turns out i don't have ADHD??

Hello, welcome back! Me again! Welcome back to  another podcast episode, haven't done one of these in a while. I also didn't like- I was gonna  say size you up, I'm not gonna fight you. What's it called? Frame you! It's been a while since I've  done a podcast, hasn't it? Um- and a f**king lot's changed, let me tell you. I'm gonna do my makeup as  I do this podcast because I have a true crime to film today. What's new huh? Well actually I'll  tell you what's new because there's a f**king lot that

's new. Last time I saw youse, I was like  oh I'm booked in for an ADHD assessment, I'll let you know how it goes! I was pretty sure I was  going to get diagnosed with it. I don't have it! Well she don't think I do, she don't think I have it! It was the  f**king weirdest moment when she was like- so she like concluded at the end and she was like, so you  know I don't think you have ADHD and I was like- Are you? Be f**king for real like, come on! No but,  she then went on to explain why she think

s I don't have ADHD and it made a lot of sense to me.  So if you've never done an ADHD test before, they send you like paper assessments to do beforehand. I had to fill them out and they're like loads of different statements and you say how much you  agree with each thing and it's like, I am restless I agree like strongly or whatever, you know what  I mean? I fill that out and they also get someone from your childhood to fill it out, so I got my  mum to fill it out. Like imagining me as a child,

to see if the behaviours have like been steady since  childhood into adulthood. And they also get someone um from like your current life uh, to do it. So  I got Adam to do it. Uh- Adam and my mum filled out these uh- thingies. We sent them off to the lady  and she was like look, on all of these tests you're scoring about half. Like so you do have half of the  symptoms of ADHD but she was like because it's not 100%- Or well not necessarily 100% but she was like,  because you don't have half like

just because I do have half, I also don't have half of the symptoms.  So she was like, I don't think it is ADHD. I think that these symptoms that you are experiencing  could be the result of something else. So a secret third thing! So as part of the assessment I don't  know if they do this with everyone, I think they do actually. Um, she was like getting me to like tell  her about all like my trauma and stuff. It was really funny actually because Adam was just like  chilling in my other room li

ke, doing some work or whatever and I was like, if he can hear me right  now! Why am I f**king relaying all my trauma ever to this woman who's gonna tell me if I have ADHD  or not. And that's exactly why she did it actually because I told her about all my trauma and she was  like, these symptoms that you're experiencing could just be like really severe anxiety because  I told her that I have really bad anxiety. I always have all my life um and she was like, the  fact that you're aware that you h

ave anxiety says a lot but also you're not aware of how  bad it is. And I was like, huh interesting! Um so I went back to my other therapist, who I don't  see as regularly as I once did. Oh my God remember when I said I was going to do my makeup, I haven't  even f**king touched my face. So I went back to my therapist, who I don't see as regularly as I once  did. These days it's just kind of like to keep an eye on my medication, see that I'm still on the  right dose and whatever. We decided recen

tly, I am not on the right dose because I've been getting  really bad anxiety lately and I couldn't even tell you why. That's the worst kind of anxiety,  isn't it? When you like can't even pinpoint why it is and it's like why am I panicking to go  out and have a meal with my boyfriend? I know I'm gonna have a great time! So why, tell me why  I'm scared? I'm not scared of that man! I've been kissing him for a while now, I'm not scared of  him. So I don't really understand what's going on on plane

t Ellie at the moment. But yeah, severe  anxiety. I'm going back to therapy properly. Like every week I have a recurring session, every  Thursday? Yes! Every Thursday at 10 A.M with my therapist, I am going to be crying and honestly  we did like my first session of it- So ever since I got this diagnosis of, it's not ADHD it's really  f**king bad anxiety, um I went back to my therapist and I was like, let's do these weekly sessions. So I  had the first one last week and it was going well for the

first like half an hour, I was like damn  therapy is f**king easy, why did I ever stop doing this! And then we hit a nerve. Girly, I cried and I  cried and I cried and I cried. I cried for the last half hour of the session and then I finished  and I just went and sat on my couch and just- Like just like, exploded out of me. And I did kind  of expect that, you know your first therapy session back after a while- who am I f**king kidding, I'm  not gonna do my makeup. I don't know why I feel the nee

d to always do my makeup for my true crime  videos lately, I don't really like that! Because I used to go on that channel in no makeup all  the time but for some reason these days, because it just kind of feels like a uniform to me. It's  like oh that's my very professional day job, I better dress up and put my uniform on AKA eyeliner!  So anyway, where was I? Trauma dumping on you all. Um so yeah, I had my first therapy session of- of  the year, really! Of- of this particularly bad mental healt

h blip, I had my first therapy session. And I  definitely think we've already kind of got to the root of my anxiety. Well we've- we've kind of got  a good idea of what's causing it now and I don't wanna say. Honestly. Uh- because I think I do share  quite a lot online about my mental health but like the specifics like that, I'm not really keen  on on talking about online. But I will tell you how everything goes and how my anxiety goes and  stuff. But yeah I think we kind of- we literally just sc

ratched the surface, like we literally just  kind of identified one of the things that's like causing my anxiety, right before the session ended.  So it's like, next session will be really diving into that and I'm so nervous! Like I haven't felt  that emotionally vulnerable in so long. It's such a weird feeling going back to therapy, I've done it  so many times in my life. I've dipped in and out of it so many times and it don't get any easier  because every time you go back- Well no, it kind of

does get easier but it it never stops feeling  weird, maybe that's what I mean? Like you go back for your first session and you're like, f**k  I forgot what this felt like, this is weird! But already I feel- not much better when it comes to  my anxiety, I definitely- I'm still rather damaged inside. But now that I've kind of pinpointed it a  little bit, I already feel a little bit of relief. A little bit, not too much because nothing's actually  happened to get rid of my anxiety but just knowing

what it is, it really makes a difference you know?  I think therapy- honestly I'm such a therapy stan. I think therapy is life-changing, it has been  for me every single time I've done it. So I'm really excited for this time around. But also, the  ADHD lady said that if I like treat my anxiety and the symptoms- my ADHD symptoms still persist,  then maybe I go back and get another screening because I didn't actually have an assessment,  I had a screening. They give you a screening before you go

and have an assessment so that they  kind of don't waste the assessor's time, I think? Um, so you have like a mini assessment before  your assessment and I had the mini one and she was like, there's no point you're going for the  big one because I think it's anxiety. So she did say that if I treat my anxiety and the symptoms  persist, then it probably is ADHD and I should go again but she was doubtful of that. And it makes  sense like I was scoring high in all of the, um- Oh, I forgot which side

of the test it was  but there's two different types of symptoms, the hyperactivity ones and the attention  deficit ones. I think it was the attention deficit ones that I was scoring really  really high on. But I am f**king hyperactive anyway! Anyway trauma jump over, how have  you guys been? How have you guys been? Do you want to know about like the other s**t I've been doing  in my life that's not like depressing. Where's my phone?! Okay what have I been doing lately? I've been  in my gym era!

For the first time ever in my life, I have never gone to a gym before properly. I used  to go with my school a little bit. Trust me, I'm not doing- I'm not reinventing the wheel, I go on  treadmill for a bit and then I go on bike for a bit and then I'll leave. I'm not even doing any of the swizz machines because I don't even know how to f**king do them. I've only started it recently  because I've never been that much of an exerciser. Sounds really bad, doesn't it? But like, the only  exercise I

've really been getting for the past like good few years, like since I quit school- quit  quit school? I left school! The only exercise I've really been getting is like, walking and stuff.  I don't like go out of my way to exercise and I kind of wanted to change that. I just want  to be healthier like, I've lost all the weight but it's like, I'm still not entirely like healthy.  Like I haven't been doing my- are they macros or micros? Macros? You know what, I've got a f**king long  way to go wit

h this health and fitness journey, aren't I? But little by little, she's getting there.  It's like sustainable um increments to make a happy and healthy lifestyle, you know? Or something, I don't  know I'm literally just saying words at this point. Um but one thing I did find out at the gym, which  was really like kind of hard on my soul, right. So there's this machine that- it's not a machine!  Yes it is it's a machine Ellie, it's like a robot. Um you get on it- it's scales. It's scales! You  g

et on it and you like hold these things and it tells you like all your body composition, you  know? Your- your fat free mass, muscle percentage, other things and your weight and it also  tells you your basal metabolic rate. Which is the amount of calories that you uh, burn in  a day just like by existing, I believe? Uh so that's the amount of calories that you need  to eat to sustain yourself and maintain your weight. Mine I think is f**king low, it's 1,600! I told my boyfriend that and he nearl

y fell off his chair, he was like f**king hell that's  low. You need to like, up your muscle. No he didn't say that, who was it that said that?  Adam. Adam's like, well you know the way I get that up is to do- is to get more muscle and  I'm like I know! I'm trying to eat my protein. I had scrambled egg and salmon this morning, that was  f**king lovely! That was so good, I'm a proper Chef these days. My metal- metal bolic? My metabolic  rate has increased a little bit as I've been going to the gy

m because I've actually lost fat  and gained muscle. Oh! Changing my body composition! Um- So yeah, it went up by like 50 calories a  day. Great, how am I gonna spend that! But yeah, I think those are all my life updates for now. Um I  guess just in general, I'm very stressed. That's my emotional state at the moment. I'm rather stressed  like with work and stuff and I don't know why? And it- I do know why, it's very f**king busy  and there's a lot of deadlines. And I'm going on holiday next week

, which is fun! Woo, very excited! I'm taking my mommy away because she never gets to go on holidays. So um- she literally hasn't been  on a holiday, I want to say in like 10 years, nearly? Um so for Christmas last year, I got her  a holiday! Um, I like just wrote it in a card. I was like, I'm gonna book this holiday but  like you get to pick where you want to go. So we picked a hotel together and everything and we're  going away like next week. Super excited for that! Um, but that means that I'

ve really got to work  my ass off this week, to be able to get all the videos like pre-done. So then we can put them  out while I'm away, you know? I can't believe I've been podcasting for like- oh! Nearly 15 minutes  and I've only done my eyebrows! This is actually heinous. The word heinous doesn't get used enough,  I think. I think it's f**king funny. Especially on things that are just not that heinous. What  music have I been liking? I've really been enjoying Notes on a Conditional Form by th

e 1975.  Why are my kitchen appliances always making noises in these videos? One sec! Notes on a Conditional Form by  The 1975, one of their like kind of older album. Um but I didn't give it enough chance when it  first came out, I am now realising. I thought I had at the time, I thought I'd given it a listen  but maybe I just didn't appreciate it as much as I do now. But it's like I've like rediscovered  that album and I f**king love it all over again. I'm really in an Ice Spice era and I know

I said  that in the last podcast but that's because I was in an Ice Spice era just like, from adding a couple  of her songs to a playlist, last time. Whereas this time, I'm a full-on stan! I run to Ice Spice in the  gym every day. Well, every day that I'm in the gym, I don't go to the gym every day because I would  actually- I'm not going to say that but you kind of know what I would do, that doesn't sound like a fun day! That don't sound like a fun existence at all! Ice Spice is so good to list

en to in the gym though  because of the like, obviously the beat and the pace of the song helps because that's the exact  kind of like pace that I run at. But also, she's just f**king motivating! I love her! I love her so  much! I'm serious, I might just make like a Twitter account for her, become a Twitter stan for Ice  Spice. Oh my God, I finished You season four. I want to scrape this off, do you want some? Do you want  some foundation because I don't actually want that much. Yeah I finished

Sue- No? I finished You season four  last night and it was f**king incredible! I loved it so much! It was so good, that was such a good ending.  I'm not gonna give any spoilers, it was such a good END! He's up to his old- He's up to his old  shenanigans. Shenanigans, he's a f**king serial killer. But um- Anyway. Me and Adam actually went to  the screening of the first episode of part two of season four of You. Oh my god, literally the most  convoluted sentence I've ever said in my life. Me and A

dam went to the screening, anyway. Oh my  God and Pen Badges was there! Pendulum Badulum was there, talking! Oh my God it was genuinely one  of the sickest nights I think I've ever had doing anything like, you know like- Worky. Even though  that's hardly f**king work, it's a show that I am obsessed with! I would have paid to gone to that  to- I would have paid! But um- oh my God, it was amazing. Me and Adam like the whole next day, we  were working at mine and we just kept turning into each oth

er going last night was so good, wasn't it.  It was like me, Adam, Dakota Warren was there. Oh my God, the camera's gonna die! But we had a really  good night anyway and they had these cocktails that were in teacups because like- So... The camera died. Uh- I carried on doing my face though because I thought, why waste their time? So my cheeks might  be a bit pinker now! And that's about it, I really did not get a shift on and I really should. Anyway,  what was I talking about? I talked about mus

ic, I talked about You. So YouTube that I've been loving  lately, I need a brush! YouTube- YouTubers that I've been loving lately. Oh my God, I have a new favourite  YouTuber. Ahh... close enough, one of my new favourite YouTubers. He's called itsvitally, I think? And  he does like videos about like, 2000 scandals and like icons. Oh my God, such an interesting channel! I really really enjoyed his channel lately and he's Russian, so his accent is just- it's like you  don't get to hear a Russian a

ccent enough, I don't think. He's great! Who else have I liked? Oh I've  been watching- another it's person? It'sKeisha. Um she's been doing like pretty good coverage on  the whole um, Selena Gomez Hayley Bieber thing. Uh so that's where I've been getting like my  updates and stuff and I think she's really really entertaining. I mean I don't always like  agree with her points, uh that she says and stuff but like the same with everyone, I guess. Um she's  still like really entertaining and she la

ys out information really well, I think. And she's just- I  keep saying the word entertaining because she is! Like she has like- I feel like you could make five  people say the exact same entert- Say the exact same information but she would be the most entertaining  out of all of those five, you know what I mean? She's just interesting, she's cool. Who else have  I liked? I've liked, oh my God Wendigoons still! ILY so much. I love him! I've been watching  literally like all these videos, I watch

ed his um- You know, oh what's it called The Nine Layers  Of Hell? And he like uh, described all the different nine layers of what the f**k's going on in  each layer. By the way, ew! If you've watched that video, it's f**king traumatising seriously.  I've been watching Water Wave, right. This guy that I found recently from like Don't Hug Me  I'm Scared video essays or like tier lists or something. I can't remember what I found him from.  But yeah, I've just been watching like all his Don't Hug M

e I'm Scared content because I love  that show! And I want to still try and make it one of my personality traits, even though there's  really not that much of it to make a personality trait. Sorry, don't know why I decided to slay  today?! I woke up and I said SLAY! While I've got youse all here, my my board of directors for my life! Um I would like to ask if any of you have any suggestions for like light easy meals, that I can  make myself. Because I want to start cooking more- No I actually do

n't, that's why I said the word  easy because I don't want to cook! Anything that's just like easy to prepare. Okay for example, this  morning- So the way that I do like my diet at the moment is that I'm doing smaller meals more often.  I'm not that good at being a three meal a day person. I'm such a snacker, I'm such a grazer that  I've decided to just stop fighting it and almost kind of feed into it a little bit, LOL literally!  So instead of forcing myself to only have three meals a day and l

ike no snacks or like only one  snack, I have let myself have like five smaller meals a day. So for example, first thing this  morning after I went to the gym I came back and I made scrambled eggs and salmon. Yum! Yummo!  It was so good and then I had my bath, I did some work and then I'm in my second meal  of the day, which was a slice of wholemeal toast with peanut butter on and a chopped up banana. So  you know what I mean, I'm not exactly cooking am I? I'm just like preparing a couple of ing

redients,  shoving them together and going Bon Appetit! So... If there's anything like that that you can think  of, that you can go oh Ellie why don't you make that, uh let me know! Uh- what else- Oh! Did you hear me neck crack? If you didn't, then me neck cracked guys! I think I might go to a chiropractor. I don't know why though because I don't actually specifically have any pain that's just me being  like, just very interested. I just want someone to crack me. Like a glow stick, I just want t

o  be. You know what else I really want to do, I really want to go to a dermatologist and just  go, tell me about my skin you know what I mean? Like tell me what I need to be doing and using  on my skin because I don't know her very well. I don't! I've known her for 24 years now but I  still can't figure her out. I know that she's dry... And that's about all I know about my skin. Probably actually one of my favourite organs, if you had to tier list your organs, what would  you put at number one.

I feel like the heart is very f**king cool, to be fair. Yeah, my heart's  first and then my skin though because skin's kind of like an underdog. People sometimes forget  that that's an organ. What else are the organs? What was it talking about before f**king organs, you-  What was she- What were I talking about? F**k knows. Actual f**k knows. Someone show that ADHD lady my  podcasts and see what she says. Do you think- What do you guys think? Me wanting the professional  opinion of all the Elli

e Neal watches on YouTube. What do you guys reckon? You know what, I actually have had like  chronic anxiety all my life since I was like eight or nine. I used to have separation anxiety from  my mum which I- we didn't know at the time. I've only realised as I've gotten older, looked back  at my behaviour and gone, so f**king obvious that that kid was really struggling whenever she was  away from her mum yet no one, no one helped. I am a little bit bitter about that. That's one thing  about ther

apy is when you learn where a lot of your responses come from and where a lot of a lot  of just you comes from and you get a little bit of resentment about it. It's like damn... If you hadn't have like, said that to me or done that to me or if I hadn't been put in this position when I was  in school or whatever, then maybe I'd be mentally healthy right now. Maybe I wouldn't have a panic  attack every week. But no, I had to be bullied and now I cry all the time. I don't know! Because  I feel like

everyone's a little bit messed up in their own ways though, so if I hadn't have  been traumatised through bullying then maybe... I would have been traumatised through something  else! Oh but what I was saying was, I have I have really bad anxiety and I always have. Uh, when  I was like eight or nine I used to have panic attacks whenever I would go stay at my dad's  house and I had no idea why. Maybe if I'd have spoken to a therapist at a time- at the time, they  would have very much easily been

able to point out that like she's having these panic attacks  when she's staying at her dad's and no other time, like? That's probably the reason. Sorry, love  you Dad. It genuinely won't be Dad's fault, like it was just me and my separation anxiety from my mum. It wasn't like my dad were doing nout wrong. He was f**king sick to be fair. Anyway! This has been a  proper little therapy episode, hasn't it! But yeah, I've had anxiety all my life, literally for as long  as I can remember. So it does

seem like that could be why I think I have ADHD. Maybe that's just  what how it's like manifested over the years. Ow! You know when you hit your knee in that one  particular place and it like flies up, it just done it again then! You know what, life is actually  so entertaining at its very base level. I'll just sit here and whacked my knee a couple of times,  I'm giggling! It's f**king sick! I always you know what, one thing I really like about myself- We're  having a good a nice part of a ther

apy episode now. One thing I really like about myself is that  I'm able to make anything fun or at least I think I'm able to make anything fun. Like if we're  just like waiting in the car, I will come up with a game or I will ask you some kind of stupid  question like tier list your organs, you know what I mean? I'm always like- I don't know that's  just one of my favourite things about myself is that I don't let things get boring ever. I've  never been bored! You know what I am thinking about g

etting and not for aesthetic reasons,  Botox in my jaw. Because of my anxiety, I think I've told you guys about this in a previous  podcast episode, I subconsciously clench my jaw all the time. I literally catch myself doing  it at least 10 times a day and I have to like remind myself to unclench and then I have to  sit here and rub it for a bit, cos it'll ache. Like it's getting uncontrollable now. Um and there's a  treatment for it, if you get botox injected into these muscles, it like stops y

ou being able to  clench all the time and I do it in my sleep, I do it- Oh I do it all the f**king time and I'm  noticing it so much now! Now that my anxiety is getting like worse. Why is my anxiety getting  worse?! It's summer as well, there's going to be so many fun things happening and I'm gonna be crying  the whole time! Oh I'm really nervous to go to America next month. My boyfriend's doing a boxing  match. Why is my boyfriend a boxer? That's crazy! He's doing a boxing match over in uh- Flo

rida and  that's the first time I've ever been to America, so... God? But yeah when I go to Florida for that, that'll  be the first time I've ever been to America. I'm so scared! But I'm so excited to experience America,  that s**t looks like don't- It looks like it shouldn't be real, don't you think? If you're not  from America and you've never been there, does it look real? That s**t don't seem real to me,  I think they're making it up. I'm gonna be very excited just to like run around. Oh I'm

so- Oh my  God, one of the first things I do when I get there is finding a Target and I'm gonna go run around. Let me know of any other fun things I should be doing while I'm in Florida. Obviously we're gonna  try and do Disney and everything but it's a little bit hard because he is there for boxing, so  you can't like be out on like big long days and stuff. Maybe he can after the fight but we're  not staying for too long after the fight because again I'm anxious and I want to go home. Because

you know what I've realised recently, that  traveling is quite a big trigger for my anxiety and I have no f**king clue why? Can you sense a  pattern here with my anxiety, it's just all so- It's just all here and I'm like why?! Because I'm not a  bad flyer, I'm not scared of planes, I'm not scared of being in somewhere unfamiliar. Like there's  nothing in particular that I can say, yes that's what's worrying me but for some reason every  time I travel, every time I go away from home, I just start

like crying. It's like I'm homesick but  I'm not? It's like my body is having this physical response and sadness but my brain's like, wait why  are we sad? Can someone- can someone fill me in. Okay I feel like I'm almost done with my makeup and I'm  almost done chewing your ear off. Oh actually, one other thing that happened in the therapy session  which I found a little bit funny. Um, so as we were like trying to get to the root of why I'm so  anxious, he was like I keep coming back to your jo

b. Obviously your job is very unique and very heavy  and there's very few other people like in- in the world or even in the True Crime industry, that kind  of take it all onto themselves at such a rapid rate. You know like going through, like learning  everything about four cases a month, four murders if not more than that, you know. Say the serial  killers sometimes there's like, 10 plus murders that I'm reading about and studying and sometimes  even looking at crime scene pictures of and he wa

s like, for any normal human being that would be  traumatising. I understand that you've done it a while, he was like is that do you think this could  be a root of your anxiety and I says no. I said girl you don't know me! For some reason, True Crime  probably because of my job and probably because of like years of acclimatising to it, I guess. True  Crime is one of the only things that does not freak me out. Ever! Ever! I mean I suppose if I was  faced with it in real life, yeah I'd s**t my pan

ts and probably die. Camera's gonna die again. Bye guys,  love you! Subscribe and I'll see you next episode! Good ending.