"Unapologetic" - Jesse Peyton Standup Comedy at The Riot Comedy Club

[Applause] you guys ready to turn up yes uh I'm  actually 43 years old in white I have no idea what turnup even means when I was a kid turnup  was a [ __ ] vegetable I'm so confused it's been good man I've been torn all over the country  this year things are taking off but y'all I'm from right here in Houston Texas it feels good  to be home y'all yes I love it I love being from Houston getting to travel and do comedy because  no matter where you go in this country when you tell people you're fro

m Houston it comes with an  extra measure of respect but y'all I'm a comedian I got a big ego I like to exaggerate so when  I'm on the road and people ask me they're like hey Jesse where you from I tell everyone I said uh  man I grew up on the Mean Streets of West Houston baby see I can't do that for y'all y'all  look up here like uh [ __ ] you're from Katie calm down that [ __ ] Works  in La I'll be in Compton like I'm not worried about Compton where I'm  from it's Grand Park Way for Life yeah

see y'all laugh cuz y'all know that's a [ __ ]  Tollway and you get zero street cred when it cost $13 to get home every night you are not  from the hood I love it man 10 years of doing comedy 10 years man I work hard doing this yeah  I want to be famous one day yeah I do I want to [ __ ] don't sound that bad does it except I  found out two weeks ago I'm not that famous yet y'all laugh but now I'm technically a  registered sex offender thank you all right relax I feel like a lot of y'all pull bac

k  chill out that's a joke okay it is a joke cuz I did not register [ __ ] that I just can't  go back back to Miami whatever Catch Me If You Can't Dade County I don't care things are good  man my my divorce was just finalized yeah hell yeah there's all the sad people hi hi I'm one  of you now yeah married people stay married y'all don't want to be single in this world it's  [ __ ] up out there the whole world's different now yeah women talk during sex now did y'all  know this yeah look how confu

sed everybody is I wasn't I wasn't prepared for that either when  I was married there was no talk during sex my wife would never let me speak when we had sex uh  cuz anytime I would talk she'd have to open her eyes and remember it was me look at all the  ladies yeah [ __ ] y'all and apparently no matter what I would say during sex I'd  always ruin it for me her and chanting Tatum fellas if your wife's laughing  real hard at that you've been Magic Mike too [ __ ] yeah now you know and  the things

women say during sex guys it'll blow your mind I was with a girl  about a month ago she literally said this to me while we were having six she  looked back ma'am don't look at me in the face sweetheart we're way too close to  make eye contact for this y'all didn't see it but her whole mouth  was open she's like what she saying I'm going to look this way man'  if you look at me I'm going to kick you in the head don't you I was with the  girl a month ago she literally said this to me while we wer

e having sex she  looks back and goes oh yeah Jesse now go deeper guys don't you hate when  a girl says deeper during sex and you look down and realize you're fresh out of dick like that's all of it yo when she said  deeper it made me feel like the whole time I've been having sex maybe I've been doing  it incorrectly cuz I don't know how you other dudes are out there put put it down but ladies  when I have sex with you uh I give it all to you immediately that's it there's  no deeper I tried to g

o deeper I started squeezing my butt cheeks together hard you know like when you're trying to  get that last little bit out of an empty toothpaste I feel like you're judging me V right  here yeah you that's big dick energy right there I already know yeah I know you got a big dick cuz  when I said deeper every guy laughed except you [ __ ] he didn't even get the joke he he's over  there like why all these white people laughing I don't understand every time my girl says go  deeper I just go deeper

with this extra triso that you got [ __ ] what's your name big dick  big dick Mike he said that quick Mike he looked around the room make sure all you white [ __ ]  heard that Mike y'all hear that Mike let me ask you a question when you have sex do you just use  like 60% of your penis no more [ __ ] you Mike [ __ ] you anyways if you guys are having  a good time I want to remind you I am from Houston uh so you can catch me uh I'm home every  Sunday I open up at a Lakewood Church for Joel ostein

I don't know what y' laughing  for I teach couples Ministry I do it uh and I hide cash in the walls  those are my jobs that's what I always like to give a little something back  this is for the ladies I see a lot of couples here ladies if your husband or your boyfriend  that you're in a serious relationship with if he has abs like a six-pack he's cheating on  you 100% of the time ladies there's not a dude on this planet doing crunches and situps  and eating kale salad for one girl the rest look

how happy she is look how happy she is  she rubbed his stomach like it ain't cute but it's mine that's what faithfulness looks  like like right there hell yeah sixpacks are for single guys and cheaters but sir you got a  Fidelity belly that's what you [Applause] have how long y'all been married look he had  to look at her too [ __ ] long he don't know before I was married before I was married  I used to have abs I had a six-pack and I would get that V right here ladies you know that V that  guy

s get I was real proud of that but then I got married like most married guys I gained 40 lbs  and during the quarantine I was the heaviest I'd ever been and I had an epiphany one day when  I got out of the shower cuz I looked over in the mirror and I was completely nude and at  the time y'all I had this big round belly and this tiny little penis I looked in the mirror I  was like damn I used to have a v now I've got a q look at Mike he's like I got a lowercase CU [ __ ] you Mike I I'm dating aga

in man I uh recently went on  a date with an Asian girl yeah while we were at dinner I asked her I was like hey what do  you do for a living and she looked at me and said I'm a pirate I was like you're a pirate like  you rob ships she goes no I'm a pirate like I fry airplanes don't groan for that what don't grown she lied to me bro she  wasn't even a pirate she was really just a fright attendant so she lied feel  bad for her it's all right though I still talk to that girl so guess who flies  fre

e on American Air rid yeah this guy it's weird being 43 in dating it  is I met a girl on Bumble we went on a date and uh she had a lisp and there's  no lisp in text message so I had no idea when we sat down at dinner she's like  you're going to have a good night uh tonight I'm going to [ __ ] your dick I's  like no you're not I like you can't keep your teeth off your tongue you ain't  touching my dick don't you dare she goes you don't want some [ __ ] I'm like  not anymore not anymore you put it

like that I'm learning about things uh at 43 I'm not  supposed to learn about either like birth control I'm learning about it's weird cuz I was with  a girl a few months ago and uh while we were having sex I felt something like inside of her  like physically inside her vagina and I'm not Mike so I didn't get to the important [ __ ]  so I wasn't so I asked her I was like hey is there something inside of you and with a very  straight face she goes yeah it's just my IUD you guys know what this is

an IUD yeah I didn't  know what it was but I did know what an IED was which is something completely different and  now I'm all kinds of confused for those of you who don't know an IED is an improvised  explosive device like a landmine they bury in the desert at War and that's what I thought  she had inside of her so I'm all kinds of I'm like oh why would you get that inside of you  very straight face she goes I did it for birth control I was like this [ __ ] is committed to  not having a baby bu

t I was confused I was like why would you pick that she goes Jesse I did it  for you this way you don't have to pull out I was like sweetheart I just touched it okay I think  it's activated now I am scared to death to pull out it did make sense cuz that girl had  some bombass [Applause] [ __ ] all right I'm done [ __ ] that scary times man man  that's scary times I've been seeing this girl and we've been having unprotected  sex cuz I like to party and um but the other day she text me and she was

like Hey  Jesse we need to have a talk I missed my period yeah so I text her back I was  like cool meet me at the top of some stairs relax it's not what you think cuz  right after that I took her to the doctor and she wasn't pregnant it was just a  broken arm and a black eye and praise God like good church every Sunday you  come things are going good for me man I got signed to do 100 cities a year for the  next three years I lost 35 pounds since I've been divorced my my career is taking off man

  things are going really well thank you guys I appreciate that yeah I uh I know things are  going well cuz I've been getting hit on by gay dudes a lot and that's how you know yeah  I remember the first time I ever got hit on by a gay dude this a true story allall 200 3  almost a decade ago and I remember the exact quote to this day I was at the gym working out  all by myself complete stranger walks right up to me look me dead in the face y'all verbatim  this is what he says to me excuse me you'

ve got soft blue eyes like a nice Christian boy but  a hard tatted body like a rough Penitentiary man yeah I didn't know how I felt about  it okay this was the first time this had ever happened to me in my mind I'm  angry in my mind I'm thinking oh you [ __ ] but it did not come out like  that it came out just like this no I don't yo this dude changed my whole day right  when he walked up I was doing [ __ ] press when he left I was in the corner confused  doing Keel like this just feels natural

now I got a lot of gay friends now and I've learned  some things not technique um I had a lot of misinformation on homosexuality growing up in  a white trash family uh like as a kid I used to believe everybody was born straight and something  happens to you and you become gay like as a kid I used to live in fear that I could catch gay  which is silly my gay friend said you can't catch gay Jesse it's biological we were born  gay if you were gay you would know it and I was relieved cuz if being ga

y is biological and I  know for a fact I wasn't born gay biologically I couldn't even be gay and I know that because  I can barely brush my back teeth without gagging like I don't know where  heterosexuality begins but before that like biologically I can't stand for bristles  to touch my tongue pretty sure I'm not supposed to have a dick back there okay look I feel like  a lot of guys in here just figured out they not not gay right now you're looking at your girl  like babe every morning that's

straight as hell except Mike Mike I know why you're laughing  cuz you love that sound don't you yeah [ __ ] you Mike Mike you love that sound when  you get head don't you he say yeah yeah look how quick yeah yeah every  guy loves that sound when we get head don't we guys don't we guys what  a weird noise to be turned on by huh that is the most vile sound  in the world but every guy in here loves that sound when he gets  it ladies next time you make that sound look up you're going to see  our fac

e it's the same thing every time the same sound we make when we smell rotten milk it's the same sound that turns us on when we  get head and you ladies you know we like it too cuz you fake it you miserable [ __ ] yes all of  you cuz I don't deserve the same sound Mike gets I don't deserve that I had a girl fake it for me one  time she went down on me she was I was like relax Britney it's barely pasted your teeth okay you're  fine but she faked it cuz she knew I liked it but here's why you're wro

ng for that ladies cuz when  you do that you fill our head with misinformation and now I'm 43 years old single in these  streets dating trying and [ __ ] and it makes for awkward times cuz I found out recently uh  it's only guys who like that sound when they get head I was trying to be nice I tried to  fake it for Britney I went out on her I was like she was not turned on at all Houston  Texas I'm Jesse pay thank you guys so nice man