[Music] it seems to that all you see is violence movies andx onv but where those good oldfashioned values we [Music] us laugh and [Music] cry we got the house guys your iPad flashlight is on God she's old what house Mom the Airbnb in naret we wanted for the 4th of July there was a cancellation so I swooped right in and scooped it up the Pelican strikes again the Pelican yeah some people call me that cuz I swoop and scoop who calls you that some people who it's really catching on from who look ev
erybody just pack your bags because we leave tomorrow I thought you said July 4th it's October yeah but we always celebrate our holidays off peak to save money I don't know this feels forced oh come on you kids are all getting older we are running out of time to do stuff together as a family plus this is our first Airbnb that's a huge mom Milestone you know I heard that every time someone says Airbnb a white woman can hear it from 5 miles away sounds like the Pelican got her Airbnb who [Applause
] [Music] I've never been to Nantucket it's pretty nice yeah I like that everyone arriving gets a personal serenade from James Taylor oh I've seen Chris and I've seen Meg I've seen Burger rappers crumbled by the legs you know I heard his backstage Rider is just a single carton of oat [Music] milk this place is pretty tight mom I know look at the sign in the kitchen but first coffee yeah yeah that first that makes no sense in what way we don't know what the choices are so how can we definitively
say but first coffee but that's the point it doesn't matter whatever it is first coffee what if our kids having a heart attack God forbid oh I still but first coffee well I don't think what if a 911 hops through the window with a dynamite vest are we free to scatter or must we Face the blast mug in hand I just thought it was a fun sign is all oh look at them when was the last time you saw the kids play together like this huh no clue I do most of my parenting with my eyes closed you know it's thi
s house sometimes all a family all he needs is a change of scenery to strengthen that Bond yeah that or a threesome yeah oh you can't even make it through a twosome or a onesome you are very close to being a sit in a chair and watch guy my cardiologist said the same thing okay guys everyone pick out one souvenir from the trip is a seagull a seagull is not a souvenir what about no birds the Stalls here in the offseason are kind of sad most of them are empty yeah but I do like that James Taylor si
ngs a personal serenade every time one closes for the season a sign goes up as the sun goes down another year in the books she put the fun in funnel cakes or at least that's what I see on that board ah Sweet edgeless Rock and Roll you could shave a baby's head with it Brian what is that that's saltwater taffy what have you never tried it before I have four teeth if it's not applesauce I'm unfamiliar Taffy is like the official candy of vacations they have free samples we should take some yes free
samples is my favorite way to slowly sink a [Music] business oh this is incredible it tastes like a memory of a life well lived yeah that and like a little bit of mint you know it's the end of the season so all that Taffy is on sale if we buy it in bulk and bring it back to Cog we'd make a killing that's a great idea we're going to make more money than cryptocurrency Carl I'll take it under one condition you make everything matte black okay matte black the world baby now let me just check my po
rtfolio yes no yes no yes no I feel so recharged after that trip a total recharge weekend don't you feel recharged Peter if by recharged you mean the slight change of routine short circuited my colon so I can only poop at 3:00 a.m. then yes I feel extremely re charged you know what we had such a great time I'm just going to book another visit to that house huh that's weird but I can't book it what the hell the owner of the house gave us a zero star review she she said we stole something I'm bann
ed from ABNB ooh tough break for The pelan Who okay which one of you little rats stole something from that house and don't lie to me I'm your mother I can feel your lies and my ovaries the doctor said those were cysts from your lies they're not going to talk Lois I say we hook them up to the lie detector Peter that's not a lie detector that's a rideon sex machine it is well it got me to sing like a bird stop rolling it into rooms mom we didn't take anything from the house did the owner say what
was stolen maybe it was just a misunderstanding you know you're probably right I'll contact the owna and clear it up oh yeah I think this is all going to work itself out Chris can you grab that W next to you and crank the speed up to [Music] Hummingbird hi Daddy it's Lois from this weekend had such a great time with my family three exclamations three smiley faces thank you again for hosting prayer hands Emoji your flashlight still on you old [ __ ] I just wanted to reach out about the review you
left you said we stole something shocked Emoji I think there was a mistake LOL I talked to my family and no one took anything shoulder shrug Emoji anyway would love to help clear this up best Lois Griffin three hot emojis and an accidental letter M when I hit send a bottle of shampoo oh I smell like one of those farmers Market candles I never buy oh that forgot to grab one for Chris you absolute ancient [Music] heg all right Brian if we're going to go door too and sell all this we need a game p
lan so let's practice you and I walk up to a client's house walking walking walking we're walking walking walking oh up the steps and we knock on the door knock knock nothing nothing then they answer freeze now what do we tell the client we're selling Taffy wrong the first thing every salesman needs to sell is himself write it down I didn't bring a pen or paper all right after we sell ourselves what do we tell the client we're selling Taffy wrong never tell the client what you're selling the sec
ond you tell them what we're selling they'll know what we're selling right wrong yeah I might need a pen and paper the second thing a Salesman needs to sell is an emotion all right let's just skip ahead I'll be the client okay you've sold yourself barely you've sold an emotion Nostalgia now what are you selling don't you dare come to my house and tell me what you're selling yeah I'm having a hard time tracking this oh you're having a hard time do you see what I'm doing here do you see my hand th
is gesture says that I'm in a domestic abuse situation and you're doing nothing you're just standing there not even telling me what you're selling Taffy [Music] wrong so Mom did you ever find out what was stolen from that Ned house I did funny story never is it was a bottle of shampoo I must have packed in my bag oh no way you did it how does your fat foot taste Mom apparently taking the rest of a tiny bottle of shampoo is considered stealing nowadays answer the question about the foot how big w
as the bottle it was small I thought you said it was Tiny would it pass through airport security that's the thresold it was very little oh now it's little you're all over the place may we see the bottle I would love to show you the bottle then you'll see how ridiculous this is okay so this din is not one of our best efforts right big whiff I agree okay let's pile that on too yo that's borderline huge mom the size is misleading there was barely any liquid left in it it was spotter into a finish i
t made an audible thud when you put it down I hated tonight's chicken I am not wrong here okay we paid a lot of money for that house and taken the ass end of a shampoo bottle barely makes a dent into their Hall here definitive proof that your mother always describes big things as being smaller than they are did you hear that Chris we've all seen dad [Music] a good afternoon Mr Quagmire oh salesman look I'm going to be straight with you you see this coin purse it contains $87 which is what I allo
w myself to spend on Superfluous purchases every week it is currently open just like my ears if you wow me with your pitch the money is yours if it closes you have lost the sale now let's hear it so as you can see we have all the classic flavors it's like a vacation in a box all the fun of the beach without that pesky commute I don't know I only like taffy when it's got cute little jokes in them something to laugh at while you're doing all that chewing who doesn't love laughing that's why our Ta
ffy comes with jokes too it does this is Brian's personal phone number every time you eat a Taffy call that number and he'll tell you a joke hello hi I'm eating my Taffy what time is it very late I work nights and I like to have a treat while I watch my infomercials joke please oh okay um uh What uh why why did the house go to the doctor because it had window panes oh that's good I'm going to call you again in 10 minutes when I have another pce yep I swallowed quicker than I thought do you know
how awful it feels to be labeled a thief or something as silly as a small bottle of shampoo yeah I heard the bottle wasn't that small what where did you hear that Joe and I have eerily quiet dinners we can hear all your family's conversation mhm okay you know I'm going to get a knife for this cheese oh let me get that for you they're my grandmother's knives so I'm going to need you to sign out which one you use okay that's enough I see what's happening here you think I'm a thief I can't believe
you're not on my side I heard the bottle had a pump a pump who else are you talking to about this I'm on a couple of text chains discussing it oh God okay I got to fix this I am bringing that shampoo back to n Tucket it's the only way [Music] Pockets did you come in with this chapstick yes I'll uh check the tape [Music] a thanks for agreeing to meet me here Daddy of course Belle over the door Cafe has the best coffee on the island you know I wanted to clear the air with you about that bottle of
shampoo it turns out we did take it by mistake I I feel terrible so I wanted to return it to you personally well that's so nice you didn't have to drive all this way you could have just put it in the mail oh no the mail is so impersonal it was important I did this in person well thank you again so now that this is settled I was thinking maybe you could change your review oh I'm sorry no I can't do that oh but but I returned the bottle Lois I write the reviews of my guests based on their behavior
while they're in my home and you stole the shampoo and you only brought it back because you got caught so if anything you're proving what I wrote about you was [Music] correct dot d look I am on my back here my legs are in the stups forceps have been utilized there was some sort of suction and still that's not enough I'm not changing it can we turn that Bell off that Bell was the only item recovered from a shipwreck that devastated our Island entire families were torn apart and why am I telling
you James Taylor wrote a whole song about it 94 Soul set out on that day and only a bell came back and it sings ding ding ding ring ding ding ding ring ding ding ding shut up James Taylor things can happen in New England without you needing to sing about it I think you should leave okay you win daddy you got your shampoo back and you officially got me canceled this isn't being cancelled I think it is it's not shut up James Taylor you don't scare me lady I was married to Carly [Music] Simon you
stole the shampoo Lois I'm not changing the review I heard it had a pump ring ringer ding ding no I can't let her Inn stop a fairy we haven't left yet ma'am [Music] what's your weakness Daddy I am going to find it oh God Lois no much chder for you oh door Dash that's it okay time to do a choppy FaceTime with the kids hey Lois when are you coming home Stewie poop tub Stewie what poop tub I with an oven mitt what with an oven mitt what hi Mom poop upb who everybody poop the tub more pooped than wa
ter come home ding ring r r ding ding R ding ding ring ding ding R ding ding ring ring ring ding ding ring ring ding ding ding [Music] ding [Music] this is terrible Brian we've barely sold any boxes nobody likes Taffy yeah I guess without the Salt Air and ocean views it's just subpar gum what are we going to do we sunk a lot of money into this we need to Pivot it's not selling Us candy so we need to repackage it as something people actually want let's brainstorm okay H you know I'm really not li
king your brainstorming face very unlikable eyebrow move movement sh I got it I got it colored layered sand in bottles that's a whole different bad idea okay what about bottles with layered sand in it that's different colors that's the same thing except with the words in a different order we're never going to sell all this stuff unless we can find a big enough group of suckers to trick into taking it off our hands well we found him Stewie rebranding this Taffy as chewan on was a stroke of Genius
yep and when we told Joe Rogan had cured Co we were off God bless our stupid stupid [Music] country hello Daddy Lois what are you doing here I brought you dinner and delivery complete oh well would you look at that it looks like it's my turn to give someone a review what after every delivery drivers get to rate their experience with a customer wouldn't it be a shame if one of only two door Dash drivers on the island gave you a poor review well they might ban you from the app daddy you might act
ually have to leave the house for food during the winter season hey what do you want money no no no no no here's what's going to happen ddy you're going to take out your phone open up Airbnb then change the that review okay type the following would would host host again again send so that's it this is over that's it this is over you know what Daddy I did steal that shampoo you did you're damn right I did I was always going to steal that shampoo and do you know why because when I stood in your sh
ower and rubbed that peach orchard scented fle of bliss into my hair I felt like somebody else I felt like somebody who maded somebody who had enough disposable cash that she could buy a scented shampoo that's what airbnbs do Dy they make you feel like you're living a fairy tale life and I wanted that feeling the last and it did also I opened your locked closet and put on your wedding dress I ate yogurt in it oh my God yeah oh my God because that's what Lois Griffin does really I should be thank
ing you for reminding me of who I am a secret little psycho with very little to lose and as a million of us out there and you're just welcoming us all into your homes so if you ever think of giving someone a bad review again remember this we know where you live Airbnb what are you doing it's your [Music] house well it all worked out what oh I said it all worked out I got my reputation back on Airbnb and and Daddy got to come up and I don't know what you're talking about and I don't care oh I jus
t thought we could share some conversation to pass the time here the lady who yelled at me in the coffee shop you think I give a crap about anything you have to say kind of thought you'd have a helicopter James Taylor Carly got it in the divorce [Music] it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV but where those good old fashioned [Music] [Music] values C oh hey there you are Hey listen I got something really cool I want you to see what is it this I found it in the yard a
tennis ball that's very impressive Brian yeah but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood they'll be jealous you son of a [ __ ] and this is nothing there's one tennis ball out there that's even cooler cuz I peed on it buried it years ago I just can't remember where I give anything to find it though well if you could recall exactly when you buried it I suppose I could help you out I remember the exact day January 31st 1999 very well follow me Brian watch out for Ernie he's getting a CAT [
Music] scan [Music] well here we are that's odd it's our house but somehow it looks a little different mom my lips are too thin can I please get collagen injections Meg you don't need to change the way you look you know most of the world's problems stem from poor self-image oh my God what's with Meg's voice she sounds like someone who's about to give up a huge opportunity that's nothing look at you you look like a prize at some Mexican church Carnival excellent the mind control device is nearing
completion Stewie I said no toys at the table damn you vile woman you've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb oh don't pout honey you know when you were born the doctor said you were the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen but of course that was my Victory Day the fruition of my deeply laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian bastile return the device woman jeez what' you carry with the aurus around with you you know it's amazing I could speak at all with that c
ircumcision still healing hey wait a minute Stewie that's the spot that's where I buried my tennis ball well who Brian what are you doing you can't dig it up here just make a mental note of where you buried it and as soon as we're back in the present you can dig it up then why because we can't risk doing anything that alters the past you know I never got that I mean wouldn't you want to alter the past I mean you could make life better for yourself and not just for yourself for everyone you you c
ould stop 911 Ryan there's one rule of time travel and that is do not alter the past in any way or the consequences could be dire yo where'd you hear that Quantum Leap that guy changed the past all the time whoa asoy hey Peter it's 7:00 and you still got your pants on what's the occasion ew I remember this Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose come on you're worrying about nothing oh remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church ah ew gross look at th
at wait what are they doing I don't know they're just standing there like zombies do you think they're all right I I'm I'm not sure and then there was that time at the ice cream store they're doing it again what the hell I I I'm at a loss I mean I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline but should we call an ambulance that is so creepy and remember you had an Irish copy the day we went to see Philadelphia oh they they're do they're setting up cutaways oh my God is that what we did back
then yeah I mean now we just like return text messages and screw around and whatnot Lois I'm not going back to work tomorrow that new boss has it in for me he's meaner than a Shifty salesman you sure you got time to smoke oh yeah it's an Al Harrington it goes on for a while all right look we found out where your bow is buried now let's get back to our own time okay get the return pad let's go not out here in the open someone could see us remember no altering the timeline come on let's get up to
my room hey wait a minute Stewie I got to take a leak will it screw up the timeline if my future p goes in a past toilet uh no as long as it goes in the toilet one Splash on a magazine in there and we're getting chased by dinosaurs huh looks more or less the same oh my God my Japanese children's books I forgot about these you poop now Horton heals a suicide The Little Engine That will or get great shame oh there you are all right come on Brian let's get out of here blast that drag tail blunted
matriarchal desate who the deuce does you think she is quick Brian hide I shall cleverly discuss this lethal plasma disrupted device as a tuna fish sandwich whereupon I shall end that wretched woman's Draconian reign of tyranny oh hey who the D are you uh well I'm uh I'm you you look like me but that's utterly impossible I'm afraid it's true I'm you from the future I've traveled back in time that's absurd look I can prove to you that I'm you from the future I know about the Eddie B catalog it is
you okay bye Lois I'm going to the stag party Ryan you might as well come out now he knows everything uh-oh Ryan you all right yeah I'm fine where'd you get that the Stewie from the past has a lot more gadgets and things than I do I've kind of slacked off a little bit how's the party oh looks like fun hey who wants to play drink the beer right here you win all right what do I win another beer okay take a lost look cuz we're out of here oh look at that there's the old gang we've gotten to know s
o well over the years TV is not even plugged in what is this where the hell are we the air is electric here at Super Bowl 33 tonight Stewie what's going on I don't know for some reason the time machine didn't take us back to the present we're still in 1999 wait a minute I remember this I think I'm up in that blimp amazing you can barely drive a car and yet you are allowed to fly a blimp yeah America's great isn't it except of the South oh no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way the b
atteries are almost depleted are those D batteries yes ever since we had that trouble in Germany I found a way to convert it so it takes de batteries instead of uranium only problem is I didn't bring any cash with me did you I don't think that's going to be a problem oh my God quick grab some money do do you have pockets are you putting that in pockets that's so cute the crowd is storming the field this is pandemonium [Music] quick Brian get [Music] on whoa crash [Music] aoy oh God now where are
[Music] we well you know I figured the sooner I cast a check the soon as they uh catch their mistake look why are we making a federal case out of this oh man this is the day Peter went to court for his welfare fraud hey huh oh hey you're the Kool-Aid guy yeah what are you doing just waiting for what I'm just waiting dude relax hey is there any place around here that sells batteries guys don't don't distract me all right I I got to really be up Mr Griffin I think your words have touched us all I
'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison oh no oh no oh no oh no so there's no no organs or glands or anything right it's just a liquid yeah yeah it's just a liquid um I don't know if this is a weird question but can I have some all right fine tilt your head back and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth oh now I don't want it oh crap did I miss it look my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times he may even be downright well stupid but I know he only accepted that money because he oh yeah o
h yeah yeah you guys did this you guys did this talking about my guts me up [Music] you okay this is good we got the D batteries let's get back to the present all right get [Music] on oh we made it yeah the Super Bowl was cool but frankly no Tommy bre lady no Stewie likey Brian there you are come quick they're about to announce the unveiling of your statue on the news statue for what what do you think Mr national hero for stopping the 911 terrorist attacks and saving our country oh you I can't e
ven express how mad I am at you right now if it wasn't for you those planes would have hit the World Trade Center Brian what the hell did you do I uh may have told my former self about 911 what did I tell you about altering the past wait wait when did you even do that well you remember when I said I was going to take a leak Brian you shouldn't have done that who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us Saddam Hussein could be president Mexico could be the world's dominant superpower Co
okie Monster could have invented Facebook what is this cookie book Brian hurry it's starting good evening I'm Tom Tucker and I'm Joyce Kenny our top story Cog prepares to unveil a new Statue commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever that's right Tom it was 10 years ago that an almost inconceivable plot to destroy the World Trade Center was was thwarted by coh hog Zone Brian Griffin this amateur video captured Griffin's heroism in the face of a shadowy terrorist organization called holy look a
t all those vowels Al here make sure you get all this time to terrorize the terrorists you prepared catch phrases for yourself no not necessarily Mohammad stayed home nobody knows that guy's name yet you're using information that nobody knows Houston we have a solution Houston's for space not everyday air travel tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast SE Crest out wow what a hero coming up next in Sports Arizona Cardinal Pat Tilman tackled by his own team oh Brian we're so proud of
you yeah buddy great job stopping those terrorists and thank God their follow-up attack on St Louis was a bust we missed Ryan I promise you all of this can only end badly Dewey it's fine I prevented 9/11 how could that possibly be a bad thing I mean come on I I saved like 200 lives 3,000 wow 3,000 ah you knew what you were doing there this major breaking news just in nine southern states have declared that they are seceding from the United States the announcement came from former President Geor
ge W bush who reformed the Confederacy after a bitter loss in his 2004 re-election bid Bush lost in 2004 yeah he probably couldn't exploit people's fears with no 9911 Bush appeared before the Press today to make this brief statement if anyone out there can get their hands on a clown suitcase I'd very much like to see what's inside of there I think we have the wrong clip what no it this uh okay that was George W bush declaring Civil War on the northern states oh my God Civil War see Brian this is
exactly what I was talking about look Stewie this doesn't necessarily mean things are going to turn out badly in fact I bet 5 years from now the world will still be better off for what I did is that so well Brian if you're that sure of yourself then let's go 5 years into the future and you can prove me wrong [Music] fine wow this is the future everything looks Slicker hey Lois I found some double-sided tape I think I can do about 7even minutes worth of funny stuff with it that should get us to
the Meg kissing booth story well things have gotten kind of lazy huh hey Peter thanks for letting me borrow you screw driver said you know I just want to say how nice it is to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street I guess things didn't work out in Virginia FR I heard you got a D on your report card here's a cutaway Matthew MCC is terrible good Lord what's happened to us okay maybe things seem a little off but other than that the world seems okay which proves my point me stopping 911 led to a
world that's just fine well I'll see y'all tomorrow Ryan you might want to look outside oh my [Music] God in my shoe in my shoe in my shoe nice work fry whoops well at least Joe gets to be a cyborg free frog Meer you are CR past curfew and therefore in violation of local ordinance redy what the hell happened could I really have caused all this says here that the new American Civil War you set into motion ended up in a series of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern Seaboard it kill
ed 17 million people oh including Caesar Milan no okay okay I get it Stewie I screwed up all right I shouldn't have altered the past but is there anything we can do well the only way to fix this is to return to the moment when we first arrived in the past and stop you from spilling the beans about 911 okay okay let's do [Music] it whoa asoy all right look there we are hey Peter it's 7:00 and you still got your pants on what's the occasion stop both of you what the hell who are you we're you from
the future oh boy this can't be good news who screwed up take a wild guess what did I do well nothing yet but listen whatever you do you cannot tell your former self that Brian about 9/11 if you do America as you know it will cease to exist my God Brian what the hell we've been here 2 minutes and already you've destroyed America okay okay I promise I won't say anything also if you don't give that Stewie a backrub it really messes everything up all right can we go now did that do it did we resto
re the past well let's check 9 11 oh there it is we did it Brian we made 911 happen high five all right high five well that that probably wouldn't look very good out of context there's the writer of the Harry Potter series must be weird hanging out with us Muggles huh Brian yeah well laundream inser huh oh my God all right you obviously have no self-control so we've got to go back and do this again whoa asoy all right let's go hey Peter it's 7:00 and you still got your pants on oh yeah that's ri
ght we just here wait wait who the devil are you we're from the future so are we we are from the further future we came to stop you why what they did actually turns out to be damage-free it's what you're about to do stopping them that causes utter bedum oh come on wait stop we're from the further further future what you guys do eventually works out it's what you two are about to do that ruins everything stop don't do anything oh for God's sake we're from the further further further future what t
hese two do is fine it's what you two do that makes things worse stop wait hold it stop wait hold it stop I don't know what I'm doing here I'm just looking for the can now move hold it free stop wait no oh for God's sake why this is why don't move hold it freeze stop no wait oh my God what's that I don't know what happened this is life for some reason don't do whatever you're about to do God help us this is no way to live wait no don't do it all right everybody shut the hell up all right this is
all right I can't follow what's going on anymore and I'm assuming the rest of you can't either so let's make this easy and take a vote how many think we should prevent 911 raise your hands 579 what okay all right looks like 42 all right who votes yes 911 okay all right 57 all right 911 wins wait wait shouldn't it be an even number why is the total an odd number oh yeah I think one of the Brian died what what do you mean I don't know one of them landed here with its throat slit but wait if one o
f me is dead then shouldn't all the Miis be dead Brian I I don't I it's I don't I don't know anymore I I you know what I guess not all right okay listen up everybody get back in your individual time machines very carefully nobody touch anything no Harry Potter novels don't step on a bug don't give earlier use investment advice just go back to where you came from and stay [Music] [Music] [Music] there there now we're going to do what we should have done in the first place get on wait a minute isn
't this where we just were where the the other two uses they're not here yet just to make sure there are absolutely no Loose Ends I've sent us back in time to the moment just before you and I originally arrived why you'll see get the back in your time machine who are you never mind who I am just get back in your time machine get back to the present and stay there look just calm down you going to Flap your lips are you going to do what I said okay okay my God you just talked to yourself won't tha
t alter the past don't worry Brian if I was successful in restoring the past just now you and I will never have existed the chronological tangent that created us will have been erased oh is it going to hurt just a little [Music] ow oh God my leg is killing me well time travel is risky every time you step into that machine you invite the possibility of altering the world as we know it thankfully the alternate versions of us were there to prevent us from doing whatever it is we apparently did I wo
nder what it was we'll never know but look on the bright side you might be sitting here with a hole in your leg but at least our present Universe hasn't been affected sorry guys I'm going to need the couch the gang and I are going to watch the game all right let's unplug the TV and get [Music] going [Music] [Music] seems all see vience andx but where are those good old fashioned vales on we used to rely [Music] and cry [Music] are good evening I'm Tom Tucker and the reason I'm wearing this mask
is because we've got a makea wish kid in the studio tonight who as you'll find out as The Show Goes On is quite a coffer in Local News Mayor West signed a bill today see that's that's what I was talking about are we going to get that or or are we going to wait for a commercial no no you have to spray it you can't just wipe you know what let's just throw the whole camera out okay Joyce you talk now I I don't even want to open my mouth you know Tom I haven't seen you in a mask since you went under
the stage name George P Wilbur oh Joyce you know we don't talk about that on the air oh my god did she did she just say that George P Wilbur was Tom tuck stage name who the hell is George P Wilbur that's the guy guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4 the greatest movie of all time I've only seen that movie about a thousand times how could I not have noticed that good evening I'm Michael Myers I have enormous psychological problems and I'm going to take them out on you it is him I can't bel
ieve it I mean that's like my favorite movie ever I thought The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas was your favorite movie no that's my favorite period piece well Dad and good night and good luck even though I was tricked into leaving early good night and good luck and good night and good luck to you [Music] sir oh hi Chris how was school it was great I met a girl Mom that's wonderful honey yeah her name is Lindsay like the state is she nice yeah she's really nice and super pretty and her bicycle se
at smells like strawberries ohow okay I'm going to go upstairs and Alternate between hopeful excitement and suicidal pessimism [Music] got to get the energy up found it hey excuse me Mr Tucker you got a second oh hello Peter sure come on in thanks um Hey listen I just found out that you were a guy who played Michael Myers in Halloween 4 and I just want to say I think that was the most brilliant performance ever in a history of everything and I wanted to see if you would sign my DVD oh I suppose
thanks hey so what happened how come you never did any more movies well I tried to make a career out there in Hollywood but I just didn't realize how tough acting is well you know what they say tough acting tting I wish I'd known that then you see life after Halloween 4 wasn't exactly smooth sailing once I stepped out from behind that mask Hollywood gave me the cold shoulder the work I did manage to get was usually just bit parts that didn't last too long like the role of Denise's boyfriend on T
he Cosby Show it's nice to meet you Martin thank you Mrs hble so if you got you guys are a family why are none of you the same shade of black I was also CED out of my skull most of the time but whatever the case I was done I left Hollywood moved back to my hometown of kog and wound up working here as a news anchor wow well don't you miss it every second of every day but I can't touch Coke again it would ruin my life no I mean acting oh of course but it's over for me that's all in the past well i
f you ask me you got the making of a star and I want to help you get there well that's a nice offer but I'm not quite sure how you expect to do that well you brought me so much joy over the years as that lovable murderer of teenagers and I want to return the favor I don't even have an agent anymore well and how about this I'll be your agent you yeah I've seen every episode of Entourage all you need is some fake hair and a bunch of Hobbits hanging around you you're on in 5 minutes Mr Tucker you d
on't belong here you're better than this you're Halloween 4 better look I appreciate your offer but I've got a pretty good thing going here in a few minutes I've got to be on camera in front of 800 people good evening Cog I'm Tom Tucker our top story tonight the Rhode Island Historical Society is heralding the arrival of a cast iron Oak handled Colonial bed sheet warmer now on display in the State House rotunda okay there it is as I understand it they would put the coal inside of that and then p
ut the object Between the Sheets it was very cold back then and it would warm the sheets and I I think that's the gist of it how much footage of this do we have oh oh this is live this can can she hear me okay you you can put it down now you she can't hear me okay what the hell is going on here is is it am I having a stroke wait Peter don't go so you changed your mind yeah buddy we going to Hollywood you betcha but I have to say I thought you'd drive a fancier car what why well aren't you the Pe
ter Griffin of Peter Griffin Cadillac no that's another guy hi hi I'm Peter Griffin and at Peter Griffin Cadillac we believe in three things Fair dealing family and friendship I've lived in kog my whole life I love it here and you're going to love a Peter Griffin Cadillac [Music] scumbag all right Lois remember to feed the cat and remember to get a cat I still don't understand why you got to go all the way to Hollywood because I know Tom Tucker could be a great actor and I'm going to help him ma
ke it happen you see everybody needs just one person to believe in their dreams so they can spread their wings and fly dad can I have money for dance classes sit down you dumpy breadloaf I'd pay to see you not dance when will you be back I don't know but I'll be sure to be back before Chris's big dance class recital I believe in that boy I don't want to dance you'll [Music] dance boy I don't know Peter being back out here makes me kind of nervous maybe maybe this was all a mistake don't be silly
Tom you're an actor and this is where you belong now let's take some of this complimentary luggage and get going well so how do we do this you do nothing you just sit back and let your agent knock on every door in Hollywood till he gets you an acting job and that starts right now yes C can I help you no but I can help you you need to hire this man oh um okay well do you have any experience handling bags aha I see typical Casting Couch stuff all right kid you want to make it in show bizer don't
you I thought the airport was [Music] Hollywood hey Mom I want you to meet my new girlfriend new girlfriend yeah you remember that girl Lindsay I told you about well I asked her out and now we are dating Lynsay this is my mom my little brother Stewie and my dog Brian hey oh my God my goodness look at you do you even realize who you look like Cameron Diaz that's who you are gorgeous well she's awful pretty I know that Mom very pretty stunning are you kidding me are they not seeing this no it's ki
nd of creepy it's almost like he's dating Lois yeah looks like somebody's getting a little Edie [ __ ] can we say that just did all right Tom this is totally going to work all the biggest Hollywood players eat here and we just got to make him think we're one of them that's why I got these old Hollywood Jew glasses waiter oh waiter yes sir are you gentleman ready to order yes I will have the big and fancy and my client here will have a bottle of your best steak right away sir Peter I'm not sure w
hat any of this has to do with getting me acting jobs Tom who's the agent here you are and who's the actor well I am wait which one am I again the agent and who's paying for dinner I assumed you were ah then we best load our pockets with bread and get the hell out of here we have to go not expensive enough excuse me I couldn't help but notice your glasses your poor table manners and your huge sense of entitlement are you an agent I am you've got 10 seconds to dazzle me go well I'm the casting di
rector for NCIS and we need an actor for a small role that shoots tomorrow this is your man that's great he's got just the look we're after show up here at 10: a.m. tomorrow how about that huh Tom you're back in a business wow Peter I can't believe it hey don't be so surprised I've been pounding the pavement for you buddy I even gave out all my business cards call me call me call me call me call me call me call me ah Show Business oh hi you two you know Lindsay I just want to say how nice it is
to have such a beautiful young woman in our home oh a baby I almost had one of you twice who didn't right so what are you two up to tonight well we really haven't decided yet n I'll think of something while I'm taking a chick dump in your parents bathroom and I will hold your purse good for Chris huh he picked a peach didn't he Lois don't you think maybe part of the reason you like Lindsay could be because she looks so much like you what what are you talking about come on she's clearly an awful
person and and I think it's possible that your vanity has made you a little blind to that oh I see what's going on here you're jealous Chris has a wonderful young woman in his life and you've got nothing she's kind of right Brian all you've got is a worn out rope toy and that squirrel who comes by once a day to taunt you hey hey get out of here this is our yard you don't belong there don't you touch anything I told you all this [Music] yesterday to your first big TV acting job we now return to N
CIS oh here it is here comes my part excuse me I'm looking for Ed man zelli good evening I'm Ed maneli what can I do for you I'm looking for a guy used to work here name's Mario you got any idea where he could be I haven't seen him in over a month that's the end of my line your line NCIS you son of a [ __ ] you made me feel again oh don't you go cuz I'll go you know Peter I just want to thank you for all you've done for me you you are one hell of an agent well with you as a client it's easy Mr G
riffin yes Sandra you have a secretary she calls herself an assistant but yes what is it Sandra there's a man here to see you he's says he wants to talk to you about being his agent really well and by all means send him in hey nugle buts Jam James Wood but I I I don't understand I thought you were dead well I'm not I don't believe you God is that true God got are you there come on don't touch yourself you're God I I don't get it last time we saw you Diane Simmons had just stabbed you in the back
with a knife yeah how the hell you come back to life well gentlemen sometimes being a big Hollywood star has its [Music] advantages hey is this guy somebody yeah that's James Woods we got a celebrity here I repeat this is not a normal dead person this is a celebrity being a famous movie star entitled me to top not Medical Care not available to the rest of society my body was immediately taken to a Hollywood hospital where I was hooked up to a 17-year-old anjenu and in accordance with Hollywood
law her life force was infused into me bringing me back from the dead what happened to the girl I threw her out a car window at Nora afron stop making Jack Nicholson a pansy you're thinking of Nancy Meyers you're the same thing wow that's amazing so what do you say Peter will you be my agent I don't get it why would a big shot like you want me for an agent because you're an upand Comer because you're hungry I am hungry but you put me and my family through a lot of crap over the years why would I
want to help you well because you're my agent oh my God you're right I am hey hold on now you came out here to be my agent Tom relax I can take care of your boat you'd be surprised how much I can handle Peter I need you to drop Stewie off a daycare and then shred this big stack of old bank statements you got it Lois is he all always this quiet so Kevin made another attempt on his life last night he drank two bottles of dish soap well we have some news too Chris is dating the most wonderful girl
you know everyone said don't smoke during your pregnancy but I think some of it rubbed off on him cuz now he's cool that's nice well I should go Lois yeah I should probably get going myself oh my God what what is it Lois that girl over there that that's Chris's girlfriend hey you know she kind of looks like you Lois maybe she'll thank me for buying the coffee you think she looks like me too oh my God I'm starting to think Brian was right maybe I have been blinded by my own stupid vanity that gi
rl is nothing but trouble are you going to tell Chris I guess I'll have to but he doesn't take bad news very well oh Chris honey I'm so sorry to tell you this but your grandfather died [Music] all right gentlemen so what do you got for my client well we're making a mediocre action film and we think James is just the guy to do a serviceable job in a supporting role that Jeremy Irons Jeff Goldblum and Craig T Nelson have already passed on well we need to see a script first oh looks good what do yo
u think James I like it good I say we move on this all right then let's negotiate we want everything we'll give you nothing we want something deal ah not this hillbilly from Rhode Island again no thank you this is Peter Griffin famous agent but you can call me PG-13 baboom leave a message hi Peter it's Tom uh just trying to reach you again and you know about that meeting you set up with me on Heath Ledger he he never showed maybe I was at the wrong Panda Express but I it anyway uh call me back H
ey listen thanks for inviting me to lunch Peter I I was starting to get nervous when you weren't returning my calls Tom I I didn't know how to say this to you so here take this piece of paper and you're on in 4 3 2 Peter Griffin drops Tom Tucker as a client you're you're dropping me as a client yeah I just heard it on the news how could you do this look it's a whole different landscape out here since Thursday everything's on computers now Peter I left a very good job for this you're the only rea
son I came back out here I wish I could help you Tom but this is coming from upstairs the karate studio Tom I have to go now but if you're ever Kevin James I want you to give me a call [Music] hello Peter it's me Woody I need a favor what it's like 2 a.m. yeah so listen I'm at chatau Mormon I just met this 18-year-old chick and I can't decide whether to take her home or keep going blow with Tom seore and see if I can do better later in the night well okay um do do you love her what look I'm text
ing you her picture just tell me if you think she's hot enough I what is this a picture of is that the bottom of a white pumpkin is she hot or not I I guess okay good great so clear out of your apartment we're going to be there in 15 what I'm sleeping why can't you bring it to your place I don't know man it's my aunt's daughter it's [Music] weird Chris honey there's something I want to talk to you about what your mom come on in Chris you know your girlfriend Lindsay yeah well honey I saw her mak
ing out with a another boy was she kissing with her mouth or her pants mouth because she does both Chris I can't believe you knew about this that's terrible why would you even date a girl like that well because I I thought she'd be like you like me well you got to admit mom she does look a lot like you I mean I just look at you and Dad you know he he's a complete train wreck and you put up with him and I'm no prize myself so I guess I figured if I don't find a girl just like you I might never fi
nd anyone oh Chris of course you'll find someone and you are a prize you're a handsome kind-hearted young man and any girl would be lucky to have you in her life you really think so of course I do sweetheart thanks Mom now I'm going to take the child filter off the computer and I want you to have a fun night okay this is it James I got your next project right here Peter you've pitched me dozens of projects and all of them involve me playing a hay ride driver I don't know I just see you doing tha
t you know this year it's vampires next year it's hay these things go in Cycles Peter this is probably a good time to fire you what come on Peter who are we kidding you're a oneman operation you know me I need a whole crew I need a drugs guy a girls guy a fitness guy a guy with a boat who can dump stuff way out there kind of guy but but you're my only client without you I'm ruined well that's Show Business now if you excuse me I have to answer this fake phone call hello Grimace from McDonald's s
orry Peter I got to take this no I understand hey Tom how you doing what do you want James Woods fired me listen I've been thinking I was a real jerk to you I drag you out here only to dump you when you needed me the most I guess what I'm saying is I'm really sorry about everything sorry doesn't cut it Peter I quit my job I left everything behind to come out here I know but I was just trying to help I never wanted to let let you down well I suppose your only crime is that you believed in me and
then stop believing in me rather abruptly so what do you say you're ready to go back to where we both belong yep let's go home sounds good hey check out this picture James Woods texted me what is that a balloon running out of air yeah see I was hoping you would know it's his cousin anus good evening Cog I'm Tom Tucker and I'm Joyce Kenny Tom I think I speak for all of us here at channnel 5 news when I say it's good to have you back here at half your original salary still twice yours Joyce our to
p story tonight cooh Hog's first organic Supermarket opens this weekend so head on down before the gays turn it into a cruising ground like they did the Barnes & Noble upstairs coffee bar which they had to close well I'm just happy Tom got his job back but I'm sorry I missed meeting your girlfriend Chris that's okay Dad yeah Chris I never asked you why did Lindsay say when you broke up with her oh she didn't seem to mind I think she already moved on to someone else thanks for buying me these clo
thes Glen you're welcome and you're dismissed do I still get to keep the [Music] 20 [Music] [Music] seems all see violence and but good old fashioned [Music] vales laugh and cry are hello I'm Brian Griffin and I'm Stewie Griffin a few years ago we did an episode called viewer mail where you our fans wrote in and suggested ideas for new episodes well it's 10 years later but you're still sending in ideas uh to Rashad in Little Rock we want to let you know we kicked around your idea make the baby g
o wild for a while couldn't really find an angle on it here's one from Lee Mills of Iowa Lee writes dear family gu was your show based on anything that's a great question Lee in fact family guy is based on an American television series called The Simpsons actually Family Guy much like the office is based on a British series called chap of the manor let's [Music] watch we now return to Britain's most popular game show wheel of polit do go ahead then oh no you first wouldn't dream of it too kind i
ist wouldn't be proper of me I appreciate your courtesy likewise well we're all out of time join us same time tomorrow if it's not entirely inconvenient for you if so of course we do understand and we do apologize in advance this has all been an imposition I'm so dreadfully sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry everyone all right kids enough Telly I hope everyone's pet for some boiled lamb shank none for me Lydia I'm meeting me mates down at the pub again but Neville you spend all your time down at the
fox and pig and dog and wolf and Cat and Fiddle and whistle and [ __ ] and that's where you're wrong the fox and pig and dog and wolf and Cat and fiddle and whistle and [ __ ] is for tosses we're meeting at the dog and cat and bow and whistle and Fiddle and [ __ ] and pig and wolf and carriage and five and other wolf but I need you to stay and have a chat with Collingsworth I found him with another [ __ ] in his mouth this morning oh is that right so you're fancy [ __ ] do you well here have a o
ld carton of [ __ ] I just want to come last to look upon me with favor I look on you with favor I look on all of you with favor shut up British Meg look at Lydia what a two bit witchy tie [ __ ] one of these days she's going to wake up kiled oh m side yet another of your childhood whims no it ain't I'm going to follow through wait why'd you say it like that cutway sir hey that's good then friends family and characters random to bring you Joy and laughter in tandem to divert and Dazzle is Our in
tention so sit back relax and enjoy our invention oh I love summer good evening billsburg I'm Clive Crowley coming up a man with a gun and two bullets has taken over the city of Manchester but first our top story tonight Her Majesty the queen will be passing through our very town tomorrow with details we now go live to Indian reporter Trisha dasgupta oh my goalie there is much commotion thank you Trisha after the interval find out which 12 football teams tied tonight the Queen's coming to Billin
gs spury that's bloody sweet you know I'm actually a relation of the royal family you most certainly are not where would you get that idea my mom used to claim she was a windsor and I always had my nana talk about how she took a Duke must have been a difficult marriage too cuz every afternoon she'd be belly aching about her bloody Duke I think you just had a gross grandmother no I'm quite sure of it and to prove it I'm going to knit one of the Queen's ears during a visit tomorrow and when the DN
A proves a match you'll see I'm royalty the queen eh i' like to mash my Banger in her blood pudding Googy Googy glop hello Lads oh hello Sheamus right fine performance at a cricket match today I I was Spirited to have you down there watching me well it's a brilliant day for a long and confusing game of Cricket the field is teaming with men in helmets who don't seem like they need helmets and men not in helmets who seem like they probably should be wearing helmets oh he's B to clear out of the st
adium is that good we don't know but it's what we do y yay oh my goodness the queen is going to be here presently this is oh exciting my favorite part before the queen arrives is yelling wanker at Prince Charles as he passes wanker wanker I know I know wanker wanker yes I know yes wanker you're a wanker wanker right quite right spot on he's got it I say a lot of people have turned out to see the queen should make for a grand day hey watch is [Music] that good share will chap well BL here she com
es very well Time for Action a lock of the Queen's hair shall soon be mine here she comes have about it then Cy this is a haircut fit for a queen oh bloody hell all right time for Plan B let's go I'm not going any lower well father you gave it a good go oh we're not done yet come on queen queen give me some of your air come on Queen don't be a [ __ ] get us away from that [Music] lunatic she's heading into that tunnel dear God the Queen's dead all right calling sth I got it here now just walk aw
ay casual like and we're in the clear oh no here come the [Music] coppers bu well it turns out I'm not royalty Shame about the queen though yeah I reckon she's with Jesus Christ in heaven now well I'm just happy our family is safe and sound back in our cozy Rous [Music] Rous we now return to the Comedy Central roast of Robin Williams Oh man Robin Williams is my favorite he must be getting recognized for all his contributions to show business I don't think that's what a roast is Robin as a comic
it's an honor to be up here roasting you as a movie goer I want to punch you in the face oh that's funny Advocate violence and let's face it Mork you're getting now new now old stop it you stop it Robin Williams has a manic gift that gladdens a sad world and all he asks in return is our unceasing attention how can you allow this Robin Williams has given us nothing but joy I wish everyone was Robin Williams boy that looks enticing yeah this is [Music] nice oh my God what happened you were in a co
ma and then I kissed you and you woke up like 2 days later anyway all your numbers are normal what numbers no idea well congratulations you're going to be just fine oh my God you you're Robin Williams ding thank you for playing that obvious tell him what he's won Cletus money money or as Republicans call it mine I hope this is covered by your HMO I was covered once by an HMO in San Francisco I hate my ashberry in these jeans ding ding reron ah you got all those references in there of course now
everyone can afford healthcare because of Obama yeah you own a Band-Aid no problem turkey come on down to Obama Mar the price is free but your ass better vote for me H political with a Twist it's funny from the news what's going on in here you got to check this out it's right Robin Williams a nurse is a nurse of curse up yours Wilbur oh my God everyone I touch turns into Robin Williams yes Peter sweet cheeks Griffin you have been given the power from God I will be so responsible with this thanks
guys bye see you Peter you all come back now you here it's Patch Adams Robin he cures stuff the fun way not the medicine [Music] way so somehow the lightning gave your dad the power to turn anyone I touch into Robin Williams Peter did Dr Hartman say how long this was going to last there is no more Dr Hartman Lois he's Robin Williams now bet your kids never thought your dad would have superpowers HH P you Pat my back I Pat yours and Pat Robertson Pats Mr Happy yeah yes Praise Jesus with your Vis
a card Max it out on the Lord people oh boy and that's the second Southern preacher one look Brian Meg is one of the sensitive bearded Robin Williams characters H you think that's funny Chief well I my wife is dead oh I'm I'm I'm sorry she's dead chief dead The Grateful Dead please do not take the brown acid it will turn you into a martian take me to your wiener [Music] will he rocks in the treetop all the day anding and singing song all little birds on J Street love to the robin go twe I don't
know Peter this all seems kind of creepy what do you mean this is great everyone's hilarious now what do you think quag May what I can't hear a thing over this noise what this is unbearable I think I got just a thing to cheer you up Joe I know I said I was a leg man but this is ridiculous I feel like a testicle on steroids honey I shru my nuts I'm a San Francisco Go Pirate I hate my ashberry in these jeans a lot of the material is [Music] repeated Lois your torso is so Broad and solid you're not
Lois I can hear you I'm not deaf I don't believe that's real sign language Brian this is a disaster I turned everyone into Robin Williams you got to help me yo yo yo Peter G what's happening dog oh sideways hat Robin dear God no going to have some hot tea baby this morning run for run all right rert all we have to do is act like Robin Williams and he'll think we've already changed H scattered stream of references lots of energy one good one for every 10 [Music] H damn these hands well I haven't
been to Temple in a while ladies and gentlemen the door run bis run oh I'm a Mercedes and where are your peppers are you from East or West Berlin well I'm from West Berlin Pilgrim shut up stop riffing jump Forest jump must be a leap here time to lose some weight Deary no more [Music] comedy all right guys will you please settle down can we can we settle down please every everyone everyone can I have your attention please oh captains my captains I have an announcement to make you are all free yo
u have been fired from the school Vietnam is over the hospital is closing Will Hunting is all better such your fault it's not your fault it's not your fault your fault shut up shut seriously shut up please you are done here go and spread your comedy to all corners of this country wait not you five I'm going to keep you for an experiment oh eggs who came first the chicken or the porn star oh the porn identity who am I oh yeah the pizza man ch wow wow Peter can you pass the coffee sure Brian the d
og anything for my [Music] family I guess Disney wouldn't let us do the Aladdin [Music] one St rise and shine good morning Stewie you you ready for the day sweetie oh someone needs a diaper change are you proud of yourself that that this is what you do is this a dime did you swallow a dime yeah wipe it off and put it back in your purse you white trash hen there we go who's my clean little boy your roots are ridiculous I'm going to grab your hair cuz I like crabbing stuff okay okay Stewie let go
let go Stewie let go on Mommy's hair when I grow up I'm never going to call you I'm going to be busy with my job and my family you'll be [Music] nothing Stewie I want you to have my ring it's one of my most important possessions and I want you to have it okay red flag red flag [Music] everybody hey Stewie want to go down the slide um what's the matter you never been down the slide before yeah like like a thousand times just done it so much I'm bored with it that's all all right I guess we're doi
ng this whoa come on down Stewie this is crazy this is crazy this is crazy all right you can do this stey here we go are you okay yeah that wasn't so bad you might want to move that farting polish kid is coming down the slide ah [Music] [Music] P Hey kid come here I want to see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth why don't you go hump a pile of garbage all right here we go classic uhoh Ryan Ryan guess I'm going for a [Music] ride why we stopping oh come on the gold s Bri is just
a squirrel yeah oh God he can't hurt you anymore hey there little fell we sure got a lovely day for it don't we stay away from my brother's butt okay Stewie let's get that little face washed off then you can play with your bath toys huh no I I hate getting my face washed oh look it's just Mr Frog hello Mr Frog oh God how the hell do I keep falling for that now you play with your toys and I'll go get you a nice fluffy towel steuart Griffin Explorer Adventurer skin diving International [Music] Pla
yboy I'm swimming at night cuz I'm a [ __ ] and now I'm paying the price for it hey Stewie well looks like you got some cool bath toys in there is it okay if I join you no hey is that my froggy butt [Music] cloth okay Stewie bed time's in 10 minutes I'll be right back I think I have time for a quickie excuse me Mr ban look I know you're depressed made some bad choices with women but there's another way hug andar lots of hug andar let's see if it worked here we go ha you're still alive you fat ok
ay snowy time for bed oh you want Mommy to read you a night night story oh how about this one good night town from Footloose good night flower Mill good night abandoned Warehouse where you dance when you're mad who is this book for good night church where you slap your daughter good night Kevin Bacon's life savings that he invested with Bernie made off hey Lois I'm home from the clam you know what that means well you spent the last 10 minutes parked in front of the house crying in your car not n
ow Peter I'm doing Story Time with Stewie yeah scram drinky I got a story it's about a little penis that could it thinks it can it thinks it in fact it's pretty sure it can it it it's it's GNA hey am I going to have to handle this you want me to handle this Peter just go wait in the bedroom I'll be right there fine but if I got to pee first this night's going to be ruin ruin good night sweetie mommy loves you it's big isn't it yes Peter it's very big yeah it's big oh God yes yes yeah oh you're g
oing to use that thing good I love you so much [Music] it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV but it good fashion vales we [Music] us we now return to Jeopardy presents the best of contestant banter so Ben it says here you have a connection to milk yes funny story I discovered recently that I have an allergy to milk so I guess we won't be eating any cheese around you and Dennis you once spent a night in a tent so uh what do you guys got planned for the weekend I don'
t know I might sit out in the front yard with a rake and wave at cars yeah and I found a hole in my fence I was going to maybe stick stuff through God look at us how we become so dull and pathetic you're right I mean we used to have have hobbies remember when I was a horse whisperer that's right I bet you're hungry it's okay I calmed you down you horse maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up hey that's a good idea Joe all right okay I have two ideas one that I th
ink is awesome and one that I think is stupid see if you can guess which one is which we could either a rob a a mafia poker game or B Skydive skydiving huh I'd be totally up for that yeah I've always wanted to try skydiving really it could be fun I guess besides I haven't done anything new since I learned how to use a palm frond so do I try to match your speed yeah just match my speed and do we stagger our waves or do them at the same time um they should have covered this in orientation guards h
ave the new guy executed am I a new [Music] guy all right we're almost at our jumping out of dude does anyone have any questions yeah I got one can I listen to my iPod on the way down of course just as long as it's not Tom Petty's free Fallen I'll just keep it in my pocket any other questions let's do this that wasn't a question back of the line okay let's do this hey waa is that Harrison Ford yeah it said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps get off my plane get off my plane get o
ff my plane oh look he even brought kalista flart with him yeah Peter I think that's just a piece of paper good cuz she looked fat get off my plane get off my plane get off my plane oh yeah this is amazing I know it's unbelievable hey guys let's try to recreate this feeling for the rest of our lives with drugs oh looks like it's almost time for us to pull our cords wait wait guys how about this last one to open this shoot gets 20 bucks okay I'm in damn it I'm dead already Peter you're looking at
a dead man I might not even pull the cord at all holy crap this is awesome I haven't felt a rush like this since I won that Marathon I'm Bob Costas here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin Peter how did you do it I'll tell you Bob I just got in my car and drove it and when there was a guy in my way I killed him kids have you seen your father hello is dinner almost ready yes Peter God where are you I can barely hear you pull back my chair ever so slightly Daddy's home all right it's 4:59 i
n just a few seconds all the unreturned library books will be officially late the wenus was already draw in the books when I got him Libra a strange man will drop into your life H Pisces be careful at work [Music] today go go go go go go go go go a he so should have died this is bull crap stop smiling 90% of the people play in this are [Music] pooping hey Lois when are you going to do the laundry I got like six parachutes in there Peter those things are choking up the washing machine oh so now I
got you a bad washing machine for Christmas little tips Stewie love dies and that's okay I write down all his advice in a little notebook yesterday's was I've never seen a pigeon die from eating food on the ground so what's the big whoop Peter this skydiving thing has got to stop you've destroyed half the neighborhood and I'm afraid you're going to really hurt yourself well I'm sorry Lois but skydiving is I am now it's like they say fish got to swim Birds got to fly and gay guys got to criticiz
e the host of the party behind his back oh my god look a bowl of M&M's what are we six I know and remind me to get the recipe for those chopped up hot dogs oh my God Josh this party is so amazing everything is perfect we're having so much fun oh thanks I'm so glad you guys could make it come on he saw us let's go first time yeah you no no no not my first time thanks for the lift Gil I think I'll take the express [Music] [Applause] down just as gorgeous as ever actually puts me in the mind to wri
te a spoken word poem am I falling or am I flying am I am I living or am I dying oh great spirit free me from the bonds of gravity and criticism deliver me from my greatest enemy his name is Peter more specifically Peter's shyness in public oh great spirit why do I hold myself back in such situation oh ground damn it the Eiffel Tower oh cool I'm in Paris hey look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt a crap I'm in Vegas [Music] well Peta I'm glad you're all right but I hope this is the e
nd of your skydiving career yeah I'm sorry Lois you know when I thought I was going to die I saw my whole life flash before my eyes and we did way too much Star Wars crap I should get the kids home it's way past dinner what she really means is that it's shaky mommy's white wine time let's go kids come on we really got to go kids let's go come on excuse me now that your family is gone would you you mind if we turn on the TV oh hey I didn't know anyone was here I uh I was just kidding when I told
my family I L them I am Mahmud I'm Peter you know I never seen a hat like that before so I'm very scared of it no this is just a it's a traditional Muslim prayer cap oh hey you know who looked funny wearing one of those the Monopoly guy correct go directly to jail and convert to Islam cuz they do that yes that is what I intended hey you're all right mam you too Peter so uh what do you want to watch well if you turn on Channel 14 we can probably catch the end of Muslim Looney Tunes as a pig I am
very dirty and should not be touched by [Music] humans so how was the hospital Peter oh my God that place was incredible they have this one jar whole thing was full of cotton balls it's amazing how far medical technology has come well sure is good to have you back Joe is uh chattier than think he'd be when you're not here look I'm just saying if Pro is the opposite of con what is the opposite of progress think about it you know I actually had a pretty good time in a hospital I even made a new fr
iend you did yeah his name's mmud in fact I told him to swing by if he had time it's Congress hello Peter oh hey you made it hey guys this is mammood mmud this is Brian Quagmire and Joe hello hi there hey there hello how are you have a seat any friend of Peters is a friend of ours hey Mamud you know I'm actually glad you're here settle an argument we were having earlier which Spanish chick has been better jugs Salma haak or the other one oh but I do not pay attention to such things I am married
what okay well how about this Mamud you know progress has the word Pro in it right shut up Joe hey you guys come on let's get the Mana drink what are you having how about the ginger ale but if you'll excuse me right now I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom isn't he great no he's weird why do you order a ginger ale and who the hell doesn't look at jugs yeah and he's got his cell phone clipped to his belt like he's some kind of big shot on vacation oh I see what's going o
n you guys are uncomfortable with mamood because he's Muslim what what are you talking about this is your post 911 racism talking I for one think it's great that Peter has enough of an open mind to have a Muslim friend you know a lot of dogs just sit outside tied to poles look mud's my friend okay so he's Muslim every culture has its quirks Italian guys talk with their hands a lot irish guys drink a lot black guys change their shirts while they tell you a story so how's ber dead she's all right
she's taking interior design classes down at the community college I mean she's good at hair cutting and everything everything they gave her the chair right by the door but I guess now she wants to hang plates on the wall or whatever and you know she gained a weight back from the lap band right that burn it dead in her pie you know it brother okay I'm going to go eat this steak in the bathroom thanks for getting dinner man wow this place is really cool mammood it's like ear blooding sounds had s
ex with nose blooding smells and this is their baby I am glad you are enjoying yourself would you like some of my meat FN it's a chicken that has been yelled at for 2 hours and then run over by Mercedes oh you can really taste the fear and the chicken you know Peter a lot of people are not as accepting of Muslim culture as you are well I think everything about it is the best like this hookah I mean who doesn't want to sit around the table with a bunch of guys and suck on the same thing it's like
smoking my grandfather's jacket man I wish I could stay here all night Mamud but I'm supposed to pick up the dry cleaner before it closes I killed a mouse with my tie nonsense I'll have my wife pick it up for you what she do that oh absolutely I need you to run an errand for my friend Peter of course anything for you husband that was amazing she just listened to everything you said of course she listened in Muslim culture wives are much more obedient no way that's awesome so wait let me get thi
s straight sweet hat obedient wife and I get to shout Admiral abar when I do stuff you sir have got yourself a Muslim [Music] Peter where are you going and why are you dressed like that well I wish I happen to be a Muslim now which means I'll be spending a lot of my time in mostly empty cafes watching soccer on an 8- in black and white TV yes the team I like is kicking it oh no the team I don't like is kicking it yes the team I like is kicking it again I will celebrate with finger [Music] symbol
s hey is that for real that that diarrhea only shine on your bathroom PE Peter this is my friend Omar he can teach you many things about our faith including how to ululate what's that it's this oh my God that's terrifying I don't know if I'm ready for that no Peter it's okay just sing the beginning of labomba but don't say the labomba part oh okay yes good job you're doing it B Ooh So Close all right Lois I'm off to the bazaar what do you mean you mean the market yeah the bizar well if you're go
ing to the market can you pick up some cereals some butter and a loaf of bread I'll see what they have all right Lois he has six cobras a bolt of silk and a Rams Horn Peter what the hell hey can you help me with the 20 paper bags of dates I got in the car why the hell would you get 20 bags of dates the monkey in a little vest who was selling them happened to be very persuasive you know what fine I'm just going to assume this will pass like you're everywhere is a rocketball court phase so Mike no
w that you've thoroughly kicked my butt all over the court what he say we'd take one quick second to talk about the witchar count and let me assure you my ret ball game is no indication of how we do business here at JT Stern okay zero serving zero I have to say Peter I am impressed by how much you have committed yourself to Islam are you kidding it's awesome I even started wearing leather sandals with wait too long toenails see how the big ones are getting yellow ah yes very Muslim listen Peter
some friends of mine and I are getting together tonight and we wanted to invite you to join us om m a i am so there whose crappy van should we take actually we are meeting here follow me oh hey you guys hey is anyone going to object if I pick my nose with a dagger Mamud who is this man why would you bring him here do not worry this is Peter he believes in our cause how can you be sure give him the test who is better Hulk Hogan or the iron Chic um the iron Chik okay he is one of us I told you loo
k at him he's the perfect man to help us blow up the kohawk bridge oh my God everybody down so are these toys just like to [Music] take hey guys what football team should I like mmud says we all need to act like we're fans of American football so we seem less spicious what what are you talking about I'm talking about my mood you know I actually feel really bad for him do you know he knew 19 guys who died on 9/11 I mean what are the odds Peter I think you joined a terrorist Sleeper Cell what that
's crazy look I'm going to call mood right now on this cell phone he gave me he'll tell you damn phone's busted maybe I dialed [Music] wrong Peter please stop trying to call mamood this is very serious your friends are terrorists think about it they're they're meeting in secret they're creating cover stories oh my God you're right see I told you mood was bad news those guys are all bad news hang on there Quagmire just because these few guys are terrorists doesn't mean all Muslims are every ethni
c group has their nut jobs we have the unibomber Timothy McVey and even that fat guy at the Atlanta Olympics who didn't do it but he looked mean so he said he did Joe you don't get to talk about the regular Olympics well I got to go down there right now and tell mamood we can't be friends anymore wait a minute Peter this could actually be an opportunity you're already in their group they trust you if you can find out what they're planning next we might actually be able to stop an act of Terror y
ou'd be a hero well I I could try I mean I am a pretty good actor remember how upset I seemed to get when Lois said she was leaving town with the kids for a few days oh my God I'm going to miss you guys so much don't forget to call and let me know exactly when you'll be back get out okay you're all set remember we'll be in the van listening to everything so if anything goes wrong we'll pull you right out of there don't you worry Joe I'll blend in like a chameleon and Courtney L's crotch oh my Go
d where did you just come from a very very bad hiding place okay before we get started I have an announcement from headquarters no more shorts and this isn't coming from me this is management this is about me isn't it they don't name names they just say no more shorts okay all right this is our Target the kohawk bridge we loaded the van with explosives which we will drive to the bridge wait a minute explosives is this not improv class no is is this improv are you doing improv no now get out that
door the real door yes I have a question when exactly are we doing the bombing the attack will happen tomorrow during afternoon rush hour and that's actually where you come in Peter in order to get past the checkpoint at the toall plaza we will need an American behind the wheel to arouse the the least amount of Suspicion sorry can you repeat all that I just had an itch right by my microphone microphone he's wearing a wire Hey Joe can I ask you a question can you fart oh of course I can I got a
button for it right here oh cool hold on oh no it sounds like they found Peter's wire change of plans the attack happens now [Music] now Drive man I never thought it would end like this why what did you imagine well basically the same thing only Nathan Lane now [Music] Drive okay you're good to go pull over up here please Mamud don't do this it is too late the job must be done look I know you're mad at our government but you got to realize that's only part of America we're the land of the free a
nd the home of the sunburnt freckled fat guide a place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations a country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting and where ubu is considered a good dog even though he never sat we are the proud Nation where someone can shoot up their entire work place with a thing and then the next day nobody talks about banning that thing it's the land that lets people on Twitter spell the word there any way they want and wh
ere If You Think You Can Dance that assertion will be challenged and evaluated for we are America you will not convince me America must pay for its sins hold it right there Mamud you're under arrest look Joe I drove a van [Music] oh Peta I'm so glad you're okay oh me too Lois that was some pretty rough stuff you you didn't cry did you well I mean I went through an awful lot Peter if you cried we are done great job Peter thanks to you 30 terrorists are behind bars and every middle class Arab in t
his town is now Under Suspicion so what happens next do those guys all get trials well you know some of them it's it's song it's the process whatever well what do you guys say we all go celebrate at the clam that's a great idea yeah I think we could all use a drink tell you what let me call Horus and tell him to get our table [Music] ready just let's go let's go let's go let's go let's [Music] go [Music] it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV but we at those good old
fashioned values we used [Music] to and cry hey everyone you'll never guess who I ran into with a market just now your hairdresser who's almost dead from cancer Ross Fishman your old boyfriend the one with the penis Peter would you stop being so jealous I dated Ross 20 years ago that's right and that means he had you first Lois I'll always be Scotty Pippen to his Michael Jordan ladies and gentlemen Michael Jordan and Scotty Pippin he's also good why didn't they do Jordan last alphabetical oh rig
ht that's smart you're smart but still Peter don't be ridiculous Ross's wife was with him and in fact they invited us all over for dinner tonight oh come on Lois I hate that guy I don't want to have dinner with him hey it's cooked full food in another house that's exciting for Life over women like me we're going all right fine but I'm going to stare at his wife's boobs so hard that when they both go into the kitchen together it will be [Music] discussed the cold car ride through a dark Suburban
night look out the window and think of death kids it's a coming ah wow Pam everything smells terrific did you make all of this yourself yeah I just got home from work put down the lawyer briefcase and put on the chef's hat you know how it is nah she don't do nothing so Peter Lois tells me that you're working at the brewery I think that's great a real job trading Futures that's not real but the money is unreal hey to real jobs that's it fisherman shirts off I want to see who's got bigger pecs PE
well they look better when they're oiled up pass the salad dressing oh no it's an almost empty squeeze bottle hang on it's all out there's dressing on that salad give me that salad yeah who's the better man now Ross Brian what are you doing down there they didn't set a place for me not a dog family oh go away go away you so Ben do you go to James Wood's high no I'm a junior at The Meadows it's a private school oh do they do it so right at The Meadows class size is so small and they really know y
our child they care Mr Wiggins rested his thing on Jen Crosby's shoulder during a test yes I'm told James Wood's High leads the nation in teacher to student thing resting well it's family that really matters and no family is closer than ours that's why we love taking trips together here we are in mchu picu is that the topless place in South adoro I spat on a chick there at a work Retreat Peter just stop talking what we've been places ain't so great well this year is perhaps our biggest trip ever
we're climbing Mount Everest oh yeah is is that right well so are we we are Peter I highly doubt that I mean no offense but it doesn't look like your family would be up to the task I think he's right about that after all we couldn't even turn a double play all right Griffin's on the ground we're going a second let's turn two here ground balls a double play ball plays a second let's look sharp tough D tough de let's flash that leather heading the game play a second this infield is a Great Wall o
f China nothing's getting past us good D behind you briy good D all around I'm okay everyone don't worry I am okay my voice sounds weird this is weird I know but I feel fine man what a bunch of jerks yeah we should call Ross and tell him this is the hospital and your mom's dead and then he'll be like what hospital and we'll be like St abs and then and then that's like two jokes look I'm sorry Lois I I know we can't climb Mount Everest it's just that guy really got to me and I wanted to stick it
to him will you call tomorrow and make some excuse it doesn't make me look bad oh I know tell him I'm a pathological liar and that I've been under a lot of stress because of the child rape charges I'm facing I think we should do it what Lois you you can't be serious oh I'm dead serious you think I like sitting there pretending to be polite to those people while they talk down to us like that well I'm sick of it I'm sick of this family always feeling second best I want to do something we can be p
roud of I want Stewie Meg and Chris to grow up with some confidence then don't buy our shoes at the car wash but climbing the world's most dangerous mountain isn't that a little extreme maybe but if the Fishman's can do it so can we yeah we're just as good as him or any other family that's right you guys we're climbing Mount Everest let's do it yay I drank seven cups of coffeee at the fish B's a crap it's Quagmire I don't want him knowing about this he's always trying to Horn in on our plans hey
what's going on you guys up to something sh kids don't move [Music] hello so we're really doing this we're actually going to climb Mount Everest how are you okay with this well if we make it to the summit I could pee there and then it would be mine cuz the rule is the highest pee wins okay gang once we arrive in Nepal we'll get all the supplies we need for the trip up Everest okay but remember kids the people there have never seen people before so when they walk up to you quickly stuff a dollar
bill in their mouth then you can pet him as much as you want is that true Dad yeah truth is I don't know nothing about this place I don't even know why it's called Nepal the mountains look like nipples well you can't just call a country nipples what about Nepal ooh I like that ha shocker God gets it right [Music] okay now we got to make sure we've got all the provisions before we head up to base camp cuz I don't think there's going to be a star Market halfway up the mountain Mom that's our loca
l market at home okay let's split up and meet in an hour in front of the Yak Shack and my mom is pounding on the door and I'm like Mom don't come in here I'm yaking off boo so I've been carrying this really promiscuous guide around and my back starts itching I go to the doctor turns out I got shpes yeah I'll meet you guys here I'm just going to be here Peter I don't think we need a donkey for this climb of course we don't need a donkey Lois it's a status thing here you leather man you sell me do
nkey I don't know what it is but you have got [Music] it oh my God it's enormous Lois this is probably a terrible time to remember this but I think I might have left the weed whacker on Wow look who's here I didn't believe you'd actually follow through with this oh hey fisherman Hey listen on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is the bathroom situation up here like 10 is a suite at the Four Seasons and one is a tied up raincoat sleeve at a party in your honor yes we're here Ross when our family says tha
t we're going to do something we follow through with it yeah in fact not only are we going to climb it we are going to beat you guys to the top I seriously doubt that oh yeah yeah well so do I yeah so you watch it fishermen we are going to beat you so bad you'll think you gave Chris Brown an STD is that what happened you're not going to beat us to the top in fact you probably won't even climb Everest at all you don't have the nerve like hell I don't getting to the top ahead of you is going to be
one of the greatest moments of my life might even be graduating from chiropractice school Robert Baker Brad obannon anyone [Music] okay the fishermen are heading up the North Face but I've been studying this map and I think we've got a better chance of beating them if we go up the South pH oh we don't need a map Brian I got us a gpms machine go up what do you think just go up sorry okay can everyone just stop freaking out and just give me like two minutes go everyone's always yelling at me what
all the questions all right well maybe we'll turn you on later and see how you feel she was so nice in the store well come on on everyone let's get [Music] started Brian I'm not sure I can do this it's chillier out here than Angelina Jolie something like that I I don't know I'm I'm so cold she took that sad old lady's husband you're just going to have to block out the cold Stewie picture yourself in a warm place okay I think I can do [Music] that [Music] oh my God how are we supposed to get acr
oss this we have to walk on those ladders guys be sure to look down the whole time it's really deep and freaky and disorienting oh my god dad it's okay there's a huge pile of dead bodies down here that cushion my fall do any of them seem like they have any extra tampons in their backpack uh no no like you checked and there aren't any now or no you're just assuming I I'm embarrassed Peter you left the flap open like 1,000° in here Lois close the tent now it's freezing headline woman [Music] cold
my God I think I see the fisherman they're down on that Ridge we're ahead of them well then let's keep moving you guys we can do this we can beat them hey you know I heard when you drink at high altitude it hits you even faster W party I love you guys you don't know how much you mean to me you think you're better than me why can't you hit a curveball I've done nothing with my life [Music] hey cats is everybody cool Sammy Davis Jr what are you doing up here whatever Frank tells me to do man hey S
am get back in here and carry my golf clubs yes BOS seems kind of racist doesn't it no no cuz cuz Samy's in on it okay but he's still carrying the clubs [Music] this is so hard I can't do this mom come on keep pushing kids we're almost there I'm feeling nauseous I think I got altitude sickness hey Brian you want a picle I would love a picle I can see the top of the mountain let's move it [Music] we made it I don't believe it we climbed Mount Everest isn't it amazing Brian you can see for oh you'
re doing your P thing right I don't really know what the point is I mean there's no way other dogs can smell this trust me Stewie they'll know know they'll know the world is now mine no way oh my God you guys I'm so proud of us all we made it we proved that we're not second best well look who finally got here you you beat us don't feel too bad gang we only beat you by 1 hour 12 minutes and 43 seconds and quite frankly we're bored of it up here see you guys enjoy it we're going to head back down
I hate those guys yeah me too come on let's head back down at least the hot pot's over I'm not so sure about that you might want to take a look at those storm [Music] clouds oh my God yeah looks like it's closing in fast we're all going to die all right everyone get into a hilarious pose so when they dig out our bodies they'll have a good laugh huh this guy's pretty funny [Music] this is terrible the storm keeps getting worse mom I can't even see and the scoff Brian called a gay waste makes a ra
ther important appearance I'm so hungry me too I don't know if I can keep going Peter I still don't understand how the hell can we already be out of food didn't I tell you to bring Trax yeah but by that I thought you meant a set list of totally a some tunes which I do have I got and after this it's everybody dance now and after that it's come baby come that sounds like Jack jams it is similar to Jack jams it is Jack jams you guys look there's something up ahead I think it's a person oh my God ma
ybe they have food maybe it's a rescue team [Music] oh my God it's Ben Fishman is he yep he's dead oh great not only are we caught in this blizzard but there's some Maniac up here freezing people to death that poor boy we should bury him it's only right yeah yeah we we should Lois you're right or we could could what eat him Brian look if we don't don't eat something soon we're all going to pass out from exhaustion and freeze to death just like him are we really considering this we're talking abo
ut eating a person yeah I'm not so sure about this Oh I thought we decided I'm sorry well I guess we don't have a choice I am oddly prepared for this oh God Peter I hope Ben would forgive us for what we did look we needed to eat the same way Birds need to fly what do you mean you don't have our names on there my wife and I absolutely have to be on this flight I'm doing the best I can sir do you have your confirmation number I think you'll find all the information you need on here sir this is jus
t a piece of paper with the word South written on it can I speak to your supervisor you guys there's someone up ahead Ben Ben oh my God it's the Fishman's they look terrible have you seen Ben we lost him in the storm we're headed back up to find him I just hope he's not trapped in some crevice somewhere well my gut tells me he'll be squeezing himself out of a crevice very [Music] soon oh we finally made it below the storm look I see base camp yay we're going to be [Music] okay wait we have to go
back what what are you talking about kids your mom is clearly Delirious from the altitude I say we leave her behind and marry that hot new assistant from my work look Ben freezing to death was one thing we had nothing to do with that but we just let Ross and Pam walk back up there probably to their deaths and you know what that's not who we are we're the Griffins and you know how we win you know how we keep from being second best we do the right thing we go back up there and Save them tell me a
gain why we ate a person before we ate the dog your mom's right let's head back up there plus if we don't rescue the fisherman their Jewish God is just going to sit there and make us feel guilty you do whatever you [Music] want over here I think I smell him oh my god look down there we got to get them out they'll die down there well we've got some rope quick Peter get the only one strong enough to carry two [Music] [Music] [Applause] people all right I got him hold me up Peter we can't do it you
're too heavy keep going you're almost [Music] there I found a rock I like Griffins I don't know how to thank you we never would have made it without your help oh you would have done the same for us there are more important things than a petty rivalry we're just happy that you're okay well thank you both you saved our lives and Peter I'll never forget what you did for us you're a good man all right you rest up get better we ate your son bring it [Music] up [Music] [Music] seems all you see is vi
olence movies andx but it good old fashion values we used to [Music] and [Music] cry we now return to 11 angry men and one developmentally disabled man okay the vote is 11 for guilty and one for Kitty all right let's keep talking it out has the jury reached its verdict we have your honor we find the defendant kitty boy am I beat Peter what's with a tie oh I bought a tie so I can ucin it when I'm beat oh my god dad Peter your breath it's horrible is whoopy Goldberg working out down there Peter I
think what everyone's saying is that you've got dad breath what the hell's dad breath you know Dad breath guys get older they stop paying attention to hygiene their bodies are changing it's just a fact that at a certain age Men start to rot from the inside out I don't smell it huh maybe that explains what happened with that new guy at work today all right so this is p Patriots National Distribution as you can see we are predominantly an East Coast beer hey is going to be a quiz on all this later
I'm just kidding someone said that to me once now I say [Music] it hey Lois what do you say we do what Anderson Cooper tried once before we de shed he hated it a Peter hiy let's do some role playing you're you and I'm Peter only with much worse knees ow my knees actually Peter I think I finally want to make love to a 1950s Spaceman really you mean it all right let's go [Music] good dad it smells like Rotting Flesh in here take the window lock off can't do that Meg I don't trust myself not to ju
mp out the window now this is [Music] musicy hardyy oh my God Maggie you okay do you need mouth to nose [Music] resuscitation politics coach is a bum bloody hell Beetle Bailey that's it all right Fatman two can play at that game a friendly fire all right that's it Peter we've got to do something about that awful breath I'm making an appointment and you are going to the dentist jeez you are not going to let this go are you you're as stubbing as a 4-Hour erection well she's long gone so uh you can
go too oh no you got me for another three and a half hours pal go ahead seek medical attention I'm not going anywhere you can't stay I'm sheering my daughter's Girl Scout dinner in 45 minutes well tuck me into your waistband and try not to pee up your [Music] shirt oh boy all right I think I found the culprit this shrimp was lodged under one of your gums wow that must have been in there a while it's been weeks since I ordered ordered from hurry up shrimp where the hell is this guy I ordered tha
t shrimp 2 hours ago uh-oh looks like you should have ordered from hurry up shrimp hurry up shrimp well that just sounds fast on average Americans spent upwards of 50,000 hours waiting for shrimp over the course of their lives when I heard that I thought to myself why on Earth don't these guys just hurry up so that's just what we did come on come on no way this is the shrimp wow it is hurry up shrimp hurry up shrimp hurry up hurry up hurry up shrimp not responsible for undercooked shrimp well I'
m very proud of you Peter and since you are so well behaved at a dentist you can order anything you want Dad when do I get to go to the dentist when you're older Chris good evening countrymen and women welcome to the Founding Father hey little guy you know that's a real treasure map you've got there okay okay well I guess treasure hunting isn't for everyone treasure you say ah yes you see Legend has it that Cog founder miles Chatterbox musket hid his fortune in fear of it being taken by British
soldiers during the Revolutionary War he died before he could retrieve it and left behind only this map many believe his treasure is still buried right here in Rhode Island okay I'm going to go do diarrhea and then I'll be right back to take your order oh I know where this is PETA please that's just a place mat to distract your children while you're eating there's no treasure well what if there is yeah she surprised you with that one you see you see that rock next to the X I know that rock Lois
it's right near route two I'm finding that treasure Peter the map is a joke you're being played for a fool like George McFly hey Lorraine what ever happened to that guy Marty from high school don't know never saw him after the prom really sure you didn't run into a mo say about 16 years ago George what are you talking about I'm talking about the fact that our son who you insisted we name after that guy Marty looks exactly like him you think I'm an idiot that I wouldn't notice that our son is a d
ead ringer for the guy who fixed us up Mom Dad I accidentally Set Fire to the living room rug I am not going easy on [Music] him hey guys who wants to dig for buried treasure with me what what are you talking about well this child's placeat is telling me to dig for Buried Treasure by the side of the highway who's in oh forget it Peter that's crazy talk yeah we're not going along with another one of your stupid ideas I don't have stupid ideas haven't you seen my documentary film each year the env
ironment covers more than 40% of the Earth every animal on earth lays eggs this is a birch tree today it will begin its 10,000 M Journey the Earth neither hates nor loves but sits waiting patiently for people to do famous [Music] stuff Peter it's time to come home you've been out here digging all day I told you this whole thing was ridiculous what the hell was I thinking anyway I must be some kind of idiot what was [Music] that holy crap Lois it's the treasure oh my God Peter you are right oh no
it's the one kid who also followed the treasure map [Music] I don't believe it there really was something buried out there well it's not the treasure but it looks like it's a clue to where the treasure is face the circle in the Square you'll see me I'll show you where interesting interesting interesting okay well if there is a treasure out there we don't want anybody else to know about it none of this leaves the this room okay obviously we're not idiots Brian hey look Dad's on TV hello I'm Tom
Tucker here with local Fortune Seeker Peter Griffin who appears to have found a clue to a hidden treasure that's right Tom and I sincerely hope that the caption beneath me doesn't say local fatty let's do something about that caption all right will you can check out the clue at our website the real Cog 5 news 6ro is.net we were a little late getting a website quick Neil sign into the neighbor's Wi-Fi so we can get that clue nurse write down that clue and then go out in the waiting room and maybe
start lowering expectations treasure yeah baby bring me a grape wine Peter what the hell now everyone has the clue why would you do that because I'm tired of people saying I don't know nothing everyone doubted me so I wanted to rub it in their faces that I was right you're a cool guy I want you to give me my bath tonight all right where is it give me that is this all there was yeah is there anything else we should know before we start looking whoa whoa whoa this is our thing we're not sharing t
his with anyone Peter come on are you serious if Joe or I found this we'd want you right alongside us yeah we're like peas in a pod wait wait don't go in there he's doing his podcast oh that's cute now that I like what do you think about this you old begag oh no look you guys doubted me mocked me constantly handled my egoo despite my clear instructions and now you want a piece of my treasure I don't think so well fine we don't need you anyway Peter I don't like this it seems like this treasure i
s already turning people against each other hang on you guys I think I might have figured something out the circle in the Square that could be the clock in the Town Square wow that you're right Brian that could be it well let's get down there before anyone else [Music] does son of a [ __ ] everyone's already here let's see face the circle in the Square Face the circle face okay the gesturing needs to stop no one else is doing that look when you face this way you're looking at the Statue of Miles
musket crap you guys there's already other people here they must have figured it out too you're right okay gather around kids family suicide look there's a plaque this Square shall forever honor the memory of my son Timmy musket always a chip off the old block may he rest in peace miles Chatterbox musket wait when I played Jane musket in the school played the last three weekends thanks for coming I couldn't I had a thing I a lot of dog stuff that day weekends like to spend with my kids I learne
d that Timmy musket is buried in a cemetery on Black Island I remember it because my big speech was Timmy Meg please that must be what ship off the old block means that's it Meg take the car home your mother and I are taking a ferry to Block Island Chris we need to find that treasure for ourselves what do you mean even if Dad finds the treasure he's not going to share he'll just blow through it all maybe you're right I mean last time we came into some money he just wasted it on all those diamond
pinky rings for everybody what yeah uh uh yeah we should probably go what the hell where are they going oh forget them they're dead weight if this treasure is going to be found it's up to you and me Brian what do you mean come on you think the fat man's going to figure out those Clues he's an idiot yeah I guess you're right yes I mean he's the guy who put all those little bald men in incubators because he thought they were babies look at you you came early but you're going to make it I'm a seni
or vice president at an investment firm oh someone's a fussy Brites [Music] [Music] one half a Mounds bar what who eats a Mounds bar I do my whole life I don't think I've ever seen a single person eat a Mounds bar well you're about to see one now so you walk into a store you see the hundreds of options for candy and you choose a Mounds bar yep so what is it you like the coconut the chocolate yeah both those things how long you been eating them I've probably been having a mountains bar two or thr
ee times a day for the last 25 years jeez no wonder you can't walk you have Total Renal shutdown your kidneys are drowning in a stew of chocolate and coconut give me that what are you doing why are your nibl poking into me sorry that happens when I'm cold but why are there three of them there aren't two of them are moles those numbers still don't add up Chris look you think we have time to ruin that family's quiet beach day we have no choice we're on a jet ski didn't you read the agreement we si
gned and don't forget if they have small children we have to hoop and curse or else we lose our deposit this is nice I used to come here when I was a kid and now I'm here with my son the sounds of the ocean really seem to soothe his autism yeah [ __ ] ocean woo why the hell are we taking a hot air balloon I don't think we're anywhere near Block Island oh I know we passed that miles ago what well then what about the treasure two friends sailing in the sky in a wicker basket with a strange man hol
ding a cheese plate this is the treasure Bri you want a Vicodin isn't it dangerous to do drugs 10,000 ft in the air yeah exactly what the hell never going to die your friend is like the coolest guy I've ever had up here a damn it Lois they're already here this is all your fault what how is this my fault because you just had to stop for ice cream then you get in there and you order like you never heard of food before Oh coffee fudge swirl with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups oh I wonder what's in that
you just listed off all the ingredients everything you just said is what's in that well I hate to say it but I guess we're supposed to dig this kid up any volunteers I did kid Ollie hold it right there if anyone's digging into this little kid's grave it's me you're too late we got here first no it's my treasure hunt I found the first clue you guys are just horning in you guys calm down see this is what I was talking about you can't desecrate a child's grave don't worry Lois we're going to do it
with reverence hey how about a little digging song little Peter Griffin digging up a casket shovel full of dirt and on the head I didn't care for the end of that song oh my God the treasure is in the casket come on mag let's get it my treasure oh my God you hit your own son that's it Peter I am not going to stand here and be a part of this madness you're on your own because I quit Chris mag we're going home well good you were just slowing me down anyway you Asian lady you're the new Lois I will
have one scoop of mint chocolate chip in a waffle cone you're a practical straightforward [Music] people what do you guys think is in here here sounds like books oh my God feels so weird to be looking at a dead kid and not have angry parents nearby hey look there's something written inside the lid you've crossed the miles you've paed through Clues find where he hits misses cheers and booze hey by the way for those who came on my boat I have those sandwiches hits misses cheers and booze could be
baseball and pod through Clues could it be pcket the Pucket Red Sox play at McCoy Stadium Quagmire let's get to that [Music] Stadium Lois took the bike hey wait a minute this is a great time for me to do my Suzuki Samurai promo are you a Hawaii scumbag do you chug energy drinks in Arizona Suzuki Samurai Ninja Name garbage [Music] C this dug out his M you hear me well you can take that bat and shove it up my ass mister you sons of [ __ ] this is my oh my God look at them Lois was right this trea
sure hunt has turned them all into animals there's more where that came from Mister he was right there was more [Music] oh look who's back the grave robber hey Lois so what happened you find your treasure no I realized something after you left it's not the treasure that matters all that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure I guess I had to learn that the hard way Peter you were a real jerk out there I know you were right I took this thing way too far and I'm really so
rry about how I treated you and the kids but you know me if I read anything on a place matter I just kind of go nuts can you forgive me Chris forgave me I can't wait for you to fall asleep tonight of course I forgive you Peter so I guess everyone else came to their censes too huh no they all ran off to McCoy Stadium what why what's at McCoy Stadium and it was a clue at the graveyard here I took a picture with my phone oh it's the next picture just swipe it to the next one she saw me you've cross
ed the miles you've pod through Clues find where he hits Mrs cheers and fo Peter this can't be leading them to a baseball stadium baseball wasn't invented until the 1800s wow you're really smart Lois you know Peter in the first 8 minutes of Meg's play before I walked out they said miles musket was a horrible drunk and a wife beater so when it says hits misses it might be talking about hitting misss musket and he probably misspelled misses because he was drunk when he wrote it or maybe he misspel
led it because cursive is hard and everyone should get off his back and and cheers and booze might be referring to a bar where he would cheers and drink his booze hits Mrs cheers and booze wait a minute it's got to be an old bar right the clam's the oldest bar in town that must be where the treasure is all right let's you put some makeup on and get right down to the [Music] clam oh no they're closed hang on I got an idea but you have to believe what you have to believe say you believe okay I bel
ieve this is worse than the time we were in the a clam right now yes Peter look that's mil's musket it is yes how have you never seen this painting before Lois I'm completely hammered every time I'm in [Music] here we did it we found the treasure you know what Peter why don't you open open it oh yeah yeah yeah yeah no okay I'll I'll I'll open it here hold [Music] this congratulations you have won the Founding Father Restaurant Treasure Hunt challenge please enjoy one free meal at select Founding
Father locations expires May 16th 2006 wait a second what year is it it's 2013 Peter so that's it's before the coupon no good oh man um this sucks worse than when I went to that strip club without Lish yay wow Peter I hope you're not disappointed we didn't find any treasure no it's fine you know the important thing is we figured out those Clues together I mean so what we won't be able to pay to fix them veins in your legs you are my treasure Lois and I want you on my team for everything except
for sports me too Peter I love you I love you too Lois no way that's the [Music] shrimp [Music] it seems today that all you see is violence movies andx but it good oldfashioned [Music] values and C pet what are you doing I'm watching this awesome show Brian see they took all these colors and they're making them all live together in a beach house now the red one is sleeping with the green one the blue one thinks he's going to have a career in music and the yellow one is just a total [ __ ] Peter
that's just a channel that's gone off the air and we'll be right back with more color bar beach house after these messages oh Peter for God's sake did you eat this entire roll of raw cookie dough oh was that what that was I thought it was a raisin sausage Peter you're going to get sick you can't just eat raw food out of the fridge yeah calm down down people make mistakes just look at the original design for the first hybrid car Eric we love the car we only want to change one thing is it the rapi
st sign yes it is the rapist sign I quit so as you can see our quarterly output is up 1 and a half% that's not net I'm talking gross you do everything gross we're predicting another 2% growth in the stupid boring meeting I don't even want to be here I'd rather be home doing itic garage door [Music] [Applause] [Music] reveals continue to be available for those what was that that doesn't feel right oh man I think that cookie doll was fighting that taco I found in the parking want I just hope I can
hold it in till the meeting's over and now 23 minutes of silence for the 23 workers who drown in the Vats this year oh God it hurts it hurts of course it hurts Griffin they were good men all of them I can't hold it in you don't have to Griffin let it out that's what we're here for this was supposed to be 23 minutes of silence and there's kind of a lot of conversation going on hey hey Peter you got to write something funny in Judy's birthday card okay okay but read what Hank wrote first oh that'
s great uh okay okay uh I once tried to find a ChapStick in your purse is that a real gun in there happy birthday okay here you go that's what Hank wrote hey Peter my kids selling Girl Scout cookies we're collecting for Jan's pregnany softball sign up trick-or treat for Unicef in for Ed's retirement cake holiday party company picnic secret carpool info oh finally now I can get myself [Applause] to H oh there you are Griffin you ever run out of a meeting like that again you're fired I'm sorry Ang
ela my son turned into a wolf during a basketball game and it required my attention Griffin I'm not falling for another one of your excuses I still haven't forgotten how you tried to get out of last week's fire drill all right everyone fire drill let's go outside now can I stay I'm already on fire no Griffin fine don't even have a [Music] jacket oh man now everyone's going to remember me for this I want it to be remembered for my achievement in [Applause] film there he is oh oh I see oh you're a
ll here because you heard the news well fine Peter Griffin crapped himself at work happy Peter no no Lois let's get it all out I'm sure you also heard that someone walked into my office while I was sucking on my own toes and do I go fast walking in nurse's shoes every Saturday in the Park yes I do Peter we're not here because of any of that okay I know what this is about somebody saw me holding hands with a guy at Quiznos this morning all right and was I involved in the Oklahoma City bombing a l
ittle bit no Peter you're not getting it okay we'll go deeper yeah I was swindled by that cat who said he was from the future turns out he was just a present day cat with a smooth sales pitch dad you don't understand oh I understand I understand I've made hundreds of deadly enemies by shouting racial taunts up at the jail house windows oh and another thing raise your hand if you think ducks are magic and up it goes Peter's the only one Peter that's not why they're here and no none of us just hea
rd about you soiling yourself at work oh well why is everybody here Peter your mother is dead she had a stroke this afternoon and she died you don't die from that Lois you just host New Year's Eve and talk funny Peter it's true I'm so sorry oh my God I don't believe it she's gone all right well I'm going to go confuse everyone on Facebook with a so sad terrible day status and nothing more [Music] your mother was a good woman Peter thanks Lois I just I just can't believe she's really gone and I c
an't can't believe this Funeral Home has a skylight with a Sinister clown staring down at us thank you for coming everyone we're here to celebrate the life of felma Griffin here to say a few words about felma is her son Peter my mother always hoped to be buried with her pet cat mittens so I'd like to thank the Cog Veterinary Society for putting mittens down so quickly yeah just just go ahead and toss it in there probably probably just stuff it in by the feet okay I will now take questions from t
he audience no none they don't have to be about my mom is anyone else here watching Revolution and wanting to talk about it after this no no no no no I'm not caught up I'm not caught up lot of white socks with dress shoes in this [ __ ] God I hate funerals yeah they're stupid thank God I'm not going to die what do you mean of course you are I'm not going to die Brian I'm like Jim balushi I am worried about my funny brother though food fight this is tragic but will also open a door for me Stewie
everyone is going to die at some point everyone so like even me yes even you you are going to die someday Stewie wow I guess you learn something new every day like the blackeyed peas hey what's that this is a guitar [Music] wow you know I didn't come around that much but I bet she had a nice life here yeah I mean it is a retirement home but it seems like a lovely place to live out your golden years my tube is out but it's not my fault don't punch me oh look at that window you get a nice light in
the morning Peter look your mom's old photo albums ah look at your little baby footprint yeah my mom took my footprint every single year when I was eight I was a dragon oh hello you must be cocoon we don't have any rocks to make you stronger here but welcome you must be Peter I'm Evelyn a friend of your mother's oh oh hi this is my family they're of no Comfort oh I know it's tough what you're going through you're where I was 17 years ago when I lost my husband Walter he died of pancreatic cance
r that sounds sad but I didn't know him man I miss my mom so much well I knew your mother better than anyone I could tell you stories well that sounds nice peter the two of you should hang out together I'd like that very much well it's 4:00 I'm off to bed wow Peter looks like you made a new friend yeah and maybe she can be my new mom you know just like Greg Evan and Paul Riser were briefly My Two Dads I keep forgetting your names can you just be jew dad and you'll be earring [Music] dad Stewie c
ould you please stop tossing and turning it's hard enough to sleep in here without my memory foam pillow uh don't tell me don't tell me me Brian yep yeah I can't go to sleep Brian I'm scared of what of death well you're not alone the world is full of people who can't accept death and they've all got their own ideas of what happens when we die really like what tell me are any of them blindly reassuring look it's late we'll talk about it first thing tomorrow jeez you know I got to say it's weird t
o see us so worked up about this I mean you're not afraid of anything even that monster in your closet ah he's on his way out of here ever since he violated the section of his lease that doesn't allow subletters what are you talking about I I don't have anyone else in here just tell him the truth Ethan thank you for doing this Brian no problem Stewie our first stop today is a Jewish synagogue wow every brick in this place is named after someone yeah they do that to honor their donors so that sid
e of the building was donated by someone named get out of our town no I I think that was the work of some shaved headed gentlemen but but we're here to talk about Judaism so where do they think they go when they die well you should try asking the rabbi although I should warn you you might not get an answer so where do Jewish people think they go when they die where do you think we go well I don't know that's why I'm asking you why do you think you're asking all these questions I just I just real
ly want to know what happens do you think that's part of God's infinite plan I think your whole religion is a sham just so you can get extra holidays off from work oh got to go it's BW I say this is quite impressive Buddhism is an Asian religion that also has a significant following of annoying white people okay see these guys believe that after you die you're reincarnated and you come back as a pig or a cow or a rooster okay okay that's good I already know what noises to make if I'm one of thos
e but they also don't believe in demonstrating emotions either way so they're the worst people to buy birthday gifts for I know you've been having trouble getting around so I bought you a new Lexus and I got you this tie clip thank you both these are equal to me [ __ ] you you don't even own a [Music] tie now the Catholics believe that as long as you accept Jesus before you die anyone can get into heaven really [Music] anyone I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior yes Peter thank you so much for y
our help in making this cake but don't you think it would be easier if you stood on the floor yeah but when I bake with my mom I always stood on a chair another memory is my Uncle Roy putting his thumb in me a the best memories are family memories oh hey Evelyn I got a riddle for you what newspaper do cows read the New York Times that's very clever Peter did you make that up N I got it off a yogurt still very impressive God you know Evelyn you've really helped me through a tough time I haven't b
een this grateful since I met the San Hatter excuse me how do I get back through the looking class oh yeah take two lefts and it's the first door on your right cool great thanks for not giving me the run around I I asked that guy over there but he just told me a bunch of rhyming nonsense oh yeah he's like a well-known dick hey what are you still doing awake changing the oil in my car what the hell do you think I'm doing sorry I stole that from the Italian family next door they've been going at i
t all night Dad can I have $5 for lunch tomorrow yeah sure just let me go check my room full of golden Jewels you see every first thing he says is not the real thing anyway Brian I'm trying to figure out death it's not that complicated Stewie well which of these religions has the right answer what about you Brian what do you believe happens when you die nothing lights out that's it that's not comforting at all well I just think it's pretty clear that we're all just bags of Bones and flesh that e
ventually break down and Decay into worm food we come from nothing and we're going to become nothing the end night Stewie lights out did you hear him Rupert life is just a big joke it's just sitting around waiting to die well I can't live like that I'd rather just end it I'm going to take my own life but first i'm going to play ball in the house house parents are right we now return to St the special terrestrial hi hey guys this is Evelyn she's the one with that bathroom carpet I've been peeing
on I told you about hey nice to meet you you know instead of drawing on your eyebrows maybe just go without eyebrows and I'm Joe Swanson I've been dying to introduce you guys to Evelyn we just been having the best time together Evelyn tell him how many sodas I combined at the movie theater two it was more than that she fell asleep she let me drive a little bit on the way home just in the parking lot but you were a good little Navigator yeah I just remembered I got to get the hell out of here wel
l God said I could walk just one time I was saving it for Susie's wedding day but your friends seem lovely all right you know Evelyn I'm having such a good time with you you're like my above ground Mom oh Peter you know sometimes I think your mother brought us together yeah that's how I feel [Music] good come on are you molesting me or watching TV I can't believe that old woman kissed you oh it was horrible Lois there was still crumbs in the corners of her mouth from that Nila wafer she had at l
unch are you sure that wasn't some kind of misunderstanding no no those were definitely Nila Wafers and it really bums me out you know cuz I thought she was something special she was like a mom to me well then you should go talk to her and try to clear this up it sounds weird but maybe it was innocent I mean this wouldn't be the first time you thought someone was hitting on you would you like to add chips and a drink here we go go [Music] again all right R here we [Music] go well I'm not dead bu
t I do have a boner so that is something new about stew okay death by cop hey Coppa come get me oh no an armed as salant I definitely don't want to die today I have so much to live for oh come on shoot me but one day I don't wear my bulletproof vest what are you waiting for I'm wide open that a hate how the heart is right about here just kiss your fruit cakes all right rert the old toaster in the tub never fails oh damn I wanted to die not turn into toaster man I don't know about this toaster ma
n while he's getting all the glory John Q taxpayer is left to clean up the crumbs my breakfast bread just got perfectly browned I just wish I could thank him oh I think he knows Pop I think he [Music] knows Evelyn we need to talk oh Peter I owe you an apology I'm afraid my new medicine made me act foolishly yesterday you must forgive me oh so it it was it was just your medicine huh well I guess I can understand that you know I'm addicted to nasal spray I smell everything I'm Invincible I'm proba
bly going to be a little down until I use the spray again that's okay Peter now come along I've got quite the day planned for [Music] us the she's going to get you just a devil woman with evil on her mind bew the Devil Woman She's going to get you from [Music] behind Evelyn I think it's best that we don't see each other anymore but Peter no Evelyn I trusted you and all this funny business keeps happening and I don't think it's your medicine at all so I'm afraid this is goodbye but Peter I though
t we were friends yeah right you trick me you're as bad as those Predators on the internet that's wild Stacy I'm a 12-year-old girl too my name's Jenny want to come over to my place and help me move hey you're not a 12-year-old girl neither are you Jenny huh I guess we aren't so different after all yeah you know this isn't a whole lot of stuff we can probably knock this out in an hour what the hell Stewie what the hell are you doing he's doing his taxes what's it look like he's doing veto get aw
ay from the neighbor's house I'm killing myself Brian you said it yourself when we die there's nothing we just rot in the ground well if life has no purpose why not just cut to the Chase look Stewie I know you're worried but you can't live your life being scared of death nobody knows what comes next so all we can do is pack the most we can into each day we've got so for you that's taking a 45 minute shaky leg poop on the front on I'm just saying there's something to be said for living in the mom
ent so what you're saying is I've got to find my shaky leg poop exactly well I I have always wanted to be a singer songwriter um yeah no yeah you could do that you you paused why why did you pause uh no reason you did it again I swear to God I will throw myself right out that window okay Welcome to The Apple Tree Pub I'm Stewie Griffin and these are my six assistants you know I changed my mind kill yourself [Music] hey Mom I got to talk to you about something you know ever since you turned into
a rock with your name on it your friend's been really inappropriate with me hello Peter oh hi what are you doing here Peter I want to apologize I did behave inappropriately it's just that since my beloved Walter died you're the first man who's paid any attention to me and I guess I took advantage of that huh well you know when when you put it that way I I guess maybe it's a little bit my fault too I missed my mom so much and I guess maybe I sort of used you as a replacement I'm glad we became fr
iends [Music] Evelyn Evelyn Evelyn it looks like somebody's mom died or something I don't know you you just you'll take care of this [Music] right [Music] [Music] allence but old [Music] vales laugh and cry [Music] we now return to Jeremy Piven as the Incredible Hulk you wouldn't like me when I'm angry I don't like you now Brian I need the TV why is rubert wearing a top hat because Brian tonight we Su on the finest Feast of the television season it is the season finale of the cad wallers of Esse
x the what the cad wallers of Essex it's groundbreaking it's a British show about a wealthy family dealing with slight ch change Oh I thought that got canceled no that was the kadan of Aubrey Muse is that the one where even the children have mutton shops no that's the Whitakers of edoton Crescent all these shows sound the same who's in this one Penelope Westworth Harrington who's that Penelope Westworth Harrington oh come on from the Royers of pbridge on TS her uncle was Steward to the Queen's p
rivy she got plowed on a pile of hay in Game of Thrones oh yeah yeah she's hot you're an idiot like a guy who cheats on his right hand with his left hand I want to stay but I just got called back into the office what do you want from me I'm sorry all right just get off my back I'm out of here God it took me forever to get away oh my God no what have you done wait stop no please I'm begging [Music] you oh it's starting I'm I'm going to live tweet the show and ruin it for everyone in other time zo
nes I would like to learn to bathe myself everything I've ever heard is vexing oh oh this is the fastest moving episode I've ever seen oh wouldn't it be marvelous to be a part of a family like that ah I found that chick in the hay Anga Anga Ang bua what is that what's happening Peter what are you doing playing Ang Bunga it's the championship go away this is why Zillow estimates our house at $4 the hell is unab Bunga two guys run at each other with mattresses and um that's kind of it stop explain
ing it to the D let's do this yeah stop it I'm trying to watch my program well Chris look mom's naked where you creep no peut what's going on Ang buer you you imbeciles you ruined my night I asked for one thing in this house Stewie just watch your show upstairs I didn't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV I want to watch my [Music] show oh now ste's having a chance from come here sweetie ow screw you you little turd what's over noise a do you wan
t a hug from your big sister you've earned yourself a timeout young man are you stay in here until you can behave I hate you you always ruin everything God it's a family of idiots I wish I wish I was never born not tonight rubbert I'm much too upset knock knock still we hey I just wanted to check on how you're doing buddy you put on quite a show last night I am done with this family they don't deserve me they're all just oh you dick you just came in to charge your phone sorry Peter's using all t
he outlets toast house whatever I'm going to be out of this place soon anyway what are you running away from home [Music] better what the hell you rebuilt your time machine I thought you swore off time travel cuz you couldn't stop yourself from altering the past look Brian I need this machine to alter the past for the better what do you mean I loathe this family being born into it was clearly some sort of cosmic mistake so I'm going back in time to prevent that mistake I'm going to break up Lois
and the fat man before they can conceive me Stewie it's one TV show you're overreacting it's not just the TV show Brian I'm tired of living with morons remember when I tried to open that lemonade stand with Chris all right that'll be 10 cents Chris P the man his lemonade I can't the lemonade tricked me and got away lemons are God's children friend and the fat man won't even let me celebrate a proper birthday happy birthday Stewie and here's your equal attention CER yay oh come on yay double wis
hes one CH and Meg's the biggest pig of all great the string broke again hey there tiny hands look Stewie I know you're angry about last night but you're talking about erasing Your Existence that's crazy whose ringtone is Barracuda oh God that's frumpy Anne frumpy Anne does everything look I I got to get this call but don't do anything stupid yo girl how you living all right Rupert prepare to time travel oh and by the way thanks for asking me if I wanted something from Subway too [Music] where a
m I this looks like my room but something's off oh that's right this isn't my room yet wonder what they're using it for oh my God he had a public access show live from the shores of Rhode Island it's the fatty who drives you batty Peter Griffin hey hey douchebags we got a great show for you tonight Caren Washington from the Rhode Island Zoo and some rejected toys you're not going to believe so stick around or I'll come to your house and murder I wonder what else is [Music] different she's camel
toeing the hell out of that leotard [Music] all right fet time to break up Lois and the fat man before they can conceive Me by pressing butts together well you don't know either hey Lois I draw you a picture it's me and you on the space Moon cuz I would love you anywhere oh Peter I'd love you anywhere too wow Peter and Lois were really in love before I was born and this is me getting you from behind cuz in space no one can hear you scream Peta breaking them up may prove to be more difficult than
I thought though I faced bigger challenges before like when I had to ride that bike in the Muppet movie that's right Stewie long legs just blew your mind all right Rupert now to break up my parents the number one thing couples fight about is money so I've maxed out Lois's credit card on vibrating marads Peter there's an open box in the kitchen addressed to me with nothing inside uh yeah when I opened it up it was empty well that's very strange because it looked large enough to hold many items i
t's the mailman I'll get it no me I'll get it maybe I had more in common with this family than I thought oh my God Peter what happened to your hair I don't know I I'm Bal you did this what the hell's the matter with you I didn't do it but but you look really cool I do yeah you look like you could be a celebrity hey can I get your autograph oh of course here you go they think I'm Bruce Willis that was the monster from Goonies none of my attempts to break them up has worked thus far so I had to up
our game Lois what the hell did you do I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn what yeah I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do and I've got a bone to pick with you I don't appreciate how you spray painted vile woman on the bedroom wall that wasn't me must have been one of the kids that's ridiculous Peter Chris can't write and we don't allow me upstairs well you know something I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right well maybe I don't
want to live with someone who doesn't respect me well then maybe I should just leave and where are you going to go you got nothing else and nobody else and now for the [Music] closer I might go west my god I've done it Rupert they've broken up look it's working I'm fading away well Rupert this means you and I will never have met so I've got to tell you one thing you know that song I wrote to you for Valentine's Day it's an Eric Carman song I completely ripped it off ah oh now I feel [Music] bett
er what the devil what's going on where am I it's a boy I'm in a hospital my soul must have found another carrier I've been reborn welcome to the world baby chap I'm British all right oh I wonder if I'll have one of the pugnose British dogs that licks its own snot all day that's gross piss off you little wanker I'm not going to be the dog to some poof [Music] baby well lad welcome to your [Music] home well this is more like it This Is Your Valet your Gardener your cook your gamekeeper your butle
r your housekeeper your parlor made your housemade your scaly made your shy graler and one superflous employee who I am not in a gay relationship with sir we have a meeting in the broomed quite right I will now hand you over to your mother this will be our last physical contact until I give you a firm handshake on your 18th birthday my God this is everything I've ever wanted and let's be honest if I had stayed with the Griffin I would have ended up like Rick Springfield today I wish it I had Jes
s's job sir it's 6:00 p.m. and you're still in your 5:45 tuxedo Nigel yesterday I saw you smile is that something I need to bring up with my father I was just imagining my own death sir you're a good man Nigel may I pull on your nose hair of course sir [Music] my Heavens my father is the commander of the most excellent order of the British Empire dean of physics at Oxford and he was pre-approved for a Capital One no hassle card oh okay so he's just framing everything Stuart these are your brothe
rs Jaden and Aiden Jaden was first form in his sixth levels and he's Chief scrum flanker on his varsity booing team which as far as we know makes us terribly proud finally siblings who are doing stuff I'm really happy to meet you guys you were an accident you're only here because father is a heavy sleeper with a frequent morning stem okay Aiden's the ball breaker huh Jaden father is it going to live here for a while oh Aiden is the nice one well if it's verbal jousting skills you're looking for
I'm not afraid to take a little walk on the Oscar Wild Side you are a poopy head and you shut up Stuart I think your mouth is better at taking things in than spewing them out oh these guys are a little sharper than my old family I still remember our duck duck goose disaster Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack yck Jack yck Jack Jack deck what is that other word it's a long long way to TI but my heart right there well done boys steuart perhaps you wouldd like to regail us with song u
h okay I would have liked a heads up so I could prepare something but um I'm sure I can whip something up Wayne's World Way's world it's party time it's excellent what what's wrong Stuart I think your time might be better spent in the Attic with your syphilitic one-eared cousin Earl hey what's that I can't hear you I I was just saying hello there you are now you've got it that's how we [Music] play there we are sorry I couldn't squeeze no more juice out of me nibbers well that's all right I can'
t be mad at someone who lost seven sons in the war all right my little lord it's time for bed why isn't mommy tucking me in oh hush love you're born now that's the end of all this mommy [Music] nonsense what the hell I don't even get a stuffed animal to hug the only thing in this crib is a 19th century dueling pistol it's loaded who dares to shoot the bow tie off my cat we do let Dawn I'm just a baby so am I good Lord what have I done I don't like it here at all I miss my family my dumb family d
ear God I wanted to be free of the family of morons I was born into but now I'm the [ __ ] sir I heard whimpering shall I fet your crying tuxedo no I don't want any more Tuxedos and I don't want a cold mother or an Oxford physics Professor father wait a minute that's it the o for physics lab will have everything I need to build a time machine then I can go back to my old life ah ah Stone floor too cold I'll go in the [Music] morning let's see I need plutonium for the time machine but how do I ge
t past those guards oh wait that's right I'm in England I can just walk past them holding a cup of tea morning morning morning morning morning morning morning morning did you see something suspicious about that baby well I did it first but then he's got the tea vouching for him doesn't [Music] [Music] he almost there just a few more adjustments St it what are you doing all right Robert I left the fat man's entire porn collection on the curb for Goodwill to pick [Music] up who the devil are you I
'm British Stewie I don't hear anything different I sound the same but I spell some words very differently let me write the word color on a piece of paper for you dear God you are British listen to me you successfully prevented your own birth and instead you were born into an alternate family but you must believe me the Griffins are your true destiny no they're not they're morons but they're your morons and they care about you besides you shine among these dullards like Bob Weir and the Grateful
Dead that jokes for one of our crew guys Maddie he loves the dead and he's uh he's not doing so well we love you Captain trips hang in bro well I do like being better than everyone else Peter I had nothing to do with donating your stupid porn if what you're telling is true we can't let them separate if Peter leaves I'll be unborn well she's not going to stop him she's Furious you're right and if I know her she'll be heading to the fridge for her angry afternoon charday I've got an idea okay the
re it is [Music] noon oh no he's leaving I'm I'm fading away Peter wait what you want to yell at me some more no I want to tell you I'm sorry I don't want you to leave why should I stay if you don't even trust me I do trust you Peter I don't know what's gotten into US lately the important thing is we're meant to be together I love you Peter I love you too Lois I'm glad we're staying together honestly I I don't know what I would do on my own like I literally have no idea where food comes from is
it that guy is he the food man no Peter it's not him they're making up it's working that means soon you will not exist then I guess this is goodbye Stewie I'll miss you you've taught me so much and you've been a good friend and you as well damn it l be Stewie lift it off that looks really heavy it is and it's incredibly painful please help you know you'll be fading away any moment you know it'll be a lot of effort ultimately for nothing I'm choking on my own blood call someone please well again
it was great knowing you yeah you bastard you'll burn in hell finally that was an odd [Music] deal I did it I'm back oh damn it I left my ChapStick in the past chapstick with smooth lips I will finally be able to be a mayor who kisses babies with confidence hey cracked lips you'll see you'll all [Music] see oh scrambled eggs how delightful thank you leis well you're certainly in a better mood since last night's tantrum you know Brian I've realized this is where I belong for better or worse I'm a
griffin coward I have found you well it took three years but I am finally through all that [Music] porn [Music] s [Music] goe [Music] take [Music] [Music] SI for speech [Music] okay for for
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