- Please welcome to the stage Jake Rush. - Thank you guys so much for coming. It's good to see everybody. I'll catch you guys up on
what I've been up to recently. A lot of exciting, a lot of
exciting stuff going on for me. Just last week, I
actually delivered a pizza to the university I graduated from. To people that knew me, which is a very life-affirming event. I was a theater major in college. All right, yes. You guys know what I'm talking about. I feel like driving for Uber
Eats is our grad
program. I remember when I graduated
from theater college, the commencement speaker said to everyone, "Hey, everybody give it
up if you're an actor." And I didn't realize it at the time, but that was actually the best
advice I ever got in college. Thank you. So, I'll tell you guys
a little bit about me. I'm kind of an unconventional guy. I've always been a bit
of an awkward person. Actually, when I was in preschool, they thought I was autistic. And by the time I was in high
school, they knew for
sure. That's a true story. I was diagnosed as being high functioning on the autism spectrum when I was 11. A lot of times people don't
believe me when I say that because I don't look like Bill Gates. Because they don't think
someone on the spectrum can look like a young dad in a porn but at least one of them does. Yeah, social interactions
often will go wrong for me because I'm not very good at reading people's
non-verbal social signals and other people aren't very good at saying what they mean
, and it's a bad mix. I don't do very well in one-on-one interactions,
like dates and stuff. She'll be like, "I'm sorry, I don't wanna bore you with my problems." And I'll be like, "Thank you so much. I am so glad we're on the same page." And eye contact is another thing that can be a little bit
tricky for me at times. But the hard part is
not making eye contact. The hard part is making
exactly the right amount of eye contact or else people
think you're very strange. Too little eye contact
says
to the other person, "I don't care about you
as a person at all." And too much eye contact says, "I've poisoned you and I'm
waiting for it to take effect." I feel like being on the spectrum and needing to learn social cues, you feel like an alien visiting
Earth for the first time. Like, oh, no, don't look
down when they're talking. Oh no, don't go to the beach and sit facing away from the ocean. That one's tricky. Fun fact about autism. Autism is not considered a heritable trait by the American
Psychiatric Association. And so essentially what that means is that legally I'm still
allowed to sell my sperm, which is a big help. That's been very helpful
for me as a poor man. I am a very poor man and I did apply to sell my
sperm, and I got approved, despite the whole mental health situation which shows you how much women care about guys being tall. It's way too much. It's actually very, very
difficult to get approved to sell your sperm, believe it or not. Becoming a sperm donor is
really th
e ultimate sign you're an underachiever
because to get approved you have to have a bunch
of traits associated with people that are successful, like height and a college
degree and stuff like that, even though it's exclusively
the least successful people that are trying to sell their sperm. So essentially what they're scouting for is just who has the most wasted potential. They're just like, out of all
the people that did nothing with their lives, who left
the most on the table? That's our man. M
y sperm's actually
been selling quite well. Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's flying off the shelves. Let me tell you guys, which is flattering, but it also shows me in a way how poorly I must be
performing on my Hinge dates. I think I'm hard to be on a date with because if a woman wants to buy my sperm it costs $1,500 and
somehow it's still harder for me to give it away for free. That's how much I'm doing wrong that they want my raw
genetic material more than the finished product. That m
eans that who I am is the least attractive thing about me. But women will pay good money
for who I could have been. Some women, when they see
guys with wasted potential, they're like, "I can fix him." In my case, they're like, "I'd
have to start from scratch." Before I was selling my baby
batter, I was a babysitter. Yes, I was a male babysitter. I happened to be very good at it. But there comes a point, as a
man, where you have to choose between your babysitting
career and your mustache. And I c
hose the mustache. Nobody wants to leave their kids with a man that has a mustache. If Mary Poppins had been
a man with a mustache, that movie would've been a
completely different genre. In the pitch for that movie the studio heads would've
gone, "I love it. And are the children ever found?" That movie would've gotten
made as a suspense thriller. Like, M. Night Shyamalan
presents "Gary Poppins." Mary Poppins is a touching story. Gary Poppins is a touching story. Thank you. For a brief amount of
time I was making money doing standup on college campuses. That was my gig. I was a college comedian. I got in a little bit of trouble one time because I made a comment that
was misconstrued to be sort of like an anti-political
correctness sentiment. It was right around Christmas
time and there were flyers that I saw on the campus that were saying we need to cancel the Christmas carol "Baby It's Cold Outside,"
because they said that the woman in that song is in danger. And I definitely didn't di
sagree with them because I don't know if you guys have heard that
song recently, she might be. But I just pointed out that they were being a little bit inconsistent
because how can you cancel that Christmas carol because
the woman is in danger but then completely turn a blind eye to "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"? That one is significantly worse. It's about a woman who gets
drunk and leaves her house at night where someone finds
her the next morning, dead, with hoof prints on her forehead
and claw marks on her back. Newsflash, reindeer don't have claws. Something dark happened to grandma. Something with hooves ran
her over from the front, and then someone or
something took the time to flip her over and she ends up with claw marks on her back. Grandma didn't get run over by a reindeer. Grandma got sacrificed by a cult. To be honest with you
guys, I'm kind of surprised that way more old time
songs haven't been canceled. Like, by modern standards, humanity was awful until so recentl
y. I was just listening to that
song by The Beatles called "I Saw Her Standing There." In the first line of that
song, Paul McCartney goes, "Well, she was just 17,
if you know what I mean." What do you mean? It's bad enough he said the girl was 17. Now it feels like he's roping me into it. Also, what do you mean,
"If you know what I mean?" Like what else could that even mean? Is 17 code for 16? And what did this teenage girl do to elicit this older man's attention? She was just standing there. Y
eah, but The Beatles don't get canceled, I guess, because they get a pass because they're from a different
time or whatever, which, I don't know, it's really
kind of a crap shoot which famous people get a pass for being from a different time
and which ones don't. Right? And it has nothing to do with
how long ago they're from because Paul McCartney
hasn't gotten canceled but Christopher Columbus did. When I was a kid,
Christopher Columbus was just the guy that discovered America. Now, if he showe
d his face in public, he'd get his ass kicked. Like, could you imagine explaining to Christopher Columbus,
"Hey, 500 years from now everyone's still gonna love you. But 505 years from now they're gonna hate your guts." He would be so confused. I mean, not that he didn't
deserve it, I'm just, it just shows you this
is a very unique time in history that we're living in. That's the one thing
that everyone agrees on, that these are unprecedented times. No one is arguing on Twitter that these are pre
cedented times. We all agree that we are special compared to the other time periods, which I think is a pretty new phenomenon. Like, you know how
sometimes people like to say what year it is when they're
talking about something that's wrong with the world? Like they'll say something like, "Really, we're still body shaming people? It's 2022." "Really, we're still using that word? It's 2022." I wanna know when that started. Like, were people in the past going, "Really, we're still burning witches?
It's 1451." "Really, we're still crucifying people? It's 30." I don't think they were. I think that's just something that we do. I think we're the first
ones to be surprised that the world isn't fixed yet. We're like middle-aged white
ladies in the suburbs going, "Really, in this neighborhood?" You don't get to feel superior about where you're from anymore. So people just feel superior
about when they're from. But at the same time, I don't know, it's like everyone also acts like the world is so
much worse now too. It's kind of, like, I dunno. It doesn't really make sense to me. Like there's like a lot of talk about the apocalypse
happening soon because of, I don't know, climate
change or World War III, or, you know, probably a lot of other things. I'm just like, well, first of all, like the apocalypse has
happened so many times. Like the Black Plague wiped out 25% of the Earth's population at the time. A hundred million people died. And I'm guessing the
first time you found out about
the Black Plague in like
a history class or whatever, it wasn't even the
biggest part of your day. On a long enough timeline,
nothing matters at all. So I don't know why we're upset. Also, an apocalypse means
never having to find out that you're not enough. That's the best part. In a post-apocalyptic society,
I would just tell people, yeah, I would've been a famous comedian if the world hadn't ended. Yeah, I mean, I gotta
be honest with you guys, on the list of things I'm worried about, society
collapsing is
really not that high. Oh, you guys love society. I didn't realize I was
talking to a society crowd. Dude, society sucks. It sucks, dude. Most people I know are unhappy. Have you guys noticed that? Just, there's no way we
have it that much better than hunter-gatherer people did. Like, we don't have to
worry about bears as much but now we have depression, which I feel like is a lateral move. Yeah, modern society makes
people depressed because, according to the books I like
to read wh
en I'm on mushrooms, it takes 10,000 years,
because evolution is so slow, it takes 10,000 years
for human DNA to adapt to a new environment, which is longer than
civilization has existed. So we're part of the reason
why people are depressed now is because of all the modern
stuff we interact with every day that we haven't adapted to yet. Like, for example, I don't
think humans are supposed to know exactly what
their own faces look like. Because mirrors were, I looked this up, mirrors were invente
d
approximately 3000 years ago. So you used to have to
just trust other people to tell you if you were
good looking or not. Someone would be like, "You're hot." And you'd be like,
"That's excellent news." Or they'd just call you ugly and you'd go, "That hurts, but thanks
for letting me know." And now I think we're like
short circuiting ourselves with all the, you know, mirrors
and selfies and whatnot. It's like our hunter gatherer
brains don't know how to process what they're looking at. They're
like, "Wait, how am I
the one that's looking at me? Both of my eyes are
supposed to be facing out. The only explanation is that something has gone horribly wrong." Guys, in the first half of my set I tell you I have autism. In the second half, I show you. Thank you. All right. These are the only things
I know how to talk about. So dating in LA is weird, right? No, please, someone shoot me in the head. I wouldn't know. But I could talk about... Another reason, one of the big reasons why modern s
ociety makes
people depressed is because prehistoric humans lived in like tight-knit communities
of 30 to 40 people. And that was all they would
know for their entire lives. And now we're depressed because society being
so big makes us lonely. But also I think because it makes it impossible
to be the best at anything. Like, because now because
the whole world is connected, like if you're super
talented at something, you get moved up like a never
ending pyramid of all stars of all stars of all st
ars,
until eventually you get to the US Olympic
basketball team or the NASA like top scientist luncheon or whatever they have. And you're surrounded by
people that are better than you at your best thing. And I don't think people used
to ever have to face that because in a population of 30 to 40 it'd be so easy to feel like a big shot. Like everyone would be
the best at something. The tall guy in the village would be like "I don't have to put
up with people's shit. I'm 5' 11". And those extremely
rare
humans that actually are one in seven billion at something,
they're not like us. You know, they're freaks of nature. I was just reading this article about the smartest person in the world. The highest IQ that's
ever been recorded is by a Korean astrophysicist
named Kim Ung-Yong, who is so smart he got famous as a baby, because he said his first words
when he was four months old. And by the time he was six months old he could hold a full conversation. It's a true story. My first thought is,
even if they knew words, what would a six month
old have to talk about? Like, "So, throwing
stuff's pretty fun," right? "Have you met this lady, mom? She's made of food." "What's the deal with the dog? Why does he look so much
different than everyone else?" Also, that would be terrifying. A real, live, talking baby, if you didn't know ahead of time. Could you imagine the first
time his mom was like, "Who does mommy love?" "Whom." Ah! I can't relate to what
it's like to be a mom but I feel like
breastfeeding a talking person would be
horrifying, would be freaky. "No, the right one." And if you keep reading about
this guy's life, which I did, by the time he was 18 months old he started writing and performing poetry, which I'm sure was pretty
incredible for people at the time. But in retrospect, I'm like,
what a pretentious little baby. He was already too good for prose? Also, could you imagine being
the guy at the poetry open mic that has to follow the
guy that's 18 months old? No matte
r how good you are the audience will go home saying, "Yeah, I guess that second guy was good, but I didn't wanna blow on his belly." The part that bugs me is I bet he thought he was really good at poetry because the audience is gonna
give you so much slack just for being a baby in the performing arts. I feel like if he had done
another performing art other than poetry, he
would've embarrassed himself. Like, could you imagine if
he had done something else? Like if he had been a magician? Like, "I
will now make myself disappear." Thank you. Guys, I think you may have
just witnessed the record for longest comedy bit about a single baby that doesn't belong to
the comedian on stage. But yeah, his name is Kim Ung-Yong, and then he grew up and
scored the highest IQ ever. So yeah, that's why it's
impossible to be the best at anything because the true
outliers in a population this big are basically superhuman. Like I'm trying to be an actor, right? I say trying to be, because so
far it's only c
ost me money. But my favorite actor is,
and the actor who's won more best actor Oscars than anyone
else is Daniel Day-Lewis. Yeah, he was in a movie
one time called "The Boxer" where he trained for a year before the movie started filming. And by the end of it, his
trainer claimed that Daniel had gotten so good at boxing
that he could have been a professional boxer if he wanted to. He's not even athletic, he's
just that good at acting. He's good enough at acting
that he can act good enough at box
ing to beat a professional boxer. Could you imagine how embarrassing
that would be for them? Like, "So Jansky, you
really looked outmatched in the ring tonight with Daniel Day-Lewis. What do you think happened?" "Oh man, I gave it my all in there. He was just so believable. Every time he hit me, I thought, that's just how a boxer would do it." That would be so emasculating. Not only does this man do his
own job better than I do mine, he does my job better
while he's doing his. They'd have to lis
ten to Daniel
in interviews going like, "I don't just throw punches. I ask why. Am I trying to say I hate you? Or am I trying to say,
I hate that I need you." But here's the frustrating part for me. I don't even think you
can even necessarily say that being the best in the world at something is even worth it. 'Cause to be that good at anything you have to make so many sacrifices that basically balances
out the good parts. Like Daniel Day-Lewis was also in a movie called "My Left Foot," for which
he pretended
to have cerebral palsy for six months of shooting
and actually broke two ribs from being hunched over for so long. He also lived off the land in the wilderness by himself for six months to get ready
for "Last of the Mohicans." You can literally get
this guy to do anything if you put him in a movie. I feel like a movie producer
could take advantage of him. Like, "Daniel, I have a movie idea. Will you befriend a
Hollywood movie producer that needs your kidney?" But also, I don't thin
k you
can say that all the stuff that Daniel Day-Lewis did
wasn't worth it either. I mean, he does stand alone as the most awarded film
actor that's ever lived. You know, like Michael Phelps
used to spend 364 days a year in the pool, and now
he's horribly depressed because he never learned
how to be a person. But how can you say it wasn't worth it? He has 23 gold medals. That's rarer than happiness. Thank you. Yeah. Bottom line is there's
just an equal trade off for anything you decide
to do wit
h your life. That's what I think. Nobody's better or worse off than anybody. It's all a big zero sum game. That's why I'm just trying
to live my life at neutral. That seems like the best way to do it. But doing a little reading about neuroscience recently, ladies. Thank you. Apparently the way pain and
pleasure work in the brain is if you have too much of
one without the other you become desensitized to it over time. Which is why people are
still super depressed even though their lives are amazi
ng. So like for example,
according to brain scans, the greatest experience
that any human being could ever have, the most
euphoric feeling on Earth, is black tar heroin because it
releases all of your oxytocin which is basically the chemical
that makes you feel loved. Conversely, the worst
experience that any person could ever have is getting
stung by a boxed jellyfish because the way the toxins of
the boxed jellyfish work is it hacks your nervous system
and turns every single nerve in your body
up to a hundred percent pain. And that goes on for about 20 hours until your organs shut down
from pain overload and you die. So what I of course need to know is what would happen to a
person that took a bunch of heroin after getting
stung by a boxed jellyfish? They'd be on their deathbed and the paramedics would
be like, "How do you feel?" And they'd be like,
"Just sort of at a five. I just kind of have that
2:00 PM feeling everywhere." I feel like if that happens to a person they would automa
tically
achieve enlightenment. They'd be like, "I'm not good or bad, I
just really, really am." And then they would die from being so overwhelmingly neutral. Their last breath would be one of these. All right guys, that's all
the time I have for you. Thank you all so much for being here. Love you guys. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys for coming.
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