Don't Make Me Hate You. Maureen Langan - Full Special

Utah, how are you? (audience cheers) Let me check you out. You are good looking. You're a good looking group of people. You're good looking. (audience cheers) Overall, one or two, I was like, whoa, but overall—overall you know. That's all that matters in life my friends, you have to be young, hot, rich, or famous. That is it. Now, I'm looking at you. What's your name honey? Bambi? Barbie? Bubbles? Look at you. You're so cute and hopeful. (audience laughing) Every day is a present you pop open. Y

ou go, look at my happy life, right? With Chad holding onto you for dear life. So cute. I love it. No, I love it. Good for you. Happy. Yeah! (audience laughing) I was raised by an Irish mother, my father was a New York city sanitation worker, my five siblings and I were told, "Work hard, get your education, "do the the right thing, "life will reward ya." Anybody else told to work hard and life will reward you? Anybody? Anybody? (audience applauding) Okay, a lot of trust fund babies over there. (

audience laughing) Work hard, and life will reward you. That is a load of crap. (audience laughing) Life is rewarding reality stars, that's who's getting rewarded. What is this? The booboo mama, the mama June? Mama June, she was just caught with crack. I would have been a lot more shocked if she'd been caught with a book. (audience laughing) Or a tooth, like a tooth, maybe one tooth. Just a tooth a little . . . a bit of dignity. Just a bit. The number one reality show in America continues to be,

"Keeping Up with the Kardashians." Keeping up. Not exceeding, not excelling, not surpassing, but keeping up. They're kind of like suffragettes, without intelligence, integrity, or cause. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Bubbles and Chad, suffragettes were women who fought really hard, for other women to have the right to vote. They were force fed and hosed and put in jail. The Kardashians are nothing like the suffragettes. If they were like them, they would be like them, but since they

're not, that's called sarcasm. (audience laughing) Do you know that Kim Kardashian got a book deal? Do you know this? I was an English major, I was a journalist, and she got a book deal. What is this book? A coloring book? What is this book? (audience laughing) What is this book? (audience laughing) She's so vapid, she has to bring her ghost writer to her book signings. (audience laughing) Normally a ghost writer writes the entire book, but she can't sign her name. (audience laughing) I come wi

th subtitles for the kids. Subtitles for the kids, subtitles, subtitles for the kids. (audience laughing) I try to help people, I help people. That's what I do. (audience laughing) No, I judge people. (audience laughing) I do. I judge people. It gives me hours of pleasure and I'm never gonna stop. (audience laughing) I used to wanna be a better person, but I found it exhausting (audience laughing) and people will say to me all the time, they'll say Maureen, because that's my name, they will say,

Maureen, (audience laughing) you should never judge another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Ever get that line of crap? All right, well let me remind all of you. I am the daughter of a New York city garbage man. I have walked in other people's shoes. (audience applauding) Well, let's get to it, here's my real gift. My true gift, who talks like that? My true gift. I'm a motivational speaker. (audience laughing) No, I help people. I help right? All right, focus, focus. Here's

the deal. It doesn't matter how old or ugly a man is, as long as he is wealthy or famous, he will get a hot chick to the day he dies. Women, we have a shelf life of about 35, 40, with good refrigeration. (audience laughing) I did not make this up. I learned this decades, decades ago, from Anna Nicole Smith, my spiritual advisor. (audience laughing) Anna was married to an octogenarian in a wheelchair, that's a man in his 80s. (audience laughing) He hadn't walked since Watergate, (audience laughin

g) that was a political crisis in our country, in the 1970s. (audience laughing) You're so cute, you're so cute. Well, they're young, and in love, and I've gotta help them. (audience laughing) Anna was voluptuous, gorgeous, he couldn't move on his own. Anybody seen the inequity? Anybody? Anybody? Anybody? Okay. Over for me, I feel like Canada, I have so much to offer, but nobody gives a crap. (audience laughing) I don't think it's over for me, but people treat me like that. Okay, I'll give you a

n example. What did I get for my birthday? Somebody gave me a bread maker. A bread maker, so that I could make my own loaves of bread, because that's what I wanna do. I wanna make my own loaves of bread. That's why my mother came to America, so I could make my own loaves of bread. Spending three bucks at the ShopRite was killing me, (audience laughing) but thanks to your gift, I can now spend five hours kneading and rolling dough. Maybe next year, maybe, you could give me a pig and a chicken, an

d we can make bacon and eggs. Wouldn't that be fun? Good times. Let's do that. Fun. Do you know whose fault it is, that women like me are getting bread makers? Martha Stewart. (audience laughing) She won't go away. (audience laughing) She won't, we put her in jail, but she comes out (audience laughing) and the problem with putting her in jail, is she gets street cred, (audience laughing) when she comes out. Yo, yo M dog and in America, when you do the wrong thing, you get rewarded. That's the wa

y it works. So she comes out, she gets rewarded with another cooking show, with that rapper who likes the weed, - [Audience Member] Snoop Dogg - Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg. He brings the pot, she brings the pan. (audience laughing) That's what happens, that's how they make it work and . . . But that's not my point. My point is, we put her in jail, and she had too much time on her hands, to come up with more crafts and crap for women like me to do, because of Martha, there has been a resurgence, amon

g women who are knitting and quilting. My neighbor said to me last week, "Maureen, "do you know "why I gave up crocheting?" I said, yes, because we had an industrial revolution, (audience laughing) in our country. Ding, ding, ding, ding. (audience laughing) That's mass production in factories. (audience laughing) Martha, there's something wrong with Martha. Do you ever listen to her talk? It ain't right. "We're going to make Peking duck, "go get your smoker." (audience laughing) I have to get my

smoker. Dad, get off the couch, I need you in the kitchen. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Pall Mall, unfiltered, you're the best smoker I have. Come on, come on. She'll explain everything. (audience laughing) "Let's marinade the meat. "Place the meat in the marinade." Marinade, marinade, marinade. Who talks like that? (audience laughing) Who the heck talks like that? Martha grew up in New Jersey. I grew up in New Jersey. Nobody marinades in new Jersey. (audience laughing) We don't

drink lemonade, (audience laughing) we don't march in parades, (audience laughing) we don't play charades, (audience laughing) because it's odd. It's a facade, and trust me, people who talk like that, they don't get laid. (audience applauding) Doesn't matter how old or ugly a man is, famous or wealthy, he will get a hot chick to the day he dies. He can even be a skew. Like a little off. A little sloppily lopsided, a crooked critter, like the singer Lyle Lovett. You look at Lyle Lovett, you go w

hat happened to him? He looks like he fell off a ferris wheel. Oh, oh poor guy, hope he's okay. Not my point. My point is—and please hear me out, 'cause I am a daffodil. I am all about love, hear me out. You have to—'cause no, hear me out, I have a point to this. My point isn't Lyle Lovett, my point is Stephen, Hawking. Hear me out. Stephen Hawking, God rest his soul, was supposedly the smartest man in the world. Yes? He was an astrophysicist, he discovered black holes. I mean, so he said, I've

never seen one. Anybody ever see one? Anybody wake up, and go, whoa, Stephen's been at work again? No, no and think about it, where's the quality control. If he was the smartest man in the world, who was checking his work? (audience laughing) You see, this whole thing was a ruse, I don't know. (audience laughing) That's not my point. My point is, and I'm just describing him, Stephen Hawking could not move from his head to his toes. He blew through straws, it went through a computer, and that's h

ow he communicated. I am not being mean, I just described him, yes? - [Audience] Yes. - Okay. Couldn't move, head to toes, blew through straws, went through a computer. Are you ready for this? Stephen Hawking, left his wife for another woman. Okay. I don't think all of you are getting this. (audience laughing) The man couldn't move and he left his wife. (audience laughing) Men who can't move, are leaving women! (audience laughing) Let me tell you something. You wanna leave me, you better be able

to move and you better move fricking fast. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Come on! Do you realize he literally blew her off? (audience laughing) Literally (audience laughing) It's terrible, it's just so hurtful. Listen, I don't wanna hate people, they make me hate them. I start out loving everybody, it's what you do, that causes me to hate you. I'm a victim. (audience laughing) I'm a victim. I'll give you an example. I had a car accident, I'm okay, young kid, stoned out of his mind,

on his cell phone, music blaring, looked a lot like you. (audience laughing) He barrels into the back of my car, gets out of the car, comes up to me, he's like, "Dude, "I don't know what happened, dude." I go, oh, what happened, is your mother forgot her birth control in 1997. (audience laughing) That's what happened dude. I didn't wanna say that. He made me say it. (audience laughing) I was a victim. I was victimized. How about this, on the airplane coming here, the woman in the seat behind me

gets up and starts spritzing cinnamon. She's— I go, lady, what are you doing? She goes, "Well, it's natural." Well, yeah, so is my butt, but I'm not putting it in your face. (audience laughing) I didn't want to hate her. She made me hate her. (audience laughing) I was a victim. (audience laughing) I had to call the department of vital statistics in New York city, and I said to the man on the other end of the phone, I said, sir, I need a copy of a death certificate. He said, "Is it for you?" (aud

ience laughing) I said, yes, I plan ahead. I like planning ahead. That's what I do. I'm dead on the inside. Does that count? (audience laughing) Can my ghost pick it up on Wednesday? (audience laughing) I spent a lot of time in San Francisco, and there's really good people there. Environmentalists, if they find a turtle with a tumor, they will reroute the entire freeway. (audience laughing) Healthy, healthy. My friend made me a veggie burger, she says, "Maureen, "it has corn and beans, "it needs

a little something else." I go, it needs beef, that's what that needs, that needs beef, lamb, veal, give me something in a . . . sometimes, too politically correct. Sometimes. I did a— I did my solo show, "Daughter of a Garbage Man," and it is about my father being raised in a working class family, and in the show, I say that my father is a blend of Archie Bunker, Fred Sanford, and Marlon Brando the early years, not the fat years. (audience laughing) This middle-aged woman, comes up to me after

the show, and says, "I'm offended that you used "the word fat. "I used to have eating issues." Well, who didn't, get in line. (audience laughing) "And my therapist, "says I need to confront things, "that trigger me." (audience laughing) And you picked me? You picked me. You've known me an hour, and I'm the problem? Really? I think you should confront cake and cookies, that's what you should confront. (audience laughing) How did I become a part of your nightmare? I didn't wanna hate her, she mad

e me hate her. (audience laughing) You see, I was a victim. (audience laughing) I got a call from Caroline's on Broadway, in New York city, and Caroline said to me, "Maureen, "I'm doing a private event, "I want five women on the bill, "I'd like you to be one of them." I said, oh goodness gracious me, I would love that. And she said, "But there's one caveat, "one condition." She said . . . (audience laughing) "You have to talk about menopause." But I don't—I mean, I talk about men don't pause whe

n you hit a certain age, but . . . but I just don't identify, I don't have symptoms. She said, "It pays $5,000." I said, oh my goodness, I just got a hot flash. Like I can't, I can't stop sweating. (audience laughing) I can't stop sweating. So I have to go get the makeup at the Bloomingdale's, and as I head to the counter, this young hopeful dewy thing, looks at me aghast, she was like, "Oh, oh, oh, "you have mature skin." (audience laughing) As if it's contagious (audience laughing) and it is,

she'll catch it in 20 years. (audience laughing) "You have to go over there, "to the mature skin counter, "way over there, "way, past your prime, keep going. "You'll see bitterness, "regret, rage, keep on going, "keep going, until you see "the diuretics, the dry eye, "and the adult "Depends dignity diapers. "When you get to the adult "Depends dignity diapers, "you are in the right place." And my doctor says, "Well, "Maureen, at your age, "you may need them, "because you could get "sudden bladder

leakage." And I said, when? And she said, "Suddenly." (audience laughing) I don't know sir, I don't know if tonight's the night, I don't know. No idea, get some galoshes. I don't know what to tell you, I'm sorry. (audience laughing) All I know, is I'm getting Botox, because if I'm gonna pee on myself, at least I'll look pretty. (audience cheers) You guys are nice. You are a nice bunch. (audience laughing) You're a very nice bunch here, I've been made to feel very welcome, so thank you. I am at

that age, post-period pre-death. (audience laughing) Where women become cougars. They wanna remain young and relevant by association. I don't wanna be a cougar. My friend Carol says, "But Maureen, dating a 30 year old "makes me feel so young." All right, but it makes you look, so old. (audience laughing) If you wanna look and feel young, I would date Larry King. (audience laughing) I'm feeling really hot next to Larry King! Hey Maureen, how'd you get the dead guy? (audience laughing) No, I don't

wanna be a cougar. No desire, I don't need you. What's your name? - [Audience Member] Josh. - Josh, you're Chad. I told you you're Chad, and that's how you're supposed to answer. I don't need Chad, with your youthful good looks, and your hot little body, coming up to me, touching my belly fat, going, what's this? (audience laughing) What's this? I'll tell you what this is. This is pain, pain, covered by affordable treats and wine from Trader Joe's. (audience laughing) That's what this is. That'

s what this is. (audience laughing) I love Joe Joe's. (audience laughing) No, 'cause the cougar thing doesn't work out. Look what happened to the actress Demi Moore. She was married to Ashton Kutcher, he turned 13 or 14, (audience laughing) he got rid of his paper route and he dumped her. She couldn't function. She should have come to me, 'cause I help people. (audience laughing) I would've helped her. I would've said Demi or Demi, whatever that silly name is. Come here honey, follow my lead. I

want a guy around, 86 years old, where I am the hottest thing between him and death. This is him, death, him, death, him, death, death, death, him, him, death him death, death him, him, death, him death. He can't believe he got me, 'cause he knows he'll never get anyone better, till the day he dies and he's not looking over his shoulder for somebody younger and hotter, you know why? He has arthritis in his neck. He can't move his neck. (audience laughing) He has to move his whole body, and I'm g

onna spot that (audience laughing) and he sees none of my flaws. He sees no cellulite, belly fat, varicose veins, why? Cataracts (audience laughing) and you know what? I love him. You better believe I do and I look into his milky white eyes, (audience laughing) and I say, I love you! 'Cause he's hard of hearing and I want him to know, (audience laughing) but listen, I am a motivational speaker, and here's the deal. Women, you don't have to go out with an old guy, on an oxygen tank, you do not ha

ve to be a cougar, you could kill somebody, that helps careers. (audience laughing) I'm not saying you should kill somebody, you're looking at me seriously. I'm just saying, you could, 'cause in America you get rewarded, that's all. I watch Oprah, so I know everything that's going on. There is a woman in jail, because she killed her husband. I don't know her name, let's call her Killer. Killer killed her husband because he was battering her, so he had it coming, she got a prison sentence, as she

deserved, you wanna know what else she got? She got a book, and a movie deal. She got a book and a movie deal, because she killed her husband. I was an English major, I was a journalist. (audience laughing) I don't know if I brought that up yet. (audience laughing) I know how to conjugate verbs. I know how to diagram sentences. I know the proper use of semi-colons. Semi, semi, semi, colons. Separates, independent clauses. (audience applauding) That's noun, verb, object. Noun, verb, object. Two

sentences, so closely linked together, almost sharing one thought, but not quite. They can stand alone, they're fine alone, they're not codependent, they choose to come together, because they know together, they're even better and they're even stronger. I want you, you want me, oh yes, let's do this. A semi-colon is true love, (audience laughing) (audience applauding) but I can't get a book and a movie deal, 'cause I never killed anyone. But it's my own fault, 'cause I'm the idiot who was marrie

d to a man who respected me. (audience laughing) Now, my father's an alcoholic, whose isn't? Blah, blah, cry me a river. I used to go to Al-Anon, but that sucked, 'cause nobody ever wanted to go out for a glass of wine afterwards. (audience laughing) Do you know how many daughters of alcoholics marry abusers and batters? About 98%. Not me, I couldn't even get that right. (audience laughing) I was married to a good guy. A nice guy. Can I help you? What can I do? Can I cook? Can I clean? What can

I do? What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? You wanna know what you can do? I'll tell you what you can do. You, can hit me, so I can shoot you. That's what you can do. (audience laughing) I could see the headlines now. Maureen shoots her husband, she gets a book and movie deal. (audience applauding) You guys have been fantastic! Thank you! (audience applauding)