Jimmy addresses the latest news, like the Biden campaign expanding their efforts to win women's votes, the Supreme Court deciding that it will hear arguments about Trump's immunity claims and the FAA giving Boeing 90 days to come up with a quality control plan.
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Supreme Court to Hear Trump's Immunity Claim, Biden's Health Exam Results
http://www.youtube.com/fallontonight
#FallonTonight
#JimmyFallon
-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show"! [ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for watching. Thank you for being here. Well, guys, President Biden had
his annual physical exam, and afterwards, his doctor
described him as, "An active, robust 81-year-old male who is
in healthy physical condition." [ Laughter ] When asked about his mental
state, the doctor said, "The President is in healthy
physical condition." [ Laughter and applause ] Actually, Biden's doctor
assessed his motor skills, ref
lexes, and mental status while Trump was asked to pick
which animal was the elephant. He's like...
[ Laughter ] "That one.
I knew it right away 'cause it's the one
with two tails." [ Laughter ] "That tail is bigger
than that tail." Meanwhile, the doctor did know that Biden suffers from sleep
apnea and irregular heartbeat, spinal arthritis,
sensory neuropathy in his feet, seasonal allergies,
and acid reflux. But other than that,
all good. All good.
What's the problem? [ Applause ] Wow. This expla
ins
why Biden's pill caddy is the size
of a Yeti cooler. It's like...
[ Laughter ] Sleep apnea. It's like Biden's suffering
from a lot of things, but that wasn't the full list. Check out this message
from his doctor. -After a full examination
of the President, there are no new concerns,
though the president still suffers
from the following. [ Cheers and applause ] -What the hell is liver funk? [ Laughing ] What? I've never heard
of those things. Oh, my goodness. And get this --
I saw that the Bi
den campaign just launched a new effort
to win over women voters. Yeah, they're not
messing around. Check out the latest
Biden campaign poster. Oh, yeah!
That's what I'm talking about. [ Laughter and applause ] That's what I'm talking about.
Wow. -Biden. -Well, a lot of people
are talking about this. The Supreme Court has decided
to hear Trump's case about presidential immunity
in late April, which means his federal
election trial will be delayed. Some people are blaming
the Supreme Court for dr
agging it out
on purpose to help Trump. So, today,
the justices responded. First, Justice Elena Kagan
said... Then Justice Samuel Alito
said... Then Justice
Ketanji Brown Jackson said... Then Justice Neil Gorsuch
said... [ Cheers and applause ]
So it's just -- You got mixed messages there.
-Wow. Well, Congress has struck a deal to delay a government shutdown
until March 8th, which means, in one week, we'll
have another looming shutdown. It just keeps happening,
and it's hard not to be bored by t
his whole thing,
to be honest, which explains why C-SPAN
released this new promo, trying to make it seem more
exciting. Watch this. -What's up, America?! On March 8th, the biggest
rivalry in politics is back for another
historic showdown! But this time,
there are no holds barred! The fight over debt
is a fight to the death! Two parties in the steel cage
of negotiation, and no one leaves until
a fiscal budget is approved! Schumer's lowered his glasses, and he's ready
to kick some asses! But McCon
nell's prepped for a
shutdown showdown staredown! Jowl-chi wa-wa! -Br-br-br-br-br! -And who the [bleep]
is this guy?! He's dead meat in the grinder
of financial responsibility! It's the
Shutdown Showdown Throwdown! -Only on C-SPAN.
-Whoo! -Wow.
[ Cheers and applause ] Exciting. [ Applause ] -Well, switching gears,
the FAA has given Boeing 90 days to come up with
a quality control plan. Well, that'll show 'em.
[ Laughter ] You can let your planes fall
apart for three more months, but after that,
you're in big trouble, mister. [ Laughter ] That should make passengers
feel real comfortable over the next 89 days.
That's like... [ Laughter ] Well, some business news.
IHOP and Lay's teamed up to launch Rooty Tooty
Fresh 'N Fruity Chips. Check these out.
Yeah, a little -- a little odd, but that's that's not
the only weird collaboration Lay's has done recently. They've also done Lay's
and AutoZone's Motor Oil and Vinegar chips.
[ Laughter ] Pretty good.
Never had that. Then they did Lay's
and
Your Random Coworkers "Flamin' Hot Breath" chips. [ Laughter and applause ] And, finally,
they did Lay's and Uber's Conversation and Cologne chips.
There you go. I'm looking forward to that one.
[ Applause ] Guys, listen to this. I read that
Merriam-Webster announced that you can now end
a sentence with a preposition. [ Audience "Oohs" ] It is huge news, everyone, for. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Rimshot ] [ Laughs ] -Come on!
-Come on! "New York Times,"
if you don't print that, then they're the
ones
you should be -- -I dare you.
-Yes, exactly. And, finally, you guys, today
is the last day of February. So --
[ Cheers and applause ] So I thought it would be nice
to give a little recap of the entire month.
All right, let's do this. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Audience clapping ] ♪ February, you flew by ♪ ♪ An extra day, that's 29 ♪ ♪ But then you disappear
from me ♪ ♪ Like service from ♪ -AT&T. -♪ Super Bowl,
the Chiefs played great ♪ ♪ Usher sang on roller skates ♪ ♪ But I still don't
have a clue ♪ ♪ What the hell is ♪ -♪ Ooh, ooh, Temu ♪ ♪ Ooh, ooh, Temu ♪ -♪ Special counsel
called Biden old ♪ ♪ Like we don't already know ♪ ♪ Made his campaign
super scared ♪ ♪ But Biden said ♪ -Oh, I don't care. -♪ Trump in court
a million times ♪ ♪ Half a billion owed in fines ♪ ♪ Cash or check to pay the sum ♪ ♪ He'll say ♪ -None of the above. -♪ "Bachelor" and Valentine's ♪ ♪ Getting roses, drinking wine ♪ ♪ One new couple
struck by Cupid ♪ ♪ Talking about ♪ -Tucker Carlson,
Vladimir Puti
n. -♪ Taco Bell's green gelato ♪ ♪ In the dark,
I think it glows ♪ ♪ So eat a cup
and you might glitch ♪ ♪ Kind of like your name is ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ February bid adieu ♪ ♪ March is here
and Spring is, too ♪ ♪ Time to focus
on your brackets ♪ ♪ Then get blackout
on St. Patrick's ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] We have a great show! Give it up for The Roots,
everybody! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ Oh, what a show! Thank you, Roots. What a show
we have for you tonight. She is a talented actress. Oh, my go
sh, I love her.
One of our favorites. She stars in
the new movie "Damsel," which is on Netflix March 8th. Millie Bobby Brown
is here tonight! [ Cheers and applause ] Plus, you can see him
in the Netflix show "Avatar: The Last Airbender." Gordon Cormier is here tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ] "The Last Airbender."
-Last. -He's -- he's it. And we have great music
from our pal Schoolboy Q! [ Cheers and applause ] Schoolboy Q. Guys, when I'm texting, I love a good GIF.
-Mm-hmm. -But sometimes, one
GIF
can mean two different things, and I'll show you
what I mean. It's time for "The GIF
That Keeps on Giffing." [ Cheers and applause ] -Say what?! ♪♪ -So let's take a look
at this first one here. Uh, that's a classic one.
This one can mean... [ Laughter and applause ] Or it can mean... It's like, "Yeah, I'm not going.
Oh, it's optional? Bye!" Let's take a look
at this other one here. Look at this one.
I use this one all the time. Yeah, yeah.
[ Laughter ] So it can mean... [ Laughter ] Or it ca
n mean... [ Laughter ] "Whoop!"
"Hey, Larry! Where you going, Larry?!"
-"Waah!" -"Uh, nothing." Check out this one here. Oh, yeah. I love this one. Yeah.
-Oh, yeah. This GIF can mean... [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] Or it can mean... [ Cheers and applause ] "I win!" Here's another one.
Here, look at this. Oh, that's --
This is action-packed. -Ooh.
-Yeah, this one can mean... [ Laughter ] Or it can mean... "Oh, yeah!
Let's see what this -- See what this sucker can do!" [ Applause ] Check this on
e out.
This one -- This one can mean... [ Laughter ] Or it can mean... It's like... "I guess I can --
I guess I can cut it in pieces. I don't know what to do!" [ Laughter ] "Forget it! I'm quitting!" [ Laughter ]
"No one eats." [ Laughter ] "There's no way!
I can't! Oh, yeah, I can just
cut it in half. All right. There you go."
[ Laughter ] Let's take a look at
one more here. This one's a favorite of mine.
I mean, this is like... [ Audience "Awws" ]
This one can mean... [ Laughter ] Or it can me
an... [ Laughter and applause ] That is all the time we have for
"The GIF That Keeps on Giffing." Stick around. When we come back,
we're playing Egg Roulette with Millie Bobby Brown!
Comments
I died on the historic showdown 💀
"Typing an email on Monday morning" is the funniest sentence of these eleven minutes. That's not to insult the other ten minutes and 45 seconds; it was the funniest line in the segment. I could feel that puppy's apathy.
There's a new meaning/definition for the term "criminal court."
I don’t understand why the news about prepositions has me so enraged lol.
Correction: its the SCROTUS.
Well Jimmy, I really feel disappointed that you thought it funny that Joe suffers fromm all those different illnesses. Im 75 and I also have all these things too. How Joe manages to do what he does I'll ever know. Im exhausted by the middle of the day. I do sometimes wish people would be less unkind. I sincerely hope that as you age you can defy the passing of time and be free of illness. Just think of all the years Joe has served for people's benefit. If all you have done in your life is be nasty then try something else. A UK resident. 😢😢
gotta hand it to you guys tonight. this was the best 10 minutes of my day. so many laughs. seriously, thanks. 😹😹😹😹😹 5/5 😻😻😻😻😻 5/5
Railroad toes 🤣 those descriptions were hilarious 😂
Everytime a video is posted on the tonight show its lunch time in Vietnam. The best entertainment whilst eating
Enough with the OLD jibes. We seniors don't like you laughingat us. Laugh with us and remember if you're lucky you too can live t old age and then see who's laughing.
As a girl I was a babysitter, including infants. I've changed hundreds of diapers. As a model at T Management (Trump Models), I met Trump many times: he frequently had the smell of poopy pants.
What an awesome song!
#unconstitutionalscotus
Spot on honest and hysterical as always my friend!
Millie??😢
The main thing older politicians get wrong, is that things do not change. Thing's change every minute!
Yes, very good job from the prompter reader 😐
4:38....anyone else see that at the bottom
Not ending a sentence with a proposition. You'd be hard pressed to come up with a retort to that better than Winston Churchill's: "This is the most arrant pedantry, up with which I will not put".
Hay