(gentle piano music)
- Should we clap along? (crowd cheers)
(crowd clapping) All right, let's lose that. I hate it. (upbeat hiphop beats) - Guys, I got a lot of
problems in my life. I wrote a song about some
of the problems in my life. Hopefully some of you can relate to it. Here we go. (gentle piano music) ♪ Walking around ♪ ♪ I got no one to talk to ♪ ♪ There's every one ♪ ♪ And then there's just me ♪ ♪ If I could change, don't
you think that I'd do it ♪ ♪ God only knows why he
cursed through
me to be ♪ ♪ A straight white man ♪ (laughter) ♪ I state my problems, other
people roll their eyes ♪ ♪ Three trips to the mall,
zero khakis in my size ♪ ♪ I've never been the victim
of a random search for drugs ♪ ♪ But you can't say my life is easy ♪ ♪ Until you've walked a mile in my ass ♪ (laughter) ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The gays want kids ♪ What?
(laughter) ♪ Can't you just leave us alone ♪ ♪ And also, No to the
things you ask
ed for ♪ (laughter) They're being greedy
and they know it, okay? (laughter) (piano music continues) (abrupt breathing) ♪ Everyone thinks that I've got it easy ♪ ♪ And just because it's true,
doesn't mean that it's right ♪ ♪ So pull up a chair, put
down your pitch forks ♪ ♪ Give me a chance to
show you what it is like ♪ ♪ To be a straight white man ♪ ♪ The church has never made
me feel ashamed of who I am ♪ ♪ But I get emails from Zappos ♪ ♪ That Gmail doesn't mark a spell ♪ ♪ My country's consti
tution
was handwritten by my race ♪ ♪ But my wife bought me
the brand new iPhone ♪ ♪ With an iPod Touch's case ♪ Case doesn't fit that phone!
(laughter) ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The blacks want not to
be called the blacks ♪ (laughter) Sorry. ♪ Can't you just leave us alone ♪ ♪ Also, No to the things you asked for ♪ (spirited piano music) ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The Afr
ican Ame... ♪ It doesn't work with the rhythm. (laughter) ♪ We used to have all the money and land ♪ ♪ And we still do, but
it's not as fun now ♪ (laughter)
(crowd applauds) Thank you. - I did an interview with this guy once, and he was so rude. He did not want to be
talking to me at all. And at the end of the interview, he goes, "All right, I have one final question. I interview a lot of comedians. Is there a reason why they're
funny and you're not?" True story, he said that. And in my head, I
was like, "Well, is there a reason
why you're a dick?" But I didn't say that,
because there are kids here. (laughter) I said something better. He said, "Is there a reason
why comedians are funny, and you're not?" and I said, "Thank you."
(laughter) So, I'm very uncomfortable when it comes to confrontation and hate, but I'm a little bit better at it when I can hide behind
my camera, like a coward. So I write songs about
the hate that I get, and I would love to sing
one for you guys tonight, if th
at's cool.
(crowd cheers) Yes! Awesome. I got mu ukulele!
(crowd cheers) So, I have to warn you. All of the lyrics to this
song are hate comments that I have received. So, there's a lot of bad words, and there is some crude
language in this song. So, to all of the mothers that
I'm about to offend, um... Thank you.
(laughter) ♪ Why are you a YouTuber? ♪ ♪ I'm not a hater, I just hate your vids ♪ ♪ And your voice ♪ ♪ You look uglier than
my ass, no offense ♪ (laughter) ♪ Does she have cancer ♪ ♪ '
Cause I don't want to
make fun of her if she does ♪ ♪ She's so f-ing annoying ♪ ♪ Your clothes are so ugly ♪ ♪ Maybe you need to go
into a model class ♪ ♪ Your clothes are like pajamas ♪ ♪ You don't know what you're wearing ♪ ♪ You look good to you,
you look bad to me ♪ (laughter) ♪ Roses are red, violets are blue ♪ ♪ PornHub is down, Colleen
Ballinger will do ♪ ♪ Her face is a ripoff, so sad ♪ ♪ Nice fonking forehead ♪ ♪ Butt ♪ ♪ Head ♪ ♪ Totally stupid ♪ ♪ I hate you with a passion, thumbs up
♪ ♪ Her face scares me,
she needs more makeup ♪ ♪ She has a uniboob ♪ ♪ I'm pretty sure her vagina
smells like cat food ♪ That one's accurate.
(laughter) ♪ You might think that I'm hurt ♪ ♪ Or I'm feeling abused ♪ ♪ But I'm not, I'm getting paid
from your commenting views ♪ ♪ So keep the comments
coming, but here's some help ♪ ♪ Before you go insulting people
maybe learn how to spell ♪ ♪ Dum da dum ♪ ♪ Dum da dum ♪ ♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪ ♪ You sound so dumb ♪ ♪ What the duck is wrong
with her face? ♪ ♪ Duck, duck, duck ♪ ♪ There are eight year
olds, watching this ♪ ♪ She looks fat, but still pretty ♪ ♪ I think she might be a dude ♪ ♪ You remind me of a raisin ♪ ♪ 'Cause you have wrinkles
and everyone hates you ♪ ♪ You look like Maranda,
you look like Maretta. ♪ ♪ Are you Mirinda? Are you Amanda? ♪ ♪ Are you Miranda? Are
you a marinade sings? ♪ No offense. You know, I'm not a
marinade, so, none taken. ♪ You might think that I'm
hurt or I'm feeling abused ♪ ♪ But I'm not, I'm
getting paid
from your commenting views ♪ ♪ So keep the comments
coming, but here's some help ♪ ♪ Before you go insulting people,
maybe learn how to spell ♪ ♪ Dum da dum ♪ ♪ Dum da dum ♪ ♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪ ♪ You sound so dumb ♪ Everybody! ♪ Dum da dum ♪ There you go. ♪ Dum da dum ♪ ♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪ ♪ You sound so dumb ♪ One more time! ♪ Dum da dum ♪ ♪ Dum da dum ♪ ♪ You sound so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪ ♪ You sound so dumb ♪ (crowd cheers)
There you go! (gentle piano mu
sic)
(crowd cheering) - More dancing
(crowd cheering) ♪ Yeah, let's hear you, Ohio ♪ ♪ Ohio ♪
(crowd cheering) Yes, so, here we go. Here we go, here we go. Should we clap along? (crowd clapping) All right, let's lose that. I hate it.
(laughter) Sorry.
(laughter) You were right on it, I just, it's a thing of mine, man. I don't fucking like that shit. It was startling me.
(laughter) ♪ Well, we all know a guy
who shaves his chest ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who
wears a leather vest ♪ ♪ We all know a guy
who
knows a lot about coffee ♪ (laughter) ♪ We all know a stud
who would fight anyone ♪ ♪ We all know a fool who
wears his hair in a bun ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who says ♪ ♪ He fucked his babysitter
when he was 12 ♪ (laughter) ♪ And we all know a guy
away as much cologne ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who's
better when he's stoned ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who hugs
his wife five seconds too long ♪ (laughter) ♪ Well, we all know a guy
who's starting a band ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who's missing a hand ♪ ♪ We all k
now a guy who doesn't work ♪ ♪ But still goes twice a year to Ibiza ♪ (laughter) ♪ We all know a guy who
said he almost went broke ♪ ♪ We all know a guy with a red afro ♪ ♪ We all know a guy whose dick
color doesn't match his body ♪ (laughter) ♪ We all know a guy whose
hair always looks wet ♪ ♪ We all know a guy with a pig as a pet ♪ ♪ We all know a guy who knows a guy ♪ ♪ Who says he knows Guy Fieri ♪ (laughter) ♪ And we all know a guy
where the weird allergies ♪ ♪ We all know a guy
who sneezes
in threes ♪ ♪ So, how come we don't
know who my real father is ♪ (laughter)
Yo! Thank you.
(upbeat hiphop beats)
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