Stand-Up Jokes To Save Your Terrible Dating Life

- It's like, if you're worried about gold diggers, I have an idea. How about just date women with their own fucking gold? (upbeat music) The other generalization I keep hearing is, "Well, all of these women are just gold diggers." Like, okay, fine. Let's say, let's even say some of these women are gold diggers. You guys have to admit that you guys were afraid of gold diggers way before this even happened. It's hard for us to hear you guys complain about gold diggers 'cause when you guys comp

lain about gold diggers, to us it kind of just sounds like you're bragging. (audience laughing) We're like, "All right." Well, a lot of reasons you have all that gold is 'cause you have the advantage of being a guy. Especially if you're in the goods and services industry, a lot of reason you have all that money is 'cause we buy a bunch of shit we don't fucking need. So if I'm dating the head of Sephora and I gold dig him, I'm not using him for his money. I'm using him for my money. That is my

money. (audience laughing) I'm just trying to get that shit back. Ah, I feel like you gold digged me first. Bronzer should not be $90. (audience laughing) When guys complain about gold diggers, it's tricky 'cause to us, the solution is so obvious. It's like, if you're worried about gold diggers, I have an idea. How about just date women with their own fucking gold? I don't know, maybe stop dating 18 year olds that need a Kickstarter campaign just to eat dinner. Maybe just date adults with jo

bs. (audience cheering) I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. No, no, no. Also it's very ironic to me when guys complain about gold diggers 'cause you know you were the original gold diggers, right? You know your great, great grandfathers got a bunch of shovels and started digging up actual gold before women were allowed to leave the house. I would love to dig for gold the old fashioned way and get like a pickax, like a salad strainer and go get my own gold, but you guys took it all and yo

u refused to share. So (exhales loudly) now we're gonna have to do this the hard way (audience laughing) and be in a bad relationship for two years and hope that you cheat on me. (laughs) (audience laughing) And I feel like I can say that because I have had a guy use me for my gold before. And I've noticed when you hear the word gold digger, you always think of a woman right away. Men use women for their money too. They're not called gold diggers. They're called like backup dancers. Do they

have like a, (audience laughing) do they have like a jaunty name? - I was literally told by somebody that getting rid of my virginity as a woman was gonna be like handing out free samples at a Costco. And instead, I felt like one of those guys on the Vegas Strip trying to hand you a nightclub flyer. It was like, "No, come on in, it'll be fun. "There's lights, it's kinda damp. "Get in here. "Ah, ah, it's fun." (audience laughing) But you know what they say, women always go for men like their f

athers. So I keep going for guys who do not wanna sleep with me, like that is so like my dad, right? (audience laughing) No reason to be offended. That joke's about what a great dad my dad is. (audience laughing) I lost my virginity late. I lost it when I was financially independent. Yeah, I went through my bank statements like, I could afford to have a dick in me, just like so responsible. (audience laughing) All my other friends lost it under a Backstreet boys poster in their mom's house, and

I lost it under an IKEA painting that I purchased with a coupon. (audience laughing) But I'm glad I was raised that way because it taught me how to choose sexual partners in a very responsible way, okay? 'Cause when I was younger and I was waiting, I would tell guys, "I'm not ready to have sex yet. "Is that okay?" And anytime guys were really cool about that decision, that just made me wanna have sex with them more because there is nothing hotter than someone respecting your boundaries. You

're just like, "What? "Take your pants off? "Get over here." (audience laughing) The hottest thing you can say to a girl is, "Hey, we don't have to do anything." (gasps) (audience laughing) Now we do. (audience laughing) So I still do this as a sexually active adult. I pretend I'm not ready to have sex with someone new yet just to make sure they're a good person first. I call it the Gobstopper Test. I go, "Ooh, I'm not ready. "Is that okay?" He's like, "Totally fine. "No worries at all." And I'm

like, "Charlie, you won! "You did it! (audience laughing) "I knew you were good, my boy. "Now come inside my chocolate factory. "It's all for you." - [Audience Member] Yes! (audience cheering) - So I will tell you a story about the first date I went on after my divorce. When I say divorce, I mean separation. I mean the day that you and your partner shut the door and one of you is in the apartment and the other is on the other side looking for somewhere to live. That day that it's over is n

ot actually divorce, but that's the day it's over, right? I went on a date two days after that day. (audience laughing) And I felt judged by my married friends, but they didn't understand how horny I was, (audience laughing) because I don't think people understand when you get divorced, you probably haven't been having sex. It's not like, Oh my God, we're fucking all the time in this thing of not liking each other, in this home we built where we despise each other, we fuck all the time. T

hat's not happening. (audience laughing) But it feels weird 'cause someone's in your bed and you should be with them, but you're not. So your body is very confused. It's not the same as single horniness. Single horniness is quaint that you even would complain about being horny when you're single. You're like, "I'm kinda horny. "Should I call an old friend "or maybe get a pizza or just fall asleep?" (audience laughing) Divorced horniness needs to be taken care of right away because your body sta

rts going into heat like an animal. So the minute that door shuts, you're not in control anymore and your body's just like ooh! Like was just like, I was just following it. It was trying to sit on fire hydrants and stuff. I was like, "Body, stop it!" It was like, "Help!" Like it was just going nuts, you know? It's like if you have to get in the house really fast and you have to pee and your body thinks you're home and you're like, "Don't lower your pants, body!" (audience laughing) You know, it

's that. So I was like, "Oh my God." I didn't know the horniness of a divorced person. So I went out to see a band play, which is something I never did when I was married. And I went to talk to the drummer after. I thought he was cute. Now I wasn't thinking about how old I was, as opposed to how old he was. And that's where the story gets sad. (audience laughing) As I was 37, he was 20. - [Audience Member] Oh. - Oh, oh, oh, oh. (audience laughing) Yes, I was a cougar for one night. - [Audien

ce] Whoa! - Don't whoa, it's not good. It's not a good thing. See, I was a cougar back when Demi Moore and Ashton were still happy. (audience laughing) And so I thought it was cool too. Yeah, older women getting some men and then, you know? No, the reason she lost her mind and had to go to rehab for being 50 (audience laughing) was because when you're dating a hot young guy, he's hot and young and he doesn't have to work at it. So he gets to run around throwing frisbees and whatever young peo

ple do all day. (audience laughing) And if you're older, you have to sit at home going, "Don't eat anything!" Like it's a lot of pressure. (audience laughing) And that's why they had to send Demi Moore to jail 'cause she lost it. (audience laughing) But I was still buying into the myth that being a cougar was cool at this point. Now let me tell you something. Now I don't think it's cool. There's no word for a man who's in his 40s and dates someone younger. That's just called a man, right? (au

dience laughing) Sometimes silver fox. That's kind of a cool sounding thing. Cougar doesn't sound that cool. Cougar doesn't sound cool like a lion or a tiger, like raaah! A cougar to me sounds like an old woman in the woods in a spotted coat, (audience laughing) "Oh, I hope someone comes by." It's sad. Don't look up to me with the story, but learn from it. So I talked to this kid. Now, I don't realize he's 20. I don't realize I'm 37. I hadn't been single since I was 27, so I'm still at that

age in my mind. So he asks me out for the next night. My body's like, "Ooh!" And I'm like, "Come on, body, we can make it one more night. "It's fine." (audience laughing) So I say, yes. I get home, my friend says to me, "You know that guy was 20, right?" I'm like, "And who cares? "I'm a Cougar, this is cool." So he texts me the next night he's supposed to come get me. And he says, "I can't come get you. "My car broke down." And I'm like, "Oh my God, I'm such an old loser. "He doesn't wanna

hang out. "He's waving me off." I've never texted with a 20- year-old, except for my nephew. (audience laughing) So I don't know what to say to these kids. And so I was like, "Well, maybe he'll like the same things my nephew does. I'm like, "Do you need money for college books?" Like, I don't know. (audience laughing) He goes, "No, no, I really still wanna hang out. "I really just can't drive. "My car broke down." So I went to get him. Now it turns out his car didn't really break down. His car

ran out of gas because his bank account ran out of money. (audience laughing) So no problem, I go get him. But here's the thing, my life is in transition. I'm moving things. I got furniture in the front seat. I can't move it. So I pick him up at the gas station like some bad mother who just lets her kid hang out. I saw the other mothers looking at me like, "Oh, you let your son just hang out "at a gas station all night?" I'm like, "He's not my son. "I'm gonna fuck him". (audience laughing) (up

beat music)