Sex Doesn’t Need to Be Creative - Chloe Radcliffe - Stand-Up Featuring

i am so happy to be here uh for those of you i don't know it's a birthmark that's what it is it doesn't lower my self-esteem enough for me to [ __ ] you although sometimes people do stare and i am like hey buddy eyes down here when i wear a mask my mask sits right here and covers my birthmark so i'm just walking around as one of you i meet new people while i'm wearing a mask all the time right and eventually i take my mask off and they see my birthmark for the first time and every single time th

e reaction is the same it's always exactly like when you see a man take his hat off and you're like that hairline is not where i thought it was going to be well played i i dated a guy okay i dated a guy who wanted to try role play in bed and that is difficult for me because i have to establish my birthmark as a part of any character that i've left because if i don't here's what happens i start the scene and i'm like hi i'm your hot nurse chloe and i'm here for anything you need and my boyfriend

would be like hey nurse chloe say what's that on your face and i'd have to be like what the hell jeff why are you talking about this right now you see my birthmark every day and he'd be like yeah yeah but in this scenario we don't know each other and i have to be like okay sure maybe you don't realize most strangers never mention my birthmark right nobody's quite that forward and he'd be like yeah yeah but in this scenario my character doesn't have a filter and i'd be like okay then my character

doesn't want to [ __ ] you [Applause] my character is suddenly just tired we disagreed on something else my ex still thought that we could take each other's clothes off in bed that's wrong that's not how it works right he'd be like babe if we do it together it's sexy it's passionate there is nothing less sexy or passionate than pulling my skinny jeans inside out until they get stuck on my ankles i was wet now i'm just sweaty also it can't be good for the person doing the pulling either right no

w we're locked in a power struggle are you gonna get your thumb under the hem am i gonna point my toes just let me do it myself right you don't know you don't know that if it's cuffed at all you're [ __ ] forever you don't know just let me do it my ex was still thinking like in the movies right he thought that if he took my panties off my panties would drop perfectly to the floor it's beautiful it's not real life right in real life my thong rolls down my thigh into a little turd that i have to k

ick under the bed because it's not sexy to look at and then afterward i gotta like squink it out with my toe i gotta shake it so i can step back in because if i'm not gonna shower i'm not gonna waste a pair of clean panties just let me do it myself and let that be the only thing i have to do myself [Applause] that was a come joke and it took a little while and it didn't happen for everybody that was another i just don't i don't need a man to get creative in bed right i don't what do you think we

're gonna [ __ ] on the counter absolutely not it hurts my tailbone no you're gonna set me down on a fork you see you see that you see countertop sexy movies right they come in they're so passionate oh we love each other so much we can't even make it the 12 feet through this one bedroom apartment sure have sex in the kitchen but that's before it happens inevitably one person does a full forearm sweep of the kitchen counter that was a nine dollar creighton barrel wine glass do not break my [ __ ]

also here's okay man you've probably never been the recipient of countertop sex i have a little fun fact for you it doesn't matter how tall you are your dick is not high enough it's not so i'm doing this like horrible ab workout to get the angle right the edge of the counter is in my ass the upper cabinets are in my back just take me to the bed and [ __ ] me missionary it's all i want i don't need a man to be creative in bed i need him to be consistent one motion one spot do not change i know i

t is very exciting but i need you to stay calm i do still [ __ ] men i know it's a bad look in 2022 believe you me if i could change it i would but i am i'm dating i'm dating in new york and i've noticed a thing that i do in bed with men i try to trick the men that i'm in bed with into thinking that i'm hotter than i am and i think yeah i think everybody does this right men when it doesn't matter this is why candles are still around we don't need candles anymore but i do about one very specific

part of my body that i feel self-conscious about and that part is my boobs and you can look my boobs look great in a bra [Music] out of a bra my boobs are out of the frame are we yeah gravity takes over right when i lay on my back without wearing a bra my boobs are on either side of my body i can't blame them for that they've spent all day together they need a little time apart but i feel self-conscious about how they look and so what that means is i spend a lot of time in bed with my arms cross

ed right because that's the scam so i'm in bed and i'm like oh no it's just so chilly in here and that makes me mad uh blow the candle out but i had a revelation it it hit me finally that you can't hide what you look like when you're naked right of course you can't i can't trick this man into thinking my boobs are perkier than they are he's the one who just pulled one from behind my ear he knows right he knows and he's fine with it and ever since then i've been so much more confident naked not w

alking around naked all the time wiping my boobs around what they can do they can turn circles they can clap it's very fun anything you can do with your dicks i can do better a month ago i got curious about sex toys and i bought a dildo i bought a stainless steel dildo i went from zero to industrial i don't know if you've ever thought about a stainless steel dildo but there are two words to describe it and those words are cold and heavy it's about the weight of the baby that i don't want if that

puts it in perspective and i keep it by my bed so i realized that i have replaced a baseball bat with a sex toy right this thing is good for g-spotting and knocking out intruders can you imagine if a man broke into my home and just found me brandishing a stainless steel dildo i think he'd be like keep your tv you have a good night stay safe out there look i have never owned a gun but i do feel like with this by my bed i can now empathize with gun owners because with this by my bed i feel powerf

ul i feel safe and it replaces a big dick that's what guns are for and i'm treating it like a gun i am i'm like yeah you can take this from me when you pry it from my warm wet hands you