[Music] Welcome to the critic pit. I'm your
host Bennett Snerp. The Critic Pit is the place where any chances of a film's success
are quickly dashed. This is due in large part to our esteemed panel of esteemed film critics.
We begin with the lovely and fashionable critic from the Hollywood Times Reporter, Miss
Vivian Verone. Vivian, you look stunning. Even when we feel terrible, we must look
our best, darling. Feel bad but look good" Interesting. She looks and feels
terrible. That brings u
s to our next panelist. Let me tell you about her.
the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune all rejected her. Not
because of her lack of critical abilities. In that regard she's full of it! Film critic for
the Interweb News. The lovely Miss Claire Delune. Thank you Bennett, but you're lucky
I'm here tonight. I barely made it. Really? What happened? It took me
three cabs and an Uber to get here, and I'm not talking about the car service, if
you know what I mean. Then I
find out that the elevator's out of service. Why this studio
is on the 48th floor I don't know. Thank goodness for assistive garments. I'm so
sorry, Claire. But I'm glad you're here. I'm not. On last week's show, she told
the same story but blamed the kissing bug! And that brings us to our fourth panelist. He's
an award-winning set designer and acclaimed critic for the Times Register Dispatch Daily Journal,
Biswich Eller. Welcome to the show Biswich. Thank you Bennett. It's a pleasure to b
e
here. But truth be told, I was torn torn between coming here and going to opening
night of the newest Chic dining experience: Che All the Way. I hear Chef Diego makes the
most scrumptious versions of pigs in a blanket. I'm sure it is, but what could be better
food for the mine than right here on The Critic Pit. And that brings us to our first film
for our consternation I mean our consideration. It's called The Slime. It's about a toxic
spill that quickly gets out of control in the city.
We soon find out that The Slime
takes on a life of its own. Let's take a look Someone there? Who's that?
Whoever's out there better come out and show yourself now.
I don't find this the least bit! Screams [Music] The mysterious toxic substance known as
The Slime has spread through throughout the city causing widespread destruction
and panic. Residents are urged to avoid any contact with the Slime, which results
in certain death. Law enforcement is on high alert as city officials
try to so
mehow stop the Slime. I think we're safe [Music] Safe? What if that thing finds us, Dirk.
Desdemona! You have to keep calm. Keep calm? How can I be calm when that whatever
that thing is is invading the city? Well we've made it this far, which is
a good thing. Yeah, but the Slime is still out there which is a bad thing.
We've got to find a way to defeat the thing and that would be a good thing.
Yeah but if we don't, the whole world will be covered in slime and everyone
will be dead, which is a
bad thing. Well, if we found its weakness we could exploit
it destroy it and that would be a good thing. How, Dirk? How?
We'll find a way. W'e'll find a way. The Slime has enveloped the entire city,
which is on complete lockdown. However, local and federal officials have
failed to find a way to stop the Slime. I'm scared, Dirk. Dirk can I tell you something?
Even though I've only known you for 3 hours, I think you're the greatest guy I've ever met.
Really? I've been told I have bad hygiene
and all my clothes have holes in them.
It's not true and it doesn't matter. I'm in love with you Dirk.
I feel the same way. If we ever get out of this thing alive, will you marry me?
Oh, Dirk. Dirk? Dirk? Are you there, Dirk? Come in, Dirk.
Sven? Sven? Is that you? Yeah, Dirk. It's me, Sven.
I thought we were the only survivors. Dirk, listen to me. I found
a way to defeat the Slime. Sven, that's great! What did it?
We examined several specimens from that thing and nothing we tried could
destro
y it. Then I decided to have some lunch. I had a BLT with just a smear of mayo.
We're not interested in your lunch, Sven. Just wait. the lettuce was a bit bland, so I
added some salt. Here's the rub. Some of the salt got into the specimens and that slime started
shrinking like something that shrinks real fast. Sven, that's great! Sven, that's great!
[Music] We have breaking new news as scientists have
finally found a way to destroy the Slime. It turns out the common household table salt
inst
antly kills it, City officials are attempting to disperse salt throughout the
city and destroy the Slime once and for all. [Music] [Applause] I do say, does someone have a dash of salt?
So, does that marriage proposal still hold? Jeez, I don't know I thought we were
going to die. Just kidding. [Music] What the heck is that and why does it smell
so bad? I thought we defeated the Slime. It's not the Slime. It's the Sludge! [Music] Well, panel, that was a lot to digest or
not! Claire your thoug
hts on the Slime? If this movie were a casino
game, it would be called craps, because it really stunk. I've
seen better film on a bar of soap. So true. The word excruciate doesn't even
begin to describe this wretched tripe. In fact, this movie would have made a much
better movie if they called it The Tripe. This movie lost me with the opening credits
it was all downhill after that. They really could have called it anything like The
Slop. The Mold. The Boyle. So formula. Just insert your di
sgusting substance
here. Maybe if the acting were better. I too felt The Slime headed down a slippery
slope, and the visual effects were not too slick. Time for one-word descriptions. Describe
this film in one-word, panel. Vivian? Gastly! Unbearable! Atrocious! Repulsive! Our last film is about a strange
shift in reality where all the rules are suspended and nothing is predictable.
Let's take a look at Alterniverse [Music] Hey, I can't believe everybody
has a 3D monitor except us. Tell me
about it. I'm still having trouble
with my D-mail. Those drones take so long. Oh, great. Another meeting. No tip for you! [Music]
Cool! I'm getting my 3D monitor tomorrow! [Music] Hey guys, you know it's really really important
that we keep this lid closed. Some really, really really weird stuff has been
showing up in the recycling bin. For example.
I don't think the paper you know the paper people want any of
this. It's got to go somewhere, but not here. Weird.
I really, really need you to
keep this thing closed. Okay?
Got it. Okay.
Okay. Hey, Ernie. Did I show you my latest app?
No. Yeah, let me take a look. That should take care of him for a while. Oh, Mark. I don't think Ernie's doing too
well. You better take a look at him. I'm so stressed out Yokes.
How about a coffee after work? That sounds great, but right now I got to fly. What? Do you mean you have to fly?
No wonder her productivity is so high. Hey, Mark. How's it going?
Not so good. I think my computer has a virus.
[Co
mputer sneezes] Oh, by the way Mark, have
you seen my new micro-phone? Whoa! That's pretty cool. Yeah, so check this out. Call Jenny Kim. [Ringtone for Work, work, work] I told you to stop calling me here! Hmm. I'm not really sure what's going
on. Huh? Where's my where's my phone? [Music] Stop ringing! What happened, there Ernie? You seem
pretty out of it. Was it the super nacho ranch flavored chimichanga in the cafeteria? No something hotter.
Really? Like what? I've had just about enough out
of you, Razo!
Well, you're no bit of roses either Mr. Snide! Did anyone ever tell you
you have really bad breath? Well, I just had pizza. You missed me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This
isn't right. This isn't right. What are we doing? Something changed around here. What?!
I'm not sure how I know this, but this office, this reality-- it's not right. We
have to figure out how to get things back to the way they were--if that's even possible.
But I like my dragon. Everyone think. What was the
last thing
you were doing before things went crazy? I was working on my computer. Browsing.
Clicking. That's it! We must have all simultaneously clicked
our mouses, which triggered some sort of office atmospheric event that changed everything!
Can't we just click our mouses again to undo it all?
No, Mark. That won't work. The inward inertia of our mouse clicks caused all
this. We must all do something outward at the same time. But what? I know! Let's dance!
Everybody Dance Now [Music] [Music
] It worked! The reversal process
brought us back to our own reality! [Everyone cheers] Whatever anybody does, nobody touch their mouse. Well, that was a somewhat interesting
twist on a plot that's been done to death. Biswich, what did you think of Alterniverse? Bennett this film was truly
substandard and just plain bad. And don't get me started on the wardrobe!
This isn't sci-fi. It's sci- why! As in, why did this film ever get
made? I give it a thumbs off! Arms and legs too! Altered
real
ity? How about altered script? This script needed more
revisions than Renee Zelwigger. This film needed an entire overhaul.
It seemed to go on forever. Hey, director here's a new word for you, Cut! Cut indeed. Panel, one word
descriptions for Alterniverse. Shoddy-verse. Looney-verse. All turn back. Perverse. Biswich, you seemed rather
harsh on Alterniverse. Care to expound? Certainly, Bennett. This film lacked
cleverness, imagination. and innovation. Biswich. if that is your real name, do y
ou not
appreciate the mere attempt of originality? It's not the least bit believable.
None of that could ever happen in our reality.
[Annoying music] It couldn't possibly be coming
from my phone. Oh, I guess it is. Will you turn off that horrible racket.
It's killing my eardrums! It sounds like fingernails in a chalkboard. I can't turn it off! On that note we'll see you next time on
The Critic Pit. Until then the Critic Pit is sealed.
[Music] Welcome to the critic pit I'm your
host Bennett
snurk the critic pit is the place where any chances of a
film success quickly are disbanished hey watch the racial racial slurs here
let me try that again three two one action viven you look stunning even if
we look ter wait cut it Vivian you look stunning Vivan you look stunning even when
we feel terrible we must look try to look our best darling film critic for the ineb news the
lovely Claire Delon thank you B but I be you're lucky you guys haven't had a line I know okay
here we go okay
I hear chef goo makes the most scrumptious versions of pigs in a blanket I'm sure
it is okay very good um cool yeah very good nice job okay you did Italian she looks and feels
terrible that brings us to our next panelist let me tell you about her the New York Times
the Los Angeles Times the Chicago ah had it almost had it okay it took me three cabs and
an Uber to get here and I'm not talking about the car service if you know what I mean
let's just say I went Uber and above the Call of Duty
film critic of the Beverly Hills
reporter Vivien Veron viven you look [Music] stun perfect they really could have called
it anything like the slop the mold the boil so formula that's great great you're
doing wonderful was great I can't do this so true hold on you have to look not
at her but over there cuz we're getting okay okay so true okay I too felt the
Slime went down a slippery slope sorry I'm channeling Mark right now okay aren't we
all but players in this dream of drama but I digres
s bwitch if that is your real name do
you not [Laughter] attempt to dream toy to we'll be right back after this we'll be right back one more time we'll be right back
to the critic f after this message action I think we're safe here that
was so bad action I think we're safe here see what that action how DK
how we'll find a way we'll find a way you scared d one more time it's not true I'm in love with you Derk talk oh oh Derk Derk are you there Dirk come in Dirk Durk
[Music] over Derk jk Are
you there come in JK Derk over I keep saying it wrong I thought we
defeated the Slime it's not the Slime it's the slime okay y one more scream just one
more scream no no no just one more scream okay one more time P it down and it's the sludge one more time with your
hands on your face it's the sludge okay so this is my death part okay
yeah wait wait for the car pass I I do say does someone have a dash of salt okay
we could get a couple two with your hands on on on your sides too you know ki
nd of
just like flying I don't know yeah kind of I don't know you know what I mean it's
just like that's like awesome totally have it right there right there yeah and just kind
of lean a little bit yeah yeah exactly maybe look at the camera make sure you look at
the camera you're leaning oh yeah in the other way boom B okay we could I think we got
it we got it rocking and music's playing and go want to go for a coffee after work that sounds great but right now I got to
fly you got to go no
I have to fly you had it all C that's pretty good action and
your what's speaking I don't know is that the line I think I lost my phone [Music] jeez camera you're holding
your phone you're just calling you and action can't we just what it
can we just can't we I like the way you coll open and you're doing some work at your computer rolling I can't believe everybody has
a 3D monitor except us and one more [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] time I told you to stop calling here perfect oh Mark
I don't think Ernie's
doing too well you better take a look at him hey Mark how's it going not
so good I think my computer has a virus could oh yeah we need to back
off two wter sorry you're immune to sneezes wait something's wrong this isn't
right something changed around here [Applause] what clicking that's it we must have all simus clicking that's it we must have all clicked our [Music] mes whatever anybody does nobody touch their Mouse and okay very good okay that's it guys okay thank yo
u
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