good morning is what normal families say well we I'll take my breakfast to go I'm going fishing with the fellas Peter I thought we were going to have some family time this weekend you're going fishing again yes Lois I love fishing remember fishing was my not at all memorable job for 2 years no you don't remember my fishing boat you don't remember Santos and Pasqual not even a little they were like male coners it was a mistake making them Portuguese though people don't even know what a Portuguese
is that's what I thought a Portuguese was me and my brain huh and we're just getting started boy it's not like Quagmire to be this late yeah jeez I've never tried to make conversation with just Joe before this is brutal come on Joe you're losing them think of something this was your shot 2third of the planet is water yeah 2/3 of the planet is water this guy's okay all right well um we should probably go find out what's keeping Quagmire yeah I guess you're right and you know Joe uh I was thinkin
g maybe one night we get dinner just the two of us I would like [Music] that hey Quagmire you in there holy crap oh my God he must have Auto erotically affixiated himself yeah while he was watching clown porn oh yeah baby oh yeah baby you make me so horny come on help me get him down beer he's still alive we got to get him to a hospital all right but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first oh Peter We Came as soon as we heard how is he he's in a coma Lois my God what the hell happened
he hung himself during autoerotic asfixiation just goes to show anything can be dangerous is his family here his sister Brenda is coming with her boyfriend Jeff oh my God not that guy is she still with him isn't he the one that beats her yeah but she's gotten a lot better all right on the way back I get to pick the radio station because that was awful I know yeah it was I'm sorry oh God I just I hope Glenn's okay I'm so worried about him shut up and Limp we're in a handicap spot you [ __ ] well
miss Quagmire your brother Glenn is lucky to be alive you know we're all lucky to be alive on such a beautiful day in fact nurse all surgeries are outside today you know when we were kids our mother used to sing a song when we were sad maybe that'll help now come on Brenda a stupid nursery rhyme isn't going to wake him up especially the way you sing right man Glen don't die from autoerotic asfixiation your to this song is from childhood to October 31st [Music] 2011 where am I what happened oh Gl
enn oh thank God you're all right hey you touching my girl relax Jeff got your brother yeah that's how it starts come on Brenda we got to get out of here I need cigarettes and [Music] jeans oh thanks you guys for all your help through this oh Glenn we're just so glad you're all right and Jeff and I are happy to stay here with you for as long as you need fine then you call my cousin Terry and tell him we're not going to be at his karate recital well Jeff he is my brother why do you always got to
remind me I didn't finish high school well listen how about I make a this aesome dinner huh come here you fat ugly [ __ ] if today wasn't your birthday Jeff please you're being what what am I being crazy unemployed why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas no I didn't call them they were called oh now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat I got another [Music] cat a that yellow lab looks like it's dying that's gwenneth paltro she's fine look turn off the light I just want to
get to sleep and put this ugly night behind us all that unpleasantness with Brenda and Jeff was more than I can handle there no big deal Lois we probably just caught him on an off night where do you get off calling me a dead beat in front of your brother no Jeff all I said was that you were in between jobs well it wouldn't matter if you would just pick up that night shift at the prison but then I'll be working 100 hours a week so what I need money for motor oil and wallet chains okay I'll ask ab
out Monday can I put my night gown back on no I'm not done [Music] drawing hey Peter jeez quagar you look terrible I didn't get any sleep hi Glen how are you not great Lois I'm stuck in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister I know it sounded like there was quite a Ruckus going on over there last night that Jeff seems like kind of a Monster yeah that guy scary as an Iraq Lobster death to America and butter sauce don't boil me I'm still alive Iraq Lobster Iraq [Music] Lobster I've tried talk
ing to Brenda about leaving him but I haven't gotten anywhere I was actually hoping you could talk to her Lois she might open up more to you you know cuz you're a woman me yeah would you mind at least trying well I guess she does need someone to talk to well let's hope she's good at talking cuz we know she doesn't listen so good that we know you know Brenda I'm glad we could get together me too Lois it's nice to have a girlfriend to chat with don't you have any back home oh no Jeff would never a
llow that you know that's kind of what I want to talk to you about Brenda do you mind taking off your sunglasses oh my God no it's really not that bad it only hurts when I see you know you don't have to stay with a man who treats you that way oh Jeff sweet you don't see how soft and gentle he hits me when we're alone do you hear yourself he shouldn't be hitting you at all I don't think you understand how serious am out of the close your menu what close your menu so they know we're ready to order
I'll give you another moment damn it I'm sorry oh shoot see this is why Jeff corrects me all the time corrects you Brenda he's not correcting you he's beating you well I can see why you'd think that because of the punches and all but it's just that Jeff's been so angry about immigrants what it'll be better when he gets back to work our relationship is just complicated that's all no Brenda it's not complicated trying to get a straight answer out of a 23-year-old girl is complicated so do you wan
t to go out sometime out like go out or hang out or just do something like a date like a date date or like a date both I guess yeah sure maybe I don't know yes no here's the first three digits of my phone number email me Joe the guy's a menace they've been with me three days now and all he does is beat her day and night and on top of that they say they don't need to be entertained but then they're always like hey so what are we doing what's next hey Joe can't you can't you just arrest the guy I
can't arrest Jeff unless Brenda files a formal complaint with the police she won't go to the police she's afraid of what Jeff will do and to be honest I don't blame her I mean what happens if one of these Knights he hits her so hard he kills her sorry Quagmire police policy we can't step in until it's too late but if I were you I'd set up an intervention what's that it's like a surprise birthday party but instead of cake and presents there's angry letters and someone who inappropriately tries to
make it about themselves oh that sounds great I bet I would really shine at one of those all right well first we want to thank you all for being here for Brenda now I know it's going to be a long day but we're all here because we care about her very much what the what's going on what's all this Brenda this is an intervention a lot of us don't like how Jeff's been treating you so we're going to say a few things and then you'll say a few things and then we'll be done sound good um I guess all rig
ht so we're going to go around the room and tell you exactly how your situation has affected each of us Meg I feel like if he likes you maybe you can change him okay maybe she wasn't the one to start with Caleb Caleb you want to go ahead me yeah go ahead it's Chris you don't know my name all right this isn't enough to a flying start Peter why don't you go ahead so you like getting beaten huh well why don't you smoke a whole carton of cigarettes look I know what you guys are trying to do but Jeff
and I are fine fine no Brenda you're not fine okay please i' i' I'd like to say something if I may Brenda the fact that you are being abused has affected my life in the following ways the sister that I knew and loved growing up no longer exists the person I see before me now is just a punching bag and I call you person and not woman because a woman is a strong beautiful vibrant creature a woman Embraces life a woman makes choices to make her life better sadly the fact that you are with Jeff pro
ves to me that you have made a choice to make your life worse I I want the girl I grew up with back I want I I want my sister back Brenda I love you please make the right decision which is a perfect time for me to tell my jokes p and I will save them for the end Glenn I am so lucky to have such a wonderful loving brother like you so are you going to leave him oh there you are hey give me some money I saw a cool bandana what the hell's going on here listen here you bully for your information Bren
da just agreed to leave you like hell she did Brenda you tell him no not yet everyone I have wonderful news Jeff and I are getting married I'd show you the ring but it's under the splint my finger fell down the stairs you're getting married yeah but only cuz she's pregnant pregnant oh congratulations have you thought of any names yet maybe maybe Slappy or or bruisy or keep it down in ay guys what the hell am I going to do she can't marry that bastard he's just going to keep beating her and then
he's going to beat the kid too God I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Felman you know I was thinking wait what what that's his name yeah hilarious you know I was thinking this afternoon what the hell happened to the days when a guy does something like that to a girl and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his ass boy that'd be satisfying well why not what do you mean the three of us we go over there and we do what's right we kill a bastard whoa whoa Quagmire you know I could arrest you
just for saying that you know what else you can get arrested for soliciting a rooster I don't know what this cockadoodle doo thing is but it sounds gay and it sounds scatalogical I'm in you're about to have a neat day Quagmire you're talking about murdering a guy it doesn't matter what he's done it's still murder no Joe it does matter what he's done these kinds of guys don't change you think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways and clean up their act no they just keep r
uining everyone's lives and the world is better off without him it's against the law Quagmire and that's the end of it what the hell did you change a channel while I was going to get a beer oh yeah I'm sorry honey I just wanted to see who was on Letterman we're watching Leno you [ __ ] I'm so sorry his soft gentle humor connects effortlessly with my mainstream sensibilities no let's waste this dick well everything's different now than it used to be isn't it you know this morning I had a bowl of
Fruity Pebble cereal yeah yeah when I was a kid they were [Music] Boulders cereals do change oh no now here's something here's something do you hear about this here's a bunch of words in a row because the economy is so bad they've decided they're going to shut down all the prisons yeah yeah and and they're going to send all the inmates to con I don't get that one hi there Jeff hey what's going on dudes Brenda just fell get your lazy ass up and get my neighbor some beers actually we don't have ti
me Jeff we were just about to go on our annual midnight hunting trip we thought you might want to join us yeah what the hell go shoot some animals that sounds like fun hey beat sitting at home watching Meg proper zits okay okay who would you rather do dame Judy Dench with 30 minutes of kissing first or Eddie isard in drag but he has a working vagina would Eddie isard tell others about it Eddie isard is very discreet then that's your answer you know Quagmire I got to say I was pretty surprised yo
u wanted me to come along I thought you hated my guts oh come on on Jeff I don't hate your guts well what the hell are we doing out here I thought we were going to kill him so Jeff do you like loud sentences I guess I got to take a whiz all right look when he comes back I'm just going to do it okay I'm just going to point my guns straight at his head before he even knows what's going on kind of like this you know Quagmire you are pathetic you have to bring your friends out here with you to do yo
ur dirty work what what what do you mean Jeff you're going to kill me is that it uh-uh not unless you want your friend's brains all over the place listen Jeff just put the gun down and we'll forget this whole thing okay oh well that's never happened before kind of don't know what to do next so now you'll forget the whole thing yeah I uh guess that is what I said no no we can't forget the whole thing yeah you know he's right we can't forget it fine now here's the plan I'm taking Quagmire for a li
ttle ride and you guys are going to stay out here and freeze to death now get those hands where I can see him all the way up oh my shirt's A Little Too Short that's okay you can keep them the way you had him so it covers your stomach thank you you know if this Jeff was around more we wouldn't have tried to kill you see you later Schmucks [Music] all right this is far enough well Quagmire sorry it had to end this way a tragic hunting accident I guess that little baby's going to grow up without an
uncle actually I have a brother Gary Quagmire oh I think I think you got a brother too don't you all right forget the uncle thing get ready to die Quagmire you know if you had any balls you'd put that gun down and we could settle this like me that's awful big talk for a scrawny bastard like you hey I'm serious man unless you're scared I can take you suit yourself man just means you're going to die [Music] slower [Music] [Music] minut [Music] [Music] girl [Music] what the hell I killed you I cho
ke myself every day you [Music] bastard [Music] oh Glenn there you are Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called uh well actually about that Brenda he must have left early this morning yeah we found this note he left you dear Brenda I have decided to leave you I realized that you are too good for me and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture love Jeff P.S if the cops ask tell them that Joe Peter and Quagmire were with you last night if you tell anyone
otherwise I will come back and not only hit you but I will murder you and no one will care because you're garbage and your baby is going to be a child of garbage it's a little rough Peter I didn't write it Joe did I wanted it to sound real it's got to sound like he wrote it plus she kind is garbage Quagmire well I best be rolling on now oh come on who says that it's an expression yeah if you're in a wheelchair listen you had your chance I emailed it to both of you you wrote back looks fine and y
ou just added that part about grap ape PPS I really love Grape Ape the end wow I guess he's really [Laughter] gone I kind of want [Music] to I can't believe you drag me to the flow this is going to suck oh knock it off it's not going to be that bad besides I couldn't leave you at home last time I did that the kids walked in on you looking at internet corn God what I wouldn't do to that what no no no it's not even mine I just clicked on it and come on it's not like it's gay corn it's gay corn it
was baby corn hi ladies and welcome to the flow we'll be starting the taping in just a few minutes but I wanted to come out here personally and say hi to my fans let's get everyone up up up and dancing like [Applause] maniacs [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] first [Music] down let's welcome our first guest my colleague at Channel 5 and now a bestselling author Trisha Takanawa so Trisha tell us about your book I understand it's been number one on Amazon for many weeks long time it's called throw
it away the life improving art of decluttering people nowadays own too much stuff I am encouraging them to throw it away genius so just throw everything out not quite if it Kindles Joy you keep it but if no joy you throw it over away can I look at your phone no use your activity book I already did all the fun ones at church it's very simple I came up with it after hiking to the top of Mount Asia and meditating on Epiphany Bridge ah Peter these are Asian techniques and they're new to me I have to
buy this book read two chapters then leave it on my nightstand for a year that fart was the lady next to me whatever I'm getting that book Peter and it's for reading not for killing spiders don't worry Lois I got a better method for doing that now I'm really excited you're humanely relocating me to outside your house oh yeah me and the Fellas thought it was [Music] time oh no kids Peter get down here everyone I just read Trisha tu an hour's book and it was really inspiring she says that when yo
u declutter your house you declutter your mind and clear a path to true happiness about a clear path to dinner [ __ ] so I want everyone to go through every single item you own and if it doesn't Kindle Joy throw it away see this sweater it's okay but it doesn't Kindle Joy I'm throwing it out now get to it wow she's really all in on this well she's searching for something to fill her empty life you remember when she thought the solution was putting a lemon slice in a plain glass of water for a ve
ry simple kind of pleasure ah Perfection and just the thing to wash down six Xanax from four different prescriptions tomorrow this will seem like a new idea [Music] again oh my voodoo doll of mom yet totally throw it never worked anyway what the hell was that oh [Music] keep box of cords that go to computers from the 1980s keep $70,000 in camel cash I should have pulled the trigger on that umbrella keep Woody and Buzz who definitely are not alive so I can turn my back on them well I guess they p
assed the test they're really not alive Peter what are you doing up there oh nothing Lois I was just making sure I kept my Woody and butt I knew it Peter there's nothing in your throwaway pile I know I'm keeping everything everything Kindles joy that can't be true even this old Tin Can on a string I mean what are you even doing with this you're a grown man why would you possibly need this if anything is garbage this this is garbage sounds like things aren't going well at the Griffins this is why
no girls allowed I hate to do this guys but Peter's been compromised oh look my box of ribbons I've saved from various presents oh I'm not throwing that out that's a good ribbon this is a good ribbon too these are all very usable ribbons hey little guy how's the sting going I'm not getting rid of my ribbons I just wanted to know if if I could borrow a [Music] ribbon If You Love Game of Thrones on HBO you'll love cinemax's boob dragons series pass record all Priority One Peter that's like your 5
0th bag what could possibly be in there oh have you not heard Ryan no everybody's wait a minute didn't we destroy that I glued it surfen BD uh uh uh finds a way I love it perfect [Music] so Lois what's your next Bor housewife seeking purpose in life project after decluttering vegan baking handmade soaps on Etsy well you drunk already bro what's your next fake writing project a rap Opera about Grover at Cleveland no Lois that would be ridiculous mine is a 70s Funk musical about William Howard [Mu
sic] Taft who's the big fat president whose suits look like a flannel circus tent right on who's that presidential chub got stuck in the White House tub William Howard Taft they say this C Taft is a fat mother shut your mouth I'm just talking about Taft and we can take [Music] it so good to be home since when do you s oh I don't I just rolled around in the sand and brought home this bucket of alive crabs when the Clutter is gone the path to happiness is clear Lois you can just pee in these like
a SPAC suit right Peter you don't Kindle Joy what I'm sorry but I'm looking at you and I'm just not feeling Joy what what are you saying Peter I don't think I can have you in the house right now you're throwing me away yes I'm so sorry Peter I just feel like if you don't Kindle joy and that's what the book said you can't kick me out of my own house the house that I pay for that I semi- pay for would help from your parents that your parents pay for entirely but I get to put the mortgage coupon in
the mailbox that your parents pay for entirely using autodraft from their account while I put a pretend mortgage coupon that clearly says not legal tender into the mailbox that your parents pay for entirely using autodraft from their account while I put a pretend mortgage coupon that says not legal tender into Stewie Sesame Street mailbox that your parents pay for entirely using autodraft from their account while Chris puts a pretend mortgage coupon that says not legal tender into Stewie Sesame
Street mailbox while I hold the plastic door open for him that your parents pay for entirely we get it okay what's happening again I'm asking you to leave the house the house that I pay for thanks for letting me crash here Quagmire no problem Peter I'm sure Lois will cool down in a few days and you'll be back home yeah she'll be fine and you won't even know I'm here I mean I need to keep up with my workouts and I can't sleep unless I have Dunkirk on at full volume oh yeah this will be great hi
kids do you need those hats I mean it's the foundation of my look but we can discuss it I feel like they're clutter I feel like you don't need them let's just see what you look like with that wow you kids are Legos I'm sorry you had to find out this way Mom oh hi Brian you carry in clutter I'll just throw it out a clean house means a clean soul and a clean soul is a happy one that was a whole pizza and I didn't even start eating it yet you're surprised about a pizza she threw out a whole guy yea
h Lois might be starting to lose it even her cutaways are getting a little too minimalist have you noticed Donald Trump's hair is unusual oh hey don't use the toilet I'm making wine Peter you got to get out the truth is I should have asked you to leave after the other night hello Quagmire yeah I can't sleep so I can't sleep what do you want me to do will you read me a story Peter I'm I'm in the middle of something here like maybe a Clifford Peter get out of here Clifford no not not now Quagmire
Clifford now just read him the story Clifford was just too big for the bathtub isn't he big Peter Clifford Big so they decided to hose him in the yard instead but Clifford couldn't fit through the door see that Peter finally all right ladies I guess we can wouldn't you know it oh my God they took the whole roof off everybody thinks they can kick me out well who gets the last laugh now I get to sleep with all my stuff in a storage unit on the highway access road okay can't go to bed till you make
one all right just got to make one I'm going to sleep something bad's going to happen if you don't do it mag Chris what the is this I've never seen it before I don't know Stewie she's got your time machine don't drag that down the stairs all ah thank God everything's back to normal gross I tell you to clean your rooms and the first thing you do is put all your science projects in Stewie's closet mom we didn't stop arguing and get rid of it and give me those glasses they're cluttering up your fa
ce I need them to see they're not bringing me joy you realize there are four of us and one of her if we rushed her all at once that's not going to work she's clearly developed the strength of the insane what did you say Chris nothing I'm sorry Chris I will not have your comic strip anger cluttering up my house it's negative and it ruins my joy get it out of here now you've done it you've made me 1930s work whistle angry shut up Meg what I didn't say anything you're just said your it's cluttering
up my space get out but get out of my house you know Lois one could argue that your bra is clutter nice try dirt bag leave figured it was going to happen anyway might as well go out on my terms I cluttered my pants it did not Kindle [Music] Joy well that does it I got rid of all the Clutter I made order out of chaos and it's beautiful there's even an echo in here now I'm so happy I'm very unhappy my house is at peace so I am at peace you're all alone and sad Simplicity is is good for the soul y
our soul is as empty as this house this house this [Music] house but I did what the book said I did it all I didn't it work why am I still not happy what have I done looks like there's only one thing left to get rid of the mirror look towels they don't even match who cares they're still thirsty she's not here come on Wow everything's gone what's that words letters letters and words mhm mhm more words and letters Chris can't you read no I know the letters when they're on their own but you know wh
en they team up like this I'm just uh I'm sort of outmatched it was my fault not yours I'm so sorry and I love you all goodbye P.S please throw this note out it is clutter oh my God where could she be you don't think she killed herself do you we're going to need professional help I got to call Joe hello Joe are you in my kitchen no what are you doing nothing hey Bon do they have the French bread pizza not a good time [Music] Bon well she's dead it's a suicide note it doesn't actually say she's g
oing to end it maybe she just took off somewhere I'll call Cleveland maybe he saw something hello are you stealing my carpet Plumbing no what are you doing nothing hey Donna did you check the counter for cure rigs not a good time [Music] Don Dad how can you be so sure mom is at Mount Asia we cut a whole scene where we figured it out you got to just trust [Music] me boy feels like Rocky huh huh okay look we're almost [Music] there I don't even care that I left my phone in my [Music] pocket I had
too much but then I had nothing but then that wasn't enough Lois Lois don't do it wait is this really CU of all my stuff oh Peter don't come any closer please don't jump please I love [Music] you [Music] w feels like Cliffhanger huh huh Chris okay oh my God [Music] Lois are you okay I'm fine I'm fine everything's fine I was saved by garbage I'm garbage everything's garbage and garbage is wonderful uh when mommy's unstable I feel unsafe we're so glad you didn't kill yourself I wasn't going to jum
p you idiot I just came here to think you made me lose my balance but when I landed in all that garbage I realized it saved my life literally yes but also it saves my life every day the joy that you find in everything the fact that every little thing you see Kindles joy for you that's the right attitude Peter and I'm going to try to have that attitude from now on I love you I love you too Lois now let's go home I can't wait to sleep in my own [Music] [Applause] [Music] bed I'll just leave it for
now we'll deal with it later oh okay thanks Mom okay that's a clutter ing thing was nice for a while but I definitely went overboard I know somehow an idea I got from a two-minute segment on a morning talk show didn't bring me the life satisfaction I thought it would on the bright side our sparse white living room looks like the John Lenin Yoko Ono imagine living room we can't afford imagine so just imagine this is Imagine imagine imagine what do you you up to there Stewie big birthday party to
day just finishing up my card happy birthday Gert yeah it's short for yogurt his mom is a doer and his dad is a doer I like the blue truck thanks it was supposed to be a fire engine but I couldn't find the red glitter pen well that's our long form tax return D I could be wrong but I think we're getting a million dollars back oh I'm glad you're here I ran out of bleach halfway through my mustache treatment today so Peter I'm going to need you to take Stewie to the bowl and Alley for a party hey m
e I'm going to need you to take Stewie to the bowling alley for a party I just learned the word delegate no skin off my sack I love the bowling alley I'm coming too they got a new claw machine with a bra in it we sure raised a few fine delegates huh Peter I don't think you learned the word delegate I will not be delegated in my own house this is going to be fun Stewie yeah I'm pumped partying's in our blood we even had ancestors at the Boston Tea Party all right let's stick it to the British and
throw this tea overboard how about this Earl Gray okay you know what let's keep the earl gray we we all have to have breakfast right here goes the camomile no no no you throw that out you're throwing my good night's sleep away how about this throat coat with eonia okay you guys are going to hate me but we're coming up on cold and flu season and I just think that would be irresponsible well what about you know what let's just boil some water and write him a strongly worded [Music] letter here yo
u go Meg you all in Lane six with gert's Mother everybody wins everybody wins here today Girt get your hand out of your pants thanks Bruce hey want to put quesadillas in our mouths and flip through a People magazine later oh I'd love to but this is our busiest day I got five parties and that guy over there insists he can only bowl like Fred Flintstone dad you were coming here the whole time I don't have to tell you things I'm keeping secret from you all right Bruce I'm up [Music] you Stewie Will
iam you're up well well well looks like the new kid got a Pity invite my name's William I've been on six airplanes you do Sports William you have get your ass handed to you Sports wise not yet Stewie but if you throw the ball the way you threw back that cake you should be in good shape hope you got another set of pins Bruce cuz this one's about to explode well call me Norma Ray cuz you're about to see a strike I watch a lot of movies at my grandma's house on three [Music] oops [Music] yes and th
en there were nine it's not fair someone else was using my lucky dinosaur ramp can't beat the old strike Assa open the door get on the floor everybody bow that [Music] dinosaur are you here for shoes yeah but I'm not sure what size I am the Siz in Line's right over there just put your bare fooot on my stomach and I can tell you your shoe size I don't know next a little higher I don't know next that'll do pig that'll do [Music] Peter you're up just got to dry my hands first oh how embarrassing wh
at an unexpected sexy turn of events so did you guys know that Marilyn's real name was Norma jeene mhm and if you said hello to Bernard Schwarz you'd be saying saying hello to Tony Curtis yes we know better smile when you say that Pilgrim Maran Morrison AKA John Wayne yep we remember from the list you eat emailed us Joe you know Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln and Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy kind of makes you think huh about what [Music] secretaries sorry we left such a mess let
me help you with that thanks Meg oh looks like more vomit and I done run out of kitty litter to soak it up that's all right I always keep a small bag in my purse you keep kitty litter in your purse well there's not always a bathroom when I need one I don't know how you handle all these kids every week oh I don't mind I like children always wanted one of my own someone I could raise a little bit better than my parents did me you'd be a great dad Bruce you should totally have a kid I don't know if
you knew this but it's anatomically impossible for a man to get pregnant even Lindsey Graham well he's certainly giving it the old College try but I guess it's just not in the cards for Jeffrey and me after all you can't make a bun without an oven well I have an oven I mean it may not close all the way and it's definitely not self-cleaning but it works you should thank your lucky stars for that well I don't know if you've noticed but I don't exactly have a lot of Suits it might be because he's
going potty in your purse all the time but at least he able to have a baby you're right I can have a baby mom dad I'm having Bruce and Jeffrey's baby that's wonderful what do you say we take this party to the top of the stairs top of the stairs it's not an abortion it's an oopsie be there is no way you are having Bruce and Jeffrey's baby I forbid it we agreed no more kids in the house unless it's young Sheldon boy is that kid a pepper Pat it's not what you guys think I'm going to be a surrogate
but don't you need an egg or or is that is that a bad question to ask now that penises and vaginas mean nothing Jeffrey and Bruce already picked out an egg donor from a website okay as your father I'd like to say something you can just get hot eggs off the internet wh what uh what what what what uh what what what what what what what what website mag this is serious pregnancy is not something you do for money or to keep a certain professional athlete interested after he blocks your number you're
going to ruin your life and I won't have any part of it well too bad cuz I'm 18 and you can't stop me dang no more sush for Meg for nine whole months that's honestly what you're taking away from all this well yeah I'm still getting sush anyone else for sush dad sush ma sush Chris sush Meg no sush don't even answer Meg she's like ah I want sush so bad I'm like no no Meg no sush babe anyway I'm going to go out and get some sush I'll be at CVS oh this is embarrassing in we wore the same thing Let I
t Be noted that I was the one to change this time anyway good news the fertilization of the Hella more attractive egg was a success Brucey we did it I'm going to dress him in political t-shirts he can't even begin to understand yes so now we just have to implant that very hot embryo into Meg's body is this going to hurt not at all nurse wheel in the implantation Cannon you guys are going to love this thing a clown died in there but I think we got them all out can someone please go get me a cup o
f buffalo sauce and a hollow out pickle to use as a straw to suck up the sauce fine but I'm making you a grilled cheese and not because I support this pregnancy I I just enjoy making passive aggressive grilled cheeses for people and then saying here here's your freaking grilled cheese hey Meg how many farts you've been blasting off today we talking bigs and Smalls fronts backs wets dries ah well I'm going to run out of this room now and leave a comedically shaped hole in the wall that was alread
y there from Dad's drunk driving accident nope running from [Music] f man Meg being pregnant is almost as bad as when that other lady was pregnant remember the lady with the loose baked eggs rack remember her Peta that was me and no way was I worse than this well maybe this will turn out better than you think like eating edible underwear in nonsexual situations I can't believe you chose this for your last meal well I guess we're both shocked today okay fellas light me up you know what he's funny
now I see why our daughter got in that V [Music] you well maybe you're right I'm just glad this day's finally over night Peter night Lois mom dad just ignore her she'll Tire herself out dad mom please Lois the daughter's crying I'm super wide awake and I want to eat something really rank Lois did you hear that okay okay I guess I got this one Papa John I'm sorry to bother you but my pregnant daughter asked that I bring her the worst pizza ever and yours is that you think we're worse than Luncha
bles yes 71 look my friend my friend my friend it's late we've done our research the sauce the bread the toppings the way it's cooked the people cooking it the way it tastes like the box it comes in it's really really the worst I mean you even make butter dipping sauce terrible well do you want the butter sauce with the pizza or not yeah no give me a bunch of [Music] everything what do you want Chris is it pump time yet why do you care Meg I'm a member of a very specific dark Web Internet site d
on't try to find it you won't be able to but this would be fairly Monumental there Mom Chris is being disgusting so are you we're all disgusting that's what family is I knew this was a bad idea yeah marriage blows no I mean Meg's pregnancy I wish we could just fast forward through the next couple of months until she gives birth and this whole thing blows [Music] over well team I tried meth all right guys looks like I'm really liking [Music] meth hey guys I need money like now like yesterday like
now hi Peter my name is Marcus your family has written some letters they'd like to read to you you [Music] Liars weird Easter this year dad you're back oh we missed you so much I missed you guys meth was great but I guess it's bad I don't know I'm not really sold on that yet we're proud of you Peter uh guys I think my water just broke oh right I forgot we were doing [Music] that well I see nobody brought me a doctor gift that's fine you still have a year Meg I'm just going to check the contract
ions should have would have hadn't ma'am TW oh they're getting closer together it's coming it's coming okay we're out of gloves so I'm going to catch it with this Panda Express bag are you sure this is safe oh yeah Panda bags are medical grade just never use a Subway bag I've had like four go right through oh it's in the bag already it's a girl what's that big old Vine coming out she looks like one of them pumpkins in Cinderella she she's beautiful e that's awful loud yeah that's a pee poo mix c
ry if I ever heard one and it'll be a weird poo that first one trust me you know you know that volcano in Hawaii where the lava just slowly rolls through people's yards it's like that only poo that does sound like a lot to deal with so do you clean that up with like kleenexes and for breezes you know what why don't I take the first shift well it would give us a chance to finish do dad in her room and we have to buy every product of known baby expert Jessica Alba well sounds like you guys have a
lot to talk about thanks Meg we'll text you tomorrow welcome to the world Little Liza Judy Barbara all right sush time for Meg I know you want some Hospital sush no dad sush Pepsi Max ma diet Max sush Chris Max code red sush no well I'm getting some sush and a Max I'll be at the cafeteria don't get the sush guys okay okay Liza Judy Barbara it's time for the bottle because I forgot to tweeze my nips this is getting ridiculous it's been 3 days why haven't Bruce and Jeffrey picked up that baby I do
n't know they're like super busy hey look at the bright side Lois with that baby around you look like the hottest grandma in town the hottest Grandma the the hottest grandma the hottest Grandma well I mean okay the hottest Grandma should be Jennifer Aniston but the Counting Crows guy wasn't ready to commit poor bastard thought it was going to be an endless [Music] run that was Bruce and Jeffrey they're not coming to get Liza Judy Barbara until tomorrow now ah why not not that you guys care about
this sort of thing but Jeffrey wrote a murder mystery that premieres tonight to the Cracker Barrel in Sturbridge oh no yeah but if you got to [Music] go I made this a cutaway so I could see the [Applause] show [Laughter] peekaboo yeah yeah it's hard to laugh without fighting feels like you and me are on the same page about a lot of stuff we work well together like the employees at TJ Maxx hey where should I put these just throw them on the floor and step on them that's our Founders motto TJ Max
x teach your kids to drive in our empty parking [Music] lot guys look look at me now that I'm a hot grandma I bought one of those novelty wine glasses that's big enough to hold an entire bottle of wine isn't that hilarious it's okay that was worth it for the joke you did good Lois you're building a comedic voice okay here we go Liza Judy Barbara your first strain pece wow she is the most memorable and endearing baby I've ever seen okay then oh I'm sorry are you are you almost done oh yeah no sor
ry I'm just I'm doing sets I'm just doing little sets oh cool cool guys he's doing little sets cool little sets cool cool mag I am so impressed yeah I had no idea you could be so maternal I always saw you as a drive into the lake mom so did I mom but honestly since Liza Judy Barbara was born I feel like my life has purpose for the first time knock knock I know this may be not a good time but we just had to come see our little angel had to come see where have you two been watching Mama M and maki
ng popovers what is wrong with you two how irresponsible can you be I mean this is your daughter you abandoned abandoned we wanted to come over but Meg kept saying it was a bad time Meg is that [Music] true this baby needs me it's the first living thing that's ever needed me for once my life has purpose and I'm good at this better than these two anyway maybe she's right what businesses do we have raising a child and how's is we supposed to pay for her school with our Tesla and Cashmere money I d
on't think so we could dip into our boozy brunch fund don't you dare oh listen to me I wouldn't know how to raise a baby I'm sure she knows that [Music] too gaga gaga Bruce did you hear that she said her first gay icon Jean triple horn oh my God a second lesser known gay icon she wants her daddiy Meg I'm sorry I know we're not perfect but no parent is and this is our child she belongs with us but you don't know anything about raising a child no one does that's why two out of three don't turn out
right but that doesn't mean you don't try mag we'll always appreciate what you've done for us and you'll always be a part of Liza Judy barbar's life yeah you'll always be that slightly creepy teen who birthed our baby and then we gradually lost touch with you better promise we do in that case I'll take a chance on you if you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown that can't be the first time our baby hears AB that's right it should be at a jockstrap foam Rave in Miami Beach same as me wh
at wait but but I'm the hot grandma you're a grandma you look amazing how you come on could a grandma wear this to a spin class I mean yes she could because I did head so that happened thank you Meg you've completed our family we have our baby and we have you well I guess that means I can get rid of all my hot grandma merch I'll just donate it to Goodwill you know what giil means right yeah God I love fenel you said it pal well Bruce and Jeffrey I got to say you two have really stepped up to bec
ome a couple of great dads thank you Lois you sound a bit surprised which seems right for a woman with that haircut but you sweet to say so uhoh someone's being a little fussy Brites oh she's tired you get the lights and out sing her to sleep yeah that seems about right for a guy with that haircut thank you Pete Christmas lists [Music] Jessica be and Megan Forks wearing nothing but their socks is all I really want for Christmas this year well that's just not practical spending a week in Mexico w
ith some black eyes and some blow is all I really want for Christmas this year a that sounds terrific how about you kids I would like a pair of skates then i' go out skating but I really don't know how to skate I want Al all in pink and a dad who doesn't drink oh and that reminds me 12 CS of beer all these happy wishes and lots of Christmas Che is all I really want this year Santa's got his work cut out for him oh we ain't even got started yet I want to T the Spanish Co lunch with Michael Landon
's ghost is all I really want for Christmas this year wait what forget it keep going Jennifer Garner in my bed softer voices in my head is all really work for Christmas this [Music] year yellow cake uranium never mind the reason also Shoots and Ladders and the ball doesn't this seem like too much stuff p on you it's not enough buddy boy I got your Christmas right here all these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is all I really want this year I'm just saying it seems a bit excessive oh get
off yourself box Brian it's Christmas and Christmas is about getting everyone in town knows that Japanese girls with no restraint just to choke me till I faint is all I really want for Christmas this [Music] year Platinum plated silver just one day when kids don't stare for Christmas this year if you put a Christmas tree in the public airport I will go to court and sue your ass happy holiday wouldn't I love the T toy and a little drummer boy he can either tap his drum or my rear or wishes and o
f Christmas cheer all I really want I want a golden mustache comb and some spermicidal fo that's all I really want for Christmas this [Applause] [Music] year I want a brand new pitching wedge I would like more Lim on pledge that's all I really want for Christmas this year I just want a wedding ring from someone named Jeffrey I just want some color Easter eggs I want a Blu-ray of the whz we don't know what Christmas is we have something else called Gish all these happy wishes and Christmas Che is
all I really [Music] [Applause] [Music] want I am so excited to see Santa Claus you know what I think is really wonderful of all the malls in this great country of ours he chooses to come here year after year you know I mean who are we you know I'll tell you who we are the lucky ones uh-oh oh my God look at the line damn it we're going to be here forever hey wait look there's Quagmire way up front we can cut in line with him oh wait Stewie he doesn't like me so much Glenn Glenn Quagmire wow wha
t what are you doing here oh hi Brian just waiting for Santa like everyone else oh cool cool h man we'll just hang with you guys here who's this little guy huh is this your nephew hey buddy you here to see Santa yeah hope you've been a good boy this year that little guy is my niece Abby you douche her hair's short because of the chemotherapy uh-oh do you know how much talking it took to get her out of the house because of her no hair oh gosh I I didn't know I'm so I'm so sorry oh you're sorry fo
r for what that waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you that you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient oh come on I I didn't know she was dying who said anything about dying Uncle Glenn am I dying no sweetheart you're not dying cuz we're going to see Santa and he's going to bring you a new brain get out of here Brian just get out of here should have gone into politics briy now we got to go to the back of the line what the hell why isn't it moving I don't know it's
always the same thing some fat kid sitting on Santa's lap taking all day and I want a Charles and charge lunchbox and I want a magnadoodle and a new Uno game on the Caz I lost a draw tool card and I want a pet animal that's half chinchilla and half mink cuz it'd be really soft and I could call it [ __ ] and that's [Music] okay jeez doesn't the mall close soon we've been here forever would you relax we're right here I'm next hello Santa now um we've got a slight problem here because I have been r
ather naughty but you're a businessman I'm a businessman I'm sure we can work something out wait what are you doing Santa you can't leave now hey wait wait but buddy buddy we've been in line for like two hours sorry I'm done you want your kid to sit on my lap meet me at the bar at Applebee's a that sucks sorry Stewie that son of a [ __ ] he just turned his back on me the way reality turned its back on Gary Bucy huh how am I doing today Gary buy you're doing great good then I'll keep it [Music] u
p hey give me your keys I need your car what you're not taking my car very well then you're driving me let's go driving you where to the North Pole to see Santa Claus if that b slobbering onion eyed magot pie thinks he could just blow me off like that he's got another thing coming look Stewie I know you're disappointed that you didn't get to see Santa but I'm not driving you to the North Pole everyone quag Maya's niece is in the ICU now I think we should go down there to support him what yeah ap
parently something happened at the mall and she took a turn for the worst they don't know how much time she has left qu Maya just called he's really upset it doesn't sound like he wants us there for some reason but but we should go anyway all right let's go to the North Pole and so Brian and Stewie set off on the road to the North Pole hey you want to hear a real liveaction fart instead of one of those fake cartoony ones we're going to need another pair of pants and another [Music] chair hey Ste
wie wake up we're here we're at the North Pole what what uh north pole north pole north pole there it is my word I really must have been asleep ah look at this the tip of the earth Brian okay let's go see Santa Claus all right let's go well this is rather F isn't it small well it has to be small because of all the tiny elves oh that's right good good point elves yo yo what's up y'all y'all ready to kick it in some fine North Pole gear Brian why does the North Pole have black teenagers uh from uh
Katrina ah of course all right well U I just have one more question then do you think I'm an idiot huh do you look Stewie the North Pole is a long and dangerous you can't Jer me around when it comes to Santa Claus Brian there is a ferris wheel here and a guy hosing vomit nobody vomits at the North Pole except for Santa's wife because she has an eating disorder what yeah cuz he can have anyone he wants and she knows that Stewie just pull yourself together I won't Brian now you get your ass back
into that hippie C of yours and take me to the North Pole now look I know you're upset but why don't you just sit down write out your Christmas list and I promise I will mail it to Santa Claus screw that this was never about Christmas presents Brian well then why do you want to go all the way to the North Pole because I'm going to kill Santa [Music] Claus so it turned out Stewie was determined to kill Santa Claus would he succeed well let's find out wait a minute why the hell do you want to kill
Santa because that fat bastard blew me off at the mall and he shall not go unpunished now let's go I've got it all planned out I'm going to see the workshop pet a few reindeer take a few pictures of me and Santa and then I'm going to blow his brains out hopefully with his [ __ ] wife watching this is ridiculous we are not going to the North Pole trust me it's a waste of time you're not going to find Santa why not because there's no such because when you get there you may find out it isn't what
you thought it was and I wouldn't want you to be disappointed that's it that's your reason well you know you know why nothing works out for you Brian because you've got a negative attitude like e come on hone or let's go play I don't feel like it why are you always in such a bad mood I have a nail in my anus oh that's not fair I don't think I have a negative attitude I just I I don't think it's a good idea for us to embark on a potentially dangerous Journey what Stewie say yes to life Brian I'll
Be Home for Christmas son of a [Music] [ __ ] [Music] so what are we hauling good buddy oh I got a flock of birds that were too tired to fly back North boy this is the way to do it huh Jerry sure is think this makes us lazy nah we're still in the [Music] vshape [Music] what is this this is a weird gun yeah don't don't touch that oh it's a flare gun maybe you should put that back I'm just holding it is this the [Applause] trigger [Applause] oh my God Stewie you all right what the hell happened a
h just some stupid stuff went down you could have been killed I could have been killed look at my car well you know if you were just taken me to the real North Pole to see Santa not none of this would have happened what what what is this what are you doing hitching a ride I'm going to keep heading north until I find Santa Stewie you're not going to find him you do what you want Brian but I am going to the North Pole and I'm going to kill that bastard Stewie you're putting me in a hell of a posit
ion here but I I have no choice you're not going to kill Santa Claus because he doesn't exist re really Brian he doesn't exist that's right he's not real oh interesting interesting Theory Brian um who else isn't real hm you going to tell me that Elmo isn't real huh SpongeBob is he not real Brian is is is SpongeBob not there at the bottom of the ocean giving squid with the business H and and what about Curious George huh does he not really exist H is Curious George not really out there making lit
tle boats out of newspapers that he should be delivering huh educate yourself you fool look Stewie if you just listen for a second no you listen Brian I'll tell you what you take me to the North Pole and if Santa isn't there there I'll do something for you what when Lois does that middle of the night feeding where she doesn't even open her eyes or really wake up I'll let you take that one for me Brian are you serious quite okay you got a deal a damn it I won't turn over great not even halfway th
rough Canada and we're stuck oh hey there you having some car troubles eh yeah we're trying to get to the North Pole I don't suppose you're from AAA are you who AAA you know a aa oh a a I just came from AA no not AA AAA yeah that's what I said a aa oh so you are with aleaa oh no that's AAA I just came from AAA huh Stewie I think he's just a drunk well drunk or not can you help us I can if you want to join AA no I'm already a member of AAA I need help with the car oh I see yeah looks like you got
some water leakage you might need a hose eh Jose Roberto whatever if you got some Latinos up here that can fix cars that'd be great no I mean it looks like you need a part eh well yeah when it's fixed we can celebrate but let's deal with first things first well I can probably take you to a gas station eh you have cash yeah I don't know my name carries a little weight but I I don't see how that matters here look we we don't have enough cash to fix the car and we're kind of on our way to the Nort
h Pole oh a car won't take you there anyway but if you like you can take my snowmobile really you just give it to us oh sure that's what Canadian hospitality is all about if you like you can have all my money and my leg [Music] okay why' we take his leg well we're in their country Brian we have to observe their Customs oh oh dear well at least we're done with the first leg of our journey Brian H damn right huh [Music] ran how long do you think we've been driving I don't know I've lost track besi
des dogs don't have a good sense of time could be 3 hours could be 3 years I don't know well we must be pretty far north by now yeah you're right look there's the Aurora Borealis yes and there's the Aurora boranes hi there things are kind of beautiful up north huh oh no what's the matter we're out of gas out of gas but Brian it's freezing out here what are we going to do do I don't know we better think of something maybe I can help there's an old abandoned hunting cabin about 2 mil north of here
you could spend the night there and then resume your journey in the morning thanks David guess there are a few stars in the sky [Laughter] tonight come on come on now okay we'll leave you alone [Music] [Music] oh [Music] all right this should do for the night look Stewie now that we have a moment I I think we should really try to call Lois and tell her where we are oh don't worry I've got that covered hey Lois would you make an appointment for me to be neutered in 2 days but are you sure Brian
yes I'm sure and whatever I say in 2 days do not let me convince you that I've changed my mind wow you sound pretty serious about this Brian oh I am in fact I have this document that legally binds me to same have you had it notorized no but a notary should be here any minute I received a call about notorized a document but I am spending the day with my family so they are here too this is my wife Janice my daughters Lisa and Jane and this is Rosalyn a friend of our daughter Jane's her family life
is rough so we are kind of like a second home Roberts well it's true well thank you for taking the time to notarize this important document I'm sure you are quite busy yes we only have a moment for we are taking a bus tour of Providence and other [Music] places the next morning Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole they were cold and TI tied but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus as long as I've got all you people watching does anyone want to buy some
[Music] pot [Music] my God we made it Brian the North Pole see boom right there I told you this is where Santa Claus lives in your face I don't believe it it's here damn right it's here now while you think about the fact that you're never going to enjoy a nocturnal breastfeeding from Lois I shall open the [Music] [Music] gate this can't be be it this can't be Santa's Workshop this looks like Bridgeport Connecticut oh boy get ready for the letters dear Family Guy bastards who the hell do you thin
k you are I'll have you know that bridg part is among the world leaders in abandoned buildings shattered glass boarded up Windows wild dogs and gas stations without pumps so eat my Jew Riders well whatever sort of trick this is I will not be deterred I'm not leaving until Santa Claus is dead by my [Music] hand oh my God you're you're Santa Claus yeah who are you I'm Stewie Griffin and I'm going to kill you oh thank God what do it please put me out of my misery you want me to kill you what are yo
u waiting for fer well there isn't a great deal of sport in that oh my God are you all right I'm okay I'm okay I just need to catch my breath I I don't understand I I thought you were supposed to be jolly and happy I used to be a long time ago I made toys for little boys and girls I loved my work and they loved me but it just got out of hand the world's population kept growing and growing kids wanted more toys fancier toys we used to make wooden Choo Cho and rag dolls you ever try to make an iPo
d I've got orders for millions of them oh that reminds me I need a new version of Quicken look at the toxic waste we're producing in fact I think the toxins are taking even more of a toll than the inbreeding inbreeding take a look I started with one family of magic elves and every year I needed more and more to keep up now they're just a sickly race of mutated genetic disasters at least 60% of them are born [Music] blind the workload destroys them but they don't know anything else it's gotten so
their instincts take over and near the end they just walk out into the snow and [Music] die then the reindeer eat them which has turned the reindeer into wild feral creatures with a blood lust for Elf flesh I don't even pray for them anymore seems pointless what God would allow this this is in none of the the songs of poetry it's a horror show up here how could you let this happen me I didn't do this Christmas [Music] did each Bell would peel with a silvery Zeal as the holiday feeling was killi
ng us but now instead all we're feeling is dread because Christmas time is killing us L gets us more and more P the of existence is chilling us I'll tell you what shall your list up your butt because Christmas time is killing us but can't you see that what you do is a dream come true can't you see that every smile makes it all worthwhile no screw you it's all but through there's too much to do oh those dreams are nightmares and blank iy stairs each little elf used to fill up a shelf making play
things and selflessly thrilling us now they're un crack and it feels like you're rack because Christmas time is killing us train us fingers all bleed and look that guy just peed because Christmas time is killing us but can't you see our point of view we rely on you can't you see that Christmas cheer gets us through the year my whole crew is black and blue can't you take a clue you may think I look great but I'm 28 each Jingle Bell is a and well you think it's SW we are toing in Hell take a look
you can tell as a man I a because Christmas time is killing us killing us Christmas time is killing us [Music] so Brian and Stewie found Santa Claus but he sure wasn't what they expected it turned out the increasing demands of Christmas had all but destroyed the poor old man okay look at this somebody gave me a little remote control helicopter pretty cool ehh uh it's [Music] broken I don't know boys he's in rough shape doctor you've got to do something for him it's Christmas Eve Christmas is the
problem he can't keep this pace up anymore if he goes out tonight he'll die well then who's going to deliver all the presents we will what Stewie look you were right Santa is real and he needs our help don't worry Santa we'll make sure there's a Christmas this year thank you Brian that brings me peace in this hour I'll be with Allah soon what uh he doesn't know what he's saying he's delirious look you better get moving all right Stewie let's go get the sleigh ready is anyone else a little freak
ed out by that allaha thing never mind that let's just get [Music] going all right Brian let's do this go on up come on you dumb deer it's not working I think they need to be coaxed Santa said they eat elf flesh um oh oh excuse me uh Sir Mr elf sir hello young man I I don't think he even knows where he is did do you want to just yeah I mean I I'll just try and do it I guess hey hey fella um okay [Music] [Music] bye [Music] hey Brian look that one reindeer just kind of pooped in the other reindee
r's face and and the other reindeer just kind of ate it isn't Christmas [Music] magical all right according to this map we're approaching the Northeast Coast of the US get ready to [Music] land all right Bri this is it our first town I'm going to head for that roof why are we tilting look I've never landed one of these things before okay you're coming in too fast look [Music] out all right this is good in and out of this house and on to the next one what about the reindeer yeah we'll cut him dow
n afterwards now let's get down the chimney [Music] ow [ __ ] okay let's get the presents under the tree all right you have them I thought you had them oh for the love of God they're still in the sleigh a crap on the [Music] roof no it's it's in the yard oh my God didn't you unlock the door when we left no you were the last one out well how the hell are we going to get back inside all right find a rock whoa whoa whoa whoa what are you doing I'm putting out the presents not like that you're not t
all in the back short in the front and show some care for God's sake you know those those aren't socks and underwear donated by the fire department on battered women's shelter those are Santa gifts Brian you know you you have to what what are you doing did you just eat that whole cookie off the mantle what they left it out for Santa we's Santa yeah but you're not supposed to eat all of it you take a bite and a sip of milk that's how the kids know Santa was here don't yell at me I'm not yelling a
t you I'm just I'm I'm telling you how it's done they need some kind of indication that Santa was here oh okay how about this look hey now they know he was here see stop it look I'm here giving out free presents all right I'll eat the damn cookies if I want you know what I might even make a sandwich wait where are you going I'm going into the kitchen I'm going to make a sandwich get some chips or something Brian knock it off a man you jackass hey who the hell are you uh hello what are you doing
in my house we're Santa Claus yeah you're Santa Claus that's why you broke in through the window I'm calling the cops no no no no I I can explain we we we we we came down the chimney but we we forgot the presence it's actually It's Kind of a Funny Story what the hell did you do he was going to call the cops man you can't call the cops on Santa now help me move this guy's body he's still alive all right tie him up I'm going to make it look like a burglary all right look let's let let's just go ri
ght right we'll go I'm I'm just going to rewrap this bat for um Johnny let me just clean his father's blood and hair off it Daddy I want a drink of water hey there how you doing who are you I'm Santa you're Santa who are you where's Dan oh oh my god oh crap quick Stewie get the bat help help Mommy it's okay it's okay Brian see if you can find some duct tape oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God M all right let's get this place cleaned up all right that's the last of the blood go check on the k
id what other kid Johnny the one who's getting the bat Stewie there's only one bedroom up here what do you have a brother well then who the hell is John oh my God we're in the wrong house damn it we tripped the alarm Brian the cops are coming let's go what we're just leaving like this what about not wanting to ruin Christmas it's already ruined this was one house we've been here for an hour and a half an hour and first of all we're not even Santa anymore this has been a home invasion but an hour
and a half Brian it's going to be light in 6 hours and we have to deliver to the whole rest of the world there's two apartment buildings on this block alone no wonder Santa lost his mind this is ridiculous we can't do this nobody can it's inhuman all right come on let's get out of here oh damn what about the reindeer the hell with the reindeer look they're all eating each other anyway besides we don't need them I made a few modifications hang on [Music] that was a disaster I can't believe it we
were supposed to save Christmas and we completely blew it we failed Santa no no we didn't fail Santa the world failed Santa he gives and gives and gives and everyone just takes him for granted hell I I didn't even think he existed until last night but what are we supposed to do now Christmas is doomed maybe there is one thing we can do move [Music] over Lois there's no presence under the tree what oh my God Joe did you get any Christmas presents no me neither I got eight mediocre things good mo
rning Cog our top story today Santa Claus skips Christmas hopeful citizens worldwide woke up to disappointment this morning when they discovered no gifts from Santa under their Christmas trees local officials are going with the theory that everyone was bad this year the investigation continues into this mysterious wait I know what happened to Christmas Brian Santa Claus that's right it's Santa Claus and you've got to listen to me the reason there was no Christmas this year is that this man is si
ck very sick and he needs our help he's been bludgeon by years of greed and avarice the workload of filling our Christmas lists has overwhelmed him and at the rate he's going he may not make it another year but there's a way for us to help him if all of us everywhere can just cut back our demands and ask for only one Christmas present every year there may still be hope I know it's in our nature to resist sacrifice even in hard times but if we don't we may have to give up Christmas all together w
ell folks you heard it here first on Channel 5 News looks like we have a choice one Christmas gift a year for each one of us can we live with that I can so can I me too I can too I can live with that count me in one is enough I I can one gift is okay I can live with it okay just one but if it's a gym membership somebody's getting punched in the [Music] face dinging [Music] dinging [Music] n [Music] for [Music] [Music] we now return to Hotel TV the station that makes you feel like you're at a hot
el when you're not at a hotel have a romantic drink by The Concourse fountain or you can watch the big game at Choppers Bar and Grill where they'll be pouring till 2: a.m. or maybe you're in the mood for something a little more exotic try Jose Gate's Brazilian steakhouse with rooftop views plus a fine selection of Blended rum drinks at the end of the night you won't want to sa one not and you won't have to cuz Choppers is open where they're pouring till 2 a.m. should we go to chers we interrupt
this program to bring you a Channel 5 News special report good evening Cog I'm Tom Tucker tragedy struck Haiti today as the island nation was rocked by a major earthquake leaving thousands dead and injured coming up local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot there we go there there's Tom there's the star oh my God that's terrible about Haiti we got to do something to help no we don't relax I'm sure wlef Jean has got it all under control I've always talked about wanting to help in
these situations but I never follow through well this time I'm really going to do it I'm going to start a blood drive good for you Lois you'll be a local hero like Paul rever the British will be here soon we shall stand our ground and fight them to the death yes yes although I mean one of us should probably warn everyone you know that the British are coming I mean not me I mean I want to fight I mean oh shoot I've got the horse I mean but if anyone else wants to go I'll go no one all right I'll
make sure everyone remembers your [Music] names wow Lois you really got a great turnout for the blood drive oh yeah the whole thing's going off without a hitch except for that mosquito who keeps trying to sneak in Hi I'm the new nurse get out of here this blood's not for you aw oh look an empty Tire with some water in it all right I'm happy again I'm going to go ahead and thank you for donating blood today donating I thought we were getting paid PE everyone else here is donated except you that'
s not true that guy over there didn't donate that's still you Peter oh well if I got to donate he's got to donate too you get in here sucker son of a [ __ ] leis leis mommy Stewie what's going on you should be asleep by now I can't sleep Brian where's the woman I need her to read me a bedtime story oh she's busy with the blood drive maybe I can help how about I read you this book it's called apathetic George George used to be a curious monkey but after a month in captivity all he did was wait fo
r food the zoo people wanted him to mate but he lost interest in that too 20 years and millions of dollars in zoo Revenue later he died okay I've had enough all right you know what I know something that'll help you sleep wait here well I hope so because I've tried everything counting sheep thinking sleepy thoughts I even hired the Sandman sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and good night okay I'll give you a tiny bit of this it should help you sleep what is it it's cough syrup it'
s not really for kids but a cap full is pretty harmless so this is what Lil Wayne keeps almost dying from this is so relaxing I could get used to this like the way I got used to wearing European diapers don't mind me I'm just grabbing a little cheese and Veno if anybody needs me I'll be poolside next to my weirdly hot girlfriend with dark [Music] teeth well Lois I'm done giving blood just ask this guy is true Lois I sucked him dry he gave a blood donation as well P don't knock it off just give s
ome blood get your cookie and be done with it cookie yes Peter there are cookies for everyone who donates well I already ate two wedding cakes but I guess I could go for a cookie all right I'll do it Peter you're doing a good thing thanks Lois but you got to promise you'll warn me before they stick that needle in me actually we just finished well that wasn't so bad see Peter and now you can have a cookie oh awesome oh oh my God these are delicious lo you made these yeah I found one of my grandmo
ther's old recipes so I thought I'd make a special batch for the blood drive well I'm glad you did these cookies are amazing they're even tastier than Connie Britain's hair God your hair is delicious who are you I'm the guy who killed your [Music] bodygard coming this fall to every Network your favorite sitcom lines preceded by the word uh uh knock [Laughter] much uh that just happened uh so I guess this is a a thing now uh yeah no uh Awkward TV that thing you used to watch oh these are incredib
le hey you know something if we sold these we could make a ton of money maybe we should open our own cookie store are you serious yeah why not I mean if George Foreman can make electric grills we can do this I mean I've seen that guy get punched in the face a thousand times and now he's making science stuff who'd think that idiot would still be walking around and Muhammad Ali can't even talk anymore you know having our own store could be kind of fun and you'd really do it with me absolutely oh P
eter that actually sounds kind of romantic I always wanted you and me to work on a project together oh let's do it all right now let's turn up the TV real loud so the kids can't hear us having sex sex sex [Music] there's my handsome business partner now we can't be late for our meeting with the bank that's so cool you guys are going to open a business yeah well I got a ton of business experience I mean I had that job creating ads for the North Dakota border tourism hi do you like South Dakota bu
t don't want to see Mount Rushmore come to North Dakota it's just a very long drive from wherever you live best of all most of the good license plates aren't taken yet imagine coming here and having Cool D dud or yay Jews or Fu Jews depending on where you stand on Jews North Dakota we're not even the best deota Stewie what are you doing huh oh Brian oh there you are I've been I've been looking all over the table for you you know I going to tell you this stuff you gave me was a lifesaver last nig
ht I was out like a light and you know normally I'm up five or six times to scream and defecate but but you know what I slept straight through Stewie I told you there's alcohol in that it's not for kids you're not for kids Stewie you're drunk oh listen oh Brian's all serious oh I don't I don't drink in the morning because I've got to land a plane right come on I got to drive you to daycare okay okay it's all right calm down calm down oh I think I I think I put my shoes on the wrong feet is it 9:
15 already Lois we got to go you know I've got all the papers for the loan officer but I got to admit I'm a little nervous don't worry we're going to get this loan no problem and if you get nervous just do what I always do picture your audience naked good afternoon Mr and Mrs Griffin yeah get that enormous thing out of my face I'll be your loan officer so why don't you have a seat and tell me about your business our business is cookies now let me ask you a question you ever heard of money yes go
od good we're on the same page now sir let me ask you something else can you name one successful company that isn't cookie based Microsoft Peter I'll handle this my husband and I would like to open a cookie store we've done all the research and I'm very confident we can turn a profit I've brought some samples if you'd like to try one she said one take one well these are delicious let me just run this by my supervisor yes Mr and Mrs Griffin this bank would like to help you start your business rea
lly that's fantastic and if you have any other questions you can call me at any time hello how far away are the [Music] stars Brian Brian hold on one second I'll be right with you Mr duckford Brian what let's all I was just thinking let's order a kebab a what a kebab but I but I want it in this order vegetable meat meat vegetable meat and uh Mr duckford would like some quackers can I leave now no no Bri no you can't I Brian I need your help I've made a series of small poops in my bath and I need
you to scoop them out with this fishnet yeah I'm not doing that you have to you're my butler not your butler I know but wouldn't it be great if you were itd i''d be so happy in fact the only thing that would make me happier is would if would be if this tub was filled with yogurt can you can you get me some yogurt is the yogurt shop still open is this is there some place to dial up yogurt stop saying that what's the best skin yogurt who who can prepare me a nice yogurt treatment if you say it li
ke that one more time I'm going to drown you you're good H see you're not you're not going to do anything hey hey Brian am I a good little [Music] guy this space will be perfect Peter yeah it sure will Lois now all we got to do is name the store oh oh I got it Peter's wife's cookies I love it and I love you really yes you know we did so so building a family but this business I think we can really knock it out of the park oh we sure can Lois we're going to be a great team like Moses and his buddy
who like to collect seashells yay I can't believe it Peter our first day of business all right well we have got work to do so let's roll up our sleeves and get right to it there's a lot to do so we can't be afraid afraid to just roll up our sleeves and get the job done we can't be hands-off managers we got to roll up our sleeves and just dig in Peter your arms are turning purple purple with success that's the color of money you got to do the work of Two Men and pay yourself for one just roll up
those sleeves and address the task at hand whatever it may be not shying away from the dirty work but just rolling up our sleeves and having at it success is not given it is taken it's time to get in the game and get dirty all right I'm going to lunch yes I'd like a chocolate chip cookie Elmer what Mom you promised I could get a cookie if I finished all my surgery did you yeah all of it um get back there I'm going to do it what does it matter when I do [Music] it Lois Lois lock the door why it'
s that lady who comes in tries a sample and then whispers about how bad she is hey oh my God you have ch chocolate macadamia nut oh could I just try a little sample oh I'm so bad uh sure you going to buy a cookie this time oh I better just stick with the sample I'm so bad but at least I know I'm bad so that makes me a little less bad or worse that was the right thing to do [Music] Peter boy it's been really slow I mean if it doesn't pick up soon we're not going to stay in business very long don'
t you worry Lois you keep baking I'll drum up some business I just got to think outside the box like the makers of dry as ice cream guys I've said it before and I'll say it again when people go to the supermarket they need something to look at before they choose [Music] hogendas hey dude can you pass me a spec of Spas sorry bro all out you want a cube of fro no I'm not into fro I got got to tear a laser dragon can I handle that I don't know can you gum what the hell is going on I don't know what
to do you guys the Cookie Shop is tanking if it fails we're screwed my God what does it take to get people to buy a damn cookie Peter let me tell you something I spend $600 a month on scented candles at the farmers market just because there's a hot chick selling them so what are you saying you just bragging about candles it's a weird thing to brag about no I'm saying sex cells trust me you get a few hotties in that Cookie Shop of yours I bet your sales will go up giggity that was an unearned gi
ggity Quagmire I said up no no no well I'll try anything Quagmire cuz I actually like running that Cookie Shop it's way better than that job I had telemarketing the buttholes hello sorry wrong number hello sorry wrong number and how are you today sh oh my God customers what the hell P what did you do I saved our business and don't worry I only hired women whose names are cookie related Lois meet cookie sugar spice cinnamon brown sugar and butter oh hey butter some guys like butter [Music] Peter
you turned our store into a strip club and I don't like what this place has become you mean hugely profitable we made all that today well it was twice as much but I had a bailout Cinnamon's kid thanks Mr Peter this guy is the best well I guess business is better than ever It's Des Spirit Lois just you watch we'll be a bigger success than Richard Branson Hey where's the the business guy in this boardroom it couldn't be that tan long-haired guy with the white linen pants could it it is and now to
my amphibious Sky submarine I have way too much [Music] money come on get get down there you old bag there we go Stewie what are you doing being awesome whoa wait wait you're in no condition to drive I'm fine to drive I'm so fine you I can do all the tests see I can touch my nose I can touch my head shoulders knees and toes knees and toes stop it now you stop it you stop it Brian you're interfering with my professional business where's the radio I God are you okay no I don't feel so good we shou
ld probably exchange numbers okay I'm a 10 you're a [Music] [Applause] four this one's our new chocolate white chocolate and for every dozen we sell we donate 50 cents to Operation Smile yeah nobody's listening to you they're all watching sugar write frosting swears on her jugs she just wrote vagina on her boobs that doesn't even make any sense she's doing what I told her 10 minutes ago to put another batch of oatmeal in the oven oh that dough is gone Lois I warmed it up and put it behind those
waist high holes in the wall is it spaghetti a bowl of grapes o this is the best haunted house ever Peter this is disgusting I know we made a few changes but this store should still be about selling cookies well you're never going to sell any looking like that there now you're ready to sell cookies you know what that's it I'm done I don't know why I ever let you tuck me into this this whatever this is now it's a strip club that gives away free cookies [Music] oh crap I should have known somethin
g was up when I saw all those cars out front Stewie why don't you come and have a seat with all your friends here we have something to say to you I'll go first Stewie I remember the day you were born I thought to myself here's a kid who's got a white empty canvas stretched out in front of him oh please what who what is this what is this the circle of perfect people who you to judge me m Mr Mr giraffe who lets little boys grind on his rump Mr octopus who lets little boys grind on his rump everyon
e of you has your own problems yeah but you're the only one who almost killed a kid yesterday yeah well that's that's because that that's because that kid that's that's that that's because that kid that I know oh Brian who am I I don't have a cough and my sinuses are ably wide open but I have a problem good admitting it is the first step but don't worry I'll get you through it thank you Brian you're welcome Stewie now if you'll excuse me I have to go to Chris's room we're doing a masturbation in
tervention I got a bunch of his friends sitting in a circle in there oh dear God oh hey Lois before you say anything there's something important I want to tell you after you left I ate cookies off the stomach of a 20-year-old and then I vomited and all the girls laughed at me and then it came out that they all think I'm fat and old is that it I guess what I'm trying to say is I was wrong to choose sexiness over my wife Peter what are you doing what what was that oh back at the store I uh tucked
my boner into the waistband in my pants and now it's sitting weird that's your apology well that and N I'll PE that did did you bake this yeah I love you Lois I really liked having a store with you and I'm I'm sorry I messed it up I was only trying to help I know Peter so you want to split this with me I wouldn't but it helped me with it and she has chyia fingers well it was fun having our own store but from now on my cookies are only for these customers oh mom so Mom what are you going to do wi
th the shop well I talked to the bank and they agreed to take it back me love cookie where you going I'm going to Quagmire to get some hand-me-downs his dad mom sent over some boxes of men's clothes from back before the old chippity choppity ah you shouldn't wear people's old dirty clothes well I'm a dirty Guy Lois haven't you ever seen my naughty late night party line commercials hey are you lonely do you like to party with hot girls what about horsing around with fat guys well what are you wai
ting for give us a call I'll be on the toilet wearing a t-shirt that's so long I have to hold it under my chin while I wipe wow your dad doesn't use this Dicky anymore that's crazy why would anyone get rid of a perfectly good Dicky I see what you're doing doing and cut it out hey what are these oh my God I haven't seen these in years what do you got there some kind of home movie from the Orient no no this is winter summer it was a Korean soap opera that I was in you were in a Korean soap opera y
eah back when the Navy had me stationed in Busan I saw an ad in the paper for guys over 5'4 and I was the only one who showed up next thing I know I'm on TV playing a guy named American Johnny wow I didn't even know you could act you also didn't know I was a rock polisher take a look at that oh my what is that that's tiger eye [Music] [Music] extraordinary holy crap Quagmire you speak Korean n not really they just told me how to sound the words out phonetically so you never knew what you were ac
tually saying No in fact at the height of the show I did a whole prenal mutilation PSA that I really regret wow that girl's hot that's a guy that other guy's handsome that's a girl that cat is cute that's a dog what is everything oh my God if he son and Bong W don't get together I'm going to kill myself you're crazy bangwa is completely dishonorable he brought a personal item to [Music] work you die oh my God no way I told you I told you wow I guess he didn't die in the vending [Music] machine w
hat it's over should we put in the next one of course we should we are binge watching this whole show I mean I haven't been Ling to something since the sh Shank Redemption yes um after you escaped into the hole how did you perfectly reattach the rockel Welch poster from inside the hole with a tartness that a rock could Pierce does it really matter it does to me did you even like the movie I did very much up until that [Music] point [Music] [Music] [Music] oh my God Quagmire give me the last tape
huh sorry guys there are no more tapes what where's the the last one he's right oh my God what do we do Quagmire tell us what happened did his son live to have the baby did Kim secure a position at the hydroelectric plant I don't know I don't remember how can you not remember it was 20 years ago we shot out of order I I never even knew what I was saying I didn't care I was living the life just banging chicks and eating cabbage you know a crap what do we do about our show now I know how that Ger
man movie producer felt all right Fredick now that World War II is over we can get back to making comedies again get me these comedy writers uh I don't think any of these guys are available what this is terrible get me my agent he's uh he's probably not going to answer either well this is crazy what happened oh I remember what happened that episode's not online anywhere I even tried the Korean search engine Bing Bong that's not real all right it's not but Quagmire we need that episode we got to
know what happened guys I'm sorry but it was years ago and it never aired outside Korea so we go to Korea yes buying tickets come on guys it's just a dumb forgotten TV Show Quagmire we have to know how winter summer ends this show is our whole life now yeah if we don't find that tape we're screwed like anybody who goes scuba diving with Dave Navaro [Music] [Music] all right gang me and the guys are off to Korea to find the last episode of a soap opera Quagmire was in Peta this is ridiculous what
am I supposed to do with work calls just do what I do hold the phone up to any episode of who's the Boss Griffin it's been 4 days why haven't you come to work Angela of course it's me you know I've got half a mine to fire you Angela oh I can't stay mad at you I'll see you when I see you oh [Music] oh man Epcot nailed Asia American [Music] Johnny holy crap Quagmire you're famous here it's American Johnny American Johnny is back I take a picture with a giant Samsung phone giant Samsung phone is a
lso tiny Kia car [Music] welcome American Johnny we give our only best room for you would you like smoking or chain smoking uh smoking I guess yes and how many ridiculous things would you like your toilet to do do you have one that goes yum yum yum yum yum ah presidential site well Donna's mother died but we should probably head out to find the last episode of that Korean soap opera yeah where's Peter oh he went to get plastic surgery he did yeah Korea's the plastic surgery capital of the world
nobody here thinks you look good unless you have big round eyes and a tiny little nose and Chin hey guys Peter are you all right you know what I feel good I feel like I want to giggle behind my hand at a lot of things and hold but not eat a big ice cream cone [Music] there were more birds than videos in there yeah no sign of winter summer Glenn Glenn Quagmire so Jim it's he son from the show I don't believe it she's so beautiful she's so beautiful how did you find me I heard that American Johnny
was was back so I started following you on the new where American Johnny app I already L from that dance for me Hillary Duff it's so great to see you sujen you look just as pretty as ever I've waited every day hoping you would return and I never stopped thinking of youuh were you guys involved we were Peter Korean OMG so Jin we actually came here to find the last episode of winst summer would you happen to have it of course can we see it why yes tonight Glenn you and your friends must come to m
y home for gross Korean dinner man look at them they make such a cute couple like Pac-Man and Miss [Music] Pac-Man I'm so happy you o could make it tonight we will have many things you will nibble at and not eat then then I will give you a pizza yeah yeah that's great hey can we watch that last episode of winter summer now we will watch together after dinner in the meantime feel free to watch Korean pop [Music] videos what is this and how can I make the rest of my life about it dinner will be re
ady soon but Glenn I have a surprise for you do you remember Buttercup where's Buttercup oh my God I can't believe Buttercup is still alive alive and well wait a minute you named a cat Buttercup only Quagmire and you know Glenn after you moved away Buttercup had kittens what that's right you're a grandfather my God this is more [ __ ] than even I can handle if is he going to say giggity should I say giggity are other people allowed to say giggity giggity what nothing it's [Music] stupid oh that
was a great dinner sujen I've missed you so much I've forgotten how happy we make each other okay I'm done with this sweet rice water that has a pine nut floating in it nice dessert by the way can we wash the thing now of course here it is the last episode of winter summer oh my God this is everything I've dreamed of well this and becoming a half man half horse give up these legs don't be [Music] absurd [Music] why why would American Johnny leave Korea he had everything love a family why would h
e go back to his sad pathetic bachelor life in America he's got nothing there why would he ever want to go home okay qum let's go home well you know you know what you're right Peter American Johnny never should have left it was the only time he was ever happy what what are you saying Hey sing you your TV says it's 21:00 what is that in real time I'm saying I'm not going back to Cog what but we we've seen the last episode we did what we came here to do Peter everything you just said is true I don
't have anyone waiting for me in COG but here I've got Su Jin I've got Buttercup and our grand cats I've got a family I'm not going to make the same mistake American Johnny did I'm staying here will Quagmire stay in Korea will Peter find a new friend find out after this Goan commercial Ashton ccher thought no one in America would ever see hi I'm Ashton Kutcher have you ever killed a dog while driving drunk and then been upset that there was no way for your car engine to cook it for you on the re
st of the drive home well those days are over thanks to the Dr Lee's pet engine cooking bag just put the dog in the bag place it over the engine block and drive your usual 20 m per hour over the speed limit Bow Wow I'm Ashton Kutcher and remember Dr Lee's pet engine cookie bags are not meant for babies but they can be used for [Music] babies quagar you can't stay in Korea we all got lives back in cohor that's just it Peter you have lives you guys all have wives and kids and I have nothing waitin
g for me back there but here I have a family plus commercial pilots around here can just fly their plane into the ocean if they want Peter's right we can't just leave you here who am I going to get all my wiener jokes from you're my wiener guy Jo I got him from a book well I wish I didn't know that don't peek behind the curtain huh sorry guys you're not going to changed my mind I just feel like I belong here with Su Jin what are you going to do it's a powerful thing when a woman pays you even th
e slightest bit of attention yeah God knows I've been there welcome to Chili's with [Music] through can't believe Quagmire isn't coming back with us Donna's mother it was suicide you guys want to check out Brazil while we're out we just got to accept that Quagmire has made his decision there's nothing we can do about it yeah I guess as far as Quagmire is concerned he's totally Korean [Music] now guys there's only one way to get through to a Korean through their m music uhhuh yeah we can try your
[Music] thing mother shell about a lizard Quagmire you're making a mistake Cog is where you belong that's right and if you won't listen to us maybe you'll listen to um us but singing [Music] quagmire quagmire H your new romance has you lost in an Asian TR so we're breaking the spell with a Kpop dance in our booty pants everything in this land is complete nonsense even worse Kim Jong-un lives across that F come home where you belong Cog is your home quagar who wants to live in Korea their name s
ounds like Gia so quag please tell them she come on come on come on home cwk is your homey whiskey stakes and giant bongs Ricky Lake and how we long giant boobies firm and strong only in the USA hey come on home today confusing dance break random names of snacks now candy CW marshmallow candy coh marshmallow you only belong in cohort you really love pushy day eat dog so please run don't again come on come on come on home is your home boy [Music] sorry guys I know those New York Giants jerseys we
ren't cheap but I'm staying here and that's final well I pressed our matching beige pants suits for tomorrow good night who's that this is my grandfather he is going to live with us in the Asian tradition so will the rest of my aunts uncles and cousins they will of course and have you met Great Grandma I can see through her it is she a ghost we don't know she won't answer tomorrow you take her to town to buy root vegetable after that you will get psychopath haircut so you look like one of us wha
t's the matter Glenn you don't seem completely emotionless no no no no I am I am I'm emotionless good night Glenn oh and just so you know three of my cousins have night terrors oh no it's crazy we're going home without Quagmire what are we going to do without him rent his house to a sorority enjoy the babes [Music] huh goodbye quag Maya we're going to miss you buddy guys wait who wants to live in Korea their name sounds like garia CW marshmallow candy cwk marshmallow what I'm trying to say is gu
ys I'm coming back to Cog with you you are oh that's great wait won't that upset Sujin and your new Korean family what are you kidding they all got to be in a K-Pop song that's all anyone here wants look great grandma is so happy she finally died and became a ghost thanks again for convincing me to come home guys no problem Quagmire looks like Donna's mother's funeral went well odd choice to have an open casket for a gunshot suicide yep I thought I wanted a family but I love having no responsibi
lities here I can get drunk whenever sleep with anyone and just hide in my house and avoid the world if I feel like it wow that's great and totally doesn't sound like symptoms of clinical depression I heard you gentleman went to South Korea yeah well that's cool we went to Lake havu you losers we [Music] naps we got the house guys your iPad flashlight is on God she's old what house Mom the Airbnb in N Tucket we wanted for the 4th of July there was a cancellation so I swooped right in and scooped
it up the Pelican strikes again the Pelican yeah some people call me that cuz I swoop and scoop who calls you that some people who it's really catching on from who look everybody just pack your bags because we leave tomorrow I thought you said July 4th it's October yeah but we always celebrate our holidays off peak to save money I don't know this feels forced oh come on you kids are all getting older we are running out of time to do stuff together as a family plus this is our first Airbnb that'
s a huge mom Milestone you know I heard that every time someone says Airbnb a white woman can hear it from 5 miles away sounds like the Pelican got her Airbnb [Music] [Applause] [Music] who I've never been to Nantucket it's pretty nice yeah I like that everyone arriving gets a personal serenade from James Taylor oh I've seen Chris and I've seen Meg I've seen Burger rappers crumbled by the legs you know I heard his backstage Rider is just a single carton of oat [Music] milk this place is pretty t
ight mom I know look at the sign in the kitchen but first coffee yeah yeah that first that makes no sense in what way we don't know what the choices are so how can we definitively say but first coffee but that's the point it doesn't matter whatever it is first coffee wait what if our kids having a heart attack God forbid oh still but first coffee well I don't think what if a 911 hops through the window with a dynamite vest are we free to scatter or must we Face the blast mug in hand I just thoug
ht it was a fun sign is all oh look at them when was the last time you saw the kids play together like this huh no clue I do most of my parenting with my eyes closed you know it's this house sometimes all a family needs is a change of scenery to strengthen their bond yeah that are a three them yeah oh you can't even make it through a twosome or a onesome you are very close to being a sit in a chair and watch guy my C ologist said the same thing okay guys everyone pick out one souvenir from the t
rip is a seagull a seagull is not a souvenir what about no birds the stores here in the off season are kind of sad most of them are empty yeah but I do like that James Taylor sings a personal serenade every time one closes for the season the sign goes up as the sun goes down another year in the books she put the fun in funnel cakes or at least that's what I see on that board ah Sweet edgeless Rock and Roll you could shave a baby's head with it Brian what is that that's saltwater taffy what have
you never tried it before I have four teeth if it's not applesauce I'm unfamiliar Taffy is like the official candy of vacations they have free samples we should take some yes free samples is my favorite way to slowly sink a business [Music] wow this is incredible it tastes like a memory of a life well lived yeah that and like a little bit of mint you know it's the end of the season so all that Taffy is on sale if we buy it in bulk and bring it back to Cog we'd make a killing that's a great idea
we are going to make more money than cryptocurrency Carl I'll take you to one one condition you make everything matte black okay matte black the world baby now let me just check my portfolio yes no yes no yes no I feel so recharged after that trip a total recharge weekend don't you feel recharged Peter if by recharged you mean the slight change of routine short circuited my colon so I can only poop at 3:00 a.m. then yes I feel extremely recharged you know what we had such a great time I'm just g
oing to book another visit to that house huh that's weird but I can't book it what the hell the owner of the house gave us a zero star review she she said we stole something I'm banned from Airbnb ooh tough break for the pelican [Music] okay which one of you little rats stole something from that house and don't lie to me I'm your mother I can feel your lies and my ovaries the doctor said those were cysts from your lies they're not going to talk Lois I say we hook him up to the lie detector Peter
that's not a lie detector that's a ride on sex machine it is well it got me to sing like a bird stop rolling it into rooms mom we didn't take anything from the house did the owner say what was stolen Maybe was just a misunderstanding you know you're probably right I'll contact the owner and clear it up oh yeah I think this is all going to work itself out Chris can you grab that W next to you and crank the speed up to [Music] Hummingbird hi Dy it's Lois from this weekend had such a great time wi
th my family three exclamations three smiley faces thank you again for hosting prayer hands emoji your flashlight still on you old [ __ ] I just wanted to reach out about the review you left you said we stole something shocked Emoji I think there was a mistake LOL I talked to my family and no one took anything should a shrug Emoji anyway would love to help clear this up best Lois Griffin three hot emojis and an accidental letter M when I hit send a bottle of shampoo oh I smell like one of those
Farmers Market candles I never buy oh that forgot to grab one for Chris you absolute ancient [Music] hag all right Brian if we're going to go door to door and sell all this we need a game plan so let's practice you and I walk up to a CL I's house walking walking walking we're walking walking walking oh up the steps and we knock on the door knock knock nothing nothing then they answer freeze now what do we tell the client we're selling Taffy wrong the first thing every salesman needs to sell is h
imself write it down I didn't bring a pen or paper all right after we sell ourselves what do we tell the client we're selling Taffy wrong never tell the client what you're selling the second you tell them what we're selling they'll know what we're selling right wrong yeah I might need a pen and paper the second thing a Salesman needs to sell is an emotion all right let's just skip ahead I'll be the client okay you've sold yourself barely you've sold an emotion Nostalgia now what are you selling
tap don't you dare come to my house and tell me what you're selling yeah I'm having a hard time tracking this oh you're having a hard time do you see what I'm doing here do you see my hand this gesture says that I'm in a domestic abuse situation and you're doing nothing you're just standing there not even telling me what you're selling Taffy [Music] wrong so Mom did you ever find out what was stolen from that Nantucket house I did funny story never is it was a bottle of shampoo I must have packe
d in my bag oh no way you did it how does your fat foot taste Mom apparently taking the rest of a tiny bottle of shampoo is considered stealing nowadays answer the question about the foot how big was the bottle it was small I thought you said it was Tiny would it pass through airport security that's the threshold it was very little oh now it's little you're all over the place may we see the bottle I would love to show you the bottle then you'll see how ridiculous this is okay so this din is not
one of her best efforts right big whiff I agree okay let's pile that on too yo that's borderline huge mom the size is misleading there was there was barely any liquid left in it it was butter into a finish it made an audible thud when you put it down I hated tonight's chicken I am not wrong here okay we paid a lot of money for that house and taken the ass end of a shampoo bottle barely makes a dent into their Hall there definitive proof that your mother always describes big things as being small
er than they are did you hear that Chris we've all seen it Dad [Music] a good afternoon Mr quag mile H salesman look I'm going to be straight with you you see this coin purse it contains $87 which is what I allow myself to spend on Superfluous purchases every week it is currently open just like my ears if you wow me with your pitch the money is yours if it closes you have lost the sale now let's hear it so as you can see we have all the classic flavors it's like a vacation in a box all the fun o
f the the beach without that pesky commute I don't know I only like taffy when it's got cute little jokes in them something to laugh at while you doing all that cheer win who doesn't love laughing that's why our Taffy comes with jokes too it does this is Brian's personal phone number every time you eat a Taffy call that number and he'll tell you a joke hello hi I'm eating my Taffy what time is it very late I work nights and I like to have a treat while I watch my infomercials joke please oh okay
um uh What uh why why did the house go to the doctor because it had window panes oh that's good I'm going call you again in 10 minutes when I have another piece yep I swallowed quicker than I thought do you know how awful it feels to be labeled a thief for something as silly as a small bottle of shampoo yeah I heard the bottle wasn't that small what where did you hear that Joe and I have eerily quiet dinners we can hear all your family's conversation mhm okay you know I'm going to get a knife f
or this cheese oh let me get that for you there my grandmother's knives so I'm going to need you to sign out which one you use okay that's enough I see what's happening here you think I'm a thief I can't believe you're not on my side I heard the bottle had a pump a pump who else are you talking to about this I'm on a couple of text chains discussing it oh God okay I got to fix this I am bringing that shampoo back to n Tucket it's the only way buckets did you come in with this chapstick yes I'll
uh check the [Music] tape oh thanks for agreeing to meet me here Daddy of course Belle over the door Cafe has the best coffee on the island you know I wanted to clear the air with you about that bottle of shampoo it turns out we did take it by mistake I I feel terrible so I wanted to return it to you personally oh that's so nice you didn't have to drive all this way you could have just put it in the mail oh no the mail is so impersonal it was important I did this in person well thank you again s
o now that this is settled I was thinking maybe you could change your review oh I'm sorry no I can't do that but but I returned the bottle Lois I write the reviews of my guests based on their behavior wild they're in my home and you stole the shampoo and you only brought it back because you got caught so if anything you're proving what I wrote about you was correct daddy dot d look I am on my back here my legs are in the stirups forceps have been utilized there was some sort of suction and still
that's not enough I'm not changing it can we turn that Bell off that Bell was the only item recovered from a shipwreck that devastated our Island entire families were torn apart and why am I telling you James Taylor wrote a whole song about it 94 Souls set out on that day and only a bell came back and it sings ding a ding ding a ringer ding ding ding a ringer ding ding shut up James Taylor things can happen in New England without you needing to sing about it I think you should leave okay you wi
n daddy you got your shampoo back and you officially got me cancelled this isn't being cancelled I think it is it's not shut up James Taylor you don't scare me lady I was married to Carly [Music] Simon you stole the shampoo Lois I'm not changing the review I heard it had a pump ring ring ding ding no I can't let her in stop the fairy we haven't left yet [Music] [Applause] [Music] ma'am what's your weakness Daddy I am going to find it oh God Lois no more CH for [Music] you oh door Dash that's it
okay time to do a choppy FaceTime with the kids hey Lois when are you coming home Stewie poop tub Stewie what poop tub I with an oven mitt what with an oven mitt what hi Mom oop up who everybody poop the tub more poop than water come home ding ding ring ring ringer ding ding ring ding ding ring ding ding ring ding ding ring ring ring ding ding ring a ringer ding ding ding [Music] ding this is terrible Brian we've barely sold any boxes nobody likes Taffy yeah I guess without the Salt Air and ocea
n views it's just subpar gum what are we going to do we sunk a lot of money into this we need to Pivot it's not selling as candy so we need to repackage it as something people actually want let's brainstorm okay H you know I'm really not liking your brainstorming face that very unlikable eyebrow movement sh I got it I got it colored layered sand in bottles that's a whole different bad idea okay what about bottles with layered sand in it that's different colors that's the same thing except with t
he words in a different order we're never going to sell all this stuff unless we can find a big enough group of suckers to trick into taking it off our hands well we found him Stewie rebranding this Taffy as chean on was a stroke of genius yep and when we told Joe Rogan it cured Co we were off God bless our stupid stupid country hello Daddy Lois what are you doing here I brought you dinner and delivery complete all what was would you look at that it looks like it's my turn to give someone a revi
ew what after every delivery drivers get to rate their experience with the customer wouldn't it be a shame if one of only two door Dash drivers on the island gave you a poor review well they might ban you from the app daddy you might actually have to leave the house for food during the winter season hey what do you want money no no no no no here's what's going to happen daddy you're going to take out your phone open up Airbnb then change that review okay type the following would would host host
again again send so that's it this is over that's it this is over you know what Daddy I did steal that shampoo you did you're damn right I did I was always going to steal that shampoo and do you know why because when I stood in your shower and rubbed that peach orchard scented bottle of bliss into my hair I felt like somebody else I felt like somebody who maded somebody who had enough disposable cash that she could buy a scented shampoo that's what a bnbs do Daddy they make you feel like you're
living a fairy tale life and I wanted that feeling to last and it did also I opened your locked closet and put on your wedding dress I ate yogurt in it oh my God yeah oh my God because that's what Lois Griffin does really I should be thanking you for reminding me of who I am a secret little psycho with very little to lose and there's a million of us out there and you're just welcoming us all into your homes so if you ever think of giving someone a bad review again remember this we know where you
live Airbnb what are you doing it's your house [Music] well it all worked out what oh I said it all worked out I got my reputation back on Airbnb and Daddy got a come up and I don't know what you're talking about and I don't care oh I just thought we could share some conversation to pass the time you're the lady who yelled at me in the coffee shop you think I give a crap about anything you have to say kind of thought you'd have a helicopter James Taylor Carly got it in the [Music] divorce hurry
Brian they're gaining on [Music] us damn it we're surrounded crap they got away better the boss damn I'm not getting a smoke signal [Music] here damn Stewie what the hell did you do I know I know I messed up I messed up you went back to 17th century Jamestown and you gave guns to the Indians and now they're running everything I said I messed up all right I guess I just have this pathological need to be liked well it's not a good trait oh come on don't say that let me buy you lunch thanks to you
the Indians killed all the white people and took over America I mean you're the one who's always saying never alter the past oh come on Brian let's be honest I frequently alter the past all right so I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways hey Judas he ordered like five Margaritas all you had was a salad you know it actually looks like the Native Americans have done all right for themselves they do seem to have a lot of shops and it looks like they have medical care as well ma'am I'm sorry but I've
done this several times today and your husband just isn't responding well have you tried this ma'am this is a place of medicine and their popular music is interesting and here it is the number one song for the 10,000th week in a rower well no matter we better restore things to the way they were let's go back to Jamestown and undo oh dear what what is it the return pad looks like it took some bullets during our Escape doesn't seem to be working H what what what what is that what is that H what a
re you looking for what are you looking for specifically yeah that's right but I'm afraid our only hope is that perhaps the alternate Stewie in this universe has created his own time machine that we can use well let's hope so because otherwise they're going to kill us yeah I'll stick us on some kind of white people reservation don't give them any money they're just going to spend it all on devil [Music] eggs well there's my Brave Warrior how was work today I was so annoying annoying everyone was
coming around with their daughters selling Girl Scout corn made me feel so guilty I had to buy like 20 ears hey shot in the dark but uh is anyone else in the mood to run really fast in One [Music] Direction look there it is and it looks like he has a return pad too all right come on let's get back to James town and set things [Music] right look there you are giving them the guns what the hell are you doing there you told me you were checking on the horses well she's a sizable woman that's what
I meant all right come on we've got to get those guns back hey hi how are you today good to see you listen we've just been informed that these guns are defective uh we're from The Gun Company um anyway you know how we like to take things back from you people well we're going to go ahead and take these back that's right we're from gunco shut up you're blowing it where are you taking guns Brian grab the return pad get him pale face they're gone we can talk normal [Music] now well everything looks
like it should only one way to be certain okay let's do a quick search here Native American Role Models zero results found looks like we did it Brian oh thank God hey what are you going to do with all those guns I don't know sell them to some messed up [Music] kid the hell is that [Music] Stewie oh my God what are you doing this time machine has almost killed us a 100 times Brian and yesterday was just too close a call so I've decided to get rid of it before something irreparable happens but Ste
wie your your time machine it's like your crowning achievement I I can't believe you just destroy it trust me Brian it's for the best and hey at least I've had some fun with it do you know what I did last week I time traveled ahead to Christmas so I wouldn't have to wait all year for the new toys to come out wow good timing little fella this just came out today yeah I kind of knew that already would you like to donate an extra dollar to the Cog Food Bank oh sure and would you like to come home a
nd clean my toilet while we're both doing stuff for each [Music] other well I guess that's it this is like the end of an era oh sack up you twink it's just a machine God look at all the perfectly good stuff that people just throw out for no reason I don't know it's mostly twin mattresses if you have a twin mattress aren't you pretty much a failure as a human being no I mean it like here look at this street hockey net it's in great shape you know we should take this home and set it up get some fr
esh air get some exercise and I suppose I could use a new hobby now that the time machine is gone you sure you're not going to miss that thing I was getting bored of it anyway you know not every historical event is all its cracked up to be women we have spent decades fighting for our right to vote so when you go to those booths and cast your ballot remember Warren G Harding is way the cutest you want [Music] to okay Brian I'm just putting this out there but I'm a baby and only dicks don't let ba
bies win God look at this day huh you know usually I'd be sitting inside writing you'd be working on one of your machines but here we are enjoying it yes it is a nice change of pace oh wait I got to go grab my knee pads I was using them for for for this other thing anyway I'll be right back Brian look out no Brian oh my God Brian Brian can you hear me holy crap what the hell happened that guy [Music] sucked mom is Brian going to be okay I don't know Meg but this is the best veterinarian and Cog
Brian's getting the finest care there is he had to share the ambulance with a chicken um aren't you supposed to be running around don't talk to me you have a bad reputation in the chicken Community doctor how is Brian is he going to be okay I'm so sorry Mrs Griffin but Brian's injuries are just too severe for us to save him I don't know how much longer he has but I suggest that you all go in and say your [Music] goodbyes [Music] oh my God Brian no I can't believe it you you're really damn it Bri
an you can't die we were going to do so many things together we were going to become wind Surfers I was going to be a little better than you but we were both going to be good you guys I think I think Brian's trying to say something you you've given me a wonderful life I love you [Music] all I'm sorry he's gone oh my God he's yes Chris I'm afraid I'm afraid that our Brian is dead [Music] guys I'm going to need a few minutes alone upstairs I got to do like a a sad yank stupid street hockey I wish
we never went to that dump oh this is all my fault I'm the one who had to throw away the damn time machine wait a minute that's it I've just got to rebuild the time machine and then I could go back and save Brian oh happy birthday Neil Stewie how are you not well Yousef I I need your help I have to track down a titanium capacitor for a high wattage Mainframe I'm going to construct titanium capacitors sorry there's no way to get those anymore what do you mean you've gotten them for me before I kn
ow but the one guy who made those drew a doodle of Muhammad so he's not around anymore he wasn't even doing it on purpose just absentmindedly while talking on the phone but it was Mohammad so you know oh that's awful okay Yousef thanks anyway oh dear Rupert without those capacitors it'll be completely impossible to build a functioning time machine I guess that means Brian has really gone for [Music] good thank you so much for coming guys Brian would be very thankful that you're here no problem L
ois you know I usually don't come to funerals since I'm a cop I always wind up getting hit by a black woman with a purse you find the man who did this you Rel Bri you make sure this child didn't die for nothing you became a cop okay thank you everyone for coming today none of you people came to my funeral I know Peter wanted to say a few words oh boy this is um this is probably the worst pain I've ever had to go through and I've sprained my my ankle twice um the truth is Brian wasn't just my dog
he was my best friend in the whole world he was smart he was loyal and I guess what I'm trying to say is he was like a brother to me and I I'm going to spend the rest of my life missing him we're all going to miss him Peter we're all going to miss him very much damn it Ortiz stop swinging at [Music] junk my God I almost served Brian again I can't believe he's been gone a whole month can we at least get rid of the doggy door so Chris doesn't keep getting stuck in it every day I get a little furt
her in you know I hate to say it but I'm starting to think the only way to stop missing Brian is to get a new dog or do we all get Ghostbuster jumpsuits with our names on them who you going to call the Griffin I'm serious Peter I know it might take time to find the right dog but I really feel like it might be the best way for us to move on yeah Dad that would be nice all right well I guess you couldn't hard to look really another dog look I miss Brian more than any of you but at least now no one
's forcing us to watch those awful PBS documentaries and now PBS presents albino children are normal so with the exception of not being able to go out in the sun you're completely normal yes the Moon is my son I like to kill beetles Beatles are teacher I sleep with a [Music] fork all right guys time to find a new family dog hey Chris you're kind of a creep you should get a ferret you're right I am and I will I don't know how to choose between all these dogs hey you green pants I hear you looking
for a dog or something oh finally someone who sounds like they went to college hi I'm Peter Vinnie oh Vinnie like the Poo yeah that's kind of cool so what's your story well you know I'm just a regular guy you throw a stick maybe I bring it back maybe I bring back an iPhone I fell off a truck so what do you say you want me as your dog yeah I think I do hey just out a curiosity what breed are you actually I'm a [ __ ] Hound really all right that just means I'm 116th cat oh I wish you hadn't told
me that well Vinnie Welcome to our home all right this is good this is good hey you guys got a good bang of broads casts you know that Vinnie you must be starving what can I make you for dinner are you kidding you're a hardworking lady so tonight I'm going to make you dinner wow well thank you Vinnie well well hang on Lois you promised me we were all eating my Play-Doh pasta tonight oh Stewie did you make something oh it's so yummy you better mean those nums hey you what's your name Chris how ab
out I call you hat boy hell yeah lower your voice Chris it's hat boy [ __ ] well look at you Vinnie it's like you're already part of a family I don't know fat man I think you're jumping the gun I mean crucifixion seemed great at first too why are you doing that cuz I'm mad at this guy I'm mad at this jar of pickles I can't open nail it up hey guys I want you to meet our new dog Vinnie Vinnie this is Joe and Quagmire hey Vinnie how you doing real good hey so I hear you're a cop that's right hey t
hat's great maybe sometime you could take me on a ride along with you show me the neighborhood yeah I don't take people out on rideal alongs anymore I I had a bad experience with Grimace I got to be honest I can't get a beat on you man a boy Vinnie hanging out would you has been the best you want another beer no I'd love one what what the first thing you said was oh my God you're you're like on another level Vinnie congratulations you've won over a complete imbecile whoa whoa whoa did you just s
peak of the man who bust his tail providing for you he spent my college fund on puppet clothes hey don't get fresh of Me Studio That's Not My Name that that's not even an Italian version of my name oh whatever hey Vinnie you want to see a puppet show they all got leather jackets God what a jerk this guy thinks he's sticking around he's sorely mistaken I'm going to ruin him just like I ruined that magician's ACT people people people this man drives a sadurn all right Rupert I've been left with no
choice I'm going to tell Vinnie so much bad news about Italian Americans that he goes into cardiac arrest Vinnie there you are I have some terrible news Salan nuno's kid was killed by a falling piano oh how could this happen the kid was an honor student he just applied to Sunni Albany he just got into Sunni Albany oh this is too much stey I can't take it oh my God it's working hey Vinnie Bobby lamad duro's kid just got out of the hospital he beat the cancer oh than kin big man in the sky knows
what he's doing Chris what are you doing call me a creep you piece of crap hey don't Barry how about a joke that ain't for fancy [Music] millionaires stoy what what's with the Water Works oh um um I I just I realized I paid too much for my muffler come on kid quit crying you're going to get your pants wrinkled what's the matter fine do you want to know what's the matter you're the matter everyone in this family is so damn thrilled with you they've forgotten all about Brian well I'm not thrilled
I'll never forget Brian he was my best friend you're not supposed to lose your best friend at my age you're not supposed to lose him ever look I know it doesn't seem like it now but you're going to be okay yeah right how do you know because I once had a thing uh happened to me with some stuff really that's what's happening to me stuff you know before you guys found me in the shop I live with an old man named Leo it was just him and me in a tiny apartment and we got pretty tight he kind of became
my whole world by the time he passed away it was real tough so how did he die he tried to go to a yoga class and on the first pose his ball sack split in half really yeah it was on Dat line it was a whole thing anyway I guess Leo was kind of like my Brian so how'd you get over him well I met your family in the pet store when I saw you guys looking for a dog I kind of sense you were all going through the same feelings of loss that I was and it made me think hey maybe I was meant to find these gu
ys maybe we were meant to be together you know what Vinnie I'm starting to think that may be true bring it in Stewie hey Stewie not a wh Pals maybe you can answer me something why does your living room smell so much like puke somebody T atin there once Vinnie my friend you got a lot of stories to catch up on I've got most of them on DVD oh cool like uh by season and stuff no not by season boy I can't remember the last time stoe fell asleep this early well I think the little guy had a long day al
l right come on time for bed Vinnie I'll tell Peter to turn off the NightLight this time no I need it for in case there's witches you know actually Lois I think I'm going to sleeping here with sto tonight oh well isn't that nice sleep tight you two good night finny good night stoe hey you guys know which room is Peter across the hall ah it's too bright in there well it took 6 hours to sweep up this pile of trash but at least nothing can windily ruin it hey what did I do this isn't big mouth you'
re not going to see [Music] it [Music] and that's how my mom died classic well I got to hit the can yeah me [Music] too [Music] hey what are you looking at Peter wear your clothes I need your gun no problem evil looking Peter they downgraded me to a toy cuz I shot a kid I need your gun you're right Joe we are all armed I have it in case people try to make America greater again wait might you be returning yes I shall be returning could you say it in a more memorable way see you in a bit more mena
cing let's all Circle back no catch you on the flip side no I will see you Manana now let's do coffee sooner than later no well I don't know look I'll think of some more and I'll be back all God what a mess well these are no good [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] anymore bird bird bird bird is it word who's hungry huh broccoli how dare you Stewie don't throw your vegetables throw in quotes I will destroy her for this what are you working on Stewie I plan to be rid of Lois once and for all it's
a Terminator robot living tissue over metal endoskeleton why'd you make two versions naked or all in leather Ryan I don't expect you to be able to understand all the science stuff what's important is the leather robot and pre-teen boy ride away on one motorcycle to get away from society but don't get too worked up the technology is still years off even for me I've got a lot of Kinks to work out [Music] what's this other drawing oh that's just a lame hand turkey I drew I was created by Nathan M c
uz there's two other Nathan in the [Music] class hey you're a good-looking guy want to hang out [Music] affirmative here comes the hot steer murderer I'm the lyrical gangster murderer excuse me Mr Officer murderer Love You Like That murderer next up is John Herbert with Sweet Child of Mine can you raise it six octaves okay this one's for Nathan M here comes the hot stepper Sur bird [Music] oh my goodness that's so much better it's the middle of the day shouldn't Peter be at work that's not the f
at man that's my Terminator robot what but you said the technology was decades away it is my future self must have built it and sent it back in time to help me kill Lois okay Terminator kill Lois what are you doing she's in the [Music] kitchen not me what the devil is wrong with you I created you now I order you to stand [Music] down we now return to a Tilda Swinton movie Tia Swinton huh you said [Music] it yeah a my Terminator robots been turned against me how the only explanation is that a fut
ure enemy must have stolen it from me and sent it back in time to kill me as a [Music] baby we've got to get out of here here are the guns provisions and that is an insta poot which was going to be your Christmas gift I'm sorry you saw it Oh for like cooking soups and whatnot yeah I know it's stupid let's go Stewie quick grab those sheets are both of these Mario Lopez sheets yeah I'm all in on Mario [Music] Lopez ah [Music] get on hey Peter check it out my new electric wheelchair hey hey need a
hand that's okay I texted Bonnie hang on she just texted me a thumbs down emoji yeah I I will take that hand Quagmire I think we lost him I think so too Brian I knew the instapot was a big whiff but what are your thoughts about William Sona Belgian waffle makers I guess they're okay I'm not really a breakfast guy fine Brian we'll just sit around the Christmas tree writing checks to each other this guy's Relentless Stewie how much longer can we keep this up don't worry my gas gauge sticker still
says half a tank hasn't moved in [Music] years ah dude go go go jadad Stewie what are we going to do we can't go home and it's never going to stop pursuing us Brian just calm down it's been a long day we're safe here let's just get some sleep you're sure all the rooms only have one bed yeah Motel rules man it sucks you have no idea how pissed I am about this it looks like someone just pushed two twin beds together why don't I go talk to the manager no no no don't do that I mean the Terminator ch
ampagne and chocolate covered strawberries yes put it over there near the candles well I'll say this has been quite a day I am ready to hit the sack dude this could actually go down here comes the hot stepper [Music] we can't go back home we got to keep moving I'll need to rent a car we could get a Yuba a uber yes it's a uber it's Uber that's what I'm saying Yuber you're adding a y no that's a u say underwear underwear why are we standing here doing this same old bit because we're doing Terminat
or Brian the greatest non-stop action adventure movie ever the animators need a break also now there in charge you know what you're right look at that parade it's about to explode ah they're doing it off screen Stewie those offscreen explosions are because of your Terminator oh my God he's morphed himself into a helicopter and he's Landing just out of view and now he's remorphed back into his human form and now he's walking normally toward us I created you damn it I command you to stop no why di
dn't you kill me you are Brian Griffin you programmed me to kill your enemy Stuart Griffin what you're the future enemy who's turned my Terminator against me but that's impossible I'm not your enemy I'm your best friend best friend huh then who's this Stewie I like well Mr Nosey it's actually pronounced Stewie ilik he's my Hawaiian ukulele instructor hey Brian it's 2:00 where you at brother I mean Aloha and everything but come on man I'm trying to run a business here you're the one who sent the
Terminator back to kill me how could you you bastard shut him off shut him off uh off okay uh shut down uh quit it sit bad dog off the couch get off the couch that's the meanest worst thing you can say to anyone Stewie how could this happen we're best friends sadly it doesn't appear we stay that way I found this coin in his battery box from 2060 that must be the year he was sent from Eric Trump is on it ew Stewie I would never try to really ew Brian we need to go to 2060 to find out what happene
d that's not your normal time pad where'd you get that I borrowed it from Rick and malty they borrowed plenty from us oh my God it's all true sir the Bri Bots are advancing Brian look there I am why you wearing a half shirt probably cuz like like war and stuff wait Stewie where are you going I have to talk to myself Brian and find out what happened plus can you imagine how many likes this post gets on Instagram me with future me that's like Stewie won the internet good Brian you're me yes I've c
ome because my Terminator robot just tried to kill me what happened Brian and I were friends he ruined what could have been a perfect Instagram post with a sarcastic comment G I hate that oh that reminds me I got to get this pick wait a minute what should we do in the picture I don't know something fun well the caption is going to be double trouble so let's work backwards from there have you heard it's in the Stars next July we collide with Mars so I have to ask is there a Mrs Stewie Griffin oh
man I so wanted to it's just this war and whatnot you know no no I totally get it wait a minute since there's two of us this means we can finally catch our own tail I got it no I got it no I got it I got it there they are get [Music] them ran we've got to get out here oh Stewie my hero not now babe the war all right jump touch the branch send these right back to zapo for the refund my God we do become enemies that makes me sad look that future hasn't happened yet we can avoid it by protecting ou
r friendship at all costs you're right we just need a car then we can figure out how to do this just like the fat man figured out how to get into Cosmetology School hi I'm a drug addict with a child all right come on in and um will I I be using the little head rases you mean Combs I have so much to learn hey love you buddy love you too pal see this is fine friends forever we control our own fate yes nothing is set in stone we make our own decisions do we really need the heat on it's the defrost
but whatever it is do you really need it on if you want me to see out the window yes of course you're the driver sorry love you buddy love you buddy do you really think sunflower seeds is the best choice of snack while we're trying not to hate each other what I'm just thinking maybe there's a better snack that's I I don't know I love you buddy okay that's cool but maybe you just uh let me eat whatever I feel like love you buddy my driving exactly the speed limit buddy damn it how am I getting pu
lled over I was driving exactly the speed limit you sure [Music] were this cop looks like Lois hello Brian Brian that's not a cop that's a Lois [Music] Terminator jingle all the [Music] way [Music] oh yeah watch this oh guess I'm back to the old model Terminator artist must have got tired of drawing in the new one yeah that's it punch that one look out behind you no behind [Music] you what the hell is going on future me must have sent her back to protect me and kill you oh my god look our future
selves must know we're deprogramming their Terminators they're sending back more is this the Conover family reunion I'm looking around this is not this is not [Music] Stewie what the hell are we going to do our future selves will continue sending Terminators back to kill us as long as we're enemies oh Brian Griffin has commented on your Instagram post When Sally Met Sally what the hell relax Stewie take a joke come on Brian an early sarcastic comment brings likes to a grinding halt oh my God yo
ur comment is getting more likes than the post stew you can't post a picture like that it's so clear you're just in love with yourself says the guy who constantly updates his own Wikipedia page that's supposed to be anonymous oh like all your alcoholic Buddies go to hell you go to hell wait stop don't you see Brian this is it this is the rift oh my God you're right and here come the Terminators what do we do we've got to show them that our friendship is unbreakable that we love each other Brian
we have to kiss oh come on Stewie no no no no no I I know I can sometimes do stuff like this and again I apologize for what happened at the motel that was a big mixup but the writer in you knows it's true all right fine Stewie I'm doing it for [Music] [Applause] you Brian it's working how much longer sorry I didn't realize it was such a [Music] chore what about now all no Brian keep kissing oh he got both of us I'm thec ganger excuse Mr Officer still like [Music] that yeah man s it n n n n n n n
n n n n n n n n n n [Music] [Music] n good [Music] night you guys know what this meeting's about no idea how about you morning breath Mike I have no idea listen up everyone sales are down across the board but mostly we're failing to connect with a group called Millennials I saw this guy cry one time to learn more about our Target demographic we're all going to watch watch this instructional video news on the March Millennials who are they what do they want a millennial can be defined as anyone
born between 1982 and 2000 or anyone who thinks loving Sriracha or Austin Texas counts as a personality Millennials crave things like instant gratification authentic experiences and for some reason we haven't figured out yet improv comedy here's one Millennial who has a parakeet with 9 million follow followers on Snapchat here's another who single-handedly started the hashtags that canel 12 Network TV shows she found offensive and now I'm told she identifies as a man so I'm being fired hello I'm
your new announcer and actually he was just about done thank you and good day so please welcome someone who's going to help us reach Millennials our new head of social media Hammer oh he just group texted us hello and now here comes a text from the guy who doesn't know this is a group text nice to meet you Hammer let's have lunch later and I'll tell you who's gay right on sup I'm Hammer uh first I'd like to not thank you for hiring me because I just expect good things to happen to me without wo
rking for them second I'd like to give you all a list of my trigger warnings what's a trigger warning actually bruh asking me what a trigger warning is is one of my triggers bruh I feel traumatized bruh and now I'm tweeting about you bruh and now you're trending bruh and now your life is ruined bruh and now you're fired bruh what what happened to bruh also the lack of diversity here is horrifying bruh uh bra's gone now if we want to get some social media attention we got to start with a group se
lfie um excuse me didn't Ellen do this like three years ago hey does Tay digs follow you on Twitter No but craft singles does that's what I thought and posted do you know what I just did I just made you all viral also my band is playing tonight at An Inconvenient time it's six unshowered guys and a pale woman with a ukulele shouting hey in unison because that's what music is now hey hey what is this they just keep saying hey I know it's my favorite song oh cuz Hey is for horses hey guys you want
to have a smoke break what we can't smoke inside it's not smoking Peter it's vaping everyone's doing it even Darth Vapor I find your lack of Vape disturbing come on Peter give it a [Music] shot what happened all of a sudden I feel like I know better than everyone else that's because anytime someone walks through a cloud of Vape smoke a millennial is born I think I feel it Broad City is so funny no Broad City is genius no no Broad City is everything there it is grossly exaggerating the quality o
f a just okay TV show Peter you're officially a millennial hey you want to ride in the millennial Falcon ah look at that we found another one Peter a right of passage for any Millennial is attending Coachella it's a great place to see bands that are either really new or really old which one should we see well on the main stage it's tame and Paula that formed in an Uber pool on the way here and on the side stage it's Neil Young asleep in front of the television I always get him confused with Bloo
m County's Bill the cat [Music] Peter you're doing great as a millennial next thing is you got to learn how to be on fleek on fleek people still say on fleek no Peter that's not what I meant I want you on fleek this is Fleek oh can I ride him sure Peter get on fleek [Music] yay our country is involved in six different Wars but Millennials think about this [Music] stuff remember Peter never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead what's that sorry I was taking a selfie while shoot
ing a Snapchat while periscoping that Snapchat while Instagraming latte art while shazaming the weekend while streaming master of none while retweeting George teay while saying this wins the internet while still being hash so bored hammer Hammer come on man don't make me look up from my phone oh you're texting me oh no Hammer you call 911 you give me a shirt to make a tourniquet you snap a pick Clarendon filter Clarendon hmer with me buddy Peter if I die chop my body up and serve me as street ta
cos so selfless no I won't let you be made into tacos Peter it's it's too late listen I've got this idea for a business and I want you to have it it's oural artisanal artisanal what is it pretzels is it artisanal pretzels has that been done does anyone know if artisanal pretzels is a thing it seems so obvious yet I don't think I've ever seen them I better do Millennial CPR one Whatever two whatever three I'm going to let my parents take care of [Music] this I've never been to a millennial funera
l yeah it seems important taste that they hired Keyboard [Music] Cat assembled congregants no worries to you and also to you let us tweet Peter why is he naked in there it's an environmental statement Lois please stop looking at my dead friend's dong listen I made breakfast and drove so if there's a dead dong I'm going to look at it we've all lost a great friend SL Barista SL DJ SL Genius Bar employee slers with a yellow highlighter at the Best Buy exit and now a reading from the book of Just Ja
red death be the ultimate fail Peter I hate to do this here but you were good friends with hammer and business at the brewery must go on that's why as of today I'm making you head of social media hey whatever you want I'm I'm a team player I was even one of the 300 hey does 299 work cuz I got to go diarrhea off the [Music] cliff we're now return to Marvel's the offenders good morning you see I gathered yall together Kevin spy Roman palaty Woody Allen Steven seigal Matt laow with the pudding pop
Brett Ratner and you lesser known offender James toback don't forget me Harvey Show I is Matt Damon coming no but he knows about all of us he's very aware of what's going on here you see all right guys I got to come up with some social media ideas for the brewery what do you got oh you went viral you asked the right guy you remember Leroy Jenkins yeah right what do you mean right you know Leroy Jenkins what about him do that Joe you can't that already happened do it again the same with beer hang
on a sec thank you how about some fruit in the beer on guys we need social media specific plans to reach a younger audience remember Charlie bit my finger do that you know what I give up we we've given this what almost a minute Peter that's that's the problem with kids today they have no attention span wait that's it we'll do a show for people with no attention span we'll call it the 6sec talk show I guess that could work but it's just so sad that young people can't pay attention to something l
onger than sixc oh my God what the hell you guys I was talking you know there's more to life than just what's on your phone wrong idiot anyone know how to turn these things [Music] off all right 6C talk show in three two I'm Peter Griffin and this is the 6C talk show my guest tonight is Joe Biden and that's all the time we have thanks for watching good night how was that yeah kind of dragged well Congress is at it again good night it's the 6sec talk show and now your host here [Music] welcome to
the 6sec talk show I'm Peter Griffin and now our musical guest Fair naked ladies I'd like to thank our musical guest Bear Naked Ladies good night Peter I can't believe your talk show is such a huge hit for the brewery and thanks to that I'm now a huge social media star oh my God what the hell is that hello Griffin family I'm coming to you live via living room hologram I'm Parker Stanton CEO of Boop the most powerful company in Silicon Valley do you know mrin talk later look Peter the reason I'm
here is because of your six-second talk show now I haven't had the time to watch it but I hear it's the buzz of Silicon Valley I want you and your family to visit us here as my guests so I can find out what the next big thing is oh I I got lots of ideas I've been working on something called look at it kick it look at it excuse me can I help you kick it pure genius see you in Silicon Valley oh this is exciting a family trip yeah I love traveling icept that trip to Europe where we spent most of o
ur time trying to refold our map all right the museum is that way so let's fold the map and go okay couple more folds nope okay wrong end let's see nope no that's wrong find the corners it's not a puzzle Chris you got to fold on the creases I'd be able to find the creases if somebody had folded it correctly last time I did fold it correctly no you didn't and then you jammed it into a backpack and now I'm in this mess don't blame me you ripped it up when you were tearing through the backpack for
your snacks okay this is why I wanted to bring a globe all right you don't have to fold a globe who the hell would bring a globe on vacation see B we're eating food and they're tearing each other apart what to next morer [Music] welcome to Boop as our name suggests our Mainframe connects to and Powers virtually every server on the globe without Boop there is no internet hey Parker are we still on for the Samsung Galaxy Note meeting after lunch yep are the test results in yeah but let's save it f
or the meeting where's your nearest bathroom gender fluid yes there will be a lot of that H must be one of them Hightech Japanese toilets I'm going to PE into electric urino and make the Sparks go higher I'm having so much fun what the hell is going on our main frame is having a meltdown hang on let me flush you idiot you shut down the entire internet how could you do that this is the the most irresponsible thing that although I was incensed by this man I had to admire his courage for leaving hi
s penis out the entire time I was yelling at him as a man who struggles with body dysmorphia I couldn't help but be impressed by that kind of self-confidence as I stood there being berated by this man I couldn't help but notice his searching gaze years later we would bump into each other at a small Cafe in Rome and reminisce about this moment and later still recreate in a small bed and breakfast at the bottom of the Spanish Steps but that's a story for another time or as they say in Italian molt
o [Music] homo Peter you've done some stupid things but crash in the internet has to be the dumbest yet look at the chaos you've caused I have no idea how to drive without texting why can't I post post this video hello what did you say why aren't you looking at your phone you psycho why is no one liking my posts well I hate all your posts [Applause] hello hello Peter Lois is right this mess is all your fault settle down Brian I'm sure life will be just fine without the internet maybe we can even
go see that Amish comedian sir where are you from Chicago I have never been to Chicago how about you sir Boston I have never been to Boston anyone here from the backfields of Pennsylvania Ohio or Upstate New York no then I have been jebadiah son of Abner how are we going to get back to the airport there's no internet which means there's no GPS which means we can't use Uber okay I have a crazy idea let's get a cab there's a taxi stand dead dead dead barely alive to the airport now because you ca
n't stare at your phone anymore enjoy a disturbingly loud clip of Jimmy Fallon on cab TV did I get ready to lose all respect for alpacino when I force him to play a game meant for children this this is why [Music] Uber no Netflix no Hulu no Amazon I'm so bored come on Meg you're overreacting we still got Network TV we now return to Kevin can wait on CBS well that's not going to work okay everybody don't panic we'll just do what people did before the internet we can play charades Oh you mean like
your marriage Chris I told you that in confidence dad you got to do something nobody can live without the internet ah you're right this sucks it's even worse than when I was roommates with Oscar Pistorius somebody's in here somebody's in here I'm the one who screwed this up I'll be the one to fix it I'll be the internet what are you talking about we can do all the things we loved about the internet we just got to do it without technology from now on if you want to tweet something you do it the
oldfashioned way write it on a piece of paper staple it to a bird and throw it out the door Hey do you follow Peter Griffin on Twitter no why is he funny no he just throws dead bird on his lawn it's awesome great news Chris I figured out how to recreate the best part of the internet I've got pictures of five celebrities who you'd never believe used to be fat great let's see them sure buddy but first you have to watch this unwelcome popup ad I don't want probiotics then press the skip ad button w
hy should I do all this work they're really good pictures Chris number three will shock you okay I'll press it oh no you pressed in the wrong place and now you're being sent to the ads website which also has additional pop-ups this is a nightmare just tell me one of them Kanan Thompson that's not a surprise Peter what are you doing oh I'm your ways app today you're on your way to work yeah I am all right you will be there in 6 minutes just start heading straight okay sounds good so how's everyth
ing take a right right now jeez okay calm down left take a left [Music] immediately would you like to upgrade to an adree experience for $4.99 no try new Domino's Pizza hey Peter who are these guys oh this is just my looping GIF of black teens reacting to a very mild burn huh sounds kind of pointless Oh you mean like your [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] feet all right trying to be the internet is impossible I wish I never peed on that server you know w
hen my phone gets wet I just put in a bag of rice shut up Meg that's dumb I've done that before it works Chris that's brilliant we just need a big bag and a lot of rice you sure that's going to work a worth a shot we'll just have to roll up our sleeves and do the best we can like The Men Who Built New York City men creating an entire subway system out of nothing is grueling thankless life-threatening work but just remember we're doing this so that one day future commuters can be hassled by panha
ndlers and amateur break dancers what about public [ __ ] especially public [ __ ] now let's go die [Applause] Underground [Music] look we're getting a signal I think we fixed the Internet something's coming through it looks like an ad smithwick's artisanal pretzels son of a [Music] [ __ ] well I'm glad you got the internet hold on I'm sorry what what were you saying yeah sounds good and and send take that Delta Airlines submitted for your approval a restaurant full of people so distracted by th
eir phones they're unaware that they're all about to go up and smoke just like the fox Tuesday night [Applause] lineup [Applause] [Music] a hey Meg what's up a cool kid said what's [Music] up oh it was just a dream Goldie no fifth one this week oh my God Mr clompers SA with me Mr clompers stay with me you son of a [ __ ] there's only one way to turn this day around Crouch behind a dumpster in the back of Quiznos and wait for the half-eaten Subs to be thrown out Yep looks like things are finally
starting to turn around for the Mega Reno hey what are you doing I'm not a dumpster put putut me down man this job sucks I don't know ladies running with trash bags and no bras on is pretty cool sometimes wait right on Q and now the mine creates scenarios and so [Music] forth hey what are you doing home from work yeah some sicko called in a bomb scare and They confiscated everyone's phones and I was told to take the day off Peter did you call in the bomb scare God you sound just like them for th
e last time maybe well since you're home you can watch my daytime shows with me hello there's a bomb in the TV leave the remote and exit the room nice try but we're watching The View Welcome to The View today we're talking about mansplaining Megan McCain you go first I thought Megan McCain quit oh yes she did they replaced her with a dozen feral cats and a kinera dress and no one can tell the difference the catch Haven important dead Dad so we got to hear him out it's the Kelly Clarkson show she
's got a show now yes and she's actually very funny if you're a woman who claps when the plane lands give me that thing aren't there any daytime TV shows hosted by men Peter are you kidding me conversations between men are boring I've heard what you and the guys talk about me and the guys would be great at hosting one of these shows we talk about interesting stuff all the time just this past weekend we were talking about how a lot of people don't know which one is Chip and which one is Dale well
it's actually very simple Chip's nose is black and Dale's nose is red and if you need help remembering you say chocolate chip the Chipmunks were easier because they had big letters on their shirts but that's Tuesday's show oh please all men run out of things to say to each other after 20 minutes oh yeah well if guys are so bad at talking how come reg just filin is still yapping so Joy hands me a box and I open it and it's the same Dawn sweater from last Christmas can you believe that coming up
Angels David boranes look at Kathy Lee she's fanning [Music] herself oh Meg what happened to you you I straight up thought that was post Malone for a hot second I just had the worst day of my life now if you don't mind I'm going to bake cookies from scratch and eat them until I puke me I think what you're going through are typical teenage emotions trust me everything will change when you go to college speaking of guess who got a letter from the University of Rhode Island to day wait what and it
came in a big envelope you know what that means finally some good news from the office of admissions at the University of Rhode Island wow so official hey sorry we ran out of small envelopes you didn't get in Meg I'm so sorry I just have to accept it I'll never be happy [Music] a talk show for man that's a great idea yeah imagine getting paid to talk about stuff we already talk about around this table hey that could be the title bar table talk oh guys check it out Tom tuck has wasted at the bar
again put on Channel 6 I I want to see what Doppler those dinks are working with a 3,000 H what are they telling us the weather in 2004 hey fellas I'll be right back boy it's fun to fantasize about having a talk show but sadly that's all it's going to be cuz ain't nobody putting four guys with zero experience on TV yeah you're right start thinking of warm to Hot Topics fellas what are you talking about I just spoke to Tom Tucker a few months ago I did him a big favor and he said if there's anyth
ing he could ever do for me just ask so I just asked and he said yes gentlemen say hello to the hosts of your new channel 5 daytime talk show oh my God that's amazing this is yosam wait Joe what was the favor you did for Tom Tucker I mustached that for him over the holidays we said Rise of grw and then bed that was the deal we made I'm sorry you're having a hard time I'm having a hard time [Music] too hey what the heck are you guys doing those are my cookies Meg these are literally the best cook
ies I've ever had in my life yeah they're incredible did you switch up the recipe no I don't think so so good Meg I'd have another but I got to see Dean later Dean's my trainer guy kicks my freaking ass you must have done something different these are [Music] fantastic I think my tears falling into the batter must have made these cookies taste different not different delicious last week Dean was saying I'm the most ripped guy he trains off the record of course Meg I think this could be the start
of a business people would pay a premium for cookies this good really h a business is a lot of work unless maybe you guys want to help out I'd be happy to I'll do it so Monday Wednesday and Friday is a Dean days other than that I'm down I'm in ketosis by the way this is exciting you guys we just have to find a way to get the word out about these cookies well I don't think we'll have to worry about that I just got an email back from the one show that'll put our product in front of the entire cou
ntry long hallway Shark Tank first up make Griffin and family with a new Twist on a popular [Applause] [Music] snack hello sharks I'm here [Music] to we have so many new cookie orders which means we've got a lot of baking to do let's get going sorry if I'm in a busy kitchen I'm going to have to scream at someone golden ramsy style a raw egg you're going to kill someone 20 years of being in the business and you're the biggest buffoon I've ever met now let's step outside where I'll speak to you in
an entirely different tone what's going on with you tell me I don't I don't know you're overwhelmed trying to live up to your father's expectations aren't you yeah I guess listen your father Nikos was a proud Greek man who came to this country with nothing but a baklava and a dream but he's gone now and you have to accept that now those people in there need a leader not a friend understood yes thank you you Chef Ramsey I have tremendous respect for you and what you do for people's businesses go
od now just don't Yelp any places from the show or eat at any of my restaurants in Las Vegas oh from Peter turn on Channel 5 right now welcome to the first episode of bar taable talk finally a show for men by men football you've got to be kidding me now check out our theme song called guys just want to have fun which is just each of us yelling guys over the parts where they sing girls and Girls Just Want to Have Fun guys guys [Music] guys guys damn it Joe this is why I wanted to use the boys are
back in town but no welcome back now it's time for the clenched buttock urinal fart of the day sent in by Jean kazlowski at Imperial tool and die in Kenosha Wisconsin let her rip [Music] Jean you just know that one had the power of a state fair sausage behind it impressive stuff coming up all the people from your wife's work she claims are horrible who surprise all right H disgusting I can't believe that's my husband although I shouldn't be surprised after what happened on our wedding night Pet
er are you ready sorry I already masturbated there was a seashell on top of the toilet that looked like a [Music] boob okay lunch is over we got more cookie orders to take care of all right let's get our sister crying I was all right for a while I could smile for a while but I saw you last night you held my hand so tight as you stop to Sayo oh you wish me well you couldn't tell that i' been crying over you run over you [Music] R and that's why the Eagles are the best yard work band of all time I
'm sorry are we in a world where the Steve Miller Band was never born oh this show gets Dumber by the second just come in who even cares anymore oh hi Daddy what are you doing here uh stop by the oh no way I love this show oh is me around she's in the kitchen excellent well aren't you going to ask how I'm doing Lois I can see one two three amp traps I know how you're doing oh four oh hey Carter what are you doing here Grandpa word has gotten around about your cookies and I have a business opport
unity for you I'm throwing a party for my billionaire friends on Friday and I'd like you to cater it oh my God we'd love to uh Meg maybe let a graduate of the Howard Schultz Master Class handle this I'm prepared to offer you 10,000 we'll do it pennies 10,000 pennies or $100 oh dude you blew it just kidding I'm super rich I'll pay you 50 Grand holy crap $50,000 I'll need 500 bags of cookies all right see you Friday G I really don't want to have to talk to your mother again guess I'll just airpods
it out bye daddy I said bye hi Daddy you guys I just want to thank you for helping make my cookies such a success it really means a lot to me and for the first time in my life I'm finally feeling proud of myself and hopeful about my future I think I think I'm actually happy a that's great to hear Meg we're proud of you too now we got cookies to make give us those tears oh I know Meg when you were a baby you were left at a fire station and those firemen left you at another fire station the only
reason you had a date for homecoming was because the guy got community service hours for it oh no I can't cry and and when I hear about my crappy old life I just feel proud and happy about where I am now uh-oh no tears means no cookies which also means no cookie business hi I'm Jam Lee Curtis and I heard someone here was having a problem with feminine dryness oh I I think I'm all set have you tried sliquid feminine wash the natural solution to feminine dryness oh no no I I I think we have differ
ent problems dog I'd hear her out Squid's the one feminine was that goes on dry and doesn't drip Chris are you selling intimacy products with Jam Lee CT well Stewie I'd say squid sells itself it goes on dry Meg I don't want to alarm you but if you can't cry we won't get the $50,000 from Carter for catering his party I know I'm sorry it's just that since the cookie business became successful I'm not sad anymore well there goes my dream of becoming the next Otis spunk Meer your dream is to be otus
spunk meire I love a company that works a dirty word for a bodily fluid into their name Chris that is absolutely disgusting hey the way I see it in this life you got to laugh God he said you got to laugh so many times it started to feel like a threat why did we come to this again remember that kid I hit with my mail truck that was the kid that was the kid ladies I'm at the end of my rope with this damn show Peter's become impossible to live with yeah Cleveland thinks he's fancy too you know he'
s demanding per plus now instead of regular old per Joe's also gotten a big head lately when he eats scam crackers now he totally ignores the suggested perforations he's like a mad king we've got to shut this show down I don't know Lois have you heard what Peter said on yesterday's show and so I say men we deserve deserve a second drawer it should be 4 to2 not 5 to one ladies it's time to put an end to their little [Music] show now remember when they start talking about how awful women are we st
orm the stage call them out on it and then we'll go viral and the show will be cancelled welcome to bar table talk fellas what's on your mind today is it me or does it seem like no one knows how to coil a garden hose anymore remember Sports guys you liked oh yeah totally I like those guys um you know what let's take a break we'll be right back oh my God it's happening what's happening ah what are we doing I started this cuz there were no daytime talk shows with men and Lois said that's because m
en eventually run out of things to say to each other well looks like she was right I don't want to be right Lois what are you all doing here we came down to get this show cancelled between the embarrassing content and you becoming so full of yourself at home well I thought it was the only option but when I heard you admit you were wrong I remembered why I married you in the first place because I proposed in an offensive Chinese accent and you just wanted to get out of the restaurant no Peter bec
ause beneath all your crazy I know there's just a sweet confused child can I get a lizard no Peter but you said fine you can get a lizard I love you Mom Lois I love you too Peter can you watch my lizard I'm bored of [Music] it you really think seeing a therapist is the best way to get me to cry absolutely and this guy is the best in town see you next week John looking forward to it man there's nothing to do for that guy but he's got insurance okay who's M Griffin so I'm Dr Matthews but you can c
all me Brad my Delta Kai Brothers used to call me Crusher so that's fair game too wow this guy rocks before we start it's important to know I only accept crypto so Bitcoin Dogecoin or ethereum oh actually wait not ethereum wait wait no I I don't I don't anymore wait yes yes yes I do but you have to send it like now did you send it I did no why did you do that forget real estate invest in money you can't even see they said okay I guess let's talk about you well earlier this week I cried into some
cookie dough and my tears actually made the cookies taste incredible so we started a successful cookie business using my tears but now I'm too happy to cry anymore but no tears means no money Meg have you considered the reason you're happy isn't because of the business that maybe it's because you finally got to spend quality time bonding with the family members you love oh snap my man Crusher dropping knowledge bombs guys is the money really worth the sister you love feeling badly about herself
no it's not the new Tom Brown Line is out next week so maybe wow I can't believe you choose my happiness Over All all that money you guys that really means a lot we just want you to be happy Meg Chris is right we love you a I love you [Music] guys Hey where's that diploma from oh that's not a diploma that's a certificate for finishing the big Bera at Leo's Bar and Grill in Cincinnati got a t-shirt too but it's at the dry cleaners wow dry cleaning a t-shirt bragging about a regional food challen
ge that's the dream honey it's me they fell for the whole Crusher routine oh in their little cookie business let's just say I took care of [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] [Music] it [Music] [Applause] what happened last night oh nothing just just hit a home run in my softball game no I mean I'm mean the building huh oh huge gas leak won the game everybody's dead sorry I got carried away with my daytime talk show Lois oh Peter I'm just glad you're home and still wearing television makeup for some r
eason I don't know what you're talking about hey sorry your cookie business didn't work out Meg yeah I guess it would have been pretty sweet to have a successful cookie business but it's fine you know Meg the way I see it life's too darn short boy that was brutal yeah what a big waste of time I know it's like life really is too darn short huh maybe it was good [Music] oh this is a big moment for Stewie big moment come on Lois he's moving from The Green Room to the purple room and just last month
we had to come here when he went into the green room from the yellow room oh don't remind me I'm going to start crying all over again I told work he was getting dialysis so I got the whole day off Stewie Griffin welcome to the Purple Room wow look at that this must be how the Tin Man felt when he finally got his heart and as for you Tin Man a 19-year-old kid in Cincinnati was struck by a drunk driver last night and so you've got your heart you know it's kind of hitting me now that maybe I was t
hinking more metaphorically oh no you said you wanted a heart over and over again you sang that whole song about it we bumped you right up to the top of the donor list which means there's a father of three in Nebraska who now has a very little chance of receiving one within the next 24 hours so feel good about that now who wanted the [Music] brain and when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer I take it down a notch Stewie you just happen to be
The Offspring of a generation that celebrates their kids for nothing everybody's always getting an award well you've never gotten an award uh what's that bowl that says good boy you know that was our old dog's dish hey how are you I was just putting this cake in my purse for a friend listen you probably get asked this all the time but have you ever modeled I've never even been in a picture before well I don't just shoot school events my real passion is discovering Talent like yours really you th
ink I could model sure you've got a great look here's my number give me a call if you're interested wow me being a model I mean I guess crazier things have happened [Music] we now return to Rocky Dennis the Menace what the hell oh it's you my wife said I'm not allowed to get mad at you anymore all right see you later where are you off to actually I met a photographer at Stewie school yesterday and he wants me to model for him Lois please send these back to the factory I believe they're defective
oh my God Peter did you just rip your own ears off it was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous you know it would be nice if you guys believed in me just once you're being terrible parents even worse than John Edwards kids we need to talk your mama has cancer and it's made me incredibly horny take care you know Brian I gave some thought to what you said the other day and I realized you're right moving to the purple room is not an achievement Stewie what are you doing here I as
ked Peter to read my manuscript and he said he had to take you to dialysis anyway you got me thinking I've spent my entire life in that Ivory Tower learning from pop-up books and animal sound machines instead of actually experiencing the world that's why I got this I'm going to take a year off hit the open road and live life to the fullest you're a baby how'd you afford a car don't worry I got a great price on it you know how good I am at making a deal all right I have $50 for the first person w
ith a paperclip and Rouge in their purse Monti mty paper clip and Rouge paperclip and Rouge why do you have Rouge I don't know it's been in the purse for ages why do you have a purse for the paper clips and Rouge you idiot what are you going to buy with that $50 PES and [Music] Rouge sorry to use your bathroom so much I'm just really nervous you have nothing to be nervous about this is going to be fun okay well here goes all right me while we take these we can either play freeze frame or she wor
ks hard for the money which would you prefer can we play both [Music] sure well that was a stupid idea but you you were phenomenal you really think so here have a look I think these turned out great wait Ben are they all of my feet well Meg the thing is my name's Evan by the way a lot of people will pay good money for pictures of sexy feet foot fetish porn sites are a huge business but when you asked me to model I thought you meant real modeling this is real modeling and you could be our next bi
g star really I don't know come on it could be great you'll meet lots of famous people like Charles Barkley hi mag you have nice FAS I want to put them both in my mouth and then make a slapping sound of my bald head with him we have a Tran gun if he gets [Music] rough M why you home so early yeah I thought you were doing your modeling thing I was but wait what What's Happening Here well not that it's any of your business Meg but this is why we've been married as long as we have we do things toge
ther you think 20 years just happens no it does not now tell us fast about your nonsense so I can plow your mother on the staircase yeah what kind of photo shoot was it did they take a picture of you eating a whole pizza of pie next to an astonished Chef actually Evan thinks I'm a natural and that I'm going to be a huge success he thinks I could be a famous model you famous come on Meg your only chance at Fame would have been as the dog on Frasier well of course I respect my father he's a vet wo
of not that kind of vet so where exactly are we going anyway Brian I think the road has a way of telling you where you're going there Rhode Island Folk Festival the road has spoken huh that actually sounds kind of fun see Brian this Trip's already off to a great start certainly better than that Retreat we went on with the Cog Baptist choir why don't we show our visitors how we sing what we see H sing what we see sing what we see brother rasco what do you see oh I see how Johnson b sing what s re
d that need aaint J sing what s yeah boy in a truck too young to drive sing what you see Brian oh uh uh car a come on let's just see what we see and keep it to [Music] ourselves hey Evan oh good Meg you're here grab a pair of dirty socks and meet me by the tub of dead mice actually Evan I've been thinking about this and I'm not sure being a foot fetish model is for me what you can't quit you're an overnight sensation I am you got 35,000 views in in one night and none of them got past the fourth
picture what does that mean oh they love you and look at these comments who is this she's beautiful a bunch of anti-muslim stuff great feet you're a hit Meg wow that's that's amazing it's not often that anyone says anything nice about any part of me but still I I don't I don't know it's porn I never thought I'd do porn I understand your apprehension Meg that's why I'm going to confuse you by calling it erotica and besides think about all your fans I I guess when you put it that way I wouldn't wa
nt to let down drizzle foot 321 you really think I can do it Evan of course you can sometimes people just need a little encouragement to succeed like Jason bigs got from his grandfather Jason I want you to promise me one thing always be forgettable I will Grandpa hey that's just a regular unattractive guy who's not famous we did it [Music] Grandpa what are you doing it's 18 and older Brian if I want to get in I need to look the part I've also been working on my banter like in case somebody bumps
into me oh no worries bro Stewie there's a lot of sex and drugs at these things you sure you're ready for this of course I am I'm tired of living my life in a tiny little box like some sort of claustrophobic Turtle he SC inside he scar outside uhhuh okay Brian the key to these things is to find a good position to sit on the ground yeah cool I got that blanket from your trunk oh yeah the old scratchy trunk blanket bring it use it once then put it back in the trunk for the rest of your life ah ye
ah okay this is already hurting my hip we could probably just stand no no we got the blanket all right let's try sideways on the elbow ow no that hurts scratchy blanket okay all right let's try sitting on my knees okay that's good no uh lean back on the palms until they get weird creases no all the way back oh flat back craning to look up terrible balls of feet butt hover like a Chinese guy oh all right standing it [Music] is I got to tell you Bri I am a big fan of sundresses oh yeah every woman
looks good in a sundress yeah just waiting for a big gust of wind right yeahh good gust to win see a couple fannies yeah give him a little bare hand slap a little cup yeah that's what we're here for okay Stewie yeah just give a little test tap see where she's at and you'll pushing all up on that Fanny whoa Stewie yeah yeah who who's this Stewie huh yeah I'll tell you who this Stewie is this is day drinking Stewie on the patrol for fannies Fanny yeah Fanny what are you looking at all right finis
h the chapter time to reward myself with a slow relaxing yank let's see what will it be today time to spin the wheel of porn all right foot fetish it is wait a minute [Music] oh my [Music] God Mom Dad Megan's doing foot porn what oh my God Peter our little girl is doing pornography we got to stop her what the hell there's an animated version of you and me doing it who put that on there Brian Stewie hey how's it going man uh I don't know four all different bands said we've been a great crowd so y
ou tell me yeah I've had a pretty good day too people keep passing out and barfing and that barf is like free to take awesome plus I met the most amazing girl well I'll tell you this she's got to be the second most amazing girl here because I've met the most amazing girl oh here she comes now hey Stewie hey Brian oh crap wait how can a music festival chick like two guys as soon as Meg walks through that door I am giving her a piece of my mind hi Mom hi Dad wait you've been upstairs the whole tim
e I figured all that clomping around up there was Junior gorg from fragle rock is that what you really thought I did I really did me we know you've been doing foot porn and that is going to stop right now please don't try to act like you guys care oh thank God Peter me we do care and we're just trying to protect you are you kidding all all you've done is make fun of anybody possibly thinking I could be a model well guess what there are people out there who think I'm beautiful that's my ride I'm
going to a big party they're throwing in my honor Meg don't you dare walk out that door or you're [Music] grounded oh my God I can't believe our daughter's a porn star oh well porn act let's not go crazy on the Christmas letter okay Lois Peter we got to do something our daughter just left us some sleazy foot porn party I feel like we're getting invited to less stuff nowadays we got to find out where that party is and get Meg out of there you're right God what happened it seems like just yesterda
y she was born Mr Griffin would you like to cut the cord sure okay that wasn't the chord and now you've got a [Music] girl okay Brian so we like the same girl there's no reason we can't be gentlemen about this absolutely our friendship is more important than any one girl hey guys I got to all some food oh great just Mash Brian's pill in there and smear it on the grass he's good to go no he he's kidding I I'm perfectly capable of taking a pill yep Down the Hatch now Stewie would you like your foo
d served to you as an airplane or a magic bus you two are so cool and funny Brian especially did you happen to read his tweet about jumbo shrimp just a little heads up Stewie still screams what's happening when he gets an erection oh this is nice spending this time together Brian why don't you show Cassandra your Boost Mobile phones do we has AIDS guys guys there's no reason to fight I don't have AIDS by the way in fact I was thinking maybe we could all have a three-way a a three-way I mean yeah
totally really cool let's go I'm serious man I'm doing this I am too bring it on don't doubt me Brian I never back down like Boo the inflatable punching clown ah you're in big trouble boo we told you to take a dive in the third round and you just kept popping back up let them have it boys he's pretty tough boss I'll handle this whoa Papo take it easy there pal we was just playing with you yeah we didn't mean no harm Papo we've got the place completely surrounded rounded we all know how it's goi
ng to end come out with your hands up lad all right let's lay some ground rules here you take her left side I'll take her right what wait how about top and bottom or front and back how about I take head shoulders knees and toes knees and toes okay you can have those you just gave away the store Mister you guys ready cuz I am what's happening is is this is this for play she's dead I think she had a drug overdose well just cuz she's out doesn't mean the part's over yes it does we got to get out of
here what we can't just leave her she had nobody no family no friends really how do you know all that all all that you said you were in love with her did you not talk to her at all I I talked to her I know she liked tents and cocaine oh oh and how she loved bleeding from her nose you're a monster you're even worse than Dr finlin Igor did you get the body Yes master you know what to do it's a five a five [Music] oh hey guys what's going on crack Maya we need your help finding Meg I would love if
you guys would just call First she's run off to some foot fetish porn party we figured you might know where it is you know cuz of your boners and stuff foot fetish party huh well come on in let me just fire up the internet here going to go to ask beaves sorry Joe's Wi-Fi is really slow today I know it's the worst we also use his cable TV I like Joe here we go oh it's a busy night there's a black tie event that's all black and thae chicks okay this must be Meg's thing says there's a shuake party
tonight shuake what's that it's 50 guys one foot oh [Music] my all right come on Stewie let's get this over with what a slow down Brian everyone deserves a proper burial why do you think we've been saving that VCR box in the basement oh fine um Cassandra I'm sorry your life was so screwed up that you almost had a three-way with a dog and a baby but your life was not without meaning I left the comfort of the classroom to experience a world Beyond books and thanks to you I did also I loaned you $
40 for that luminer T-shirt and you said you'd pay me back so I'm going to take your bra wow a lot of people OD at these things yeah let's go trade this bra for a couple of [Music] Gatorades all right you guys before we begin let's sing the Japanese national anthem everybody stop what you're doing yeah or else we'll that one's wearing goggles mom dad what are you doing here I'll tell you what we're doing here we're protecting our little girl from a lot of guys who I hardly recognized from Best B
uy listen Meg your mom and I are sorry for always putting you down that's right you shouldn't have to do porn to feel appreciated really of course Meg we love you sweetheart and you deserve better than this thanks you guys can we please go home yeah let's get get out of here not so fast I promise these men a foot what did you say is going on on the other side of this curtain don't worry about it just keep watching Tower Heist This Crew pulling off a robbery good [Music] luck well Brian thanks fo
r going on that little adventure with me but I think I've learned quite enough from The Real World for now I guess you're ready for to the purple room after all huh yes in fact today was my first day I saw that teacher at the concert with her booba she was um popular Mom Dad thanks for keeping me from doing something I'd always regret of course sweetie we love you and we would never let anything bad happen to you Peter we got a problem somehow my foot got pregnant thanks for driving me to the li
brary for Story Time Brian today we're reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar versus The Human Centipede I heard it's like Alien versus Predator with a little bit more butt eating that does sound fun but what if I took you to a different library today what but I like my library I met Curious George there mom said he was a puppet but she's stupid I'm just saying we should go to the library at kog University and take your education to a higher level I guess I can try it I mean I do want to get ahead
I don't want to end up like Meg doing sad one woman shows oh I love trash anything dirty or dingy or Dusty anything ragged or rotten or Rusty yes I love trash whose fault is this you're wearing a garbage bag as a cape who do you think him sh she's crushing [Music] it [Music] oh yeah that's good Library oh you didn't come here for me you came to be a creep whatever you go do your thing I'm going to go watch that young hot shot attorney over there who's clearly in the middle of a movie [Music] mon
tage oh he found it he's going to win the case oh no it was a 70s [Music] movie so who you reading George Elliot ah Georgie I'm a big fan I think he uh she said it best when she said bantom press 1851 Lumineers what H you just just said Lumineers with no context did I do that GH Tumblr wow I've never seen someone go 0 for six in 15 minutes before just hard rejection after a hard rejection what's going on over there looks like a student rally they probably forgot to study for an exam so they orga
nized a protest in the '90s you just pull a fire alarm now you hold a protest that is when they're not looking down at their phones hey what's going on someone wrote weird on the transgender bathroom and the school president didn't overreact so we want him fired seems reasonable exactly I see news cameras I'm going to yell Viva LOL like a young white drunkard and last week a professor told his class to have a nice day which is microaggression because in our systemic rape culture no day is a nice
day so we want him fired too hey if you don't want to get fired don't become a teacher right totally you should tweet that #f fire everyone I guess I could fire up my account again all right open app got a bunch of those no biggie type in tweet blast off in three 2 1 and tweeted I am back in the game see oh you're gone and the crowd is gone and the animators are gone hey Stewie what do you think about this tweet oh don't be that guy Kelly Rippa no shows at work who does she think she is a Repub
lican senator # gopu three references in one tweet I'm sweating I'll just add it to my notes for later why are you getting into Twitter now unless you're an athlete or a celebrity no one cares a lot of people like my stuff oh yeah someone needs to tell Donald Trump it's not fashionable to wear orange on your face after Labor to day # Oompa trumpa zero retweets zero likes yeah viral you know I don't care you can't stop me just like people can't stop Peter from ordering shepherd's pie and what can
I get for you sir I'll have the shepherd's pie I'm sorry but that's not on the menu well do you have potatoes yes butter yes cream yes salt yes pepper yes garlic yes onions yes lamb yes carrots yes Eggs yes flour yes Rosemary yes thyme yes chicken broth yes corn yes peas yes lightsaber remember when we did Star Wars I better get a tweet out before I go dark for a few hours about to see the new Kevin Hart movie just kidding I'm white and went to college # Baywatch movie [Music] ah hey are you he
re for the time magazines with some of the letters cut out uh no I no I saw that you have an apartment for rent okay here Apartment 23 oh okay I just have one rule here no kissing the mailman I don't think that's going to be a problem you haven't seen him so don't say that yet mail's here wow that's you that you if I have other items I want to buy uh can I buy them here at the pharmacy window yes Ruth yeah bring it over here we can buy him over here where are you by the pharmacy hang on I'm pick
ing out sunscreen sir do you mind if I go ahead of you uh yes I do mind [Music] somehow I'm neither here nor [Music] there $6 hey did did you knock over a few bottles in aisle 7 uh yeah [Music] okay Patricia where's the big nail clipper I don't know did you get rid of it why would I get rid of the big nail clipper cuz you're a [ __ ] that's why nice yeah now I'm going to tell you where it is I knew you knew where it was you liar tell me where it is no find it yourself oh okay fine how about I hi
de something of yours huh put that back no tell me where the big nail clipper is Boom damn it why can't you use the little nail clipper I want the big one okay and I don't want you using it anymore shut up man you shut up where'd you put it you liar $900 l r a two [Applause] r fore foree fore fore for for for for fore for fore spee for for foree spe spee thise for for for for spe
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