- Let me ask you
folks a question. You ever catch a table
corner in the crotch when you're walking too fast. (crowd laughing) It happens that you
can't predict it cause it's like a
snake in the grass. He just need (screeching yell) Nabs ya. Yeah, just walking, I always
wear a plastic insert here. So to deflect oncoming
table corners, it's a horrible pain. You guys walk in a
room, a restaurant you guys walk into a
restaurant, you see tables. I see a minefield. (Crowd Laughing) cause it comes out
of
nowhere. You're just walking, [High Pitched Voice]
like this is so much fun I think we should
get the pudding. (Iliza Taps Mic and Gasps) (Crowd Laughing) I'm okay, Its- (Iliza Heaving) (Crowd Laughing) - There are two ways to recover from getting nailed in the
crotch with a table corner. That's why I'm here tonight
to share this with you. The first is a pick and roll (Crowd Laughing) That's
where you just (taps mic) take that table corner
like a (beep) champ. (Crowd Laughing) Don't let it af
fect you. This leg stays planted. You can pivot around it. (Crowd Laughing and Clapping) But do not lift this leg
or else its traveling. You're gonna get a technical. (Crowd Laughing) I'll show
you what it would look like. All right, pretend
we're out on a, - [In High Pitched Voice]
Oh this is so much fun I think I'm just
gonna get the cheese. I don't want any carbs. I am going to be in a
bathing suit; No carbs. (Taps Mic) I'm okay. (Crowd Laughing and Cheering) (Crowd cheering loudly) Stick the
landing. - Now bear in mind. Your date just saw you eat crap. So you better, like,
explain that one. - [High Pitched Voice]
What? I didn't fall. I was twirling. I saw cheesecake. I
twirled. Get me a diet soda. - There's no graceful
way to get up from that. Its just, that's it. Or you can just do what I did. My date told me
that I looked like a dinosaur getting
hit with a rock. When I got nailed in the
crotch with the table corner we were out on our
date, our last date (Crowd Laughing) I was pro
bably making
googly-eyes at the waiters. - [High Pitched Voice]
And I mean this is so fun. You know (mumbles)
water (mumbles) drink
later, margaritas. (taps Mic) (Iliza Squealing) (Mic Bangs on Floor) (Crowd Laughing) (Iliza Imitating
Pterodactyl Screeching) (Crowd Laughing) (Iliza Screams) (Crowd Clapping) That was me eating a
low flying pterodactyl. Once you've fallen on a date, it's pretty much nowhere
to go from here but down. It's a sharp pain too. So your vomit comes up
to here in your thr
oat. Get that involuntary
trail of tears, not a native reference,
that's just what happens (Crowd Laughing and Cheering) Going out, also,
you gotta dress up. If you're going to go out. tedious, pointless. Guys, next time you see a
girl in a pair of heels, ask her how tall she is. She will give you two numbers. She will give you her
height and her heel height. How tall are you? [High Pitched Voice]
I'm five-six, I'm
five-nine in heels. - Girls don't do that. No one's interested in
how tall you ca
n be. We're not picking
for basketball teams. It doesn't matter. They
just trying to talk to you, after that initial height,
it's just mindless statements. After that five-six,
five-nine in heels. Great. I can go five miles
an hour, 80 in a car. (Crowd Laughing and Cheering) Men are hunters.
Women are gatherers. These are your societal
roles, As dictated by nature. Men are hunters.
Women are gatherers, except for when it
comes to shopping And then women are hunters But we are the only creatures
that will rationalize a
kill after we make it. A lion runs down
a turkey, eats it, doesn't think twice about it, although why a lion and turkey
are on the same terrain, I don't know. This is
a, wouldn't matter. no woman's ever just
swiped a credit card and been like (whoosh) - [High Pitched Voice]
super confident with Myself and that choice. I'm
just going to go. - No. (Crowd Laughing) (Crowd Cheering and Clapping) Ladies, There is a full-on debate between that girl and
whatever poor soul she dr
agged with her
that day at the mall. It's like (whoosh) [High Pitched Voice]
was that a good idea? Those shoes are super
cute, do you like them? I really like them. Are
you sure you like them? They're really
cute. Are you sure? - Just get the (beep) shoes. We've been here for
five (beep) hours. I want to go home to my family. (Crowd Laughing and Clapping) Guys don't do that.
It's not like, [Imitates Male Voice] I
went bear hunting last week. I killed a Bear. But I don't know
how I feel about it.
(Crowd Laughing) His friend doesn't
swoop in like, you know what, it's Gucci when, you got to spend
some time out doors, You got to hang
out with your dad. Now you have a bear. (Crowd Laughing and Cheering)
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