Ohh, there's spinach on the pizza... actually I wanted a... ...burger. Then tell the waiter. It's the wrong order Ahh no, he's working so hard... It's ok! Pizza is cool too... Guys, that's no lie, unfortunately that's how it often happens for me. In such moments, I am afraid of hurting the other person's feelings and do not want to create a possible conflict. This is also known as people pleasing. In this case, to please someone means to please or satisfy someone. And that comes very close to wh
at a people pleaser actually is: a person who always wants to please others and, for example, apologizes far too often. And it's not just me, because on TikTok, for example, a large community of self-proclaimed people pleasers has found itself and you too have wanted the topic. And that's why today we want to look at what exactly a people pleaser actually is and which people are more inclined to want to please everyone, but also why some of us maybe apologize a little too much and how we can lea
rn to stop doing it. There are numerous articles and videos out there that aim to show you how to stop being a people pleaser. Stars who refer to themselves as people pleasers. TikTok is full of videos designed to show you what the biggest signs are that you're a people pleaser. Some declare the People Pleaser Season over and others write songs about it. So it really seems to be an issue. And that's why we want to take a look at what exactly a people pleaser actually is. First of all, I wanted t
o find out what a people pleaser would be called in German. And then - as is of course part of in-depth investigative research - I entered it into Google Translate. And that hurt a bit at first. But the closest thing to that would be the German term “Jasager”, because the whole thing goes much deeper than just sucking it up. Well, and the English term is the best, because it picks up on this “people please”. People pleasers are very concerned with how they have to be for others and often align t
heir feelings and behavior with other people. They adapt to others, avoid conflict and often put their own needs second. Would you include yourself? Feel free to write it in the comments! And by the way, you can see all the sources we used in this video in the info box. Above all, the difficulty of saying no plays a major role here. You can imagine it a bit like in the fairy tale film "Ella - verflixt und enchantig". The main character Ella lives here in a fairytale land and as a child gets the
“gift” of obedience from a fairy. As a result, she cannot help but always do what she is told. That's kind of how people pleasers can feel when they're asked to do something they do n't really want to do, but then do because the thought of someone getting mad at them is unbearable and they want to avoid conflict . In psychology there is no separate diagnosis for it and accordingly no clinical definition. The term People Pleasing describes various behavior patterns. However, the tendency to peopl
e please may be related to dependent personality disorder. As the name suggests, with this disorder you are very dependent on other people and have great difficulty making even small decisions in everyday life, tend to subordinate yourself to others and feel helpless when it comes to taking care of yourself take care of. However, a personality disorder does not have to be directly responsible for people pleasing. According to psychologist Dr. Bärbel Wardetzki, for example, tends towards people p
leasing if one has low self-esteem. But a very pronounced need for harmony can also ensure this: A major goal of people pleasers is to create a harmonious environment. And that's why it's better to give in quickly than to get into an argument to "keep the peace" . People on TikTok take this to the extreme and show in sketches how people pleaser themselves with a fatal medical error or when they are kidnapped would still say: oh... oh... How do you do that again? Oh... Now I've forgotten this mov
ement. Oh, that's fine, it can happen! And even if that is of course exaggerated, it reminds me of many situations in my life in which I said "oh well, it's ok", EVEN THAT IT WAS NOT. And then at home: identity crisis. With people pleasers That's why many people connect the nicest and nicest people, as you can see here in the thriller Red Eye, for example, where the main character Lisa makes a nice gesture to a strange woman and therefore calls herself a people pleaser: But behind it, for exampl
e, there can be a great fear stuck with rejection and wanting approval – pleasing others.In an article in the Washington Post, author Natalie Lue is quoted and she describes it this way: People pleasing is when we suppress our own needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions and repress in order to put others above ourselves in order to get attention, affection, validation, approval and love, or we do it to avoid conflict, criticism, extra stress, disappointment, loss, rejection and... ab
andonment And this can also include adapting oneself and one's opinions to those of others. Psychotherapist Amy Morin describes, for example, that people pleasers are very happy to agree with others, even if they themselves disagree. This is what it might look like when they try to make friends. According to psychotherapist Akua K. Boateng, building authentic and healthy relationships is so very difficult. Because that way you don't get a chance to really get to know the person as they are. Acco
rding to Boateng, however, people pleasers are so fixated on their counterpart that they lose themselves in the process. Because then you no longer know what you really want and what your needs are. Of course, this has its roots in childhood again. The inner child says hello. For example, when children are emotionally neglected, according to psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera develops her own self-image in order to maintain the relationship with her parents. And this is how people pleasing comes abo
ut: Because this is how the child maintains its self through the validation and affirmation of others. But people pleasing can also arise when children feel that there is no love and attention unless they take care of their parents' well-being. So when love is conditional. But even if you downplay their feelings, constantly contradict them and often get angry with them, it is possible that the children later become people pleasers. The engineer and comedian Salma Hindy even talks about it in a T
ED Talk and explains how she was also influenced by strict parents on this topic: Therapist Kate Engler explains that all codependent people are people pleasers, but not all people Pleaser codependent. In both cases, there is a desire to help and trouble setting boundaries, but co-dependence, Engler says, is more extreme because the person on the other side is also dependent. So no one can do without the other. Another reason why one becomes a people pleaser can be the culture and socialization:
For example, if one learns from an early age that selflessness is a virtue and is shown that. And the way you're raised and brought up can also influence the way you apologize. Apologizing too much doesn't automatically make you a people pleaser...but a people pleaser is very often someone who apologizes TOO often. When we apologize for everyone and everything, the single apology is no longer worth very much. This can also be a sign of fear of loss. You definitely don't want to disappoint. And
then you don't apologize, especially because you think that the other people would expect it from you. It's because you REALLY feel like you've done something wrong. OH GOD SORRY SORRY SORRY OH GOD I DIDN'T SEE THE MESSAGE Here, in hindsight, you might be wondering if you really need to feel that guilty about reading a book. You don't have to apologize for EVERYTHING. Not even for when you have to sneeze during a meeting. Or for it to rain. Now I'm really mad at you for that! Is okay! Or as it s
ays in the star: THE COURTESY TERROR MUST FINALLY STOP! But if you end up apologizing too often, it can also be a sign of low self-esteem. And the problem with this is that apologizing all the time often weakens it even more because you're constantly making yourself feel like you're doing something wrong. And what does "sorry" even mean nowadays? Quite often it is the case that you use it more like a reflex. A phrase. That “Excuse me, can I ask you a question?” - can also be simply replaced with
"May I ask you a question?" - without sorry. I mean - what are you apologizing for? For the question...that you haven't asked yet? Or for the time you take with your question? Or for having a question? Such unnecessary apologies make us smaller than we are. At least that's what sociologist Maja Jovanovic says, who also described the "Sorry" phenomenon in a Tedx talk . People pleasers in particular often apologize out of habit. Something like "It's better to apologize too much than too little" i
s often a thought. Fear of rejection and inferiority complexes are also big issues when apologizing TOO often. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't be any less considerate or rude when running around...it's one of the most beautiful qualities to be able to apologize sincerely and with humility. But when is it actually right and important to apologize? Most of us know that when you've made a mistake and harmed or hurt others, it makes sense to apologize. But sometimes that's not so easy After a bl
atant misstep, just saying "Sorry" usually doesn't help If you are serious about the apology, it is recommended in psychology that, in addition to uttering the apology in person, you explain what exactly comes of the own perspective has gone wrong and accepts full responsibility for it. So don't justify or make excuses. And don't make any promises that cannot be kept. Sentences like: “I wish I had thought about your feelings too. I would gladly undo it if I could” - can make the other feel under
stood. Words like "but" don't really belong in an apology. Remorse is extremely important in something like this - and also the sincere offer to repair the damage. And finally, after all the words and deeds, one can ask for forgiveness. A sincere apology requires maturity. Like a good ripe...avocado. According to experts, whether the error is then forgiven also depends somewhat on whether the error was made knowingly or unintentionally. But you still have the hope that you will be excused....exc
used. Do you understand? That's why you can't, strictly speaking, excuse yourself...pheeeew! By the way, I've had a Justin Bieber catchy tune the whole time. IS IT TOO LATE NOW TO SAY SORRY? Having to apologize can be super awkward and downright painful . Above all, it is often associated with the fear of being excluded. This leads to increased cholesterol levels and more stress hormones. When I've made a mistake, I also notice that it can take some effort for me to admit it at first . And somet
imes I'm afraid that my apology won't be accepted. But apologies are very important to me personally, because if I 've hurt the other person's feelings , then by apologizing I want to show them that I respect them and that their feelings are important to me. And that wasn't the intention. How do you deal with such situations? Write it to us in the commis! And a dishonest apology, i.e. a “nonpology” is out of place there. So something like: I'm sorry if YOU see it that way and YOU think I did som
ething wrong. lol Thanks for nothing. The fact that it is sometimes so difficult to say a sincere apology is also due to the fact that confronting one's own mistakes is often associated with shame, feelings of guilt and personal disappointment. *Elton John* Sorry seems to be the hardest word... You no longer see your own “ideal image” of yourself as such – because the behavior no longer fits with your self-worth. But apologizing is worth it. This is how you show your counterpart that you have di
sregarded certain rules and you know that the offending behavior was not okay. And above all, that you take responsibility for your own mistakes. According to author Elizabeth Scott, apologizing also restores the dignity of those you have offended and restores trust in one another. Many women don't find it difficult to say the word "sorry" - because... after all, you've usually been taught from a young age that it 's the right thing to do. Here one speaks of the Good Girl Syndrome, which can alr
eady be shaped in women, especially in their upbringing . So the need to please everyone and to be completely selfless and almost sacrifice yourself to others. Even if you're not sure if you're right or not, well, there 's no harm in apologizing. At least that's what a lot of women think. Studies have shown that women apologize more often than men. And there are a variety of theories. Some say that, compared to women, men simply perceive fewer situations in which they think they have to apologiz
e. But when men think they've done something wrong, they just as often apologize . However, they tend to think fewer situations are excusable. But women are said to be more in need of harmony in general and want to make peace more quickly ... and therefore also see more situations in which an apology would be appropriate. Another theory is that women actually want to be liked when they apologize . So something like: "Sorry to bother you, but...", Or: "Sorry to ask you again, but..." PLEASE DON'T
BE MAD AND LOVE ME! That's why there was a trend last year at TikTok, for example, that women plan to write e-mails "like men" and simply omit a lot of polite phrases, etc. And yes, as is so often the case, one cannot generalize because of individual studies : Uhhhh men apologize much less often!! There are also men who often ask for forgiveness and women who just don't do that. But women tend to feel more pressured by society than men. It starts in childhood - and actually never stops....Girls
are often told to be quiet, to orientate themselves towards others and not to stand up for their own desires but to adapt - which leads to them doing this in adult life too (if that changes should have imprinted. This allows them to become "yes-men". And this is how they were conditioned before: If you look at guidebooks for housewives from the 1950s, you often see sentences like: You probably have a lot of things to tell your husband, but when he comes home, it's not the right moment. Let him
talk first - his issues are more important than yours. Normal It's no secret that as a people pleaser you often get a lot too little when it comes to your wishes, needs and opinions . If the inner voice sounds like this: "Will the other person be mad now?" or something like “What's wrong with me?” or something like “You will think that I am exhausting”, this can be very distressing. People pleasers often have a very strong inner critic and accordingly the level of suffering can be high if you ca
nnot separate your own well-being from that of others. Apart from that, it's not uncommon for people pleasers to only fantasize about what could go down well and not openly share their wishes. So things that are meant very well may not go down so well. Not to mention that if you have trouble saying no or quickly adapting to other people's opinions, other people can also take advantage of this at worst . That's why it's important to understand that people pleasers aren't just the nicest people in
the world who you can always ask for a favor, but that they are very likely to struggle with themselves a lot and that fear is often behind them. So it's all the more important to get your chest out now, you know, and stand up for yourself. And a fairly simple way to do this, which I've read from several experts, is to take your time. So if you're asked for help or your own opinion, don't answer immediately, but say that you still have to think about it. This way you avoid the reflexive yes or
adjustment, you can first sort your own feelings and thoughts about it and you don't get into the struggle of having to say no immediately. It can also help to work out certain formulations for saying no or contradicting in advance and to practice them in front of the mirror. "No, I don't want it that way" or "Unfortunately I can't take on this task right now" Or you set fixed times in the week in advance when you 're not available for others. And if that's still too extreme for you, you can sta
rt by setting time limits for something that you've said yes to. For example: Yes, I will help you babysit, but I can only do this on Tuesdays between 3pm and 5pm. Or create a list of needs: really sit down and write down what your own needs and desires are. This can be a bit difficult at the beginning, especially for People Pleaser, so it can help to think of a specific event - for example: What does the perfect Christmas party look like for me? And then you can start expressing a small wish in
everyday life to your partner, a family member, friends, etc. every day. Even small things like 10 minutes of rest to read a book. For those people who tend to apologize a little too often, replacing the word "sorry" with the word "thank you" can help. For example, if you're going to be late, instead of saying "Sorry I'm late," instead say, "Thank you for waiting for me." And that is just one of many examples. In fact, I quote, "Apologizing when we've done something wrong is a real strength, bu
t compulsively apologizing is a weakness at work and in personal relationships." In the future, I'll only apologize if I accidentally step on Beyoncé's toes backstage or a friend's car catches fire when I'm near it! But it's so beautiful! But then I would also apologize if it started to burn! Here I'm talking about oversharing - that is, when you reveal too much about yourself and in this Video is about the inner child. Thanks for tuning in folks, hope to see you back next time . Don't forget th
e bell and subscribe button. love goes out! Good evening and good night xoxo
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