Spy x Family ABRIDGED - Episode 01

It all started with a bad game of chicken. The heat's not so bad it's the humidity that gets you. I hate being an uber driver my life sucks dare me to drive us off this bridge! No. Okay! (screams) We both died. I won. And that's  how I got reincarnated as a spy. Yes it's another isekai, we saw the  numbers, you thirsty little chuckle sponges. We are on the brink of world war [insert  number] and all of our spies are on strike! Maybe we let them unionize? And bankrupt our trillion dollar industry

? The government?! Let's freelance! Freelance? I know a guy that can do it all for free. Immune to detection because we never actually make contact, and he's off the payroll. We've never seen his true face but I still stan. So he's like an espionage uber driver?  When does he find the time... for love So... this humidity is committing  "terrorism" on my hair. Excuse me, I have to go kill myself again. Have a heart and leave behind an estate at least! Reincarnated is a strong word. I'm  in a perp

etual state of rebranding. My most consistent is code name: Twilight. My  mission? I'll receive a debrief on it shortly... Why are you trading newspapers for a weirdo?! Mine doesn't have the sports section. Sports is code for super secret spy stuff... "Konnichiwa. It's Mi6. Been't hollering at our  favorite spy for most consequential mission. Your target is head coach for the East Ostanian  Redskins, a team name so problematic it could start a war. You must send him a cease and  desist but the o

nly way to make contact is at an elite private school event. Get some babes,  birth some babes. Domesticate and infiltrate." Look look! He gets the motivation wrong, but he  always knows the target without input from us! What is this man clairvoyant?! No. Men would just rather commit international subterfuge than go to therapy. This briefing is not per diem and will  self-destruct... (Mouths explosion sounds) The words really pop off the page, don't they?! I'd like to adopt a wife? You mean a ch

ild bride? Eh... I don't care  what you do with them after being dries. That came out wrong, I'd like to  lawfully bind myself to a child? This little weirdo might be your speed. Fun fact about me, oh my fingerprints have been burnt off! Excellent. There will be no paper trail if she dies on this mission. This  top secret spy mission because... (music plays) "I'm an international... Super spy~!!!" what are you looking at you little meat puppet?  Do a flip or I'm adopting something else. My joint

s aren't developed yet! I want that one! I want that one! This is your  one and only debrief: I'm allergic to fun, fortnite dances and child dander. You're  allowed to slumber here, here and here! you watch this garbage we can't afford cable i  work for a non-profit the only one at your job not making a profit is you she just doesn't  understand the sigma mentality now it's time for reconnaissance i'm going out for food stamps  it's welfare wednesday i want to do this myself too daddy star i'm t

he world's greatest  spy father i want to eat microplastics good news we're in a first world country  it's in everything one credit card please here's our highest interest rate it has hello  kitty on it hello kitty goodbye college fund i got a paper clip of this kit before i  have to refinance my streaming services what do i do mcdonald's coffee cup  we can put a rock in it shake it i'm tossing them in the rubbish  as soon as she falls asleep normal enough oh they just detect  better if i eat it

the cover is plastic normal children don't learn  by eating they cheat with wiggy google ah and don't touch my stuff while  i'm out the code to my oyez80085 and no fortnight dances you actually left  your child to get cigarettes you got the whole internet laughing bro give me the scoop  please i'm a thirsty little flower do you want maxim or sports illustrated no i want  the scoop this is a magazine stand sir if you're so listing sexual favors i'm calling  the police scoop me up already [ __ ]

boy you're the sich [ __ ] right i am but not a  single word you said was in the cipher are you freelance no i'm covered in flavor you're amateur  get the effing [ __ ] out of here you make me ill audrey needs our help on his  mission what do you think mr beard we're receiving a transmission from  twilight he's become self-aware he's halfway to full-time  benefits send in the union buses phew father will be so happy right mr bear  there's no time for games project shadow you only have one missio

n rid  our oceans of microplastics if father failed his mission we'll have to leave economists are predicting 20 to 30 hit you on gdp finally my formal interview  are you proud of daddy now anya hmm it seems i've been compromised i need  to get the safety and a new tie as for anya there's plenty of kids in the farm  all of us are in the fight of our lives now i take solace knowing that our spy agency is  so healthy and open that the man organizing this misguided endeavor actually approached me d

irectly  as i am sharing with all of you now that was me while we're being open with each other my wife's  giving birth today and i'd like some fraternity as the ceo of government i know the truth  i sit with our people i eat our people i am the people hey ken government we found  the front runner for the union chair that guy was really professional i left a cv and a list of  references in his pocket if you need them actually i think twilight just made himself redundant  huh what kind of team ja

ck of [ __ ] is this of the world's my spy i'll have to  switch occupations of a camera method his guardians abandoned him as a wee wallaby and  he's been in danger his whole life he doesn't want that life for you either there is an orphan too  anya and a couple bloats ben and jerry if it's jerry with two r's you're good if not go away  you stupid animal i don't love you anymore oh no if i truly loved her letting go would hurt too much can none of you working unison tell me one  thing sir elepha

nt man you have a friggin gun to my head am i totally enough for the turtle  club gosh damn you are the world's greatest spy welcome to the team agent  twilight oh my gosh for real huh anya father father i disguised myself i own you too anya and i have the receipt  leaving a paper trail in sloppy father if we are truly to sell the illusion of  a family i'll need to find her a mother being a hot single father draws too much attention single fathers are not in this season but i  guess you can't be

picky at your age you're i'm 27. they've arrested spinsters younger than  you it's considered suspicious by the government with all these spies on the streets today  you know from all the union protests so make sure to bring a cute boyfriend to my husband's  wrist this weekend where i'm calling the police so good they slash them and associates  we heard you were in need of assistance preparing your retirement plan  and or will i'm not that old got too comfortable with my career and life  flew b

y enough adult diapers it's your nigerian prince very funny sir maintain that smile  you have a client this evening thorn princess pardon me cherished elder but are you  lost whose mom is this do i look like the motherly type to you are those crochet  needles look at that she's got dementia pardon me cherished senator but there are some  holes in your administration in need of sewing they are crochet needles aren't they  and what kind of granny can't even knit here are all the hot stockable spin

sters in your  area you owe me a new computer can't we call in another spy to play my wife there's a shortage of  female spies at the agency because of the union protests because of the sexual harassment protests  how does the world keep spinning with so many of its finest agents m.i.a almost like it spins just  fine without us now hurry up i hear single fathers are going out of season and soon it will be the  summer of frankie he's having a kind of bad thing only if you're a single mother aren'

t you got too  comfortable in my career my life flew by you've been employed for 16 hours and now i can afford  retail therapy come on yeah let's get matching pant suits you have 15 minutes unpaid before you  have to cover the other spy's shifts leave some room to grow surely there's one woman around here  desperate enough to play along hello fellow old woman my dress is in dire need of repair can't  stitch it yourself back the antsy until soil it's rude to stare sir oh sorry for giving you the 

old savories i was just attracted to my physical appearance despite my age miss i'm 26 and a  half and honestly i thought you were younger than me father my life has been established oh  no i'm a cradle-rocking homewrecker then again i could just assassinate his wife no no no  i mustn't think these impure thoughts on you better not [ __ ] this up for me the  thoughts you are attempting to exercise i know it's out of line but  should i hit her back for you you and i are going to get along famous

ly  now follow me outside the debriefing oh so soon and so it was my late wife's final  request to install our daughter into the finest nuclear family dynamics worshiping school in  the country which will be possible if you pose as my wife during the interview i accept but  only if you pose as my boyfriend for a party i just started this new job and i want to make a  good impression on the boss mother would love to we're going to cover this shift quickly so  i can make it to the party i'm just a

sich [ __ ] i can't help you with i'll report you  to management for looking up hot stockable spinsters on company time i am management and  you'll have to give yourself compliance training this is how i'm repaid for trying to make a  difference in the world we're seizing 78 art pieces valued at 3 million ducks reward  yourself with the few that go missing i mail ordered and everything  hope he wasn't expecting a tip you actually came alone you're the most courageous  woman i know i will quietl

y await death now now which one of these babies  should become my meager gratuity you can't honestly expect a tip after  that performance we're being chased that said dibs hey that's the most  expensive one it's a work expense welcome chosen one to your  new unearned life full of big titty anime white foods and low bar profit margins so we're all excited to see that you've begun  the process of dying and now we're wondering if you'd like to stop inconveniencing us with the  thought of our own mo

rtality and go to a fun retirement home you'd get to wear a pretty new  dress that you can poop in and they'll change it like every two weeks if it's staffed properly  talk about your low budget retirement plans no food or movies i'm sorry i ran late finding a  babysitter for anya but you should see the other guy you're you didn't tell me you had a husband  this is my second marriage and i already have a quirky pink-haired child so you didn't want to  make anybody seethe with jealousy oh take th

at slash still is trust me i'm not and i doubt  it whoops enjoy the harvey dent treatment damn wife are you doing anything after you're is  good at keeping secrets did she tell you about the disgusting work she did before what did  those men in the hotel rooms call it massages massages were an alibi for occupational murders lloyd what a noble profession huh you and i have  been supporting ourselves since we were children we both understand that working hard  for one's dignity and with pride can

be the loneliest endeavor even when it's a  job that soothes the loneliness of others i am so hashtag blessed to have found another  with such long history of equally tight work ethic and the only thing i find disgusting is your  behavior camilla your old daft miserable worn out hag and that graton is saltier than you are sorry  dave nothing said was untrue let's go home yo there he is damn [ __ ] spills  the tea but she can't drink it calling assassins on my new  husband camilla would stoop sol

o your words not mine that was too good to be true  i should have known no it's just twilight twilight your cover is about to be blown and the agency is  offering your only out but you gotta take it right now it's lloyd huh lloyd forger i'm an independent  contractor but for once in my cosmically inconsequential life i'd like to depend on someone  else if i wasn't such a coward uh honey you just insulted the head of a homeowner's association  while wearing men's warehouse you're the most courage

ous man i've ever met i'm afraid of  disappointing the people who depend on me you will what matters most is that you be  there even in sickness or in sadness no matter what hardships await us i'm out of shotgun weddings but this is ridiculous missions end until death do our grinds part if you'd like top secret early access to all  of our parodies and more consider supporting us on patreon remember to subscribe and  thanks for keeping joyride's engine burning