- All right, yeah, hey, I'm from Wisconsin. So, yeah, I'm used to being number one in a lot of stuff. (audience laughing) None of it's that good. It's always high cholesterol, heart attacks, cheese-related rodeo injuries. (audience laughing) Maybe we're not that bad. I just found out that we're the only state that reimburses hunters if their dog gets eaten by a bear up to $2,500. (audience laughing) Now, look, I love my dog. (audience laughing) But when he gets old, we are going hunting. (audien
ce laughing) (audience applauding) And chihuahua don't normally hunt bear. (audience laughing) We're only going once. (audience laughing) No, I don't hunt. I don't hunt because-- if you hunt, I support you. I just don't, because you can't show up in the woods in a Prius. (audience laughing) You can't shoot a deer and put it on the front of a Prius and drive it home. It's embarrassing for the deer. (audience laughing) The deer is like, just shoot me again. This is embarrassing. (audience laughing
) You got to put the deer in a truck. I've always wanted a truck. My wife encouraged me to go to the dealership, just ask a few questions. So I went in. And this big, burly truck salesman was like, "well, what kind of tow "ratio are you looking for?" I didn't know what that meant. So I was like, five on each foot, I think. (audience laughing) Five on the break, five on the gas, yeah. (audience laughing) I wanted a pickup truck and a chainsaw. That's all I've ever wanted. My wife just got me a ch
ainsaw for our anniversary. Yeah, it was an electric one from Aldi. (audience laughing) Yeah, there's no outlets in the woods. I got to run a lot of cable just to cut down a shrub. (audience laughing) I just want to be tougher. I think that's why I like football players, like a huge football fan. And they're so tough. My favorite running back of all time was Adrian Peterson. He was so tough. He tore all the ligaments in his knee. And then less than a year later, he rushed for over 2,000 yards to
become the NFL MVP. And just to put that in perspective, when I was a freshman in high school, I played running back. And the coach is like, "take a knee." I went down on my knee. And there was a sand wasp in the dirt. (audience laughing) I missed four years. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) That's how I got into drama. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Thank you. No extra charge for that. (audience laughing) I almost tore my pants. (audience laughing) I had to get new pants just
to do it Dry Bar. I know. I am so jealous of people that can go into a store and buy pants, put them on and that's it because I can't do that. I have a special size. I'm a 38 waist and a 26 inseam. (audience laughing) So I got a custom order. And I entered that into jcpenney.com. And a window pops up and it says, are you sure that's not a desk at IKEA? (audience laughing) No, those are my pants, people. (audience laughing) I could do something sensible like just take care of myself and lose som
e weight. (audience laughing) Where we're from, there's no health food. I went to-- (audience laughing) I went to Wisconsin to watch the last football game of the year with the in-laws. And it was just four of us. So I'm like, well, I got a couple dozen brawts. (audience laughing) And my mother-in-law was like, "well, "I got a couple of dozen brawts." And Uncle Jim was like, I got a couple dozen brawts. That's 72 brawts for four people. (audience laughing) So at halftime, I had to run out and ge
t more brawts. (audience laughing) Yeah, I'm a traditional guy too. It's hard to get me out of my pattern. I don't believe in the air fryer. (audience laughing) All these air fryer people are like, oh, the chicken wings, everything, the cauliflower, nuggets, everything so-- I don't hear any of it. You know why? Because I'm a hot oil guy. (audience member cheering) Yeah, what this air fryer-- when do you even put the air in? (audience laughing) And where do you dump the used air? I've been dumpin
g my used oil in my neighbor's yard for 25 years. (audience laughing) It's tradition. (audience laughing) I come from a long, long line of deep fryer people. My dad got out of the Navy, and he took a job with a deep fryer repair company. Yeah, they had their own U-Pull-It parts yard on the back. You need a heater coil for a 760 Frymaster, you talk to my dad. (audience laughing) The name of the company is called Presto. As in presto, your cholesterol just went up 400 points. (audience laughing) B
ut, yeah, I could just take care of myself better. That would help a lot. And I've tried tricking myself into exercise. I was going on a road trip. I knew the hotel wouldn't have a gym. It was in South Dakota, and it was very small. And I knew I'd be cooped up. So I took a deck of cards. I thought I could trick myself into this one where you shuffle them up and then you're flipping over. And if it's a nine, you do that many push-ups. Then you flip another one. If it's an eight, do that many sit-
ups. And I just kept modifying. I may throw out the face cards. Seven is a wild card. Like-- (audience laughing) take a nap or make a frozen pizza. And the aces were 1 or 11 depending on how many naps you deserve. (audience laughing) I've tried yoga. That's good for the body and the mind. And they say it helps you process anger. I just found the closer my face got to my rear end, the angrier I got. (audience laughing) Excuse me. I'm going to grab some water here. Your laughter means a lot to me.
I've had kind of a tough stretch. I tore my rotator cuff during a prostate exam. (audience laughing) It was a telehealth visit. (audience laughing) And I had to hold the iPhone and the laser pointer. And the doctor is just like, "zoom out." (audience laughing) I've been coloring my own hair for 25 years. Yeah, and I'm not going to do it anymore. I've reached the age. I'm just going to embrace who I am. And if you've ever colored your own hair, it's humiliating. You go to the drugstore. And it's
called Just For Bros. And they got seven flavors, and you just pick one out. And you just bring it home. You just strip down naked. And that's how I do it, sir. (audience laughing) You put on these disposable plastic gloves like you're making a $5 footlong. (audience laughing) What kind of bread would you like? And you just-- You rub it in. Now, look, your eyes are going to water up because of the toxic fumes. (audience laughing) And that's OK because you don't want to see the mirror in front o
f you reveal a 48-year-old comedian with auburn brown rivers of shame running down his forehead, (audience laughing) dripping onto a pale, distended white belly, (audience laughing) creating what appears to be a pantsless chocolate sundae. (audience laughing) And they make it for your beard and mustache too. It's called Just For Bros Beard and Mustache. (audience laughing) Why not shave it off of that boy? You got a nice stache. Is that real? Would you ever comb anything in there? No, you can't
do it. You look like a weirdo. And you're like. (laughing) I'm going to accessorize my bottom face with my top face. Everything matches. So during the pandemic, my wife and I decided that we would try camping. And that always goes better when both people like to camp. (audience laughing) But we went on Craigslist. We bought a used 1977 camper, 9 and 1/2 feet long, holds two angry adults and one fart. (audience laughing) And I didn't know what a piece of junk it was. We couldn't even go up the hi
lls, because we were towing it with a Prius with a deer on the front. (audience laughing) And we had it. We're up in this town in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. And it had all these giant hills. And so we finally got it up there. And then we went downhill super fast and took a sharp left-hand turn on Main Street. And, poof, the door on the camper just fell off. It went, poof. And we didn't know all our stuff spilled out onto Main Street like duffel bags and shoes and beef jerky. And we had no
idea. We were about three miles outside of town. And we're just having fun driving along. And I look in my side mirror. And I see a Harley-Davidson rider. And he's got a big, gray bushy beard. And it's flapping in the wind. And he's coming up real fast. And he's holding something in his hand that looks like a snake. And he gets real close, and he goes, "is this your CPAP machine? (audience laughing) "The motor for it is back on "Main Street." (audience laughing) So I turned to my wife. I said, h
oney, I think I got do a U-turn and go back to Main Street and get my CPAP motor. And she said, "that's the hottest "thing you've ever said. (audience laughing) "Take me now." So I took her. Now I'm back to get my CPAP motor. (audience laughing) I picked up all our stuff. And here's what I learned about camping. It's always kinda late. You're always hungry. You're always wet. It's always raining. And we get to the state park campground at 3:00 in the morning. And you're cramming dollar bills int
o a pay box. And my wife gets out her spotlight. She had this big, old spotlight. She illuminates the entire campground like. And we just drive around and around like two crazy people. And we were like, there it is. There's a spot. There's a spot. So my job is to back in. And I do this and back in. And then I always do this. I go, oops, over the fire pit. (audience laughing) (scraping sound) Right along a picnic table, just scrape the paint off the camper. (audience laughing) So then my job is t
o get out. And I do this thing. I do this thing. I do this one. Just keep doing this like this, like this and keep doing it and doing it. And keep doing it until I realize I'm going the wrong way. And then I keep going back and back and back and back and back and back, get angrier and angrier and angrier. (audience laughing) And I realize that the lake is over there. So we got to flip the whole-- I'm like oooh, crap. Just keep doing it and doing it doing like a maniac making mashed potatoes. (au
dience laughing) That's camping. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Yeah, we do projects at home too. Yeah, we do projects around the house. One of the reasons why I love my wife is because she just trusts me to get stuff done. And she wanted me to build a patio. And I said, I'm not really a patio-building guy. (audience laughing) She's like, "just go on YouTube. "You can do it." (audience laughing) She encourages me, just go on YouTube. You can-- so I was like, all right. So I got my lap
top and a notepad. I opened it up, typed in "how to build a patio." And this kind of hipster carpenter guy is like, "all right, man, "what you wanna do "is measure that and cut that, "dig a hole there." I'm making notes. And then the next video pops up. It says, would you like to watch top 10 bikini malfunctions? (audience laughing) Well, I was building the patio. But I guess I could make time for that. And so I made some notes on that one. And then the next video pops up. It said, would you lik
e to watch top 10 air show disasters? Yeah, I think I would. (audience laughing) And then my wife comes home. She's like, "how is the patio going?" I'm like, I don't know. But I'm never going to wing walk on a biplane next to power lines. (audience laughing) And if you're ever at the beach on a windy day, always wear a one piece. (audience laughing) I'd like to thank you for laughing. (audience laughing) I know that when you watch me, it's not always-- everybody digests what I do in a different
way. And I really appreciate all your different responses. And I was working at a club in Chicago one time. And a retired Chicago policeman came up to me, pulled me aside, and he goes, "you know, "I was watching you up there. "And it reminded me "of stand-up comedy." (audience laughing) Hey, I think we just confused each other. I was like, thank you? (audience laughing) I miss Chicago. I used to live there for 15 years. And my favorite part was late at night, they'd have these car dealer commerc
ials that ran super late in the evening. And it was like they had a director giving them bad acting advice on purpose. "Ready and action." Making deals is what we do at Ray Gorski Pontiac, Subaru. (audience laughing) "And cut. "OK, look, Ray, we're going to have "you tighten up. "You're all over the place. (audience laughing) "You're like Richard Simmons "on Red Bull. "Now settle down." (audience laughing) Do you ever buy a car at the dealer? It's the same thing. They get you in that little room
, and then they hang with you. And then the guy is like, "you know what? "Gotta run these numbers "by the general manager." And he goes, and he gets the general manager. And he's like, "what's it going "to take to get you under this 1983 "Chrysler LeBaron?" (audience laughing) I don't know, a blindfold? Have you seen how ugly it is? (audience laughing) It's the only car I've ever seen with dandruff. (audience laughing) Well, thank you. I'm going to go fly back to the Midwest tomorrow. (audience
laughing) And I don't trust the airlines because they're advertising specials that don't exist. A round-trip ticket starting at $49. Then you go on the website. There's like $149 plane ticket. And it leaves a year from now at 4:00 in the morning. It goes from Laramie, Wyoming, to Fort Wayne, Indiana. (audience laughing) And it's the pilot that blacks out over 10,000 feet. (audience laughing) And the flight attendants are cats. Meow. (audience laughing) Thank you very much. Have a great rest of y
our night. Thank you so much. (audience cheering)
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