Let's begin with the debate
over in vitro fertilization. Last week, the Alabama Supreme
Court threw the future of IVF into doubt by ruling
that frozen embryos, that are less than a 10th of
a millimeter, by the way, are legally humans. And I'm sorry, but if you
could pass through a spaghetti strainer, you're not human. And now, Republicans who've
spent years and years insisting that every
embryo is touched by God, are suddenly saying, oh,
we didn't mean in a way that makes us unpopular. The GOP's
top brass are
now trying to scramble to get on the side of supporting IVF. The Republican
Senate campaign arm jumped on the issue by sending
out this memo on Friday, urging that quote, "It is
imperative that our candidates align with the public's
overwhelming support for IVF and fertility treatments." House Speaker Mike
Johnson also came out in support of IVF
treatment and called it a "blessing for
many moms and dads who have struggled
with fertility." IVF is something that is so
critical to a
lot of couples. It helps them breed
great families. Our country needs that. [AUDIENCE HOOTING] OK, OK, that's-- that's too
far in the other direction, OK. Did this guy-- this guy just
say breed great families? Are you trying to run
a country or get us into the Westminster Dog Show? This guy must really
clean up at the nightclub. He's like, yo, girl, look,
you got those straight teeth and detached earlobes,
I want a genetically pass that on to my
litter, you know. But you know what? You know, bet
ter
late than never. So now that Republicans
are on board with IVF, I'm sure they'll jump
at the opportunity to pass a law to protect it. A Republican Senator
has blocked the passage of a bill to protect
access to in vitro fertilization nationwide. Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith
of Mississippi objected to the measure's
approval yesterday. The bill before us
today is a vast overreach that is full of poison
pills that go way too far. Far beyond ensuring
legal access to IVF, it would legalize
human cloni
ng. It would legalize
gene-edited designer babies, and lift the federal
ban on the creation of three-parent embryos. It would legalize the creation
of human-animal chimeras. First of all, chimeras? I don't know how to
pronounce that word, but I know it's not that. And, and secondly, you're
not going to protect IVF because you're
worried that someone might put like a human
head on a giraffe's body? Why on Earth would
you want to stop that? That sounds awesome! I could be eating a tree
right now,
you know? Republicans are treating IVF
the way I treat reading books. I'm always like, oh, I'm
going to read so many books this year, I love reading. But when it actually comes
time to read, I'm like, not for me, you know. And to be clear, none of
this stuff that that Senator was warning us about is real. They're just looking
for excuses to ban IVF, which to me, is crazy. Why would you want
to criminalize one of the only times you can
masturbate for a good cause? Trust me, I've tried jacking
it
for leukemia and people were not happy. Let's move on. I don't know about you
guys, but I eat food. Do you eat food? Yes! I knew you ate food. But when I'm at
the grocery store, I can never figure out which
foods are actually healthy. This one is low fat,
but high in sodium. This one has vitamin C,
but also poly mono fibers? Now I'm staring at ingredient
labels until the store closes. I'm trapped inside,
my wife finds a new husband to breed with. It's a mess. But luckily, the FDA is
coming to th
e rescue. The FDA potentially
rolling out a new logo as soon as this
year for companies to stamp on food packaging. They say it would
clear any confusion on what products
actually should be considered good for you. Right now, only 3% of foods
are currently allowed to claim their food as healthy. Wait. What? Just 3% of foods
qualify as healthy? God, please hope that fruit
roll-ups are in that 3%. God, please hope that
fruit roll-ups are 3%. But yeah, the FDA is
going to make a logo to help people
choose
healthy foods, which you know, good luck with that. This is America. It's a victory if we can
get people to unwrap things before eating them. But I believe we do need a
logo identifying healthy foods. I just don't think
it should be one of these boring ass options. Am I trying to have breakfast
cereal or do tax prep? If you want people
to eat healthy foods, you got to make
the logo look cool, like Jordan holding broccoli. And finally, let's talk
about a major update in the ongoing battle
between
Donald Trump and karma. He's on trial. He's on trial right
now for trying to overthrow the government,
a pretty big faux pas. But recently, his lawyers threw
out a Hail Mary legal claim that says he's immune from
being charged for anything he did while president. And now his buddies
on the Supreme Court are saying, maybe. This morning, the US
Supreme Court handing Donald Trump the gift of time. The justices agreeing to decide
whether the Republican front runner should be immune
from fed
eral charges because his attempts to
reverse the 2020 election happened while he
was still in office. We will never give up. We will never concede. In one-page order,
the high court saying it will hear
arguments in the case the week of April 22. But with no firm date
for its final ruling, the prospect of a federal
criminal trial being completed before the November
election becoming increasingly unrealistic. Legally speaking,
his strategy has long been to
delay, delay, delay. Here, he gets help i
n
doing that from the highest court in the land,
and there's nothing anybody can do to stop it. I cannot [BLEEP]
believe this! This dude, he's slipping
out of everything! Is he some sort of human
eel chimera, you know? Like you know, he
started this, he started his campaign with four
different cases against him. And he's going to run out
the clock on all of them. There's the stolen
documents case. He got a Trump-friendly judge. The Georgia case
has been completely sidetracked by two of
the prose
cutors [BLEEP] each other. Now, now the January
6 case is getting delayed due to a legal
theory that nobody thinks is legit, except for
maybe the judges he hired. The only case that might be
finished before the election is the Stormy Daniels case. And based on the way
things are going, I bet that judge is going to
get [BLEEP] stuck in a Venus flytrap or something. I don't know. You'd think with so many
cases against him, one of them would stick. But he's actually using
that to his advantage, say
ing he needs to delay
the cases so he has time to prepare for the other ones. It's like when Arnold
Schwarzenegger is getting attacked by two guys and he
bonks their heads together and they're both out for
the rest of the movie. For more on the
Supreme Court delay, we go live to Washington, DC
with our very own Desi Lydic. [CHEERING, APPLAUSE] Desi, Desi, Election
Day isn't that far off. How soon do you
think the Supreme Court could rule on this? Well, Michael, that depends. When is Election Day
? November 5. They'll rule on November 6. So, so this is
purely political. No, it only looks
entirely that way. But you have to remember how
complicated this issue is. The justices have
a very difficult legal question to answer. Can the president break
the law any time he wants? Hard to say, hard to say. You know,
constitutionally speaking, can he burn down the White
House for insurance money? Can he set a bomb on a bus
that'll detonate if the bus goes below 50 miles per hour? Can stick his peni
s in a
barrel of warm coffee beans at Whole Foods? These are not easy
questions to answer. Yeah, aren't,
aren't they, though? I mean, to me, all these cases
seem pretty open and shut. OK. Did you go to
Harvard Law School? No. Well, I did, to use
their bathroom once. And because I have
that legal background, I understand that
these things take time. They're-- they're going to
need two weeks to read briefs, another two to debrief. Then you need a silent
retreat from the briefs. You rebrief. Lots o
f stretching
and hydrating. And then it's July, which of
course, is French American Heritage Month. And that, that is
very sacred to Justice Brett Kavanaugh hon, hon, hon. I think he's Irish. Here's the thing. There has to be
some way to get this decided before the election. Can't they work
around the clock? Democracy is hanging
in the balance. OK, but what about
the other balance? Work, life balance. Grind culture is
killing all of us. I mean, look at me. One minute I'm reporting
from the Middl
e East and the next
I'm flying to DC to stand here in front of
this very real Supreme Court. I'm exhausted. And that's all on top of
my cardiology practice. Cardiology? You're a doctor? I used a lot of med
school bathrooms, yes. Look, the point
is, the justices are human beings like the
rest of us, with full lives. They need time for things like
being with their families, traveling in their Winnebago,
keeping Donald Trump out of prison, playing golf. Wait, wait, wait. What was what was the
last
thing you said? Golf. They love golf. OK. Legal expert, Desi
Lydic, everyone.
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