I have been informed though, that we are getting a
pet so that our daughter can learn how to take care of something. And I was like, "Well, I'm almost 50, she can take care of me." I am old. I'm older, I'm 13
years older than my wife, which comes up, I didn't think it would. We were at a restaurant
one night and she was like, "Do you know what song this is?" And I was like, "I
can't even hear a song." Before the pandemic, I had
a sciatic nerve episode. Yeah, I know, sounds athletic. Had to buy a
heating pad, which is official old people territory. But it is also for 12 year old girls. I did not grow up with
sisters. I did not know this. Now my Amazon suggestions
are very confusing. They don't know what to do with me. They're like, "Maybe you
would like a mobility scooter. No? Perhaps a spiral owl notebook. You could use that for your
period journal, Jonathan." I don't go out late anymore,
I don't think I'm supposed to. Right? If you're in your 20s and your 30s and you stay out late,
pe
ople are impressed. If you're in your 40s or your
50s and you stay out late, people are suspicious. If I'm out late, I feel like
people just looking at me like, "What's that guy still doing here? Must have lost his job today." And if you're in your 60s or
70s and you're here right now, I hope you let somebody know. It is getting late. But it's fun when you're younger, who is in their 20s and
their 30s here? Anybody? Yeah, it's fun. I guess I miss it. Yeah,
it's fun when you go out, you don't kno
w what's gonna happen. You're like, "Who am I gonna meet? Where am I gonna end up?" Now, I need to know
exactly where I'm going. I need to know what
time I'm gonna be home. I don't wanna meet anybody. I'm actually working on a system to unmeet some of the people that I do know. It's gonna be an app. It's called, "See Ya." I don't go to strip clubs anymore 'cause I don't like when other
people take off my glasses. Gotta be honest, I did not
think you were gonna be the demographic for that,
but yo
u clapped. You clapped. I know you have glasses,
but that did surprise me. It's just weird, life tames
out on you. It happens. I always said I was settled down, I just didn't have the family yet. I've been wearing a fanny
pack unironically for years. But I did notice one
thing that happened to me, was that when I first started
doing comedy in the city, you'd do shows on the weekend
in Jersey or Long Island, and my thoughts were like, "Oh, I hope I get done in time and I can make it back to the c
ity
and meet my friends out." And now I'm just like, "I
hope I get done in time and Trader Joe's is still open. I got some stuff from Whole
Foods to return there." And look, I know I'm not old-old, but I feel like I'm too
old to be the baby dad, like a dad of a baby.
You know what I mean? We haven't heard her first word yet, I'm just so nervous she's
gonna look up at me one day and be like, "Grandpa? Do I have a papa?" I don't know. I don't know what her
first word is gonna be, but her first ful
l phrase
is probably gonna be, "Alexa, next song." We're getting so specific with Alexa too, at first we were just
like, "Alexa, mellow music. Alexa, '80s music." Now we're like, "Alexa,
play barbecue music, but if half the people there were vegans. Maroon 5, you nailed it, Alexa. Alexa play love songs, but for a couple that
had a baby too soon." ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ Oh, so she really did turn one last week when we had a little party
and
I wrote her a poem. Yeah. This is a poem to Tallulah. "Let me sleep. Please let me sleep. We let you sleep. There's so much going on behind
the scenes for your sleep. It's a sound machine, blackout shades, I'm not allowed to go to the bathroom. I used to nap every day, sometimes twice. I miss it very much. Sorry I ate all of your yogurt snacks." So I just wanna be half as good
a parent as my parents were. I love my parents, their the best and we're going to Cape Cod
with them in a little bit. S
o, I still call my
parents, right? I told you. I use the phone for them and
customer service, I guess. Those are the only
people I call these days. But when my parents can't answer, they try to be hip and use
the auto-reply function, but they don't know what they're doing, so it just makes it more confusing. My dad will be like, "I can't
talk, I'm in a meeting." And I'm like, "You're retired." But you can go into the phones
and customize the answers. So that's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna go int
o my parents' phones, give them the options they need. All right, this is for my mom's phone. "Can't talk, your father got us lost and we're trying to use the map thing. Playing Mahjong, call you
in 10 minutes on purpose and then 14 more times by accident." You guys know Legal Seafood? Yeah, it's my parents'
favorite restaurant, that's all you need to know. "At Legal Seafood, someone that walked in after
us got seated before us, I'm staring down the hostess, your father's looking for a manager."
You have not lived until
you've seen my mother make a 16 year old at a
podium on summer break, cry. "In Costco, lost your father.
Do you need anything?" All right, this is for my dad's phone now. "Can't talk, looking for a bathroom. Can't talk I'm in the bathroom. This is your mother, your
father forgot his phone, he's in the bathroom." It runs in the family, this stomach issue. Hey, it runs in the family, everybody. That's another little joke
in the stand-up comedy. It is true. And that's one
of the reasons
why I am so happy to be at Gotham Comedy Club right now because they have a
bathroom for the comedians. A lot of comedy clubs do not. And I have a lot of anxiety and pre-show, I have to go sit-down style. And I know I have to be in
the bathroom with you people. And I know one of you guys
gets back to the table and just like, "That
guy just took a shit." And someone at your table will be like, "Well, how do you know?" And he'd be like, "Well,
I recognize his sneakers." So, I travel
this country, I travel this country
with decoys sneakers. Another comedy pet peeve I have, is when people wanna tell a
comedian a joke after the show. Yeah, I know some of you
have one locked and loaded. We don't wanna hear it. That's why we leave. It's just always racist, for some reason. It's just always so racist. You know what it's like? It's like going to a nice restaurant and then afterwards being
like, "Where's the chef? I made him a grilled
cheese sandwich at home. It's a grilled cheese
sandwich that somehow tastes like the N word."
Comments
He is a riot 😂