Yes, yes, I'm just so happy to be here. I flew a long way. We came all the way from Rialto, California, which is about 50 miles East of Los Angeles. So we flew a long way to be here, and I'm just excited. So thank you all so much for being here and getting ready to enjoy some amazing comedy. I just love y'all energy already. I'm looking around the audience, and usually it's not that many good-looking people in the audience. No, can I be honest? It's not that many good-looking people in a comedy
crowd, but I looked around-- I wanted to say this before. I had to look first, but y'all look good. I'm looking at all the women. Every woman, y'all look amazing. You really do. If you didn't-- I'll tell you. I will tell you. (audience cheering) It's a blessing. That's beautiful to be looking good like that. That's awesome. Everybody ain't able. Everybody ain't able because some of the comedy shows you go to, you look at the crowd, and you're like, (audience laughing) It's like this my job. It's
easy for you to work at a job and somebody's not cute at the job. You still do your job. If you're a jack or somebody, they just like, mm. (audience laughing) But if you're a comedian, and you tell a joke, they're like. You go, ooh. (audience laughing) Oh, man, a little bit about myself, a little bit about myself, I grew up with a saved mom, a Christian mom. She was-- loved God, 24/7 loved God, but she had scary prayers. Let me tell you something. You didn't want to do nothing wrong with my mom
prayers, OK? Normal prayers in a really religious home is nice prayers. God, I want you to watch over my children as they go to school. Protect them and guide them. Nice, simple prayers, not my mom, she has prayers that'll scare you right. Never forget, I was 18, right? Thought I was grown because I'm paying for my own room now, you understand? Oh, y'all boujee. I'm the only that have to pay my own room, is that what y'all saying? I'm the only one that have to pay rent? Well, let me tell you th
e truth. My mom was charging me for rent in my house, right? We on Section 8, government housing, rent ain't but $144. Why are you charging me $13,000? (audience laughing) This is really ridiculous. It was a new hustle. It's a whole new hustle. Anyway, I get ready to out, and my friend says, "Cizzle, all you "do is go to church. "That's all you do. "Why don't you go "to the club one time? "All you do is go to church. "Let's go to a club." I'm like, bet, let's go get it. I done paid for my room.
I done paid for my room. I buy my own cereal now. (audience laughing) Oh, forget y'all. I don't know what y'all know, but my mom used to have the good cereal. She hid the good cereal in the room. She had Rice Krispies. Her cereal used to snap, crackle, and pop. I had Crispy Rice. (audience laughing) Oh, you know about it? Some of y'all know about the Crispy Rice. The cereal don't snap, crackle, and pop. It just fizz. That's all it do. (audience laughing) So I was excited, right? I'm excited. Lik
e, OK, I'm about to go to the club. My friend said, "come on, Cizzle. "Let's go to the club. "All you do is go to church." I'm like, bet, let's go get it. We get to the club. I'm ready. Let's go. Uh, uh, watch out. (audience laughing) Uh, uh, look at me. Look at me. Look at me. (audience laughing) I'm feeling it. It's my first time. I'm excited, right? So I'm excited in the club, y'all. I'm excited. I'm like, yeah, I'm getting it, right? After the club was over, I call myself sneaking in. Now, f
or those of you who don't know me, it's new. Some of y'all-- first time seeing me. I grew up in a predominantly Black family. (audience laughing) What's up? (audience laughing) And let me say this. I told you my mom had some scary prayers, right? You not gonna sneak in no Black mama house 2 o'clock in the morning talking about, you just out. It's just not going to happen. I'm telling you. Matter of fact, you could be Black, white, Asian, other, whatever you are. If you was born in 1980 and beyon
d 19-- you, same rules. You ain't gonna come in and out of our house, in and out whatever time you want to. I don't care what happened. I called myself sneaking in. You notice every time you sneak in your house everything's loud? Everything you do is loud when you're trying to sneak in. I got one key on my ring, y'all. I ain't making this up. I open up the door. Please tell me why the door sound like a Black preacher. I open the door. It said, (vocalizing) (audience laughing) Really though? Real
ly? (audience cheering) I'm walking in, right, trying to be quiet because I don't want to wake up my mama because if you wake up mama, she'll bust you in your head, all right? That's what she believes. I'll bust you in your head. I don't know what she grabbing. I'll bust you in your head. (audience laughing) I ain't making this up. Let's say, well, I'm creeping, right, trying to be quiet. Eet, eet, eet-- we got stale carpet? What kind of carpet is this? Why is the carpet squeaking? What kind of
carpet is this? (audience laughing) So my mom hears me, and says, "Cizzle, is that you?" I say, yes, ma'am. She said, "all right, I'm just going "to pray for you." I told you. Mama prayers are scary. She opened up the door because she want everybody in the house to hear her prayer, right? She goes, (door opening) (audience laughing) "Lord Jesus, save my child. "Lord, why he on that dance floor "dancing for the devil "when he should be dancing for you, "God? "I want you to break his ankle, "break
his knee, God. "Choke him with the spirit, God. "Give him asthma. "Let him wheeze for you, God. "Let him wheeze for you, Father. "Take his breath and hold it, hold it, "hold it, hold it, and give it "right back, oh, Lord." (audience laughing) But here's the thing though. Television is telling people a lot of stuff, right? Now, this is what I found out. There's a show on TV. It's called Snapped. It was hitting at HBO for a long time. And I told every brother, I said, listen, I ain't got nothing
against television, but when it comes to crazy stuff like this, I got something to say. The television show Snapped, for those that don't know-- because you're kind of quiet. Like, Cizzle, I don't know. I'll tell you. Every episode, family, every single episode, the wife kills her husband. Oh, I ain't making this up. You can Google this. Every episode is a successful killing. Every episode they die. The husband die every single episode. (audience laughing) There's not one episode he don't die. (
audience laughing) He die every episode a different way. I didn't even know there was that many ways to kill a husband. So I tell men all the time-- I'm traveling all over the world giving this speech because y'all might not know. I tell men every time, listen to me, brothers. If you're over there eating potato chips and your chips start tasting like bleach, she saw episode 187, Killing with Bleach. You better stop. (audience laughing) Don't eat them chips. I know you can't eat just one, but you
better stop. (audience laughing) Man, my family and I, we had a chance, an opportunity, to do the show Family Feud. Y'all know about Family Feud? (audience cheering) Y'all got Family Feud out here? OK, cool. Now, this is before John O'Reilly-- I mean, this was before Steve Harvey took over. John O'Reilly was the host, right? So they tell us backstage, they say, "family, no matter the answer, "you have to be excited. "No matter how dumb the people are "with you that you brought with you "in your
family, you still "got to say, good answer." That's what you got to say, right? All right, so we backstage, and I'm getting excited. They say, get excited. I'm getting excited. Boom, I'm getting excited. Boom, I'm getting excited. Boom, get excited. Don't judge me. This is my excitement. Shut up. Boom, get excited. Boom, get excited. I'm feeling excited backstage. We go out there. The first question-- family, I'm not going to lie to you because you can Google it and find out. The first question
I ask-- I mean, the first question he asked, he says, "if you're stranded on an Island "and you find a coconut, "what could you use it for?" Family, you ever have in life where your mind and your mouth don't match? (audience laughing) Has that ever happened to you? Or is it just me? Keep it 100. I'm sitting up here. The first answer-- I ain't going to make it up-- I was excited. I wanted to say food because it makes sense. Food, you could eat the coconut. That's an excellent answer that was in
my spirit. (audience laughing) But that didn't come out my mouth. The answer that came out of my mouth on national TV in front of thousands of people was "coconut meat." (audience laughing) My mom lost it. She saw $20,000 leaving. "Coconut meat? "Why would you say coconut meat "on national TV and lose me $20,000?" They're like, what is she grabbing? I don't know. She get mad, and she grab stuff. "Why would you say that?" The producers come back. Ma'am, calm down. We got to run to commercial. She
said, "run another commercial. "I got to talk to about child "over here talking "about coconut meat. "Only thing he knows is cocoa butter. "And look at his lips. "He didn't even put no cocoa butter "on his lips. "About to crack and bleed sitting up "here talking about coconut meat. "Shut up. Why would he say that?" (audience laughing) So my mom is hot at me, and she mad. So I felt bad. Family, I'm like, dang, it's my fault. I lost the game, you understand? Well, actually, we won the game, but w
e lost the bonus round. So they still gave us $5 per point, which came up to $285.73 after taxes. (audience laughing) So I say I'm going to take my $285.73, and I'm going to take the whole family to Denny's because Denny's be having breakfast sales, OK? So we get to Denny's, all right? Denny's is having a breakfast sale. I tell everybody, I say, listen, you can order whatever you want. I ain't going to say nothing. If you want bacon, bacon, bacon, and your right side stop working tomorrow, that'
s your business. You can get whatever you want. I don't care. I don't care. Get whatever you want, right? So now, my turn comes around. I say, let me get the All-American Slam. I like cheese on my eggs. That's how I like it. And let me get your home fries because I don't trust Denny's hash browns. I don't know what they do to them. (audience laughing) I love the home fries. The hash browns, keep them. Home fries, I'll take those. And then, I told the waitress, give me an orange juice. She said,
"OK, great. "Now, with this order, "you know you get two types of meat. "What kind of meat would you like?" My mom jumps up, saying, give him coconut meat! He said it on national TV. Lost me $20,000. (audience laughing) She ain't going to let it go. She ain't going to-- oh, man. Hey, and while we clapping, I need y'all to please clap it up for my lovely wife. I need y'all to make some noise for her. (audience applauding) Yes, yes, yes, yes! (audience cheering) Man, when you got a good wife, you-
- yes. I hear a lot of comedians say a lot of bad stuff about wives and stuff on stage because they didn't get a good one. I'm telling them. Every brother that has a bad wife, it's your fault. Yeah, you the one who found her. He that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor. If you found something messed up, that's your fault. (audience laughing) Sitting up here getting mad-- that why I don't go to everybody churches either. I don't go to everybody church because if you got a ugly pasto
r with a ugly first lady, I'm not coming. (audience laughing) I don't care what you believe. It's hard to worship anything with a ugly first lady. (audience laughing) I'm keeping it 100. But I love my wife. I love her. See, the thing is this. I found out that love is like what they tell us. Love is patient. So if you're married, and you want your marriage to work, you've got to be patient with your wife. Women got a lot of stuff they got to do. If you want a women to look good, you've got to let
them take their time. Women go through a lot in that bathroom. I don't know if you been in there. It's a lot that go on there. They got duct tape, zippers, glue, that that waist trainer, (audience laughing) Body Magic, eyebrows, eyelashes, eye-- it's a lot of stuff they have to do, pluck, pool, stab, shoot. It's a lot of stuff. (audience laughing) So all I'm saying is make sure you give your woman patience. Brothers, if you're late to a function, it's your fault. My wife, I told her. She said,
"baby, what time "is the show tonight?" I told her, it's at 2:30. (audience laughing) 2:30, guess what? She's ready at 6:45. Come on, somebody. (audience cheering) Huh? (audience clapping) You better be smart. Men, stop being stupid. We got to be smarter than that, men. I'm telling you. We got to be smarter that that. It says, love is patient. Love is kind. We know about in marriage. If you want your marriage work, you got to be kind. You can't be mean to each other. Why are you breathing? (audi
ence laughing) You got to be kind. Now, here's one-- I read this. It said that love doesn't keep score of the wrong. So if you want your marriage to work, you can't keep cool-- you can't-- excuse me. You can't keep score of the wrong. That means ladies, I think that was to you first. (audience laughing) I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I ain't the best in the books, but I believe that one was for the ladies. (audience laughing) So ladies, that mean you can't say stuff like, "you always do this.
"You did it again. "I can't believe you'd do that again." No, God knew I was going to be stupid. (audience laughing) That's why he give men new mercy and new grace every day because we know going to mess up everyday. We going to blow it. (audience laughing) Ain't no way in the world-- I tell people, don't sleep on the couch. Oh, no, no, no, I don't know who came up with that rule. Brothers, listen to me. Ain't no way in the world in God's green Earth I'm sleeping on the couch. You can hang that
up. I'm still paying for the mattress. You think I'm sleeping on the couch? Please. I'd scoot over some. That's what I will do. (audience laughing) But I ain't gonna sleep on no couch. You up in heaven on a posturepedic. I'm down here in the bellies of hell. I wake up the next morning. My right side don't work. What happened to him? Because you all comfortable. Please. We ain't that mad. We'll go old school, foot to head. I'll sleep on the end of the foot. You sleep up. (audience laughing) Sitt
ing up here, I ain't doing that. This what they told me. They told me a long time ago. They said this-- he said, when you get a good woman and you really love her, you don't even really worry about a lot of stuff. That's why I tell women, y'all better stop letting the TV lie to y'all, causing problems in their relationship, telling you, your man what you look and be a certain way. No, he don't. No, he don't. What you are is who he got, and he's happy. He knew he wasn't going to get nobody better
than you. That was it. (audience laughing) That's it. You're not going to get nobody better. That's it. I tell men, brothers, if you've got to go woman, you better keep your good woman. You out here looking at other stuff. It's a bunch of recalls, a bunch of recalls. (audience laughing) You hear what I'm telling you? You better keep your good thing. Go ahead if you want to. Go ahead if you want to. She don't cook, clean, nothing. Now, you devastated because you can't eat. (audience laughing) It
ain't nothing worse than eat-- ain't able to eat with dirty clothes? Come on, somebody. You sitting up here smelling like yesterday and today, today? (audience laughing) So I'm telling people, if you get a good woman, you've got to keep that good thing. Some of y'all got a good, old school woman like an old Cadillac. (audience laughing) You better keep that Cadillac. That Cadillac is dependable. You over there looking at the new-- whatever the new stuff is. What they got? A new Tesla. (audience
laughing) Them break down every 18 seconds every time. (audience laughing) OK, you think you looking good until it's time to leave the party. And now you, no, I just got to-- they know. They know about it. Everybody knows. I can't get it started. It's OK. Go ahead. Everyone leave. Everyone leave. Everyone leave-- because you don't want nobody to stay here while you're trying to start up your Tesla in front of everybody because that supposed to be a $1 million car. Keep your good thing, and love
on your good thing. You understand what I'm telling you? Am I talking good? (audience applauding) But children are something else. I love my kids too. I call them religion testers because they test my religion every day. Oh, boy, I love them. But here's the thing. You ever take your kids in the store? And I don't know if y'all have the speech like we have a speech in a Los Angeles. They tell you, no matter, whatever you go through when you go to the store, don't you ask me for nothing. Don't yo
u touch nothing because I ain't got no money. I used to think growing up, when my mom used to tell me that-- "we going in the store. "Don't you touch nothing. "Don't you ask me for nothing "because I ain't got no money." I'm like, if we ain't got no money, what are we doing in the store? (audience laughing) Mama gonna steal? What's really going on? This is a whole new hustle. (audience laughing) My kids, though, he's like a comedian like me, my youngest. He's animated just like me, right? We go
in the store. Now, he don't want to do regular kid stuff. He likes the dramatic-- dramatize everything. Everything's big for him. Everything's big for him. We get in the store. I said, son, look, let me tell you something. Don't go in the store asking me for nothing. Don't touch nothing because I ain't got no money. Gave the same speech that was passed down from me from generation to generation, right? (audience laughing) We get in the store. As soon as we get in store, he don't even wait. He do
n't even wait. As soon he get in the store, he go by the candy. "Daddy, daddy, daddy, "dad, dad, dad, daddy, daddy?" I'm trying to ignore him. I'm like, if I ignore him, maybe he'll stop. He'll get the hint. I'm trying to ignore him. He don't take the hint, no. He going to go for broke. "Daddy, dad, "dad, dad? "Daddy, daddy, daddy, "daddy, daddy, daddy? "Daddy, can I have this, huh, huh, "huh? "Daddy, can I have this, huh, huh, "huh?" I said, if you don't stop! (audience clapping) I wish I was m
aking this up. (audience laughing) Fam, let me tell y'all something. Y'all got kids? OK, I'm going talk to y'all-- I'm getting comfortable. Now, I feel good. Y'all got kids? Listen, let me tell you something about children. This is what I learned. Children do not like to be embarrassed. You think parents, we, talk about being embarrassed? No. Children hate when you catch them, you say stop. And they get embarrassed. Everybody looking, and they be like-- (audience laughing) You ever see that? I t
ell parents all the time. I say, listen to me, if you want to get your child, you got to switch it on your child. You got to switch it up. Instead of your kid acting up, falling out in the store, you switch it up on your child. You fall out on the store. Oh, it's a beautiful situation. I tried it. My kids don't act up no more, no more. We went to the store. I ain't making this up. We went to the store. I already told him the same speech. Mama gave it to me. Her mama gave it to her and her mama g
ave to her. We go in the store. "Don't you touch nothing. "Don't you ask for nothing. "I ain't got no money," same speech. We go in there. As soon as he get in there and go to touch it again-- "Daddy?" I said, I told you I ain't got no money. Why do you keep asking me? Why do you keep asking me? Stop asking me for money. You keep asking me over and over again. I don't get why you keep-- my son looked at me like, I'll be by the bread. (audience laughing) I love children but this is the thing. I t
ell people-- parents, let me tell you something. You can have things happen to you through your children that you think can ruin your life but will bless you. This is what I mean. My son got into it with the manager's daughter. They were playing. You know how the kids play on a skateboard, and one of them get on a knee. And the other one push you on the skateboard, and they fly down? OK, well, they was playing that game, right? Now, all of a sudden, I guess my son pushed too hard. She fell, bust
her knee, and was crying now. Now, y'all, I don't talk about people with my comedy. That's not what I do. I never talk about people in my comedy unless you want to be part of the show. Other than that, I don't talk about people in my comedy. I just tell you what I saw. I'm like a news reporter I see it. I say. I heard it. I tell you. That's it. Don't judge me. (audience laughing) I don't want no judgement. This is just what happened. They outside. This little girl-- Let me just say it like this
because I ain't got that much time. This little girl had the ugliest cry in cry-ativity. (audience laughing) I know it ain't a word but whatever. This dude told me to say that, cry-ativity. (audience laughing) Next thing you know, I hear-- all I hear outside-- now, you hear me. I'm a grown man with a deep voice. I'm 40 years old. I should have a deep voice. It makes sense. Yeah, I know I look good. (audience cheering) That's 40. This is 40. The knees could tell. I can tell it by the knees. The
face look 20, but the knees is 42, OK? (audience laughing) Anyway, they playing outside. This little girl-- I heard the ugliest cry in cry-ativity. All I have come to my-- (crying) (audience laughing) I was asleep. I get up. I go look through the peephole because I'm trying to see what's going on, right? I look through the peephole, and I don't see nobody because she's real small, little secret, real small. I don't see her. I look through the peephole. All I hear is (crying) I said, babe, go get
the bless oil. I think the devil trying to come to my house. I don't know what's going on. (audience laughing) But my spirit say, don't be scared. Don't be scared. Open up the door. So I said, hey, I'm opening the door. (audience laughing) I have to be a man. I got my kids and my family-- they're all looking at me. I'm scared a little bit, but you the man. You got to die a little bit. You got to die for your family. (audience laughing) Open the door. Next thing I know, I see the little girl. I
said, what? What happened? I'm not making this up-- her voice was deeper than mine. It blew me away. You don't know what it's like for somebody to take your voice away. You ain't never experienced it. I said what's wrong, little Shaniqua? What's the problem? She said, just like this. I ain't making this up. She said, "your son pushed me "on the skateboard. "And I fell, and it burned. "It burned." (audience laughing) She took all the bass out the room. All I could say was, he did what? (audience
laughing) "Pushed me on the skateboard." (audience laughing) I got to get ready to get out of here. Man, this is fun-- y'all are a fun crowd. (audience cheering) I was nervous. I ain't going to lie, I was nervous because I was like mam, I don't see none of "uses" out here. (audience laughing) That's what I call my Black folk, "uses." I ain't seen none of "uses." I see one. OK, I'm good. (audience laughing) I'm good. You got a blue mask on, so that counts. OK. (audience laughing) Yes, that counts
. I'm good. But I was nervous when I first came here because I had to find something to wear because we rushed out and lost my luggage. And I'm like, dang, I got to be right because this is a TV taping. This is your special. (audience laughing) Can't go out in front of people if it's your special. Black folks, we judge each other on your special. You don't look right, we going to talk about you. We won't care about your jokes. What you was wearing? (audience laughing) So I caught myself going in
to a little Ross y'all got out here, right? Let me tell you. Ross didn't work out for me. I thought it was going to work out for me. It didn't work out. Everybody says, I got it at Ross-- that stuff? I didn't catch nothing up there. (audience laughing) I went to Marshall's. Now, y'all should have told me about your Marshall's. Your Marshall's is out of order. (audience laughing) The clothes is not where they say it's going to be. OK? Let me just tell you this-- I found these boots inside of a cr
ock pot. Y'all don't even understand. (audience laughing) Any questions? Yes, I did. Yes, I sure did. I said, God wanted me to have these boots. He put them in the crock pot. (audience laughing) And I had a old vest. This was a whole jacket which But the problem at Marshall's-- they sell all the brand new, irregular, old clothes. All of the brand new old irregular clothes-- clothes is irregular at Marshall's. That's why they got a deal. That's why they got a discount. You see how I'm standing li
ke this the whole show? Because I don't want you to know my right leg don't match my left leg. Otherwise-- (audience laughing) --you going to judge me. Like, why's his pants not match? He's supposed to be famous, why's his pants not match? I'm semi-famous. I ain't there yet. (audience laughing) But this vest-- I cut it because the sleeves wasn't matching. I said I can't be like this, and like this. (audience laughing) Something gonna have to give on this evening-- something I could give. Well, I
said, just lose the sleeves. I said, we'll lose the sleeves. I'm going to stand like this for the whole show. (audience laughing) But I'm shopping here, and nobody told me-- Mexican people, I need y'all to please-- please, I'm begging you-- please, get your kids inside of the store. Please, get your kid-- nobody told me little Jesus be hiding in the clothes. (audience laughing) I wasn't ready for this family. I was not ready for little Jesus in the clothes. I'm over here shopping at the Marshal
l's, pulling stuff. The next thing you know, little Jesus jump out the clothes and say, "Hola!" Why would you do that? (audience laughing) Now, I'm a grown man. I'm almost peeing on myself. This is stupid. (audience laughing) Oh, you know-- don't judge me. You know after 40, you can't hold your water like you used to. Some of y'all can't laugh because you went right now. That's why you don't want to laugh. (audience laughing) Hey y'all, I'm Cizzle C. Thank you so much. I had a blast. Utah, thank
you. (audience cheering)
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