Raging Lois (Family Guy - Funny Scenes)

PETER (ON BULLHORN) : GATHER 'ROUND, EVERYBODY. TEN BUCKS IS ALL IT TAKES. STEP RIGHT UP AND FIGHT MY WIFE. (GASPS) COME ONE, COME ALL. SHE FLOATS LIKE A BUTTERFLY AND STINGS LIKE WHEN I PEE. PETER, I AM NOT SIDESHOW ATTRACTION AT LEAST NOT ANYMORE. ME LIKEY BOUNCEY! ME LIKEY BOUNCEY! -AAAAAH! -OW! (SOBBING) STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU! STARTING NOW, YOU TWO ARE GOING TO LOVE EACH OTHER NOW, STAY THAT WAY. IT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD TO POTTY. SHEESH, LOIS, LOOK AT THE GARBAGE THOSE DAMN LEAFERS DUMPED O

N OUR LAWN. NEW YORK POST, NEW YORK MAGAZINE, THE NEW YORK METS PETER, I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING. YOU WHINE ABOUT THE LEAFERS. TAKE SOME ACTION. FREE THE BEAST! THAT WAS STRANGELY AROUSING. -OW! (GRUNTING) HELLO, 9-1-1? IT'S QUAGMIRE. YEAH YEAH, YEAH, IT'S IN A WINDOW THIS TIME. WOW, LOOK AT THE RUN. WAIT A SECOND, BRIAN. THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA. THAT DRUNKEN CLAM? WHY COULDN'T WE GO SOMEPLACE FANCY LIKE THE OLIVE GARDEN? OH, THE BREADSTICKS. ME LIKEY BREADSTICKS, ME LIKEY... YOU'RE A BIG

GIRL NOW. STOP IT. HOLD-HOLD-HOLD ON, LOIS EXCUSE ME, NEW YORKER. I THINK YOU'RE IN MY SEAT AND I HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT. PETER, ARE YOU CRAZY? WHAT DID YOU SAY? ABOUT THE SEAT OR ABOUT MY PLOWING YOUR FATHER'S WIFE ? HEY, OOH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? EXCUSE ME, IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR RUNNING? BECAUSE IF IT IS, IT PROBABLY RUNS LIKE YOU-- VERY HOMOSEXUALLY. WHAT? HOW, YOU WANT TO DANCE? JETS SUCK, YANKEES SUCK, KNICKS SUCK. KRYPTON SUCKS. ALL: HMM? (ALL SCREAMING) THAT'S RI

GHT, GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM, YOU BASTARDS. NO... PAPER... TOWELS! (SCREAMING) HEY, I WAS GOING TO PICK AT THAT. SHUT YOU FAT MOUTH! YOU ALL THINK CHRISTMAS JUST HAPPENS. YOU THINK ALL THIS GOODWILL JUST FALLS FROM THE FREAKIN' SKY! WELL, IT DOESN'T! IT FALLS OUT OF MY HOLLY BUTT! SO YOU CAN COOK YOUR OWN DAMN TURKEY WRAP YOUR OWN DAMN PRESENTS AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT YOU CAN ALL RIDE A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH TO HELL! (SCREAMING) (PANTING AND MUTTERING) OH, HERE'S THE PAPER TOWELS. I-

I-I, CHANGED MY MIND. CLARENCE, I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN. I WANT TO LIVE AGAIN WHOA! HEY! I GUESS THERE'S SOME MAGIC IN THAT OLD SILK HAT. (LOIS GROWLING) MERRY CHRISTMAS! EASY, LADY! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? (CACKLING) -AH! WHAT THE HELL ISHERPROBLEM? FROSTY, LET IT GO! JUST A SECOND, JUST A SECOND. HEY LADY, YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME? YEAH, ALL HE DID WAS WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS. WISH? IT'S EASY TO WISH BUT DOES ANYONE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND MAKE IT HAPPEN? NO! YOU ALL EXPECT SOMEONE

ELSE TO DO IT FOR YOU. LIKE SANTY CLAUS OR MOMMY! AH, AH, AH! WHAT THE...? AH, TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! MUST... KILL... STAR. IT WAS HORRIBLE, RUPERT. IT WAS LIKE A NIGHTMARE. LOIS CAME AT ME LIKE A WILD ANIMAL. I HAD NO WAY TO DEFEND MYSELF. MOTHER, I'M SORRY I WENT AGAINST YOU WISHES. (GROWLING) OW!, OW, OW! I'M SORRY I MISBEHAVED, MOTHER! I'M SORRY I MISBEHAVED! IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! (WHIMPERING) I LOVE YOU, MOMMY DEAREST! (GASPING) (GRUNTING) HEY, I'M HOME. I GOT SOME GROCERIES

. YOU WHAT? YEAH, I WAS DRIVING PAST THERE, AND WE WERE OUT OF SOME STUFF, SO I... YOU LISTEN TO ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH! I'VE GOT ONE THING IN THIS LIFETIME! ONE THING. (GROANING) YOU ALWAYS SAY I NEVER DO ANYTHING AROUND HERE. YEAH, I LIKE SAYING THAT MORE THEN I LIKE YOU DOING THINGS. DAD, I GOT THE REST FROM THE CAR. WHERE...? CHRIS, RUN! YOU WERE RIGHT! SHE DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT! -OH, CRAP! CHRIS: -OW! THAT'S RIGHT. I DO GROCERIES. LOIS; MEG! CHRIS! WHAT THE (BEEP) IS THIS? -I'VE NEV

ER SEEN IT BEFORE. -I DON'T KNOW. STEWIE, SHE'S GOT YOUR TIME MACHINE. WELL, DON'T DRAG THAT DOWN THE STAIRS OR ELSE... (LOIS GRUNTING) (T-REX ROARS) THANK GOD, EVERYTHING'S BACK TO NORMAL. (PEW-TEW) GROSS. I TELL YOU TO CLEAN YOUR ROOMS, AND THE FIRST THING YOU DO. IS PUT ALL YOUR SCIENCE PROJECTS IN STEWIE'S CLOSET? -MOM, WE DIDN'T... -STOP ARGUING AND GET RID OF IT. AND GIVE ME THOSE GLASSES. THEY'RE CLUTTERING UP YOUR FACE. -I NEED THEM TO SEE. -THEY'RE NOT BRINGING ME JOY! YOU REALI

ZE THERE ARE FOUR OF US AND ONE OF HER. -IF WE RUSHED HER ALL AT ONCE. -THAT'S NOT GONNA WORK. SHE'S CLEARLY DEVELOPED THE STRENGTH OF THE INSANE -WHAT DID YOU SAY, CHRIS? -UH, NOTHING. I'M SORRY! CHRIS, I WILL NOT HAVE YOUR COMIC STRIP ANGER CLUTTERING UP MY HOUSE. IT'S NEGATIVE, AND IT RUINS MY JOY. -GET IT OUT OF HERE! -NOW YOU'VE DONE IT. YOU'VE MADE ME 1930S WORK WHISTLE ANGRY! (STEAM WHISTLE BLOW) SHUT-UP, MEG! -WHAT? I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING -YOU JUST DID. YOU VOICE-- IT'S CLUTTERIN

G UP MY SPACE. GET OUT. -BUT... -GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! YOU KNOW, LOIS, ONE COULD ARGUE THAT YOUR BRA IS CLUTTER. NICE TRY, DIRTBAG. LEAVE. FIGURED IT WAS GONNA HAPPEN, ANYWAY. MIGHT AS WELL GO OUT ON MT TERMS.