Comedians on Love: Jokes about Love for Valentine's Day | Netflix Is A Joke

- One of the guys is newly in love, too. Justin, newly in love. And usually newly in love people are really on board, because everything's rainbows and butterflies for them. Like, every day Justin's like, "I'm in love!" I go, "That's great, did you eat her ass?" And he's like, "No." I said, "So you don't like her?" And he was like, "No, I do!" And I said, "No you don't." "If you did, you'd give her the sweetest kiss of all." And he goes, "That's where she shits." I was like, "Yeah, don't do it t

hen." - Halfway through the Disney movie, this little girl, she's six years old, she comes running up to me in the kitchen and she goes, "Taylor, what does being in love feel like?" And it's tough, you know? 'Cause like, how do you even begin to explain love to a child that young? How do you even begin to explain romance and courtship? You know, it's complicated. There's an app and you gotta download it, and swipe. There's like a whole resume you have to fill out. Take a picture from up here, Fa

cetune it. That's another app, okay? But I didn't wanna lie to her, and I wanted to relate it to something she would've understood, something that she would've experienced in her young life. So I thought about it and I said, "Being in love "is sort of like... "Okay, do you remember when you got lost "at the grocery store? "That was scary, right? "But then do you remember how you felt, "when you finally found your mom? "How safe and happy and relieved you were? "And how you ran up to her, and you

grabbed her leg, "and then you looked up, and it wasn't your mom?" That's kinda what it's like out here, yeah. You think you know somebody? Turns out it's just some stranger with your mom's knees. Trust no one, swipe left! - You know what I love about relationship people? I love how they tell the story of how they met their person. You know what I'm talking about? It's a very specific type of storytelling where it's like, "And we've been together ever since!" That's like a fun way to tell a sto

ry, right? But I don't think it's fair that frustrated single people can't share their stories in the same manner, right? Like, those are more relatable stories. Like, I would love to hear a woman tell a story like this. So Rachel's like, "Come get a drink. "Come get a drink, come get a drink." I'm like, "No, I'm not coming out tonight." She's like, "You never come out. "How are you gonna meet someone if you never come out?" So I'm like, "Fine." So we go to the bar, and there's this really cute

guy. He's sitting by himself, and he's drinking a whiskey. And Rachel's like, "Go talk to him, go talk to him!" I'm like, "No, I'm not saying anything." She's like, "You go talk to him or "I'm gonna talk to him for you." So I'm like, "Fine." So I walk over... And I go, "Well hey, are you waiting on someone?" And he goes, "Yeah, I'm waiting on my girlfriend." So I sat back down, and I haven't seen him ever since. - We've been together my entire life. We started dating when I was like 21, I'm 37 n

ow. Like, I went from like my mom to her. So I don't even know what it feels like to not have some lady be like, "I don't know if I would do that." And now we have a daughter, so I'll never know. I'll never know. We get in fights still. And when you're married for a long time, fighting is just, it can happen. It's open 24 hours, basically, at any time. We got in a fight recently at 3:00 AM. We woke up to get in this fight. We have a dog, and our dog like, freaks out when it thunders. And so we h

ave sedatives to give her, because there's only so many times you can tell a dog it's just thunder before you're like, "She's not getting it," you know? And you're like, "Just take this, all right?" So I woke up, I had to wake my wife up, and I was like, "Hey, where are the sedatives at?" And she was like, "They're at the top of the cabinet." So I go get 'em, I looked at the bottle, and the bottle said they were expired. So I had to wake my wife back up and I was like, "Hey, these say they're ex

pired." And she was like, annoyed. She was like, "They're not expired, all right? "They're new pills in an old pill bottle." And I was like, "All right, I should've thought of that. "That's my fault." I mean, we have people come to our house all the time, and they get milk and they're like, "Is this milk expired?" And I have to go, "That's new milk in an old milk jug. "Are you the stupidest person I've ever met? "Why would you not assume that's what it is?" - I've been married now to the same wo

man for 22 years. Thank you. You don't know what I'm going through. No, she's great, of course. 22 years, she's the best. I love her to death. You know, I'm not gonna be up here attacking marriage. I'm not, I believe in marriage. I really do. I think it's a hard life to get through, and you can find someone else, and partner up and get through it all, it's good. It can make your life a lot better, if you find the right person, of course. And lower your expectations of what you're gonna get out o

f it. You'll be very happily married. And I don't mean to demean it when I say lower your expectations, I really don't. I think that's why people get divorced. I think they have too high of an expectation, what they're gonna get out of this one relationship. Eh, it's not that much. Don't put so much pressure on it, and keep your eyes open when you're going into it in the first place! Don't be dumb about it. You gotta be smart. I have a friend that's thinking about getting married. He's so dumb,

the way he's talking. He's a moron! He's been with the girl for five years, and these things he talks about. "Oh, she's nice. "Her family's pretty cool. "She's smart, but I don't know if she's hot enough. "I don't know, you're talking about getting married. "Is she hot enough?" Are you high?! Hot enough? You're talking about getting married for the rest of your life. You don't care about hot, you don't marry hot, you marry strong! You don't want a supermodel, you want someone who can pick up the

other end of the couch! - I am currently engaged! Yeah! Yes! Her name is Jax, and she is a kindergarten teacher. It's a beautiful relationship. And I'll tell you, when I knew Jax was the one. It was very early on in our relationship. We were sitting on the couch, we were watching one of our other favorite shows, "Dateline." And it was a classic tale of, "They met online," murder. And you know, when you're in an early relationship, and you're watching something like that, you kinda start... Side

-eyeing the person you're with. "Are you like that?" And we're both thinking it. And at the same time, we blurted out, "Promise me you'll never murder me!" And because it was a new relationship, I'm like, you were thinking that? I was thinking that! Oh my God, we have so much in common! And we made a pact right then and there, that we would never murder each other. We did! - Love hard or get the fuck out, okay? You hear me? I'm telling you right now, if you are in a relationship, all you should

be doing is fucking and going places. That's all you should be doing! Having sex and traveling, fucking and going places. You should be coming and going! - Oh my God, I'm so glad I am not on the market anymore. I am happily taken, I have a boyfriend! Who in here is in love? Yeah! Do you hear how happy we sound? It's amazing. Yeah, I love my boyfriend so much. He's my soulmate. But I will say there is just one little issue with him, and that is that he is... White, ooh! But don't worry, he is one

of the ones who's like, "I'm sorry," you know? He feels worse about it than I do. He is white, but on any given night, he does have a little bit of Asian DNA in him. Hey-o! Yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh, he hates that joke. But he is the bottom, so he has to take it. - My husband and I have been together for 19 years, right? And the success of our relationship is 100% based on distance. And being away from each other. We are so good at missing each other. So good at it! But then lockdown happened, and

he was everywhere! All the fucking time! If his face wasn't here, his dick was here. It's too much! - I used to like sit and wonder like, who would my dream girl be, right? And I love cars, I really like cars. And I would always envision my dream girl would be a girl who races cars illegally, because that's the hot part. It'd probably be even hotter if she was also illegal. Yeah, because when she's speeding, she's really risking it. I'd like a girl who she drives, she takes the wheel. You know,

I wanna be passenger prince for once. I would love to be with a girl who, she's like, she's leaning on her car, you know? She's chilling, all badass. And her enemies are rolling up on us. She's like, "Ralph!" I'm back here, I pumped the shotgun. I'm like, "Here you go, babe!" - My husband, the love of my life, we have sex sometimes. And married people, have you found this? We have found that the best weekday to have sex is always tomorrow. Is that when you guys have sex? We're like, we ate toda

y. Maybe we won't eat tomorrow, and that'll be a big day for us. Yeah, we'll definitely fuck each other tomorrow. And then you do it, and you act like you went on some excursion, like you were bowling. Like, "That was fun! "We have to remember we like doing that." "We should bowl more." "Why don't we bowl?" If it were up to me, I'd bowl once a week, right? You too, right? Yeah, tomorrow, tomorrow. - Only been married for four years. But in that short time, I have figured out what marriage is. No

tice how everyone's silent. All the long haulers are like, "Let's hear it, missy!" Marriage is every morning, for the rest of your life, waking up next to someone and having to hear a full report of how that person slept. And if you don't act like this information is new... And interesting... You are a monster. My husband does not sleep well. I know my husband does not sleep well, because I sleep next to my husband! Part of my wifely duties is every morning, I must play the part, I must get into

character. I wake up, I see him. "Oh!" "How did you sleep? "My Lord?"