your favorite auntie is back to straighten out America because America needs me Lord have mercy the election is now less than eight months away and guess what America is on the path to doing something really really stupid new Fox News polls finding former president Trump leading President Biden by Five Points nationally in a head-to-head matchup this is his biggest lead yet against Joe Biden just over half of those voters said that they are worse off today than compared to 2020 a new CBS News po
ll shows 46% of registered voters remember the Trump era presidency as excellent or good compared to President Biden's 33% if the election were held today even Democrats I know think that Trump would win what the is wrong with us seriously this this is like a movie where you see the disaster coming from a mile away and nobody is stopping it every time I turn on the news I'm shouting at the screen like like it's a horror movie don't go in there America Lea fa is in there America I mean are we goi
ng to really bring back a man who tried to overthrow the government this is like ask asking Jeffrey upstein to watch your kids or a pedophile priest to watch your kids or that sick who used to work at Nickelodeon to watch your kids hey how about we do this don't let anybody watch your kid and listen I know some people don't care about January 6 but let me remind you about something real quick he was also a terrible president before do you really not remember I I know we don't have the attention
spans anymore but how can you forget the man who wanted to Nuke a hurricane that actually happened and the thing that gets me the most is there are people who are saying we're worse off than we were in 2020 in 2020 we didn't even have toilet paper we was wiping our ass with family [Laughter] photos and listen I know the pandemic wasn't Trump's fault but Trump made it worse every chance he got don't you people remember the kind of advice he was giving us president Trump suggested without facts th
at bleach injections might fight covid and then I see the disinfectant where it knocks it out in a minute one minute and is there a way we can do something like that uh by injection inside or or almost a cleaning he told us to inject ourselves we're dis injected we turn to him for advice and dude was like kill yourself I can go on and on about why it would be a terrible idea to bring back Trump but you know what I guess I shouldn't be surprised that America is about to do something that we know
is harmful to us because that is what we always do look at how we treat our own bodies we know we need to sleep eight hours a night but we stay up all night scrolling onto our phone until it falls on our damn face we know we should take care of our mental health but we entertain ourselves by watching document of serial killers we know we should go to the doctor but instead we get medical advice from the internet listen listen I'm guilty of it too when when I feel sick I look up symptoms on WebMD
I know it's irresponsible but I can't control myself probably because I'm dying of scurvy we we are constantly making decisions that we know are bad for us we know we should be eating healthy but instead we eat like we're out here eating double stuffed Oreos and Triple Decker sandwiches we stack our food like a Jenga you know what has only one layer a goddamn carrot just just look at the lens we go just look at the lens we go to for fast food look at it well this week we learned the answer to t
he age-old question how long would you wait in line just for an In-N-Out Burger at the store's first location in Idaho some patrons had to wait as long as 8 hours this week's opening uh featured customers even braving cold temperatures to camp out overnight just to be the first in line you disgusting gluttonous mother 8 hours I I'm not a mathematician but if you're waiting eight hours for fast food it ain't fast food no more unbelievable some of the stuff we eat shouldn't even be legal in fact i
n some countries it's not legal there's that's been banned in Europe because it gives you cancer and we're like nah we good because we don't care enough to make good decisions it's even acceptable in America to binge drink as an adult listen it's cute at 21 but baby at 45 that's called [Applause] alcoholism and after eating like we know we should be exercising but in instead we doing like this and next you've always wanted six-pack abs but can't seem to get to the gym now there's a shortcut for
that researchers at the University of Miami have developed a new plastic surgery technique called abdominal etching it can reshape belly fat to make you look like you spent a lot of time at the gym tools and some foam this is surgery are used to sculpt abdominal fat to accentuate muscle lines typically six for men and three vertical lines for women Jesus wept what is wrong with you people you can't trick people into thinking that you got fake abs that's why we got Spanx I can't believe that this
is what we got our scientists working on forget about curing diseases we got to make Jordan look like he doing situps I um uh uh maybe we use a different name for that joke no I think that's a good name I think I think it makes the joke perfect like Paul or Steve or just great I mean there's a lot of but it's not just [Applause] Jordan we all make wrong decisions from food to exercise to mental health last but not Le least most importantly we know we shouldn't be dating DJs but here I am swipin
g right on every guy with DJ in his bio now I'm on the third hour of listening to his new song and the beat still hasn't dropped drop theing beat DJ Andre I got to go get some sleep so here's an idea America how about for at least this election for this one thing let's not do the obviously stupid thing that we know we shouldn't do and that means you're going to have to put in some effort it means getting involved in the political process it means not sitting on your ass fast just because you're
not in love with the choices I know you like fast food but this time let's eat a carrot instead of voting for a guy who looks like a [Music] carrot
Comments