“You Look Like Finding Nemo” - Jo Firestone - Full Special

what's up New Orleans this is Comedy Central standup presents put your hands together for Joe Firestone hello hi hello Hi how are you guys doing um I was I was very nervous getting ready for this special cuz it's I was really um I was trying to do diet and exercise have you guys tried that it's terrible it's so terrible it goes against every evolutionary progress we made which is to eat and sit still it's so terrible I hate diet and exercise I hate there's if you go to a gym has anyone been to t

hose it's so terrible there's all these things where you don't know where to put your hands or feet there's so many rules and no one explains it to you they just give you more towels it's so terrible I I tried I tried exercise I didn't realize that you needed to wear a sports bra and I almost ripped my tits off so heard the tearing I was like I got to sit down so bad um I uh I I do I feel like I'm nervous just because I'm I'm afraid a lot of times I feel like all like just since I'm just since t

he election I feel like all of my frivolous thoughts have turned to fear like I used to think about like fun things like how do fish have sex you know we're like how many flavors of chips are there if you count all of them you know with Ripples and stuff but it's all turned to fear it's terrible anyways let's get started um uh I'm from the Midwest is anyone familiar with that part of town like my family's really end up being allamerican they love it they're really into it like my dad puts ketchu

p on steak and uh my mom has like a ton of aprons and like I'm a little different from them you know like uh I like to talk about yogurt do we have any uh yogurt heads in the crowd any yogurt heads yogurt heads let me let me hear you go yo yo that's good that's very good I know we're out there yogurt heads are my Target demographic yogurt heads let me ask you a question you ever find that the older you get yogurt kind of becomes a creamy dessert yes you ever call a Greek yogurt the thick Stu yog

urt heads you ever think to yourself fruit should be at the bottom all right I'm done with that B I'm sorry to all the people that don't like yogurt that part wasn't for you and you just got to accept it I do I've had some dark times I'm kind of a sad person I like I I tried to kill myself twice but um the darkest I ever felt was when I had to take a [ __ ] into a plastic bag in my own kitchen no further questions I'll go into the light stuff now you guys ready for some light stuff here's here's

something that's really nice really cool here it go did you guys know that you can um take everything off of a sandwich and you could put it on a croissant stops being a sandwich starts being a Christmas gift that's pretty great I'm never going back to bread I'll tell you that Bread's for losers I'd rather eat tuna between my hands before I go back to bread no but it made me start thinking like what else can I do like if I can do that you know with sandwich which is I can definitely start findi

ng underwear that's the right size you know I stop oh I stopped opening my mouth when I went to greet dogs you know you don't have to taste them you can just be like ooh a dog that's pretty good I got off Facebook that's really good that's a big life Improvement is anyone here what are you guys doing you got got to get off Facebook it's terrible it's so terrible I feel like Facebook it's like okay so if someone like okay here's the deal if if I were alone at like 2: in the morning I will go thro

ugh all of your pictures like I'll look at thousands of your pictures I'll know what your friends look like I'll know what their friends look like I know what their parents look like like I know if you go on a vacation I know what you wore every day like that's just something that I'll I'll spend my time doing it but if you dare come up to me with a real photo album you would show me three pictures printed out I'll be like get the [ __ ] out of here you're wasting my time get out of here my time

is precious I don't know what it is um I do here's something fun I I found a new hobby I started going to the pharmacy to get candy has anyone r that it's great it's so great they got great selection great prices I know it's like a medical facility but it's it's great so I'll go there I'll buy candy it's really fun but uh a few of my girlfriends recently told me that they will buy like a bag of Gummy Bears when they buy a pregnancy test so it doesn't look like they're just buying a pregnancy te

st which I understand that logic but I'm pretty sure the clerk knows there's two things being rung up you know and one of them is because they think they're pregnant but I started to think about it you know like I think I could use this logic so I started buying a pregnancy test with my gummy bears and it looks like I'm making all kinds of crazy mistakes you know like I got a sweet tooth and I got [ __ ] inside me you know what who knows who knows I don't don't just have a sweet tooth anymore I'

m not I'm in a relationship now but I used to be single isn't that relatable has anyone had an experience like that yes isn't that crazy you can be in a relationship and be single and it goes back and forth huh life but I yeah I used to in my wild youth I used to hook up with strangers it's terrible idea you're touching someone you don't even know you know you're leaving your fingerprints on them what if there was a crime and with strangers you kind of have to assume this like I'm like like you

have to kind of assume that you're like this pleasant person you know like oh no I don't need too much air you know like I'm never thirsty and I don't I don't have any smells you know it's very strange it's very strange cuz you're about to do something disgusting with them but like you're just trying to put up this facade that's like no I don't even have feet you know it's really weird it's really weird but you end up having to talk to them you know cuz there is a lot of dead air you can't alway

s have your mouth on something you know but so like you kind of you kind of end up having to talk but you can't talk about your insecurities or you know like what you know what your problems are with you know today's economy you kind of you you kind of have to stick to a few subjects right my choice is I I like to talk about the other person's body you know make them feel good for the you know for the main event you know deal with the present so it's like you know you're going back and forth lik

e man your back is so soft you know like what's back there feathers you know like or like uh man your neck is so long you know was your mama a swan you're just trying to make feel like a bird but I I I was going back and forth with this guy like I was like oh dang you got that that's good nice work you know like and he's like back at me like who look at that that's that's nice that works nice you know we really going back and forth having a dialogue you know all the parts and all the faces you k

now nice nice stuff that's how sex works okay I don't know what you guys are experiencing but that's you kind of just kind of talking um but we're going back and forth and was going fine and then the guy goes to grab my butt and then he goes whoa you don't have a butt you know which you know to be honest I don't have much of a butt you know like my back just kind of connects to my legs and there's an [ __ ] in there but it's just functional you know but like I've come to terms with it you know I

've been in enough Old Navy dressing rooms you know to know where my problem areas are you know I'm 30 years old and I I've I've come to terms with it you know and you know that expression you learn in um in elementary school that uh it's like don't have sex with rude people you guys remember that well it just kind of clicked in I was like I shouldn't have sex with this man it's only going to get worse so I was like I got to say something I got to I got to set the record straight it's so he goes

you don't have a butt and I go to him I'm like oh yeah man if I don't have a butt then where's all this diarrhea been coming from if you want to know the truth I came up with that three months after the fact and I was so proud of myself yeah I was like it could have happened that way hea I think I ended up saying something along the lines so like no you okay I would you're fun something terrible like that so I don't like strangers very much I I got I got into a cab the other day have you guys e

ver taken cabs are you familiar with them there you go in you go into a car you pay for a ride it doesn't matter you just need to be on board okay so I so I I got into a cab the other day and I don't normally talk to cab drivers because they're strangers you know only except to just tell them my home address but um yeah I I uh I usually oh you know what sometimes I do start I start the ride with a joke and you guys can use this it works about uh 15% of the time you're welcome to use this you get

in there um and you say you say hey man you must have a lot of friends cuz everybody's been waving at you and sometimes they laugh and sometimes they say what and then you get to tell the whole joke again but I didn't tell the joke that that time I was acting real chill you know I was just a real chill lady I was just real good and he was driving me home this this cab Drive was just driving me home and he starts acting kind of weird so he starts turning around his face to look at my face and I

I'm like kind of getting weirded out and finally he says something he goes I got to tell you something I say what he goes you look like a celebrity well that's the best thing that's the best thing ever isn't that the best thing especially for women women for women in this country they only make the pretty ones famous it's huge it's a huge compliment I get celebrity look alikes from time to time it kind of goes on a range between uh Julia Roberts and Debbie Downer um kind of depending on if it's

raining but it was a dry night that night you know so I was feeling pretty cute you know I was like wait tell me who the celebrity is wait don't tell me tell me and like I was kind of flirting with him it was gross like like I was kind of paing the plastic you know like I was really acting like the green &em and uh and uh finally so well the thing is is that I'd forgotten that strangers are out there to punish you I'd gotten too excited and I I didn't remember that uh he was going to ruin me uh

does anyone have a guess you won't hurt my feelings I'm open to it huh who' you say David Spade did you say David Spade that does hurt my feelings a little bit I've never gotten that in my life and I'm glad it happened tonight on my comedy special that's good yeah so no it was was not David Spade to answer all of your wondering questions no he said I looked like Finding Nemo and I said what and he goes you know the movie with the fish so at this point it's pretty clear to me it's not any one cha

racter but he's kind of thinking it's the full featurelength film with almost no humans in it so I go the full featur length fil film with almost no humans in it and he goes yeah I stand by it like it was rude of me to question it you guys have been an audience and and um I just want to say that I I do I want to I want to give you a little treat this game is very fun this game is called um I have been there okay and what's going to happen is I'm going to tell you things that I I've experienced i

n my life that have horrified and embarrassed me and if you've experienced it as well you're going to yell out I have been there you guys ready okay here we go okay you've taken an entire burrito into bed with you and you laid down and you ate it like a goddamn farm animal later you found rice in your blankets and you ate the rice from your blankets okay whenever you say the words sir calm down you're the one shouting you're afraid of dying mostly because what if they find blank in your bedroom

you make sad things for dinner like mayonnaise as a dip and pizza potatoes even when you're surrounded by people you eat apples like you're a wet Apple Goblin nobody you talk to dogs like they babies you talk to babies like they're dogs okay there's a chance for everyone though there's a chance for everyone okay sometimes you smile at people in elevators and then you're like why'd I do that you've tried on so many clothes but none of them fit cuz they all kind to look like your body you've said

man was I thirsty out loud after drinking a glass of water alone good this is good for us sometimes you think people are giving you a dirty look but they're not not they're just looking back at you the way you're looking at them you go to Trader Joe's to buy something like yogurt and you leave Trader Joe's with something called chocolate pasta and no yogurt you ask someone out and they said no no they just want to be friends and you're like no no we're no longer friends you ever see yourself in

the mirror butt naked except you're wearing your ugly socks and you're like love cannot know this sometimes after you sleep with someone you're afraid they truly know how you smell and and taste you order something and they give you the wrong thing and you say nothing coward okay this is the final one are you ready every time you get out of the train you touch your eyes and then you think why'd I do that guys thank you so much for having me this has been so much fun all right all right goodbye t

hank you yeah