The Nanny

I was hesitate to talk about myself and hesitate to talk about my baby daughter on the show because parents lie about their children they just do it's terrible people lie about how long it took them to do something they lie about how much they paid for things and they lie about their children and their children's sleep habits parents claim their children sleep all night and you know it's not true wa put Taylor down at 8:00 and he sleeps right through to 800 or 8:15 the next morning oh sure right

parents lie about this they lie about their kids taking naps Taylor loves naps 11:00 a.m. 3:00 p.m. little guy points to his crib sleeps for about 65 minutes 65 or 70 minutes body massage is the secret and kelp you feed your kid kelp what they have kelp for babies very important for brain growth kelp and Yak yogurt Yak yogurt oh you didn't you didn't hear that report on all things considered yeah the the learning curve of Mongolian children of nomadic tribes living off Yak yogurt really yak yog

urt yeah they talk about four or six months earlier than you talk yes yes in fact Taylor talked when he was 11 months that must be why they call it Yak yogurt then huh as a matter of fact he talked in sentences by the way how old is your daughter oh just never mind just never mind okay so much dishonesty about children and that's why I felt it was time for me to talk and to talk truthfully and to tell you the story of our nanny prairie Prairie olafson and if this story can help just one parent o

ut there to be a better parent and to do the right thing then it will be worth it I remember when my wife and I decided to get a nanny it was about 2 days after she came home from the hospital what's wrong this is such a joyous time why are you crying I weigh myself today oh don't worry about that I feel like a cow I feel so ugly oh you're not you're beautiful and I'm psychotic from the sleep deprivation I'm A desperate person you are I went out and knocked over a liquor store last night no you

didn't I did really and I don't know why I just did it oh honey I'm in a big crisis honey I miss the hospital so [Music] much I miss my anesthesiologist he was such a kind man he made me so sleepy honey please I love the hospital it was so wonderful lying there and then the nurse came in with my baby in her arms and I thought to myself that's her that's my baby and I took her in my arms know I looked down her and I thought that's my B I know I felt the same way was so emotional and my my baby be

ing brought to me right the entrance of the baby you know a person doesn't get that same thrill when the baby is always with you though you know hanging on you sucking on you vomiting on you well of course that makes sense you know in order for the baby to make an entrance the baby has to make an exit right so we need a nanny I think so not that we couldn't care for the baby ourselves but I was reading in Jean P where she said Jean P the uh believing in your baby 12 steps to faster development y

es right believing in your baby yes she says that babies without nannies grow up with a 47% chance of winding up in an adult incarceration program yes she says having an alternative caregiver is crucial in the baby socialization process we can't deny our child socialization well I mean can we afford to hire one well how much did you get in the liquor store heist about 3,600 bucks plus a big bag of quarters well we'll just spend it till it's gone that's all my philosophy of parenting is that you'

re in constant crisis from the very beginning it's like the old rhyme says Monday's Child needs a lot of help Tuesday's Child is slow to develop Wednesday's child will scratch and bite Thursday's child won't sleep at night Friday's child is a piece of Comedy Saturday's child does projectile vomiting but the child that is born on the Sabbath day is a complete mystery in every way Parenthood just wore us out just carrying the books home just stacking the books by the bed just we are exhausted so w

e put an add in the paper older exhausted couple with small child seek experience Nanny no convicted felons bikers or Sopranos no no Sopranos well I I read in a book that Sopranos singing in the first 18 months can cause inappropriate aggressive behavior and high water intake and a dependence on humidifiers I say so the next day we started to interview people there was the older lady in the navy blue uniform with a starched linen blouse iir a room with an electric tea kettle in the fireplace and

I must have four weeks in the summer when I go to the ores oh and I have a corgi Nigel we interviewed a guy with a fright wig and red clown nose and big floppy shoes hi it's me Uncle Goofy from the cuckoo Clubhouse how we doing kids huh let's all March around the kitchen okay what do you say we interviewed a a short heavy set lady with an intense expression sensible suit sensible shoes it would be indeed my very great pleasure to see your child yes I had four of my own Rudy Trudy and tid and sh

si I could treat them theod and in the end we hired a young woman named prairie Prairie olafson such a nice name Norwegian I don't know my parents weren't into ethnicity no they were hippies in the' 60s I grew up in an A-frame with lots of goats they were Potters they made Earth andwar bowls with pebbles and sticks right in the clay they considered it organic sure well that's fine that's interesting uh uh we'd like you to come uh pray for three months we'd like you to work 5 days a week uh we ca

n pay you $3,600 in a big bag of quarters and uh basically we'd like you to come into our room every day at about 10:00 a.m. and again at 3: in the afternoon and say Here's your baby and hand her to us or something okay what do I do with her the rest of the time I have no idea I mean whatever nannies do you know you've been a nanny before uh in a former life okay good uh good enough for me uh any questions you have or uh I do have a Hudl a Hudl okay and a timberwolf named Ralph well that's fine

I I I read that uh having pets around can speed up the language process that's that's good and uh and here's your room right here oh you already moved in I see okay it was great having Prairie as a nanny life changed for us my wife and I woke up about 9 in the morning sat in the salarium in our robes we drank mint tea we read Dickens ther and at 10: the nanny opened the door and brought in the baby oh my look so beautiful our baby how lucky we are how precious look at her our so alert so bright

I love her so much oh I do too thank you prie see you this afternoon bye baby that was nice that was nice so civilized having a nanny I get so much red I'm almost through with the brothers caramon are you well that's lovely that's oh oh dear singing sounds like it yes well is that a CD I don't think so I don't hear an orchestra is it Mozart I think it is it's from the Opera with all the weird animals and the Masons in it well is that Prairie singing must be but we specified no Sopranos maybe she

's a Meto on medications well honey what should we do I have no idea well there it's over maybe it's just a temporary nervous upset or something I don't know a soprano I mean she seemed so normal I mean she wasn't wearing a scarf you know she wasn't carrying a big water bottle or anything oh God no this is serious I hope she's not bringing helmets and Spears into the house I don't like the sound of this terrible oh oh good thank gosh what does the pediatrician say about babies listening to Vagne

r it's not normal I just know that no it's not normal I meant to talk to the nanny about her singing but then you know we got busy we were playing back gamon and we made chicken creps for lunch we had a long nap and wrote letters and we went to the Art Institute and then it was three in the afternoon and Prairie came in with the baby hello oh my child oh I love oh her hair is so beautiful those little golden rings Oh My Darling uh Prairie yes sir um I forgot to tell you this Prairie at the begin

ning but we have a rule around here uh no Vagner we we've never allowed it in our home right we're very specific with guests with family no smoking no firearms no vogner right we tell everybody this is a Vagner home that's okay your choice exactly I must tell you though that while I was singing Vagner Maya stood up and walked yes you did she took 14 steps and then did a perfect PA she walked and she did a PA she's only 6 months old amazing a walking our baby that's wonderful well I only mentione

d Vagner because Jean po warns against it in her blog believing in your child oh bless you oh thank you what what are you you doing throwing a pinch of salt at the baby why why to ward off evil and promote verbal skills with a pinch of salt it works stop what you were just about to step on that crack in the floor what what crack you step on a crack and you set your child two weeks back you never heard that no I never did where where did you learn that Natalie dressed her book inqu of your baby's

inner child oh really she says that if you draw a circle around the crib and put an eyelash inside the left shoe the baby's small motor skills will improve before the next full moon and when you change a diaper if you wipe her with your right hand you have to fasten the new diaper with your left otherwise she'll be slow to read is that right that's how it works there's so much to learn about parenting I I I feel so unprepared we went out to a restaurant for dinner and when we got home it was pa

st midnight and we came in and oh no oh dear The Sound of Music oh please have mercy uh oh do a deer a female deer Ray a drop of Golden Sun please uhuh next thing we'll have the kid and darles I'm going to have to talk to her really do well I mean we just fire her that's all yes but I mean is this our house or not the baby loves her nanny a one but she loves this nanny we'll get the one with a starched blouse oh well it's gone I have to talk to her I'll just tell her there's no Rogers in Hammers

tein before 5:00 in the you know I'd hate to lose our lovely mornings our leisurely afternoons yes I I was meaning to tell you I I went to the baby's room today yes and the owl was in the room it was perched up at the head of the crib and the Wolf was asleep at the foot really yes and there was a frog sitting on the pillow with a mirror next to it and a candle and a golden apple and a wisp of hair and a gold locket and there was a note a note from whom guess the baby yes our baby has learned to

write she's only 6 months yes she wrote us a note complete sentences no misspellings no grammatical mistakes what did she say well it was in French so I'm I'm not sure but I she said J I love The Nanny and she must stay it was signed well exactly what can one do when a child makes that sort of progress yes how about a game of back am in the library of the salarium library lovely okay good and that's how my daughter at the age of one qualified for early admission to kindergarten she already reads

she does some arithmetic she draws very athletic very articulate and of course she's very talented musically we didn't push her or anything she just picked up the violin one day this is her right now play [Music] kid Suzanne Alman the soprano Su Scott Tim Russell Mr Tom Keith Rich Wy thank you Suzanne