Joe Zimmerman | Cult Classic (Full Comedy Special)

- Please welcome to the stage Joe Zimmerman. - Thank you. Thank you. Thank you Asheville. Best crowds in the world right here in Asheville, North Carolina. And I say that everywhere I go. I was just in Atlanta. I was like best crowds in the world. Asheville, North Carolina. That's right. They're like, "Why would you tell us that?" I was like, "It's just the truth, you know?" So it's good to finally be here where I'm not immediately booed for what I have to say. So nice to be here. I love Ashevil

le. It's the only place where I've seen a redneck and a hippie and it's the same person. You know what I mean? Like is that a tie-dye gun holster? I think the drum circle just played "Free bird." Wow. Feels good. Feels nice. I've been told I give off the energy of an emotional support animal, which is unfortunate because I am going full throttle. This is a thousand percent of my energy. Very excited. So I hope y'all will match my energy with significantly more energy than me. See a lot of famili

ar faces. Some friendly faces, couple haters, but a lot of friendly faces. I saw some people rolling in late. I'm a late person myself and the early people do not like us. The early people say, "You being late means you don't respect my time." Which is such an early person thing to say. Like me being late has anything to do with you. "I'm not late 'cause I don't respect your time. I'm late 'cause I was doing something more important. I was showering for a long time and I forgot you existed brief

ly. Just briefly. But I respect you." My dad will show up an hour early and text, "Here, no rush." Which should be illegal. That is a devastating text to receive. But I had a good pandemic I got into... Yeah. It wasn't for everyone. But... Yeah, I got into sports gambling over the pandemic and a lot of people say that's addictive, but to me it's just kind of a rush like no other. It's not addictive, I mean sure, sometimes I'll engage in short-term stimulus despite long-term adverse results. It's

not addictive. It's just something that engages my mind night and day and ruins my relationships. I finally called one of those 1-800-GAMBLER numbers. They were like, "I bet you won't quit." I was like, "You're on." I lost 40 bucks but... I really started messing around with early bedtime and that is addictive. Start cozy and up at 10 you're like, "Where's this been?" 10 is the gateway to 9:30. Next thing I know, I'm curling up at 8:45. Your friends are like, "Where you been Joe?" You're like,

"Busy." "Super busy, I got good relationships and stuff." 8:00 PM is the overdose of early bedtime. That's when you've gone too far. You wake up 3:00, refreshed. Walk the streets in the night with the other addicts and criminals trying to make new friends, looking in the coffee shop window two more hours. And then maybe I can help 'em open. Weed was legalized in New York City, and I finally started trying weed gummies. I think I'm the only person that's like, "Sure I'll do weed as long as it's n

o longer cool." Weed gummies, gateway into regular gummies. Yeah. Wow. They taste good. I forgot how good they taste. Now I'm eating weed gummies. Regular gummies. Vitamin gummies. I'm a gummy boy now and it's tough. It's a lot of gummy, doing a lot of gummies and it is more fun to say you're doing gummy vitamins. "Yeah, you wanna come over do some C? We could do E." "I got fish oil. Make your eyeball slippery. Could do some supplements. Gaba, tryptophan, melatonin. Get in bed at eight. Dude." L

ast time I took melatonin, I almost didn't wake up. That was nuts dude, love melatonin dude." If marijuana is a real medicine, isn't it time for other medicines to step up the fun? Why don't we have antibiotic chocolates? Penicillin Sour Patch Kids. Get some Lipitor brownies. I don't know. Vape the vaccine. Go in for the booster bong, Johnson and Joint. I'm just spitballing. Yeah. So yeah, no, A lot of addictions but otherwise pretty good. Pretty good. I got broken up with to my face, which I re

commend 'cause a lot of people are being ghosted, not me. Right to the dome. It's pretty sweet. People complain about being ghosted. "I got ghosted again. What a jerk." I feel like we forget the opposite is when somebody firmly tells you why they never wanna see you again. And now that I've experienced both, have to say ghosting might be underrated just a little. Sure it's sad when somebody disappears but you should try having your flaws expressed by a woman named Beth over a hot cup of coffee.

But she was very smart, PhD. She kept beating me at board games. I love game night. She beat me at Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit, Chess. On the fourth game night I was like, "I brought Hungry, Hungry Hippo." I have a little two handed flicking technique that is unstoppable and I brought Uno. I'll teach you the language and after that we can arm wrestle." She did defeat me at those as well. I've heard that men are intimidated to date successful women. What they don't mention is successful women are l

ess interested in dumb losers. What's up with that ladies? That's a double standard. Give us a chance. But the biggest argument we got in, I'm embarrassed, she called me out for mansplaining and I'm sure you guys know what that is, if you don't, I can't tell you. But it made me think long and hard about it and I realized I wasn't explaining anything. We were just having a disagreement and she didn't like what I was saying. And I do think that's the subtle difference now between a man speaking an

d a mansplaining is, if you hate what he said, that's mansplaining. If you like what he's saying, that's just a nice man talking. And just for the sake of thought, I had to wonder about the exact opposite of mansplaining. I think it would be a woman asking questions that are impossible to answer. And she did that a lot. I just don't think we have a catchy phrase for it. Like Ladyriddling. Or a Woman's . She asked me, "Who do you think is cuter me or my cat?" I was like, "I thought we were gonna

relax tonight. Now I gotta grind." And I'm looking at her, I'm looking at her cat. I can tell there's a lot of wrong answers. And I thought I solved it. I was like, "You're both so cute." And she said, "No, you have to pick." I'm like, "What is the answer?" Finally I said, "You're the cutest woman and your cat's the cutest cat." And she was like, "That's correct." I was like, "That was a close call." That was way closer than anyone realizes. I know there's wrong answers 'cause we were watching h

er favorite show, "Love Island Australia" one week earlier and she said, "Who do you think's hotter Courtney or Jess?" And I'm like, "I didn't even want to be here. I don't even like "Love Island" and now I gotta choose between the hottest 22 year old." And I said, "Courtney," and that was incorrect. For a month she was like, "Yeah, you think Courtney would? "Yeah. You think Courtney would like that?" God, I failed that test. She could never understand why I don't like "Love Island." I just can'

t get myself to care about the relationships of strangers. I have trouble caring about my friend's relationships. I asked my buddy Tom if he was ever open to having kids. He was like, "I have a nine and a seven year old." I'm like, "Okay." "So you're open to it. Thanks for the gossip." But I have learned something important from dating. I've learned the best three questions you can ask on a first date to get to know somebody they are, who's your teenage crush? What will you name your firstborn c

hild and bank password? And for me it's Matt Damon. Matt Damon and Matt Damon2. So that's just me. I'm flirting now. No, I do wish I was friends with Matt Damon. I very much wish that. It was so much easier to make friends when you're a kid. Right? I remember when I was six, Craig moved in next door. He was six. We're both just like, "Oh, age and proximity. That's all we need. Best friends for life." Some guy my age moves in next door to me now I'm like, "If this guy talks to me, I will be furio

us." It's so easy to hang out when you're a kid. You just invite him over to play. You don't even have to be specific. He always comes over. We always have a great time and we're always mad to be called for dinner. Do you remember liking life that much that you're annoyed about dinner? Always asking to be excused. "Please can I go back to my life? How much eating do we have to do in this house?" Kids hate meals and bedtime. That's all I have now, Right? I call those the big two. And if I ever do

hang out with another male friend now it's never playful anymore. It's always like, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. You wanna get together and eat? We could like talk and eat." Best case scenario, there's a big game on tv. We don't even have to speak. We can just watch other men playing. "They're playing well, I love that. Don't you love it when our favorite men play well?" They always play better when they play together. Huh? That play was unbelievable. Let's touch hands. That was so nice

. Maybe after this we could play. Yeah, no you're right. We ate a lot. Sleep would be incredible. You're always right. You're my best friend. I'll see you again in two years." Sometimes I don't think we give kids enough credit for how traumatic grade school is. Remember sixth grade phys ed run a seven minute mile in street clothes and then just straight to math? "Shouldn't have worn hiking boots today. Smells like a locker room in here." "You kids ready to learn about parabilis? My heart rate is

parabolic. Recess is right after lunch. 'cause that's how digestion works. Yeah." "Yeah, now that you've had spaghetti with milk, seems like a good time to go run around in a parking lot. They all puked again. Good thing we have our one janitor." I think if I had to live one day on a grade school schedule, it would be the worst day of my adult life. Starting the day at 6:00 AM standing on a street corner in the rain, waiting on a bus with no seat belts or schedule. Jostles you to homeroom, that

's your coffee, is the jostle. Homeroom, you're not allowed to speak. No phones, no music, no gum. "Do I have any human rights?" "No speaking now pledge your loyalty to your country. Go on, pledge how much you love America." "I'm seven." "And admit that there's a God. Admit that there's one God, go ahead." "My parents are agnostic." "Well I won't tell 'em. Go ahead. Admit that there's one God and you can say it quiet. Alright, you're free to go to first period US history as taught by the JV foot

ball coach. Enjoy his unique perspective. A lot of hot takes on the Constitution. A lot of gun stuff in the pop quiz. Old Coach Hines, Coach Hines, he would time you for getting water. Could stand in line and he would go, "One, two, three, time." And that's all the water you get as a child, is a fast three seconds. I think kids are going through school dehydrated. If he liked you, he'd go, "One, two, three, and time." That's if he liked you. Yeah, I wish I had spent more time learning. I wish I

had learned more in science class because now I really liked the science headlines. I saw that James Webb telescope came out and like Hubble Telescope is old news now. You know, Hubble Telescope is a piece of crap compared to James Webb. And as soon as they came out with the first images, there was a headline that said "Universe, bigger than previously thought." And I feel like we could've seen that coming. I'll be more impressed when there's a new telescope and they're like, "We overshot it. It

's pretty reasonably sized. We feel bad about our last estimates." I like the science studies 'cause I feel like half of scientists are trying to save the world with climate change, cure cancer, and the other half of scientists are like, "I wonder if orangutans can play pickleball." "No they can't." "How about Bonobos? No. They're kind of playing soccer though. Let's publish it." It always made me wonder about primatologists, monkey scientists, like smartest in your class, high school, smartest

in college, best in your PhD program. And then the rest of your career you're like, "Bongo, no biting." "Don't you dare pull the fire alarm Bubbles. No Bubbles. No Bubbles. I love you too. I love you too Bubbles." Apparently, they struggled to figure out why depression evolved in humans because it just didn't make sense to them and then they figured it out. A study shows that sad people are better at predicting future outcomes. So if you feel bad, you're correct. Mmh-hmm, you sure are. But don't

let that make you feel good because happy people delusional about the future. So if you're happy and that makes you feel bad, good, you just got a little smarter. I guarantee it was a depressed person that was the first person to figure out to play dead for a bear. All his optimistic friends are climbing trees. "We can make it." He's like, "I'm just gonna let him take me." "It's fine. It's fine guys. I'll take this one for the team. Go ahead bear." It just sniffs at him and goes and kills all h

is friends. And depression passes on to the next generation. Like, "How'd you think to play dead for a bear?" "I was just being myself." You know. Alarm clock at 8:00 PM. Time for bedtime. He's like, "Let's set it for eight so we know when to get the hell out of there, start winding down." That's your melatonin timer, isn't it? I had a big birthday last year. I am born in October. Scorpio. And people have bad impressions of Scorpios. They say things like, "Scorpios are full of revenge and jealou

sy." They've been saying that to me since I was seven. They're like, "You're wild in the sack." You're like, "Am I?" And then you just grow into it, you know? But I'm tired of horoscope prejudice, I am tired of it. And one thing you can do is you can write... I wrote down an evil historical figure for all of the other 11 star signs. So then when they give me guff, I can be like, "Oh, and you're a Capricorn? Those are good. Kim Jong Un is a Capricorn." So that's a good one. Good for you. Way bett

er than me." What's your horoscope, sir? - Gemini. Gemini? Right on. Let me see what we got here. Gemini, ever heard of Jeffrey Dahmer? Watch out for this guy. How about you sir? What's your star sign? - Aries. Aries. Kim Jong Un's dad. And Logan Paul. Ouch! That hurts. That one stings. Anybody feel like you have a perfect horoscope? I see a hand over here. - Leo. Leo? Known for seeking attention. Yes. First hand up, just like Hermione Charms. Mussolini and Roman Polanski. Watch out for her. I s

aw another hand right behind her. - Yeah, I'm a Leo too. - We're Leos. - Oh yeah, both are Leos. Not one other hand in the room. That's beautiful. Horoscopes. They're so real, right? They're kind of true if you like think about it. There's something to it. Yeah, it's 'cause people have been telling them they want attention since they were five years old. And they're like, "Oh, okay. I guess I do." We'll do one more. One more. Okay. How about you sir? - Aquarius. Aquarius. Rare, one in 12. Very r

are. Jeff Epstein, so... Watch out for that guy. Yeah, yeah, I don't feel old, but I did recently identify a bird and that doesn't seem good. "Is that a whip-poor-will?" "Why do I care and why do I have binoculars?" I got into birdwatching over the pandemic, went down to Central Park. At first I did it ironically. I was like, "I'm so alone." Two hours later I'm like, "Martha, look at that owl, gorgeous." She's like, "That's a robbin." And I'm like, "I'm new, new kid on the block. But that is gor

geous." And I actually met a professional bird watcher. He gives birding tours and I said, "That sounds like a fun job." And he goes, "Well you get a lot of egos." "In birdwatching?" And he explained that people will brag about how many birds they've identified in their career. And the best part is how they verify they've seen a bird is they just say that they did. "So I've seen every bird, prove I haven't. All 10,000." "Oh yeah. Where'd you see the cinnamon-breasted tody-tyrant?" "Asheville." "

They only live in Tasmania." "Yeah. I was surprised." "I was like, 'Weird, here?'" Check. But if you ever meet an arrogant birder, you could actually have more fun if you went too low with your number. If they're bragging, just be like, "I've only seen two." "Well you've seen more than two birds." "I wish." "Yeah. It's just been pigeons and crows for me. Super bad at it." "How long have you been birdwatching?" "Four years. I don't know if I'm looking in the wrong places or what. I've seen chicke

n nuggets, but that doesn't count." I like what is doing. They're trying to remove animal violence from figures of speech. They want us to stop saying, "Kill two birds with one stone" and they want us to replace it with "Feed two birds with one scone." And that's so sweet. And I could almost see it meaning sort of the same thing. And I want all of us to implement it immediately. The next chance you have, no explanation. "Hey, while you're grabbing gas, could you grab some milk as well? Feed two

birds with one scone." "What?" "Just grab some milk with the gas, would you? "Two birds, one scone." But birds, a lot of them are gluten intolerant. So if you feed two birds, one scone, you could kill two birds with one scone. Yeah, the violence remains. And I spend a lot of time in coffee shops. I know I didn't need to say that out loud to you, but I do. And scones will get rock hard about two hours after they were fresh. So you could even kill two birds with one scone stone style as well. Ther

e's more than one way to skin a cat. I mean pet a cat. More than one way to pet a cat, this way and that. Tail and back, whiskers. You can kill a bunch of birds if you have one cat. Mhh-hmm, you sure can. You sure can. I was just in Arizona, and somebody told me to go see the petroglyphs. I didn't know what those are. We get out there, they're these ancient rock drawings and there's a plaque that says, "Unfortunately there's no way to translate what these mean today. However, this little squiggl

e might be a snake." And you're like, "Yeah, I could see that." And then they go, "And this little circle might be a portal into another world." "Wow, you really took some liberties on that one. No way to translate, but you're gonna guess portal off of that? Okay. You're not gonna guess that they were drawing a circle or the sun. Portal? All right." And this lady, I didn't see her standing right behind me and she goes, "Don't you wish we could take a time machine and ask 'em what they really mea

nt?" And I think that's why I don't love talking to strangers because you have to be polite. You can't be honest and be like, "Actually that would be a dumb reason to time travel. Spend trillions of dollars on fuel. 'Hey, we're here from the future. Me and this lady. We we were so curious about this rock doodle that you did on this rock. Is that a snake? We're from the future" "I was trying to draw a worm." "It's a worm. Good thing we time traveled Martha. "Well, we're gonna head back to our tim

e machine right through this circle." He's like, "Whoa, cool portal." "Wow. Wrong about the snake. Right about the portal. Didn't see that coming plaque. Didn't see it coming." Anytime time travel comes up, it's always a short walk to the baby Hitler paradox. Some of you familiar? It's the ethical debate. The ethical debate. Would it be better to, if you time traveled back to the moment Hitler was a baby, would it be better to kill baby Hitler or let him live? Classic ethical paradox. What would

you do sir? It's Hitler. You can save a lot of people. - Kill the baby. - Kill the baby. - You're gonna kill the baby? Kill the baby. - Yeah. Okay, that's fine. That's a fine answer. Now you saved a lot of people, but it is a baby and we do need to know how you would do it. You're a time traveling assassin. You gotta kill this baby. How do you do it? - A time machine, I'd get a seat further back. - Oh yeah. I don't understand why you wouldn't wanna field this question, sir. He's requested to mo

ve back further into the crowd where we will still follow up on the question. No, it's cool. It's just a special, it's just a special. And it's just my first ever one hour special. And so... Pretty much the fate of it rests on you now. If you have a good answer, it's going to a big platform. If you don't answer, it's going to Quibi. What would you do? - Sorry, what's the question again? - How would you kill a baby? Gosh. It's not that complicated. If I was the time traveling assassin, I don't th

ink I would be able to kill a baby. And that's fine if you would kill a baby. I just don't think I would be able to. That's just me. But I do think I would panic and bring it back to the time machine show up in the present. They're like, "Why do you have a baby?" I'm like, "It's Hitler." "Who's Hitler?" I'm like, "It worked." And now I just have baby Hitler. Is this why I never had kids? Was I meant to raise Hitler in the 21st century? I would try so hard to teach him to love, find out if it's n

ature or nurture once and for all. He grows up, goes off to art school. I'm like, "I'm so proud of you baby Hitler. I still call him that." He calls me, he's like, "I fell in love." I'm like, "That away baby. Love wins." I guess it is nurture over nature. Couple years later he's like, "She dumped me for a rabbi, I hate Jews." I'm like, "Easy. Hello?" "Kanye was right." "No boy, that is not what we teach in the Zimmerman household." I'm actually not Jewish. A lot of people ask me if I'm Jewish 'c

ause of my last name, I'm not. And then that is something I would mention to Hitler, just as a precaution. Yeah, I didn't grow up with any real religion. Like my grandparents were super Christian, and my grandma, one of the first Christmases I can remember, she gave me one of the illustrated bibles. All the greatest hits. You know the ones. Adam and Eve, the origin story of food shaming. I know, when I eat apples, I'll smother 'em in peanut butter and honey. And afterwards sometimes I'm like, "I

need to put clothes on, that was bad. That was naughty. I don't deserve happiness." But my favorite as a kid was always David and Goliath, 'cause you know, a little boy beats a giant. That's awesome. And looking back, that teaches a great lesson to kids, which is if your opponent is stronger than you, shoot them in the head from a safe distance when they were not expecting it. Was that a fair fight, David or a murder? I'm not sure. Not sure. You can be the underdog if you're doing drive-bys. "W

hat'd you learn on that one Joey? I learned that range weapons always defeat ." "Good." Speaking of royalty, I don't have an issue with Prince Harry, but I'm starting to have an issue with how much I keep hearing about Prince Harry. So I'm starting to have an issue with Prince Harry. And he said he was leaving the royal family for privacy, his words. But ever since he's moved all, all he's done is do a Netflix reality TV series, a tell all book, and now a Spotify podcast. Not the most private ac

tivities Harry. To the tune of a hundred million dollars. And his book should have talked about how awesome it is to be the prince, how awesome it is to have everything, get any private jets, any backstage passes you want. But the mistake he made was he was kind of whiny in the book. He was like, "My brother was mean to me. He pushed me and he hung out with his friends." Sounds like you have a normal older brother. And people feel bad for him. They're like, "He was born into a job. He was born i

nto an institution." Every human is born into a job. He's the only one born into a job where you don't have to do a job. And when he moved to Hollywood, was it hard? No. I have a friend that moved to LA and lived in a Walmart parking lot in his car and after a year he moved back to Sevierville, Tennessee with his parents. People should feel bad for Douglas. But do they? No they do not. They make fun of Douglas. They're like, "I can't believe you thought you'd make it." He's like, "I know I suck.

" Prince Harry moved to LA, Oprah hooked him up with Tyler Perry's mansion, which is a Tyler Perry movie I would like to see. With Prince Harry played by Tyler Perry. Meghan played by Tyler Perry. Oprah, Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry played by Idris Elba, and Princess Kate played by Meghan Markle. She's a solid actress. And Prince William played by Matt Damon. Call it "Trading Places 3: Madea Takes Sussex." I saw that R Kelly was arrested after an FBI agent watched his lifetime docuseries and it made

me wonder, is the FBI finding out about crime the same way I am. Just friend referrals on what's bingeable? Should we arrest Robert Durst? Let's look at the Tomatometer first. Yeah. He's doing well. I have a friend that watches murder documentaries 'cause she said, "It'll help her avoid murderers." But I feel like murderers are also watching murder docs or as they call them to tutorials. And because we're in North Carolina, I wanna ask you about the most interesting murder doc I'm aware of "The

Staircase," are you familiar? - Yes. - Woo. Happened in the Durham area. There's a documentary and how many of you have heard of the "Owl Theory?" - Love it. Yes. A bunch of you. Right on. Yeah. It kind of combines birds and murder docs. So it's like really right up my alley. But basically if you watch "The Staircase" documentary, this husband, it goes to jail, even though there's really no motive, no murder weapon, no evidence, there's no evidence. The whole trial, the prosecuting lawyer is ju

st like, "I mean he is the husband." And the jury's like, "Yeah, he does seem like he's the husband." And the judge is like, "Husband send him away." And the neighbor first put out the owl theory, which is that there's an owl. That sounds crazy, right? That an owl did it until you hear the evidence. There was an owl that hung out in their neighborhood all the time. Owl killings though rare have happened. In her hair, they found owl feathers and on her hands traces of owl feathers. The murder scr

atches match talons. And it happened at night. That's owl time. But this local detective was like, "Owl feathers, tallon marks, husband." She could be attacked by a shark and people would be like, "How do you think he pulled that off? You think he dressed as a shark or, I never liked that guy." But as an avid bird watcher, it made me wonder if you're killed doing something you love, would that take the sting off just a little bit? Seeing birds you've never seen before? "Wow, a bard owl. And it's

looking right at me." "Lemme let me see those binoculars. That's not a bard owl. That's a great horned owl." "No it's not. Frank, don't mansplain owls to me. You can hear from its distinctive bard owl call, "Who cooks for you?" Listen, "Who cooks for y'all?" Hear that? No it's not. It's doing the distinctive great horn call. It's saying "Who's awake? Me too." Frank, do you know one thing about birds? If you had the owl strikes, he strikes, they both did it. They were in cahoots. I said it. They

were in cahoots. Send them to Alcaraz. I had to say it. I had to say it. Do you notice that groan? Thank you. Please note that groan as evidence. Because after every show, some guy will be like, "Dude, you should've said it was a who done it." But if I say it's a who done it, y'all hate me and groan. And then if I don't say it's a who done it, four dads are like, "Man, missed opportunity." "Oh boy, if you thought of that man, you would've blown the roof off the place." Who done it, man? Go back

to the writing board, man. Let's see. Did anybody else almost join a cult the last couple years? Almost join a cult. I was watching the HBO documentary about the NXIVM cult. And I don't think HBO meant it as a recruiting tool, but they look like they're having a lot of fun up there upstate New York. Their little bubble community playing volleyball. I'm like, "How do I join y'all's cult?" "Sir? It's a self-help community." Well, I am brainwashed already. Sign me up. The most susceptible people t

o cults are overly trusting and seeking community. That's my Myers-Briggs. It's bad. But ultimately, I don't think I'd join a cult 'cause I don't like doing chores, which is why I was thinking maybe I start a cult. Just get the gravy. And actually that's why you're here tonight. I'm doing some recruiting and follow me. I'll teach you the meaning of life, which is to do chores for me. But you know, cult leaders have a horrible reputation. But we only ever hear about the charismatic ones that got

famous, the ones that made it. You never hear about the other 10,000 guys that were like, "Follow me." And people were like, "No, you're annoying Derek." They were like, "Oh, I guess I'll just keep selling potato chips." I didn't mean to roast potato chip salesman on that one. I know I'm susceptible to cults because of the one time I went to Bikram hot yoga. After 10 minutes I already finished my little coconut water and I'm dizzy. I didn't realize how hot it got. I'm like, "I'll just step outsi

de." And as I get to the door, the instructor goes, "Hey, where are you going?" And I'm so shocked to be called out in yoga that I was honest. I said, "I'm going outside 'cause I'm hot." He goes, "I need you to stay here where I can see you so that I know you're okay." "Okay, but I'm not okay." That's why I was leaving. But I can't say no to people. I struggle to say no. So I just returned to my mat and I was like, "I guess I'll just grind this out for 80 more minutes." I made it 10 more minutes

and then I was definitely dehydrated. And I'm looking at the door, I'm like, "I'm just gonna make a run for it." I start gathering my things in fake downward dog. He comes over, he goes, "Everything okay?" I am like, "Please let me leave." I'm an adult man. I'm paying you $12 to be here. I'll pay you 40 to let me go. And he said, "If you're too hot, you can just lay it down on your mat. You'll be fine. It'd be better for the rest of the class if you didn't leave." And I'm looking at the rest of

the class. They're avoiding eye contact. So I just lay down for 70 more minutes. Just so hot and so angry. I hope I die. So this guy gets fired. I hope I die loudly. So it's worse for the class. Just furiously obedient. The class ended. I was fine unfortunately. But I went home and looked up Bikram, they're trained not to let anybody leave because once one person leaves, everyone will leave. And I recently learned he went bankrupt. So I win. I win the line. I hung in there for the win. Yeah. So

I have been told many times that I have a soothing voice. And so I thought it'd be nice to do some soothing affirmations to really, really finish on what I was made to do. And so I'll just say a positive affirmation and you guys repeat it back and we'll all feel amazing. Sound good? - Woo. - Great. I am blessed with this life. #blessed. - [Crowd] I am blessed with this life. #blessed. - That felt so good, didn't it? It did. I have released all irrational fears and replaced them with real fears.

- [Crowd] I have released all irrational fears and replaced them with real fears. - Okay, good. Little mumbling, but good. I forgive everyone who has ever left me. Except for Beth. Go ahead. - [Crowd] I forgive everyone who has ever left me. Except for Beth. - Yes. Yes, thank you sir. He said it like he meant it. Yeah. Some passion. I look really good thanks to this new coat from Banana Republic. - [Crowd] I look really good thanks to this new coat from Banana Republic. - Thank you. I just got

an extra 10 grand for that. Appreciate it. I am actually a better overall person than Tony Robbins. - [Crowd] I am actually a better overall person than Tony Robbins. - I am not currently being indoctrinated into a cult. - [Crowd] I am not currently being indoctrinated into a cult. - Nice. Thank you. And lastly, I understand the intricacies of the Israel-Palestine conflict. And ultimately I stand with Tibet. - [Crowd] And ultimately I stand with Tibet. - Asheville, thank you so much. - I'm Joe Z

immerman. I appreciate it. Hope you enjoyed the show. Thank you so much for coming out. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have given myself roses. Thank you so much. Thank you. Wow, you're standing. I'm delighted. Wow. This feels good. This feels nice. Thank you. Thank you, thank you for giving me roses. All right. I'm gonna leave. You're the best. This is crazy. I mean, I shouldn't have. Thanks again Asheville. I'm really going this time. I appreciate it. Hope you enjoyed it. Namaste. ♪ I bought th

is camera ♪ ♪ Take pictures of my love ♪ ♪ Now that he's gone ♪ ♪ Don't have anybody to take pictures of ♪ ♪ A lonesome highway ♪ ♪ Is a pretty good subject ♪ ♪ I'm gonna make myself make use of this thing ♪ ♪ I'm taking landscapes ♪ ♪ I'm taking still lifes ♪ ♪ I'm taking bad self portrait ♪ ♪ Of a lonely woman ♪