- I have some useful advice for all my Asian American
brothers and sisters. (crowd cheers) Never go paint balling
with a Vietnam veteran (upbeat music) Because when you are a woman
with money, power, and respect your romantic options do not expand. (crowd laughs) They decline. Now, I am told it's
because men are threatened by women with money, power, and respect. What you think is gonna
happen to you, huh? You think your dick is gonna get acquired in a hostile takeover? (crowd laughs) At the mos
t men in this theater have never ever had your dick sucked by a woman that makes a
lot more money than you. And let me tell you something,
it is spectacular, okay? (crowd laughs) It is. Why wouldn't it be? If she got the skills to earn
money, power, and respect. You don't think she got
good pattern recognition? (crowd laughs) Those skills transfer. You should feel so lucky, so flattered so blessed and highly favored. If you ever had the opportunity
to get your dick sucked by a woman, that makes
a
lot more money than you. Because out of all the
things this important woman could be doing with her valuable time. A lot of people like to ask me, Ali how on earth do you
balance family and career? Men never get asked that question because they don't. (crowd laughs) I have a hoarding problem which I'm hoping is the center
of all of my other problems. I'm hoping if the hoarding goes away the HPV will also disappear. I have a hoarding problem because my mom is from a third world
country and she
taught me that you can never throw
away anything because you never know when a dictator's
gonna overtake the country and snatch all of your wealth. So you better hold onto that
retainer from the third grade 'cause it might come in handy as a shovel when you're busy stuffing gold up your butt and running
away from the communists. The last time I was at
home in San Francisco I was trying to help her get rid of shit. Don't ever do that with your mom. It was like the worst
experience of my life. It
was so emotional. We were screaming and fighting
and yelling, and it all came to a climax when she refused to let go of a Texas Instruments TI82 manual. (crowd laughs) The Manuel, she don't even
know where the calculator is. Those of you under 25 probably don't know
what that calculator is. It was this calculator that
bamboozled my generation. We were all required to buy it
when we were in eighth grade. It cost like $200. And everybody thought it was
like this Judy Jetson's laptop from the futur
e, all because
what? It could graph. (crowd laughs) It was like the Tesla of my time. House Hunters is a show on
HGTV where a couple pretends that there's a decision
to be made together (crowd laughs) and they go on this fake ass journey looking at three different houses and the audience is meant
to be left in suspense. Which house are they gonna choose? It's whichever one Barbara
wanted in the first place, okay? And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho or wherever the these HGTV
shows are filmed
where houses cost $5,000 an acre. (crowd laughs) Barbara, she don't got
money, power, or respect but Barbara is a woman and all women are very good
at being extremely unpleasant. (crowd laughs) A lot of young women have
anxiety about giving birth. Well, let me tell you something. Giving birth ain't nothing
compared to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is brutal. It is chronic, physical torture. I thought it was supposed
to be this beautiful bonding ceremony where I
would feel like I was sitting on a
lily pad in a meadow
and bunnies would gather at my feet while the
fat Hawaiian man version of "Somewhere Over The
Rainbow" would play. (vocalizes) No, it's not like that at all. Breastfeeding is the savage
ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now. It don't belong to you no more. When my baby girl would get hungry she'd yank my nipple
back and forth like that bear fucking up Leonardo
DiCaprio in "The Revenant". (crowd laughs) It's frightening I saw that
movie and my nipples
were like, I feel you, Leo. I do write for "Fresh
Off the Boat" on ABC. Yeah, which is, it's a great show. I love it a lot. I love my coworkers. It's a great writing staff. And in terms of day jobs it's probably one of the
best you could ask for. But I still gotta work
at a office every day which means I gotta shit
in a office every day. Housewives, they don't
gotta shit in a office. Housewives get to shit in
their house, skin to seat. They don't gotta use that
horrible toilet paper cover. They
don't gotta, (crowd laughs) 10 times a day every day like you're about to eat a sad ass meal. They don't gotta do that. They don't gotta use
that one ply toilet paper that office toilet paper
that they purposely make difficult to pull out. They try to ration me with
their communist toilet paper that's not even effective. It basically just
dehydrates your butt hole. It's basically like wiping
your butt with the desert. I literally spat on my
toilet paper two days ago to try to make a MacGyver
ba
by wipe to moist in it and then it backfired
because my fingers broke through and digitally stimulated
more doo doo to come out. And then I have to start all over again. (crowd laughs) And you can never finish wiping at work because you always feel
rush 'cause you're paranoid that your coworker's
gonna recognize your shoes underneath the stall. And you're like, "Oh no,
Courtney's listening. She's waiting, she's timing me." And then you hurry, hurry, hurry. And then you never finish wiping. And t
hen your feels caked
in doo doo all day long. And then if you dare scratch yourself your underwear at the end of the day it looks like it's been
run over by the goonies. (crowd laughs) Housewives, they don't
gotta muffle their shit too. They don't gotta worry
about the velocity with which their doo doo comes out. They don't gotta try to, you know squeeze the butt cheeks
together to make sure that the doo doo comes
out at a slow and steady pace so that no
unpredictable noise suddenly escapes and
brings you deep, deep shame. Housewives are free to
just blow ass into the toilet and let it echo
and reverberate to the ends of their hallways
while watching as much Netflix on their iPad as they want. They don't gotta take these
boring, repressed shits. They can listen to podcasts, planning money. They could do whatever they want. So then a GI specialist was called in and I saw her look at the
results and she went like this. (crowd laughs) And then she turns to
me and says, "Ms. Wong, I am so
sorry that I gasped
in front of your face. That was so unprofessional of me. I know exactly who you are. Please do not talk about how
I just did that on stage." (crowd laughs) "But you know, I have to admit that I'm clearly alarmed by what I see here. You are backed up well
into your small intestine and I'm almost certain that
there is some sort of mass and most likely a tumor that's
causing all of this blockage. So we're gonna have to
perform a colonoscopy to see what's going on in there." I wa
s like, "Why? you
guys just did a CT scan." And she was like, "Yes, it
is true that the whole point of a CT scan is to see inside of your body but the lasers couldn't
penetrate the great wall of shit that's inside of you. And they just ricocheted bounced back into the machine and now
the machine is shook, so we're gonna have to stick a camera up your ass." And I was so nervous, but what
I didn't know was that right before the procedure,
they give you propofol. And I have to say that as
a working
mother of two, getting to take a drug-induced nap for an hour was well worth
having a news crew up my butt. When my baby girl was first born I would do skin on skin contact
every day to bond with her. (crowd laughs) She shit on my chest. (crowd laughs) Where's my confetti at? (crowd laughs) I broke up with my last boyfriend because he refused to put it in the back. I was like, you're an idiot dude. Do you realize that if I went on Craigslist and posted tiny
Asian female seeking anal the interne
t would crash? A lot of people also
often ask me, "Ali, what on earth do your parents think
about your standup comedy?" Now that's a very racially
charged question, right? Like what they're really
asking is what do your oppressive Asian parents, who
beat you with the SAT book until your fingers bled
from playing the cello, think about your butt hole licking jokes. (crowd laughs) My older sister is an
unemployed lesbian who lives on my mother's property, so I can do whatever I want. (crowd cheers
) Yeah, whatever I want. I could take a shit on
this stage right now and my mom would be like, "You bring so much honor to our family." (crowd laughs) "I am so proud of you, my golden child." And then a lot of people
also seem to wonder, "Ali, now that you have a daughter,
are you gonna tone it down?" Here's the thing, just
because you became a parent doesn't mean you grew up. (crowd laughs) Yeah, bro-y dudes become bro-y dads. I'm the same piece of
shit that I always was before I became a mom.
Now just with more responsibility and I'm barely rising to the occasion. (crowd laughs)
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