[Music] yesterday was a momentous day for Donald J Trump he was indicted for 34 counts of falsifying business records and also one count of clock in the courthouse toilet they added that one at the last minute so old Trump he went down to the courthouse looked around stupid for a couple of minutes and fled on his private jet to Florida because as you all know Florida does not have an extradition treaty with the United States he rolled up to Mar-A-Lago and then he waved to support us and then off
ered to put a storm up big butt what is this serious here who adds motion to a thumbs up it's it's simple just it locks the elbow Trump got to be the first person to add the jerk off motion to a thumbs up thanks so much for coming out I really appreciate it okay so then after all of that it was time for Trump to give his big speech and the sidebar why people still going to Trump's speeches like I get it I get it that's your dude but you know what he gonna say he said Donald Trump is a comedian t
hat ain't changed his act in years you know what he gonna do liberal media be doing this and Joe Biden Joe Biden and them they be doing this y'all don't have DJ tickets the only the only thing the only thing that changes year to year with Trump is who his enemy is and for this fight he's got two new ones in a defiant speech at Mar-A-Lago the former president claimed he's a victim and targeted the prosecutor and judge in the case they can't beat us at The Ballot Box so they try and beat us throug
h the law the criminal is the district attorney might have a trump-hating judge with a trump-hating wife and family they'll go to trial and talk [ __ ] about the judge that's bold the judge could destroy you he can destroy you and you rallying them up you about to fight cocaine bad you don't offer them crack first and he didn't just call out the judge Trump called out the kids you don't pull the kids into even rappers don't go after the kids and they murder each other and Trump said the man has
a trump-hating wife but to be fair to be fair I don't even know if that was an insult because Donald Trump also has a trump-hating wife you know you can't tell me Melania don't hate that man if anything this week was confirmation if y'all think let me let me ask you this thing during Donald Trump's 45 minutes as a political prisoner where was his wife so many people noticed the former first lady the former president's wife Melania Trump was not in attendance last night his wife former first lady
Melania Trump she was not there among the guests were Ardent Trump supporters including congresswoman Marjorie Taylor green and the my pillow founder Mike Lindell one person noticeably absent last night was former first lady Melania Trump even the pillow salesman showed up for the speech but his own wife didn't show up and the speech was at the house Melania didn't even come downstairs she just she opened up the bedroom door oh you're back from prison already oh Trump supporters aren't just sup
porting him with donations they sound like they ready to do whatever it takes to avenge him after Trump's indictment some on social media called for war and said it's time for a real Insurrection this thing opens up a whole Pandora's Box here and I don't really think the left understands what they're getting themselves into it almost feels like they're pushing the population to react we think they're demoralized and passive let's see if they really are probably not the best time to give a gray o
r 15. and I think most people know that they are agitating for unrest that that's the only way to interpret this I'm ready for whatever's next and I hope every other man out there watching this show I hope you're ready for whatever's next if that's what they want let's let's get to it look look I can't speak for all the mother folks we just saw but the potatoes but when a black man wearing a leather jacket he ain't [ __ ] around doubt the [ __ ] folks have probably got the sword right there unde
r the damn seat but you got to give it up to these Trump supporters man you got to give them credit they talking about showing up to the courthouse showing up to the courthouse knowing that the NYPD will be there and the NYPD will be ready look I don't know if you've seen the footage of the NYPD but they whoop ass they made the playoffs every year but you know the NYPD they they might not beat these Mega protesters too bad cops might recognize some of them from doing January 6 together but [Appl
ause] Don't Clap for the police going to January 6th [Applause] but as passionate as Republicans are you got to give them credit these cases being quarterbacked by a black district attorney and not once have they called him the n-word okay excuse me one more six give me one second hey there I'm very proud of y'all you're very angry about this but at no point have you gone all the way to publicly using the n-word and that's growth and I want you to know that I see you and I see your progress and
that's just a little pat on the back from your old Uncle Roy to me here's what's weird about the reaction from Trump supporters they're getting ready for revenge for what Democrats did to Donald Trump but they're also celebrating what Democrats did to Donald Trump because they think it'll help them win the election so to help me break that down a little bit more on that return to the homie Ronnie Chang Ronnie Chang Ed but can you believe that some people think getting arrested is actually going
to help Trump yeah because they're right of course getting arrested is going to help Trump you know how badass he's gonna look when he walks into the Republican debates with a face tattoo now Trump's got street cred you're black you know what that is [Applause] man in jail it's not an instant path to Greatness you know jail it's not an instant path to Greatness you're an Asian you're smarter than this yeah yeah I am Asian which is why I know Trump is a is going to be a martyr now he'll be like t
he Nelson Mandela of the people who put Nelson Mandela in jail everyone thinks they want upstanding leaders but what they really want are bad boys who don't give a [ __ ] okay Bill Clinton got a blow job in the Oval Office and that's still the most popular thing you ever did that's not true that's not true oh yeah well name one other thing he did then he played saxophone on Arsenio Hall that's just another form of blowing okay face it Roy it's 2023 being indicted now makes you a stronger candida
te it's like being a rapper or Martha Stewart okay in fact I'm calling it Trump is now the official front-runner for president don't say that don't say that don't say that I just said it on The Daily Show with royal Regional don't say what Roy were Junior just say The Daily Show with Roy wood Juniors officially no no no says the Donald Trump is now the lead candidate in the presidential race seriously that's your prediction Trump wins election over already done yeah unless Joe Biden can also get
indicted for something even crazier I mean I'm talking Hunter Biden crazy okay none of this classified documents [ __ ] no one gives a [ __ ] about documents okay no I'm saying at the next cabinet meeting Biden's gotta beat Pete butter just to death she could come and use it to beat people to death you should give me a medal for saying that twice do something else illegal okay Roy you're black okay name some crimes Grand Theft Auto um possession with intent to distribute writing bad checks will
be a good wait a minute make me suggest crimes for the president man you're saying in order in order to fire with fire yeah exactly that's that's a great pitch okay he should set the White House on fire right inside okay so so Biden has the one up Trump okay if Trump goes to prison Biden has to go to solitary get the death penalty and then just to be safe go to hell okay so basically whoever goes to hell first will win the election because that's democracy baby we gotta go to hell they got to g
o to hell you make hell sound like a swing state yeah yeah exactly hell is like Ohio except not as bad okay that's enough running change everybody this will see what that black woman did to the white woman who did the same thing to a previous woman in a previous game my street can't resist my sweets first off Caitlin Clark herself was okay with the [ __ ] she was fine with it because Caitlyn gets that trash talk is part of the game and I agree personally I think trash talk is good for sports spo
rts it's better when there's trash out even better when it might start a race war see me you can't see me and to be honest man this was some good competition you know Caitlyn Clark versus Angel Reese this might be the new Magic Johnson versus Larry Bird this might be the start of a few that bleeds into the professional and into the WNBA you think Caitlin Clark ain't back in Iowa right now training you think she ain't right now dunking off the side of a bar LSU might have messed up and created a
monster the last thing you want in your life is a white woman with a grudge you seen the movies them white women get mad hey you get a white woman mad they keep coming and keep coming and coming did y'all see aliens that alien pissed off Sigourney Weaver one time and then Sigourney whooped that alien's ass for four straight movies then then she went and sick the predator on their ass here's what bothered me about today I'll say this Donald Trump deserves a fair trial but I also want Trump to get
the full American criminal justice experience which is not what happened today my man got to schedule his visit to the courthouse like he the cable man I called the court of a listen I'll be down to the jail Tuesday between 10 and 2. just make sure you get that then once Trump got there there were no handcuffs there were no mug shots there were no perp walks well for trump it would be a purp waddle but you understand but you know that doesn't make the point my point is I'm disappointed because
today shows you how Humane our courts could be so many people get dragged into this legal system and it's humiliating you get handcuffed you get gawked at you wait days sometimes months for an arraignment then you go into a building through one of those mini doors you get to a room they strip you naked they spread your ass cheeks they make you cough twice which I never understood the second cuff it's called if I get one cough is enough to know whether or not I Got Drugs in My Booty the second co
ugh is for you that's wrong am I sharing too much with y'all right now I thought this was I thought I could open up to y'all apparently not my point is for the sake of this country I hope that Donald Trump gets a swift trial but that doesn't mean he should get to use the TSA pre-check Lane but here's the good news the New York investigation is just one of many into the former president so we'll have plenty of other opportunities to get him arrested correctly so Georgia so state of Georgia if you
're listening when you finally get Donald Trump in your courtroom make sure he calls twice I'm trying to go viral this week you know it's a lot of pressure as guest hosts you know you got to be funny you got to be satirical you got to be powerful you gotta you gotta you know you gotta go violent I don't know what to do I just wish I had somebody that I could talk to to guide me through some of this stuff man use the false Roy who that run use that use the false I'm a ghost man who that Roy use t
he force use the use the force Roy thank you okay I know you I know you I know you I knew I knew your ass you're only one Kenobi I'm John Stuart I I used to work here when the budget wasn't as big a few years back you worked here I actually I actually hosted the program to be honest with you the Daily Show had a White House yeah that's like Obi-Wan Kenobi I like to be comfortable Roy the point is this okay Donald Trump doesn't Define you we want Kenobi what does that make me come on that make me
not walking why the [ __ ] wouldn't you want to be Luke Skywalker Luke Skywalker kissed his sister I want to be Han Solo instead Han Solo's badass Han Solo was cool he had to ship you can be Chewbacca why would I want to be like a wolf ape that doesn't make look I think would make more sense if I were the wise Sage who mentors the young host and not the wolf ape also I cannot return this robe uh what happened was the events that took place in this but if you're Obi-Wan if you're Obi-Wan and I'm
Luke then does that mean my dad is Vader because if my dad is Darth Vader does that mean Donald Trump is my dad why I'm trying to I'm trying I know that Roy why would Donald Trump be your father because if I'm Luke and Trump is Vader that means Trump killed you what fine you're Han Solo I'm baby Yoda fine the point is irregular ity [Applause] [Music] well I should have come when Silverman was here listen okay okay how about this how about this because I want to go along with it I want to go alo
ng with you on this okay how about you be Yoda because you're all hobbled and green and [ __ ] and I'll be Lando for obvious reasons I can be Lando you know is this a trap yeah because you're you both have uh yes my point is this Roy and thank you for having me on the program [Applause] work indictment is that American Judaism thank you so much I mean John Stewart John Stewart everybody of America's Supreme Court Justices is in a major corruption Scandal and you'll never guess who okay it's Clar
ence Thomas [Applause] that's what a simply Blockbuster blonde bombshell report get this Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas did not disclose luxury trips around the world worth hundreds of thousands of dollars propublica says justice Thomas has for years accepted free charter jet flights and stays on a yacht and Luxury Resorts from Real Estate developer Harlan Crowe Crowe is a conservative Mega donor Crow tells uh propublica he's never tried to influence the Justice on legal or political issu
es oh yeah yeah yeah sure I'm sure no no hang on no no I'm sure this billionaire Republican didn't want to influence nobody he he just no no he know he just wanted to go on vacation with Clarence Thomas you know because we all know that Clarence Thomas is clearly a bag of fun just be straight up who wouldn't want to pull up on Miami Beach with old CT [Applause] [Music] I don't know why I made them sound like Sling Blade here's my question if you're gonna buy a a Supreme Court Justice three yacht
s and planes for Clarence Thomas you could have bought Brett Kavanaugh for a bottle of Jaeger in a Southwest morning pass this is the better deal more than Group B this morning it's a battle of the Bulls Chipotle Mexican Grill filing a lawsuit in California against salad chain sweet green alleging sweet Green's new Chipotle chicken burrito bowl violates Chipotle's trademark rights Chipotle claiming sweet greens very similar and directly competitive bowl is an attempt to capitalize on their brand
arguing the competitor's ad uses the same font and style as Chipotle's branding and features a similar color to their trademarked adobo red Chipotle says sweet green should change the name of its new bowl by one putting the word Chipotle in lower case and renaming it as a chicken bowl with Chipotle foreign that's right that's right the two whitest restaurants in America are fighting over who gets to use a Mexican word and honestly honestly what the hell is Chipotle mad about you named yourself
after a seasoning that's on you Playboy honestly both both these companies need to get sued just for using the word burrito bowl if it ain't wrapped up it ain't a burrito [Applause] it's just [ __ ] in the bowl you're putting [ __ ] in a bowl and you go oh this is our burrito bowl [ __ ] that's dry chili would you like to try our all-new pb and j sandwich bowl sorry did I say I want it pudding I could have sworn I wanted a Savage something back in the day you'd be watching TV flipping the channe
ls and then you'd see an ad for one of those for-profit colleges be some dude in a t-shirt in the parking lot telling you to get your [ __ ] together first off how you gonna tell me to get my [ __ ] together your shirt ain't even got a collar brother or worse they level up after a little while and get Master P's son to rap to us about education say I see DC call it say ICDC I'm so I see DC College [Applause] do you like reading and [ __ ] I think that's the first time a dude lost a rap battle to
himself but the thing is people who graduated from these for-profit schools are often drowning in debt or end up with a degree that nobody respects fact is if you want to degree somebody respects oh you got to get you one of these baby this is my actual College broadcast [ __ ] institution none of that parking lot [ __ ] cost me about sixty thousand dollars should have been forty five thousand but I flunked a Year's school because I skipped school during midterms to open for Tommy Davis and tru
e story you know what I love this is this thing I love about college degrees you ever notice when you get a college degree your parents always want you to take a picture with them like they be cheese and super look at my mama look at my mama my mama's smiling harder than me you know she's been in higher education for almost four decades so you know she's happy about the degree and I'm smiling too to be fair I'm smiling but only reason I'm smiling is because I ain't seen the invoice yet but now t
he once exalted four-year college degree is starting to feel a lot like the parking lot education it's no wonder that people are starting to doubt the whole thing more and more Americans are asking themselves is a college degree still worth it for high school senior Reigns Lucas his biggest challenge isn't getting into his dream schools it's paying for them it's just not sensible to go somewhere and take on hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt many top executives are questioning
the purpose of a college degree including Elon Musk there's no need even to have a college degree at all you know it's bad when the dude who bought is a bad investment that's one of my take a second 44 million oh yeah that was bad that was a good joke [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]
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