When you share similar hates 😳🎤😂 Brad Williams • Iliza Schlesinger • Jay Mohr

I'll tell you who they are. Oh yeah. Here's the people I hate. And I don't mean hate, like. I just. I hate chocolate cake. No, I mean, I hate these people. All right, If you are one of these people that gets offended on behalf of another group, eat a bag of dicks. Just a bag of dicks. Not the font size bag. No, the family size bag of dicks just never stops coming dicks in your mouth. Why do people do this? Why? Why do people care so much about sh*t that has nothing to do with them? And the worst

part is that they think they're being so good. They think they're being a champion. I hope you know that when you get offended on behalf of another group, what you're doing is equally times more racist than whatever pissed you off in the first place? Because what you're doing is you're turning to that group and you're saying, hey, you're not smart enough to know you're being made fun of right now. But don't worry. I know. I know you were made fun of. So. And I'm going to do something about it.

No, no, no. Don't get up. Don't get up, Don't get up. Don't get up. Stay there. I'll handle it. I got this master race on three. One, two, three. Okay, There we go. Like, why do people do this? And I know they do this. I don't. Woman Come up to me recently after a show. Angry, pissed off Brad, I was so offended when you said the word midget. It was like, right, Because you have other family members who are dwarfs. No, you have children that are little people. No, then why the f*%k do you care? W

hy do you care? This doesn't affect you. It doesn't change your life. I would understand if every time I said the word midget, that was some sort of call to arms to all the little people out there to rise up and fight our tall oppressors. And then when you guys got home, there were midgets just flying in your windows, doing shoulder rolls and then dropped kicking your puppy. Okay, I would get that. But literally nothing happens to you. And who the f*%k are you to tell me what I could say about m

y own people? I hope you realize I've been a midget my entire life all 32 years. It's not. It's not like I was six foot four. You know, things were going so well, so hacked off a couple of feet and said, Let's give this a shot. That didn't happen. Why do people care so much about things that don't affect them? Why would anyone give a shit if we'd is legal or not? Listen, if you don't smoke weed, great. Don't smoke weed, but don't stop someone else from doing it because them doing that action doe

sn't affect you whatsoever. Same thing. Same thing with gay marriage. Listen, if you're not gay, who gives a shit if gay marriage is legal or not? If two gay people get married, didn't change your life, didn't affect you whatsoever, why do people give a shit about that? And why do people give a shit? When I drive in my car and I sing every lyric to Katy Perry's firework? Why I love that song has a great song. It's an inspirational song. I also feel better about myself now. I understand that joke

is not funny. All right, it's not. But I say it every night because one of these nights when you people in the audience, you are going to know Katy Perry and you're going to tell her about that joke. She's going to be intrigued by that joke. She is going to want to come see one of my shows. She's going to laugh at my comedy show. She's going to want to meet me afterward. I will meet Katy Perry. Then I will finally get a chance to motorboat them titi’s not trying to do this all social change thi

ng. I just want to get in there and baby I’m the fire works. I'm supposed to stand up here and I'm supposed to tell you that you should love each other and not care. But I can't do that because I understand hate. And I understand that unmitigated, unbridled sense of rage that you can feel toward a stranger. Because I fly out of LAX at least four times a week. So I get it. I was at the airport. I'm going to preface this by saying I'm a morning person and I'm a people person, but there is a woman.

We had the whole airport to stand. She was like, right here. And I don't know because I was wearing Britney Spears perfume. She wanted to be near some white trash. I don't know what it was. She was just in my junk and it was annoying. And the thing is, I know how crazy I am. I don't know how crazy she is. So I didn't want to say anything to her. But I start to get upset and the statistic wheels in my head start turning. And I start thinking about not only how much I hate her, how I want to kill

her, how I want to dispose of the body, what horrible parent she must have had that that gave this child no idea about spatial relations. What kind of a sleeper hold I could put her in if we ever gotten in some sort of octagon situation. And the whole thing comes to a screeching halt because she simply looks at me and goes, Sorry, I didn't mean to crowd you and moves. Now I'm left with a resting heart rate of a thousand and a sweat mustache. And I realize something rage doesn't dissipate. It bu

ilds because it's energy. It can't disappear. It builds and it builds and it builds and it builds until one day you get a tumor. You flip the fk out on a tollbooth worker. It's one of the two. That's how these things happen. And it's not your fault. It's society's fault specifically television, specifically Corn pops commercials from the early nineties. Remember these commercials? There's a boy, he's sitting there, he's a teenager because that's when the rage starts. He's eating as corn pops. We

don't know what's on his mind. Probably thinking about how he's going to torture the neighborhood squirrel. We don't know. His brother comes in messing with him. Hey, dude, what's up? What got your pops? Something goes off in this kid's head, and you start to hear that psycho inner monologue, right? He's like, my God, He's got my pops now. I'll never have cereal now. I'll never forget I did my cereal. Now what if I can't survive? How am I going to feed this fning demon that's living in my stoma

ch? I'm going to kill everyone. I'm going to bring a fning gun to school If I don't get my cereal. His brother comes back. He's like, Never mind, bro. You can have a back sweat mustache. Got to have my pot. Got to have a sedative. Are you out of your fning mind? And it's cereal. The point is, folks, there's enough cereal to go around, so learn to share with your brother. Thanks for coming out tonight. Here’s the thing... Similar Interests are not what keep a marriage afloat. If you really want t

o stay together for a very, very long time, you don't have to have similar interests because they'll tell you if your girlfriend is like a para sailor, they go, It looks like somebody is going to learn how to parasail. No, you don't have to at all. You don't have to have similar interests to be happy together. You know, you have to have similar hates. Yeah, similar hates the couple that hates together, but loves together. And my wife and I are the dynamic duo of hatred. We hate everyone That's n

ot in this room right now. You know you're married to the right person when weird things happen, you know, ever hate somebody, you don't know why they hate them, and your wife tells you why you hate that person. You're like, wow, you're the best. And I mean that completely, sincerely. Strange things happen. I remember once I was driving down Sunset Boulevard and there's one of those strange days where I said to myself, Wow, I've been mean all day. It was about 11:00 in the morning. And I was lik

e, I've been kind of a dick all day. I've been grouchy all day. And it's very rare to do that, much like self reflection. I'm like, Wow, I've been like, crabby. I've been mean. I got in an argument with a stranger on Twitter like that, like what? Like for an hour and a half of arguing with milk lady for 20 about the Jets season like crazy. From now on I'm going to be nice for the rest of the day. I'm not going to argue. I'm not going to say anything negative about anybody the entire rest of the

day. The moment I had that thought on Sunset Boulevard, a guy walked out of a tattoo parlor with denim cutoffs, shorts, flip flops, a Def Leppard t shirt, and I'm like, I'm just staring at the guy and I'm sweating. And my wife goes like this, look at this asshole. me Corazon. I was going to let that ball roll out of bounds. He just dove on the court, put that shit back in play. Yeah. F*%ck= that guy. I hate him. Let's hate him. Similar hates. We don't like the same TV shows. If you looked at our

TiVos? You wouldn't even think we knew each other. My wife's TiVo is like Food Network, Barefoot Contessa. Don't tell Geoffrey. How bad could that be? You're welcome. Dateline, I'd like 40 Dateline. I'd murder shows. And at the very bottom, there's like 18 House Hunters International. Yeah. Ladies, ladies love house hunters. International, my TiVo is like UFC fight, boxing, match, fight, fight. Daily Show. OLBERMANN Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fi

ght. Now if I was ever murdered. The FBI would look at my wife's TiVo and go, this is an easy case. She obviously gave him poisoned chicken. Next, I'm making Jeffrey's chicken. How about could that be? She obviously made him poison chicken. Watch Dateline ID to learn how to get away with it and then bought a condo in Toronto from an Indian landlord. We don't have to like all the same things because every once in a while the streams will cross. I'm watching. I was watching a fight downstairs. It

was a UFC fight and there was a fighter on my television. This kid, Uriah Faber. Great kid. All right. Really great fighter. California kid, gorgeous, good looking, £135. He was just on my radio show. I interviewed him. He was a great interview. Very kind, very humble. Two days later, I'm watching Pay-Per-View and I'm watching him just punch the shit out of some Brazilian guy and I should be having a good time. But for some reason I don't like him. My wife comes downstairs to get a Coke Zero out

of the refrigerator, looks at the TV for one second and goes, Who's the asshole with cornrows? I love you. I don't know why I hated him until you let me know why. There is no worse look than a white guy with cornrows. None None, I take that back. White woman with cornrows. Yike! that is a bad look. That's when it's time to go home from vacation. When you're so drunk, you think cornrows is a good idea on your white head. Gentlemen, you're sitting in the hotel room just watching SportsCenter. And

also your wife comes through, the door is plowed. She's like a Jamaican guy, braided my hair for $4 at the beach. Time to go home, wrap it up. That is a look that either says you drank too much on vacation or you're in jail and you surviven’. I remember when my wife was watching House Hunters International and I go upstairs, get a pair of socks. I look up at the TV for one second. Now, remember, I don't watch house hunters. We explain that earlier. You you know what? This is why I don't like th

e show. House hunters. You save all of your money to buy your dream house, and then you're in your dream house and you're watching house hunters. You watch somebody else's dream house and you go, fuck, I could have had that, but where's my realtor? I'm going to headbutt his face. This sucks. My wife is watching house hunters. I come upstairs. All I want to do is get a pair of socks. I come upstairs, I go to get a pair of socks. I look up the screen again. One second. One second is all I need to

know. There was a couple on the television that is the most disgusting couple I've ever seen in my life. Every single person in this room has got one couple in their neighborhood than when they walk down the street. You elbow each other and you go, my God, here they come. Look, here they come. And you know, the couple I'm talking about like matching red sweatsuits, they got fanny packs, green visors, and they're walking teacup, Yorkies, and they wearing ankle weight. You're like, Here they come.

Look, here they come. This couple was worse than even that couple. I look up, there's a man standing there, a little portly gentleman, a little heavy, but he's wearing a leather vest, no shirt on underneath. And his nipples are way too big. They're peeking out the side. He's got, like, giants, silver dollar pancake. That's what he wore when you knew he was going to be on television. I’ll wear my good vest with no shirt on underneath. And his nipples are peeking. Like, are we on television? The

wife looks like Mrs. Roper from Three's Company. You know, every lady, everyone here has got that one lady in the neighborhood. She's got the FD up home perm. The colors aren't right. The tops have the same color at the bottom. She's got some flowery muumuu. She's always trying to sell your jewelry, right? It's always like Topaz and Courts. And she goes, I made it myself. And you're like, Well, that means I can make it myself. What kind of Fning business woman are you? You're not. This couple wa

s disgusting, and I stopped at the sock drawer, and the TV is right here in front of the sock drawer. And I said, I didn't realize I said it out loud. I went, Oh my God, these people are terrible. And from behind me, I hear, Will you stay? I look behind me and I notice for the first time my wife is completely under the blankets up to here, just the remote sticking out like she's watching The Exorcist alone at night. I go, Do you want me to stay? She goes, I Tivo’d it already watched it twice. Th

ey're disgusting people. We can watch it again. You can get in bed. We can hate them together. And I'm like, Well, I know what I'm doing with my afternoon. Let's hate couples that hates together, loves together Similar hates.