Mosfilm Balzaminov's Marriage Balzaminov's Marriage
Сomedy based on A. Ostrovsky's trilogy Written and directed by Konstantin Voinov Dirt means wealth... It means gold... It means you'll be a man of great wealth. Ah, I wish it to come true, Mamma! I had so many dreams... In which I had a lot of money, and was very well dressed, and was marrying a rich woman. But then I would wake up - and everyting was gone! I'll quit believing dreams. You don't say so! One can't but believe in dreams. Such a tr
avesty... With your trying, you should have married a millionaire long ago... Perhaps, you just have no luck... They say, one must have luck
even for looking for mushrooms... Not to say about rich marriageable girls. But maybe, Mamma, I'm
really fated to meet my fortune? Maybe it's waiting for me somewhere? But I don't know where to go, where to seek for it? But this, Mamma, on one hand is really tempting indeed. Mamma... Mamma! Нere I am... ...A poor young man... A real beggar. Indeed, a beggar
by all accounts. Now I'm having a walk somewhere... In my dreams, Mamma, I imagine myself as a dark-haired man with
moustache... And so, I’m having a walk... Suddenly I see a woman or a girl at the window. And, Mamma, the house I saw her in is mine... So I'm sitting in the morning with a cup of coffee... In a pink dressing gown... "Flowers in my garden..." All these dreams, my friend... ... Are nothing... Are just smoke... Oh, Mamma, why did you interrupt me? You don't know what a pleasure it
is to dream! Oh! Keep dreaming then, God be with you. But your night dream was really good, wasn't it? A holiday dream comes true before lunch. Let's wait, if it doesn't come true before lunch nothing will happen. And you should throw it out of your head. "Flowers in my garden, please, I beg your pardon,” “Ask my sweetheart to come now!”
“Is my heart to harden?” “Night, I pray that you do not fail,”
“Bring my sweetheart in your shade.” “And you also, nightingale,”
“Lure her with your serenade."
"Night, I pray that you do not fail..." "Flowers in my garden, please, I beg your pardon,” “Ask my to come sweetheart now!”
“Is my heart to harden?” “Night, I pray that you do not fail,”
“Bring my sweetheart in your shade.” “And you also, nightingale,”
“Lure her with your serenade." Pooh! “Now you help me, garden gate,”
“Squeak and quell my yearning.” “Oh, my sweetheart, don't be late,” “With desire I'm burning!” “Night, I pray that you do not fail,”
“Bring my sweetheart in your shade.” “And you
also, nightingale,”
“Lure her with your serenade." My devastatingly handsome young man, what gifts would you give me? To whom? To me. What for? If you know too much you'll get old too soon! But what gifts? Really, I have nothing to give you. Now you have nothing, but later you'll get a lot!
What an eligible bachelor, eh! Do you swoop down on ladies? Ivan the Fool cried:
“Grizzled-brown-and-gray horse,” “Stand right before me” “With your magic force." He went right in one ear of the horse,
and c
ame right out the other and then became a prince. The princess sat on the twelfth floor of her new wooden house, the prince jumped high, up all twelve floors, kissed her sugary lips, and she stamped his forehead with her personal seal for him to remember! Misha... Misha... What's the matter with you,
have you lost your mind? What if, Mamma, I could become an honorable man? One could
lose his mind against his will. Oh, Lord! Come on... Hanging would be too good for Matryona! "The pilgrims came
out” “Of the Bogolyubov monastery” “And on to the holy city of Jerusalem..." Alms, for God's sake! Alms! God will provide! God will provide! "They stood in one circle” “And all thought one thought..." Would you like some tea? I've already had it, my good Madame, I've already had it about four times today. I'm watching my figure... But there's no use of this tea... Matryona! Run off to the shop! What for, when we have everything at home? And how about vodka, huh? Ooh! Hee-hee! And I don't refuse
for nothing. Everything is fine, everything is for a reason... All is fish that comes to my net. ...I don't bite, yet in one house they wanted to make fun of me... Yes. ...Instead of vodka they gave
me a glass of yew-dey-cologne! Oh, I say! Not a big deal, I drank it and thanked them. It couldn't harm me anyway - this yew-dey-cologne! Akulina Gavrilovna! What's the pleasant news? As if you don't know! It was you who captivated her, so you must know better. And the girl is lovesick, she goes up t
he wall. So they saw the inevitable trouble and sent for me. It's not the first time I'm doing this job of an envoy. And if we judge well we matchmakers should be promoted to high rank! Without us, it would be the end! The human race would cease to exist. On whose behalf, Akulina Gavrilovna? Guess yourself! Where do you stroll from morning till night? Don't you know? He struts under her window and poses, she looks down and schemes she composes. Could it be the Nichkins? Bullseye! Lord! Good heav
ens!.. Lord! Go away, silly woman! What's the matter with him? It's because of love. It could have been worse. Love is cruel to the heart. Nothing is more terrible. People shed blood for infidelity! Enough. Why did they, Akulina Gavrilovna, send you to us? To make your acquaintance. Come to their house right away - tonight. They invite you kindly to have a dish of tea. Oh my goodness! My goodness! Love is at work! I wonder, what about her dowry? A golden bride-to-be. She inherited from her fathe
r
three hundred silver rubles! I'll die! I'll lose my mind! My goodness! Look, how it's seized him! And she is such a beauty. A weal peach. Hup! Give way! The dream, Mamma, has come true indeed... Ouch, my ear! Oh Lord! And I had warned you!
Why are you curling your hair? You look nicer when you're natural. I'm not a hairdwesser for you. What do you expect from me? I asked to curl hair, not ears. Then why have you grown them so big? You should have gone to the hairdwesser! Look, mama, look: hang
ing
would be too good for her. Where is my pencil? And why should I know? What a clerk you are if you have lost your pencil? I am not a clerk! A pencil for you is like a gun for a soldier! And do you think soldiers lose their guns? Mamma! Now I have a salary of 120 rubles a year. We are living on it. Well? But what would three hundred thousand be like? Well... A thousand a year... Still I can live on it for three hundred years. Oh my! My goodness! Oh! Are you really going to live for three hundr
ed years? And why not, Mamma, if the life's good, maybe I could? And what if two thousand a year? It'll be enough for
one hundred and a half years anyway. O! Mamma? What? I'll go and sit in the yard. I need to smell the breeze, I've been thinking so hard about my life. Misha! Don't think! Don't think! Don't think! It'll be worse for you! Misha! There are some French words sounding like Russian ones. Memorise them. And what words, Mamma? You always say, "I'll go for a walk." That's not good. You'
d better say, "I'll take a promenade!" Yes, "promenade" sounds better. I know a lot of such words. Misha! Misha! Let me go! Let me go! And if someone is not worth your attention, what would you call him? A tripe. Well, that doesn't sound very polite. You'd better say in French "goltepas!" “Golte-pas?” Yes. A good word. And if someone starts boasting, and then they bring him down a peg,
it's called "assager." “Assager?” Yes. A good word as well. Oh, I'm so afraid! I'm afaraid! What are you afraid
of, my dear? I cannot understand it. I'm always afraid of men, especially the men I'm in love with. What are you afraid of? Do they bite? They'd better speak openly, and not beat about the bush. I simply don't know what to answer. And I can't hide my feelings... ...I could do something wrong! I could even faint away! Don't be afraid. I'll be with you. Oh, I'll die! Don't sigh so hard, a seam may burst, come on. Ahem! Uncle, you’ll frighten my suitor away! Eh? What suitor? Frighten away indeed!
Go away! It's impolite to talk like that with ladies! It's simply not done nowadays! And who is this? My friend. Ah, of a noble family? Of a merchant's. Ah, small fry. Ah, ignorance! Impoliteness! Yes. Oh, I'm afraid! Ahem! Kapochka's asked me to advise you to be more daring with her! Come on! Hee-hee! Really, she's very timid. Hee-hee! Don't feel embarrassed, we are simple people. Hee-hee! And where is her mother? Ah, she's changing. Ah, I'm afraid of you! Don't come close to me! Why such disfa
vour? We should never trust men. But I can restrain myself. Everybody says so but when it comes to it they do
the most disgusting things. I don't blame men. They get everything easy. But we girls must fear our inclination for falling in love. What do you like more: winter or summer? Summer. You can stroll in summer. But you can sleigh in winter. And what berries do you like most? And what about you? Strawberries with cream. And I like gooseberries. How could you, they're thorny! Ah, why are we b
orn so submissive? Men can do anything with us. How can I dare without your favour? What do you think, who is better - a man or a woman? What a comparison you have found! A chicken's not a bird, a woman's not a human. Mamma, don't bring shame on yourself. They say there are such strong horses that will never overstrain themselves! Please. Well? How was everything
between the two of you? How I love frankness about love in my friends. Ah! One minute - and I'm lost forever! Oh! Do you read newspape
rs? Yes, I do. So I want to ask you, have you read anything about Napoleon? They say that he wants to march on Moscow again? No way he could do it now. He hasn't even had time to
get settled back in at home. They write that he's still
decorating his palaces and rooms. Thank God! This way, please! And tell me just one more thing: they say that Tsar Pharaoh has begun
coming out of the sea at night! Well? With his army! He comes out and goes away again! Comes out and goes away again! They say that
this was to
happen before the end of times. Quite possible. How to live in this world? How horrible! What hard times we live in! And they say, a White Arab is rising against us... Go away, go. He leads an army of two hundred million! Go away, go, I'll call you later. Where is that White Arab from? From White Arabia. Aha... Papers don't write much about it. Such are the times! Isn't your suit too tight for you? According to the fashion. He always dresses according to the fashion. This's my Mother
. Have you heard? They say, there's some comet or planet flying on us. So, scientists looked at
the sky through the microscope and calculated with accuracy, with numbers, on what day and at what hour it will land on the Earth. Lord! Can we really know about God's planet when every bullet has its billet? What are you talking about? And what should we talk about? Mamma, don't bring shame on yourself. Do you read poetry? Erm... I read mostly sentimental poems which express love and all kind of angu
ish. You know there is so much poetry now that expresses nothing. So, I'm not interested in that. Recite something to us, we will listen. I've got a notebook for poetry at home, so I write poems down in it. If you wish, I can bring it, however, it's impossible to find good poetry nowadays. "Angry shepherd smelt... like peppered". Yushka!.. Yushka!.. Bring me a stone to crack nuts! Brother!.. Brother! Here are our new acquaintances! Hello, hello, dear sir. Would you like some tea? Erm... Melanya!
Bring us tea! Do you serve? Yes, I do. Erm... Good for you... To each his own. A merchant trades, he-he-he, a clerk serves, and an idler idles about. Oh-oh, he-he. I'm going, sir, to talk to you about our trading business. And in our trading business, oh-oh, he-he-he... Hee-hee! ...Money is an important thing. Money... Everyone likes to have money. So, whoever likes to have it should acquire it. It’s hard to make money nowadays. Aa, he-he... Especially if a man has good taste, he has to suffer.
He wants to live exquisitely, but he has no means for it. Take, for example, me... And, to my mind, a man who can't get anything shouldn't live at all, nothing to say about living in wealth. Hm... Hm-ahem... What are they to do then? Ah, to do dirty work, to dig ground. A? Ha-ha... What rank do you proudly bear, sir? The first. Oh, my! You are a long way from general! And how much do you get for your work? One hundred and twenty rubles. Well, for us this means that in one pocket is found the s
unset, in the other - the dawn is met. In Tartar it's "yuck," and in Russian it's "naught." He-he-he... Have some tea, brother, tea. Dear sir! Dear sir! Erm... Well, dear sir, my sister is dumb. Come on, brother, come on... What do you mean "come on,"
as if you were riding a horse? Brother! Brother! Most of all I'm afraid that she'll find a match as stupid as she is herself. Oh God! They have such a fortune no son-in-law will spend for ages, but they can make a poor man happy. This money was mad
e by her husband not for her wasting and spending it. Money makes business go around! Yes. She'll marry off her daughter, that's alright, but I'm sorry for the money... I'm sorry, too, brother. I'm sorry! Some young man is worth two kopecks in notes, but he'll dupe some silly girl and would even show himself off: give me, he says, this much money! Yes!.. Give me the best dowry! After such words we've got nothing to do here! Hmm. Mamma! Mamma! I don't take these words personally. No! No, do take
them personally! Here... ha-ha... Here, your mama is cleverer than you. Ha-ha... U-huh... Don't be afraid. ...She understood me at once. I am not after big money. I'd be happy to have anything. But you don't have even a kopeck to your name, anything looks like a fortune to you! In such a case, goodbye, I didn't expect it. Goodbye, goodbye! Thank you for your hospitality! Yes-yes... You are welcome, you are welcome! Come again! Our life's dull without fools! Uncle! Uncle, I'll die! Well... Oh-ho-
ho-ho... Pretend you've lost consciousness... Come on! Ah! My goodness! Oh, my goodness! What's the matter with her? Nothing! Nothing! Uh... It will pass. And I told you, Misha, that a holiday dream comes true before lunch. If I had seen it on a weekday, that would have been quite another thing. Left turn! Left turn! Well, Mamma, if I were a general... All these dreams... They're like smoke. You've interrupted me again. Why? At the most interesting moment... What are you doing, reprobate, go awa
y! Go away... reprobate, go! Garrison detachment, in single rank with besoms fall in! Oh! Have you gone insane or what? Matryona! "In a marvelous place, by a swift, clear stream,” “In the green meadow –“ “Yes, and there in the green meadow –“ “There was a green meadow.” “The sun shined in the sky,” “And the wind blew the cool air.” “In the green meadow -“ “Yes, and there in the green meadow –“ “And in that green meadow” “There a maiden appeared...” Hello, hello, my good lady! Allow not punishmen
t... ...Whoa! Whoa! But allow me to speak! There are such people in this world who never have any shame... Oh! Go! Of course, we are little people, but you ought to be ashamed of yourself. My conscience is purer than gold and as clear as crystal. It can't be helped, when you fall into such discomfiture. But I will pay you in full for this fault. To tell you the truth, I expect nothing but mockery from you. I don't have such a mean soul! If I feel guilty towards somebody, I'll do everything, pay
the damages at all costs. That is the kind of soul I have! Although, these days it's hard to live with such a virtue, my dear. I can't trust you. We're poor people, what interest do you have in us? And I'll tell you what. Whoa, whoa! A good and clever suitor will find a girl without any matchmakers. But your son is nothing without me, so I'll charge him whatever I want! Everyone acts in his own interest nowadays. What a bird I have in view now! She is a widow with a lot of money, and she is very
bored because of it. And I'll tell you even more, she had felt sort of a burden, as if she had been ill. So, she called in a doctor immediately, and the doctor told her, that she didn't need any medicine, but only some amusement and to get married by all means. And what did she do? Well, she paid him three rubles at once, she knows how to do things. No, I've asked about her marriage! Ah! She said she was not against it, but that it was hard to find a man, being a home-sitter. Hee-hee! But what
I am for, I said? And she asked me to help her. And what about her fortune? Beyond any limits! Matryona! Coachman, turn around! Get in, get in, Pavla Petrovna. Misha! Misha! My handsome young man, are you alright? And we're all fine. With our bulls and cows returning you graceful bows. Enough-enough-enough-
Enough-enough-enough... I've found a fiancée for you! Well, that's no longer necessary. Again... The end result will be the same!
I've found one myself. Where, may I ask you? Ha-ha-ha! Do you
think I'll tell you? Ha-ha-ha! Nothing will come out it! We'll live and see! Judge for yourself, what kind of fiancée do you need? Me? An ordinary one. No, not an ordinary one. Yes. Here, listen to me. You are a stupid man, and that means you... Bah, a fool you've found! You should trust my words!
I'm a woman of experience... Yes-yes. ...I won't deceive you. Why are you, Mikhailo Dmitritch, always so eager to argue about everything. Why shouldn't I argue if she's called me a fool! She knows be
tter! So what she says is true! What do you want from me? Be quiet. I am quiet. Be quiet. Have patience and listen. You are a stupid man, and that means you needn't look for a fiancée
who would be smarter than you. Of course! Right. So, you should look for a sillier one. And such a fiancée I have for you now... Why are you pestering me? Do you think you could make fun of me? Just you wait! And what will you do? I? I know what to do! I'll bring you to court! Ah... Court ... What, what are you...
What... What are you... Are you insane or what? Do you think I'm afraid? People! Ah! Akulina Gavrilovna! People! People! Good people! People! Wake up! Wake up! Let's go to court! Go away! Get out of here! What court will you bring me to? That's my affair! We'll have a special court. You'll be called there and have a verdict in no time! It's all the same to me! And what will you say in the court? What vices of mine are you going to prove? You will... you will... ...You will... Misha... ...You’ll
never find any words! And I'll say this, and I'll say that... So, they’ll judge us! They’ll write me a privilege on paper! What? What privilege? What? A privilege against you! Huh! That I'll always be better than you and higher in all things. Matryona! Madame! I'll never come here till my death! Because, my friend, bread never follows the belly. Go! Ouch! Oh! Oh... Hanging would be too good for you! To hell with you all. And I've tracked him to the place where he goes. And where? There, not far
from here. But he doesn't go straight. He goes sideways, so that the neighbours couldn't guess. If only it turned out well! Well, I think he won't succeed there either. And why do you, Matryona, think so? Not a fine figure of a man... Nothing to be tempted with! And besides he is a clerk of a low rank... And what's their surname, to whom he goes? The Pezhyonovs. What are they? Their own masters. What do you mean, their own masters? Well, on their own! You are so stupid! What are they, civil serv
ants or merchants? They buy and sell, I think. And what about their girls? Two sisters, and neither are married. They are cooped up there, like in prison. Why so? That's their brothers' order. Why such order? They're very shameless towards men. Such a shame. Pooh... Ha-ha-ha! They say it's terrible what a weakness they have for men! "Flowers in my..." "...Garden, please, I beg your pardon..." Alms, alms for the beggar... Alms... Balzaminov! What's the matter with you? I've been waiting for you!
Go round, I'll be right out. I'm, Lukyan Lukyanitch... ...Sorry, Lukyan Lukyanitch. Not good, I'm... Wait-wait-wait... Well-well-well! What is this? Asinchuk, eh? So lovely! All right, off you go, go, go! Why, Balzaminov, do you look uneasy, eh? I'm... Enough! Tell me whether
you'll do what you promised, eh? Certainly. That's right. What? Wait! Get'im! Wait! Eh? Go away! Ha-ha! Ah, come on! Chop-chop-chop! Ha-ha-ha, look how they quarrel! Huh? How they quarrel! Huh? Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Did he b
eat you up? Ha, oh, well. Please! So, as agreed, eh? Well, if I have promised something,
Lukyan Lukyanitch... Tell me something else, I know people of your sort. So now, Balzaminov, you need to dress like a shoemaker. Why?! You must be dressed like a shoemaker. There's no way round it. He gave his consent. Otherwise, how will you get in their house? And now... You'll ring at the gate, they'll open up, and you'll say, "I'm a shoemaker, I've come to measure young
ladies to make them shoes." There.
.. And there they already know about you. And they'll lead you to the young ladies right away. And what'll be after? After? Are you in love or not? Yes, I am. Then you must finally open your heart. Besides, you'll hand in the letter. Give this letter to my girl, and declare your love to yours. Tell her you'll drive her away, throw yourself to your knees, but don't confuse them with each other - mine is the elder one, yours is the younger one. Mine is Anfisa, yours is Raisa. Well... Alright! For
mercy's sake, how can I? Have you, Lukyan Lukyanitch,
opened your heart already? Me? Long ago! Will we, Lukyan Lukyanitch, drive them away soon? As soon as they agree we'll drive them away. Only, Lukyan Lukyanitch, what if we are mistaken about... ...About their money? No, I never, Mister Balzaminov,
make mistakes in such matters. But I'm not you. They are sisters. They inherited money from their father
in equal parts, do you understand me? The reason their brothers
don't marry them off is the m
oney. Well-well-well, eh? Look! A shoemaker! A real shoemaker, eh? A cobbler. A cobbler. Look at him,
very much the same, eh? Ha-ha-ha. Very much, yes? A cobbler, eh? Hey, wait-wait-wait! Look, Balzaminov, I even envy you, you know. Stop-stop, well-well-well,
ah, what a handsome steed! Stop, I say! Do you hear me? Ha-ha-ha, come on, make him rear up! Up! Ha-ha-ha, eh! I even envy you,
Balzaminov, do you understand me? You will be talking with your beloved girl, and I'll have to suffer alone. Tak
e the letter. Come on! Come on! Come on! Ha-ha-ha, come on! Ha-ha-ha! Stop! Stop! Stop! La-la-la-la-la! Go away, go! Listen, Balzaminov, but what if your
supervisor learns that you make shoes, eh? Yes... It's not good. My colleagues will wonder, too. And what if you will be flogged, eh?
Flogged! Flogged! Flogged! But what does it mean? Lukyan Lukyanitch, I won't go... How could it be? You yourself send me there and
then you say that I'll be flogged! I meant it as a joke, do you understand? Don't
you understand jokes? Ha-ha... Don't confuse them, mine is Anfisa, yours is Raisa. I don't care much. Off you go! What a dunce, eh! A perfect fool. He fancies that she'll fall in love with him. However, if you look at life, so to say, philosophically even such people are useful! Whom else can you make change into a shoemaker? And I can get one hundred and fifty
thousand rubles if things turn out well! Come on... Come on... Let me out,
please... Listen... Let me out. What a bore, Anfisa! What a
bore, Raisa! Oh my goodness, how dull it is here! It makes me want to scream. Oh! You should get married,
Anfisa, as soon as possible then you'll become free. Otherwise it's so boring to live... To get married to whom? I'd rather die than get married to those boors our brothers bring. I am sick of ignorance at home! We are to blame ourselves a little, too. How come? After our dad had died... Oh! We gave ourselves too much freedom... Yes, that was a golden time! At least we have some memorable mo
ments. Khimka! "Cestdrole"! “A mama, a mama, a madmaselle,” “Oo-la-la!” “Mon papa, je ne sais pais!” “Oo-la-la!” “Je suis un irondelle.” “Oo-la-la!” “O Paris, Suzanne toie!” “Allons, maman!” “Allons, papan!” “Allons, maman, cestdrole a le foie!” Eeh! Khimka, come on! “Allons, papan! Allons, maman!”
“Allons, maman! Cestdrole a le foie!” Ah, ah! “Allons, maman! Allons, papan!” “Allons, Maman! Cestdrole a le foie!” “Allons, maman! Allons, papan!”
“Allons, papan! Cestdrole a le foie!” Anfiska, Rais
ka, stop your "Cestdrole!" Let's go home to sleep. I've been thinking much and
this is what I've thought out: I shall run away with Lukyan Lukyanitch. What, sister? How can you! And what's wrong with it? I'll just go out and - farewell. Do I feel sorry for anybody here? Of course, while we live here, the brothers have power over us. But as soon as we are out, it's all over. And then I'll demand the money I inherited. It seems scary to be abducted. A! That's nothing, Raisa, it's not scary. In fac
t, I have already been
taken away, do you remember? I do. Ah... But then you came back pretty quick. Ooh, you snake! What? Let bygones be bygones. He has come! Ah... He has come... The shoemaker has come. What shoe...? What shoe...? What shoemaker? I don't know what shoemaker. I don't know. He says he was sent by his
friend to take measurements. Ah! Where are the brothers? They went in to sleep. Go open the gate! They will scold you. Go, go, go. I say, how brave you are! Love overcomes everythin
g. Khimka, go and stand watch! If somebody is awake in the house, let us know somehow. When did you see Lukyan Lukyanitch? I have a letter from him to you. Oh! Give it to me. "Flowers in my garden, please, I beg..." “I've got every-thing rea-dy.” “You have seen ma-ny proofs of my love.” “For your sake I aban-don-ed so-ci-ety,” “aban-don-ed my conn-ec-tions,” “for-got all the plea-sures” “and I've been li-ving for more”
“than a ye-ar in this wild land” “whe-re on-ly be-ars” “and Bal-za-mi-novs ca
n live.” “If you want us both to be hap-py,” “to-night, when it gets dark and your folks go to bed,” “you go out into the gar-de-n." Ah! "In the side stre-et at the back of your gar-den,” “I will be wai-ting for you in a carr-iage.” “Your gar-den fence is bad at one place. We...” Yes! “...Will te-ar some planks off,” “and you will be free.” “We will drive fif-teen miles to a place” “whe-re my friends are wai-ting” “and every-thing is rea-dy, even mu-sic. How-ever...” Ah, Raisa! What a noble man
he is! He steals away a girl, and all is in the proper order, even music. Well, who but a gentleman can behave like that? Of course, nobody. So, will you go, Anfisa? Of course I will, after all he's written it would be impolite not to. "How-ever, you pro-bab-ly like the way you live now?" Ah! “In that case, ex-cuse me” “for my pro-po-sal to e-lope with me.” Ah! Why does he think so low about us? “If you don't ven-ture to flee to-night, to-mo-rrow...” “...Tomorrow I will leave for the Caucasus.”
I am so grateful to you, Mister Balzaminov. I'll bring the answer right away! Sorry for keeping you waiting. This's a trifle. It's very nice! Where did she go? To write an answer. Will she be back soon? We can't do it fast, we don't have such a skill. And other than letters we write nothing. Come on, ha-ha-ha! Go away, Arab! I feel miserable nowadays... So do we! You, perhaps, have a different reason. Well, that's... ...Because ...Because we are locked up and have no entertainment! And I have an
other reason... What is your reason? I don't even sleep at night. Maybe you sleep during the day? No. Not because of that,
but because of my feelings... I feel as if I am the most miserable man in the world. Come on, don't say so! A man is always happier than a woman. As the woman is unhappy only because she is always in somebody's power. But men's unhappiness results from love. Oh! And who is the lady who happened to fascinate you? Maybe it'll be unpleasant for you to hear it? Not in the least,
quite on the contrary! In that case, allow me to tell you
that you are that lady! Ah! I say, I haven't expected this. I have no words to express my love! I would like to express it, but... I can't. And how long have you been in love with me? Since Thursday afternoon, last week. Not long! I can make it longer. Maybe you are a changeable sort of a suitor? No, I consider this as meanness in men. Ah! Well, if so, would you agree to elope with me? Lukyan Lukyanitch wants to
take away your sister as
well, so I could do it together with him. Goodbye, Mister Balzaminov! Hey! Here is the letter! Ah! Brothers! They woke up! Oh, oh, hurry! Oh, oh! Get off! Get off! Sit and help yourself! Go! Well, how soon will you find a suitor for me? Soon, my beauty, soon. Find me a good one. Even if there is a suitor under the sea I'll get him from the bottom
of the sea for your pleasure. But please make it worth my while. I will. I'm kind. Kind! Oh, she's so kind! Kind! Oh, she's so kind! Go! Do you know wh
at Moscow is talking about? People talk much, but you can't believe everything. Have you heard of any wars? All is quiet. Peace has been made everywhere. The earth is shaking in some places,
there are some rumours about that. Not good! "Jesus went unto the mount of Olives.” “And early in the morning he”
“came again into the temple,” “and all the people came unto him;” “and he sat down, and taught them.” “And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him” “a woman taken in adultery;” “and when they
had set her in the midst,”
“they say unto him..." Oh, and by the way, as a precaution
for your I need to tell you that a gang of robbers has showed up. Where are they from? From deep forests, it's said. They have iron claws on their hands and they walk on stilts. Sixteen-foot stilts! And their chieftain is dressed like a Turk. Why on stilts? Well, for speed and for horror. Maybe, they are telling tall tales? It's true, trust my words. There, do you see the fence? And their stilts are taller than
this fence! Akulina Gavrilovna! Akulina Gavrilovna! Oh, my goodness! You've scared me to death! My heart has stopped. Damn you! Where am I? And you are here! I'm here indeed, but how did you get here? Help me get out of here! Tell me, you heathen, what have you done to us? We're big ladies, anything
could have happened to us! The heart could stop - and that's the end! No, we'll tie you up and take you to the police station at once! For what? So you don't climb over fences! Tell me, how much hav
e you frightened my mistress? Eh? How? I wonder whether she is alive or not out there, eh! My God! What an unlucky man I am! Don't try to evoke pity! She's been an honest widow for almost five years! And now she wants to get married. You'll start such a rumour! She has all the right to sue you for disgrace, you'll be tried and sent to the land of no return! Do you understand? Don't frighten me! I'll give you all you want! Only don't frighten me! Alright: two thousand rubles! But where can I get
this money? You'll have it. But you should obey me and do as I tell you! This is it. Now go to the mistress and
tell her that you are in love. She's a widow and is rich beyond limits.
Do you understand? I'll shower you with gifts! Tomorrow, tomorrow we'll sign a deal. Just say that you're in love! And kiss the hand. Not my hand! Go wash yourself and come to her! Ah! Please, please don't be afraid. It's a friend coming to the mistress, by mistake... Domna Evstigneyevna! Please, don't be afraid! T
his is a friend, by mistake. Why did you...? I... I'm in love. And why over the fence? Driven by my feelings.
You aren't angry with me, are you? I'm never angry with anybody. I'm kind. What are you doing? Me? Nothing! So am I. It's so boring to do nothing all alone. It's happier when it's done in company. Of course! Much more! Do you want company? Ha! I would be completely happy! May I kiss your hand, please? Here you are. Come close, I will... Love me, and I'll love you, too! Thank you very muc
h! Oh, how cold... ...How cold is the water in your pool! The samovar is still warm, isn't it? I like him. You should... Could I please go home? ...Make him come to me every day! All is in our hands. She's a little too plump. Now you start talking? Go away! What are you doing?
Through the gate, straight ahead! Don't be afraid, no one will touch you! Kiss the hand. No! O Lord! I feel much happier now! "Rejoice! O Virgin Theotokos!” “Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with you.” “Blessed are you amo
ng women,” “and blessed is the fruit of your womb!" Pass on, pass on! Boy! Go! Go! Matryona! Matryona! Do we have a fortune teller,
a cheap one, living nearby? What do you want to ask her about? About life! About happiness! About everything! There is one, dealing with lost things. But she never says a thief's name. They'd ask her, "Who's the thief?" And she'd kind of conjure and then say, “Blame a black-haired man or a pocked one.” Besides, they say she's telling lies,
probably because of her ol
d age! No, I don't need such a one. There's no other around! What a place we live in! You can never find anything you really need! And does anybody read the cards? I don't know. Oh! What an inattentive woman you are! You have no curiosity about the world. And what for? I don't need my fortune to be told! I don't expect any heaps of gold! So I can live without any fortune telling. Well, Mamma, it's done! I've been at my girl's house! And I've been to the woman
proposed by the matchmaker! I'm gett
ing married. To whom? To both. Lord! What's the matter with you?
Are you a Tatar or what? Come to your senses! Mamma! What? Mamma! I'll hire a butler and
kick Matryona away for rudeness! This girl, what's her name... Pezhyonova,
how much does she have? A hundred and fifty thousand! Ah! And has she agreed to marry you? Both have agreed. But the first one wants to be taken away,
and the second one will stay at home. I say! Ha-ha-ha! And you know what's come to my mind, Mamma? What if Pezhyonova ge
ts the garden as a dowry? Then it would be possible to take away the fence! Well? For their gardens are neighbouring!
And make a single garden. ...With various pavilions and alleys... Do you really want to marry both of them? Well, Mamma, why do you always interrupt me? I could have dreamed at last! Never mind, keep dreaming, God be with you! Some other son might not
even speak with his mother after getting such wealth! But I'll talk with you of whatever you want. Well... No matter, I'm rich! I
still treat you with reverence! Misha! And which of them is more beautiful? For me, Mamma, all rich
marriageable girls are beauties! I can't see their faces properly. Put out your candle! It's better, Mamma, to dream in the dark. Well, now I can fancy myself as I like - in a big and beautiful chamber, and in a stately carriage, and in a garden. But if you bring a candle, I’ll immediately see myself in the poorest room, and that all is lost. Well, keep dreaming, keep dreaming! No, Mamma, I can fe
el that things start getting confused in my head. I even become scared! Why is this so? It's because I'm not used to thinking as a rich man! I've always had the thoughts of a poor man. And now all this wealth doesn't fit into my head. Mamma, and what if we built a tall tower? So tall that you could see all Moscow from it? We could even keep pigeons there! Whoa! Stop! What? You are my dear... You are my... Pardon, ma'am. I am here, Lukyan Lukyanitch! It's time! Misha, where are you going to? To t
he Pezhyonovs. I delivered a letter to them from Lukyan Lukyanitch, in which it is said we need to take them away this night. Have you made up your mind? No. I haven't decided yet. Because if I marry one of them, I'll lose the other, right? Then why are you going? Well, Mamma, what will be, will be! But I should try my fortune in any way! What do I have to do? I'll teach you! Recently you told me we need to
take the ladies away. And where are the ladies
usually brought when taken away? Anywhere!
And in what will I take her away? Listen. I'll teach you everything! Go! Go! Gee! In fact, respectable people who wish themselves well go to the lunatic asylum to see Ivan Yakovlevitch even over little things and take a counsel! And we are doing such things without any advice! They say, that even a stick can shoot once! And I'll take you to live with us! We'll go to all country houses, to all parties! I'll marry a military man, too! And what about this blond man? Why such an extreme? Then why a
re you flirting with him? Out of boredom! Aha-ha-ha! Farewell, Balzaminov! I'll put your name in the prayer papers, my dear! When are we going to elope? Go away from me! I'm bored to death with you! Help! Help! It's all because you never ask for my advice. Why hadn't you thought of where you were
going to take your fiancée and in what? In what? I was counting upon Lukyan Lukyanitch! Ah-ha-ha! Did you really think he wanted to help you? Nowadays, everybody thinks only about himself. To say the tr
uth, Mamma, I was as if in a daze. It seemed to me, that the
carriage would come out of nowhere, and then I would bring her to our house! To this house? You wouldn't believe me, Mamma, when I used to think of taking her away, I also used to fancy we had our own house! Ha! A brick house! It's a pity, Mamma, that the world is so wretched! Rich men marry rich girls, and poor men marry poor girls! Is there any justice in that? If I were the Tsar... “The Tsar's decree!” “Poor men shall marry rich wom
en,” “and rich women shall marry poor men!” “And the one who disobeys shall be put to death!” “Put to death!” Matroyna, can you read dreams? Why? Anything can happen in a dream. There can be all sorts of reversals in people's lives! One comes out of poverty into wealth, yet others - out of wealth into poverty. I have not yet seen such changes. Rich men live in wealth as before. And the poor, no matter what reversals, are still poor. Such a strange dream! As if I was at some festivities!
And so m
any people around... It means snow. In August? Ah... Then it means rain. No, not rain. Then I don't know what! If so, shut your mouth. I've shut it. And keep it shut. And I'm keeping it shut. Alright. Then I saw something sailing... What? A ship. That was your money sailing away! But at first, I saw a bridge... Ah, a bridge means that you'll
have to move out of the apartment. Wait, don't interrupt me!
And beyond the bridge there was China! I don't know what it means. But this China was neither l
and, nor hills. It looked like a lovely house! And there was a sign on it reading "China." And then out of this China came out
neither Chinese men nor women but Misha, and then he said, "Mamma, come over here, into China." And I was about to go there, when the people behind me started crying, "Don't go there, he's lying!" They said, "China is not there, China is on our side." So, I turned around and saw that China was really on our side! Just the same! And Misha was so cheerful.
He was dancing a
nd singing, “I'll go to China to have fun!”
“I'll go to China to have fun!” What did it all mean? Even if my life were at stake
I couldn't tell you what it meant! That woman the matchmaker proposed owns china shops, that's the whole story! Oh! Mamma! What? Better tell me, in which month I was born? In May! So, I may fool about all my life. Just wait, soon the matchmaker will come and bring such news that you would fall to the floor. And I never bite. I don't have this silly habit. Because I'm an
educated woman, very educated. I got my education from my deceased husband. Ask me what I haven't been beaten with? With a poker, with a log... Thrown against the stove, with a stove... No, I haven’t been beaten with a stove. Oh! Mikhailo Dmitritch! Ooh! Mikhailo Dmitritch! Ooh! Oh! Mikhailo Dmitritch! Oh, I have come from far away and at last I'm here. I was passing villages and towns, dark forests, thick underbrush! Ooh! Steep riverbanks! My throat went dry! My tongue got tired! The musketeer
has shot a white swan! I have the honour to congratulate you, from tomorrow on you may have a wedding! Stop! Stop! I'll be right back! Mamma! Mamma! What? Mamma, you should watch that I don't do anything with myself! What's happened? Mamma! My goodness, am I not
a Balzaminov anymore, but another man? And you said that I was a fool. I won't go back on my words even now! Ha-ha-ha! Misha, don't take offence, you needn't be clever! Just live happily! Having money, we can live
very well without brai
ns! Ahaha! Mamma! Mama, just recently I felt ashamed that they said I was neither rich, nor clever! And now let them say that I am a fool! Let them say it! I am a fool! I'm a fool! A fool! A fool! A fool! Ha-ha-ha! Alms, my dear! Alms, for Christ's sake! "Flowers in my..." The end.
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