I'm also in a good space in my life. I'm celebrating my two-year wedding anniversary-- two-year wedding anniversary. (audience cheering) That's right! I married my emergency contact. It was time, fellas. When you get to a certain age, you gotta upgrade your emergency contact. My mama go to bed too early. (audience laughing) My mama lay down when the sun still up. Like, mama why are you going to bed? "Boy, you better call me tomorrow." Bye. You better pray about it. "Get off my phone." Bye. "You
know I gotta work "in the morning." Like, mom, the sun is still out. "I don't care." (audience laughing) And shout out to the single people. If you single, make some noise. Single people? - Whoo! - Cool, two-- there's two of y'all, loud and lonely. (cheering) (audience laughing) We don't want to be broke and lonely, geez. This ain't a good time. You better pick one. Outside too expensive to be single. A family-sized box of Captain Crunch in LA is almost $10. You're trying to do that and rent? Yo
u better pick one. Don't do both of them. Nah, but I feel like when you get married, nobody tell you nothing too because just think. Single people never get jealous of married people because married people-- they think, like, they're happy. Like, you ever ask a married person what it's like being married? It start out being the explanation. And then it turn into a cry for help real fast. They get real awkward real fast. I asked this guy. I was like, yo, what it's like being married? He was like,
"ttttuh, whew! "Hey, take your time, OK? "Whew, you better have all the fun "you can, OK? "You better wait on God. "Don't do like I did, OK? "Marriage is work." I'm like, oh, because my question is I need to know if it's office work or construction work. I'm not putting on a tool belt to go home. And this is the funny part. I was like-- I said, you can always tell if somebody's happily married. All you got to do is ask the guy how long he been married because he gon' give you a sound and then t
he answer. The sound tells you everything you need to know about his marriage. (audience laughing) I was like, hey, man, how long you been married? He was like, "ahh, whew, um, bruh, "uh, ha-ha-- "about six months." I'm like, whoa! You can't ahh at six months. That was June! Ahh! (audience laughing) That's why it's important to marry somebody you like. If you like somebody, you can get through the tough times. Love is mandatory, but you don't have to like him. But if you like him, you can get th
rough the tough times. That's why you gotta marry somebody you like because everybody don't do that. This how you can tell you married somebody jacked up, or you're dating somebody jacked up-- when you gotta explain crazy to your family. (audience laughing) You ever see that person? They gotta explain like, hey, look, well, when I met her-- I don't know. She had eyebrows when I met her. I don't know what's going on. And she had teeth too. I don't know when she started doing this. Now she trying
to lick her elbow. This is awkward. Now she crying. I think she never seen parents before. Mama, she got a good heart. She don't usually do this. Baby, please get off the ground. Please, baby. Please get up. My mama looking. Get up. Please get up. OK, Mama, I'm sorry. Put my plate in the microwave. Please get up, please. You gotta find somebody you like because I asked the guy. I was like, yo, do you like your wife? He was like, "look, I love my kids, "OK?" I was like, what? (audience laughing)
He's like, "without my kids, "I am nothing. "Go ahead on with your little show." I was like, touché. Imma shut up. Imma mind my business. And my wife is dope because this the funny part. I feel like men-- we say we want a good woman, but you don't want a good woman, fellas. You say you want a good woman, but you don't want a good woman because good women make you the best version of yourself every day of your life. And they don't need your permission to make you better. (audience laughing) And t
hey will critique you and nag you to success. Yes, they will. My wife be like, look, that shirt trash. Go cut your hair and brush your tongue. Start over. I don't know what you're doing right now. (audience laughing) And put some oil on your beard so your beard connect. We don't connect because your beard don't connect. (audience laughing) Put some lotion on your elbow. Close her hand and walk off-- have a blessed day. You're like, what? The level of disrespect-- I just wanted some cereal. How w
e get here? (audience laughing) Fellas, these women will ruin your self-esteem with a sound. Do you hear me? I'm getting ready for date night. I'm dressed up, ready to go. My wife will look me up and down like, mm. Like, don't do that. Don't mm me. "I didn't say nothing. "But if that's what you want to wear, "I mean, you can do it. "I wouldn't suggest it. "But if that's what you want to wear, "mm." Like, don't do that. Mm. And fellas, the more she love you, the more disrespectful she is. Oh, my
goodness-- the more disrespectful. Because fellas, I don't know if you noticed or not. But if you're with a good woman, they think you are the dumbest person on the planet. Every woman here right now with her man-- she really thinks that you are the dumbest person on the planet. Let me tell you how I figured it out. Fellas, next time you argue with your lady, ask her to repeat what you just said. Think about the voice she uses when she play back what you just said. Ehhh, I'm Ron G. Don't put no
dairy in mine 'cause I get real gassy. My stomach sounds like an empty ketchup bottle, ehhh. Don't put no spice on mine. My nose start to run. I can't take it, ehhh. Ehhh, my beard's starting to connect. Now my wife is starting to respect me, ehhh. I'm like, "baby, "I don't sound like that." Ehhh, I don't sound like that. Stop making a joke out of me! They be disrespectful, fellas. And then when you get married, everybody rushing you to have kids. Your family-- when y'all having babies? Like, ma
'am, I am still at my reception. Can I enjoy my wife? I've been married for seven minutes. Can I enjoy my wife? "But when y'all having babies?" Ma'am, I am cutting the cake at my reception. Can I please enjoy my wife? And I'm ready to have kids. It's about that time. I'm an active shooter. Listen. (audience laughing) I am ready. (audience laughing) But I don't want to wait too late in life to have kids. I don't want my kids to wind up being old people baby. Anybody know what that is? You ever me
et somebody that wait too late in life to have kids, and they kids come out grown? You ever meet a grown baby? They don't smell like regular kids. Like, regular kids got sweet baby neck. You ever hold a little baby-- sweet baby. And you're like, oh, tugga-tugga, oh! (audience laughing) Old people baby-- they smell grown. They come out stressed out. They got sweat on they lip like they did a line of cocaine and worked a double at the Waffle House. They first words be a-ruh, a-ruh. (audience laugh
ing) They come out with a cigarette like, all right, nurse, I'm 'bout to go lay down in this incubator. If you can, can bring me back some milk and some matches from the store? Huh? Y'all got me stressed out in here. Tell this doctor to get this cut off me. Hey, nurse! Nurse! Nurse, get this off of me! Hey, mom, get the doctor! Nurse! Nurse, get the doctor! Hey! Bring me back some milk and-- nurse! (audience laughing) The baby's stressed out. Nurse! (audience laughing) My best friend's what I ca
ll an old people baby. When I was a kid, I did kid stuff. I used to play with Play-Doh. I had a Big Wheel. I had a skateboard. My best friend was the same age. He was eight. He used to come to the door with a house robe on and a cup of coffee like, child, I want to come outside. But my ankle's swole. I don't know what's going on with me. I think I got a little fluid on my knee too. I don't know what's going on with me. I was gonna go outside and play on the monkey bars earlier, but I smelled rai
n. Every time I smell rain, my bones be achin', so I laid down. I took some fish out to make. I was gonna make some chicken, but I had my mouth all set for some fish. I'm like, "you eight years old "and had your mouth set?" Yeah, child. Anyway, I was watching my stories earlier. I was watching The Young and the Restless. You know Victor Newman always getting in something. Anyway, I'm 'bout to go in my room and iron my clothes for the week and get situated. "Situated? "You eight years old!" Anywa
y, take care, beloved. Have a good one. Tell your mama I said hello, OK. I'll see her Tuesday at bingo. And tell her to bring back my Tupperware. She thinks she's slick. I'm like, "beloved? "We eight. "We the same age." Some of y'all not laughing 'cause you got old parents. You can't really appreciate this joke. (audience laughing) This how you can tell your parents' age. You can tell if you had old parents or not by your field trip food as a kid. Remember you went on the field trip, and your pa
rents packed you a lunch? I had young parents, so I had fun food like turkey cheese, peanut butter and jelly. My parents liked me. I had Capri Suns, Fruit Roll-ups, Gushers. Anybody know what Gushers are? (audience cheering) About seven of y'all-- some of y'all in this area right here-- probably old people baby. Y'all like my best friend. He was on the field trip. He had yams, greens, and a Cornish hen. What you doing with a Cornish hen on a field trip to the zoo? There's never a reason to bring
a whole hen to the zoo. Them gorillas will kill you! He got the whole bus smellin' like a civil rights pep rally. If you don't close this container-- it smell like the fellowship hall at the church. It smell like a-- it smell like the fundraiser plates. Remember the mothers of the church make the fundraiser plates? Boy smelled grown. It smelled like Thanksgiving in the back of the bus. If you don't close that container-- He at the back of the bus mad. Nobody want to trade him food. He like, a-r
uh. Anybody want some oxtails? I'll trade y'all some oxtails for some Oreos. Anybody want some oxtails? (audience laughing) I got some casserole. Anybody want some casserole for some cookies? Nobody bring casserole on a field trip. Anybody wants some gizzards? I'll bring some gizzards. Anybody wants some gizzards for some grapes? Anybody wants some gizzards? I got some Salisbury steak. Anybody want some Salisbury steak for some fruit snacks? Anybody want some Salisbury steak? Anybody want some o
kra? I got some okra. I'm like, why you bringing okra on a field trip? Nobody under the age of 40 eat okra on a field trip. (audience laughing) He even had an old people baby Christmas list. When I was a kid, I wanted a skateboard. I wanted a fire truck and a Ninja Turtle. My best friend was the same age. He was like, hey, Mema, can you get me a sweater vest-- (audience laughing) --a crockpot, and two tickets to the jazz festival? Me and my girlfriend Shirley want to go down to the jazz festival
. We want to see Boney James. I'm like, "you've got a girlfriend "named Shirley already? "You eight years old." He had a Costco card. How you eight with a Costco card? A-ruh. If any of y'all young ladies need some baby wipes or some snacks, I got you. A-ruh. That is a great joke. This is going on TV, and y'all laughing at me like I'm not hilarious. Whatever. I appreciate these chuckles over here. Y'all just giggling. (laughing) That's that single girl laugh. (laughing) (audience laughing) All th
e married women-- y'all like mhhhm, mm. (audience laughing) You laugh different when you're responsible for somebody. You're just glad to be out there havin'-- hmm, hmm, hmm. (audience laughing)
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