The Best Of Martin Short | Letterman

hi everybody I'm Dave this is my good friend Paul  Paul how long have you and I known one another well you and I go back to 1982 so how many years  is that eight yeah something like that I was told there would be no math uh and then I what I've  known about you from the very beginning as one of your really good best friends is Marty Short  Marty and I met in Toronto 1972 Canadians 10 years previous actually he and I came together  because uh the new York show uh God spell from 1972 music you wor

ked on that and that's where  you two met yeah because they had a a company uh from this hit off Broadway show starting a  company up in Canada and both of us got hired and we came working together eight shows a week  every night so a good friend of yours still a good friend of yours and a good friend of our show and  he I don't know how many times he was on our show but I'm telling you for me it was like a holiday I  could relax and as a viewer person in the audience or somebody at home I could

just enjoy Marty just  being near him and he he kind of vibrated with a a highlevel bright humor that would just Cascade  over the building and it was delightful one of the things that always comes to my mind about  Marty on the show it it was part of the uh was the woodwork of the whole effort he would come in  he would a grand opening oh thanks for remembering thanks for remembering he would sit down and then  he would have some uh semi insulting if not fully insulting compliment for me and t

hey I can't even  begin you look are what are you using who is your guy you know what have you had done have you had  a rib remove and then exactly you look great thank you very much I saw you wandering uhhuh through  the hallway I thought Piscopo was here you're working out aren't what is it have you had a lift  are you wearing lifts is it the new chin no I just take care of myself I watch it's a new chin yeah  you are looking so much like Johnny Depp I thought you were SK oh Rich have you had

a rib removed no  what is it have you had another bypass remember one time you said to me at a party you said I find  you artificial and it hurt because that's not true you've had a tattoo removed haven't you I don't  I don't the ones with the unicorns mating that one I don't know I still have that one I often  feel it's a mistake for men like yourself to do cosmetic surgery but I'm telling you and it's not  until you get really close you can see the surgeon scars CU you can't see them from a di

stance don't  have too much work done no I won't then you get this thing you know this gets longer and it's just  a it's a false bad look and I've been on your show many times I've never seen the show funnier  than tonight I'm serious my God your skin is so youthful thank you thank it's not firm but it's  youthful and the word jaundice bar comes to mind anymore I look at you and all I think to myself  whatever he's doing 30% more and he's Angela lansberry well thank you knowing him as I do I  ca

n say that he was super prepared you know what I loved I'm sorry to interrupt when you'd be playing  the piano and he would get up on the piano and the gag was that he had stepped on you crushing your  hand on the keyboard you have to do that I loved it Matt Rock helped me with that actually with my  reaction to developing it because I was trying to build it up and do like B ah ah ah Matt came over  and said I think just one uh one yeah but I also remember the first time I was on the show and  a

nd and then also the he would end the segment with songs I didn't realize that there was this  ongoing uh so and so as a Lady Luck is a lady uh show business is a lady Thanksgiving is a lady  Halloween is a lady Dave is a lady on and on and on that would be the theme of his music I think  it started with when the first one may have been Broadway as a lady when you hit Broadway with the  show we opened up at the Ed Sullivan Theater and it would always have a little something a little  lwd in it y

ou've got a treat lady Broadway kindly you've got to give her your respect then  she'll suck your face like no chick ever has you have to come her pumpkin gentle with  a knife that's extra thick then she'll gladly trick your treat and light your [Music] Wick  so in closing Mr Letterman here's a tip from an elf who knows ah this Frosty chick will  warm you to your toes just remember your 9th anniversary is a lady thank you the new year  is a lady so don't give this sister sass or she'll come and

kick your ass and you'll kiss  your baby [Applause] [Music] [Applause] byby the musicality of it was always hyperbolic it  was like it was the you know I've got to say our friend Joe leaderman working on the show  at that time would choreograph most of those things as you can tell Paul and I both love the  man Paul is a good friend he is a friend on the show and tremendous tremendous talent and so  rather than continue to yak about it let's just take a look at him on the L fantastic we're  in Ba

l Bal onario beautiful place 150 Mi north of just like On Golden Pond it's just a it's  just beautiful oh just birds and oh Woodland Dave did you say Woodland I did I it is it  is it is by the end of a week everyone is just talking and looking for loot everywhere  did you know that Uncle tuse is coming for a week thank you all right all right thank you  there is there is a subtler version of doing that you know okay ready you know Uncle tuse is  coming for two weeks two weeks I had heard that he

was only how upset would you be if I just  poured the rest of this in your lap uh do I do I have a choice really well yeah if you if  you don't want me to do it I won't go ahead go [Applause] ahead when I do Jerry's laugh I  always uh feel that I have to have him eating a Loz for some reason now he might take offense  you know no because when Jerry talks seriously it's a there's a feeling of something because of  there's a lot of uh giving in what we do and what if you think that's it's easy wh

at he does then  you're completely mistaken cuz you got to sit back there and when he does the the laugh which  is kind of like a a a plum pudding bubbling and all oh L how's your a baby girl she is adorable  Catherine yeah yeah she's very cute I'm teaching her a few comedy things now  I've I've taught her that when she falls she must wait for the laugh  she can't just get up you know and uh I've already taught her an impersonation  she very little language how old how old a girl we have here tw

o years old yeah so it's  just a three-word impersonation I've thought of Gary Cooper can we hear a little of you doing  your daughter doing Gary Cooper it's just three words just forget it he's dead it's not it's not  you do uh have done in the past impressions of Katherine heurn right yes yeah now did did am  I imagining this or did you actually meet her once after having done the impression somewhere  no no I had never done the impression this is a few years ago I hadn't met her I I was uh se

eing a  show called The Royal Family play in New York and I was just sitting there by myself at one ticket  and suddenly I hear people moving down the aisle and it's move over jeez get the hell away from  why why that hat and uh and I look over and it's C so she sits right here and I don't say anything  I just kind of look at the play like this and then uh the play continues and it's a great play royal  family and at the end of the First Act Rosemary Harris does this dramatic diet tribe and kind

of  collapses and a he motion curtain goes down and forgetting that it's Katherine heprin I turned  just to this person to my left and I say isn't she classy and she says because I'm talking to her  like a r well she is Rosemary always has ability to just simply take over c not unlike Spencer  who just seems to achieve the level that you would want to so when she was finished I said  to her well miss Hein you're no slouch and uh she just looked at me and said and then turned  to the person side

could could you change seats please that was it we never talked the other  big stars that you met over there Jimmy Jimmy Stewart oh man so this you didn't know I could  do Jimmy Stewart did you you're still not sure almost everybody can do a little Jimmy Stewart  that's yours Harvey here and that's all I can do this is my 13th appearance and I realize that  you and I have never hugged publicly never never wait a minute never hugged period I know it all  all right well okay let's just go ahead a

re you oh you okay sorry so let this be the start of  something big can we all right sure the first time I did Johnny Carson Show I was uh kind  of nervous because I mean it was Johnny yeah yeah it was 1988 too and uh the first guest  was Betty Davis and I decided being a cocky nut master that I am that it would be that it  would be kind of funny to do Betty Davis to Betty well no that makes sense Betty had come  out and she' killed she'd killed she'd done the unicycle bid she' done all her stuf

f was  88 and uh she in the plates look at all they move you know and so I came out and Betty was  here and I came out and I looked at sat down and I turned and said and what a pleasure  to meet you and she had no idea who I was or how I sounded then later on I did Jerry  Lewis I was doing Jerry Lewis and I decided to you know I was getting cocky and and I  said hey so John it's exciting to be here Benny and that shocked me it even startled you  and she just s like this so finally and I was doin

g some fris naations it and finally you you  uh you hear from the side she you hear do you do me now i' done her you see so I turned to her  and I said well you're not that easy to do and she said then skip it Frank SRA around um uh  trying to be really hip 1974 all right here we go all right I Shot the Sheriff however  I did not shoot the deputy ding dong ding dong yeah number six I got hurt herpes lots of  herpes fthy herpes who could ask for anything more all right but I work with an actress 

whose breath was be it was like it was like a possum blew up her breath now again I don't  want to be too graphic or in any way rude but it was like no the breath of a cougar and and  it was really really bad I I she was Ill or something and God and I I'm not exaggerating I  swear to God this is true I would we'd have to do scenes like this and I would she I'd  say well how do you think that makes me feel there was another way of describing the  woman's condition and you said it was it was she

was sort of like you said it smelled  like come on what I get what k ballards no oh I said it smelled like no John Goodman's  couch you said you said noard couch you said it was K Ballard's couch well maybe I  didn't want to say that on well I'm s I've been looking forward to it all [Applause] day all  [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] right [Music] everyone there was a billionaire Barry  Diller you know the CEO of fox and Neil Simon and and and Carl Riner and Johnny  Carson and S

teve said you know come to the and I said no no I I I you know I'd be  I he said no the most anyone has ever lost is $600 and you could win $600 so why  not and So within 5 minutes I was down $1,900 and I was I didn't know what to do and they  were kind of looking at me and so then I decided that whatever I would do I I could figure if I  just put the antee in and if I folded every hand I could make it through the night and I would get  four aces fold and I and at one point I saw Johnny Carson l

ook at Neil son go doing that thing oh  good we're right in the thick of our American presidential race and Canadians do you guys you  any interest in that no not really no no we do I mean in in Canada I was kind of uh I was more of  a political you know satius with the music kind of I was I don't remember that like Mark Russell I  was kind of the Canadian Mar I'd had the pork pie hat doing oh the deficit oh the deficit you know  that was very good doing the separatist rag one of those things we

made three Three Amigos then  we made father the bride One MH and two mhm wow uh a prince of Egypt and of course Sophie's Choice  so that's six films really I don't I don't recall the two of you in Sophie's Choice I'll look  forward again I don't know which one did take that was I didn't I nice very nice do you remember  our vist bit I sure do go ahead hey say hello to Uncle Dave oh was that you okay go start again  it's been a while go ahead done it for a long long time hey say hello to Uncle

Dave hi Uncle  Dave how are you well I'm fine Marty well little Marty yes well little Marty how's your family  they're all dead oh the later Lucy voice take me through that one more time well you know  Lucy started off hey ath hey girl Ricky's gonna be mad at me yeah by the last series it  was hey Kim Harry's mad at [Applause] me what about if you and Jay Leno right toured in uh  a production of The Odd [Laughter] Couple now you're talking don't you think you you'd be  saying you know for for fo

r the love of God Jay why must you park your antique fire engine  in the driveway and he I don't know I like it methy you like it clean they're room for  both of us wow don't you think that could work this is a license to print money this was  one of the most awkward experiences I ever had in my life we always had a driver named Carlos  car drove us to the airport a driver pulls up and um and a very handsome 6'4 African-American  man comes out in full Livery and as Nancy says is is um Carlos pic

king us up and I say  no he's sending someone else that's all I said and um so now we are in the car and we're  driving along and Nancy says to the driver oh Bumpus you know we're going American Airlines  right and he looks in the room mirror and goes yes I do and then she oh Bumpus [Laughter] you  know we have a greeter someone is greeting us he looks a little longer in the mirror this  time and he goes uh yes I do and I'm thinking to myself what a name I got to try this  name and I go oh Bumpu

s Bumpus let me ask you this um are you going to take the 405  or the marina and he said and now he looks at me a little longer in the mirror and he  says the 405 I'm going to take the 405 and I turn to Nancy and I say how do you know his  name is bukus and she says because you told me I said when did I tell you she said I asked  you is Carlos picking us up and you said no bumpuses I said I didn't say that  I said he was sending someone out buus is piing so then we pull up to the LAX and  we get

out of the car and I give him a $122,000 tip and I say I am so sorry what is your name and he said my name is Larry give me  a seat there we go a bounc [Music] cc David let him in there you're  quite a guy I'd say you stand about oh so high you got a new show and that's  a good thing and you don't work blue and that's also good d da D de whatever the  hell else you want to put but you know what you don't have all the answers py no  I know please please don't sing this to me no no no no I really

here I'm happy to do a song  oh that would be lovely you'd like me to I don't know whether this is better or if it's just if  I go koi like that that's no I I like that just give me a little camera room but you're fine  there okay you're not you're not the first man who sat on this desk like that yeah man alone me  who else I didn't know you played the violin you didn't know I played the he plays the violin Paul  oh for goodness he does I I would love you to read more about me um David and I ye

ars ago and I know  you don't talk about this we we did an all-white version of The Whiz which was and and to hear  him do EAS on down the road cuz Dave and I have been friends for a long time in fact we met years  ago in a Stage production uh where he was playing the role of lofty uh in the production of queer is  folk and I remember at the time thanks for [Music] [Applause] remembering fly me through this room  and make my entrance with finesse so your FES open ma'am I'm looking down your dres

s he lived through  dog attacks and jackan is Cobra somehow the guy survived a feud with OA a through thick and  through thin all out and all in and whether it's wind place or show it's me for you we'll muddle  through whatever we do together Raymond B and Mony Hall they came to America Maro ker she took  a fall got proac in America Michael Fox he's not that call but lifs in America Pam Lee her breasts  were small implants in America so let's unite all of us and take our pants up all together sh

all  we go back to your polling place oh [Music] my [Applause] James gandini Tony Soprano on one of TV's bet  shows he's a good fell people now now take the Cheney our nation's VP he has a heart that tends  to race and shot his body in the face both men are millionaires and they have lost some hair but  there's one other commonality that they both share but they won't now do the Late Show the L show  nobody could pay them enough though Tiger Wood said d games a no go it stings quite a big being 

burn byad pit who shs the lake show he hates dve G I li it's raining it's rain let's show what kind of mid fans  we are and tie the dog to the roof of our car so raise a glass PA is by to that jeno Dave's heart  has gone [Applause] on his charm his report Here's 2 20 more I open heart s you've been G we qu yours  your restore and your heart will go [Applause] on God bless you thank you for everything thank  you for everything the wonderful Marty Short [Music] everybody