Taking Your Wife Bungee Jumping. Phil Palisoul

I've got an anniversary coming up, which I'm looking forward to. I got to get my wife something good. Oh hey, you want to go in on something? We can do that. This is for me and three women from Utah. (audience laughing) There you go. Yeah. (audience cheering) I took her bungee jumping last year. That's what she really wanted to do, bungee jumping. Anybody done it? Anybody done bungee jumping? Have you done it? Really? Good for you. Good for you. You're brave. Good for you. How far did you bunge?

You don't even know? I think that'd be the first thing I'd find out. (audience laughing) How far to the ground and how far is the rope? (audience laughing) Got to just check into it a little bit more, I think. But good for you. What did you jump off of? What was it? Oh, T tower. Yeah. That sounds like they've got all their insurance paperwork up to date. That isn't just like a minimalist space. Were you afraid when you did it? Yeah? Good for you that's brains. That's tough. We went from a hot a

ir balloon. You ever hear of anything like that? Yeah. Well, here's what's going to happen. We're going to go up in the mountains, great day. We're going to go up in the mountains, up in the air in a hot air balloon, 250 feet. She's going to bungee from the balloon, 220 feet. We get in the basket. On the way up, this guy leans over me said, "listen, sometimes people "are afraid to go. "She don't go on the count of three, "you think you can push her?" (audience laughing) Yes. (audience laughing)

Yeah. (audience laughing) I mean, don't get me wrong. I love my wife and everything but there isn't a married guy in this room that wouldn't just like to one time-- (audience laughing) oh, it is therapeutic. Everything comes-- I pushed her at 2. I couldn't help it. Go have a good time! I love you! (audience laughing) I don't mean to be like that. And don't get me wrong, man. I love my wife. I'm crazy about that woman but I just get so doggone aggravated at her sometimes. We argue. Jeez almighty,

we argue. We argue over the stupidest, little, teeniest, tiniest, couldn't possibly matter. I can't load a dishwasher wrong. It's not like I'm taping the dishes to the outside of the machine, standing there like an idiot. (audience laughing) It's the first dish. (audience laughing) Just move it around until you're happy. (audience laughing) But that's what you fight about. The big stuff, you lean on each other and it's really, really great. But the little, little, little, little-- (audience lau

ghing) we had an argument one time half an hour whether or not a dolphin is a fish. (audience laughing) 30 minutes. I mean, I know that a dolphin's not a fish now. (audience applauding) Would you at least admit that it lives a fish lifestyle? (audience laughing) Got in an argument in the car. Oh man, that is the worst place to have an argument. You're stuck. (audience laughing) Big argument about my driving and she's got a little room to gripe. I'll give her that because I'm a boob in the car. Y

ou ever been driving around and can't see an address or something that you're looking for so you turn the radio down like that'll help? Oh, I can't see anything with this music in my eye. (audience laughing) And this clear piece of glass has got to go. (audience laughing) How old is my car? Seriously. I know. I know. That's all right. Yeah, you bet. (audience applauding) We went for a relaxing drive in the mountains not too long ago. And as we're headed up into the mountains, there's this big si

gn on the side of the road, just flashing, scaring you, "watch for falling rock." I did that and hit a guy on a bike. (audience laughing) Oh, that was awful. It was like, all right, we're in the rock zone. Everybody keep a sharp eye. What the heck was that? Oh! (audience laughing) Ah. All right, all right, everybody listen up. When the police get here, that guy was hit by a rock. We all saw it. We saw it. (audience laughing) So I don't know. I don't know. I don't know whether I'm a good driver o

r a bad driver but I do know that one steering wheel means one driver, OK. Shush, shush. (audience laughing) Shush, shush. (audience laughing) Not to hear my wife tell it. "You know, Phil, even a fighter pilot "has a wingman." Well, yeah, but I don't think he warns the pilot by screaming (screaming) (audience laughing) "Well, I get nervous. "I don't know what to say." Well how about "car"? (audience laughing) I don't even understand why she gets so nervous. This is a woman that had jumped from a

perfectly good airplane strapped to a little backpack full of nylon. She didn't think a thing of that but a car in a parking lot backs up slowly towards our car-- (shouting) (audience laughing) Man, she does some things like that that just aggravate the death out of me and then she does some things that aggravate me but I love her because of them. I can't figure that out. That's love's little twist. It was like biting a hangnail over and over again even though you know it hurts. Ow. (audience l

aughing) Ow. (audience laughing) Ah. (audience laughing) And now it's bleeding, all right. (audience laughing) Mm-hmm. She's got the bedroom clock set 20 minutes fast so that we can get an extra 20 minutes of sleep. (audience laughing) Yeah. Figure that out. Now every day, wake up 20 minutes early just to find out it's not that late yet, nope. (audience laughing) She has her own ridiculous rationale too. "No, no, no. "Now we can go back to sleep." (audience laughing) I was sleeping. (audience la

ughing) I didn't need to wake up to do it. (audience laughing) I have no idea what time it is in my house. We have 12 clocks, none set on the proper time. You could be on one side of my house, five after one, toward the middle it's 1:25, close the other side it's ten to two. You're like, for heaven's sakes, how big is this house? (audience laughing) I was just in the bathroom a half an hour from now. How is that possible? (audience laughing) Workday's almost over. You guys really have been terri

fic. I really appreciate it. Coming out, this is the funnest part of my day. It's hard to be gone so much. I miss my wife quite a lot. Hard to be gone. I called her today though, talked to her on the phone for a little bit, told her that I loved her because she won't hang up the phone unless I do. (audience laughing) Which is fine. Man, if you love somebody, for heaven's sakes, tell them. Tell them. Tell them all the time. Why keep it in? But it's crafty over the phone because then you become so

conditioned, it doesn't matter who you're talking to. Yeah, I'd like a large pepperoni. Uh-huh. 30 minutes. Fantastic. I love you. God almighty. (audience laughing) Ugh. You feel like an idiot but you get a pizza in five minutes. (audience laughing) Pepperoni is in a heart shape. (audience laughing) New Facebook friend. It's wonderful. (audience laughing) But I do love that lady, doggone it and you want to show them, man. You want to show them that you love them and you cherish, you know. But I

flub it up somewhere along the way. I goof it up. Here's what happened recently. I take my wife out to dinner. We go to this fancy restaurant. It's packed. We'll have to wait for a table. So we're in the bar having a drink and I got to go to the bathroom so I get up, I go to the bathroom, I come back, there's some guy hitting on my wife now. I'm like, dude, she's with me. But he's not buying it. (audience laughing) So I spit on her. (audience laughing)