CORRECTIONS Episode 98: Week of Monday, March 4

-What did the llama say to his wife before they left on vacation? I'll-pack-us. [ Alpacas ] [ Laughter ] I want the 100th episode to be really great, and I'm worried it's not going to be, so my goal is to bring the quality down for these next two so that 100 will look -- will sort of pop in comparison, and so... felt like I needed a punny llama alpaca joke to open things up, so... Walked over to Baze's office this morning, and I think... [ Laughter ] ...my man came through again. Only two more "

Corrections" until 100, which means two things -- one, I'm out, and two, that syndication money starts rolling in. Whoo-ooh! A bidding war! Nobody -- nobody at this network believed in us when we said we were going to do "Corrections". Nobody -- sorry, nobody in this network believed us when we said we were going to do "Corrections". I said, "We're going to do "Corrections", "and you don't think it'll work." And they said, "We don't -- it's immaterial whether it works. "We just don't understand

why." Hey, you know, I started last week's "Correction" -- I talked slow on purpose for a joke, and someone said, "That reminded me of how you talked "when you used to do a standing monologue." [ Laughter ] Someone else said it didn't work as a bit because I talked slow, but the crew laughs were fast when you heard them. And I knew that would be a problem, and we tried to rehearse all week, and I tried to teach the crew how to laugh slow. And the problem was if -- when Buck laughs differently, t

he lights start to flicker and there was like a tiny little tear in the universe. It turns out Buck's laugh's pretty integral to everything. It's like a metronomic effect on the universe. If he laughs slower, like Ben Franklin comes in, he's like, "What are these dark arts?" And... [ Laughter ] [ Clears throat ] Um, a Jackal named Megan -- again, we're trying to use our names -- uh, sent me this very thoughtful, uh, keychain. Uh, the problem is, I don't carry keys. I open doors with -- there's n

o easy way to say this -- I open doors with fame and money. [ Laughter ] Hm. [ Clears throat ] Someone said, my Biden sounds like Andy Samberg doing a Wahlberg. That is Samberg doing Mark Wahlberg. Very unfair. "We got the best economy in the world." "No lie, no lie." "Say hi to your mother for me --" Okay, it is. [ Laughter ] Someone said stop using "Corrections" to ruin movies. And I couldn't for the life of me fi-- Did I ruin the ending of "Free Willy"? [ Laughter ] Did you think Willy didn't

make it... in the kids' movie "Free Willy"? You thought the whale died in "Free Willy"? Give me a break. [ Laughter ] We changed the podcast tag based on my instructions to Lederman last week, and a bunch of you said it's really bad and wonky. In Lederman's defense, he sent it to me and said, "How does it look?" And I said, "It looks great," and I definitely didn't watch it. [ Laughter ] As per my MO. [ Laughter ] But everybody's like, "We don't like it." We don't want to hear about the new pod

cast. So great. You don't want to hear about it? Here's the new -- Lederman, this is the new tag. Ready? [ Laughter ] Or don't. [ Laughter ] By the way, "Corrections" has a podcast. That is not a joke. I mean, it's a joke that it's a podcast, but it does actually exist. It is just the audio of all these "Corrections". So if you thought it could get denser and harder to enjoy, do listen to a bunch of sight gag-dependent jokes. [ Laughter ] I don't know where you can find it, but I'll tell you whe

re you can't find it -- on the podcast charts. [ Laughter ] There was never lead in pencils. There was a time when people thought graphite was lead hundreds of years ago, and that is because back then, people were [Bleep] stupid. [ Laughter ] So you were never at risk... of lead poisoning from pencils. Except... ...there was lead in the paint. Well, what do you mean legal says we can't clear the clip? [ Laughter ] Yeah, but a friend of mine is in that movie, and he said we could use it. Well, I

don't want to say which friend. [ Laughter ] Who does he play? Well, it's like two parts. I don't want to get into it. Um... [ Laughter ] Yeah, but the problem is, we don't have, like... [ Laughter ] We don't have a clip we own of a drink dropping, which I feel like is really -- oh, wait, you know what? Actually, sorry. [ Clears throat ] Except... there's lead in the paint. So this is real -- [ Speaking in slow motion ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Verbal Kint is Keyser Söze Ruzin -- ruined that for you. [ L

aughter ] Uh, mentioned that Zoe and Michael were married last weekend, a couple of staffers here on the show. Congratulations to them. I heard it was great. They were married by our security guard, John O'Malley, who went out, got a certificate so that he could legally oversee the proceedings. And while I heard he was great and it was very sweet that he did that, the fallout has been a disaster. [ Laughter ] Um... There's no easy way to say this -- John has been marrying late night staffers all

week without their consent, against their will, with no forethought as to their chemistry or the long-term plans. He married Donna and Kenny, and it is... [ Laughter ] ...not going well. Amber and Scollins. And look, I get that Amber was upset about it, but I still think her vows use the word "bitch" way too much. [ Laughter ] And I tried to stop it. I brought John into my office, and I was like, "John," like, uh, "on whose authority are you doing this?" And he's like, "By the power that's vest

ed in me." [ Laughter ] I asked Jim to stop him, and he's like, "I can't, he's got a badge. He's got a badge." "He's -- he's above the -- he's above the law." [ Laughter ] Hey, so this is the way, you know, we ran that sketch. Jules, somebody said, "Hey, I was at your show "in, like, September, maybe. "And you filmed 'Jewels,' and I was waiting for it to air, "and then it didn't air for, like, five months. "And I'm just wondering why you would film it, not air it, "and then film it again." It's

an excellent question. We originally -- when we filmed "Jewels," there was a lot of talk about how I preferred "Jewels" to world peace in my, you know, dreams of what I wanted for the world. And then the world became a very unpeaceful place, and we were worried that it would be in bad taste, so we rewrote it, we took that out, we filmed it again. It would just be such a shame if "Jewels" left a bad taste, because it was written for people with impeccable taste. [ Laughter ] "Corrections," somebo

dy wrote a very sweet thing. A lot of people are asking me not to stop after 100. I am very flattered. Someone said "Corrections" is the best thing to come out of COVID. Uh, it's very sweet. Personally, for me, the best thing that came out of COVID was a PPE loan I took out for my shell company... [ Laughter ] ...that the government then forgave and so I never had to pay that back. [ Laughter ] [ Clears throat ] Here's a nice comment. "This is my least favorite Seth Meyers bit. "Having no crowd

except for his writers "battling to kiss his ass "to see who can fake-laugh the loudest." Trust me, by the time "Correction" airs, they're on their flights to the Bahamas. [ Laughter ] "This makes it hard to watch. "The only thing that can make it worse "would be if they put that creepy fisherman painting "he used during COVID in the background." First of all, he was not a creepy fisherman. He was a sea captain. He had a degree. Uh, second of all, that sea captain has a message for you. -[Bleep]

off, dude. [ Laughter ] -And that actually brings us to something kind of cool. You know, a lot of people said, "Oh, there's not going to be any innovation "because we're so late in the run of 'Corrections.'" But there's a new little segment we like to call "Corrections: Behind the Curtain." ♪♪ When I called the sea captain and asked him to record a line on his phone, he does -- gives me a lot of options, and so we thought you might enjoy seeing all those options at once. Take a look. -[Bleep]

off, dude. [Bleep] off, dude. [Bleep] off, dude. [ Coughing ] Got a cough there. [Bleep] off, dude. [ Laughter ] -Not sure we're going to do that one again. [ Laughter ] We had our, um, ten year anniversary last week, and I thanked everybody, which is very important for you to do. And, uh, one person I didn't thank, uh, by name was, uh, Shoemaker. I think... One reason is, I couldn't possibly find the words to do that, and the second would be if I did find the words, I don't know if I could say

them without crying. And then... much like the opportune arrival of Bird Bane last week, someone sent in a really cool thing. And this is someone who doesn't know Shoemaker, and yet... I realized when I opened it that they see him... just from watching the show. They see him the way that I do. I don't like that everybody thinks like... [ Laughter ] I don't like that everybody's like, "Oh, this is going to be a bit." [ Laughter ] This is so -- you know what? 'Cause, like, you're... [ Sniffles ] B

ecause he's, you know. And I bet everybody here would say it, right? Like... my name is in the title, but everybody who works here knows that this is his show. And the reason we all love each other and we all get along as much as we do, is because of, uh, the standard he sets. And so anyways, I would like to thank my friend Bees who sent this in. And I think when I show it, everybody who's ever worked with Mikey the Shoe... will say, "Yeah." [ Laughter ] They're going to say, "Yeah..." [ Laughte

r ] "That's how I see him, too." [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] [ Sniffles ] Oh, [Bleep]. Uh, see me next week.