Family Guy | Best of Brian Griffin

Well, you just need to find something to fill the void that's left in your life. Y'know, Lois has her knitting, Chris has his video games, Meg's learning how to drive, and me? I like the sauce. Hey barkeep! Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? Ooh, you've got some pie, huh? Can I have a piece? Uhhh, sure. Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip. What did you say? You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip. "Cool Hwhip"? Cool Hwhip, yeah. You mean "Cool Whip"? Yeah, Co

ol Hwhip. Cool Whip. Cool Hwhip. Cool Whip. Cool Hwhip. You're saying it weird, why are you putting so much emphasis on the H? What are you talking about? I'm just saying it. Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie, pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip. Say "whip". Whip. Now say "Cool Whip". Cool Hwhip. Cool Whip. Cool Hwhip. Cool Whip! Cool Hwhip. You're eating hair! Is that a new coffee machine? Oh yeah, I took the liberty of replacing your old one with a new American-made coffee machine. In fac

t, I got you a bunch of new top-notch American-made stuff. What else did you buy? Oh, couple things. That light fixture. New heat regulator on your stove. Your man-bra. Your garbage disposal. Your dishwasher. And your new cat. Moo! I really like Potsie. Why not, dear? Potsie's a very nice boy. No Mom. I mean, I really like Potsie. We heard you the first time, son, you have a homosexual attraction to Potsie. You have anything on that remote lower than mute? Sorry to be tardy to the party. Wow, Br

ian, have you lost weight? You've gotta tell me your secret. Here's a hint: put down the fork! Face! They think you're some kind of healer. I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once. Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing? Oh yeah. I only ask this because of the dire situation I'm in, but... Can I... Can I hump your leg for fifteen uninterrupted seconds? I suppose so, Brian. I said you could do it for fifteen seconds. Didn't need it. Jillian and I have

a great time together, we make each other laugh. Fine. But just tell me this, Brian. Does she laugh on her own, or does she laugh only when you laugh? I thought so. Hey. Yeah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, you've gotta hit "DVD", and then "Menu", and then "Select". Yeah. Yeah, the DVD needs to be face up when you put it in. Uh-huh. You should be able to see the words 'Mr. 3000'. Yeah. Still nothing? Is it plugged in? Okay, so plug it in. Okay. You got it? Is it... okay, alright. No problem. Alright. I..

. love you too, Jilly-bean. Okay. What?! Nothing, I didn't say anything. Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already. Name twenty. 'Rosanna', 'Roxanne', 'Michelle', 'Alison', 'Sara', 'Angie', 'Brandy', 'Mandy', 'Gloria', 'Cecilia', 'Maggie May', 'Jessica', 'Nancy', 'Barbara Ann', 'Billie Jean', 'Layla', 'Lola', 'Polly', 'Helena', 'Jenny From The Block'. Name six more. 'Sherry', 'Laura', 'Wendy', 'Maria', 'Peggy Sue', 'Minnie the Moocher'. Name five more. 'Tracy', 'J

ean', 'Jane', 'Mary Ann', 'Eleanor Rigby.'. Go fuck yourself. Oh my God, Brian. There's a message in my Alpha-Bits. It says, "oooooo". Peter, those are Cheerios. Well I've got a woman story for you that you're not gonna believe. Quagmire's father, decorated war hero, Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire, is now a woman! You're kidding! No, total sex change! That is hysterical! I know, huh! Oh man, what do we call him now? Do we still call him Dan? No, and I'm not crazy about the name change. What

is it, like Danielle or Dana? No, Ida. Ahhhhhhhhhh! What?! What the hell? What's wrong with you?! I had sex with her! What?! I had sex with her at the Marriott! Ahhhh! Why?! I didn't know! I didn't know it was her! Oh my God! Ahhhhh!