks like doing things to please other people at  the expense of taking care of yourself now i want to be clear that once in a while doing something  at the expense of taking care of yourself is not a bad thing you know if you've got a  small child at home you probably do that a lot but it's also important to take time out to rest  and recharge so you don't g

et totally depleted people pleasers never take that time out  they just get totally depleted and then they start feeling angry and resentful and depressed  people pleasing often revolves around believing it's your responsibility to make other people  happy instead of allowing them the ability to focus on their own emotions and instead  of allowing them to be responsible for their own emotions you feel like it's your  responsibility to fix them and everything else signs of people pleasing well th

ere's a lot  of different signs but some of the big ones you can it feels inconsistent sometimes you  feel lovable and you think that oh i'm such a nice person because i do this for everybody and  sometimes you feel resentful because you're such a nice person and you do this for everybody  and they don't do back for you or at least not in the way that you expect them to so  there's a certain amount of manipulation in there people pleasers are also sometimes  very mindful of what's going on in th

eir life and they're putting one foot in front  of the other but sometimes they're on autopilot they are just habitually jumping  in and saying yes i'll help you with this yes let me do this how can i help you instead  of stopping and being mindful and saying do i have the time the energy and the resources to  do this before i say yes or before i offer to help people pleasers are often unresponsive to  their own needs and they find relationships are unsatisfying because they're constantly giving

  they feel like they're obligated to constantly give they're not giving to themself so not only  are they getting depleted but they are also giving and giving and giving and expecting in return  and often not getting it back so relationships for people-pleasers are often more transactional  than emotional so these relationships can be very unsatisfying people-pleasers often also find  relationships unsatisfying because they are inauthentic they don't tell other people what  their thoughts needs

and wants are they are human chameleons they will be whatever they  think the other person wants them to be which means they are not getting their needs  met all they are doing is constantly you know changing shapes so to speak people pleasers often  have a very unclear identity and low self-esteem because they're constantly being a human chameleon  they don't really know what they like or what they want or what they need and so they can't love  themselves because they don't know who they are t

hey need approval from other people well if you  don't know who you are you don't know what your skills are then it's hard to approve or disapprove  of yourself but people pleasers are taken another step further and because their self-esteem is so  low and often because of prior trauma they need approval from others they need somebody else to  tell them you know what you're lovable you're okay people pleasers often apologize for things  that they don't need to apologize for they apologize becaus

e you know the dog was  barking too loud they apologized for just about everything trying to keep everybody else  calm and once we start talking about what causes it you'll start understanding why apologizing  may be a key characteristic of people pleasers and people-pleasers often have abandonment fears  they engage in people-pleasing because they need to feel good about themselves they need  to feel like you know if i do these things then i am lovable and if i am lovable  then people maybe peo

ple won't leave me people pleasers often feel guilty or scared  setting and maintaining boundaries if they say you know what i don't have the  energy to help you move this weekend they feel terrified that somebody's going  to reject them and it's really important for everybody not just people pleasers to remember  to separate behaviors from people you know i can't help you move i want to you know that the  me that wants to be a good caring helpful person i want to but i don't have the energy i c

an't do  that behavior right now boundaries are often very loose or absent in dysfunctional families and  it was often probably not safe to set boundaries growing up so people pleasers often have never  learned how to set and maintain those boundaries or look or learn that it's okay to and people  pleasers often get taken advantage of you probably have a friend or maybe you are a people pleaser  and you can see when others take advantage because you know it seems so obvious but the person  who's

the people people pleaser has difficulty stopping you know they may recognize they're  taking it being taken advantage of but they so desperately need that connection or they so  desperately fear rejection that they do it anyway what causes it well let's talk about why  do people engage in nice behaviors anyway when people benefit from a behavior they're  likely to repeat it so this isn't people pleasing this is just being nice if i offer to  help you if i do something nice if i agree to help y

ou out you know that's pleasing to you but  i'm not necessarily doing it at my own expense so if i do it you know i offer to help you move and  then when i move you offer to help me or you offer to you know reciprocate in some way that's a give  and take and so there's a reinforcement there or even if i offer to help you and the only thing you  give back in return is gratitude you know that can be very rewarding for people in healthy situations  this behavior stops when it's no longer rewarding

when the relationship starts being mainly one way  when it starts being a drain constantly then the person often in a healthy relationship will kind  of put on the brakes and go you know what this this is a very lopsided relationship relationships  want to average 50 50. you know sometimes it's going to be 90 10 when somebody's in crisis  but then you hope that the balance swings back when you're in crisis they are there for you so  it averages out over time to be sort of 50 50. what are motivat

ions for people pleasing  well physical motivations some people may have learned to be people pleasers to stay  safe it's important to keep everybody calm as long as other people don't get upset then i  am physically safe then i will get my needs met as long as other people are calm as long as  i'm people pleasing and keeping everything status quo then there won't be yelling all  night long so i can get some sleep as long as i keep everybody else calm then i get to stay  in my house and my my ca

regivers won't go to jail and i'll go into foster care or whatever it is so  there are a lot of physical motivations for people to be people pleasers children it's important to  remember that a lot of people learn to be people pleasers as children and children think very  dichotomously and egocentrically they think that whatever happens revolves around  them so if caregiver is mad depressed overwhelmed it must be their fault  it must be their responsibility to fix it children just have that's th

e way  they're wired they don't learn the art of helping people take care of themselves  or letting people take care of themselves until they get older so as children um if  they were in an environment where caregiver had a mental illness that was uncontrolled where  caregiver was abusing alcohol or other drugs where there was domestic violence whatever the case may  be if there was a toxic environment that the child grew up in then it may have been important they  may have thought if i can keep

everybody calm then my caregivers won't fight or my caregivers  won't drink or use or whatever but if i don't keep everything calm then everything's going to  go to hell and that's terrifying affectively some people engage in people pleasing ostensibly to be  happy and yes if if their efforts are recognized and valued then it may make them feel happy in  the short term but it also can be exhausting a lot of times though their efforts are not  recognized to the extent that they feel they deserve

so instead of being happy they end  up feeling angry and resentful cognitively people engage in people people-pleasing because  somewhere along the way they were taught they were supposed to you're supposed to make everybody else  happy and that is one of the worst messages that we teach people and i wish we could quit teaching  it because everybody is responsible for their own feelings for their own thoughts for  their own welfare now you know it's different if we're talking about a five-year-

old  but if we're talking about an adult or even an adolescent it is important to allow  them to be responsible for their own feelings to support them when you can but remember that if  you give to the point you're depleted then you're not going to have anything else to give and you're  actually going to end up being draining on other people and most of us don't want to flip the  script where we are the ones that are requiring a lot of input from others so cognitively  we've got to be a little b

it more objective yes we are supposed to be nice to other people  that's true but we need to be able to take care of ourselves first once we get our needs met  once we are recharged once we are healthy then we can go out and give and i've used the analogy  before of video games when you are in video games and something happens to your character you start  use losing life energy so to speak and you can get down to this critical point well in the video game  you don't keep playing because you don'

t want your character to get killed what do you do you help  your character recharge well why in the world don't you do that in real life there is nothing  wrong with being helpful when you are charged but if you allow yourself to be completely depleted of  your life energy then the game's going to be over relationally a lot of people who are people  pleasers are seeking what we call external validation they are looking for somebody else to  tell them they're okay because they can't look in the

mirror and go i'm okay so they're seeking  that external validation they need other people to tell them that they are worthwhile and they are  terrified of abandonment so they figure well if i do these things if i engage in people  pleasing then you won't leave me some people their motivation is because they want to be loved  they need that external validation and they want they need somebody to love them and some of that  comes from them not being able to love themself and and so they need othe

r people to love them  but we all want to be loved by others so there's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved but  if the only way you feel you can be loved is for the things that you do is because you've done  something for somebody that makes you lovable then you may not need to step back and  take a look and remember to separate behaviors from people people are lovable because  they're people now they may do really nice behaviors and you may love the behaviors too but  you can also dislike b

ehaviors and love people so re-examining how you conceptualize uh healthy  relationships and love may be something that that is important in order to stop people pleasing  some people engage in people-pleasing to have others be grateful or attentive the only way  they feel like they can get attention is if they do nice things for other people then hey  somebody will notice me and it's important here a lot of times when people feel like they just  disappear if they're not actively people pleasing

they may have not actually connected with  other people they may not be communicating assertively telling people what they need and  assuming that others are constantly going to be being attentive but it's important to tell  people and even to you know do things yourself call somebody up don't just wait for them to call  you call them up and say hey let's go to a movie some people engage in people  pleasing to manipulate others into doing stuff for them they feel like well if i  do things for y

ou then when it's time you will do the same thing for me so if i help you move then  when it's time for me to move you're gonna do it and then when it comes around time for for me  to move and you don't help me i i get resentful and in terms of codependency sometimes people  engage in people pleasing to make themselves indispensable if i do all these things for  you if i make you happy now hear that if i make you feel a certain way which is not  allowing somebody to have their own emotions it's

me trying to manipulate your emotions if  i make you feel happy if i make you feel safe then i'm indispensable and as long as i'm the one  who makes you feel that way you won't abandon me think about these things and  explore if you're a people pleaser what are your motivations for people pleasing the impacts of people pleasing physically lack  of sleep a lot of people pleasers forgo sleep in order to help everybody else out and then they  got to get their own laundry and everything else done ph

ysical stress just running on empty all  the time is exhausting when you are not getting enough sleep and you're under physical stress  it promotes uh inflammation so you're going to have increased pain affectively or emotionally  and cognitively a lot of people who are people pleasers become resentful of others it's like i do  and do and do and nobody does for me but they're not a lot of times they're not even asking others  they're just expecting other people to reciprocate they feel guilty fo

r not being able to please  everyone all the time now there's a whole host of cognitive distortions in there nobody and i know  that's an extreme word but i'm going to use it nobody can please everybody all the time  that's just unreasonable so examining what you feel guilty for and looking at the facts and  of the situation what aspects you actually were able to control and whether guilt and holding  on to this guilt is a reasonable outcome or if there is something that you can do to work  thro

ugh that guilt and let it go a lot of people who are people pleasers are drowning  in guilt if they have to say no it's just unbelievably difficult for them so learning how to  say no and to accept no are two really important tasks for stopping people pleasing a lot of  people who engage in people pleasing have a loss of personal purpose they don't know what  their mission is because they're so busy trying to fix and tend to everybody else  they lose touch with themselves a lot of people who are

people pleasers engage in  cultural conformity they want to not make anybody unhappy or anybody angry so they join up with  what they perceive to be the majority opinion and whether they agree with it or not they don't even  bother to check a lot of times it's just like well the majority says this or this is what my family  believes therefore this is what i must believe and and so a lot of times they're inauthentic with  themselves many people who are people pleasers are over responsible and i

mentioned this several  times already feeling responsible for controlling other people's experience feeling responsible for  making sure that everybody else is always happy as a mother that was one of the hardest things i had  to deal with when my children would get unhappy not fixing it for them and i know that sounds  horrible when you first hear it but then when you think about it it makes sense it's important to  help them figure out how to fix it for themselves i can sit with them i can emp

athize i can you  know be responsive and do all those you know things that you do in a secure relationship but  it's important not to take away somebody's pain before they're ready it's important to let  them give away their pain it's important for them to be able to say okay this  feeling i'm done feeling it for right now environmentally there's often a lot of tension when somebody's a people pleaser because they  are hyper vigilant to what everybody else needs so that can be stressful and then

when  other people don't behave the way they want they get resentful so then they're hyper  vigilant and resentful all at the same time relationally people pleasers often stay  in dysfunctional relationships they create situations where they're indispensable where  they have to be people-pleasing all the time to keep the relationship going and that's that 90-10  relationship that just never seems to balance out and they may have reduced self-esteem  believing that other people's unhappiness are

their responsibility people  pleasers have a really difficult time accepting that sometimes people are unhappy  and it has nothing to do with them and there's nothing they can do about it how do you address  it physically i know this sounds um kind of often left field but get enough sleep it is easier to  deal with life on life's terms when you are rested when you get enough sleep your body can rebalance  and retune that keeps those neurotransmitters in balance and helps you have the the energy

  and the focus and everything that you need in order to start setting those boundaries  and being more interpersonally effective breathing and i don't just mean your average  breathing i mean practicing deep breathing and the slow inhale for four hold for four exhale for four  that triggers the relaxation response so when you start feeling anxious or part of you wants to  answer before you think about something if you breathe slowly if when somebody asks you to do  something you force yourself

to take one or two slow breaths before you answer so you can get into  your wise mind and you can think do i have it in me right now that will help you a lot and pain  management i know that again sounds kind of weird but when you're in pain you're not going to sleep  as well and you're going to tend to feel more irritable and unhappy and depressed and a lot of  times when people pleasers feel unhappy they think the best medication is to please other people  and so they start in this downward sp

iral where they're just constantly draining their energy  cognitively work on developing your distress tolerance skills there is a video on that on  the youtube channel youtube.com doc snipes the distress tolerance skills remember  are tags thoughts that are empowering and loving activities that bring you happiness  or at least help distract you for a minute until you can get into your wise mind guided  imagery that can help you go to a safe place or that helps you envision successfully completi

ng  a task like saying no to somebody and sensations smells sights sounds again that can help you get  into your wise mind distress tolerance skills are simply there to help you tolerate the  unpleasant emotion get into until you can get into your wise mind and figure out okay now what  do i do about it address all or nothing thinking personalization catastrophizing and  mind reading all of these contribute to people's desire to people please and there are  videos on negative thinking styles on

the youtube channel that address all of these examine how  people pleasing has protected you in the past and whether it is still protecting you in the  present or if it's actually causing you more harm explore the relationships that taught you  to people please you know how did you learn this behavior was that a healthy relationship  what did you learn from it and is it something that you really still want to hold on to or was  what you learned really unhealthy and unhelpful process your traumas

who taught you that you  must people please to be loved and accepted are there any factors perspectives of  things that you might not have considered you know maybe the person who  was teaching you to people please was a people pleaser themself so they didn't  know how to teach you to do anything else how did the experience shape your beliefs about  your ability to be loved to love and trust others what can you do to feel empowered and safe  to be authentic and to take care of yourself and how

is the need to people please influencing  your health mood attitude and relationships today relationally develop security  in your relationships be consistent with yourself be  regularly mindful of what your needs are respond to your needs so you can be effective  when needed when it when people do need you to help and you decide yeah you know what i can pull  it together to help this person it's worth it to expend my energy on this covey  refers to it as sharpening the saw authenticity enhance

your self-esteem and your  self-awareness and start becoming honest with yourself so you know what you can do and what  you actually have the ability to do so you're creating an environment that is nurturing to  yourself so you are keeping your life energy high validation don't blame or judge yourself for  what's going on just look at what happened and if necessary learn from it encouragement recognize  your strengths and pra practice tragic optimism recognizing that everything is not always goi

ng  to be great but having hope that it'll get better and safety when you're trying to stop people  pleasing respond don't react i call it beta testing breathe remember i said take a  couple breaths get into your wise mind evaluate what's being asked think about  your options and then act tentatively so if you decide yes you know maybe i'll try to  help this person out act tentatively and if you get into it and figure out that no this is too  much that's okay figure out how you can step out set

and maintain boundaries  and develop a support system you can learn more about boundaries and negative  thinking styles at youtube.com slash doc snipes abuse neglect or unavailability of significant  others can be traumatic whether it's when you're a child or an adult responding to that trauma  often teaches people that people-pleasing and inauthentic in authenticity  are the only ways to stay safe people-pleasing has a negative impact on  everybody's health addressing people-pleasing begins wit

h becoming mindful of your needs  exploring whether people-pleasing is in your best interest exploring what a healthy  relationship would look like for you developing your self-esteem and learning how  to set and maintain boundaries so you can be consistent responsive attentive validating  encouraging and safe in your relationships this show was produced by hype  media group technical producer mr charles snipes and presented by dr donnelly snipes