Do you ever worry that your child might
come across as selfish for not wanting to share their toys? While kindness is so
important to build positive relationships, it's equally important to teach our children
the difference between genuine kindness and people-pleasing. Kindness is all about showing
genuine care and concern for others. On the other hand, people-pleasing occurs when
you do things in order to avoid conflict, gain others' approval, and neglect your
own needs and feelings becau
se of that. It's important to note that encouraging children
to be people-pleasers is usually unintentional. We naturally want to see our kids being well-liked
and accepted by others, but we can unconsciously promote this people-pleasing behavior. And
this can lead to negative consequences such as low self-esteem, lack of assertiveness, and
difficulty making decisions based on our needs. In my case, I was a people-pleaser because I
wanted to be accepted by others, and this led to toxic frie
ndships that later on evolved to abuse.
And for children on the autism spectrum, distinguishing between kindness
and people-pleasing is even more challenging. This is because of the
theory of mind, which is the ability to understand that other people also have
feelings, to understand social cues and intentions. Listening and validating children's
boundaries are crucial to teach them that it's okay to prioritize their own feelings and that
they don't have to say yes to please others. I'm goi
ng to give an example that often happens
to families. Let's say that your child is invited to a friend's birthday party, and you get
all excited because finally they were being invited to join their friends. But the child
doesn't feel comfortable going. The child says, "I don't want to go." Wrong answer number
one: "You will be fine, just go and have fun." Wrong answer number two: "Ah, your
friend will be sad if you don't go." Right answer: "It's okay, let's find
something else to do toget
her instead" validating a child's boundaries involves
acknowledging their needs and feelings while still setting appropriate limits
and consequences when necessary. Teach your child that it's okay to show kindness
by thinking about others' feelings. It's not okay, to not consider own feelings and to share if you
don't feel comfortable. It's okay to show kindness by taking responsibility for our actions and showing concerns for the other person's feelings It's not okay to apologize excessivel
y
or to apologize for things that aren't our fault. it's okay to show kindness by offering
our time and energy to assist others. It's not okay to help others
if we are feeling uncomfortable doing so or if it interferes with our
own priorities and responsibilities. One thing to note is that we are not being
permissive. We have our limits that we can teach our children, but not at the expense of
the children's feelings. Also, we are not raising selfish kids. We are raising kind kids who are
assertive of their own feelings. I have a video explaining how to teach kindness to kids and also
a video about my recommendations of books that I think are incredible to teach kindness. Thank
you very much for watching, and if you think this video was helpful in any way, please don't
forget to give me a thumbs up and subscribe. Bye!
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