Trump Announces He's Suspending His Campaign in April Fools' Day Prank

-Good evening. I'm Seth Meyers. This is "Late Night." We hope you're doing well. And now if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news. Former President Trump held a rally today in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and still managed to have the dumbest hat. [ Laughter ] The Trump campaign sent a joke e-mail yesterday to supporters with the subject line "I'm suspending my campaign..." while the body said, "Just kidding." "Just kid--" I think you mean "April Fools." Why can't you do anything normal? [ As

Trump ] "I'm suspending my campaign. Faked you out on this, the opening day of the month after March." The New York judge overseeing former President Trump's criminal hush money trial warned yesterday that Trump could lose access to jurors' names if he does anything to harm the integrity of the jury selection process. Why does he have access to the jurors' names? That's like giving Cruella de Vil the address of the local animal shelter. [ Laughter ] Donald Trump Jr. warned in a new fundraising e

-mail that New York Attorney General Letitia James is trying to seize Trump Tower and said she is, quote, "seizing my boyhood home." Boyhood home? It's not a shack on the banks of the Mississippi. It's weird to call something your boyhood home when it has a restaurant in the lobby. The House Administration Committee said yesterday it's updating its phone system to make it easier for Capitol Police to track threatening calls, and I think they're going to be surprised by how many of those calls ar

e outgoing. [ Laughter ] Authorities in Massachusetts recently arrested a man who allegedly pretended to be a delivery driver and robbed seven homes in one night. Police first became suspicious when they saw his car. "Wait a minute. No one orders Papa John's!" [ Light laughter ] Oh, some... [ Laughter ] A few more Papa John's fans in the house than maybe we thought. [ Laughter ] According to a new report from the real estate website Zillow, the worst time to purchase a home is in the fall or win

ter, and the best time is in 1958. [ Laughter, applause ] "I got a real deal!" [ Applause ] Archeologists in France recently discovered a 14th century castle under a hotel, while at a hotel in Jersey they discovered a 14th century towel. [ Laughter ] Today was International Fact-Checking Day. "No thanks," said your uncle on Facebook. [ Laughter ] And finally, Western Washington University recently announced it will offer a new online certificate program in cannabis product development and design

. But if you ended up going to college online at Western Washington University, you're probably already a cannabis expert. And that was a monologue, everybody! [ Cheers and applause ] We are off. We are running. We're very excited about tonight's show. We got some fantastic guests for you tonight. He is the Emmy-winning star of one of the funniest shows of the last few years, "I Think You Should Leave." Tickets are on sale for his live tour of that show, and I'm going tonight. I can't wait. Tim

Robinson. Our very good friend Tim Robinson is here, everybody. [ Cheers and applause ] He's an incredible actor I first saw in "The Wire," who was nominated for a Tony for his work in "Death of a Salesman." He's currently starring in "Elsbeth," which you can see Thursdays on CBS. Wendell Pierce is on the show! [ Cheers and applause ] And she is a Tony-winning actress and singer currently starring in the critically acclaimed Broadway show "Merrily We Roll Along" at the Hudson Theatre. Lindsay Me

ndez will be here. We've got a good show. You guys, My brother and I, we got ourselves a podcast called "Family Trips with the Meyers Brothers." This was one of our most exciting episodes. Julie Andrews and Emma Walton Hamilton, her daughter, were on our show. Really quite an honor. Do give it a listen. It was very special for us. Moving on. Um, you guys, spring's in the air. I don't have to tell you guys that. You're outside. People are anxious, because of spring being in the air, to get back o

utside, to enjoy the sunshine, and that includes my writers. You know, my writers, they have to write hundreds of jokes every day just to get the 10 or 12 we use in the monologue. And honestly, a lot of those jokes just aren't good. Sometimes I think they throw in a few stinkers on purpose just to fill the page and meet the assignment. But just because the days are getting longer, that doesn't mean we can tolerate laziness, which means it's time for another surprise inspection. [ Trumpet soundin

g ] [ Cheers and applause ] Here's how this works. I'm going to read some real jokes really submitted by my writers. Some are dumb, some are offensive, some are just insane. Most importantly, my writers don't know we're doing this. And because they don't watch the show, they'll never know. [ Laughter ] Let's get started. Trader Joe's announced last week it has lowered the price of green onions to "one scallion dollars." [ Audience groans, chuckles ] Uh, Bryan, uh, wrote the joke. And, uh, as you

can tell, both from the joke's content and his photo, he's a dad. [ Laughter ] The food company Kraft Heinz has announced plans to install new equipment to decarbonize production at 10 facilities, including heat pumps, electric heaters, and electric boilers, forcing the other industries to play "ketchup." [ Audience groans, laughs ] -Whoo! -Who could possibly have written a joke like that? [ Laughter ] Also, just -- There's -- By the way -- Can we go back -- Can we go back to those two cards? T

here's a billion things wrong with that joke. Um, the most import-- So here's the thing. The writers get -- Every day, they get set ups to jokes and they can just write the punchlines, but they also don't -- They can edit the setup, which clearly Bryan didn't do. Again, if the punchline of the joke is this, "forcing other industries to play ketchup," tell me if you think you need all these words: "The food company Kraft Heinz has announced plans to install new equipment to decarbonize production

at 10 facilities." You're good there! But he keeps in, "including heat pumps, electric heaters, and electric..." Well, you almost [bleep] forget it's about ketchup. [ Laughter ] You're not getting paid per word! [ Laughter ] A professional escape artist in Italy recently created a new Guinness World Records category after he escaped from a water tank in 2 minutes and 11 seconds while his hands and feet were restrained. The way he was able to do it was his mother-in-law was in there with him. [

Laughter ] Matt wrote that joke. We hired Matt from the 1950s. "I got a good mother-in-law joke, you guys." Officials in France have warned that cheeses like Camembert and Brie could disappear because of a decline in the fungi that makes the cheeses. Like this fun guy, Pierre. [ Laughter ] You know what that means. [ Laughter, applause ] Why are you clapping? Why are you clapping? You just proved ketchup was his best work. We did the ketchup joke. We didn't realize that was his peak. According t

o a new survey, 48% of Americans said that they are more likely to eat out after receiving their paycheck. "Still no," said DJ Khaled. [ Laughter ] That's based on a story I wouldn't Google. [ Laughter ] And that's a dad joke I wouldn't tell your kid. [ Chuckles ] A federal judge in New Jersey ordered the state last week to redesign its election ballot. Also, all elections must now take place on "Jerz Day." [ Light laughter ] Oh, my God. They all -- No, they're still here. [ Laughter ] Ali. [ La

ughs ] Now, if you're a regular watcher of this segment -- and why would you be? -- you know that one of my writers in particular seems to go out of his way to shock and horrify. It's almost as though when he writes his jokes, he's hoping they'll show up in "Surprise Inspection," which means it's time for a special edition of "Surprise Inspection," "Oops All Scollins." -You're not better than me! [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] In a new interview, RNC Co-Chair Lara Trump said she will ensur

e that all donations will go to causes Republicans care about and added, quote, "Trust me, I am the daughter-in-law of Donald Trump." Yeah, that does not instill confidence. That's like if your babysitter said, "Trust me, my sister's Casey Anthony." [ Audience groans, laughs ] By the way, the only person that laughed was Scollins over there. [ Laughter ] Oops. All Scollins. A dog in Florida recently dug up an unexploded military ordnance and did what any dog would do. [ Audience groans, laughs ]

So the dog dug up an unexploded bomb and then used it to kill the mailman? And then, um... and then the mailman... the mailman's family chose on the tombstone to just put "mailman"? [ Laughter ] Today... Don't you dare. Today was Manatee Appreciation Day. In that case, thanks for making everything in the sea look hotter. [ Audience groans, laughs ] Anything to say about that one, bud? No. [ Laughter ] He didn't have to come to work today. [ Laughter ] According to a new study, 37% of Americans

slept worse in 2023 than in previous years. Well, yeah, he's been in jail. [ Audience groans, laughs ] By the way, let me tell you guys something. It's a true story. These are the best ones I could choose from. And Scollins walked in today and goes -- I said, "Are you here to celebrate what we're doing today?" And he goes, "Yeah, but I guess I'm not gonna be celebrating as much as I thought I was." And I go, "Yeah, some of those jokes I can't do." And he said -- You know what he said to me? And

by the way, he works for me. He goes, "Coward." [ Laughter ] And they're all worse than these. Let's see if we'll -- Do you think we're going to get them back with the last one based on how it's been going? I'll give you a chance. I can stop now. Do you want me to do the last one? -Yeah. -Okay. It's the -- It's the dog -- It's the dog one. Do you remember which one it is? -I don't know. -Dogs in a conga line. -[ Bleep ] -[ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] [ Laughter ] I'm so happy you're here! And finally,

a dog trainer in Germany set a world record for most dogs in a conga line by telling them that Michael Vick died. [ Audience groans ] [ Laughs ] This has been a surprise inspection, everybody! [ Trumpet sounding ] [ Cheers and applause ]