Sarah Millican's Easter Special

[Applause] but we all gained weight in the last few years yes I uh decided want try and lose a bit of weight just the weight I gained in the lockdown that was my plan and most people when they decide to lose weight there's something that starts them off Spurs them on kind of keeps them going maybe there's a holiday photo and they don't quite like how they look in it or maybe they're sitting in a bath of gravy and it's not even for children in Need for me was when I sat on a public toilet and the

sun been opened and I hadn't asked it to did you want me no but my ass cheeks seem to disagree but I tried really hard I tried really hard and I lost two Stone that's all right is it I lost two Stone that's pretty good it's very kind of you thank you I said two Stone it was the same half a stone four different times nobody gives a [ __ ] if you tell them we've lost half a stone everybody knows it's just two big dinners and a chocolate orange and the [ __ ] back on again isn't it but I've always

had a belly even though I was much much Slimmer I've always had a belly I always get offended when people think that this is pregnant like I would ever let a pregnancy get this far no but I did a thing the January before last I think a lot of people do especially in January I downloaded a diet app now the phone I was using at the time was a thumb recognition phone it didn't immediately recognize my thumb it just kept juddering and first of all I thought my form was just really clever and it was

like it's a diet app we've clearly been stolen and then I looked at my thumb and it was just covered in biscuit so I lick the biscuit off cuz I thought maybe my last biscuit in a while and I downloaded the diet app what came with the diet app was a WhatsApp group of other participants it was Autumn to all but my group happened to be all women and it was so we could support each other and help each other everybody knows diets are hard and a bit [ __ ] also in the WhatsApp group was a nutritionis

t who was Nor fun at all a transpire what if the women in the group asked a question of the rest of us a perfectly reasonable question especially on day one of a new diet she said I'm having trouble with my Sweet Craving can anybody recommend something that isn't bad for me but will help and one of the women responded almost immediately and she I find a mug of hot water with one small drop of lemon works for me and I just thought I'm not going to make it to the end of the week my suggestion was

going to be half for Twix and the nutritionist she was called poppy of course she [ __ ] was she said can I just chip in and I misre it and I was like chips hooray num n num she said just brush your teeth that fixes everything and I thought that's so unhelpful the only thing that would help is hunger if I could eat me [ __ ] toothbrush cuz I'm so hungry right now you D cow cows there were some recipes that came with a diet I tried one of them it was how to make banana pancakes out of almost no i

ngredients first time I tried them just look like vomit in a pan second time MCH them it look a lot more like pancakes and I was so excited and a little bit laded from all of the Hunger that when I ran from the kitchen to show my husband I tripped and the plates smashed on the floor but because it was a really low point to the diet for me let's call it day two I ate them off the floor and I had to check to see if the fragments of plate and cat had also ingested counted as misss for the week one

of the women in the group got to off to off as an adult got told up for eating gorgy berries if you've never had gorgy berries it's like chewing elastic bands she got all off because gorgi berries are full of natural sugar not really allowed on this plan she wasn't having cor or pops with side p on she was having gorgy berries on her Brown flakes some sad sprinkled on some more [ __ ] s i eight years of my life without any pets the longest i' ever gone uh because of the lifestyle of my job and t

hen my husband and I realized we were finally in a position where we could definitely look after a cat and our friends C had just had kittens so we locked a date in my diary when that kitten could leave his mom and come and live with us it was locked in my diary and my agent she said but it's the Queen's Jubilee and I said but it's a kitten she Tred always to persuade me and in the end it just said look I don't care how good a tits are I'm not [ __ ] going second last one I said no to someone sh

oving a crunchy up my fanny now I don't know when you last had a crunchy you might not remember the chocolate is very thin and would have fizzled off in no time even very angular cind tofy that would have hurt and also I don't do adverts anyway was in Australia I got a phone call from the fraud department of my credit card company inquiring why I was spending quite as much on my credit card she said can I check a couple of transactions with you and I said of course you can the first one was a ca

sh point withdrawal and I had withdraw the money so that was all above board the second one she said you spent £102 in a place called haltz and I went uh um uh yeah uh yeah that's right uh it's a chocolate shop and she went £12 yeah was for presents for me cuz I was nowhere near Brad Pitcock I did get a new nickname while I was out there I've never had a nickname before I've been called things but that's different isn't it I think that's bullying my nickname is the cake pigeon CU whenever I walk

past a cake shop walk past whenever I press myself up against a cake sh I go because I talk about cakes and puddings on stads sometimes people bring cakes and puddings to shows for me which is lovely but can sometimes be a little bit weird a lady came up to me a few months ago at the end of the show she handed me a small round fruit cake and she said this is for you and I said that's lovely thank you very much what a nice thing to do and she said I'm sorry it's just that but it's all what had i

n I said if you been looking through your cupets it's not the [ __ ] Harvest Festival pet you bought a ticket you can just come to the shore which really pissed off the woman behind her who was standing with a t of [ __ ] peaches but I was get annoyed by my period my period for over 30 years I've never watched children not a moment not a flicker I'm sure a lot of you've got kids and you're having a great time with them and that's smashing for you it's not for me it's not for me at all the best w

ay I can describe how annoyed I get every time my period starts like this imagine you've got a friend at work she's called Deborah she's great Deborah's got a a touch and every month she cleans it out with fresh beding in fresh water in the water bottle fresh food in the food boat looks spotless amazing [ __ ] and span and he said to our Deborah are you ever going to get a rabbit what I've decided to do in order to help me relax is just to find things that make me happy cuz I think generally wha

tever makes you happy makes you relaxed and I thought the 35 that I knew everything that I liked but in the last 12 months I found two new things that I didn't know I liked the first one was courtesy of a nice lady on Facebook who said I understand that you like chocolate but I don't know if you know this fact that if you have a square of dairy milk and a square of Galaxy at the same time it's so good that it makes it do sex noises I mean like good ones I don't mean like oh oh get it out get it

out I can tell some of you're now working out your route home via a news agent he said the show should be sponsored cuz I'm telling you all go and buy chocolate the show's not sponsored but if your future show is called Dairy milikin then maybe things have changed but it was about this time last year that I was worried about my family um my mom and dad are both retired and both disabled and I was worried about them sort of thinking before they put the heating on you know it was a very cold winte

r sort of thinking can we afford it before they put the heating on and I said you know what you've looked after me all these years including the two I moved back in after I got divorced never have kids cuz I never probably [ __ ] leave said maybe I could start giving you a bit of a hand maybe I could start paying your heating bill not happy not happy very proud people my parents there was a lot of sort of wrestling went on I mean verbal I would have let me dad on the floor popping out hips willy

-nilly and they eventually agreed they still weren't happy about it but the gr is the most sensible option started to pay for the hating Bill months later I went to visit them my dad opened the front door and he was just wearing invest in punts and I went Dad it's 3: in the afternoon why haven't you got any clothes on it's boiling in there and I heard my sister shout from the kitchen we've never even been on holiday anywhere this hot we had a very good and we always had loads of we had loads of

pets we had loads of pets give us a CH if you've got a pet I'm very jealous I'd love to have a pet I don't have that kind of Lifestyle I'm away from home too much and it would be cruel so me my fellow when we've got a bit of time off like an afternoon off we're like to go to zoos and Aquariums but you can't always do that cuz those places are expensive and they take up a lot of time so we have perfected the art of wandering around pets at home you got to go in with a lot of confidence you know t

hat you could totally own a fish you know to be fair I sometimes wonder around baby clothes shops and I haven't got a baby that's a lot weirder I always think I can pass as a new mom cuz I've got a bit of a Bellion I always look knucked and if I think anybody's suspicious it is Loba boob boat that doesn't work in pets at home the last time we were in pets at home they had a special section to one side of animals that had been reduced just let that sink in for a second reduced it was was one of t

he saddest things I think I've ever seen they had a big rabbit in a hut much bigger than the other sort of sexy rabbits sexy is not the right word is it depends on the rabbit thank you and the big rabbit to make it that little bit more heartbreaking they'd written a sign for it in the first person and the sign said hi I'm honey I'm a little bit bigger than the other rabbits I'm a little bit older than the other rabbits please take me home I thought you never expect to come face to face with a ra

bbit equivalent of your teenage self I didn't buy it it's got to learn well we Lords of pets when we kids we had rabbits and budgies and hamsters and fish and dogs we had loads of things but whenever they died we were never told that we were just told some story instead some lie anybody else have this yeah yeah what lies were you told shout out Farm gone to a farm what animal was it love dog a dog oh it's still in your voice isn't it FL dog Farm dog can't talk anymore it was Lady the other day s

he said uh my rabbit never died I said what my rabbit never died It's just sometimes a different color and occasionally it was a guinea pig thanks for watching you know what would be great is if you liked and subscribed I'm so NY I'm so sorry H and why not come and see me live and the tickets are available at s.c. put the kettle on and settle in