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(ominous music) (horns honk) (foghorn honks) (engine whirs) (horns honk) (engines whir) (bell rings) (horns honk) (engines whir) (bell rings) - Goddammit. (phone rings) Hey, mom. You bought this phone. No one else has this number. It's fine. I just slept most of the flight. He were supposed to meet me here 10 minutes ago. Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. I will give it to him first thing. I promise. I love you too. - Hey, round guy, you... What the hell are you wearing? Dude, get in the car before the lo

cals think the imperialists have returned. Come here! Dick. You see the ass on that girl back there? Well, I think it was a girl, but you gotta be careful out here, man. A lot of chicks with dicks. - I thought we were in a hurry. - Right. Let's get this Marcus brother adventure started. Pork chop express! (upbeat music) (horns honk) Dude, put this on. You still with the weak stomach, private? - It's sergeant, you asshole. What's this? - Pepto. - It's green. - [Alex] Just drink it. - Thanks. (Ale

x chuckles) - It's a fucking crazy place. You gotta pay attention. Quit talking to me. I'm trying to drive. (upbeat music) - [Bob] You dick. - [Alex] FYI, there's a tiger out here that the locals call Lionel, the dong eater. - Funny. The henchman gets up to go kick his ass. But before he gets to him, the Joker slams a pencil down on a table and he says, "I'm gonna make this pencil disappear," like a magic trick and-- - Oh! Holy shit! Chicken crates. - So what, just drive around it. - Somebody's

got to move 'em. The trucks are so packed, they fall off all the time. - And they just leave them here? - Yeah, sort of take a penny, leave a penny sort of thing. - Do you hear that? - [Alex] Dude, be careful. - [Bob] I know. I know. I'll keep a look out for the dog-eating lion. - It's tiger, actually, but I was talking about snakes. - [Bob] Shit. - Some fancy footwork, Sally. I can't believe you're still that scared of snakes. - Hey, Alex, check us out, man. This is rotor housing for a Huey. -

Yeah, it's 'Nam. There's war trash everywhere. Congratulations. Toss it back in the jungle. Let's go. - Are you kidding? A kid could get hurt with this. - If there's a kid out there, he's got bigger problems, all right? And trust me, the kids here are a lot smarter than you. Come on. I wanna hear how the Joker got his scars. - Whatever. - Almost there. You are gonna love this place, great view of the valley, a lot of tiny women. Trust me. I figured Brian proposed the George. - And they got marri

ed a little while ago. - Those cocksuckers didn't even invite me. - I'm not sure they like being called that. - That's not the PC term? Fair enough. Did you go? - Nah, the ceremony was in Delaware. But they threw a ridiculous party when they came back. - Geez. B-money throws the best ragers. - [Bob] Mm-hmm. How about you? - Just enjoying life. Plus school keeps me pretty busy. - I still can't believe you're teaching. You like it? - Actually, I do. The kids are great. - That's bullshit. - Serious

ly. I love 'em, man. Sometimes it's like they're teaching me. - [Bob] Wow, man, that's really cool, actually. - I'm fucking with you! Kids are idiots. - That's more like my older brother. - I do like the job though. The pay is good. It gives me plenty of time to fuck around and travel. The best part is messing with the kids. And kids will believe anything you tell 'em. Like this one little turd left, Dong Lin, but I told my class that he just refused to do his homework so I had no choice but to

feed him and his entire family to the tiger. - The entire family? - Absolutely. But I do like convincing them that things can be different, you know, that the world can be better than just this fucked up place that they wake up to every day. - [Bob] Good luck with that. - Whatever you do, do not look the cook in the eye. I'll explain later. Let's cross here. (horn honks) Whoa! Jesus! Remember, over here, they're all Asian drivers. Good evening, Vietnam! Man, I've been making that joke for the la

st four years, every single day. I'm not very popular. Yeah, Yahtzee. - That is good. - Damn straight. It starts off with a little fire and ends with a little tickle in your nuts. - What is it? - I don't even really know. I think it's like ancient Vietnamese moonshine. - Where'd you get it? - Well, when I first moved here, I planted a garden. And just when it started to produce, something started picking at all my herbs and vegetables. So I asked around but nobody else was having the same proble

m. But every few days, I would wake up and all sorts of stuff would be missing. So I wake up one night and I look out my window and there's this old lady in my garden, just creeping around, man. She must have been about a thousand years old. What she'd do is she'd look for really specific ingredients. And when she found what she wanted, she'd just scurry off into the jungle. I got up the next day and looked for a path but I couldn't find one. - Man, if she ends up being a ghost, I swear, I'm gon

na kick you in the nuts. - Dude, shut up. All right, you know I don't believe in that stuff, and you also know I have a huge need to know exactly what's going on. - Unfortunately, I do. - So I got a bag full of what I thought to be her favorites and I left it outside. I waited for five nights in a row and nothing. On the sixth night, I accidentally fell asleep. When I woke up, it was still night outside. And I looked to where I'd left the bag and it wasn't there. A few yards to the left, there's

the old lady holding the bag in her gnarled old hand. She beckons for me to follow her. - And of course, you go. - Absolutely. She leads me down this little path, doesn't say a word to me the entire time. And then we get to this little hut. Jeez, inside was fucking crazy. There's so much crazy shit in there, man. It was like a place that you could go to buy a fetus in a jar or a Mogwai. She grabs this huge bottle. The thing was heavy, but she hands it out to me like it's a feather. And when I g

rabbed the bottle, dust it off, and I swear there's little people swimming around inside, like so small, you couldn't tell if they were happy to be there or not. - What happened after that? - I took the bottle and walked home as fast as I could, you know. I've been saving it for a special occasion ever since. - Did you ever go back? - I couldn't find the path. - Man, that shit's crazy. - And you know what the creepiest part is? I never had a garden. - You're a dick, man. - (laughs) Yeah. - [Bob]

You are a dick. Just like old times. - It's been way too long. Here's dog shit in your eye. - You should've come back home, man. - Goddammit. - Come on, Alex. You had to know that we were gonna talk about this. - Yeah. Yeah, I did. - So why didn't you come? - Because I didn't wanna deal with all the bullshit, all the talk of carrying on the family tradition and the legacy, and which brother gets the lighter. I don't give a shit, you know. I don't wanna sit there and listen to everyone say, "Oh,

you've got big shoes to fill. "Your dad was such a great man." Yeah, I know he was a great man. He was my dad. - You still should have come. - He knew I admired him. - But he wasn't the one that needed you there. - Was mom mad? - Yeah. - What'd she tell them? - She said that you were off saving the world, helping poor Vietnamese kids, and that she's oh so proud. - Of course. Who gave the eulogy? - Uncle William. - Oh, shit. I bet that turned out well. - Yeah, right? He started ranting about col

on cancer was created by the gays and his kids ended up having to drag him off the stage. It was great. - Well, at least he didn't say nigger again. - Best grace ever. - I'm sorry I wasn't there. I don't know, man. I, I'm an idiot. It's cool, man. - Well, I know your job won't allow you to smoke, but all I do all day is sit around with little kids whose development I've been entrusted with. - Shit, man. I fear for them. What the hell is that thing? - I don't know. It's some special stuff my budd

y Marius cooked up. It's delicious. You wanna try? - No. - [Alex] Just the tip? - No! - You don't wanna put it in your mouth a little, just the tip, just the tip? - No, stop it. Shut up. - I won't tell anyone. - No, drink. Oh. Go ahead. Oh. Thank you. (Alex whistles) - Get squared away, Ranger Rick. Let's do this. - I don't need to shave. Let's just go. (pensive music) Oh! Oh, shit! That was lucky. - Yeah, man, you almost killed that guy. - No, man. Food cart guys, they make the best grub, and I

'm starving. Come on. Come on. You're gonna love this. (speaks in foreign language) (vendor speaks in foreign language) Look good? - No! - No, no, no, no, no. Come here, come here, come here. - No, I'm out! - It's just gross because it's new. It's a state of mind, right? - Yeah, no, it's gross because it's chicken feet. - Trust me. (speaks in foreign language) - (speaks in foreign language) American hotdog. - (laughs) He says he can get you some American pig-- - Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it. H

ey, you know what? Why don't you taste my American hotdog? How about that? - Hotdog, yeah. - Yeah? Oh, good. (phone rings) Goddammit. - Don't answer it. - [Bob] I have to. - [Alex] Don't. - Hey, mom. Okay. He's coming, one sec. Alex. Alex, you got to, Alex, take the, you little bastard Get back here! - Ah! (vendor speaks in foreign language) (suspenseful music) - You slow, fat boy. - Oh, you little shit. - Bob, we should not be here! This is bad! Bob! This is dangerous! - Get back here! - We nee

d to get outta here! (explosion blasts) Bob! We gotta get outta here. Where's the kid? - What the fuck just happened, man? The kid fucking blew up! - Okay. Walk out of here exactly the way you walked in. - I think we should just... - What? - I think I just stepped on a landmine. - Fuck me! Stay there. I'm gonna go get help, okay? - Fuck you, man! You're not leaving me here. - Okay. Nevermind. I'm not going anywhere. - Good. Now get over here and help me probe around this thing. - I can't. I thin

k I just stepped on one too. - That is not fucking funny, Alex. Stop fucking around and help me get off this thing! Help! Help us! Somebody help! Help us! Help! We need help! Help! Help! Someone help! We need help, there's landmines! - Bob. - [Bob] Help us! - Bob! - What? - No one can hear us. - That asshole cook might still be close. Help! - Bob! They didn't hear the explosion, they can't hear us. - So we do nothing, huh? - [Alex] I'm just saying panicking doesn't help. - We're standing on land

mines. - Okay, what's the thing you guys got in the military where you're trying to figure stuff out? - Reconnaissance. - Yeah! Okay, let's do some recon. How do we do that? - Assess the situation. Identify threats, inventory assets, plan objectives. - Let's recon the shit out of this. - You're an idiot. - Focus on the mines. What can you tell me? - Well, we can be sure that these mines are Vietnam era. - How do you know that? - Otherwise, we'd already be in pieces. - Pieces? - Modern mines don'

t use release triggers. - Gotcha. - I don't see any identifying marks, but it's probably American. - What, you can see yours? Dude, I don't see anything. Maybe I just stepped on a stick and freaked myself out. - Alex, this is not the time to be fucking around! - No, man, I think I'm okay. - No, Alex, stop! What do you feel? - Just pressure. Maybe it's just like a rock or something. - Okay. Grab a stick and probe it into the ground. Carefully! - [Alex] Okay, it's pretty small. Oh. Oh, man, if I g

o deeper, it gets pretty big. - Okay, that's enough. It sounds like it's a bouncing Betty, likely Vietnamese. - What the hell is a bouncing Betty? - It's an anti-personnel mine. First guy steps on it, and then it shoots up into the air after he steps off of it and it blows up the entire unit. Fuck, this cannot be happening! - Yeah. Okay, I got it. All right, I'm just gonna run. - What? - Yeah, you said it's a delay. It comes up and then it explodes. I can get to that rock right there. And when i

t's done, I'll go for help. - And if you do that, don't even bother getting help because it's gonna tear me to shreds. - Fuck! - What are the chances of wandering into a minefield? - They're pretty fucking good, Bob! The shit happens every week here! Yeah, I got a fucking kid, mom lost both her legs just walking home from the market. I guess soldiers don't stick around after the war to help clean up, do they? Don't worry about mine. Start disarming yours. - Do you happen to have a disposal kit i

n your pocket? All right. I'll see what I can do with mine. - Lucky for me, I got Rambo for a little brother, right? - Man, we're so fucked! - Everything's gonna be fine. - Really? How so? - Eventually, someone's gonna realize that the kid's missing, all right? There's a village a little way up the road and his parents probably live there. When they come looking for him, they'll find us. - I totally forgot about that kid. - Don't think about that, all right? Focus! Bob, quit looking, look at me!

They're gonna bring their disarmament team. They're gonna get us off these and we'll have our best story ever. And I will tell them how stupid the fucking kid was. We'll turn it into like an afterschool special. We'll make millions. - You're so fucking evil. - It's part of my charm. - I can't wait to tell my unit about the time that I survived for days on nothing but chicken feet. - We won't last for days out here. - Why is that? Is Lionel the dong sucker gonna come and get us? - Tigers will on

ly come around if we're wounded or bleeding, all right? If we're smart about it, we can stand for about 24 hours. - I've marched with over 100 pounds for 50 miles, no breaks. (scoffs) Standing around for a couple of days is gonna be cake. - You were moving. We're standing. Your muscles aren't gonna get the oxygen they need. - [Bob] I plan to keep breathing. - Breathe all you want. The muscles will eventually go into anaerobic shock and eventually, they will start to spasm. - Like seizures? - No,

like cramps, and then you'll collapse. - So we're basically treading water until we drown but on dry land. - Awful analogy, but yeah. - You son of a bitch. Why didn't you say something? - Well, bro, this doesn't change anything. People are still gonna come get us. - Well, I'm gonna come back and haunt that cook if this is my last meal. - First thing I'm gonna do when we get off these things, I'll take you to this little joint I know. It's run by this really creepy old guy with a beard who fough

t in the war. They call him the venerable colonel. - Is this restaurant at the end of some mysterious jungle path? - Actually, it's across the street from a artisan coffee bar, but he's got some magical ingredients, man. What he does is he takes the drumsticks and the breast meat and he mixes in what I can only assume is some sort of Vietnamese black magic because it turns everything into mouthgasms. Oh, and don't even get me started about the sides, man. The best coleslaw, macaroni and cheese.

Man, the potatoes and gravy are the bomb! - All right, let me guess. The colonel's name is Sanders? - You know him? Huh, weird. Yeah. Best part is his chicken don't even have feet. All leaf all day. Make that shot, bitch ass. - I don't wanna play anymore. - Just take your shot. - I'm tired. - What's the matter, air ball? You're afraid the army is gonna find out your grenade-throwing skills are shit? Yikes, I think that is an S. Wait, wait, wait, I'm getting it in. Yes, folks, that is indeed an S

for Bob. Unfortunately, that means Big Dick Alex is only an E away from being king of the jungle. - You win, man. I quit. - Oh, this also just in. Bob Marcus has flipped over the game board and stormed off to his room like a little bitty girl. Tree, what do you think about that? I think that's a really big black eye on the time-honored tradition, of course. - [Bob] Stop it, man. - Well, Alex, I think you're right. He's being quite a vagina. Bob is-- - Stop. - [Alex] Corporal Bob is a big old fu

cking bitch. - Stop it, Alex. - [Alex] He's a real-- - Stop, man! - I'm on a fucking mine, you idiot! I was joking. Fucking relax! - Don't you ever get sick of the bullshit that fucking comes out of your mouth, man? I mean, come on, we're in the jungle! We're standing on decades-old explosives and we're waiting for a family that we don't even know is coming. And it's all because of you. - Me? What? You chased the kid in the jungle so you could talk to your mommy. I tried to stop you! - I guess t

here were no more places for you to run away to in America, so you had to pick a country where you could blow up while going on a stroll. What'd you fucking do, use a dart? - I wasn't running away, man. I moved here. There's a difference. - All those stories and adventures, they were the random times that you were at home, the times that you were there on vacations or when you got kicked out of something. But you were never really there. - I went to boarding schools. That's how that works. - [Bo

b] Why'd you go? - I wanted to. - [Bob] Bullshit. You were scared. - Oh, okay. What was I scared of? - I still don't know. But what I do know is that you weren't there when a big brother was supposed to be. - What are you talking about? I was always looking after you, man. When that little shit was stealing your lunch money, I took him out behind the school and whipped his ass with his own lunchbox. - That was third grade. Alex. Where were you when I got jumped in eighth grade, or when I got Sus

an pregnant in high school? Where were you when I ran the long distance race against Park Cities and I won? You know, ironically, being with you is gonna kill me. - Sorry, I-- - Don't fucking talk to me. (pensive music) - Oh, dude. This bamboo beer stein is pretty sweet, man. I could probably hook you up with one. I got a ton of bamboo over here, man. I could probably rig you something up to lean on. What the fuck? That's a Playboy! Whatever. Just keep doing your Vietnamese hat dance. ♪ Some peo

ple started singing it, not knowing what it was ♪ ♪ And they'll continue singing it forever just because ♪ ♪ This is the song that never ends ♪ ♪ And it goes on and on, my friends ♪ ♪ Some people started singing it, not knowing what it was ♪ ♪ And they'll continue singing it forever just because ♪ - Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. - Cramps are a bitch, huh? I told you, you should've worked out with me. - Fuck you, it's not that. - What is it? - [Bob] I gotta, I gotta take a shit. - They don't teach you how

to shit in the woods in the military? - Fuck, man. I'm afraid if I go down, I'm not gonna be able to get back up. - Shit, all right. Hold on, man, hold on. I'm gonna grab you something to hold on to, okay? Hold on. - [Bob] Oh, shit. Alex, hurry up, man. - Okay, hold on. Shit. - [Bob] Fuck! Hurry, man, fuck! - [Alex] Hold on, I got a good one. I got a good one. - [Bob] Oh, my God. Hurry up, man. - [Alex] Go, go, hold on. I'm coming over. I'm coming over, man. - Okay. - [Alex] All right, you're ju

st gonna hold on to it. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I gotta, I gotta take off my pants. - All right, man. - Okay. All right. Ah, ah, ah. - [Alex] I got you. - I gotta lean back a little more. - [Alex] Are you there? You okay? - [Bob] Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. - You all right? - [Bob] I gotta get up, I gotta get up. - Okay. All right, hold on. Let me, let me get ready. Get all the way up. - Fuck. (grunts) Fuck. Oh, shit. Alex! Help, help, help. Ants! They're all over me. What do I do? - I don't k

now, man. Piss on them? I don't know. - I got no piss. Fuck, fuck. Fuck. Come on! - Okay. Ants dissolve in alcohol. Come here. Pour this on them. - Oh, take that you little fucking shits! Huh, you like that? Huh, you want some more? Come get some more, you motherfuckers! - You showed them who's boss. All right, calm down. They don't even bite, man. Calm down! - [Bob] Fuck you, they don't bite. - It's not that bad. - Not that bad? Alex, nothing about this is not that bad. - Okay, you just need to

relax. - Relax? Things not going your way? Relax, you can just leave. Expelled for disrespect? Relax, there's plenty of schools, DUI for crashing into a liquor store? Relax, 'cause mommy and daddy are gonna bail me out just like they always do! - I think we covered this, and I said I'm sorry for not being there for you. - This has nothing to do with me, man. This has everything to do with you and your relaxing, which is just code for running away. - Fuck you, man. I came back for med school. -

Wow! The favorite son comes home, huh? You give mom and dad so much hope that the legacy of family Marcus wasn't gonna be left up to my dumb ass. Thank you. - I was just trying to-- - And then, oh man, and then you leave again to go teach ESL to kids. Come on, Alex. Any halfwit from America could have done that. But even halfwits aren't stupid enough to go to a place with active fucking landmines lying around. - You don't know what you're talking about. - And it turns out I am a dumb ass because

I chased you. And here I am covered in ants and I'm gonna fucking blow up, man. But hey, it's all right. Be just like Alex. Relax. - Think I'm relaxed? Do you have any idea what it's like in my fucking head? I try not to scream every second of every single fucking day, it just sits there in my throat, trying to crawl out, and it takes every fucking ounce of my strength to keep it down. - You're the golden child, Alex. I'm the one that should be screaming. They didn't even bother naming me Rober

t. You get to be Alexander Marcus III. Everywhere I go, I'm known as Alex's brother. Even when you're gone, I'm in your shadow. - Try to live in the shadow of dad and Pappy. Man, did you ever think about it that way? My entire life was planned out for me before I was even born, always hearing about me being destined for greatness and how great I was gonna be, people saying that when they have no reason to think that. - So you ran away because everyone thinks you're great, huh? That's awesome. -

I ran away because I can't handle the pressure of being Alexander Marcus III. I'll never live up to the hype. All right, I may be the golden child, but did you ever feel unloved? - No. - You got to be loved for who you are. I had to try to be someone I'm not capable of being. Praise only feels good when it's deserved. Otherwise, it's just a fucking lie. - Praise was all I ever fucking wanted. Med school was out me, so I wasn't going to follow you into that. I thought I'd follow in Pappy's footst

eps and enlist and-- - Dad was impressed. He told me. - Come on, Alex. Dad was surprised because I made it through boot. - No. He may not have said it out loud, but he wasn't stupid. In the end. He had to know that you were the real legacy. - In the end, huh? In the end, the drugs made him real confused. You know how dad would never forget a name or a face? Last few days in the hospital, I took him some old vacation photos 'cause I thought they'd help. He thought I was you, and he was so happy t

hat you'd come back home. He said he pulled some strings so that you could finish your degree during your residency. And he said that he was, he said that you were going to carry on the family name. The worst part about it was that it felt so fucking good, man, to have him talk to me that way for once. Then he started talking to about me and he said that I was never gonna-- - Don't! - Let's just say he didn't have that death bed change of heart. Alex, I would have given up all that love if I cou

ld have just made a single Marcus man proud. - I'm proud of you. - Fuck you. - [Alex] I'm serious. I tell everyone I can about my badass younger bro. - You don't even know what rank I am, man. - Staff Sergeant. I just like to bust your balls a little. I brag about you to anyone who will listen. I know everywhere you were stationed, Washington, Texas, South Carolina, Afghanistan. Do you want me to name the provinces? - No. I believe you - You remember that time we were stuck on landmines, yelling

at each other. I'd bet my left nut we're out of here by tomorrow morning. - Do you really think so? - [Alex] No doubt. By now, they've looked in all the obvious places for that kid. In the morning, they'll look outside the village. They'll wonder by, smell that abomination you gave birth to, and we'll be out of here by dinner. - And if you lose that, I'll get your left nut. - Fucking weird, but sure. - I'd make a little necklace out of it and everything. It would be cute. - Yeah, I don't doubt

that you would, Buffalo Bob. In. Out. Done. Feel better? - Actually, I do, and warmer too. - We just have to keep our heart rates up on our minds calm. - [Bob] Thanks, Alex. - Don't mention it. I do this every morning with the kids. - No, man, for everything. I couldn't handle this without you. Hey, I'm sorry about-- - Don't be sorry. You were right. I should have been there. I'm sorry I let you down. - Hey, man, I forgot. I brought something for you. - [Alex] Seriously? - I did. - Oh. Well, tha

t's weird, 'cause I got something for you too. Fuck you. - Fuck you. - I could have sworn you said fuck you. - Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. - Shh, do you hear that? - What's that? - Fuck you. - Fuck you. - Ladies and gentlemen of the court, I would like to introduce Dr. Fuck You. - Oh, yes, my good sir. It is clearly a case of the fuck you. - No, I beg to differ my kind sir. It is clearly a monstrous bowel-moving case of fuck you. - Oh, ho, ho ho, ho, ho, ho. Hey, what, what, what did

the-- - Hey, do you know who my favorite Vietnamese rapper is? Fuck you. - What did the two sailors walk into the bar and do? They fucked you. - (laughs) That's so fucking stupid. - (laughs) You're so much better at this than I am. - Fuck you. Did you ever sleep with the Kimber sisters? - What? How'd you hear about that? You, you were-- - Colorado school. - Right. - So, the sisters? - Man, that was just a rumor. It got spread after they transferred, and I just went along with it. But I swear I

didn't start it. - I know you didn't. I did. - What? - Actually, I had Brian start it 'cause the only thing he spreads faster than herpes is a rumor. - Why'd you do that? - [Alex] I thought it'd help you out in your freshman year, man. - You know what? It actually did. You remember Lisa, that girl that I dated? She was a year older than me. - The fat chick that Craig always pretended he wasn't banging? - No, man. Lisa, she was the girl that I took to the lake house. - Oh. Yeah, the ginger with t

he tongue ring. - Right. - Didn't you dump her at the lake house? - I did, because I heard that she blew you while I was in Galveston. - That never happened. - Yeah, man, I should have known that you would never hook up with a girl that I was dating. - Actually, I might have accidentally banged her and bailed. - When? - When I came back from med school. - You fucking son of a bitch. - Man, it was an accident. We were drunk. I didn't recognize her till the next morning. You're not pissed, are you

? - No way, man. That was, it was like a bunch of years in between that. Who cares? - Fair enough. Have you ever-- - Hey, man, I did not say truth. - Okay, well then grab that chicken foot and stuff it in your mouth. - All right, truth. - That's what I thought. Have you ever slept with any of my exes? Are we in fact Eskimo brothers? Wow. - I would have worn my fingers down to the knuckle if I never touched someone that you already broken in. - Who? - Katie Morrin. - You fucked Katie. Are you fuc

king serious? - Wait, what? You can't get pissed off at me. You just did the same thing with Lisa. - Yeah, I can. It's not the same. Katie was different. - How? - I thought she might be the one. - Well, fuck, man. If she were the, I would never have done anything with her. - I know you wouldn't have, and it doesn't matter because she wasn't the one. I just, well, maybe she was. Katie's the reason I left Cranbrook. - I thought mom and dad sent you away because you accidentally OD-ed on-- - It was

n't an accident. Katie dumped me and the next day, I tried to kill myself. It's so fucking stupid. I can barely even say it out loud, man. I don't know. I was too dumb to even do it correctly. For some reason, I thought Katie might be my last chance to be who I was supposed to be. - Did you ever tell dad about it? - No. I think mom knows, but we never talked about it. - Why didn't you come to me? - You were in junior high. What would you-- (thunder claps) Shit. Oh, yeah. Joke's on you, cocksucke

rs. We need water. (Alex laughs) (thunder rumbles) (animal growls) - That was just thunder, right? - I don't know. - Alex. - [Alex] What? - Alex, stay still. I think I see something moving behind you. - Fuck you! (thunder rumbles) (animal growls) Fuck, man. Where is it, where is it, where is it? - I don't know. - It's circling us. What do I do? - All right, Alex, concentrate behind you and on your right. Tigers always attack from behind him and on the right. - Right. Where the fuck is he? (screa

ms) Come on! - Alex, what the fuck are you doing? - Let's dance, motherfucker! - Hey, Alex! What the fuck are you doing? - [Alex] Scaring it! - Do not piss off the tiger! Watch out for the mine, Alex. - What are you doing? - I'm trying to light something on fire. - Yeah, good, good, good. I need something that's dry. (tiger growls) - Shit. Don't, stop. He's not after us. It's the kid. - Alex. Alex! Make a spear. (Bob coughs) I swear it's true, man. - If tigers only attack from behind and to the

right. would I be safe if I backed myself into a corner? Explain yourself. - It's more like, man, I don't know. I just, I heard it somewhere. Shut up. - Do you have any other useless tips for animal attacks? Like sharks only attack from the southeast. Crocodiles only eat gluten-free people. - I can't believe you asked the tiger to dance. - Believe it, son. I got one liners for every occasion. Water heater explosion, parachute malfunction, Hanukkah. - [Bob] What about ROUSs? - Rodents of unusual

size? I don't think they exist. - Hey, do you think this beats the time that Craig got Gordon Pamplona? - Absolutely. I can't wait to see their faces when I tell 'em. - Hey, wait a minute. That means you're coming home? - You talked me into it. Plus, I don't want you fucking up the story when you tell it. - [Bob] I'd say you cried like a little girl. - Says the guy who was too scared to shit. - Hey, would you say I was scared shitless? - I absolutely would not. What are you gonna do when you get

back to the States? - It's hard to make any long-term plans when I get transferred every few months. - Must be hard to be such a badass, huh? Mastering all the military arts so quickly. I'm trying to recruit to dispatch 'em fools with extreme prejudice. - I'm not a badass. - Right, because heroes are the only people that say they're not heroes. Dude, you must get so much ass. - Well, the uniform does help. - Anything to distract from that face. - So you got someone waiting for you at home? - No

t exactly. Casual dating in small villages can get pretty dicey. - Maybe I should lend you a uniform. - Ah, strangely enough, Vietnamese girls are shockingly ungrateful to American soldiers. Still trying to figure that one out. ♪ Show me the way to go home ♪ ♪ I'm tired and I wanna go to bed ♪ ♪ I had a little drink about an hour ago ♪ ♪ And it went right into my head ♪ ♪ Wherever I may roam ♪ ♪ By land or sea or foam ♪ ♪ You'll always hear me singing my song ♪ ♪ Show me the way to go home ♪ - Y

ou were so scared of sharks after that, I don't think you ever even went into the water that summer. - At least I'm not scared of snakes. - Hey, let's just admit that we're both pussies, okay? - I admit that you're a pussy. I'm just glad we're on solid ground. So no sharks on land. - Oh, well, clearly, you've never heard of a Sharknado. - What? - Oh, my God, you haven't. Wow, man. You're gonna love this. It stars that one blonde chick from Van Wilder, and it's amazing. - It's a movie called Shar

knado. (chuckles) Sweet, Bob. Check it out. - What, you hear someone? - Even better. I found a J in my pocket. Toss me that lighter. - [Bob] You really think it's a good idea to get high right now? - We're being hunted by a tiger, standing on landmines, waiting for a dead kid's parents. I think, yeah, toss me the fucking lighter. - You know I can't get high. - I'm not asking you. Just toss it. Though you do deserve a puff, man. - This Pappy's lighter? - [Bob] Yup. - Did dad give this to you? - H

e did but-- - That's great, man. Do you know what this means? Pappy carried this with him through D-day. He lit cigars when Mimaw was pregnant. He gave it to dad instead of Uncle Roger. This is the legacy, man. This means he thought-- - He thought I was you. - What do you mean? - [Bob] He gave it to me when he thought I was you. - You know what? Fuck 'em. You still got my flask. Take that with you on your missions to save the world. I mean, you've already been more places than Pappy, and everyon

e knows you're a badass. You're like the most interesting man in the world if you killed people. - I don't get transferred because I'm a badass, Alex. - They wouldn't send you to all those places if you weren't a badass. - It's not that I'm good at everything. It's that I'm actually less than average at most things. - What about the award you won in Afghanistan? The Army doesn't give participation trophies. - Army Meritus has given to a unit. Everyone in my platoon got it. - You're only as stron

g as your weakest link. - I wasn't even on the chain. My unit got that medal for a mission that I wasn't even on because I drank water without purifying it and then I just-- - [Alex] Well, you're not there for just one thing. I mean-- - Alex, I was trained by the US military and I ran headlong into a minefield. - Come on, man. We wouldn't even be here if I had just talked to mom. But please don't ever tell her I said that, (engine whirs) Alex, do you hear that? - I hear something. It's getting l

ouder. - It sounds like a diesel engine. - [Alex] It sounds big. - Help! (Alex screams in foreign language) Stop! (Alex screams in foreign language) Help! - [Alex] Help! - Help! (Alex screams in foreign language) Help! (Alex screams in foreign language) Help! Stop, help! - [Alex] Help! - [Bob] Help! (Alex screams in foreign language) Help! (Alex screams) Alex, it's going away. (horn honks) - Fuck! We're so fucked out here! No one is ever gonna come! - [Bob] Alex. - Do you know that? - [Bob] Alex

! - What? - You said that there's a village close by, right? - It might as well be in Kansas. - Alex, you can't conduct a thorough search in a hurry. It's gonna take them some time, but they're coming. Relax. - That's funny. - All right, breathe in. And out. And we're done. All right, cool off. It's fine. Or meditation, that's good too. - My head is the last place I wanna be. - Alex, why don't you teach me some Vietnamese? You know, there might be some hot chick in the search party. (Alex speaks

in foreign language) What the hell is that? - Fuck me if I'm wrong, but you wanna kiss me? - That is a good one. But maybe we should start with something a little easier. (Alex speaks in foreign language) Oh, you talk to me? You talk to me? Oh, you're so handsome. My name is Fuck Me. My name is Fuck Me. - Excuse me, ma'am. My Vietnamese is a little rusty, but was that a fuck me or fuck you? - Oh, no, no, no. It is most definitely fuck you. Alex. - [Alex] Bob. - When you, nevermind. When you OD-

ed, did you, did you think that there was somewhere to go? - [Alex] I don't know. I was just a stupid kid. I guess I believed in the afterlife, nirvana, heaven, or whatever. - What about now? - [Alex] What do you mean? - Do you think there's somewhere that we go? - [Alex] If there is, we all go to the same place. - Really? - [Alex] Yeah. Anybody who believes in some sort of celestial favoritism is just an asshole. - What if they're right? - [Alex] Come on. - Whatever it is, I'm gonna be pissed i

f you're not there, - [Alex] Mom says I'll be in heaven even if I don't believe in it. - That's cause she thinks you're the second coming. - [Alex] No, she's not that crazy. What she says is it won't be heaven for her if I'm not there. - Adorable. - Bob. If there is a heaven, we'll all be there even if I have to sneak you in the back door. - Sounds good. - These mines won't blow up unless we step off them, right? - [Bob] Obviously. - Yours is big enough to slide your foot to the side, yeah? - Ye

ah, but it's not a good idea. - Okay. So we just gotta find something half your weight. - [Bob] Alex, we can't Indiana Jones our way off a mine. - Sure we can. And you'll go to my car and you ride like hell. - All right, let's do it. Let's swap a golden idol. (snake hisses) - Shit. - You okay? - Yeah. Just a real bad cramp. - There's a cramp in your vagina? - Yeah. Must be that time of the month. - Hey, maybe we should do some exercises. - No, let's just, let's work on getting outta here, okay?

Fuck! Why didn't you tell me how fucking stupid this plan was? - Look, man, it was a good idea. I just, I wanted you to have something to keep your mind occupied with, but there's just not enough rocks. - We wouldn't need rocks if it weren't for me, - This isn't your fault. - It's my fault we're even in this hemisphere. I sabotage every single opportunity I ever had, hurt people that didn't deserve it and disappointing everyone, all right? There's something wrong inside me. If I just finished sc

hool or gone to dad's funeral, anything. But now, you're here standing on a landmine. Even if I couldn't live up to my name, I could have been a better brother. - You did the best you could. Life is hard even when it's easy. - You know what the shittiest part is? I've started to think that I've run away to here and all the other places I've gone just hoping someone would stop me, stop me from what I chose. How dumb is that? - It's no dumber than me being jealous of you for getting all the family

praise but not actually deserving the praise that I wanted. - You deserve praise. You're a good man. - When you picked me up, I was being a dick because, well, I can be a dick. - It runs in the family. - It's just that I really wanted to hug you. But now, it's too late. - [Alex] I think it's time for me to go. - Okay. I'm gonna stay here for a bit. Why don't you go warm up the car from me? - I'm a lucky guy. - Oh, yeah? - If I was born into any other family, I'd be in prison, dead in a ditch, o

r worse. - What's wrong with you? - I wanna make a bet. Make a bet with me. - No. - Are you chicken? (clucks) Hey, little Bob, you bitch, the chicken. - Alex, what's wrong with you? (Alex clucks) All right, fine, man. I'll take a bet. Just tell me what's going on. - I was hoping the snake wasn't venomous but... - Jesus, Alex. - I'm starting to think I might need to get some antivenom soon. - How do we get some? - Get to the car, get to the village. - But-- - So I wanted to make a bet. But don't

worry. I thought this through. I don't want you to think I'm some sucker. It's a smart bet. Where are we? We're standing on mines left here in '75, They're old, and most of them, I think, probably a lot of duds. - Alex, you don't know that for sure. - We know of three, ours and the kid's. We know the kid's wasn't a dud. But I'm willing to bet that one of the three decades-old mines is a dud. - You don't know enough about what you're talking about, Alex. - I'm just working with what I've got here

. And we've, we've already established that I'm luckier than you. - What? - Just think about all the trips to the hospital. And that OD, I'm unstoppable. - You're not unstoppable, Alex. Come on. - I bet you I'd step off this fucker and wouldn't even so much as blow smoke. And then you'll have to tell the rescuers how badass I am. I'll tell 'em how you whined like a little bitch the whole time. - I'm not gonna bet your life, man. What do I get if I win, huh? A dead fucking brother? - Hey, I spent

all my time thinking about the speech, I didn't come up with a funny answer for that. - Don't leave me. - Bob, if I stay, it's not gonna be the Betty that kills me. Come on. I'm not gonna lose a bet to you. Think about how awesome it' gonna make me look in front of everyone when we tell them-- - Stop, man. - It's the only thing we can do. - If you step off yours, I'm gonna step off mine. - Don't you do that. - If giving up is good enough for you, then it's gonna be good enough for me too. - I'm

not giving up, idiot. I'm doing what's best. We're doing what's best. Trust me. - Alex. - No one's coming. There are three possible outcomes. I stay and the snake bite kills me and you're alone. I go, get the car, get to the village, get help. Or I go-- - And the Betty goes off. - And someone here's the noise and they come help you. So unless you figure out how to diffuse these fuckers with bamboo. I'm proud of you, Bob. - I love you. (suspenseful music) (explosion blasts) ♪ Show me the way to

go home ♪ ♪ I'm tired and I wanna go to bed ♪ No, no, no. You said that. Yes, you did. It was at the lake house, the last time you were there before you left. We were down by the water, and it was late. You said that you were gonna stay for good that time. I had this crazy thought about how cool it would be to bring our kids there. Remember that? (phone rings) Hey, mom. No one else has this number. It's been great. We've had a lot of time to talk. No. I'm gonna stay here a while with Alex. Yeah,

we'll be careful. I promise. (suspenseful music) How? How? How? No. No. No! No. (Bob screams) (soft guitar music) ♪ It's a hopeless situation ♪ ♪ And I'm starting to believe ♪ ♪ That this hopeless situation ♪ ♪ Is what I'm trying to achieve ♪ ♪ But I try to run on ♪ ♪ It's all or none ♪ ♪ All or none ♪ ♪ Here's the selfless confession ♪ ♪ Leading me back to war ♪ ♪ Can we help that our destinations ♪ ♪ Are the ones we've been before ♪ ♪ I still try to run on ♪ ♪ But it's all or none ♪ ♪ All or

none ♪ ♪ To myself, I surrender ♪ ♪ To the one I'll never please ♪ ♪ But I still try to run on ♪ ♪ Oh, I still try to run on ♪ ♪ But it's all or none ♪ ♪ All or none ♪ (somber music)