Why Ralph Barbosa Gave His Doctor a One-Star Review - Stand-Up Featuring

I've been going out to eat by myself lately but I take my notebook with me so I can write little joke ideas and I notice like in different parts of town sometimes people will try to guess what I'm writing in The Notebook like whenever I'm in Hood Type areas people are usually like oh he's writing raps but whenever I'm in like a nice Uptown Starbucks then people are like uh he's writing raps one time I was like in a very like quiet low-key coffee shop and this girl comes up to me she's like hey e

xcuse me are you writing poetry I was like no already raps I try to hide my notebook and she tried to peek over my shoulder she was like how come it says jerk off right there I was like don't worry about that streets is crazy people die jerking off there try to eat healthy like I'm a I'm a type one diabetic and a lot of people don't believe me when I say that I think it's because I'm real Slim you know it's kind of like hearing a really ugly Dude tell you he got herpes because people just look a

t you like you got it like you think you got it a doctor told you you got it well a doctor did tell me I was diagnosed like at six and I had that same doctor from when I was six up until I was 18 which is a long time to have one doctor so when I left I thought it'd be nice to leave him a review on his website who knows them better than I do you know I was like this man was my doctor for the last 12 years and I am still diabetic one star I left the one star because of the nurses he had working fo

r him they used to try to lift you up but I didn't like it because they'll say things like you know in time you could actually find that diabetes could be somewhat of a blessing in disguise I think I'd rather have just a regular blessing well the sky's part is really messing with my blood sugar or a horrible nurse but I took her advice like years down the line though I was at a bar so my friends started a little fight this dude pushed me that's what my head I was like diabetes [Music] I didn't w

ant to fight him so I said hey man you don't want to do this I'm tired and this is one of those little things that sucks about living in America he goes me too and it punched me in my face I've never cared about like a weight problem or a diabetes problem in this country but when that happened I was like this is out of control man diabetes I saw it as like come on man we got to stick together but he saw it as like nah two types walked in one type's walking now I do I go out to eat a lot I've bee

n having this problem at restaurants where I get skiffed in lines pretty much every time by white women not saying I'm angry I'm just saying it's usually you guys but I don't think it's a race thing like I don't think white women are skipping me because I'm Hispanic I think white women are skipping me because I'm short and Hispanic like hear me out you see a six foot Latino dude standing in line that dude has the potential to be tall tan handsome you respect that man's place in that line but the

y see me five seven Hispanic dude in line and their minds are probably thinking he probably works here I'm just getting in front like I don't say anything though I don't I don't really think it's a big deal if anybody's wrong in the situation it's me because if it's a good looking white girl I'm like man whatever but if it's like a white woman that has a ring on her finger then I'm like racist I don't I don't say anything though I feel like I learned my lesson once because I skipped the white wo

man once and I got in front of her and she goes you're gonna regret that I was like whatever I didn't think nothing of it I brushed It Off then like two days later I went to my old neighborhood to visit my grandma and they turned their house into a yoga studio I was like ah thanks got me honestly I kind of like when I get scared by white ladies only the older ones because they do it with like some guts behind it with some attitude you know like older white ladies with the little glasses they'll

get right in front of you and then look back at you like what go ahead say something this is a target who do you think they'll believe I'm like fair enough fair enough I don't know where I fit in but I really don't like I can't even hang out with my Thug friends anymore because we'll be smoking together and then they like to say cool Thug but it'll also hurt my feelings a lot of the time they get real dramatic when they hit the joint and be like and uh you know when I think about it all my real

friends are either dead or in jail by now laughs I'm gonna give you back my weed man changing my Hulu password too that's for my real friends I like my Suburban friends too they're like college kid preppy type people very cocky like they can never answer questions by saying yes or no they always got to say stuff like you know me that's weird that is the strangest way to answer a question talk to my buddy James I was like yo James a couple weeks ago we were hanging out at that bar and you seem to

hit it off with that one girl and I've been meaning to ask you did you two go home together he was like Ralph you know me you know me I was like dude she's been missing for like 13 days I don't know you at all my educated friends are trying to get me into politics more they're like man you don't you don't ever see these immigrant stories on the news and get upset you know what I mean because because our parents were immigrants don't doesn't make you mad the way they treat people I was like I do

n't watch it but I mean I'll try because I get it everybody has something to be offended by you know like and I want to be a part of my people I want to find something to get offended about I won't be mad I was watching all these different political channels but couldn't care much until I started watching CNN they were doing this special on China and now I started getting a little offended right it could be the first thing that caught me 80 of Americans don't trust president Gigi ping and I don'

t think that's true because I don't think eighty percent of us knew China had a president called my buddy pong because he's from China I was like yo you guys have a president in China he says no she said it's more of like a chairman position I was like oh well I don't trust him and that's kept watching they said the biggest threat to our country is the country of China and that's where I got mad because China has not only closed and fed me for the last 20 something years but after every meal the

y give me a little message of inspiration China's my biggest threat no I believe they're my mom before I believe they're my biggest threat start pressuring me to vote a lot I don't like that either I miss being a little kid getting pressured into more human things like gangs drugs you knew which one was dangerous or with voting you can never pick a right side sometimes you know you think you know and then somebody comes out of the Shadows with some hidden facts that they read online it's hard to

know it's true or not you'll be like hey yeah I'm gonna go uh Democrat because I heard they got a good health plan they're like no yeah they do this it's a good choice and Out of the Shadows somebody pops up like but also they eat children oh okay I don't want that let me check out the Republican side and you get the facts on them oh yeah they got a good budget plan they're really they're really trying to fix up the economy you'll like it and then out of those same Shadows somebody pops up with

like but also they're the ones who purchased the children like I'm good on kids man I'm good I do want to vote I do want to but honestly I want to do it for bragging rights I feel like one day there's going to be a badass president who legalizes all sorts of cool things across the country like mushrooms weed [Applause] Institutes not saying I'm just gonna go indulge in all of these but I I would like to think if you know by some circumstance I find myself sharing a legitimate blunt with a legal

prostitute as we follow her W-9 in that moment I want to be like you're welcome by the way I voted I did this it's just scary like you really do got to get informed man you can't you can't just make a snap decision like I'm 25. but I don't feel like I'm old enough to vote you know like I want to pick a president but at this age like I'm still learning how to pick good mechanics I got my wheel alignment the other day by a dude who guessed the price off the top of his head I just pulled in I was

like excuse me sir how much is it for a wheel alignment [Music] he's kicking my tires I just looked at him like I don't know either but I went with him because he seemed trustworthy enough but my car drives more crooked now than when I gave it to him I don't know much about cars or politics but I do know this I do know that sometimes people running for office scare me for the same reason that mechanics scare me I ever noticed people who run for office talk about the country the same way mechanic

s talk about your car they're like can I fix it yes but I got to take it apart from the inside really it's gonna take me some time especially especially because look I don't know if you saw this with the guy who had it before me he really this up