the [Music] good ladies and Gentlemen please give it up for my partner SL hands they don't want no problem [Applause] now Houston Texas what is up sit down people sit down sit down sit down woo look at us we are here we made it the last three years almost broke me I will tell you right now if uh the last couple of years have been difficult on you I highly recommend therapy I'm an uninsured American Entertainer so I don't have any of that [ __ ] so I recommend something different you got to find
an outlet is my point you get to that point you need to find an outlet for me it was fortnite that's what I did instead of therapy if you don't know what it is good for you you shouldn't you're an adult it was my outlet I found it my nieces introduced me to this game during the pandemic we played with them for about two weeks and we kicked those little [ __ ] off so the grown-ups could play I've never been called so many Terrible Things by children in my life than I have playing this game I had
an 8-year-old kid told me I shot like a Korean lesbian what does that even mean how are you racist homophobic and misogynistic in six words little kid that's you a guest on Joe Rogan you got to find your outlet fortnite works for me that's what keeps me off the internet correct in the way people spell the word there I thought the world was ending the pandemic got me that was a terrifying moment I was locked in my house all by myself with nothing but my imagination and the internet and I can conv
ince myself of just about anything if you give me that I thought the world was in it I thought covid was disease from the Bible I thought it was the horsemen of the apocalypse come to kill everybody I was freaking out oh my God is this about to happen and two weeks later Co was over I live in the south I know how fast it was over that's two weeks in we're like nope our bars are restaurants now come on back half off Coronas karaoke night they always want you to be afraid there's always some disea
se this was the current disease there's wild bird mad cow pig AES there's they just put an animal in front of the disease be afraid of it that's how I knew Co was over when they pranced out monkey pox that's what I knew be afraid of monkey poxs what is it we don't know but 15 people have it and 17 of them are gay disease there are no Horsemen of the Apocalypse to worry about disease is over what famine death war we're doing all right when was the last time you saw a famine people used to die fro
m not eating enough food that was that was the problem now we beat it we won people used to die from not eating enough now more people die every year from eating too much we won starvation starvation starvation America you understand famine showed up and we ate its horse do you get it you can't starve to death in America you tell me you starve to death in America they should just rule it a suicide they should just he meant to do that check his search history there is something going on here you
couldn't find food in America you you couldn't find a Girl Scout with some cookies or a tomali man tamales Tales Tomales you couldn't find somebody trying to feed you for the Instagram photo you couldn't eat the sandwich homeless man how do you say so skinny click cck it's cuz our food doesn't chase us back anymore we were in better shape when we had to work harder for it now everything comes freshly delivered to your door but our ancestors worked a little harder remember that back in the day if
your your wife wanted saber-tooth tiger for your anniversary you better limber up [ __ ] just now we have pre-cut avocados for your weak hands we beat disease we beat famine war that might be my favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse I love a war boy War didn't know what it was getting itself into when it got to us War had it easy from Millennia just starting fights Egyptians and Jews Cain and Abel Hundred Years War Crusades Vikings War got to us and we leaned in didn't we War shows up here's how
War Works we're like oh we know buddy World War I World War II Vietnam revolutionary war Civil War Korea whatever's going on in the Middle East we love a war and we like okay you guys are taking this way too seriously we're like ah Star Wars and Storage Wars and Cupcake Wars was like okay this is just a costume I just dress up like this on the weekends you guys warp it off more than it could chew you ever messed around and punched a methhead you ever done that I realize that's a very bulut Texas
metaphor to ask you to get I don't mean you started it I just mean they did something you did one of those get off me and they're like like oh [ __ ] your nerves are aren't connected to your brain right now that's what happened when War got to America War slapped us and we said harder daddy that war war had rules before us there were there were ways that wars were fought until America remember the British remember how they used to fight they used to line up in Rose remember that and just get sh
ot they would just line up and get shot and the dude behind you would just take your place and also get shot we weren't going to stand for that that wasn't how we were going to fight this war Remember When the British showed up in their dumb little Rose we weren't having that they're all hello we're here for the war where are [Music] you we're not having that we back here hiding in the bushes like some lizards what I think we're about to do they think we're about to go out there the [ __ ] we ar
e what you want to do we should cheat let's wait till they drink that tea and let's jump out and kill them all and then they drank that tea we jumped up dressed up like Christmas trees killed everybody B America I don't think they wanted to win y'all I don't they they wore red in the [Applause] snow and in case we still couldn't find them they brought a [Applause] drummer we planted that flag 245 years ago and we hadn't stopped fighting since sometimes we don't even need a b guy we'll fight each
other over what the flag means we always act like things can't mean more than one thing right the flag means this okay fair but if you're a young football player protesting racial Injustice that flag means something entirely different to you on Sundays than it does to a veteran who fought and was injured and saw that flag before he got wielded into the hospital overseas that flag means something different to him than it does to that young football player to the little Chinese girl who made that
[Applause] flag you think should say freedom do you think do you think do you think there's there's two guys went to fight in the Ukraine uninvited Americans just flew coach to the war flew coach and I want to believe that that's some deep-seated sense of Duty right that these men went over there because they felt obligated they had to they saw atrocity and the wars they fought in and decided to come do something about it but the truth is man if you're a soldier you're you're sort of on high al
ert all the time I've gone over and performed for these dudes and I was in Iraq the first time went in 2008 it was the hottest place I've ever been in my life it's 126° outside and yeah that woo your balls make that sound at a at 120 o oh they just S I didn't know y'all could talk little buddy I didn't even know it's the hottest place I've ever been in my life 126 degre these dudes live out it's you can't even explain that temperature to someone who's never experienced it you know how when you m
ake cookies and you lean in to check on them and you get a little too close like [ __ ] people live there it's the hottest place I've ever been I don't even think the terrorists hate us to be perfectly honest I think they blow themselves up to cool off I really do I really that these soldiers live tough lives we were in Baghdad in a place called solder City and it's hot outside and there's still activity at the time first comic is on stage when an IED off in the distance goes off boom and she fr
eezes and I peed a little cuz a bomb went off and I look at the soldier next to me who was that he just goes it wasn't close enough to matter and just moved on with his night and we just send those people home after that just go home be normal hang out in the suburbs are you [ __ ] kidding me of course they're in the Ukraine how long do you make it at a Starbucks when you've been wound up to 10 pushed out into society watching some girl just scrawling a misspelled name on some soy milkshake is t
hat Jeff with a G or is with a why it's a kid making a tick tock in the corner you know he's just like I could kill everybody in here with a [ __ ] napkin Starbucks will drive you insane here's what I found I like to make the world a better place what I like to do sometimes to make the world a better place I'll go to Starbucks cuz you know daytime you smoke a little too much pot it's daytime you got [ __ ] to do you're trying so you got to bring yourself back up to a functional place so you got
to go get a coffee it's like a Mormon speedball so here's what I like to do I'll go to get the coffee you got to go through the drive-thru it's important you're setting a certain stage here you tell the person i' like a medium coffee she'll go okay now when you get to the window you have to do some things differently you have to go hey what did the guy behind me have and she's G to go well he had a large coffee here's what you got to do you got to go let me get both of these this begins somethin
g beautiful right there's this pay it forward program is now in action and you can't leave you got to watch you got to pull up a little bit adjust your mirror put your car in park this is your magic Savory it cuz the guy's going to go to pay behind you and you're going to see this little pan ofine this interchange he's going to going to go to pay and you're going to see a and that wave is what you're looking for it lets you know you begun this beautiful thing and now you were free to leave and g
et back in line and get all the [ __ ] you wanted the first time but didn't want to pay for [Applause] right 19 cake pops put them in a bag they're free I know the law this is the dumbest I've ever felt in my life I justes mean overall it's a I used to be smart back before all the information came out for before we knew everything for I used to be the guy in bars I was smart and I would say something and you couldn't argue with me you either agreed with me or you [ __ ] left now you got your pho
ne with the entirety of the internet on it that's not correct I didn't have to deal with that there was no dude Wheeling his wagon full of books into the stupid bar now all the information is out there I've never felt Dumber I learned this the other day I didn't know this maybe you did this is new information to me do you know know conventional wisdom how on average how many spiders the normal person eats in their sleep and and who just said in a year who said who just said what I heard what sev
en what how many eight over there anybody eight that's bunch of eights okay uh you guys congratulations that is conventional wisdom good for you um the correct answer is zero woo buddy just so we're clear nobody's sleep eating spiders over here I I did a little bit of research and uh here's what I here's what I can tell you so you can rest easy literally spiders don't like a couple of things some of those things are dark wet vibrating holes I don't know if you've seen you sleep eight but look at
the person you love right now you've seen them sleep look right at her look at how many you just making those SE in your way through the night like you killed Anakin's mother you don't tell me there's spiders falling in that noisy quick sand look at her there's no way you're killing that many spiders in your sleep and if you're catching eight how many are making it that's the eight you're sucking in and your sleep how many must be crossing your face every night just running willy-nilly left to
right all just red rovering it from one side of your face to the other just Red Light Green Light squid gaming it across you just frogging it from nope and that's maybe one suicidal spider maybe one who's just like tired he's been thinking about it every night he comes and dangles his legs on the side of your mouth like as a Japanese Forest just maybe one spider who spent all his money on Jordans or something it's like four repair that's a lot of shoes and that's just the ones we kill with our m
ouths eight spiders times8 billion people that's 64 billion spiders we're genociding just with our faces just that's not the ones we kill regular style that you hit with a shoe or you shoot with Lysol cuz you didn't have real spray we're so stupid our heads are full of stuff like this that we all believe and we don't even know why we just heard it somewhere right we heard it from an ant or somebody that sticks in our head we call it fact our ancestors did their own research and I believe that wh
oleheartedly they they had to there was no other information if you were a hunter gatherer on the plane and you went out with your friend ug lug it's an old name you're out in the plains he goes off to fish your your job is gathering you find a [Music] mushroom I don't know what this mushroom does I can't look it up there's no Google Lens there's no Field Guide to mushrooms there's only one way to find out what this mushroom does come here ug lug eat this mushroom and then in 4 hours we'll have
some data he'll either come back dead or he will have seen God and either way write it down he's like I can smell every digit of pie we are going to need to invent a teapot this I'm not designed for this environment I probably belong better with our ancestors in a less noisy world I think our ancestors optimized for a certain environment now everything's so noisy and I don't know how how to to sort through it our ancestors only had to focus on six or seven things that's all you can really hold i
n your attention and those things better be important Fire Water Shelter your baby that better be in the list cuz if it's not that tiger will run in and eat your baby but how distracted are we now I wake up in the morning I got a text message telling me check my email to remind me about the zoom show I got to do later and it doesn't matter if I answer that they can just get me on DM or im or pm on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter or slack I have four email addresses and every one of them has a d
ifferent password and every one of those passwords has to have a imaginary number a hieroglyphic or half of irrational number and they all got to be different every one of them signs me up for another mailing list and I try to unsubscribe from the mailing list but then they send me a message thanking me for unsubscribing and now I have to unsubscribe from the unsubscribe and I try to click but every cursor jumps just a little or the X is too small or the thing keeps turning or there's a countdow
n and I go you know what I can't handle this it's just 30 second swipes left and right that's all my monkey brain can process right now and I go enough of this I'll just go to the real world where it's safe but there's there's car alarms and 7 a.m. weed eaters and leaf blowers and balloons are falling out of the sky and trains are crashing and there's goddamn politicians and I nope so I'll just go back online but I can't stop scrolling I'm just a monkey that keeps scrolling and scrolling for 3 m
inutes then 30 minutes then 3 hours then 3 days then 3 weeks then three months I don't know how to stop I've never once left feeling better than when I got on and I just found out a celebrity died I didn't even know was still alive and now I'm sad how did that happen and it's just a machine algorithm laser drilling into my skull and it's giving me nothing but stuff I want and absolutely nothing I need you know what tiger just eat the [ __ ] baby okay just you want some Sriracha it's rooster ketc
hup I don't have any kids that should be evident I think I'd be good at I'd be a good parent but it would interrupt my life a lot I think I'm just like there's other ways to leave a legacy I don't know my friends though they all tell every friend you're just missing out man you're just missing out they all say that but then they all like they just got attacked by a raccoon a little you know what I mean where is that [Music] now you ever play that what if game with your life what if your life's t
rajectory had been altered slightly like I got no kids now but I think about the girl I was madly in love with in school growing up what would have happened if she had known I existed um she didn't I I could have stolen her purse but she's she's never not been pregnant that the whole sentence that was not a single day not since high school I know I got Facebook you can check these things and every day she's online either holding up a pregnancy test or it's a pregnancy photo or she's got a sonogr
am she shoots babies out like they are t-shirts at a Rockets game she is and then she reloads it like a civil war Cannon those are cats they all say I'm missing out say if you just raised the kid slay didn't understand how awesome raising a kid is it's so amazing you should do it I go is it even God didn't raise the baby you know what I mean the most arguably perfect baby that has ever walked the planet and he's like no no no no no you bring that back when it's 33 I'm not about to Baby proof Hea
ven this is my youngest niece she's five and I'm trying to be a good uncle I try to play these roles I try to help him she's she's a good kid she's sharp she's headstrong she's uh we're working on it I went to my brother's house the other day and he just had this exasperated look on his face and I go what's up he goes your nice and I go what happened he goes well she got a little incident on the playground she was kind of bullying some kids being mean for no reason the teacher sent her home I to
ld her she was in trouble and she goes I don't care I go oh my God I go what' you do he goes well I sent her to her room she said she didn't care I told her I was going to take all her toys away she goes I don't care I go what' you do he goes I don't know she just runs the house right now I go all right man well let me take a crack at it he goes okay he goes if you think you can I go sure I go let me let me take her for ice cream he goes whatever man so I grab her by her little hand I go come he
re Rock Steady I call her Rock Steady cuz she's got a head like a [ __ ] Rhino she's she'll run through a sheetrock wall this kid she's like a Masti she's so I come here let's go get some ice cream I take her to get ice cream and where're sitting there and I go Hey listen you you really can't be mean to people like this it's it hurts when when we do this to other people and we need to stop and she goes I don't care I go all right well if you're mean to people as a grownup they will take you stra
ight to jail how about that she goes I'm not afraid of jail I go come here you little heer and I I bring her out to the car I shut the doors I put her in the the passenger seat and I put my phone on the dash and for the next 15 minutes me and my 5-year-old niece binged watched women's prison fights and then I dropped her back off at my brother's house I thought I'd solv the problem I get a phone call about a week later and I go what's up he goes oh your niece I go did I solve the problem he goes
God no she beat up the [Applause] snitch I go what happened he goes well he goes listen he goes the other day we're at this birthday party for some kids there's some Ren aops at the Event Center some security guards some of the kids were acting up one of the guards s came over casually says to the group hey you kids wouldn't want me to bring you to jail would you he goes and your niece lost her mind she's screaming at anybody who will listen oh no we don't want to go to jail no no no they'll ma
ke us pee and poop in front of strangers and then we'll have to take showers with other girls and if they don't bring soap and we got to fight for it you better sharpen the end of your unicorn toothbrush [ __ ] I got my niece making toilet apple juice selling Black Market Pizza [Applause] squares my brother told me he goes I fixed it man he goes the other day he goes it's just me and her daddy daughter day she wants to watch a movie she wants me to pick it I said okay he goes and I picked a chil
dhood favorite The Never Ending Story he goes and I had to explain it to her beforehand I said honey this isn't like the movies you watch with all the CGI this is from my era when the effects had to be real so everything you see on [Applause] screen really happened if you don't know the movie there it's cool you should watch it there's a big flying dog there's a rock eating Rock there's a turtle with allergies but there's this scene where a tryu our hero has to lead his best friend his horse ARX
across the swamps of sadness and if you don't know what the swamps of sadness are there a swamp where if you get sad you drown and that's how the'80s taught us about depression that's not a lot of metaphor back then really just don't do it or you'll die pretty much the whole lesson so my brother said he goes I waited till that scene started right when they got to the swamps of sadness he goes and I just left he goes and I came back in when I heard her start crying he goes and she's just balling
her eyes what was you baby was this and he goes this is what it feels like when you're mean to people stop that [ __ ] goes next Saturday we're watching old y this is I like my life it's I spent a significant amount of it single my life is pretty unorthodox it doesn't lend itself to stable relationships um usually my friends all try to set me up well man you just need somebody with a similar lifestyle and then it'll work I'm gone a lot I travel a lot my life is public who is that they go theye
an influencer okay listen I dated one of these miserable listen it looks so good on paper so good they're beautiful they're tattooed they do yoga everywhere their life is an Instagram account it's wonderful but there's nothing in there and I think I'll tell you let me tell you how this ended and then I'll tell you what happened um she left me unexpectedly and I think she's in Chile now I think um but when that happens I think it's important to find a way to get over it you need a process some me
chanism you can borrow mine what I like to do is think long and hard about that person and come up with a list of things about them that I do not like and then that eventually becomes hate and hate leads to anger anger leads to the dark side and I think that's how you get a red lightsaber if there was there were some things I didn't like about her they were tough non-negotiables one super superficial like overly superficial in the gym every day all the time all the time all the time I'm not in b
ad shape but you can't I'm not joining your workout cult not I'm not doing that it it was CrossFit every day and I don't trust those people even a little I do not how do you have that many ropes and tires in a building no one's built a swing why are you so not fun [Applause] why she tried to recruit me with a podcast some bro yelling at me trying to make me feel like a piece of [ __ ] to better my life and it just it's terrible it's just this dude hey you ready to get in the best shape of your l
ife you little piece of [ __ ] you ready don't be a little [ __ ] I got you this the hardest 75 days you've ever done in your life first of all all you got to do it's real simple all you got to do not eat for 75 straight days that's step one 75 straight days no food now on day 30 you're allowed to lick a cracker but you got to put it right back in the Box do you understand me you're going to lick that Cracker you going to put in the Box you're going to not eat for 75 days then you're going to dr
ink a gallon of water each and every day that's what you're going to do just a full gallon of water eaching every day this how we're going to get your core in shape you little [ __ ] do you understand it's going to get your core in shape you're going to not eat for 75 straight days you're going to lick that Cracker you're going to drink that gallon of water you're going to be in the best shape of your life do you don't say you can't do it you little [ __ ] I've had people with no arms and no leg
s let's complete this program so if you're telling me you can't do it you're a straight up little [ __ ] [Music] [ __ ] I have so many questions fir first of all M multiple people with no arms and no legs I don't even know multiple people and you suckered more than one of them into this cult how did you do that too who they they drank the water how how he's barely a gallon if you count to head he's not even a whole C what he do it through a Geral bottle like a squirrel that fell out of a tree ho
w plus he's all core all cour he doesn't have to mess with leg day or arm day or any day really it's say all neck day every day two she had this dog and I'm okay if you got a dog I like dogs dogs are cool but don't use your dog dog against me don't use your dog as a litmus test as to whether or not we're supposed to be together my dog doesn't like you [ __ ] your dog right in his dumb little dog face okay for starters it's barely a dog barely it's one of those half face bred down to just hair an
d suffering snuffling like a truffle pig have you seen this little sad dog a pillar dragging his poor body one day he will make a cocoon and become a butterfly tattoo your final form my dog doesn't like you [ __ ] him we won they used to be monsters that ate us around campfires and you got him in yoga pants that is he doesn't like you he barks when he's around you I speak dog he is asking me to kill him I know that for sure sure have you tried chocolate little buddy have you I would pinch your n
ose if I could find it everything was for the Instagram everything was for the Instagram with her everything I didn't realize that we went to Mexico on a little vacation it was lovely I thought it was going to be great every time we passed a body of water she had to do yoga and and no one tells you that someone has to take those pictures and it's you and and they're not good at yoga the final picture is but it's after watching this miserable hoe almost drown for 30 straight minutes just flopping
around in the ocean am I beautiful am I beautiful she come up just blowing that pacific nety pot out of her face just wiping hair in old water like old Greg she looks like a dolphin that a going to make it am I beautiful I don't know it was on video do it again do it again do it again it was so miserable by day two I had a cus on my thumb by day three every body of water we pass she had to do it we're walking down this stretch and it's a pretty aggressive stretch of beach there's a rip current
that comes in there's signs everywhere letting you know that people can get sucked out and in fact do to the tune of three to five a year and as we're walking past this stretch of beach she's trapped in her little narcissistic bubble she doesn't see any of the signs she's I God I want to do yoga she went to hand me the phone I was like babe this is a terrible [Applause] Sunset to waste you're going to want to back up back up a little bit man she tried to hand me the dog I was like no no no he wa
nts to go I promise I like I said she left me unexpectedly and if I know how the tides work I think she's in Chile now [Applause] I we need different ways of seeing the world I only got my own dumb little way and it's not right it's barely right I see the world I'm an introvert that's I see the world through the eyes of an introvert Through The Eyes of a median those are my filters I it doesn't sound like this is the kind of place for an introvert to be doing standup but this is also kind of the
most alone I know how to be this is the only place I can turn everything off I can roll up the limo glass there's no noise allowed I can't do that in the real world I can't make that weed eater stop I can't make that screaming kids stop or the sirens or the car alarms or the speakers or the no I can't make any of that stop but up here I can do it and it's always a person in the front row that's usually where hecklers come from this first couple is not together and I know they're not together be
cause they've spent most of the night drunkenly screaming out we're not together everyone in the room hates them by the time I get on stage the dude has been asked to leave he got a little drunk he threw up on his shoe a little not a lot but a little just a just a just a little [Applause] just ju just enough to scare an Uber driver you know what I mean just a my friend if you do it again you're not my friend okay so by the time I get up there the dude is gone the woman is still in the room and I
go into a setup somewhere in there I go so I'm single and out of nowhere she goes no [ __ ] she yells this out and I believe in warning shots hey lady you're single too remember I'm going continue she can't let it go she goes it's different I'm a widow she yelled us out in a comedy club I'm a widow I didn't miss a beat I go so [Applause] suicide she was like no heart attack I was like no that was a suggest all right I know that's my third suicide joke at my show you're like is he okay I'm okay
but death is a Horseman of the apocalypse and we I skipped it um because we don't like to talk about it it's heavy right nobody likes to but I think we we should be more open to it it's the only commonality we all have it's the only thing we share I don't care what you think or what you think you know the only thing we don't know is what's on the book ends right what's on either side of whatever we're experiencing right now and that should be beautiful to us should make us love each other more s
hould make us focus on the time we have together but we don't know it scares us and the words of probably my favorite philosopher ever cotton iaba Joseph where where do we come from where where do we [Applause] go there's just so many choices there's so many places it could be Nirvana Valhalla Allah I hope it's not reincarnation I hope that's not what it is what if I come back as me what I hope it's not ghosts I don't want to be a ghost I don't want to dress up like a Victorian fisherman or what
ever have they not updated the Wardrobe ever for ghosts why is everyone dressed like they live in the 1800s has nobody died since Crocs came out how how you got to walk up and down stairs every night you should get some comfortable Footwear I hope I haunt an escalator that's what I hope so many options All Dogs Go to Heaven All Dogs even that sniveling little bastard from Mexico even him I don't want to see him again what if you were married more than once multiple wives what happens when you ge
t up there which one do you get you going to let me get a both Lord you going let me maybe neither I don't know what your Heaven is [Applause] but my friend thinks we go to regular Heaven I said what's that he goes you know old men streets of gold oh okay that's fair streets of gold though that's a soft metal I live in a big city I know what potholes do to your car I know I only got one spare tire what happens when I got four flats who am I going to call not a tow truck driver they're for sure i
n help for sure for sure for sure for sure I hope whatever it is is easy and I hope it's quiet I hope they take your cell phones at the door right at the Pearly gate just put them in the bag like you're the Dave Chappelle so I hope the internet is out and I hope they paid for the afterlife with no ads that's what I hope and I hope whatever you got to do to get in I hope it's easy I hope all you have to do is solve a capture wouldn't that be great just identify all the crosswalks and you're in an
d there would still be people fighting about that that's not a crosswalk I know what a crosswalk is no that's a my grandfather was a crosswalk I identify as a crosswalk and those of us who know the real secret will get in anything's a crosswalk if you're brave enough open the door we confront it every day man people we we run from it my my favorite story involves a couple that is running from the end um they're seated in the front row of a show I was doing in San An anonio Texas and I got to des
cribe this couple for the sake of the story have you ever met people who can't be the age they are no one wants to get older right 20 doesn't want to turn 30 40 doesn't want to turn 50 60 doesn't want to turn 70 70 doesn't want to di like those people in The Notebook like no one so this couple front row man woman the they're they're young they're 59 maybe going into 60 they got their lives ahead of them but they can't own it the dude is wearing the ugliest shirt I have ever seen with my face bri
ght blue Paisley white cuffs jalapenos embroidered on the inside it yeah it's ugly by Texas standards this is a yeah it looks like every G Brooks album at the same time all the fences and he's in there with this woman who has had all the plastic surgeries done you could possibly have done and I don't want to talk you out of plastic surgery right maybe something's wrong you want to fix it helps your self-esteem but people when you making those concrete duck lips and getting every part of your bod
y refitted I understand some people got some bad boobs I feel you I do they're not all created equal I don't even mean all sets I mean some lefts and rights don't match can we you ever been around somebody when they're like do you want to see the Twins and you're like damn are they fraternal those those don't look anything alike those those look like Forest Whitaker's eyes [Music] look like the one on the left was directed by Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez got the one on the right so this man an
d the woman this woman has had all the plastic surgeries everything if it could be Nip Tuck tied back stitched up Botox she has paid for it here's the problem with plastic surgery they have never figured out how to fix the neck it's the Holy Grail they can't you can landscape around the dead body but your neck still looks like a pumpkin stem is that wicker furniture that looks this they have been talking the whole show and by the time I get on stage they're still talking and I again I believe in
warning shots right I go hey I didn't think you two could be louder than his shirt but you did it and normal people would have G oh my God we didn't realize herping so loud not these two they get louder I got to stop the whole show I go hey I go if you guys are going to talk the whole time there's 400 people in this room we all want to know what's so important and the woman looks up at me she goes [Music] cuz that's the sound her neck makes like a like like a shower curtain made a lunch meat ju
st she goes I was just telling him that shirt you made fun of cost 10 times more than those ugly shoes you're wearing and I don't care about my shoes but have have you ever said something that came out of your mouth so fast you would even realize you said it where where're halfway through you're just a spectator to your own [ __ ] she goes 10 times more than those shoes you're wearing I go yeah half as much as that Picasso painting you call a face it happens so fast even I was like oh [ __ ] did
you just hear what that dude said to you she is losing her mind she's screaming at the guy she came [Music] with she whipping together for 30 years me and you 30 years you get up and defend me right now I'm like lady you're going to get his ass beat I it's not even going to be me I go watch by Applause how many people was these two was shut up and 400 people go and I go that is is what hate sounds like so stop and she goes no 30 years we've been together 30 years you do something right now I'm
like seriously he's going to stand up 400 people are going to pile on top of him like agent Smith in that Matrix movie so so just stop and she goes n and y'all there comes a the point where you have to acknowledge the fact that you can't shut another person up there's nothing I can say that's going to make this stop I got to let her run out of stuff to say all on her own I let her Trail off like the end of a Leonard skinnard song takes about seven and a half minutes and eventually the room gets
quiet and this I look down at her this is one of the most horrible things I I shouldn't giggle uh I look down I just go I let the room get dead silent and I go look ma' I'm sure you were pretty when you were young I know this is such a good sentence that's that is ugly and old before the comma this is I go so don't take this the wrong way but ma'am you look exactly like Willam [Applause] defo and I mean Boondock Saints Willam defo too like there was a fire fight like if she paints her face green
three Spider-Man are coming through the ceiling do you understand I go so the best thing you can do is just get up and leave and she stands up she gets this horribly pained look on her her fa well as much pain as you can generate with no nerve endings but she stands up she storms out of the room and it just leaves me and this dude having this stare off and he's looking up at me like you you know I got to do something and I'm looking back like how about you just don't do nothing and he slowly st
arts to rise up out of his chair and I grab the mic stand cuz I'm not getting rocked at my own damn show dude gets all the way to his feet he looks both ways makes sure she's gone he sets a 20 on the stage he goes broh I've been wanting to say that [ __ ] for about 30 years Houston I love [Music] you [Music] [Applause] tell me now what you need get on up off your knees Game Stop playing the te weing out just cutting your te I'm ripping and watching them bleed tell me now you need spreading this
like a disease shut your mouth and got a PR let it on on the table to leave and if everybody's leaving I'll go it [Music] alone and still so tell me now what do you need didn't think that I walk away didn't think I'd hear what you say my heart life on that day you kept taking what do you need here I am now talking to you here I am now nothing to prove I'm done I'm through me now what you need and if everybody's leaving I'll go eat it [Music] on and I [Music] still [Music] waiting been Wai and I
still [Music] waiting [Music] I'm just [Applause] going been [Music] waiting and still waiting been waiting [Music] yeah still so tell me now what you [Music] need tell me now what you need tell me now tell me now what you [Music] need now what do you need [Applause] [Music] me now what you need
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